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Wahlig, Jeni L. What Does it Mean to be a Butch/Femme Couple? An Exploration of

Identity Formation, Experience, and Couple Dynamics

Abstract

This study uses a qualitative methodology situated in grounded theory to explore what it means to identify as a Butch, a Femme, and as a Butch/Femme couple. In depth interviews were conducted with four Butch/Femme lesbian couples so that participants could describe their identities and experiences using their own words and voice. Findings indicated common experiences in being Butch, being Femme, the process of identification, the qualities that “make a Butch a Butch and a Femme a Femme,” and Butch/Femme relationship dynamics.

Complexities and diversity within these experiences are also discussed, as are suggestions for therapists who work within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer/Questioning community. Directions for future research are suggested.

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Acknowledgements

I can‟t imagine how this process and product could have been created without the help and support of several key players in my life.

First and foremost, I would like to thank my partner, Stephanie, who took care of just about everything else in my life so that all I had to worry about was this and work. Thank you

Steph for all of your support, for taking an interest in what I was doing, for encouraging me when I thought I would never be able to get it done, and for your unending generosity of love.

Thanks also to my advisor, Terri. Your knowledge and guidance got me started strong and in all the right directions. Your praise and encouragement along the way gave me confidence and strength to keep moving forward, even when life threatened to get in the way.

Finally, I would like to thank the women who participated in this research study. It takes courage to tell your story to a stranger, and it was an honor to be able to step into your lives for a short while. I want you to know that your stories have changed me and my relationship and have added an even deeper love and appreciation for the diversity of people and experiences in the

LGBTQ community.

Thank you.

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Table of Contents

…………………………………………………………………………………………………Page

Abstract……………………………………………………………………………………………2

Chapter I: Introduction……………………………………………………………………………6

Definitions…………………………………………………………………………….…10

A Brief History…………………………………………………………………………..12

Chapter II: Literature Review……………………………………………………………………15

Chapter III: Methodology……………………………………………………………………..…17

Qualitative Research…………………………………………………………………..…17

Grounded Theory………………………………………………………………………...19

Participant Selection…………………………………………………………………..…21

Data Collection Procedures………………………………………………………………22

Data Analysis…………………………………………………………………………….23

Validity…………………………………………………………………………………..25

Strengths…………………………………………………………………………………33

Limitations……………………………………………………………………………….34

Ethical Considerations………………………………………………………………...…36

Chapter IV: Case Studies………………………………………………………………………...38

Jack and Mara……………………………………………………………………………38

Johna and Mia……………………………………………………………………………40

McKenzie and Lindsay…………………………………………………………………..43

Jordan and Vanessa………………………………………………………………………45

Chapter V: Findings……………………………………………………………………………...49 5

Identifying as Butch and Femme……………………………………………………...…49

What Makes a Butch a Butch and a Femme a Femme? ...... 51

The Butch Experience……………………………………………………………………54

The Femme Experience………………………………………………………………….58

Butch/Femme Relationship Dynamics………………………….…………………….…62

Chapter VI: Summary and Discussion………………………………………………………...... 70

Advice to Therapists……………………………………………………………………..80

Revisiting Assumptions…………………………………………………………….……86

Suggestions for Future Research……………….………………………………………..87

References……………………………………………………………..…………………………91

Appendix A: Consent Form……………………………………………………………………...94

Appendix B: Interview Questions………………………………………………………………..96

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Chapter I: Introduction

Awareness of difference, often referred to as “diversity” or “cultural competence” within the field of Marriage and Family Therapy, has been a key point of learning during my work as graduate student. Yet compared to what we know about people who fit “the norm” (white, educated, heterosexual, middle class), our field has relatively little to teach about diversity. There just simply has not been as much research focused on populations of difference.

As a member of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer community

(LGBTQ) myself, I am keenly aware of the lack of information about same-sex couple relationships. Because the field of Marriage and Family Therapy (MFT) centers so much on relationships and families, it seems it would be intuitive to study LGBTQ individuals, their families, and their couple relationships. I was frustrated to find that my field simply does not know all that much about LGBTQ experiences or relationships. Nor does the field have much to say about how same-sex relationships may be similar to or different from heterosexual relationships. As a therapist, there is no good textbook focused on working with these couples, and there was not even a lecture focused specifically on same-sex couples during my Couples and Sex Therapy class. To me, this represents a significant gap of knowledge and cultural competency within the field of Marriage and Family Therapy.

I knew fairly quickly upon deciding to do a thesis that I wanted to contribute to the production of knowledge and awareness about LGBTQ people, experiences, and relationships.

The hard part was deciding which research question to ask. I owe the planting of this seed to an ex-partner of mine who identified as a Butch. She and I encountered some road blocks in our relationship because I did not identify as a Femme, and she really only dated women who did. In truth, I was not even aware that there were women who identified as a Butch or a Femme; to me, 7 the words “Butch” and “Femme” were simply adjectives, not identities. Yet to my partner at the time, there was a very important difference. How did she come to learn of this difference and align herself with it? What did the difference mean to her? And how did this difference affect who she was in relationships? I never got to learn all of the answers about her story, and my curiosity continued long after the relationship ended.

Throughout my academic work as a master‟s student of MFT I geared many of my research paper assignments toward LGBTQ experiences and relationships. As I read the current literature on same-sex relationships, I became aware of the fact that most of the studies simply lumped LGBTQ data into one category to be compared with heterosexual data. Few studies drew distinctions between groups under the “homosexual” umbrella or compared data between groups

(i.e. comparing results of lesbians to those of gay men). And I found only one researcher who acknowledged that some women who were attracted to women did not identify as “lesbian.” This researcher gave women the opportunity to identify as either “lesbian” or “gay woman.” Such was the extent of acknowledgment of diversity within the LGBTQ community.

Worthington and Reynolds (2009) speak to this missing piece within research and call for a closer look at within-group differences in the LGBTQ community. They explain that most research compares heterosexuality and homosexuality as dichotomous opposites, and even research that looks into sexual orientation forces participants to limit themselves to particular categories of belonging such as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. However, “the broader trend in the literature on the nature of sexual orientations and identities suggests that there may be more sexual orientation subgroups than is commonly assumed” (Worthington and Reynolds, 2009, p.

45). Thus, by designing research studies that presume limited categories, researchers neglect to 8 explore the multifaceted and multidimensional aspects of sexual orientation and identity, which results in within-group differences being ignored.

In their own attempt to study within-group difference, Worthington and Reynolds (2009) surveyed 2,372 self-identified Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Heterosexual individuals using the

Sexual Orientation Identity Scale, the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual Knowledge and Attitudes Scale for

Heterosexuals, and the Measure of Sexual Identity Exploration and Commitment. Through a cluster analysis of their results, Worthington and Reynolds identified 12 clusters of sexual orientation! Given that most research would likely categorize participants into only four categories, Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Heterosexual, this tripled number of categories for sexual orientation experience truly speaks to the importance of recognizing within-group differences in our research on LGBTQ populations.

Diamond (2005) echoes Worthington and Reynolds‟ sentiment almost exactly by arguing that it is important for researchers to explore alternative and new criteria for sexual categorization. Diamond, however, takes a different approach in researching these categories by exploring diversity in categorization over time. In the past, most theories assume that sexual identities are stable throughout life, but that may not actually be the case. "Ironically, just as society has become more accepting of a sexual taxonomy that includes gays, lesbians, and bisexuals, scientists studying sexual orientation have increasingly come to question the usefulness of these categories in light of the increasing evidence for non-exclusivity and plasticity in sexuality, especially among women" (Diamond, 2005, p. 119). Similarly,

Worthington and Reynolds write, “Self-identification has become increasingly complicated as outdated terms are discarded and new terms are added to the lexicon of an expanding list of possible identities (e.g., heteroflexibility, metrosexual, bicurious, polyamorous, queer)” (p. 44). 9

If time and culture are creating new labels, and sexuality is flexible and changing to begin with, then it makes sense to study the evolution of sexual orientation and identities throughout life.

Diamond (2005) conducted an eight year longitudinal study that examined characteristics of sexual minority women who change their categorization of identity (for example from lesbian to bisexual) and those who don't. She was looking for both within and between group differences for women who identify as lesbian, those who identify as bisexual, and women who identify as heterosexual. Perhaps one of her most important findings was that similarities and differences between women whose identities were more stable and those whose were more fluid in these categories were not consistent between all of the measured phenomena. There was nothing consistently unique that separated those whose identities were fluid and those whose sexual identities were not. She uncovered more diversity.

In a research article published in 1997 by Baily, Kim, Hills, and Linsenmeier, the

“stereotypical lesbian” was described as rather masculine in mannerisms, interests, occupation, and looks. Although the authors noted that, based on research, this was true “only on average,” it seems to reflect the lack of awareness about diversity, in particular, within the lesbian community. From this perspective, for example, the Femme identity exists essentially only as an outlier. Based on previous reflections about the evolving and multiplying categorizations for sexual orientation identity, it does not seem useful to try to narrow down an “average” expression of what it means to be a lesbian. Research on the diversity within the community is greatly needed.

Reflecting on the relative lack of research that explores diversity within the LGBTQ community, it makes sense that if I, who had been a part of the LGBTQ community for over six years, had only just recently become aware that there were subcategories of diversity within the 10

“Lesbian” umbrella, the field of MFT probably would not have much research about them. Still,

I wanted to help change that; I wanted to answer the “call” made by previous researchers, and I wanted to learn more about this “difference” in my community. What better way than to do an explorative research study that explores what it means to be a Butch/Femme identified couple and how such couples arrive at these identities.

The purpose of this study, then, was to explore how women who identified as a Butch and women who identified as a Femme arrived at those identities, what those identities mean to these couples, how they came to be partnered with one another, and what their relationship together was like. I wanted to know their stories so others may know their stories. My hope was that I might surface important patterns and experiences unique to this group, and that the information gathered by this research would be useful to clinicians who work with members of the Lesbian community, particularly when working with Butch/Femme individuals or couples.

On a large scale, I simply wanted to increase the knowledge, awareness, and curiosity within the field of Marriage and Family Therapy not only about Butch/Femme couples, but also about the many variations of identity, expression, attraction, and relationships within the Lesbian, Gay,

Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer community. It is an attempt to expand and add to cultural competence.

Definitions

In order to better understand the experiences of Butches and Femmes, or any member of the LGBTQ community for that matter, it is helpful to be able to understand the subtle differences between a number of terms. Butch and Femme are left intentionally undefined so as to present what these two labels mean based on the experiences of those who identify as such.

The following definitions are offered by Burrows (2011, p. 24) unless otherwise stated: 11

Sex: The American Psychological Association (2006) defines sex as a reference “to biological status as male or female. It includes physical attributes such as sex chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, internal reproductive structures, and external genitalia”.

Gender: Heistand and Levitt (2005) define gender as a “social construct resulting from the assignation of traits and qualities” (p. 39). The American Psychological Association (2006) defines it as “a term that is often used to refer to ways that people act, interact, or feel about themselves, which are associated with boys/men and girls/women” (n.p.). Thus, gender is a term that describes the way “others” refer to one‟s gender, which is contrasted to gender identity as described below.

Gender identity: “The gender one feels one‟s self to be, e.g. man, woman, queer.” In contrast to gender, this is a reflection of how one identifies one‟s own gender. It may or may not be the same as one‟s sex or the gender assigned to them by others.

Gender expression: “How someone shows gender identity, e.g. clothes and behavior.

May not reflect actual gender identity for safety, convenience, or lack of opportunity.”

Androgyne, poly gender, or third gender: “Gender identities which are not exclusively male or female. May be a combination, in between, or something else entirely.”

Queer: “Historically a generic term for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) people. Renewed popularity as a loosely defined label for one‟s non-traditional gender or sexual identity. Often offensive when used by non LGBT people.”

Transgendered person: “General term for people whose gender identity is different from what is expected according to assigned sex. Sexual reassignment is sometimes necessary.”

Sexual Orientation: “Who one is attracted to in relation to one‟s own and their sex and gender.” Worthington and Reynolds (2009) describe sexual orientation as “ one‟s actual 12 sexuality related predispositions (e.g., arousal, attraction, fantasy)” (p. 44), which they contrast to sexual orientation identity.

Sexual orientation identity: “One‟s conscious recognition, identification, and self- labeling (e.g., gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer, heterosexual) with respect to one‟s sexual predispositions” (Worthington and Reynolds, 2009, p. 44).

A Brief History

Butch/Femme communities emerged in the 1940‟s and 1950‟s, after WWII when it began to be more acceptable for women to wear pants or otherwise appear more masculine (Levitt and

Heistand, 2004). Even so, the Butch and Femme dynamics were highly gendered expressions of lesbian identities (Heistand and Levitt, 2005).

Although these lesbian gender constructs were distinct from heterosexual genders, they

entailed all the complexity of heterosexual genders at that time, including the pressure to

maintain a dichotomous gender system. Butch women were expected to appear and

behave in a manner resembling masculine images of the period, while Femme women

expressed an aesthetic that exaggerated the feminine imagery popular at that time. (p.39)

Culturally speaking, it makes sense to imagine that at a time when men and women were expected to stay within their normative gendered boundaries, women who identified themselves as lesbians would find safety as either presenting as highly feminine women or “passing” as men.

“The ability to “pass” as men offered Butch women opportunities for employment, a safety from harassment, as well as an identity within the lesbian community” (Levitt and Heistand, 2004). It is interesting to note that the Butch/Femme communities emerged primarily in the working class, as middle and upper class women would risk too much to be exposed. Indeed, police raids of the bars that local Butches and Femmes frequented were common during this time. 13

The rise of feminism in the 1960‟s, however, challenged the standard dichotomous and patriarchical existence of couple-hood and encouraged women in general to move against the gendered expectations that were forced upon them. This wave of feminist ideals affected the lesbian community as well and criticized Butch/Femme couples for resembling the patriarchical relationships of heterosexuals (Heistand and Levitt, 2005). Butches and Femmes were pressured to reflect a better, more preferred androgynous expression of gender whereby gender cues were minimized (Levitt and Heistand, 2004). In order to avoid rejection from the feminist-lesbian community, Butches and Femmes at the time either withdrew from the community, or adopted the androgynous aesthetic.

In the 1980‟s, women from some communities began to reclaim Butch and Femme identities (Heistand and Levitt, 2005). “This revived Butch-Femme sexuality was not a predominantly political enterprise, but was motivated by desire, with romantic and sexual relations constructed around the sexual tensions created by gender difference” (p. 40). This era saw a movement in lesbian culture in general from being rather political, as in the feminist movement, to being grounded in sexual desire (Levitt and Heistand, 2004). For Butches and

Femmes, differences in the expression of gender were attractive, appealing, even sexy; perhaps especially after the influence of the feminist perspective, one could perceive courage and rebelliousness in the representation of one‟s self as highly masculine or feminine.

As mentioned previously, sexual orientation identity, gender identity, and gender expression seem to be growing in complexity and diversity. In the past 15 years or so, there has been an “explosion” of enthusiasm about exploring and challenging gender (Levitt and Heistand,

2004). This new climate has given more room for Butch and Femme identities to evolve, exist, and be affirmed within the lesbian community, even though it is likely that the historical 14 influences that have impacted this community still show up in women make meaning of their identity experiences today.

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Chapter II: Literature Review

Given that homosexuality was considered a form of psychopathology listed in the

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual until 1973 (Burns, 1990), it makes sense to assume that there would be limited research about the lives and experiences of LGBTQ people, to say little of the specific group of lesbians who identify as Butches and Femmes. Indeed, as I began my search for relevant research, I found what I had predicted I would find; there were limited scholarly research studies on Butches and Femmes, and even fewer that reflected the kind of questions that

I asked in this study.

In searching for research literature on Butches and Femmes, I discovered that it wasn‟t until the mid to late 1990‟s that researchers began exploring Butch and Femme identities and experiences, but it seems interest has increased during the past ten years. Research studies varied substantially in their topics. Interests ranged from the spiritual aspects of Butch/Femme communities in the 1950‟s and 1960‟s (e.g. Carter, 2004), to Butch/Femme differences in substance use (Rosario, Schrimshaw, and Hunter, 2008), to the politics of lesbian sexuality (e.g.

Smith, 1989; Walker, 1993). There seemed to be a greater interest in the expression of desire, attraction, and sexuality (e.g. Jalas, 2005; Levitt and Heistand, 2005; Singh, Vidaurri,

Zambarano, and Dabbs, 1999) and Butch/Femme partner preferences (e.g. Bailey, Kim, Hills, and Linsenmeier, 1997; Basset, Pearcy, and Dabbs, 2001; Smith, Konik, and Tuve, 2011).

Several of these and a few other research studies (e.g. Kentlyn, 2007; Levitt and

Heistand, 2004) were relevant to this research project. As part of my research design, however, I chose not to review literature until I had completed my own findings so that I could engage in both the data collection and data analysis without influence from what other researchers may have found. This study was not created as an extension of the current literature; rather, it was 16 intended to be a groundwork exploration on Butch/Femme identities and experiences. Given this, it makes sense to reflect back onto the ways that previous research findings do or do not reflect my own. For this reason, I have chosen to review some of the findings of relevant literature in

Chapter VI of this paper, Summary and Discussion.

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Chapter III: Methodology

The purpose of this research study was to explore what it means to identify as a Butch or a Femme and as a Butch/Femme couple. It sought to explore the identity formation of these women, their experiences within that identity, and their relationship as a Butch/Femme couple.

Because there have been few previous studies conducted about Butch/Femme identities and experiences, I chose a qualitative methodology situated in grounded theory. I began the research without any initial knowledge base to support my assumptions or questions and sought to build theoretical hypotheses about Butch/Femme identities and experiences based on the information provided to me by the participants who identified themselves as such. I used pre-determined and open-ended interview questions in order to provide enough structure to compare each couple‟s responses while also creating space for each couple to tell their unique story. I then coded and compared those stories in order to draw theoretical conclusions about what it means to be Butch,

Femme, and a Butch/Femme couple.

Qualitative Research

Grafanaki (1996) describe qualitative research as “a process of systematic inquiry into the meanings which people employ to make sense of and guide their actions” (p.329). Although there are many approaches for conducting qualitative investigations, Creswell (2003) offers eight characteristics of qualitative research in general, which in fact are each qualities of this particular study.

First, qualitative research takes place in natural settings. This allows the researcher to be highly involved in the actual lives and experiences of participants which gives the researcher opportunities to notice and even personally experience details of the participants‟ lives

(Creswell, 2003). 18

Second, qualitative methods are “interactive and humanistic” (Creswell, 2003, p. 181).

They require the involvement of participants and the development of rapport and credibility by the researcher. In particular, face-to-face interviews, such as are used in this study, can help to build a „research alliance‟ toward collaboration in the research study (Grafanaki, 1996). This researcher alliance is much like a therapeutic alliance; to develop it successfully, the researcher needs to engage with sensitivity, curiosity, empathy, and flexibility.

Third, Creswell (2003) describes the process of qualitative research as “emergent” (p.

181). Parts of the process, such as questions asked, data collected, patterns and theories, are likely to be altered and refined. Qualitative research unfolds throughout the process.

Fourth, qualitative research is "fundamentally interpretive" (Creswell, 2003, p.182). That is, the entire process of a qualitative research study is filtered through and influenced by the researcher‟s lens. The researcher interprets answers, meanings, reactions, stories, etcetera and then responds to these based on his or her interpretations. A researcher‟s lens is a reflection of the researcher‟s cultural, historical, and personal background as well as the “specific sociopolitical and historical moment” (p.182).

Fifth, Creswell (2003) argues that qualitative researchers tend to view social phenomena from a holistic perspective. Views tend to be more broad, encompassing, and complex as opposed to specific and causal.

Sixth, qualitative researchers tend to use introspection and acknowledgment throughout their study (Creswell, 2003). As an integrated part of the research process, it is unreasonable to expect that a researcher will not influence the process or product. Thus, researchers engage in a process of self-reflection about their influence on and experience of the research. 19

Seventh, qualitative researchers use what Creswell (2003) calls “complex reasoning” (p.

182). Although it is largely inductive, it is also deductive. Conclusions aren‟t created in a linear fashion; they are cyclical and often happening simultaneously with data collection and analysis.

Again, the process is emergent and fluid.

Finally, Creswell (2003) suggests that qualitative research is further influenced by one or more specific strategies of inquiry that guide the process. This particular study has been guided by a Grounded Theory approach using personal interviews.

Grounded Theory

Mills, Bonner, and Francis (2006) describe grounded theory as “a widely used qualitative research methodology that seeks to inductively distil issues of importance for specific groups of people, creating meaning about those issues through analysis and the molding of theory" (p. 8).

This research study was intended to explore the meaning of Butch and Femme identities in the lives and experiences of those who identify as such. Butches and Femmes are a very specific group of people whose views and lives are largely unknown in the research community.

Therefore, a grounded theory approach fit the intentions of this study appropriately.

Grounded theory designs tend to be intentional about their sample selection. Many grounded theorists use a process known as “theoretical sampling,” which essentially seeks to find participants to “fill in conceptual gaps as a theory is developed” (Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs,

2005, p. 47). Although this study did not use theoretical sampling, it was “selective” in its sampling. Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs describe selective sampling as a process of selecting participants “based on a pre-conceived set of criteria that originates from the researcher‟s guiding assumptions and research questions” (p. 47). The assumptions and questions that set the 20 criteria for the participants in this study are described in the “Participant Selection” section below.

Grounded theory looks at data as the “essential element from which theory evolves”

(Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs, 2005, p.42). Data is collected and analyzed cyclically; data analysis begins almost simultaneously with data collection. As data is collected, the researcher analyzes it for potential themes and theoretical concepts, which then feeds back into and influences the process of data collection, which is then further analyzed. This is known as the

“constant comparative method” (p.42).

After the data is collected, analysis continues to involve as a cyclical process of sorting and re-sorting, coding and recoding (Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs, 2005). As this process continues, the data evolves into an emerging theory of important meanings, patterns, and categories. In other words, the researcher starts without any theory about what may be meaningful to discover and allows the data to inform this theory through a continual process of evolution. Theory is built from the ground up. The goal, then, is to “derive a general, abstract theory of a process, action, or interaction grounded in the views of participants in a study"

(Creswell, 2003, p.14).

The intention of grounded theory research is not necessarily to complete or finalize a theoretical conceptualization or testing of emergent hypothesis (Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs,

2005). Rather, it is an attempt to identify initial hypotheses about the subject at hand. Reporting of grounded theory findings tends be more focused on relationships between concepts than on a description of people or phenomena. "Grounded theory does not aim to provide full individual accounts as evidence; rather, it seeks to move a theoretically sensitive analysis of participants‟ 21 stories onto a higher plane while still retaining a clear connection to the data from which it was derived" (Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006, p. 12).

In conducting research situated in a grounded theory approach, the researcher acts as the primary instrument for data collection and analysis (Echevarria-Doan and Tubbs, 2005). Because of this, the researcher is in a position to influence the process and product in a strong way. “A grounded theorist‟s awareness of the subtleties of meaning in data depends on personal qualities of insight, understanding, and the ability to make sense of what is pertinent” (p. 46). Being able to identify what is pertinent in the data is only a part of the self-awareness that is important for grounded theorists. Mills, Bonner, and Francis (2006) argue that "Explicating the place from which the researcher starts provokes a need to reflect upon his or her underlying assumptions and heightens his or her awareness of listening to and analyzing participants‟ stories as openly as possible” (p.9). Because the researcher plays such a large part in both the process of data collection and the process of data analysis, developing those personal qualities of self-reflection becomes a critical piece of a grounded theory design.

Participant Selection

This study intended to explore the experience of a very specific subgroup of same-sex couples; one partner must be a woman who identifies as a Butch, and the other partner must be a woman who identifies as a Femme. In seeking participants, the researcher made this distinction to potential participants by clarifying in a recruitment email that “It is important that „Butch‟ or

„Femme‟ is not a descriptor of your identity, such as „I am a Butch lesbian‟ or „I am a feminine lesbian‟, but rather is the way you identify: „I am a Butch, and my partner is a Femme’.”

Participants self-identified and were able to determine for themselves whether or not they fit these criteria. 22

Most of the participants were recruited through emails that were forwarded to them from people whom the researcher knew to be connected in some way to the LGBTQ community. The researcher contacted these known persons by email with a description of the research study, a description of the kind of couples needed (as stated above), and a request to pass the email along to anyone who may be able to participate or may know someone else able to participate in the study. This initial email included the researcher‟s email and phone contact information and an invitation to ask questions, request more information, or volunteer to participate in the study.

Three of the four couple participants contacted the researcher in response to this email.

After verifying that both members of the couple system were willing and able to participate in an interview, meeting times were scheduled.The fourth couple was identified directly as a known

Butch/Femme couple to the researcher. This couple volunteered to participate in this study without a formal request to do so.

Demographic information that was collected about the four couples who participated in this study includes the following: Two of the couples lived in Minnesota, and two lived in

Wisconsin. Ages included one couple in their mid-twenties, two couples in their thirties, and one couple in their forties. Two of the couples were engaged, one was married, and the other was not yet living together. Two of the couples had children; one child from a partner‟s previous relationship in one couple, and a total of three children from both partners‟ previous relationships in the other. Most of the participants in this study identified their racial identity as “Caucasian” or “white”. One participant identified as “White and Native American.” Another identified as

“mixed Nigerian and Caucasian.” And a third identified as “Jamaican.”

Data Collection Procedures 23

Participants were contacted by text message or by email to schedule an interview. They were informed that the interview would take between one hour and one and one half hours of their time and that it would be audio taped. Participants were given several days and time slots from which to schedule the interview and were asked to choose the location most comfortable to them. Two of the four couples were interviewed in person because they lived within a two hour drive from the researcher; these participants chose the meeting location and time. The other two couples were interviewed through Skype, as they lived more than two hours away.

Interviews began with a brief casual conversation to establish rapport and comfort for the participants. Participants were then asked to review the consent form and agree to participate in the study either by signature or verbal acknowledgement. Before questioning began, participants were informed that some questions may repeat content and that they were welcome to pass or decline to answer any question they felt uncomfortable with. If the participants had any questions at this point, I answered them before moving on.

I chose to use a structured set of interview questions to guide the interviews (see

Appendix B). However, as each interview evolved, the format and order of questions changed slightly. Follow-up questions were different for each couple and reflected both the content of that particular interview and the evolving process of the constant comparative method.

Data Analysis

Data analysis began, in part, as each interview progressed. By the end of the first interview, I had some hypotheses about Butch and Femme experiences and identities and what might be important and meaningful to future participants. During the second interview, I noticed a parallel process happening within my mind as I compared and contrasted the participants‟ responses to my emerging hypotheses. This influenced some of my follow-up questions, which 24 therefore influenced the responses I received in a process of confirming and disconfirming themes. Such was the process throughout all four interviews.

Once the interviews had been completed, I created a brief list of the themes I believed I would find and then began to transcribe each interview. Transcriptions were completed as accurately as possible, but did not include most filler words such as “um,” “like,” and “you know.” I also chose to leave out “minimal encouragers” spoken by myself or the partner to whomever was taking the lead talking. Minimal encouragers included words and phrases such as

“Yeah,” “Right,” “Go on,” and “That makes sense.” One of the four interviews was transcribed by someone else. In order to ensure as much accuracy as possible, I coached this person on my interviewing style and technique and reviewed her transcription for accuracy.

After all four interviews were transcribed, I intentionally read each of them to re- familiarize myself with what was said and to further refine my hypothesis about important themes. The initial list was adjusted and used to create “Tabs,” or separate worksheets, on an

Excel spreadsheet. Each worksheet represented a general category of information that I believe was spoken to by each couple. Within several of these categories, I created sub-categories that I believed were relevant to the umbrella theme.

Next, I began coding the data, which is a process of organizing the actual interview material into categories (Creswell, 2003). To do this, I color-coded each interview, and then pasted chunks of transcribed text into the Excel spreadsheet based on which category I believed it belonged to. If the text seemed to fit more than one category, I copied it to both places. As I repeated this process for each interview, I added categories, changed the names of others, and combined some as well. After all interviews were coded, I went back one last time to review 25 previous transcripts in light of the revisions to categories and added or adjusted where appropriate.

Finally, I reviewed each categorized worksheet to evaluate for similarities and differences in the themes. I made notes on the worksheet about where else particular data might fit, what might be important to comment on, and how certain themes may be related. Using this information, I began writing my findings and discussion.

Validity

Validity is essentially a measure of how well a research study captures or measures what it is intended to and the extent to which one can trust the study‟s findings. Johnson (1997) proposes that one consider five types of validity in qualitative research: descriptive, interpretive, theoretical, internal, and external. Johnson also advocates for the consideration of the role of researcher bias within the study, which can be a significant threat to validity. I have taken intentional steps throughout this research process to address each of these aspects of validity.

Descriptive validity. Descriptive validity is the extent to which the researcher accurately reports descriptive information, such as events, settings, people, and behaviors that were observed during the study (Johnson, 1997). Perhaps the best way to add descriptive validity to the study is to include multiple observers throughout the research. If there is more than one person who attests to an observation, one can more readily trust that what the researchers say happened actually did. Due to the limitations of this study, however, there was only one observer conducting the interviews. However, I sent my advisor copies of the transcripts and the coding system that I used. Her feedback was that I had good “craftsmanship” in my both what appeared to be accuracy of my transcriptions as well as in the process of coding. Additionally, each couple will be receiving a copy of this completed report, which includes descriptions of the settings and 26 interactions observed during interviews. It is my hope that this accountability to the accuracy of what I report adds trustworthiness to my descriptions.

Interpretive Validity. Interpretive validity is the “the degree to which the research participants‟ viewpoints, thoughts, feelings, intentions, and experiences are accurately understood by the qualitative researcher and portrayed in the research report” (Johnson, 1997, p.

285). It is a measure of whether or not the researcher represents participants‟ inner worlds and the meanings that they give to what is being studied. Interpretive validity is strength of this study.

Interpretive validity has been addressed in this study in two ways: by using low inference descriptors, and by member checking. In my discussion, I use direct quotes from participants that reflect their language, dialect, and the meanings they give to topics being discussed. I also summarize and reflect participants‟ responses in a way that remains close to what was actually said. Doing this ensures that the participants‟ voices are the primary voice to their experience; not my own.

“Member checking” determines the accuracy of findings by taking descriptions of the themes back to the participants and requesting feedback as to whether or not the participants felt that the conclusions were accurate (Creswell, 2003). Member checking was conducted throughout the process of coding and organizing themes through personal communications with participants when there was need for clarification. On several occasions, I texted, emailed, or called a participant to ask for feedback on my understanding of what they had said. Additionally, after the first draft of the discussion was written, and before any literature review was included, all participants were sent copies of this chapter in order to solicit their feedback. Participants were invited to review what I had written if they had the ability to do so and let me know 27 whether or not it reflected their experiences as Butch and Femme, if they saw themselves reflected in my conclusions, and whether or not my understanding or interpretation fit what they intended to communicate.

Three of the four couples got back to me after reading my initial findings. None of them specifically stated whether or not they thought my interpretations captured their experiences. The general response was one of enjoyment of what I had written. One couple mentioned that they had “great discussions” with one another as they read through my findings together. These responses seem to imply that my findings likely captured the participants‟ experiences.

Theoretical Validity. Theoretical validity is “the extent to which a theoretical explanation developed from a research study fits the data and, therefore, is credible and defensible” (Johnson, 1997, p. 286). Theory attempts to explain the how and why of a phenomena. Theoretical validity can be increased in a study through several methods: by engaging in extensive fieldwork- conducting multiple studies in order to confirm or disconfirm one‟s theories, by “theory triangulation”- attempting to explain phenomena through more than one theoretical lens, and by peer review- discussing the researcher‟s data and theory with others in the field to compare conclusions and receive feedback.

This study may be weak in theoretical validity. Because this study, to my knowledge, is one of only two others like it, there is little other research to compare it to. Still, as discussed in

Chapter VI, many of my findings parallel those found in the similar studies. Also, the intention of this study was not to formally create a theory. This study was primarily exploratory in nature; few theoretical conclusions were drawn about the how or why of Butch/Femme identities and experiences. In conducting this study, I did not intentionally consider through any lens other than 28 my own. However, through the process of revision by my advisor, it became clear that several theoretical perspectives were influencing my own.

Perhaps the strongest theoretical framework influencing my own is social constructivism, the theoretical idea that knowledge, experiences, and meanings are co-created within a social context. Culture, community, and relationships, for example, influence one‟s interpretation of his or her experiences (Creswell, 2003). One‟s subjective meanings, therefore, are varied, multiple, and fluid. They are likely to shift or evolve in different contexts, which includes the context of this study‟s interviews. My own responses and interpretations become a part of the participants‟ experiences and therefore add to the co-creation of the meaning given to

Butch and Femme. My influence as the researcher on this study is discussed in greater detail later in this chapter.

It also seems that I have implicitly drawn on queer theory throughout this research process. Queer theory argues that sexuality cannot be understood along the dichotomous continuum of heterosexuality and homosexuality (Gamson and Moon, 2004). Furthermore, queer theory argues that “sexual identities, desires, and categories are fluid and dynamic, and that sexuality is inevitably intertwined with, even sometimes constitutive of, power relations” (p. 49).

According to the ideas of queer theory, identities, be they sexual, gender, or otherwise, are unlikely to be either stable or unified between people, communities, culture, or across time.

Internal validity. Internal validity is the “degree to which a researcher is justified in concluding that an observed relationship is causal” (Johnson, 1997, p. 287). Johnson described a method to improving internal validity known as “data triangulation,” which was an integral part of this research design. Data triangulation is the process of using multiple sources of information, such as different times, different places, and different people, in a single research 29 study. This study did not use multiple forms of data, and so may be weak in internal validity.

However, the purpose of this study was not to determine cause and effect relationships.

External validity. External validity is a measure of a research study‟s applicability to other people, places, and times (Johnson, 1997). According to Johnson, generalizability, as it is typically understood in quantitative studies, is not usually a goal for qualitative studies. This is because, first, qualitative studies rarely use random samples, which is the best way to assure generalizability to the larger population. The other reason, according to Johnson, is that qualitative research tends to attempt to show what is unique about a very specific population as opposed to what may be true for a broad population.

Appleton (1995) discusses “applicability” or “fittingness” as perhaps a more appropriate measure of a qualitative study‟s external validity. That is, how well does the study apply to or fit the experiences of others in that particular group. Johnson (1997) describes this as “naturalistic generalization.” He explains that, “The more similar the people and circumstances in a particular research study are to the ones that you want to generalize to, the more defensible your generalization will be and the more readily you should make such a generalization” (Johnson,

1997, p. 290). Similarly, Horsburgh (2003) writes, “Generalizabilty in qualitative research refers to the extent to which theory developed within one study may be exported… to provide explanatory theory for the experiences of other individuals who are in comparable situations” (p.

311). As applied to this study, then, external validity would be whether the findings fit the experiences of other Butches and Femmes.

It is my belief that this research study does, indeed, demonstrate “fittingness” or

“naturalistic generalizability” to the particular demographic of Butch/Femme individuals and couples were the focus of this study. However, it is up to the reader to determine how 30 generalizable these findings may be to different, or even similar, demographics and populations.

It is my hope that by including detailed information about my participants‟ demographics and how my data was collected, readers will feel informed in their choice of to whom any results or conclusions might be appropriately generalized (Johnson, 1997).

Role of the researcher. As mentioned previously, qualitative research, which is grounded in a social constructivist perspective, involves "interplay" between the researcher and the participants (Creswell, 2003; Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006). They engage in a type of relationship throughout the research process where the interview, in particular, becomes the context for the co-creation of knowledge; the researcher reacts to the “data” that is being given, and the participants respond to the researcher‟s reaction (Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006).

Creswell (2003) writes:

Humans engage with their world and makes sense of it based on their historical and

social perspective-- we are all born into a world of meaning bestowed upon us by our

culture. Thus, qualitative researchers seek to understand the context or setting of the

participants through visiting this context and gathering information personally. They also

make an interpretation of what they find, an interpretation shaped by the researchers' own

backgrounds (p. 9).

By actively participating in the collection of data, the researcher will undoubtedly influence the data. By interpreting the data, drawing conclusions, and identifying themes, the researcher brings his or her own culture, community, history, and perspective into the conclusions. The researcher becomes an integral part of the entire process and product; he or she participates in “data generation as opposed to data collection (emphasis added)” (Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006, p.10). 31

Johnson (1997) suggests that this co-creation of knowledge carries with it the risk of

“researcher bias,” which is the idea that the researcher‟s responses will shape the interview process in such a way that confirms what the researcher thinks he or she will discover.

“Researcher bias tends to result from selective observation and selective recording of information, and also from allowing one's personal views and perspectives to affect how data are interpreted and how the research is conducted” (p. 284). Research that is highly influenced by researcher bias is far less likely to be trustworthy in its findings, thus lowering a study‟s validity.

A key strategy in combating researcher bias is reflexivity (Johnson, 1997; Horsburgh,

2003). “Reflexivity refers to active acknowledgement by the researcher that her/his own actions and decisions will inevitably impact upon the meaning and context of the experience under investigation” (Horsburg, 2003, p. 308). It is a process of active self-reflection that brings the researcher awareness about his or her assumptions, biases, and power differentials so that his or her responses to participants can be as non-judgmental and unbiased as possible. (Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006). Part of what makes good qualitative research, then, is a continual process of introspection and acknowledgement.

For me, this process began with a consideration of my assumptions. To do this, I began by taking the time to consider what assumptions I had about how participants would answer my interview questions. Clearly, my assumptions entered into this research study immediately in the very choices I made about which interview questions to ask (see Appendix B for a copy of the research questions). To clarify those particular assumptions, I reviewed the interview questions prior to interviewing any participants and asked myself what I assumed participants would say in response. I encountered two major assumptions that I felt might create researcher bias during my interviews. 32

The first major assumption I encountered was that there was a difference between women who identified as “Butch lesbian” or “feminine lesbian” and those who identified as Butch or

Femme. I specified this differentiation in the email I sent out to recruit participants and one woman, who identified as a “Butch lesbian,” asked me what the difference was. I became immediately aware that I didn‟t particularly know what the difference was; I just assumed that there was. After all, in beginning of this study, I had only met one woman who identified as “a

Butch”. I think I had gotten the impression from her that to identify as a “Butch” was to identify with part of a group that others may not fit into. I knew from my own experiences within the

LGBTQ community that there were women who appeared on the outside to fit what I assumed

Butches would look like, but they did not identify as Butch (and the same for Femmes). I therefore assumed that being “Butchy” in appearance or “feminine” in appearance was different from being a Butch and a Femme.

I knew I would need to hold this distinction loosely as I engaged in the interview process so that my assumption that there was something importantly different about identifying as “a

Butch/Femme” versus “a Butch or Femme lesbian” did not influence my line of questioning.

When several of the participants responded to my question about this difference with some confusion, I engaged in a conversation with them about my assumptions. I then asked a clarifying question in each of my interviews which was, essentially “So what makes a Butch a

Butch and a Femme a Femme?”

Second, I found that because of my relationship with a Butch-identified woman I had fairly strong assumptions about the way that these identities affected roles and expectations. In my relationship experience, the Butch/Femme dynamic required that I take on fairly feminine, female-gendered roles and expectations, while my Butch-identified partner took on most 33 masculine and male-gendered roles and expectations. Such was also true of my experience with and assumptions about the Butch/Femme sexual relationship. Knowing this assumption, I was able to be curious with the couples in this study as to whether or not such was true about roles and expectations within their relationships.

My intention in identifying and acknowledging these assumptions was to become better able to set them aside in order to open up space for each participant‟s truth to come forward.

"Explicating the place from which the researcher starts provokes a need to reflect upon his or her underlying assumptions and heightens his or her awareness of listening to and analyzing participants‟ stories as openly as possible" (Mills, Bonner, and Francis, 2006, p. 9). Awareness allowed for choice- choice about how to respond to what I was hearing from the participants, choice in which question I might ask next, and choice about how to understand or interpret the information that I was receiving.

It is my hope that by being open about my history with the Butch/Femme community, my assumptions prior to conducting this research, and my personal experience of the research process, readers will be able to better see the role I have played and my influence in the co- creation of the knowledge brought forth through this research study.

Strengths

One of the major strengths of this study‟s methodology was the establishment of more equal power dynamics between myself and the participants. According to Mills, Bonner, and

Francis (2006), taking steps to become more self-aware, allowing participants to schedule time and place of interview, using a relatively flexible approach to questioning, assuming an open stance toward the participants, and sharing personal details both during and after the interview are all ways to diminish the otherwise likely hierarchy between researcher and participants. 34

Each of these steps was taken throughout this study. As discussed previously, I intentionally practiced reflexivity throughout the research process. Couples self-selected, which means no one else put the label on them. Participants chose the time and location of the interview; they even chose their own aliases for the write-up. All of the interviews began with some casual conversation in which pieces of the researcher‟s life were shared in order to establish comfort and rapport. Additionally, I answered all other questions asked by participants as they came up throughout the process. Finally, although my questions were pre-determined, I asked them in a flexible way, sometimes rephrasing them for clarification, and sometimes asking them in a slightly different order. Follow-up questions were asked as needed for each interview in order to express curiosity and deepen my understanding of the participants‟ experiences.

Another strength of this study is the relative diversity represented, given the small sample. There was a span in age of about 20 years between participants and the range of time together varied between nine months and over five years. The participants in this study were at different places in their relationship as well; one couple was not yet living together, one couple was married, another couple was about to be married, and the fourth couple was engaged with plans to marry in about two years. Half of the couples were raising children in their families.

And finally, this sample included some racial diversity. Having a diverse sample is important to this study first, because it is exploratory, and the more diversity represented in the sample, the more types of experiences that can be explored. Second, as a grounded theory research study, I am interested what differences there may be in a range of experiences.

Limitations

Although attempts to ensure the validity of this study add strength to its design, it is also weak in some areas. Including another observer, inviting a peer review, or including multiple 35 sources of data would have added greatly to this study‟s trustworthiness. While I did send my findings to participants for member checking, my own time constraints required that I put a tight timeline to receiving participants‟ responses. If they had more time, more participants may have been able to respond more thoroughly with their feedback. Additionally, although I attempted to address my assumptions in this study, it is likely that I have not been aware of them all. This may be especially relevant considering the fact that I am new to the research process and therefore have little previous experience in anticipating the ways that I might adversely influence the process and product.

There are also limitations to this study‟s sample. It is a small sample and is homogenous in many ways. All of the participants came from the Midwest. All seemed to be from middle class backgrounds. Although there was some racial diversity, it was not enough to draw comparisons, nor was cultural or racial diversity a primary focus of the study. In fact, it was an afterthought. Participants were asked to disclose their racial background several weeks after the interviews had concluded. Finally, participants self-selected which may mean there is a particular quality about those participants such that they were interested in being part of a research study.

Two other choices that I made may also have influenced the study and may be viewed as limitations. First, one of the couples I interviewed included a participant whom I knew personally, and her partner whom I knew less well but still had previous interactions with. The fact that all of us have had a previous relationship may have influenced the questions that I asked as well as the way that the participants responded. This may be especially true when it came to questions about the couple‟s sexual relationship. I did, however, address this discomfort with the couple and encourage them to answer questions even if they thought I may already know part of the answer, and to not disclose any more than they felt comfortable sharing. 36

Second, I chose to have another person help to transcribe one of the interviews. Although

I coached her on my own process of transcription and reviewed her work for accuracy, there may have been differences in transcribing that could have affected what came across and was therefore coded. Still, in recalling the actual interview while reviewing her transcription, it appeared to be accurate and well-transcribed.

Ethical Considerations

Many of the ethical considerations were addressed by providing an informed consent for the participants. The major ethical considerations suggested by the consent form involved the potential for psychological discomfort during the interview due to the content requested by interview questions. Some of the questions carried the risk of stirring up memories of uncomfortable or even painful experiences. One of the questions specifically asked about sex, which in and of itself can be an uncomfortable topic for couples to discuss. Additionally, in telling one‟s own individual story, couples might reveal information about themselves about which their partner was not previously aware. Although the latter could potentially bring couples closer together, it could also create tension or conflict. The consent form also offered couples resources from which they could find support or ask questions. Both the research design and the consent form were approved by the Institutional Review Board at the University of Wisconsin--

Stout.

Because qualitative interviewing requires that the researcher be in close contact with participants over an extended period of time, many ethical issues can be difficult to predict

(Grafanaki, 1996). For example, although I informed participants that they did not have to answer any question that felt uncomfortable, there were moments in several interviews that I sensed some discomfort on the part of participants. In using direct quotes from the participants, I encountered an ethical issue about which quotes to use; that is, I had to make ethical decisions 37 about how much and what details might reveal too much about couples‟ personal experiences.

Similarly, after seeking feedback about the fittingness of my results and discussion, one participant expressed discomfort about the fact that I used direct quotes at all, which was certainly not an anticipated response. I addressed this concern by responding to her email; I attempted to explain my reasoning for using direct quotes and also asked if there was a particular quote she was uncomfortable with or if she would like me to edit what I have included of her responses. She did not respond further.

Selecting participants and then protecting anonymity is also an important ethical consideration for studies such as this one (Grafanki, 1996). Because I selected participants by networking through those to whom I had a personal relationship, there is a high risk that those people may be able to identify participants. Additionally, by disclosing that I personally knew one of the participants in this study, people who know me may be able to figure out who that participant is. Although I tried to protect anonymity and confidentiality as best as possible through aliases and choices about what information to disclose, it may be possible for those who know the participants to identify them simply through their case stories or direct quotes. Because participants were selected from two relatively close demographic areas, and because they are members of the relatively small LGBTQ community and even smaller Butch/Femme population, the likelihood of being identified by others increases further.

One final ethical consideration involves the choice to have assistance in the transcription process which involved another person being privy to all of the sensitive material in the interview, as well as to actual participant names. To address this, I made sure that the person I had helping was familiar with the practices of protecting confidentiality and HIPPA law. I also made sure that she had no connections to the couple whose interview she transcribed. 38

Chapter IV: Case Studies

In this chapter, I will introduce the Butch/Femme couples who participated in this study to give context to their words and to honor and enhance the richness of their stories. It feels important as I introduce the couples who participated in this research, however, to speak not only about their story, but also about their presence. During each interview, I experienced an energy, almost a tangible quality of each couple‟s connection—their couple-hood. This too, I want to name in order to honor it. To speak about them, without speaking to my experience of them seems an incomplete picture. In the next chapter, I will focus on themes and patterns that emerged between the participants.

Jack and Mara

Jack and Mara settled on opposite sides of their couch, feet on top of one another‟s laps, sipping on both water and what looked like a White Russian. They offered me a water, gave me directions to the bathroom, and inquired about what had brought me to this research. Throughout the interview, Mara would check in with Jack about her level of sharing, and Jack would gently challenge Mara about any “sweeping generalizations” she may have made. They seemed perfectly at ease, comfortable, casual, considerate of one another, self-reflective, and willing to be open and honest about themselves.

Jack and Mara are in their early thirties and have been a couple for five and a half years.

They are currently engaged, “With a capital G-A-Y!”, Mara explains playfully. Jack identifies as a Butch, and Mara identifies as a Femme. Yet for this couple, another important part of their couple-identity relates to their sexuality. Mara describes herself as “kinky” and explains that she and Jack participate in “situational non-monogamy.” Their comfort with their own sexuality and sexual expression is evident throughout their story. They seemed to have found a way of being in the world that truly works for them. 39

Jack and Mara met around Halloween at a “sexy” party that Mara was throwing. She‟d seen Jack around and “was very interested.” Although Jack had to work that night, she came to the party anyway. When an opportunity came up to “kiss the person in the room you‟re most attracted to”, Mara took it.

Mara: And so then I walked over to you in a hopefully very sexy fashion, like a panther,

and then… we kissed, and I bumped teeth with you and I was so ashamed. I was so

embarrassed. And, but no tongue. It was pretty tame. And then as the night progressed, I

felt like you were just really…

Jack: Attentive we will say.

After that night, they made plans to attend a Halloween party where they spent most of the night talking together about porn, which for Mara was a very “promising” sign. Their first date was on

Halloween, and the rest is history.

Jack started dating girls when she was 19, but kept it mostly hidden. She explained thinking she was probably gay in high school, “but I didn‟t have any, I didn‟t have a language or any support for it. So, the first lesbian that I found, we started dating.” Jack officially “came out” when she was 21, at which point she began what she describes a transition process from “I‟m a lady, [to] I‟m androgynous, [to] I‟m Butch.” She explained that it really hadn‟t been until she started dating Mara that her sense of Butch identity began to solidify, which, according to the couple, was likely influenced by Mara‟s sense of “high Femme” identity and love for polarization. “Maybe that‟s part of why you identify more Butch now,” Mara explains, “I‟m like

„Hey what‟s up Butchy mc Butchin‟ Butch! President of Butchville!‟”

Mara came out when she was 15. She said: 40

…but not to any fruition of any kind. I just, I came out as being gay, it was still in high

school so I had no one to make out with or actualize my gayness in any real way. I mean

I was identifying as gay but dating boys.

She began to identify as a Femme when she was about 22, after being powerfully affected by the novel Stone Butch Blues. She explained,

It was in college and it was the first Butch person I had ever met or had any kind of

interaction. I didn‟t even know people like that existed, until I walked into this room and

there she was. And it was like “oh my god!” and so that was brief and crushed me, but

was amazing and very educational in that way, of like, “Oh, this is what it feels like to be

really powerfully physically attracted to somebody” in a way that I had never

experienced with any other gender or gender presentation or anything like that. And then,

some years later, then I read Stone Butch Blues for the first time and was like “oh my

god! This! This is it. This is what it is!” And … It just all kinda came together.

In the book, she recognized a reflection of herself and of what she wanted, but even then, it‟s taken the trust of her relationship to feel free to be her “princessy” self. Mara explains to Jack,

I feel like just in the way that I feel like you have gotten to embrace your Butchness in

kind of response to my Femmeness, I have gotten to embrace my inner mermaid princess

because you‟re calling me your precious mermaid princess all the time.

Jack and Mara both seem to have found themselves in the co-creation of each other, and their interactions throughout the interview spoke to how well they seem to fit together.

Johna and Mia

Johna and Mia settle closely together on their bed for our Skype interview. They explain it is the quietest room in their house and laugh as they tell me that although the purple wall 41 behind them is very pretty, the room is a quite messy with clothes. Johna speaks with a slight southern drawl, as she is originally from Arkansas, and to me it seems rather endearing. Johna and Mia look a little squished together to fit in their computer‟s camera, but they don‟t seem to mind. They appear to be a very affectionate couple, holding hands, Johna‟s arm around Mia, gently touching her shoulder. To me, they radiated warmth and adoration for one another.

Johna and Mia are in their early and mid-forties. They‟ve only been together for nine months, but already they are happily married. They met at a gay club, where “girly girl” Mia took interest first in whether or not Butch-identified Johna was a woman. “I asked the bar tender

„is that a.. a man or a woman?‟, and he said „Ask her yourself,‟ and I was like „Oh, ok.‟ At the same bar, Mia said that their connection happened “almost immediately” on the dance floor.

I‟ve always said, “you read the romance novels and you watch the movies and you talk

about how it was immediate and you know.” I knew right away, and I never knew what

that was until the dance floor and the first night we danced.

Mia was in need of a dance partner, and a friend at the bar practically pushed Johna into Mia‟s arms. Johna was game for it, and Mia, even though she had a girlfriend at the time, was willing to dance. Johna got the feeling that Mia‟s relationship wasn‟t the right one.

Johna: The first time I touched you, you knew you was in trouble. That‟s just why I said

if you knew you was in trouble you was not in relationship with a partner. You know?

Cuz that woman‟s not right for you. If you‟re calling her a partner and I touch you and

then there‟s something wrong.

Mia: And I get that now because I dance with a lot of different people. And, you know

I‟ll tell her “Don‟t touch anyone the way you touched me…” 42

They both felt it was the right thing, and even though they have had trials along the way, neither could say enough about how great it is between them.

Johna came out about five years ago, but she had left her husband two years prior to that and had already been in a relationship with a woman for a year. As for being Butch, Johna explains it‟s who she‟s always been. “I didn‟t change my appearance very much, or the way I acted or anything, I just chose to be with a woman… I was the husband to my marriage.” Yet the first time she was given the label “Butch,” Johna struggled.

I got mad. I was pissed, I was hurt because I was called a Butch, and I‟m going “but I‟m

just me”. I‟m just me! But I asked God night before to help me identify myself. Well, the

first person I met called me a Butch, and I got mad! I got mad! …then I go home, I go,

“I‟m still mad”… and it‟s only me in my apartment, and I go, “God?” and he said “You

wanted to know!” and I go “Ok…” “So why are you mad?” So I had to sit and think

about so why was I mad?

She went on to explain that, at first, being labeled Butch felt like she was being “down-graded,” until she got adjusted to the community and realized it was just a comment about the way she was. Mia added playfully, “Now you get mad when I tell you someone else is more Butch than you!”

Mia has only been out for a little over a year, but had her first relationship with a woman when she was in college. She expressed feeling like something of a “newbie” to the lesbian community, but was very familiar with being a Femme.

Well I didn‟t know anything, but I made the decision not to change who I was and not to

cut my hair or change my appearance. I changed my appearance, but I didn‟t change my 43

appearance for that reason. But I didn‟t, I still like to wear my dresses, I still like to get

gussied up, I still have fun.

Johna commented, “The only thing that happened was that she just decided to cross the fence, you know. I‟m glad she did…” Mia explained that her identification with the label “Femme” began after a conversation with a friend who‟d been part of the community for a while. She had felt “different” in the community because of her long hair and girly fashion, but this woman sat her down, gave her some resources, and explained a few things. “I think she was probably the first one that, you know, „You‟re definitely the girly girl; you‟re definitely the Femme‟”. The identity became solidified, however, when she found herself needing to have a conversation with her son about Butch/Femme labels.

Johna had a men‟s Axe soap in my bathroom and I have a 16 year old … he had gotten in

the shower, and he had said “Why is there men‟s soap in here? Why would Johna use

men‟s soap?” and I said “Because she‟s Butch.” And he said “don‟t call her that!” and we

had to call Johna and talk to her.

It was then, Mia explains, that she started owning the Butch/Femme identity as labels for her and her relationship. And now, they both report feeling very comfortable in these aspects of their identities; after all, the labels just fit who each has always been!

McKenzie and Lindsay

I met McKenzie and Lindsay at a coffee shop. They had gotten there before me to have lunch with a friend who had come to visit for Lindsay‟s birthday. When I arrived, they introduced me to their friend and sincerely invited me to join them for a while. As a whole, I quickly learned, McKenzie and Lindsay were simply a friendly, inviting, and welcoming couple .

They were both fairly soft-spoken, and perhaps a little reserved in some of their answers, but 44 they were also warm and encouraging to one another and willing to talk about even the things that felt a little uncomfortable.

McKenzie and Lindsay are in their late and early twenties. McKenzie identifies as Butch and Lindsay identifies as Femme, but to them, the terms seem a little out-dated. They‟ve been together for two years, but because of McKenzie‟s forestry internship in Missouri, they live apart throughout the summer. Both women graduate next spring and are planning on moving together, wherever McKenzie‟s forestry job places them.

Lindsay and McKenzie first met on a social networking site which, for McKenzie, was an unexpected start to a relationship. McKenzie explains,

I had never done it and it was kind of new and weird to me, like oh my god, I‟m talking

to someone on MySpace! Like romantically, I didn‟t do the social networking a lot at

all… until I started talking to her more.

They chatted back and forth for about three weeks before meeting up for their first date at a restaurant. It went so well that they wanted to spend more time together, but because both were living with family at the time and didn‟t want to just “bring a new girl home,” their solution was to get a hotel room together. “Which sounds really bad! I told her it sounds so trashy!”

McKenzie explains, “But we didn‟t know how else to go about it!” It must have been a good move for the couple, however, as they would be celebrating their two year anniversary that weekend in the same hotel!

McKenzie reflects always being more “masculine” in her identity and having known that she was attracted to girls since she was only six or seven.

I was always “the tomboy.” My mom let me shave my hair and buy the Tonka trucks, it

was just natural. So I always kind of felt that way… I‟ve always played sports, always 45

been attracted to girls pretty much. I mean, when I was little, I remember going to a

therapist. I can‟t remember why my parents wanted us… I think it had something to do

with my parents getting divorced, and they wanted us to see a therapist but, the therapist

asked me if I could change five things about myself and I remember the first thing I said

was “I want to be a boy.” And he was taken aghast; he didn‟t know what to do. He just

sat there, it was almost like he was uncomfortable so I segued that with . . . “so I can play

professional baseball,” because I felt like he felt like it was really weird, and I kind of felt

like there was something wrong with me.

McKenzie spoke quite a bit to this experience of having to keep secret a part of herself that was different. She finally started coming out to people when she was 14, but it was a progression. She came out to her family first and then started coming out to the rest of the world little by little. In being out, McKenzie was able to express herself on the outside in a way that more closely reflects how she‟s always felt on the inside, a way that “If you have to classify it in some hieratical manner,” she says “…is closer to Butch.”

Lindsay began her coming out process when she was 15 but her family didn‟t believe she was a lesbian. “They thought it was a phase, and I think part of the reason is that I am more stereotypically feminine.” Lindsay had to come out a second time. This time, she was 18 and had started dating her first girlfriend. She still felt some shame about her identity, but maintained her authentic femininity. A year or so later, however, she moved to a new community where there were not many Femmes or Butch/Femme couples; Lindsay felt that she didn‟t fit in. In fact,

Lindsay learned quickly that “You didn't carry a purse and you didn't wear make-up... If you did, people automatically assumed you were a straight, wanna-be lesbian.” A woman that she was dating at the time even went so far as to say “I think I‟m in love with a straight girl.” As a result, 46

Lindsay explains, “I went through a phase of trying to be more androgynous and it didn‟t work out for me, it was totally unnatural.” Despite social pressures to be less feminine, Lindsay reports feeling more authentic expressing herself in a highly feminine way. The Femme identity fits her more naturally.

Jordan and Vanessa

Jordan and Vanessa settled together on their living room couch for our Skype interview.

Laughter between the two erupted almost immediately- with my first question of how old each partner was. “She‟s gonna say 26, and that‟s a lie!” Jordan informed me after her laughter had died down. Vanessa did not want to disclose her age. Jordan responded with, “Yes! C‟mon, you‟re hot!” At that, Vanessa caved and told me how old she was. Such playful banter seemed to be the very nature of Jordan and Vanessa‟s relationship. They teased each other, made faces in the camera, and snuggled into each other‟s arms between their laughter. They delighted in each other, and it was a delight to witness.

Jordan and Vanessa are both newly into their thirties and are proud parents to Vanessa‟s biological 12 year old son. They met rather serendipitously two years ago at a local club frequented by the LGBTQ community. Vanessa had been planning to go out that night; she had even brought her “going out clothes” to work so that she could go straight to her usual bar when she was done. But for no particular reason, Vanessa decided to go to a different bar that night; the bar that Jordan almost wasn’t at! The story, for Jordan went like this:

So I do not like to go out, but then Karen, my tattoo lady, wanted me to go out. And I got

there, and the parking lot was empty, and I said “Oh, son of a…” I wasn‟t going to go in.

But then I went in, and it was dead of course. But Sarah [my best friend] was there, and I

was hanging out with some new people that I, my tattoo lady Karen was hanging out 47

with, and then I saw her. And I was like, “Who the hell is that?!” Cuz I, you know, I hung

out at that place all the time. I thought I knew all the gays in Madison, but I didn‟t know

her. And she walked right past me and didn‟t even give me the time of day! And then she

walks into the G bar… And when she came back from the G bar we made eye contact…

and… then went to go back to the dance floor and kept looking back at me. And then I

wasn‟t sure if I should talk to her cuz she looked like a straight girl. But she kept giving

me a lot of these kinds of looks (demonstrates) and so I went to talk to her. I never walk, I

don‟t walk up to girls.

She never walks up to girls, but she walked up to Vanessa. And their connection happened rather quickly. Jordan asked Vanessa out for coffee the next morning. “She didn‟t even drink coffee!

She didn‟t even drink anything! She got a smoothie and just did like this…” Jordan demonstrated dipping straw in and out of a cup, “with her straw the whole time. She didn‟t even drink it.” “I was nervous!” Vanessa responds, “Cuz you were sooo attractive and hot, and I couldn‟t even park!”

Indeed, Vanessa had some trouble parking her car that morning, but no relationship starts out entirely smooth. Jordan‟s busy schedule required Vanessa to text, which she really dislikes doing, and Vanessa‟s personal history made her cautious with Jordan at first; she didn‟t disclose that she was in the process of a divorce with a man or even her real first name! But something about the serendipity of their first night and the connection and playfulness they experienced together carried them through. Now, they are only weeks away from their wedding day!

Jordan‟s story of coming out and identifying as a Butch began when she was about 14 at which age she came out as a lesbian. A year later, Jordan came out to her parents. Initially,

Jordan “tried to be straight-looking,” but it didn‟t fit who she felt she was on the inside. For her 48 job, Jordan was doing a lot of travelling to Seattle, Washington, where she discovered a stronger community of Butches and Femmes. In her exposure to the Butch/Femme dynamic, Jordan discovered a reflection of herself that fit. So, “I think my Butchness… in 2006, or 2005, or 2006

I decided to cut my hair… I came out as Butch.”

Vanessa‟s story of coming out is a lot more complicated. Vanessa grew up in Jamaica, where it was absolutely not ok to be “out.” She explains that her parents have known for a long time that she was a lesbian, but it was almost never spoken about. Vanessa has felt attracted to girls for “Forever! I think just society determined what happened,” she explains. Jordan elaborates:

So when I met her, she was married to a dude. So, it‟s kinda weird… But she‟s had a

girlfriend way before that. (Speaks to Vanessa,) You had a four year long relationship

before that. But out in terms of public out probably just two years, huh?

Vanessa left Jamaica about six or seven years ago because it was, as she put it, an “I gotta get outta here situation.” Although the United States certainly has a long way to go in its acceptance and affirmation of LGBTQ people and relationships, for Vanessa, this country and this relationship with Jordan have been the first time she has been safe to be authentically herself.

Femme is who she‟s always been, and a lesbian is who she finally gets to embrace also being.

49

Chapter V: Findings

In conducting this study, I sought to gain a sense of what it is like for Butch and Femme women to be in the world and to be in relationship with one another. What does it mean to own these identities? Although each couple made it very clear that their experiences are only their own, and not necessarily the experiences of others, a number of themes emerged between the couples.

Identifying as Butch and Femme

A natural fit. One of the most common expressions I heard from each of the couples was that being a Butch or a Femme was simply who they have “always been”; the label, or category of identification, so to speak, fits the experience of self-expression and self-in-relationship that seems to come “naturally.” For instance, Johna stated, “It‟s always been who I am. I didn‟t change my appearance very much, or the way I acted or anything, I just chose to be with a woman. I was the husband to my marriage…” McKenzie reflected a similar statement explaining, “I feel more stereotypically masculine than otherwise, and obviously Lindsay feels more stereotypically feminine, and it just works out for us.” When reflecting on the way that being a Butch and a Femme influences her partnership with Jack, Mara stated “I feel like that is such… I don‟t even… it‟s like… it‟s like it‟s so big, it‟s beyond influencing.” To be a Butch or a

Femme, then, is just to be as one is. And to be a Butch/Femme couple is just to bring that authentic self to one‟s relationship.

Support from the community. As much as each couple can now look back and say,

“Yes Butch or Femme is just who I have always been,” it became evident in their stories that the process wasn‟t automatic or easy. Many couples reflected, in one way or another, that, at first, they did not have a language or framework for understanding who it was they felt they were. 50

Connecting with the Butch/Femme community seemed to play an important role in couples‟ identification as Butch or Femme. Through the community, these couples found a reflection of what it meant to be labeled a Butch/Femme person, what Butch/Femme relationships looked like, and a sense of belonging and support. Jordan, for example, reflected:

Yeah, I always felt gay, but I was like, I don‟t know. Here in Madison there‟s not, it‟s not

as strong. It‟s kind of like everybody‟s some pseudo something, like granola lesbian…

for me, it was being exposed to…other Butch Femme people and that dynamic. It was

pretty hard core in Seattle and I was like, “Oh, so that‟s what I am.”

Seeing others like herself and coming to awareness of what it means to be Butch and Femme was an “aha” experience in Jordan‟s process.

Mara expressed a similar experience, but she found her aha moment when reading the book Stone Butch Blues, by Leslie Feinberg. In discussing the way the book helped her “fit together” who she was and what she wanted in a relationship, Mara said,

Yes, seeing something that I felt that I really personally related to, this certain kinda, I

don‟t know what you would call it, like a dogma or a paradigm? I don‟t really have the

right academic-type sounding word, but seeing this vision of what it looked like, and

being like “I want that. I want the high heels, and the fancy tight dresses, and my super-

dapper-knight-in-shining-armor Butch to make me feel all princessy and all of those good

feelings.” And I think... that I feel like I have always wanted that, but, I didn‟t want it

from a man… a male gendered person because then it‟s just… you get fed on feminism

being a young woman at the time that I was, and so then it feels like, well, it‟s ok for me

to have that super princess vibe… and feel like I‟m still getting to buck the system in my

own way. 51

Suddenly, Mara had a vision of how she could embrace who she wanted to be as a self and as a self-in relationship.

Sometimes, a community of LGBTQ people is hard to find, which means that connecting with Butch/Femme people can be even trickier. Lindsay, for example, felt “kind of insecure, like

I didn‟t fit in in the community” as a Femme. She also had the sense that members in the community would respond with criticism to Butch/Femme couples because they “imitate straight couple dynamics.” Her comfort in expressing herself as Femme was a gradual process influenced by who she was in relationship. Because McKenzie fully supports Lindsay in this relationship, she reports finally being able to be comfortable being who she is.

Jack and Mara, even though they had some connection and support from the

Butch/Femme community, also spoke to the importance of one another‟s support on their identification as Butch and Femme. Mara‟s strong identity as a high Femme and strong vision of wanting her “dapper Butch” seemed to help reinforce and support Jack‟s connection to the Butch identity. Jack‟s support and encouragement of Mara‟s high Femme identity helped her feel safer to embrace it more freely. Reflecting on the importance of community, Jack summed it up well:

I think part of it is that if you don‟t have a community to support you, it is hard to admit

that you are something. So, having that realization and then trying to find people who

seemed to identify that way depending on what circles you run in can be a little tricky.

What Makes a Butch a Butch and Femme a Femme?

Gender identity and expression: Who you feel you are. Answering the question “What makes a Butch a Butch and a Femme a Femme?” is a tricky one, because, as McKenzie so eloquently put it, “You can be Femme or Butch no matter what your orientation is; it‟s more of a gender thing than a sexual orientation thing.” Jordan echoes that statement in saying, 52

…I feel like Butch and Femme is on your inside and it‟s, people choose to express it

differently on the outside. So like with me, the way I feel on the inside doesn‟t

necessarily match the outside but, Butches tend to be more masculine… Whether you

look like that on the outside is kinda up to them… I think that a lot of it, when you‟re

talking Butch/Femme dynamic… [it‟s]… about what‟s on the inside and not so much

necessarily what you‟re attracted to making you more of a Butch and more of a Femme,

you know?

This may seem counter-intuitive since the couples in this study were all partnered with someone who identified on the opposite polarity, but indeed such was simply a design choice; I intentionally sought out Butches and Femmes who were partnered with someone who identified on the other side of the Butch/Femme spectrum. As McKenzie explains, “there are Butch people who are attracted to Butch people. Butch Butch, Femme Femme. . .”

Additionally, it seems easy to assume that feeling like a Butch or a Femme on the inside would get expressed by how one looks on the outside; Butches would dress and appear more stereotypically masculine, and Femmes would dress and appear more stereotypically feminine.

Indeed, such was the case with all of the couples that I interviewed. “It‟s really weird to explain,” said McKenzie, “that I feel more comfortable looking like what people think guys look like. It‟s always been that way for me.” Mia reflects similarly, “I still like to wear my dresses, I still like to get gussied up, I still have fun… I‟ve always been the girly girl.” And Jack tells a story about how she came to “create” her look:

Well… it‟s not that I hadn‟t worn that type of clothing. I just wasn‟t… I was also

financially insecure, so I was wearing a lot of T-shirts and the same clothes I was wearing

for years. So, there is also that piece. There is an accessibility and a privilege to it… of 53

just how my attire even would just be… I wasn‟t buying new nice clothing for sure. So,

by becoming more financially secure I‟m able to kind of explore a little bit more into

what I, like different styles, and I think I have been developing, developed one…

To this, Mara adds, “Well and some of the nice masculine accessories that act as strong identifiers, you know. Like your fancy man watch and fancy man shoes and what not.” And she herself, of course, loves to sport a sexy tight skirt and some high heels. It seems that, for these couples and perhaps for many others, expressing one‟s self as Butch or Femme is, at least in part, done in how they look.

Yet a common theme expressed by the couples in this study was essentially that “This is what works for me and for us; it is not what works for everybody!” Johna explained,

I have friends that are, that will call themselves a Femme, and still be able, to want to do

yard work… So again, it‟s on the person. It‟s getting to know the person, kind of what

they like. You know, you know kind of like Mary. She‟s a Femme but you look at her

and you think she‟s a Butch, just by her looks.

And in reflecting on a Femme conference she and Jordan had attended, Vanessa pointed out that

…there were Femmes, and there were really high Femmes. They‟ve got lipstick on all

day; they‟ve got their high heels on all day, and it‟s just major dress up all day. But then

there were the ones with a beard and under arm hair and red lipstick, and it was very

confusing.

In response, Jordan reflects, “Yeah, there are Femmes out there running around with beards.

There are Butches out there that wear kilts and shit, I mean it‟s whatever. Do whatever you wanna do.” Again, identifying as Butch or Femme is something that happens on the inside, 54 because it fits who one perceives one‟s authentic sense of self. How it shows up to the world is up to each individual person.

A note on the transgender identity: It may be important to add, on behalf of Butches, that when a Butch woman expresses her Butch identity by looking stereotypically masculine, and/or by taking on the “male” role in her relationship, she is still a woman. Jordan comments,

I think with Butches, it tends to get lumped in with trans men and stuff like that though

too. That‟s a really easy jump. Cuz trans men really see themselves as guys. Straight up.

They may or may not go through the whole process of transitioning, but they identify as a

guy. And a lot of times they get lumped in with Butches and it‟s not the same. Butches

tend to be female identifying people. Trans men identify as a male.

The Butch Experience

Always out. Several of the Butch-identified women in this study spoke to the experience of always being “out.” That is, when these women interact with others in the world, their sexual orientation as a lesbian is almost always assumed. Jordan explains:

But for me, out of politeness most people don‟t assume, but they do assume. Cuz like,

I‟m a hundred-footer. From a hundred feet away you can tell that I‟m either a dude or a

lesbian so it‟s like, whatever. So I don‟t really have a choice in the matter which is nice,

but sometimes it‟s not nice, you know... In that regard…you don‟t have to worry about

people judging you after the fact because they‟ll either talk to you or not talk to you

based on how you look.

Being identified as a lesbian in today‟s culture has the benefit of being visible to the larger world, challenging people to interact with you even if they‟re uncomfortable. At the same time, as one can imagine, it carries the risk of encountering homophobia. 55

Safety. All of the Butches in this study spoke to an experience of not always feeling safe within the larger community. Jordan reflects, “I can get myself into unsafe situations just because of how I look. I don‟t have to, it‟s just out there.” And Jack stated, “Prior to living in

Minneapolis… so that would have been before I even identified as Butch really at all... navigating the world was somewhat difficult. It wasn‟t terrifying, but it wasn‟t easy… I didn‟t always feel safe.” Mara responds by reflecting that even now, there are occasions when Jack

“wouldn‟t be willing to hold my hand and walk through that group… I think the fear is being the victim of a hate crime.” Jack responds further by noting:

Although my fear isn‟t based in actual confrontation, I think that the holding hands and

things like that, that you‟re talking about why I‟m afraid and you‟re not, possibly, is

because if someone is going to beat the shit out of someone, it‟s going to be out of me,

not you.

It seems reasonable for Butches to carry some fear for their safety; hate crimes happen.

To an extent, LGBTQ people face the risk of being confronted with hate, discrimination, and oppression wherever they go. But geographical location also seems to play an important role in these women‟s sense of safety. Johna, for example, speaks about her time living in Arkansas:

When I was back in Arkansas, you know I had to hide. Couldn‟t be, you had to be very

careful. I feel very safe here in Wisconsin. Very safe. And I could be who I am, and not

be afraid. Whereas in Arkansas, I wasn‟t, I was always thought that I was being

threatened. And was threatened!

Lindsay also expressed fear for McKenzie who works in Missouri. “I‟m afraid for her sometimes down there,” she says with concern in her voice. “Working in a small community in the South, it‟s kind of dangerous for LGBT people. Potentially, it‟s always there, not that it would happen.” 56

McKenzie responds by saying, “It doesn‟t feel like I‟m going to be beat up by my co-workers if I came out; I have come out to some of them, but it‟s intimidating.”

Many of the Butches in this study also talked about the kinds of choices, or sacrifices, they make in order to decrease their chances of encountering unsafe situations. For Jordan, this comes up in how she visually presents herself to the world.

Well I think the other things that‟s really tough about it society wise is, my exterior

doesn‟t match my interior. Meaning, because of the job I hold, I can‟t be as, I don‟t feel

like I can be as out there as I probably feel on the inside. For instance this (grabs hair) I

hate. If I had it my way, I‟d shave my head off, like shave all my hair off. But I can‟t

because my line of work. And I can‟t because I would be, it would be even harder for me

to walk into a bathroom with a women‟s sign on it than it already is. I feel like I cannot

express myself on the outside as much as I would like to because society and being safe.

Similarly, Jack revealed that, depending on where she is going, she sometimes chooses to wear tighter shirts “in order to kind of prove myself”. It seems reasonable to think that choosing not to hold Mara‟s hand at times is another choice in safety. In speaking about not being able to be openly “out” at her job, McKenzie reflects simply, “It‟s what I want to do, and sometimes to change things, you have to work within a system that is not always that open to it and it‟s harder.” Because Butches often fit a stereotype for “lesbian,” and because homophobia is still largely present in our society, it only makes sense that these women have become conscious of their surroundings and take steps to “get through life without too much grief,” as Jordan put it.

Using a public bathroom. One of the clearest themes that emerged in the Butches‟ stories of their experience within the “larger world” was the challenge of using public bathrooms. In fact, all of the Butches in this study told the same experience about being in a 57 women‟s bathroom and watching someone enter, leave to look at the sign on the door, and then suspiciously re-enter. Johna and Mia tell such a story elaborately:

Johna: I‟m drying my pants cuz they were wet, and this woman opens the door, and she

stops! And she looks up at the sign as she was closing it. You could see her looking at the

sign, and she just looks at both of us. We‟re laughing because we just had this

conversation. She goin‟, “There‟s a guy in the bathroom!”

Mia: She walks out of the bathroom, looks at the door, and I‟m gone. Like, I‟ve lost it.

I‟ve totally lost it. And Johna‟s still drying her pants. You had pajama pants on because

you ran out of jeans! And you were drying your jeans, drying your pajama pants and I‟m

laughing, and the lady walks back in and, what‟d you say to her?

Johna: Howdy mam!

To Johna and Mia, this was a funny experience. Sometimes such experiences are. Sometimes

Johna uses her masculine appearance to scope out guys‟ bathrooms so that Mia and other women can avoid long lines.

Still, it isn‟t always funny or pleasant to get a reaction when trying to use the women‟s bathroom. Johna reports once having an older woman try to hold the door closed so that she couldn‟t enter. Jack reflects on her earlier years as a new lesbian:

Going to the bathroom in public was difficult. I mean… particularly. Yeah. It could have

been anywhere at that point, and I was presenting more feminine than I do now… but I

distinctly remember going to Las Vegas with my family.... I think I went when I was 21

and maybe 23 or something like that. And going to the bathroom was really just kind of a

task because the women in these bathrooms would like give me the dirtiest looks and 58

kind of look me up and down to try to figure it out… at points in my life I‟ve avoided

using public restrooms if I could, at whatever cost.

She later adds, “But things like that really… build up, and there‟s a shame that comes along with it.” The shame and discomfort of bathroom confrontations are not even the worst that can happen. “I‟ve seen people get arrested,” Jordan informs me. “There‟s one woman in New York got arrested for walking into a female bathroom because people thought that she was a guy, and just because she had a bald head, and she dressed like a Butch.” It seems entirely understandable that there would be, as Jordan puts it, “a lot of anxiety [for Butches] with the whole bathroom situation.”

The Butch Spectrum. A more subtle theme in the stories of the Butch women was the process of deciding, or perhaps simply naming, where they fit on the “Butch spectrum.” This spectrum was mentioned specifically by three of the four Butches as a continuum from “soft

Butch” to “stone Butch,” where “stone” describes Butches who like to sexually touch their partners but will not allow their partners to reciprocate. Johna, for example, spoke about where she fits on this spectrum:

…in the Butch community, you have your… you have soft Butches and you have hard

Butches and there‟s another one: stone. And I‟m going ok, I‟m not a stone… ok so I‟m in

the middle and I‟ve got friends that are very soft… they don‟t know much about

mechanics or anything like that, and they call themselves soft because they don‟t know

how to change oil on a vehicle or they don‟t know how to operate certain things, so they

call themselves a soft, because they‟re not very strong! …I‟m not there. I‟m in the

middle. 59

Jordan also spoke about a process of figuring out “the difference between „Stud‟ and being a

„Butch,‟ because,” she explained, “black people are called „Stud‟.” It seems after coming to identify one‟s self as a Butch, there may also be a process of identifying what kind of Butch one is, or where they fit on the “Butch spectrum”.

The Femme experience

Assumed to be straight. Probably the strongest and most common experience spoken about by the Femmes in this study was that the world around them assumes they are straight.

Mara reflected,

Like, I walk down the street by myself… I will be read as straight. Possibly…to

probably… to a lot of the population. Hopefully with my cool new Mohawk super queer

“do”, people will question a little more, but I don‟t know.

On their own, Femmes tend to come across as part of the “norm.” Mia expressed thinking that, because she looks so feminine, people tend to assume that Johna is a man, and therefore they have an easier time “passing” in society without much attention. Comparing it to her rather opposite experience, Jordan notes about Vanessa that “She can keep it a secret based on how she thinks people will react, but I can‟t.” At the same time, Jordan acknowledged, “It‟s nice not to have to come out multiple times every day like she does.”

In truth, being assumed to be straight isn‟t always a good thing. As mentioned in the case studies, Lindsay had to come out twice to her family and expects that they didn‟t believe her the first time because of her femininity. “I come out to certain people” Lindsay explains, “they‟re like, „You‟re not a lesbian.‟ They have these stereotypes in their minds of what a lesbian should look like, or what a lesbian should be, and I think that‟s part of the reason why I get that reaction.” She goes on to say: 60

I get that all the time, and so I have to keep telling people. Whereas sometimes with

McKenzie they don‟t even ask, I have to keep coming out every single time; if I got to a

doctor or a therapist or a psychiatrist or whatever. Every single time, and sometimes I‟ve

had a doctor say what‟s LGBT? What does that mean? And I‟m just like I don‟t feel

comfortable now.

Vanessa explains:

I choose who I do that [come out] to because… for instance at work, everybody at work

knows, but my patients don‟t all know. They look at my ring and start talking, and often

they‟ll assume that I‟m with a guy, and sometimes I let them think that, and sometimes if

I‟m more, if I‟m comfortable with that person, I‟ll say what my family life is like. But it‟s

kinda awful sometimes to have to pretend that I‟m with a guy or… it gets a little difficult

sometimes.

When a Femme is assumed to be straight, she has to choose whether or not to come out, and then, based on that choice, may have to confront an uncomfortable reaction or deal with the discomfort of allowing people to believe something about her that isn‟t true.

Of course, the assumption about what a lesbian “is” or “looks like” is not just an occurrence of those outside the LGBTQ community. It‟s a stereotype that even gay people struggle with, perhaps particularly Femmes. Mia expressed struggling within herself, through many years of her life, because she didn‟t fit her perception of what a “lesbian” was.

If people think of lesbian, they often think of a Butch. I‟m not. So, whereas I lived years

trying to figure… I would think… that I could fit the role so easily of the wife, and I lived

in the heterosexual world, but it was never what, it was never right for me. And I don‟t 61

know that I would have identified [earlier in life] with the lesbian community with who I

am.

For a while, Mia was invisible as gay even to herself!

Out when out with partner. All of the Femmes in this study spoke to the experience of being “out” about their sexual orientation when they are out in public with their partner. Mia, for example, recalled a time when she and Johna were at a concert and the people behind them

“suddenly” realized that she and Johan were lesbians. Vanessa stated, “When I‟m with Jordan, it‟s pretty obvious,” and Mara expressed with enthusiasm, “We queer each other so fucking much!”

But whereas Butches may be somewhat used to being identified as a lesbian, Femmes may not be. Lindsay explains, “She‟s used to being stared at; she doesn‟t even notice anymore, but I notice because when I‟m out, no one stares at me”. “Because you look like everyone else,”

McKenzie responds. “Yea I guess I do, and when we are together we get stared at sometimes.”

McKenzie elaborates further in telling me, “I get called „Sir‟ all the time, until I talk; I must sound somewhat feminine and then they‟re like „Mam,‟ and she‟s just taken aback like it‟s this horrible thing.” Lindsay responds by explaining, “I mean I‟ve had those experiences before just because I date Butch women, but I don‟t experience those things on a daily basis myself. It only happens when I‟m with my partner.”

As mentioned in the discussion of Butch experiences, the threat of shame and emotional discomfort or hurt is only part of the risk of being identified as a lesbian. Mara expresses feeling some fear of being raped.

I think it‟s, it can be perceived as much more offensive if I‟m with Jack. And if they‟re

the kind of person who is going to rape somebody I also feel like they are the kind of 62

person who is going to be like “who the hell are you guys to rub it in our faces and”…

you know.. and whatever. “You want to be with a man, I will show you how to be with a

real man!” I mean I don‟t know. It gets, it can get kind of scary sometimes.

There may be some additional risk to being the feminine partner to a more masculine appearing woman.

Butch/Femme relationship dynamics

Gender roles/expectations. Generally speaking, the couples in this study reported aligning themselves with many of the roles and expectations that are typically assigned to gender in heterosexual relationships. The Butches tended to take on the stereotypical male roles, and the

Femmes tended to take on the stereotypical female roles. All of the couples, however, expressed that the reason they take these stereotypical roles in their relationship was because it fit them naturally, not because they were necessarily expected to as a Butch or as a Femme. They further expressed that they are not bound entirely to those stereotypes.

About their relationship, Jack stated:

Oddly, I think we kind of fill the masculine and feminine roles as far as our domesticity

goes, cuz you cook, I do the dishes… I take initiative on painting and… I do take more

initiative on painting and things like that. And I do all of the financial stuff. So I would

say that we, in a lot of ways, just by the type of brain that we have, we very much fit

feminine and masculine roles.

Mara added to this by saying:

Yeah. You know, it feels like it just happens pretty organically. And there are certain

things that we decide to “take point” on, if it‟s something that‟s a little more, that‟s a two

person project, I think this is more just less in the realm of Butch Femme negotiation but 63

just general negotiation of… you know how sometimes it‟s just hard to work on projects-

two people at the same time. Cuz it‟s like, who is going to lead and who‟s going to

follow? So we will negotiate before we start our project who‟s going to take point.

And who takes point, they later add, depends on interest, skill set, and motivation, which just so happen to usually be polarized into what one would stereotypically expect to see in men and women.

Mia and Johna describe their roles as “very distinguished,” so much so that it often confuses their children if they do something outside of that role. Johna plays a husband, father, and leadership role in their family. She takes pride in being a “handy man,” in knowing how to do things and in being strong. And Mia is perfectly happy to be “the one to make sure there‟s a meal on the table.” But similar to the other couples in this study, these roles just come naturally.

Mia stated:

And so we have very distinguished roles but we have very distinguished roles because

they work for us. And they come natural for us, which I can‟t speak-- to know if that

would be different [for others]. I‟ve always been the girly girl, and that‟s just who I am.

Johna added, “It‟s no work. It‟s just putting your pants on and getting up and going to bed. You know, you do it and don‟t realize it.”

McKenzie explains that she is “more like the protector, aggressive, kind of provider type…” She expressed feeling “compelled to… make a decent income to provide for somebody else.” Lindsay mused that when they are able to live together, she will likely be the cleaner while

McKenzie does more of the outdoor stuff. The couple also talks about how it is easier for

Lindsay to talk about emotional things and to open up than for McKenzie. And Lindsay expressed feeling like she has more expectations from the media and society in regards to beauty 64 and body image. Yet again, McKenzie and Lindsay imagine that their life together will have balance and shared responsibility. On fitting the stereotypes strictly, McKenzie reflects that

...we kind of talk about that, because obviously I have some feminine traits too, and we

talk about it. I‟m not going to deny it, and some people do, feel they need to deny that

part of you, I don‟t know because there‟s this really strong desire to fit a definition, you

know? So you start to deny parts of yourself and I just don‟t want to do that anymore, it‟s

ridiculous and insincere and it causes more inner turmoil than is needed.

So while each of them might tend toward one stereotype or the other, they both acknowledge that they do not want it to define who they will be in their relationship.

Finally, Jordan and Vanessa‟s reflection on gender roles and expectations in their relationship resonate similarly to the others. Jordan admits she plays the husband role, and

Vanessa gives her loving attention by scratching her head when she needs it. Jordan is a gentleman to Vanessa; she pulls out her chair and opens the doors. Although some of their domestic roles fit the man/woman stereotype, like Jordan paying all the bills, much of how they divide those responsibilities is determined by who‟s available to help out. Jordan and Vanessa explain,

Jordan: Well it‟s not in necessarily the normal gender roles cuz up until she reduced her

hours, I was doing the cookin‟ and cleaning… and childrearing and bread winning and…

repairs and…

Vanessa: But we… basically do now, I think, all of the same things. Cuz we don‟t have,

there‟s not just one person cooking or one person just doing the… it‟s not because you‟re

Butch and I‟m Femme. It‟s because you‟re not here… I‟m the better cook, of course. 65

The latter comment began a playful banter between the two, but their point was clear. Like the other couples in this study, the Butch plays the part of what might be called the “husband,” the

Femme plays the part of what might be called the “wife,” and the responsibilities of being a couple and a family are divvied up based on what‟s natural and what‟s needed.

The Butch/Femme sexual relationship. When asked whether or not the couple‟s identity as Butch and Femme played out in their sexual relationship, the resounding answer was

“Yes.” One of the primary ways this happens is in the Butch‟s role as the dominant sexual partner. This didn‟t necessarily mean that the Butch partner always initiates sex; in fact, for three of the couples in this study, the Femmes reported initiating sex more often than their Butch partners. Instead, to be the dominant sexual partner seems to be more about taking the lead during sexual encounters and making sure the Femme is sexually well taken care of.

In being dominant and taking the lead, Butches described themselves as fitting into what one might imagine a “man” would stereotypically be like in the bedroom. Jordan describes herself as “…kinda like the dude” and “probably more aggressive” during sex. Johna remarks that, even during a time she was dating someone who looked like a Butch, she has “always been top dog.” McKenzie agrees that she is “more dominant sexually,” which, she adds, Lindsay quite likes. And Jack describes her and Mara‟s sex as “pretty gendered…as far as feminine- masculine, your general kind of sex looks like.” She elaborates by explaining that there is a

…somewhat encompassing power dynamic in our sex. It‟s not always true and it‟s not

like… power dynamic sounds kind of abusive, but that‟s not what I mean… mostly I just

mean pillow queen. The fuckee and the fucker. You know. That‟s a definite power

dynamic. 66

“Power dynamic in a good way,” Mara adds. “I am definitely a little bit of a pillow queen, I will not lie. Which works out nicely.” To be a pillow queen, they explained to me, means “to always have your head on the pillow,” hence the reference to “fuckee and fucker.”

Perhaps part of this “pillow queen” dynamic for Jack and Mara is related to Butches‟ commitment to pleasing their Femmes. At least in the beginning of Johna and Mia‟s relationship,

Mia was always on the “receiving” end of sex. Johna explains:

[In the beginning] …it was all her. Because I knew, cuz we had talked, that she didn‟t

know what orgasm was, and I wanted to show her that it was great! And so I made it all

about her and I kept it that way so she could understand.

By Mia‟s report, she certainly seemed to come to understand. “The first day she said, „Oh it only gets better‟, and I‟m like, „It can‟t get better‟, you know? I couldn‟t imagine that. Now I‟ll say,

„Oh wow, it does get better!‟”.

Although there is now more equality in the giving and receiving of their sexual relationship, Johna still insists on prioritizing Mia‟s satisfaction.

I‟ve always made sure that my partner was not left hanging. My ex-husband would leave

me hanging all the time. So, and that was, that‟s frustrating! …So I always want to make

sure that she is completely satisfied. And if she doesn‟t pass out, we can finish! But if

not, it‟s fine! I don‟t care!

Mia adds what seems to be very important point to this. She responds to Johna with “You get satisfied satisfying me,” and Johna agrees.

Jordan reflects a similar sentiment regarding her sexual relationship with Vanessa:

“…she usually goes first, which may not be a standard male female role because guys are usually selfish and go first.” When I asked her if she thought that was a “Butch thing” she replied, 67

“Yeah. Maybe. Yeah it is. That‟s why straight women leave men because Butches will break that shit off.” This may be a bit of a sweeping generalization, but Jordan may also have a point. In response to Jack‟s history of having sex with straight women, Mara stated “Nothing says Butch to me more than dating straight, straight ladies in my book!” The main point that I gather from these stories is that Butches take pride and pleasure in offering their Femmes something that one might stereotypically assume men don‟t: priority in the bedroom.

This is not to imply that Butches are always the ones “giving” during sex. As Jack mentioned, “It‟s not always true…”; they express their sexual relationship in ways that may not fit the male/female sex stereotype, and Jack is not always the “fucker.” While Jack and Mara describe the balance of reciprocation in their sex life as an 85/15 split of who does the giving and who does the receiving, each of the other couples described the split as 50/50. As Vanessa so simply explained, “I aim to please.” Giving back to their Butches is an important part of these

Femmes‟ sexual relationships.

It is interesting to note, however, that the way Femmes give back to their Butches seems to be through different sexual acts or approaches than Butches enjoy with their Femmes. Mia stated, “When you talk about Butch Femme roles, I don‟t, I can‟t satisfy her the way she satisfies me.” To clarify, I asked, “So when you say „the way‟ are you referring to particular sexual acts?

Like you can‟t do the same things to her that she does to you?” “Right,” she responded. Mara reflected a similar dynamic in more detail:

So I feel like [our identification as a Butch and a Femme] influences the kind of sex we

have in that I really like penetration, so there is lots of dildos. And I like strap-ons, and I

love blow jobs, and a lot of very sex acts that could be deemed as very heterosexual. And 68

I want to be on my knees giving the super intense… very humiliating, very non-feminist

blow job, you know. And… all of that.

Jack did not mention a similar sentiment regarding sexual acts. Jordan explained the difference between her and Vanessa quite simply, “I wear a strap; she does not wear a strap.” By “strap,”

Jordan is referring to a strap-on dildo. She goes on to explain, “Yeah, Butches usually don‟t take it either, but some Butches do. Like the ones who used to live next door… I don‟t; I don‟t get penetrated.” Although such differences may not be the case for all Butch/Femme couples, they seem to make sense in the context of Butches roles as the “husband,” “man,” or “dominant sexual partner” within the relationship.

It seems important to mention that each of the couples in this study reflected pieces of their sexual relationship that were entirely unique to their individual and couple sexual histories and preferences. For example, as mentioned in the case studies, Jack and Mara have an open relationship; they occasionally have sex with other “lady-ladies.” This choice of other partners, they believe, is related to their identities as Butch and Femme, but the choice to be in a non- monogamous relationship reflects each of their personal beliefs about relationships. Johna and

Mia have both come from backgrounds of abuse, and Mia had previously struggled with being overweight. These pieces of their histories, they mentioned, highly affect their sex lives.

McKenzie spoke about the experience of having to keep her identity as a lesbian secret so long that she has become accustomed to being rather subtle in her sexual initiations; to be forward about it in the past carried the risk of rejection, humiliation, and possibly even danger. Mara spoke about these unique experiences eloquently:

I‟ll just say “queer people” when talking about queers and lesbians. I think about how

much we have to go through mentally to even get to where we are. And to get to coming 69

out, and to get to having a healthy sexual relationship. You really have to put a lot of

thought and a lot of work into what you want, and how does that look, and what feels ok,

because at some point in your life you probably heard that this type of sex isn‟t ok.

Whether it be mimicking heterosexual sex, or gay sex as a whole…

While there may be some commonalities between the Butch/Femme sexual relationship dynamic, or any of their relationship dynamics for that matter, Butches and Femmes create their relationship based on who they are, what their story has been, and what works in their current relationship.

70

Chapter VI: Summary and Discussion

In conducting this research, I wanted to understand what it meant to identify as a Butch, as a Femme, and as Butch/Femme couple. I wanted to learn more about how one comes to identify as such, what it means to carry that identity, and how those identities show up or affect the relationship that Butches and Femmes have with one another. When I began this process, I assumed that belonging to this “category of difference” would be extremely important to one‟s identity and experience. What I learned is that yes, in many ways, it is, and, in many ways, it is not.

Perhaps the most prominent way that being Butch or Femme is important to one‟s identity is that it is a reflection of how one naturally and authentically feels. To be Butch or

Femme is to be one‟s self. These individuals do not fit the label, the label fits these individuals.

All of the participants in this study spoke to this experience. The “process” of their identification was more a process of learning about the labels Butch and Femme, recognizing that this label fit who they were, and then, for some, working through external and internal pressures about authentically expressing one‟s self.

Where identifying as Butch and Femme seems to be less important is in how one expresses it outwardly, through appearance, behaviors, or relationship dynamics. It became clear from the couples in this study that how they expressed their Butch or Femme identities was only a reflection of what worked for them individually. Each couple advocated for the awareness that other Butches and Femmes may very likely express that identity in very different ways. Simply knowing that someone identifies as Butch or Femme actually tells you very little about her sexuality, sexual practices, or personal sense of gender (Jalas, 2005).To identify as Butch or

Femme does not box one‟s self into a category of how one should look, who one should date, or 71 how one should act within their relationship. Such pieces of self are not determined by one‟s identity as Butch or Femme; they are determined by each individual‟s unique preference and experience.

Still, there seemed to be some commonalities in the ways that Butches and Femmes tend to express their identities. Butches tend to wear their outward appearances in a more masculine fashion. For example, the Butches in this study tended to have shorter hair-cuts, didn‟t wear makeup, and wore what appeared to be men‟s clothes and accessories. As a result, Butches tend to share the common experience of being labeled and responded to as homosexual, which carries a high risk of encountering homophobia, discrimination, and hate crimes. Indeed, a study very similar to this one, (discussed in more detail later), also found that Butches were regularly mistaken for males in public places (Levitt and Heistand, 2004). Jalas (2005) confirms the experiences of Butches in this study, asserting that defying normative gender and sexual categories puts one at risk for facing violence and verbal abuse. She adds, however, that one may also face a different kind of pain- through charges of inauthenticity. These accusations may come from both outside of the LGBTQ community (being charged as a failure of femininity or womanhood) and even from within the LGBTQ community (as a failure of masculinity; not being Butch enough). Although none of the Butches in this study expressed such experiences, it is certainly possible that they have had them.

As a result of these risks, Butches often feel unsafe within the larger world community.

This shows up quite frequently and poignantly, as expressed by all of the Butches in this study, when they try to use public women‟s bathrooms. In a study about non-normative gendered women‟s experiences with public bathrooms, Browne (2004) introduced the term “genderism” to describe the “hostile readings of gender ambiguous bodies” (p. 332). Browne argues that when 72 society separates toilet spaces into men‟s and women‟s it assumes a dichotomous gender system.

For women who do not fit society‟s assumptions about what women look like, they are automatically assumed to fall into the other end of this dichotomy; they must be men, therefore, they are violating a very private and protective space set aside for women only. Unfortunately, as

Browne points out, sites that separate gender dichotomously are often “heavily policed” in society, which tends to result in hostile, discriminatory responses. It comes as no surprise that all of the Butches in this study tell stories of their own, as Browne describes them, “bathroom problems.”

In addition to individual similarities between Butches, there also seem to be commonalities in the expression of being Butch within a relationship, at least when that relationship is with a Femme. Butches tend to take our culture‟s stereotype of what it means to be the man or the husband in a relationship. They tend toward being the protector, provider, fixer, and Prince to their Princess. In the bedroom, Butches tend to be the dominant sexual partner. They engage in sex much like one might imagine a man would, and they tend to cater to or prioritize the sexual satisfaction of their partner. Perhaps the latter is part of why the Femmes tend to initiate more; their Butches make sure they are well taken care of in the bedroom! Jalas

(2005) writes, "Rather like in, for example, male „masculinity‟, there is both a being and a doing involved in Butchness: an active inhabiting of an identity position where one‟s membership needs to be defended” (p. 55). One may feel like a Butch on the inside, but in some way or another, whether it be through appearance or relationship dynamics, “Butch” needs to be expressed on the outside.

Femmes, like Butches, also seem to share a common experience in their outward expression of their Femme identity. The Femmes in this study presented themselves as more 73 feminine in appearance. Most had long hair and talked about enjoying wearing dresses, putting on makeup, and getting “dolled up.” As a result, Femmes seem to share a common experience of

“passing” as straight to most people in the larger world community. On their own, they don‟t encounter much homophobia or discrimination, they may get hit on by men, and they seem to worry about their safety less than Butches. As a result of appearing heterosexual, however,

Femmes must frequently face the decision about whether or not to come out to someone. There is an intuitive difference between interacting with the world when the world assumes one is gay and interacting with the world when the world assumed you were straight, and just found out you aren‟t. The other side of this coin, perhaps especially for Femmes who are in relationship with

Butches, is that when they are out in the world with their partners, they suddenly face what

Butches so commonly experience- the social reaction to being a lesbian.

In their relationships with Butches, Femmes also seem to share common expressions of their Femme identity. They tend to take on what, in our culture, might be considered the role of the woman in a heterosexual relationship. They tend to play the role of “wife,” home-maker, and nurturer to their handsome Butches. In their sexual relationship, all of the couples in this study reported that the Femmes quite enjoyed that their Butches take the dominant role. Femmes tend to engage in sex much like one might assume women in heterosexual relationships would and tended reciprocate to their partners in different ways than they received their own sexual attention. The latter, of course, is a reflection of common experience for Butches too.

Regarding sexuality, Heistand and Levitt (2005) conducted a study to examine the way that gender expression intersects with sexuality in Butch and Femme couple relationships.

Several of their findings reflect and heighten understanding of the common experiences expressed by the couples in this study. Like the Butches in this study, Heistand and Levitt found 74 that the Butch women in their study reflected a tendency to be oriented toward pleasing their partners. They also found that Butches tended to find some sexual activities to be potentially threatening to their gender identities. Similarly, the authors found that Femmes rarely used strap- ons, and when they did it was as more of a “tool” than an expression of their gender, as it tended to be for Butches. Additionally, only Femmes wore lingerie. These findings highlight the importance of gender identity in Butch/Femme sexual relationships and may help explain the why Butches and Femmes tend to engage in different sexual activities.

Research suggests that there is a particular sexual pull in this somewhat heterosexed dichotomy in sexual relationship (Heistand and Levitt, 2005; Jalas, 2005). Butches may find

Femmes particularly attractive because their appearance reflects what heterosexual men might find attractive, but their desire is for women. Femmes may find Butches particularly attractive because they find the masculinity they are "supposed" to be attracted to in a place they are not

"supposed" to find it- women (Jalas, 2005). In both cases, there is a sense of defiance which adds to the sexual charge of Butch/Femme relationships. There is also a sense of respect for one another‟s differences. “As Butch women so rarely had their gender acknowledged or understood in mainstream culture, and Femme women so rarely had their sexual orientation acknowledged, flirting by stressing difference became a form of validation for both women” (Heistand and

Levitt, 2005, p. 45). By accentuating one another‟s gender differences through flirtation, Butches and Femmes affirm each other‟s gender identities, which in turn helps to increase one‟s confidence in her gender identity.

This confidence, Heistand and Levitt (2005) found, seems to be the underlying factor behind the sexy Butch and Femme “energies.” 75

Butch-Femme attraction appeared to be based upon a value system in which both partners

were dedicated to respecting their own and one another‟s gender and sexuality, in the

face of systems that negated their experiences… Within a lesbian sphere, gender

difference was a way of recognizing, heightening, and validating essential,

developmental, and cultural differences in experience, ultimately leading to a charged

romantic sexuality. (pp. 50-51)

Butches and Femmes are aware of the other‟s experiences in the world; by respecting, affirming, and flirting with one another‟s often misunderstood gender identities, Butches and Femmes create a safe space for one another to be both confident and vulnerable in their sexualities.

It might be easy to conclude that Butch and Femme expressions of gender identity both personally and in relationship are simply attempts to replicate the male/female, man/woman, heterosexual dichotomy. Reflecting on her own review of Butch/Femme literature, Jalas (2005) responds to this by concluding that despite looking in some ways like "copies" of heterosexual relationships, the Butch/Femme dynamic is specific to the lesbian community. In a sense,

Butches and Femmes simply make use of the heterosexual normative and reconfigure it in a way that works for them. Jalas points out that the same could be said for heterosexual couples.

Heterosexual ideas about roles and gender complementarity do not determine Butch/Femme identities or relationships.

A study by Kentlyn (2007) to determine whether or not same-sex couples reproduce hetero-normative roles regarding domestic labor lends support to Jalas‟ conclusion. In Kentlyn‟s study, 12 couples were interviewed in depth about their division of domestic labor. None of those couples, even the one lesbian couple who presented as Butch and Femme, displayed a division of domestic labor reflective of hetero-normative roles or expectations. A study by 76

Levitt, Gerrish, and Heistand (2003) also found that household tasks were decided upon in accordance with personal preference, not by gender.

Kentlyn (2007), in fact, was able to identify six styles of domestic labor sharing, and nine factors affecting how these tasks are negotiating. The styles included responsibility/help, ownership, alteration, fluid shifts, together, and outsourcing. The nine factors affecting how domestic tasks are negotiated include preference, aversion, time at home, time at home during the day, health, skills, standards, and zone (of the house). No one couple used a single style or was affected by a single factor. Interestingly, many of the six styles and nine factors that Kentlyn identified could also be intuitively identified in the domestic task sharing stories of this study‟s participants. The important point is that although Butch/Femme domestic task sharing in the current study appears to resemble the heteronormative, the negotiation of those roles and responsibilities was in fact not determined based on what heterosexual men and women are

“supposed” to do.

Despite not relying on the heterosexual stereotypes to determine domestic labor responsibilities, Kentlyn (2007) reflects that the couples in her study did not seem to “perform” the same gender as one another. “Indeed, in the private space of the queer home and in the negotiation and performance of domestic labour, gender is still produced, even if it does not take the form of conventional understandings of masculinity and femininity” (p. 118). Kentlyn goes on to describe a theory about the way in which same sex couples may “turn up” or “turn down” their masculinity and femininity depending on their partners and social situations. Perhaps because masculinity is naturally “turned up” for those who identify themselves as Butches, as is femininity for those who identify themselves as Femmes, these couples simply reflect the more

“conventional” expressions of male/female genders. 77

Again, as much at it seems that Butch and Femme identities affect one‟s experience personally and relationally, it is not the overarching factor within one‟s life. Even within the commonalities between the Butches in this study and the Femmes in this study, there were many differences. For example, one Butch receives sex from her Femme in a way that another Butch never would. Likewise, one Femme expresses her role as “wife” in a more definitive and habitual way, while another one is more flexible. And so on. Each individual and couple experience is shaped only partly by their identity as Butch or Femme, and partly through many of the other identities they claim, and primarily through their own unique life and couple stories.

Two other studies are worth mentioning as they reflect similar intentions in attempting to understand Butch and Femme identities based on participants‟ own descriptions and experiences.

The first study was conducted in 2003 by Levitt, Gerrish, and Heistand. Their study used a grounded theory approach and exploratory interviews with 12 Femmes in order to “develop an understanding of how Femme lesbians within a contemporary Butch-Femme community made sense of this gender category…” (p. 101). The second study was conducted in 2004 by Levitt and

Heistand and was intended as a companion study to the aforementioned research project. This study used the same approach with 12 Butch women to “allow women to voice their construal of self and to communicate that perception in its complexity” (Levitt and Heistand, 2004, p. 607).

The authors‟ central question in both studies was “What does it mean to you to be

Femme/Butch?”.

Several of the findings from the Levitt, Gerrish, and Heistand (2003) study of Femme women reflect those of this study. First, Femme and Butch were experienced as a separate continuum from heterosexual-homosexual/lesbian. Participants believed that both Butch/Femme and lesbian identities were central to one‟s self, essential if not innate. Most of the participants in 78 their study expressed a process of learning about ones‟ gender and sexuality that was often confirmed through early unsatisfactory experiences with men. Their journeys often began with childhood experiences of homosexual attraction followed by a coming out that tended to be complicated by the fact that they did not fit the “lesbian stereotype.” Like the participants in my study, participants tended not to learn about the Butch/Femme culture until they had encountered a Butch/Femme community within the lesbian community at which point they “described experiences of relief, excitement, and belonging” (p. 104). Still, many of the women described an experience of being pressured or criticized by the larger lesbian community because their feminine expression wasn‟t lesbian “enough” (p.106).

Relatedly, Levitt, Gerrish, and Heistand (2003) found that Femme gender was often invisible, both to the lesbian and the heterosexual communities. There is a difference between heterosexual and Femme sexuality, but the gender signifiers are hard to interpret for those who are not familiar with the Butch/Femme culture. For example, in outward appearance, the authors found that Femmes tended to identify and appreciate stereotypically feminine qualities such as makeup, feminine clothes, and dressing provocatively. Interestingly, several of the Femmes identified evaluating themselves in order to make sure that their expression of femininity did not reflect an attempt to pass as heterosexual. Femmes also tended to name strength, openness, and honesty as specific “Femme” traits, which are not necessarily reflective of heterosexual femininity.

The Femme identity is a strong, positive, and unique lesbian label that embodies feminine sexuality. It helped women to “describe their experiences, to identify patterns that validated their experiences, and to make sense of themselves within the lesbian community” (Levitt, Gerrish, and Heistand, 2003, p. 103). It also gave them a way to reconcile their feminist and lesbian 79 identities. Femme participants in this study advocated for Femmes to come out as much as possible in order to increase the visibility of their gender identity.

Levitt and Heistand‟s companion study of Butch identities in 2004 also identified aspects of Butch identity and experience similar to those found in my study. First, and perhaps foremost,

Butches voiced their belief that being a lesbian was an innate part of who they were; they voiced even more strongly that being Butch was a reflection of their authentic self. There was no choice to be Butch, it simply is an essential part to being themselves. The authors report that many of the Butch women described feeling uncomfortable with the thought of being feminine. Several participants reflected that being Butch meant having a certain energy or essence, often resembling what is commonly associated with masculinity; it is not the owning or displaying of any certain trait or combination of traits. It is also not wanting to be a man. Although many of the participants presented themselves outwardly in more stereotypically masculine ways and also

“talked of enjoying more typically masculine activities (e.g., car work, plumbing), of having traits associated with men, and of adopting male gender roles… they all were adamant that being a Butch does not mean that one is trying to be a man or wants to be one” (Levitt and Heistand,

2004, p. 610). Butches were quite comfortable in their female sex.

For participants in Levitt and Heistand‟s (2004) study, the experience of coming to identify as Butch seems to parallel many of the experiences expressed by participants in the current study. Butches told stories of being “different” as youth particularly in the way they wanted to express their gender. Most of the Butches came out in their late teens and early twenties but did not adopt the Butch identity until they had learned about it within the lesbian culture, and then they did so with relief. 80

Another result of Levitt and Heistand‟s (2004) study that is interesting to note in relation to the current study is how the Butches stressed not fitting a stereotype. “They experienced expectations from others to be tough, to be a leader, to take care of and protect others, not to cry, not to date other Butches, to be sexually dominant, and to take care of chores designated as men‟s responsibilities” (Levitt and Heistand, 2004, p. 612). Generally speaking, Butches asserted that only some of the stereotypes fit, and only for them; they wanted the researchers to know that how Butch is expressed varies from person to person.

Finally, several findings in regards to relationships may also be important to point out.

Butches talked about balancing their sense of strength with a sense of vulnerability, and having deep respect for Femmes because of this ability to be vulnerable (Levitt and Hiestand, 2004).

Although Butch/Femme dating was the norm, there was an acknowledgement and apparent openness to dating other Butches. Most of the Butch women described a desire to take care of their partner, not because of power or responsibility, but out of great respect. This desire also showed up in their sexual relationship; like in the current study, Butches‟ prioritized pleasing their partner. Also similar to the current study, Butches expressed differing levels of comfort with being touched or engaging in certain sexual activities. Interestingly, Butches expressed preference for having their partner initiate, which likely helps protect Butches from experiencing the possibility of rejection and vulnerability, while also affirming gender differences.

In returning to a definition of Butch and Femme, it makes sense to consider Butch and

Femme as lesbian gender identities that “function culturally to structure expectations of personal identity, social interactions, and romantic play…” (Levitt and Heistand, 2004, p. 605). The important part is that it “structures” expectations; it does not define or determine them. Each 81 person is free to explore and express their own gender identity in whichever way fits for them and for their relationship.

Advice to Therapists

In addition to asking participants about their identities and experiences, I asked them to comment on what they thought might be important for therapists in my field to know or understand about the Butch/Femme identities in order to be more helpful. Again, each couple reflected similar thoughts.

Be knowledgeable. When asked what would be important for a therapist to know in order to work with Butch/Femme couples, the first response was not knowledge about

Butch/Femme couples in particular; it was overall knowledge about and comfort with LGBTQ people and experiences. Johna and Mia stated that it would be preferable to work with a therapist who is part of the community, “because you live it. You know it. It‟s part of you,” but, they explain, being a part of the community isn‟t necessary. Knowing the community is. Lindsay explains:

Just an awareness of our experiences. People do stare at us and we do experience social

stigmas. Certainly to have that knowledge of what we experience. Social exclusions in

some areas, like not getting the same benefits as straight couples...

Lindsay and McKenzie both had stories to tell about encountering therapists who did not have this knowledge or comfort. One of McKenzie‟s experiences was with a psychiatrist.

We get along really well but he didn‟t even know what LGBT meant. He was like “What,

what is that?” And he asked me in the initial conversation probably because of the way I

look and present myself, “Do you feel like you have gender confusion issues?” And I was 82

like “No I don‟t, I understand that you‟re probably getting that from the way I look but

no, I don‟t actually.”

On the bright side, the psychiatrist ended up being fairly receptive to learning more. Still, the experience of working with a professional who is not knowledgeable about LGBTQ experiences or relationships can be highly uncomfortable. The message from these Butch/Femme couples is clear; therapists need to be knowledgeable about the LGBTQ community.

Jack and Mara added another point in this discussion that seems important to mention even though the other couples did not echo it. This couple added that knowledge of and comfort with diverse ways of sexual expression in relationship is also very important. Mara explained:

If I‟m with a therapist that I don‟t feel like they‟re going to be… if they say they‟re ok

with gays, that‟s great, but I want them to be ok with my strap-on story and the fact that

we are in a non-monogamous relationship, and the fact that the aspect of my life, my

involvement in BDSM is a really huge part of my identity, and having that feeling of

acceptance and non-judgment around those other, kind of, other umbrellas outside of the

gay umbrella or gay, lesbian, queer, whatever.

As Mara had explained previously, “queer” people put intentional thought into figuring out what fits for them in their sexuality and, she goes on to say:

I think that along with that comes an openness to different types of sex and different

types of relationships and potentially open relationships. Well, because you have to dig

so much deeper, and the deeper you dig, the more stuff you might find!

It makes sense, then, to expect that a therapist who wants to work with the Butch/Femme community must have both a comfort with and knowledge of, not only the LGBTQ community, but also of diverse forms of sexual expression. 83

Don’t assume! An even stronger message to therapists than “Know about our community” was a resounding, “Don‟t assume anything!” echoed by both partners in all four couples. Jordan stated:

Never assume, because sexuality and gender always is a spectrum. And just because,

myself as a Butch, I like to wear cargo shorts and t-shirts doesn‟t mean every Butch is

gonna behave that way. Just because I‟m a Butch that feels comfortable holding the roles

in my relationship that I hold doesn‟t mean every Butch does, but it‟s important to

understand that. It‟s good to just be educated, but don‟t ever assume. Get to know them

and get to know, you know, how they work and how Butch fits on them and how Femme

fits on them. Don‟t assume. Cuz she, she could very easily know how to change her own

oil or change her tire. You would… assume that she wouldn‟t because she‟s a Femme but

don‟t make assumptions.

Jack also spoke about this spectrum of experience:

Simply, I don‟t think that any of the descriptors or nouns or whatever, we‟re viewing

them as… they‟re not black and white. I don‟t think anything in any community, queer,

lesbian, gay, heterosexual, I don‟t think any of it‟s black and white. I think it‟s all pretty

grey. So I think everything, everything has a spectrum to where you can fall.

What is true for one Butch or Femme or Butch/Femme couple, even what may be true for most

Butches and Femmes, may not be true for all of them.

The couples in this study advocated for a position of curiosity; ask before you assume.

Johna remarked:

I know of one couple, you, if you were to identify them just by looking at them, you

would have the roles wrong… So, always keep an open mind and never assume anything. 84

Without allowing them to tell you their roles. Because if you assume, if you assume

something, you‟re going to be wrong 99% of the time.

To this, Mia added, “I think that‟s true though. Walking into therapy and having the therapist say

“How do you identify?” not, “Oh I see you‟re a Femme Butch couple”. In other words, therapists should find out from couples how they identify themselves, and even after that, learn from that couple in particular what that identity means to them and to their relationship.

Identities are complex. Very much in line with the advocacy for a non-assumptive stance, all of the couples in this study also spoke about the complexity of identities. Butch and

Femme identities, as already discussed, are complex and unique to each person, and they are only one part of that person‟s identity. Jack recommended:

…just understanding that everything, nothing is mutually exclusive. You can be this and

you can be this. You can be eight different things at the same time and just because you

are queer you can also be a fag even if you are a lady. You know, you can be all of these

things and if you as a therapist can accept all of those and just be aware of yourself and

things that you could get hung up on… it‟s easy to get hung up on, “But you just said you

were this.” How, you know, the more of just seeing it as “How are you today?”

Jordan also spoke to this idea of being many things at once when she spoke about the Butch and

Femme conferences she‟s attended. She said to me:

Right now, you‟re just scratching the surface. When you go there, it‟s just like overload

on terminology and identification “And this is how I, this is how I identify...” When

people introduce themselves it‟s like “I‟m a” --whole like long-- “I‟m a blubidy blahbidy

blah blah blah.” Never simple. 85

I think Mara captured beautifully the complexity of identity within the LGBTQ community when she remarked:

I feel like the more specific you get within each kind of segment, so let‟s say you have

the big umbrella of gay that‟s like gay, lesbian, and if you keep getting smaller and

smaller umbrellas underneath that, the amount of work that it takes to figure out enough

about yourself that you can figure out what your teeny weeny tiny umbrella is that, that

really is just all about you, I feel like the more… because you‟ve done all this work to

figure yourself out, what you‟re going to look like could be really different!

It‟s a basic concept for therapists to understand, and yet it seems so critical to reiterate: let your client tell you who she is.

Gender neutral bathrooms. Although none of the couples explicitly recommended that therapists have gender neutral bathrooms at their agencies, it seems to me that this would be an important consideration especially for therapists who work a lot with the LGBTQ community. I imagine that it is not only Butches who experience uncomfortable situations in the bathroom, but also the transgendered community and probably other “queer” people as well. To me, offering a gender-neutral bathroom would be a little thing that could make a big difference of one‟s experience with a therapeutic agency.

Researcher’s reflections. Perhaps one of the most important insights that came out, loud and clear, through this study is that expression of identity, whether it be as Butch and Femme, or gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, questioning or queer-- or simply as man or woman-- is incredibly complex and interconnected to any number of systems and personal experiences.

There is no black and white, nothing definitive about it. 86

I am reminded of the idea that to be a member of “difference,” to belong to a “group” of diversity is only part of one‟s experience in the world. It may or may not be important to any given situation or experience. As therapists, it is our job to be aware of the part that being a member of diversity could potentially be playing for our clients, and it is also our job to allow our clients to teach us about how any given piece of their identity shows up according to them.

To summarize the incredibly important advice from the couples in this study: be knowledgeable, but don‟t assume anything. Be curious about who we are and what Butch/Femme means to us.

Understand that Butch/Femme identities are complex experiences on a spectrum, and are only one of many identities that a person is holding all at once. And, I would add, consider creating a safe bathroom space for those in the community who challenge society‟s ideas of what “men” and “women” should look like.

Revisiting Assumptions

One of my biggest assumptions as I began this research was that there would be something different and important about identifying one‟s self as a Butch or a Femme as opposed to using the terms “Butch” and “Femme” to describe what “kind of lesbian” one is.

When I asked that participants if there was a difference between being a “Butch lesbian” or a

“Femme lesbian” and being a Butch or a Femme, however, the answer from all of the couples was that no, there was not a difference. In fact, several couples expressed being slightly confused about my distinction between the two in my recruiting email which led to a discussion about my initial assumption and where it came from.

As I talked to participants about this non-distinction, I got the impression that my question itself was simply off base. “Lesbian” was a larger umbrella term that fit each of the couples. Butch and Femme were something like smaller umbrella identities that fit who each 87 person believed he or she naturally was. Indeed, Jalas (2005) describes Butch and Femme as

“second order” gender category - “an identity label that organizes some lesbian women‟s powerful experiences of „masculinity‟ [or femininity] and their sense of not belonging to a

„primary‟ gender…” (p. 52). So, with this in mind, Butch and Femme become labels reflective of gender identity, within the larger label of “Lesbian,” to denote sexual orientation identity. It would make sense that to label one‟s self as Butch or Femme assumes a lesbian sexual orientation; thus, to use the two terms together or separately is not particularly important. The flip side of that, I have now come to assume, is that lesbians who may look “Butchy” or

“feminine” in appearance but who do not identify as a Butch or a Femme would likely not use the terms Butch and Femme at all in their descriptions of self.

I had also assumed that roles and expectations within Butch/Femme relationships would be fairly strictly determined by what society tends to assign to gender. What I discovered is that while in some ways society‟s stereotypes give Butches and Femmes a model of how roles and expectations could look in their relationship, they largely negotiate those roles by what fits each individual‟s natural talents and preferences as well as by the needs of the relationship. The cause and effect, so to speak, seems to be the opposite of my assumption. Where I had assumed that the

Butch and Femme identities were based on gender stereotypes and therefore determined ones roles and expectations, it in fact seems to be that these women‟s preferences for roles and expectations in their relationships is part of what makes Butch and Femme a fitting label.

Suggestions For Future research.

Although this research study sheds some much needed light on the personal and relational experiences of those who identify as Butch and Femme, much more research is needed. First and foremost, because this was a rather small fairly homogenous sample from a 88 small geographical area, it would be important to expand research to include larger, more diverse populations throughout our country. It would be even better if research could also include experiences of members from other cultures and countries. In addition to this, several other important questions came up for me throughout this process that may be of interest for future researchers.

The phenomenon of labeling one‟s self within the lesbian community would be interesting to explore. For example, some of the couples expressed confusion in trying to determine whether another member of the LGBTQ community was a Butch or a Femme. It would be interesting to study how many people categorize themselves as such. Do all lesbian couples polarize into a more “masculine” and a more “feminine” partner regardless of the Butch

Femme label? Do members of the lesbian community identify themselves with other labels and what does that mean for them? How does not having a label, or even a reflection of where one might fit within the community affect our LGBTQ youth as they wrestle with their sexual orientation or gender identities?

Exploring more diverse experiences of Butch/Femme identities is another area of research that deserves attention. Jordan mentioned that black people are called “Studs”. What does it mean to be a Stud, how is it different from being a Butch, and are there other differences in identifications between other racial groups? Generational differences between Butch/Femme couples might also be important to explore. McKenzie and Lindsay, the youngest couple in the sample, mentioned that they thought the Butch/Femme labels were slightly out-dated, but Johna and Mia seemed to imply that most of their friends, all of whom are older than they, appear more

“Butch” even when they are Femmes. Perhaps the expression of Butch and Femme has changed over time. How might social pressures or responsiveness be related to these changes? 89

Further research into the diversity of Butch and Femme experiences might look into variations in relationship dynamics. Jalas (2005) points out that the literature has largely ignored the attraction and relationship dynamics between Butch/Butch couples. I would add that research on Femme/Femme couples would also be important. Despite the attempts of feminist and queer theories to break down the heterosexual dichotomy, it seems that research still reflects the bias of dualistically gendered relationships.

It might be interesting to compare the experiences of Butch/Femme individuals and couples to other groups. What are the similarities and differences between Butches and Femmes and other lesbians who do not identify as such? Is there a comparable polarity in the gay male community? If so, how do their experiences compare?

There is certainly a need for more longitudinal research on sexual identity, including the development of Butch/Femme identities and relationships. Diamond (2005), asserted that "long- standing overemphasis on early sexual-minority milestones... has crowded out attention to slower-developing psychological processes which may require a substantially longer time scale for valid observation" (p. 120). The identification as Butch or Femme lesbian after first identifying simply as lesbian might also be seen as an example of post-coming out identity development. It would be interesting to move beyond studying how women come to identify as

Butch and Femme and examine how Butch and Femme identities may or may not change for these women over time.

Finally, it seems critical to me that research be done within the field of Marriage and

Family Therapy education to evaluate whether or not our therapists-in-training are given enough opportunity to develop sufficient awareness of both the common and diverse experiences of members of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Questioning/Queer community. 90

Historically, homosexuality has been left out of both our research and our education. Both need more attention.

91

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Appendix A: Consent Form

What does it mean to be a Butch/Femme Couple? An exploration of the Butch/Femme identities and couple dynamics

Investigators: Research Sponsor: Jeni Wahlig Dr. Terri Karis [email protected] [email protected] 612-305-8046 715-232-2250

Purpose

This research study is intended to explore the process of identification as a Butch or a Femme woman and to explore some of the qualities, experiences, and dynamics within your relationship. The results of this study will help to bring important awareness about Butch/Femme women and their relationships to the field of Couple and Family Therapy.

Procedures

You and your partner will be asked to participate together in an interview in which you will be asked several questions about your individual and couple experiences as a Butch or a Femme. The interview should take between 1 and 1.5 hours and will be taped with a digital audio recorder. My intention is to create an interview conversation in which you feel you can respond to questions openly and honestly.

Your participation is confidential and entirely voluntary. You may choose to withdraw from the study at any time.

Statement of Confidentiality for Participation

Your confidentiality in participating will be kept to the degree permitted by the technology used (e.g., digital audio recordings will be securely stored and destroyed once transcribed). If your interview is conducted through Skype, no guarantees can be made regarding the interception of data sent via the Internet by any third parties.

In the final write-up of research results, as well as in the event of any publication or presentation resulting from this research, no personally identifiable information will be shared. Please note, however, that a brief synopsis of your “story” will be included in my findings in order to honor your rich and unique experience and to allow readers to connect more personally to the findings. I may also use direct quotes from your interview. Although your names will be changed in order to protect confidentiality, there is a risk that others who know you may be able to attribute your story or certain comments to you.

Please remember that you do not have to answer any question or questions about which you are uncomfortable.

Discomforts and Risks

The questions you will be asked are personal and may cause emotional discomfort. For example, you will be asked about your sexual relationship with one another. There is also a risk that you may learn information about your partner of which you were previously unaware, which may or may not create 95 tension or discomfort between the two of you. In the event that any questions asked are disturbing, you may choose not to respond. If you experience discomfort, please inform the investigator or advisor so that they may refer you to an appropriate resource for support.

Benefits

Often, people who have the opportunity to share their stories find the experience to be powerful and affirming. The process of co-creating a “couple story” may also be beneficial for you and your partner. Additionally, the results of this research will provide important information about Butch/Femme identities and relationship dynamics to the field of Couple and Family therapy, which currently has little knowledge about such couples. It is my hope that this information will increase clinician and research awareness about the diversity within the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Queer communities and will spark further exploration of these important couple relationships.

Right to Ask Questions

This study has been reviewed and approved by The University of Wisconsin-Stout's Institutional Review Board (IRB). The IRB has determined that this study meets the ethical obligations required by federal law and University policies. If you have questions or concerns regarding this study please contact the Investigator or Advisor. If you have any questions, concerns, or reports regarding your rights as a research subject, please contact the IRB Administrator.

Investigator: Jeni Wahlig [email protected] 612-305-8046

Advisor: Terri Karis 715-232-2250 [email protected]

IRB Administrator: Sue Foxwell, Director, Research Services 152 Vocational Rehabilitation Bldg. UW Stout Menomonie, WI 54751 715-232-2477 [email protected]

By signing or stating “Yes,” you consent to participating in this research project entitled “What Does it mean to be a Butch/Femme Couple? An exploration of Butch/Femme identities and couple dynamics”

Do you consent to participate in this research project?

Partner #1 ______

Partner #2______96

Appendix B: Interview Questions

Interview Questions

Introductory comments:

Hello! I want to start by thanking you for your willingness to participate in this study. As a member of the LGBTQ community myself, I believe it is so important for the field of Couple and Family therapy to increase its awareness of the diversity of individual and relationship experiences within this community. I hope this research study can help with that, and I thank you for making it possible.

Before we begin, I want to review the consent form with you. (Reviews consent form). Do you have any questions? (Answers potential questions). Do you consent to participate in this research study? (Gain signature or verbal consent for Skype Interviews).

I have a list of questions that I would like to ask you. Some of the content may overlap between the questions, but I am going to ask them anyways. Remember that you may choose not to answer any question that does not feel comfortable. Let‟s begin!

Questions:

How old are each of you?

How long have you been in relationship with one another?

How many years would you say you have been identified as a Butch or a Femme?

What does it mean to you to be a Butch or a Femme and how is it different from being a “Butch or feminine lesbian”?

Can each of you tell me the story of how you came to identify as a Butch or as a Femme?

Can you tell me the story of how you two became a couple?

How would you say that your identification as a Butch or a Femme plays out or influences your relationship?

How do you two negotiate the roles and expectations that, in heterosexual relationships, are typically assigned to gender?

Does your identity as a Butch or a Femme affect your sexual relationship (roles, expectations, dynamics)? If so, how?

Can you speak to your experience individually, and as a couple within the larger community? That is, what is like for you as a Butch or a Femme and as a Butch/Femme couple to “be in the world”.

If you were to go to therapy individually or as a couple, what, if anything, would you like your therapist to know about the Butch/Femme identity or experience?

Closing Comments: 97

Thank you two, so very much for your sharing your time and your story with me. I feel honored to have received it. Remember, if you have any questions about the research, if you have experienced any discomfort, or if you have would like to read the research paper once it has been completed, please contact either me or my advisor. (Give contact information).

Investigators: Research Sponsor: Jeni Wahlig Dr. Terri Karis [email protected] [email protected] 612-305-8046 715-232-2250