volume 15 - issue 2 - tuesday, february 4, 2014 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by leonardbartenstein

About a week or two ago, I went down by mikaelawaters to Goodwill to buy a table for the suite I live Chillin’ high up in the Northeast, Ver- in. I didn’t end up #nding a table, but I did mont is a free spirit among these grand United #nd a glass that says “God bless America,” a States of America. With its geographic isolation Harry Potter themed mystery board game, (almost in Canada, eh?), rugged winter condi- VHS copies of The Blair Witch Project, Con tions, and concerning ratio of cows to people, it Air, and !e Wall, and, most importantly, a is unique not only in a cultural a!nity for both fully-functional PlayStation. dairy and maple products, but also in its people. $is magical 90s gaming device was Vermonters dress how they want, eat as locally the greatest thing that I could have found and sustainably as they want, act how they want, there. I rushed back to the dorm and or- and own as many goddamn cows as they want. dered a controller, a memory card, and In summary: much like the noble honey badger, some games as quickly as possible. I held Vermont just doesn’t give a fuck. my breath while I waited for them to arrive, As the state university of this peculiar area, and #nally, I was able to boot it up. some of the same qualities apply to the students Now, something that the PlayStation of UVM. When stepping on campus, check all was pretty good about was the fact that it your previous notions of what’s cool and what’s was the breeding ground for many of the not cool at the door. Leave behind your trendy survival horror game classics that we’re still items and superior attitude because here, the familiar with today. $e big two, of course, game has changed and the rules are di"erent: are the Resident Evil and Silent Hill fran- this is how to be cool at UVM… and only at chises, which have both spawned multiple UVM: sequels, spino"s, and even live action mov- 1. Carry a reusable spork with you wher- ies. $is was the reason I was so excited ever you go for this PlayStation: an opportunity to play Flash it in the Market and Marche for #ve these classic, terrifying games. cents o" your meal. Whip it out in casual conver- I am most familiar with the Resident sations. Reference that you’re “packin’ the heat” Evil franchise, so I started there #rst. I if said spork is not immediately visible. And bought Resident Evil 3: Nemesis (1999), always reserve and exercise the right to silently because it was the only main-series game (or verbally) judge all those who use disposable that I hadn’t played at least a part of. It fea- utensils. Because, not only are plastic sporks en- tures zombies and mutated creatures, all vironmental, but they both harbor three in one the result of a viral outbreak, more fully capabilities and have a snazzy name, reminis- explained in the #rst two games. It was the cent of the cooked, pink pig. *Extra points if you last of the games to come out for the origi- design and use a carrying case with cradle-to- nal PlayStation, before Capcom moved the cradle principles a la William McDonough. series to GameCube for Resident Evil 0 in 2. ALWAYS sport some form of Patagucci 2002. $is meant that, a&er releasing two Literally always. $e more the better. A previous games in the series on the console, Patagonia vest over a Patagonia jacket? Yes. Pa- Capcom knew what it was doing. $ough tagonia %annel under a Patagonia jacket with a it was not as praised for its story as much Patagonia vest atop? Killin’ it. If you sex for wearing matching out#ts. as the second game, Nemesis featured the don’t feel like dressing quite so %ashy, never acknowledge the secret 4. Talk about your a"nity for best graphics of the #rst three games, and at least be sure to be wearing your “!e Gange” furthered the already strong survival hor- Patagonia moisture-wicking under- that this school is predominantly One is considered exceptionally ror atmosphere of the series. wear. People will know. informed and competent at groovy $e other game I received and im- 3. !e more androgynous an white UV if references to the Marijuanas mediately started playing was Dino Crisis, article of clothing is, the better are made at least #ve times per con- another survival horror game released in You know something is stylish at versation. Two of these references 1999. Many of the models for the characters UVM when it can be found in both the Men’s and Women’s sec- should be made in direct relation to your experiences the previous in this game were taken from the original tion without distinction. While not limited to, these items usually night (or at the current moment), so that people not only know Resident Evil, and most of the mechanics include Bean boots, %annels, and cords. At any given moment, a that you smoke, but that you do so without a care. translated as well. UVM student should be able to high #ve a member of the opposite ... read the rest on page 5 ... read the rest on page 7 candy crush saga canadian hustle instantcheckmate.com n! playo"s? by alexgri#n by lauragreenwood by nickpatyk by mikestorace Dear readers, Another week without hate mail means we’re doing our jobs (well, kind of), "e Plague—I’m done with this shit. Half of campus is hacking their lungs but makes for one hell of a boring “letter to the editor” space. So, if you’ve got up all over the place (myself included) and then reports surface of the AC- opinions about whatever we’ve published, consider this a reminder that writing TUAL bubonic plague resurfacing in Madagascar. What is this, the 1300s? in and making your feelings known is a good thing! Cool. Now, in other news: we’re ramping up our usage of our Twitter and Tumblr, so, you know, tweet at Sideview Mirrors—For the second time this winter, my car is missing part us. Or whatever the Tumblr equivalent of that is. Got an article you’d like to see of one of my sideviews. Why? Because some asshats can’t manage to not hit written? Got an opinion just begging to be developed and want some input? things when driving down the street at night. I don’t want to pull my door Want to draw silly pictures (please draw us silly pictures)? "en get at us! When panel o! again, please cut the shit. we say we want you so bad, it’s more than just a self-referential circlejerk: it’s a clarion call of our deep, smoldering desire for your input. Celebrity Drug Overdoses—Philip Seymour Ho!man is the latest on the Follow us on The Spigot at thewatertower.tumblr.com or call us out on list of actors/performers dying from overdoses. Seems like every couple Twitter @thewatertower. Got an IWYSB or an Ear that you’d like to submit? weeks another “shocking” death occurs. It’s tragic, of course, but at the same Do so on our UVM website: www.uvm.edu/~watertwr/, and while you’re time it’s becoming almost commonplace, and that’s even worse. there, read some of your favorite back-issues! Remember: we are your voice, and we want you. Like a lot. One might say, “so bad” (see what we did there?) J.K. Rowling—So, my favorite author ever has come out and stated that, in retrospect, Ron and Hermione shouldn’t have ended up together and that Love always, they would have needed counseling if they were an actual couple. Everyone "e Eds knows that Harry and Hermione would have been awful as he’s an arrogant jerk and she’s a damn know-it-all. Way to ruin an otherwise perfectly happy Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and ending, Rowling. Keep on destroying my hopes and dreams. #ght the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to [email protected]

with dannissim “Evidence exists ... tying Mr. Christie to having knowledge of the lane the water tower. closures, during the period when the lanes were closed, contrary to uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr what the governor stated publicly in a two-hour press conference [on

______Editorial Sta! January 9].” Editors-in-Chief Cait O’Hara – In a letter from Alan Zegas, the lawyer of former Port Authority employee David Wildstein, he claims that there may be evidence Sarah Perda implicating Governor Chris Christie in the lane-shutdown scandal. Christie has held to his story that he had no prior knowledge of News Editor the event, but if such evidence existed to prove otherwise, the governor can kiss his White House dream goodbye. Dan Nissim Around Town Editor Rebecca Laurion “"e nature of the conduct “We are in the coal business. If you Re!ections Editors at issue and the resultant Stacey Brandt want decent hospitals, schools and po- Phoebe Fooks harm compel this decision.” lice on the beat, we all need to under- Page 8 Editor – Attorney General Eric Holder Jr. announcing that stand that.” Mike Storace the Justice Department will seek the death penalty in – Queensland, Australia premier Campbell Newman in response to Créatif Stu"é Editor the case of Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsar- concerns expressed about an approved plan for dumping millions of tons Katja Ritchie naev. While the death penalty has been abolished in of sediment near the Great Barrier Reef. Environmentalists have warned Tunes Editor Massachusetts, federal law can be used to circumvent of the hazards it could reek on an already unstable ecosystem, but it seems Dylan McCarthy the policy of the state in some circumstances. that some are more concerned about their wallets than their environment. Humor Editor Collin Cappelle Art Editors Ben Berrick “We were a little surprised at the FAA interest in this since we thought Julianna Roen we were operating under the 400-foot limit…[we] !gured a vast fro- Copy Editor Laura Greenwood zen lake was a lot safer place than [what] Amazon was showing on 60 ______Sta! Writers Minutes.” Leonard Bartenstein – Jack Supple, a managing partner at Lakemaid Beer, reacts to the FAA’s decision to ground their beer drops by UAV. "e company Amy Dorfman Wes Dunn was testing the possibility of delivering local shipments to customers who are ice #shing. While they’ve been turned down by the Anna Hill FAA, I think they should look into more tested methods – Balto, anyone? Frances Lasday Colin Walker the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. Mikaela Waters contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a ______Art Sta! Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity Mariel Brown-Fallon [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome and humor, we strive to make Barry Guglielmo Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings you reexamine, investigate, Marilyn Mora [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm question, learn, and maybe Emma Riesner pee your pants along the way. Christopher Schneider Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Williams Family Room Liz Sta!ord [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor We are the reason people can’t Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email wait for Tuesday. We are the Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr water tower. news ticker: Study shows vodka responsible for early deaths of Russian men, early births of Russian children +++ Scientist Bill Nye discovers correlation between hard news and so! penis +++

by dannissim Since its inception, the Internet has been a herald of Internet will no longer be “open.” one over. Services and technology change, I get that, but freely distributed information with no access restrictions. Legally speaking, the Internet is an extremely gray the potential rami%cations of this ruling are frightening. However, as the quantity of data accessed has increased, it area. Upon its creation, it was di#cult to even classify For now, all we can do is wait and hope that the sun will has become more expensive for Internet Service Provid- what sort of service it was. In the United States, telecom- come up tomorrow and the ISPs won’t rob us blind. Hell, ers (ISPs), such as Verizon and Comcast, to o"er service munications are considered a common carrier, which gives we might as well start looking into selling our organs on to its subscribers. In 2010, the Federal Communications the FCC regulatory power. While Internet service was the black-market – everyone’s born with an extra kidney! Commission passed a set of rules protecting net neutral- originally blanketed under common carriage, a 2005 rul- ity, which blocked ISPs from discriminating against tra#c ing by the U.S. Supreme Court determined that broadband of various Internet companies (i.e. Net$ix, Amazon, etc.). services should not be Unfortunately for all of us, the D.C. Circuit Court of Ap- classi%ed as telecom- peals recently vacated these rules in a suit %led by Verizon. munication services. Now, you’re probably wondering what all this techno- &is, in turn, was a mumbo-jumbo means for you. In the immediate future, vital component in de- nothing is set to change; however, in the long-term we constructing net neu- could be looking at an entirely di"erent Internet. Without trality rules because net neu- the FCC t r a l i t y no lon- in place, “looks like the fcc’s no ger had your ISP the same has the longer wearing the pants regu- right to l a t o r y charge a in this relationship.” control company o v e r like Netf- ISPs as it lix more money to access greater bandwidth (faster data does with phone com- speeds). In turn, this would force Net$ix to raise pric- panies. Looks like the es, thus forcing you to pay more for a little bit of Walter FCC’s no longer wear- White’s “blue sky.” &is ruling has dangerous implications, ing the pants in this and has given ISPs a monopolizing position: they have relationship. the power to regulate content in a way akin to extortion. Well shit, now While FCC Chairman Tom Wheeler has been unsettlingly I’m gonna have to sell wishy-washy over this whole issue, we can always count on my soul to the devil Tron to %ght for the users. (a.k.a Big Red, a.k.a. What we may be looking at is called “tiered Internet,” Verizon) just to get where access to greater bandwidth comes at a greater cost, my Net$ix on. While creating “tiers” in the access structure. &is could a) limit I might be getting a smaller Internet companies from gaining a foothold in the little ahead of myself, market and b) limit the type of content consumers are able it seems to me that it is to view based on cost. While this isn’t quite censoring, the now entirely within the ISPs power to totally fuck every-

by alexgri!n

At heart, app developers are human like the rest of us; &is would be merely risible if there wasn’t so much studio behind &e Banner Saga, originally refused to go most start o" with nothing more than a twinkle in their money involved. Candy Crush Saga pulls in about a mil- ahead with a planned sequel until King backed down. eye and a penchant for dirty talk in CSS. However, success lion dollars a day for King, which, as you might imagine, Moreover, King’s behavior is part of a more worry- distorts everyone. If the company behind Candy Crush has had the e"ect of spawning dozens of imitation games ing corporate trend whereby established companies raise Saga is anything to go by, hitting #1 in the App Store is far devised purely to grab a slice of the candy pie – some- the barriers to entry for new %rms by trademarking (and more likely to transform you into the kind of aggressively thing especially simple due to the extremely basic nature thus removing) key words from the lexicon for the indus- insecure boyfriend who runs background checks on your of the game. King obviously has the right to protect the try. On King’s behalf, they argue that they won’t enforce signi%cant other’s yoga classmates than it is to render you branding that has helped make them a success in the no- against “legitimate” uses of the trademarked words, but a benevolent iPhilosopher king. if this is the case, why did Stoic have to call in King, the moniker of the minds responsible for the “when was the last time you got the lawyers? King seem to realize that the Candy wildly innovative and paradigm-shi!ing Candy Crush good times won’t last forever if they don’t $ex Saga, has moved to protect their brand from copycats confused between a slot machine, their muscle, but is their Plan B for the future so by %ling a notice of opposition with just about everyone parlous that they detect any other use of the word in the App Store with either ‘candy’ or ‘saga’ in the title falling candy and a horn- ‘saga’ as a threat to their existence? of their games. &e idea of trademarking a word is es- Ultimately, this is one for the judiciary, but sential when it comes to protecting intellectual property helmeted warlord rapist anyway”? King’s aggressive behavior is another example of and the viability of the %rms who own that property, but how legal frameworks have yet to catch up with King’s net is scooping up everyone from &e Banner Saga the Internet. &ere’s a lot of legal hogwash yet to (indie Viking pillaging) and Candy Casino Slots - Jew- toriously %ckle world of online gaming, especially since be sailed through here, but all things considered, if you els Craze Connect: Big Blast Mania Land (I don’t even their level of innovation is so thin, meaning increased fu- were working on developing a game based on Iggy Pop know). &ese are not exactly games that are muscling in ture revenue relies heavily on the strength of their brand. and Kate Pierson singing in “a rainy a!ernoon/in 1990,” on Candy Crush’s turf. When was the last time you got However, their approach is, at best, chewing out much you may now have to think again. confused between a slot machine, falling candy and a smaller companies as collateral damage, and, at worst, horn-helmeted warlord rapist anyway? limiting gaming innovation- a!er all, Stoic, the indie by lauragreenwood Begin by randomly arriving to the topic of gambling. big security guys are staring at you. Wonder if it is because the mistake of gambling. $e digitized blackjack table and Some say it’s an addiction, but to you it is a fantasy. Your A. you look mighty !ne B. your friend has on neon shoes the use of foreign dollar coins makes the whole game feel experience with gambling is limited to seeing how many two times too bright or C. you look suspicious. Choose somewhat fake, like the money isn’t actually a thing, like bites you can take of your roommates’ food in the fridge option C and congratulate yourself for somewhat blend- you’re just playing an online free-trial. Leave as a happy before they notice and the movie 21. Now, 21 was a badass ing. For a Sunday night, it becomes quickly apparent that winner of !ve Canadian dollars, whatever that means. movie and Jim Sturgess made it seem like any (above) av- you are the youngest, most doe-eyed looking person here. Your experience at Le Casino was short-lived, but the erage (super-intelligent) student could walk in on a secret $ose at the roulette tables look absolutely crushed. Note memories of your initial out of place awkwardness, child- blackjack league of champions, make thousands, and sur- the guy who bet it all lost it all. $ose at the high-bid poker ish glee at winning a hand, and overall re%ection on the vive a beating from Morpheus. I don’t see the same success tables are stone-faced and withdrawn behind hats and sun- bizarre nature of this addiction leaves a lasting impression. for myself. glasses. Note there are no windows. $e slot machine peo- Agree to return to Le Casino again in the future, but for Buck up and decide the trip is a go. Le Casino could ple look like zombies. Note there are few exits, in the event now rewatch 21 and regret never saying “Winner winner close at any moment of a real apocalypse. chicken dinner”. Next time. and you just received a Upon !nally !nd- pay check so the only “drive to montreal. review favorite ing a low-bid blackjack logical twenty-year-old table and a"er circling decision to make is to scenes from 21. revel in the roll- it for ten minutes de- go spend that money ciding if you are ready, immediately. Strategize sit down. As a newb, by !rst learning how ing stones cover at the end of that know your best move one “black jacks” and was to just ask for help. why those non-potato movie. set some goals.” Everyone else there was plastic bits are being speaking French any- called chips. Play a fake ways and you are not game with your quarters. Lose all your quarters. Do NOT ashamed to play the dumb American. Your closest friend take this as a sign, because dammit the commitment has is the dealer, however in the actual game they are your ene- been made. my. Yet, the dealer o#ers fascinating introspective scrutiny Drive to Montreal. Review favorite scenes from 21. of the 24/7 gamble-land you’ve entered. He’s disturbed by Revel in the awesome Rolling Stones cover at the end of angry customers who blame their bad luck on his ability that movie (the orchestra sampling? Brilliant!). Set some to roll a die and also enamored with seeing people having goals. For you, wish for a modest $4000, believe that just fun. Even he declares the best customers are the ones who $50 would be nice to pay for bills, realistically accept that talk to the dealers and enjoy themselves. Feel better about you’re willing to lose $60 max. Use the streets of Montreal being confused by splitting and laughing giddily over hit- as a distraction to the weighty Canadian money in your ting 21. pocket (dem coins though) and inwardly question, “What Win a little. And then lose a lot. Remember that you am I doing?” had already accepted to spend money before once again Arrive at Le Casino. Question outloud, “What am I the tables turn. Suddenly, you’re up almost 100% and that doing?!”. A"er dropping o# coat by the door, notice really is your cue to GO. But avail, this is gambling and you make

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Classes begin May 19th Catch Up. Get Ahead. Online. On Campus. uvm.edu/summer UVM COOL-continued from pg 1 One reference should be in regards to your conversation with the Big Daddy’s delivery man and your devouring of ‘"e Aircra& Carrier’ from Wings over Burlington. And, inevitably, the last two shout outs to yo girl Mary Jane will and should be about legalization and how you want to move to Colorado. Scandal is not your average drama about boy 5.Verbalize social justice passions and concerns meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, girls breaks boys Make it clear in every setting and situation that you support diver- heart, girl and boy get back together. "is show has real sity of every kind while adamantly ignoring the racial makeup of the substance. Actual meaning. And at the very least, will school you attend. Never acknowledge the secret that this school is pre- leave you with a HUGE crush on Olivia Pope. While dominantly white. To distract yourself from both this hushed reality and Olivia would choose wine, any drink, alcoholic or not, your white privilege guilt, talk about your future aspirations to travel to a is welcome. I do third world country to build houses for those in need… with other white recommend a bowl of popcorn with whatever you choose. people… while never actually interacting with those in need. 6.Pray to the god of Gnar Take a drink when: Leave all faiths and religions behind, because here, you have a new -Olivia and the President have sex lord – the Gnar. Kneel nightly in reverence and beg for the pow pow. Say -Olivia and Jake Ballard have sex grace in its name before meals. And most importantly, heed the call of -Abby and David have sex pilgrimage to the mountains if Gnar bestows upon us, its humble ser- -Cyrus and James kiss vants, a gi& of fresh inches. Pay no mind to class schedules or exams -Olivia drinks wine - when the snow god beckons, you follow. -"e President drinks For all wayward wannabes and those looking for a%rmation of ones -Olivia and the President talk on their “secret phone” social status, remember that these rules are exclusive to "e University -Melie is being a bitch of Vermont. Pay them no mind when out of state, but please use them wisely when in Catamount territory, for the gi& of social supremacy is Finish your drink: not one to be taken lightly, or used wantonly. With great power comes -Olivia and the President break up great responsibility, and the six social commandants of UVM will bring -Olivia and the President get back together great power. -Huck kills someone (we drink in their honor)

by wesdunn One word. Elves. best opportunities for prolonged study ever encountered. and why you’re interested in them? Allow me to explain: have you ever lived or spent time Not only is there a high population (at least 300 by a con- in a house with creaking pipes, vents, and !oorboards? De- servative estimate), it is also located directly on a research Jørgen: Building elves vary in height, but are usually be- spite what any engineer would tell you, this has nothing university campus. tween six inches and a foot. "ey are quite lanky, and are to do with pressure !ows, joints, hinges, or anything like highly impulsive. "ey’re primarily nocturnal, and actually that. Sometimes referred to as trolls, pixies, or sprites, the appear to have a quite sophisticated language, consisting of common name is the house elf. "ese are not, of course, varying pitched squeaks. Do I really need to explain why the creatures from the Harry Potter series, and contrary to I’m interested in them? what the name suggests, they are not limited to houses. A more apt name might be “building elves.” If it has a !oor, wt: What are you looking to investigate or achieve with walls, and/or a roof, nympharum aedi!cium are liable to this study? inhabit it. Which brings us to the troubling case on our very own J: Well, the study is primarily observational. "ere is so campus. During winter break, when the e#ects of the polar much we still don’t know about them. In the past, it’s been vortex began to shroud Burlington in consistent subzero very di%cult to acquire any sort of prolonged footage. So temperatures, it appears that a pack of these elves migrated we want to get a clearer sense of their life processes and from some house on Buell Street, up past the Fletcher Al- social behavior. len facilities, and across the green, $nally alighting at Bill- ings. It’s unclear why this occurred, but the main hypoth- wt: Have you learned anything interesting so far? esis that might explain it is this: they were occupying some apartment building and had reached carrying capacity J: We’re obviously still quite early in the study, but we have there (nympharum usually feed on stale, starchy foods and indeed noticed an interesting tendency towards hierarchi- lint). A group (referred to in the scienti$c community as a cal social orders. You could say it’s somewhat like a caste “soirée” of elves) broke o# and lit out for greener pastures. system. "e really interesting aspect of it is that there does All of the buildings they encountered were $rmly sealed, seem to be a lot of opportunity for upward mobility. until they reached Billings, which had a window that was slightly ajar. wt: "ere have been concerns about containment of the Nympharum are also known to be particularly attract- study site—how are you and your team handling that? ed to older buildings, which may have been a contributing factor in the soirée’s decision to occupy Billings. Whatever J: We believe we have it under control. [Building elves] are the case, when cleaning services sta# attempted to enter Jørgen Eggebraaten, an associate research professor in incredibly averse to household cleaning products, so we’ve the building prior to the start of the Spring semester, they the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, spoke to us established a perimeter of Lysol around Billings. However, found what at this time is considered to be an unprec- about the research he and his team of 6 graduate students we can’t make any de$nitive promises until we know more edented concentration of building elves. "e open layout (their names are withheld for purposes of con$dentiality) about them, so I would advise students, faculty and sta# to and arching ceilings of Billings are quite ideal, but still the have been conducting since the semester began. remain vigilant. "ere’s incredible occupancy po- structure is o%cially closed, supposedly for the purposes tential here at UVM. of renovation, but in truth Billings has become one of the water tower: Can you tell us a bit about building elves, In a most ironic yet painfully predictable the middle of the woods. I had resisted the tion and proved to be a very easy way to meet the habit. It took four months to go from half the de#brillators at the end. !e most gratify- turn of events, former “Marlboro Man” Eric specter of the cigarette habit that my friends people and make connections. a pack a day to zero, cold turkey. ing thing for me about kicking nicotine, how- Lawson died on January 10 from a smoking- were starting to pick up until that point, but For a couple of years a%er that, smoking !e #rst three weeks a%er my last ciga- ever, is being able to look back and know that related pulmonary disease at the age of 72. one of those nights the allure of smoking a cig was a part of my life. It wasn’t so much that I rette were a living hell. As it turns out, nico- I quit while I was ahead. During the late 70s and early 80s, Lawson di- around a #re with friends and beers at hand couldn’t stop, but that I didn’t want to. I owe tine withdrawal is a bitch and a half! Between instantcheckmate.com vided his time roughly equally between por- proved too much to resist. many, many of the friendships and connec- hacking my lungs out at night, being traying the quintessential rugged American Fast forward six months. My #rst semes- tions I have made in college, philosophical constipated, and the awkward transi- badass and smoking three packs a day. Mr. ter of college had been o$ to a truly magical epiphanies, drunken hookups, term papers, tional phase that is kicking butt breaks Lawson’s demise highlights both the serious start until I went and fucked my head up skate- and successful #nal exams to the Chie%ain out of your social habits, I was miser- long term health hazards of tobacco use and boarding without a helmet and was out for a silhouetted on the American Spirit box. Hell, able for a solid month. It didn’t help the tendency of people to screw themselves few weeks I probably that it was a hundred fucking degrees public just got personal by smoking their own product. !e demise of recovering “the allure of smoking a cig around wouldn’t be in the shade each day either. the Marlboro Man also invites a re"ection on from hav- writing for Six months later, though, I by nickpatyk my own experience with nicotine addiction. ing my skull a !re with friends and beers at the water couldn’t be happier about quitting. I #rst picked up the habit during that c r a c k e d , tower if I First there’s the cash money savings: magical time between high school and col- then sub- hand proved too much to resist” hadn’t been $40 a week x 7 months comes out to When I was on break in Bernardsville, trash that’s completely wrong. the site’s completely full of shit. lege. I spent that summer in the back woods of s equently on the same a little over $1100, which is enough New Jersey, an ad on the side of Google I gave in to temptation, and looked my- Moreover, I think it’s totally fucked East Bumfuck, New Hampshire with entirely sawed open chain smok- to live for 30 days (or do shots o$ a caught my attention. It read “Bernards- self up quickly. My true legal name is Nich- up that a site like this even exists. It preys too much time on my hands. For my friends and bolted back together. !ough I managed ing schedule in front of the Cyber Café as stripper’s navel for 2 or 3 days). !en ville residents furious—New controversial olas Patyk, but apparently, I’ve been using on people’s desire for gossip, and makes it and me, it was something to be savored – the to salvage the semester with a decent GPA by then-editor George Lo%us (shout-out to LA) there’s the time – if a cigarette lasts 7 website exposes Bernardsville’s seem like everyone has all these last vestiges of life without real responsibili- busting my ass during #nals week, that month during #nals week last year! minutes, and there are 20 in a pack, Arrest Records for anyone horrible, deep, dark secrets in ties. We knew it, too, and set out to make the or so was a very dark time. I found myself Something changed about a year ago. I that is roughly two and a half hours. with a computer to view. Read their public records. most of it. !e days consisted of pickup foot- somewhat isolated upon my return. Between sought to better myself as a person generally Eric Lawson literally did divide his more…” Mistakes are mistakes, and ball in the clearing up the road, being in and catching up on the material I had missed, – going to the gym regularly, reading more, time equally between smoking and I was curious, and I the truth is that everyone makes on the water in the Lakes Region, and bar- cramming for #nals, and the searing pain in calling my mom once in a while, and trying other activities. Finally, there are the clicked. them. Anyone sitting on their tering physical labor for 30-racks of PBR. At my skull, I was a zombie and must not have to overcome the part of me that evinced my health bene#ts. It feels good being !e site is called Instant- ass looking for this type of stu$ night, when I wasn’t working at the biker bar been the most amicable company. !is was transgressions. I soon realized that it’s pretty able to smell the fresh air at the sum- checkmate.com, and the slo- should #nd something better to up the road, I was with my friends and their when I really picked up the habit – a cigarette goddamn di&cult to run a couple miles with mit of Camel’s Hump, or to run a mile gan reads, “Find the truth do with their time. !e site also friends and their friends around a bon#re in o$ered a brief respite from my stressful situa- lungs #lled with tar, and so I resolved to kick without frantically looking around for about anyone.” encourages people to be suspi- Sounds like gossip porn cious of one another, as if we to me. should all be on guard against !e site boasts that it will our neighbors, like “Oh, who provide the customer with knows what John’s got in the the speeding tickets, arrest closet…” records, sexual o$enses, mis- !at’s ridiculous. I don’t by leonardbartenstein demeanors, felonies, lawsuits, walk around imagining what relatives, marriage records, crimes people could have com- Russia has said some crazy things in the past, but just recently Anatoly Pakhomov, the mayor of Sochi (yeah, the place where the Olympics are about to happen) recently said of gay people: “It’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where divorce records, birth records, mitted, or worrying about what we live. We do not have them in our city.” Now, unless he went to each house and had sex with every man to make sure he didn’t get excited, I’m not sure how much he’d be able to check his facts on that one. He did say that gay people death records, address infor- my friends’ legal pasts look like. would be welcome in the city for the Olympics, though, as long as they “don’t impose their habits on others.” mation, phone numbers and It just disturbed me that a site So we know the Russians have said things like this throughout their history, this particular statement coming at the end of a long history of foot-in-mouth comments that would put Joe Biden to shame (remember that time he told the #rearms licenses of any person like this is being marketed at all, world that the President “has a big stick”? Because that happened). !is, of course, sent me wondering: what sort of things would we hear from Russia next? I don’t know for sure, but I can infer, and it gets interesting: you are interested in looking even if it is relatively ine$ective up. It will also give you this as a product. person’s “personal informa- It seems as though it en- • “We need to begin work on the Star Wars program. No, not that Reagan-era American program—we need to pirate Episode VII before anyone else. Get on that.” tion,” location data, and a list courages a focus on the negative • “Good thing we kept that Snowden guy—he’s pretty cute.” of related persons, partners in people rather than the posi- • “Remember the Cold War? Wow, that was cool. Sputnik? Wow, we were cool back then. Now, it’s just… cold.” and associates. And it promis- tive. • “I can see Alaska from my house!” es that “no one will ever know Don’t get me wrong—I’m • “Batman & Robin was the best Batman movie because George Clooney is dreamy.” you searched for them.” all for checking into someone’s • “You got us angry, and now we’re seeing red.” O&cially, the site owners past if you are closely involved • No, no, you see, Paul died a%er Lonely Hearts Club Band because he’s not wearing shoes on Abbey Road, and no, wait, hear me out here…” call the page a “public records with them and you think there • “!is Boy Scout popcorn is a ripo$. I put it in the microwave for a minute and a half and STILL there are kernels!” search service.” More like may be something potentially • “Kim Jong Un is really short.” scumbag sleuth express. Ever dangerous going on. I just think • “Let’s get drunk and watch Cars 2.” wanted to crap on someone’s it’s stupid to sit Googling the le- • “Wow, I wouldn’t mind it if Vladimir took his penis and Putin me.” reputation? Well, for $29.95 gal past of people you know. • “Is this water or vodka? Whatever.” a month, now you can. For Maybe you #nd out your • “Wow, that cover up of our failed Mars mission as a meteorite a few years back worked real well. Hope we don’t have to do that again. !at was close!” this fee, the site gives you the friend is a crack dealer. Maybe • “Does anyone even care about communism anymore? Anyone? Scared of the communist domino e$ect? Commies in your back yard? Anyone?” goods on your “person of in- you want some crack. !en, I • “Well, Black Widow was Russian, and she chills with Captain America, so I guess we’re good now, right?” terest.” It makes you feel like a stand corrected. Instantcheck- • “Guys, come see my roommate’s band, they’re playing tonight. I swear, they’re real good.” stalker, or a badass FBI agent mate.com could really be useful • “What’s the deal with airplane food?” or something. In other words, in that situation. But, judging by • “Greedo shot #rst.” it feels so ridiculously fake that the reviews, it just doesn’t work • “I like the remake of Red Dawn even more than I like the remake of Footloose.” it’s laughable. Seriously—the properly at all. • “Yeah, we’re actually just a dictatorship. Communism was just a red herring.” James Bond games I played Also—is this what we call a • “Finally, we have used science to make us, the Russian people, literal Russian nesting dolls. We are unstoppable now.” on PS2 in second grade felt “ever wanted to crap on product nowadays? I guess I’m more realistic. Of the 264 re- crazy, but I feel like products views written on the site, 235 should actually do something of them are one star ratings. someone’s reputation? good for the consumer, not just SURVIVAL GAMES -continued from pg 1 Wow, looks like instantcheck- take his money and leave him mate.com is generating quite well, for $29.95 a month, with a few phone numbers and !e story was simple: you were a tactics team in the newer Resident Evil games, which focus more more survival horror attitude, which is on most the buzz! nothing useful. the far-o$ future of 2009 searching for a scientist on shooting and #ghting than puzzle solving and platforms, Amnesia: the Dark Descent for PC, a According to the reviews, now you can.” So if you want gossip, try ,who was previously thought to be dead, who was survival. !ese games play on suspense by mak- game that is full of puzzles and doesn’t allow you to the way it works is you pay Facebook. If you want informa- working on some sort of weapons project. You ing you think, and making the controls almost use weapons at all throughout the game, and Resi- your #ve dollars for a week- tion on contacts in your life, use #nd your way to their facility and immediately impossible to use. !ough survival horror games dent Evil 4, considered to be one of the most highly long trial, they don’t give you jack until you an alias for some time now. According to a phone book. Go door to door for God’s start getting attacked by dinosaurs. It’s basically for the PlayStation are the video game equivalent rated games of all time and a true classic of the se- pay the full $29.95 monthly, and then, ap- the very useful and reliable instantcheck- sake. But please, don’t waste your time or Jurassic Park, but without the science or good sto- of cheesy 70s horror movies, they still hold their ries, which comes out in HD on PC next month. parently, they won’t actually give you any mate.com, I’ve gone by the name “Nicholas money on something as useless and stupid ryline or the interesting characters or the attempts ability to scare, and their fun. !ey’re a great time, Looking a little farther forward, you can look for info until you pay an extra fee on top of Park” on several occasions. Maybe when I as instantcheckmate.com. at paleobiological accuracy. It features traps and and I look forward to completing these games, and !e Evil Within sometime in 2014, made by Shinji puzzles and limited ammo, and plays basically like I can’t wait to try Silent Hill and Parasite Eve, the Mikami, who created the whole Resident Evil fran- that, and then you either get nothing but was on that sleep medication in Russia I— Check and mate. names and phone numbers, or a bunch of oh, well nevermind that. !e point is that a Resident Evil game, but with dinosaurs instead of next two survivor horror games on my list. chise. !is came is reportedly going to bring the zombies. If you are looking for a slightly more modern survival horror back to its roots, with less action Both of these games are great so far, and they survival horror experience, I would recommend and more terrifying mystery. remind me how great the survival horror genre is. Resident Evil: Revelations, the newest in the series, It is mostly lost these days, and this is evident in that begins to work its way back from action to a by mikestorace

Well here we have it, folks: the 2014 Super Bowl might Twelve teams reach the playo!s, making six teams ing two additional wildcard spots, one in both the AFC be the absolute best matchup on paper we have seen in a from each conference (the AFC and NFC). #e four win- and NFC. #is opens the $eld for a much greater range of really long time. It features the best, highest-scoring de- ners of each division automatically qualify, making two playo! contention teams. It also allows the ought-to-be-in fense of the Seattle Seahawks versus the Denver Broncos wild card spots in each conference. #e only folly in this teams, like the Arizona Cardinals of this season, a chance o!ense headed by Peyton Manning’s high scores. Unfortu- type of automatic quali$cation is the natural variance in to prove their worthiness. On the downside, it also allows nately, due to the printing schedule of the water tower, I divisions. It becomes unfair when a team in a highly com- much less competent teams a chance to play for their post- do not know the winner of football’s most illustrious game petitive division misses the playo!s despite its superior season desires. If 9-7 teams are currently making the play- as I am writing this article. For this reason, I will only com- record to an automatic quali$er. Just look at the 10-6 Ari- o!s, then 8-8 teams would be able to make it under these ment on the keys to this game brie"y. It will be up to Feb- zona Cardinals this season, and the 11-5 Patriots of 2008. new rules. And that’s just fucking stupid. ruary 2nd (Groundhog Day!) to determine whether or not #ere’s not really a way around this variation, unfor- Only teams with a winning record should be able to these statements play out. tunately: one division may dominate one year and be bad make the playo!s. Period. Luckily for us, two powerhouses Much like they did to the New England Patriots, the the next; just look at the NFC least this year compared to are lined up for Sunday, and by the time this paper’s in your Denver Broncos will attempt to mitigate the running game last. Also, let’s talk about the AFC West: they had a whop- hands, we’ll already know who to call the champion. as e!ectively as possible. #ere’s no way they can complete- ping three playo! teams this year (the Kansas City Chiefs, ly shut down Marshawn “Beast Mode” Lynch, but if they Denver Broncos, and San Diego Chargers), while the 2011 can take away his explosive running plays, then they will conference-winning Denver Broncos barely squeaked into be winning the defense game. the playo!s with Tim Tebow at the helm. When teams If the Broncos can put the o!ensive game in the hands scrape their way into the playo!s, it’s most o%en through of Russell Wilson, they will win this game. #e Seahawks’ their $nal games of the season in competitive division ri- passing game is mediocre at best. Wilson’s aerial weapons valries. #ese games are pretty damn exciting: think the are minimal, and I have trouble believing Percy “Concus- Chicago Bears versus the Green Bay Packers, and the Dal- sion” Harvin’s presence will be a deciding factor. las Cowboys versus Philadelphia Eagles’ win-or-go-home Seattle, of course, will put the game in the hands of games this season. its stellar defense. I believe Richard Sherman will match Win-or-go-home–style playo!s are simply the best be- up with Demaryius #omas, which is de$nitely a must- cause they put extreme emphasis on one game, in turn ex- watch. Fortunately for us viewers, the Seahawks are more emplifying the importance of each and every play. Anyone than just Richard Sherman, and the Broncos have an arse- can win just one game, and the excitement of a game that nal of weapons to hurt defenses. If the Seahawks can man- means something in and of itself is unrivaled. Don’t get me age to pressure Peyton Manning, this game will become wrong; I appreciate the best-of-seven–style playo!s. #ey very interesting. Manning does not typically perform well are a true testament to the perseverance of a team, but god- under pressure. damnit, they get so boring. An individual game means al- Predicting the play-by-play of this game is only pos- most nothing in the grand scheme of a playo! series and sible due to the well-oiled titan of a machine that is the a championship. organization of the NFL. So, back up: let’s examine why the Unfortunately, the NFL is thinking about tampering NFL Playo!s are the best system in the sports world. with this near-perfect playo! format, considering add-

Alright, if you’ve moved o! campus then you know time is of the essence when it comes to making meals. Whether you’re in between classes or practices, we’re all faced with the challenge of only tenminutes, a fridge of no le"overs, and a stomach on the verge of eating itself for sustenance. Here are my quick whip-ups that take only about #ve ingredients that are phat and delicious. $e recipes may be simple, but the true art of speedy cooking is practice. Get to know your ingredients, take them to a nice dinner (meta-jokes!), so that you’re well acquainted with the timing of each ingredient. Roasted Veggies Quesadillas #is is pretty much all I eat because I’m a rabbit. You Mexican Stir Fry Invest in a quesadilla maker, no regrets you shall have. can really choose any vegetables you want, but I usu- Cook a giant batch of brown rice at the beginning of You can also make them on the stove in a frying pan, ally go with broccoli, garlic, sweet potatoes, potatoes, every week. When all else fails, you can always use this but it makes for an inferior $nal product. All you need beets, and carrots. Splash your veggies with balsamic baby to your advantage. Mexican-style stir fry would be is tortillas, any cheese (I love throwing in goat cheese for vinegar and olive oil and your own herb preferences, red peppers, onions, pepper "akes (always), and black an extra surprise), and extra goodies. Black beans for say oregano, basil, chives, rosemary, thyme, or sage beans. Because of each respective ingredient’s cook protein. Spinach to make your parents proud. And BBQ (they all work quite nicely). Place the pan in the oven at times, prepare in that order. Lastly, top your delicacy sauce to satisfy your soul. 400 degrees, and cook until your house starts to smell o! with shredded cheese of any kind. I eat a lot of rice delicious. and beans because welcome to life on your own budget! (Also they are delicious). Asian Stir Fry Choose sweet potatoes/eggplant, peppers/green beans, Salad and onion. Toss it in a sauce at the last minute of garlic, Pick your preference for greens. Cut some raw red on- Smoothies Wow...as I read what I wrote, I actually eat a lot healthier ginger, soy sauce, a little brown sugar, and cornstarch ions. Add tofu or chicken that has been marinated in (& Sriracha for a kick). #at sauce also makes a bitchin’ balsamic vinegar, a lil’ paprika, garlic, and honey. Cook than I thought (that being said, back-up Annie’s is al- ways a must). Smoothies are simple and they $ll you up tofu marinade. Which reminds me, get a wok too while that protein up with a hearty veggie like sweet potatoes you’re getting a ‘dilla maker—it’s totally prime for fast or cauli"ower. Assemble, dress it, and eat. without making you feel like you just ate a food torpe- do. Greek yogurt, frozen berries, peanut butter, splash o’ cooking. milk, some honey if you like it sweet. Or almond milk, almond butter, honey, and bananas (pre-peeled & fro- zen or fre$h), if you’re a class-ass bitch. overheard a conversation in b-town? I see you at Brennan’s, you live across the hall was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? I promised myself I wouldn’t, I couldn’t fall In love with the idea of your body and mine, tell the ear and we’ll print it. !e two of us together, baby we’ll be "ne. uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html I can’t stop dreaming of the things we could do Without you in my life, I’m staying so blue. Brennan’s Pub Quiz Your body is slamming, your mind is a tack A curious lad: What month did this even happen? And let me just say, girl, DAMN what a rack. An excited gent: SEPTANUARY! I hope you don’t think I’m being too bold someone on campus catch your eye? But I can’t approach you, or my courage will fold. El Gato, Church Street couldn’t get a name? So the next time we cross, please be so kind submit your love anonymously Guy 1: !e invisible man and the invisible woman had a Incredible actions, you’ll be sure to "nd. child. He wasn’t much to look at. uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html His friend: I think it’s horrible that you would make jokes When: Erry day about a child. Your body is rocking, your eyes Where: HM are divine. I saw: A cute ginger Bailey-Howe What I’m saying is I am: Waiting for you to notice Library Biddy: Better to show up late than ugly! DAMN boy you’re "ne! !e wrong kind of attraction Grundle I’m too afraid to say hi, An idea le# unsaid, Bro: I hat it when you hit that 3-week point in a relation- and that’s just a shame, But damnit, professor, ship where you have to start hanging out with her sober. but heres a hint: we share the same name! I want you in my bed. !at’s when it’s time to move on. Your manner of speaking, Maybe we can li# someday, your easy drawl, Outside the Davis Center or you li# and I stare Each day I don’t see you, Young lady on the phone: Mom! It’s obviously getting in- because honestly, I could simply bawl. fected, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? your arms are unfair. You command each classroom, Not a single thing missed, WDW Your smile is killer, I can’t help but wonder, Gent 1: It’s so nice out today! I wonder what you think of mine. How it would feel if we kissed. Gent 2: I know, dude! I’m only wearing three layers! Maybe I could get to know you sometime. I know it won’t happen, Our love can never be. Bailey Howe We share a few friends, But always in my dreams, Bro: How did you "nd your sources? and also shared dinner It’s your face that I see. Bro’s enterprising friend: I sucked Wikipedia’s dick, that’s and I think you should know how! I think you’re a winner! When: MWF Where: Votey Hall !e Davis Center When: Near future? I saw: !e hottest engineer Girl 1: I don’t really follow politics. I’m not Republican or Where: Brennan’s and the gym I am: Sadly still a student Dominican. I saw: Two Ns Girl 2: I don’t think that’s right, I think it’s Democrat. I am: One N Girl 1: ...you might be right. by dylanmccarthy

Here we are again, friends. Another week, another seven days’ worth of time for the music industry to wow us with its highs and leave us scratching our heads with its lows. Grammy week is always an interesting time for the music world, inside of the awards and out. While the verdict’s in on the o!cial awards, I’ve got some personal awards I’d like to give out.

Worst collaboration for a live performance: Robin "icke and Chicago. Most obscene award robbery: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis beating Kendrick Lamar for Rap Album of the Year. What the fuck was the plan here? Really, I guarantee most people our age are only familiar with Chicago because of the throw-away joke in Little Nicky. Chance the Rapper’s Acid Rap wasn’t able to be nominated because We’ve seen some crazy live collaborations over the years: Eminem and Elton of its o&cial “mixtape” status, but that would be my choice for Rap John; Dave Grohl, Tom Petty, George Harrison’s son, and Prince; but all of Album of the Year. Anyway, the fact that Macklemore took album of those le!-"eld collaborations had an element of attraction. Whiniest jazz the year over ANYONE really shows the decay of standards in main- rock band of the 70’s plus dime-store Justin Timberlake is about as unap- stream hip-hop. Shit, I’d rather have Lil Jon or any of the rappers from pealing as it gets. the early 00’s crunk movement accepting awards than any douchebag who thinks they’re a smart rapper. Kendrick created a deeply per- sonal, honest, and in a lot of ways troubling album, and somehow that gets tossed to the curb for "e Heist?! “#ri! Shop” sure is catchy, but seriously? In the best state of a$airs, Macklemore quali"es as Slug’s Album of the year with the lowest number of tracks known by the public: sidekick, and even he said Kendrick got robbed of the award. Random Access Memories. I was pretty damn psyched when Random Access Memories won Album of the Year. I’ve been a Da! Punk fan for a decade, and couldn’t be happier that they’re back with a vengeance. Admittedly, I wasn’t head over heels for Best reaction to an award announcement: Taylor Swi! and her pro- R.A.M.; I really found myself yearning for some good ol’ “Robot Rock” or ducers during the Album of the Year announcement. “Television Rules the Nation” by the time I made it halfway through the disco-drenched album. However, for an album that’s won the Album of the Taylor Swi!’s piece-o-trash album Red was one of the nominees for Al- Year award, it’s shocking how the general public is only familiar with one bum of the Year, and during the "rst milliseconds of announcing that song: “Get Lucky.” Honestly, “Get Lucky” was over-played before it was even Random Access Memories was the winner, the faces on Tay Swi! and o&cially released, and it is the only song o$ of R.A.M. to receive any kind of crew were amazing. For those confused, R.A.M. and Red were the only attention. In spite of the litany of gorgeous, radio-friendly tracks on R.A.M., Album of the Year candidates that start with the “r” sound. #e pro- such as “Bring Music Back to Life” and “Game of Love (feat. Julian Casablan- ducers had to know Red was Tay’s weakest e$ort yet, so the thought of cas,)” “Get Lucky” is still the only well-known song. Don’t get me wrong, winning it all was certainly exciting. Hell, maybe next year T-Swi!, but R.A.M. was the only real candidate for Album of the Year, but the actual at- probably not... tention paid to the album is tragically low.

by mikestorace On Tuesday January 28, Dr. Dog took and “Cuckoo.” By blending their former McElroy all took up lead guitar songs. #is by Architecture in Helsinki, which is an- the stage at Higher Ground in South Bur- and more recent styles, Dr. Dog was able to variation kept the audience guessing, and other crowd favorite. lington to deliver a blistering, yet diverse masterfully control the tempo of the show. gave the show a great %avor. Dr. Dog is a repeat act for the city of musical performance. #e six-member #ey slowed it down when they needed Scott McMicken, clad in a bright or- Burlington. #ey played last year at Grace troop came on underneath an arc of glow- to, and they picked it up for the majority, ange beanie, managed to deliver the best Potter’s Grand Point North Festival, and ing red lights and a collection of green much to the delight of the sold-out crowd. vocals and guitar performances of the they also played two years ago at Higher streamers. A sign posed next to them that #e concert also proved Dr. Dog’s tal- band. He is the raspy singer that gives the Ground. I was "nally able to see them appeared to have been dragged straight ent as rock- band much this year, and I am truly disappointed that from a strip mall featured the Vermont- ers. #ey of its char- I have missed their last few Burlington esque mantra of “See you on the slopes.” brought a “if live music venues in acter. He shows. #eir continued presence is a wel- #e audience was perfectly content on this certain in- burlington can attract good belted out coming sign for Burlington’s music scene. "ne evening to avoid the deathly cold wind t a n g i b l e , the lyrics If live music venues in Burlington can at- and jam out to the rocking band. yet highly artists and manage to keep much like tract good artists and manage to keep them In case you are unfamiliar with Dr. v a l u a b l e , he deliv- coming back, college kids and Burlington Dog, you should de"nitely check them j a m m i n g them coming back, college kids ered jiving residents alike can enjoy the valued pres- out. Start with either their newest album, ability to solos. His ence of live music. B-Room, released just this year, or their the stage. and burlington residents alike passion was Higher Ground has managed to put 2012 album Be "e Void. #e band is basi- #is is the palpable for together a good list of artists for the win- cally genre-less. Early albums point them e mp h a s i s can enjoy the valued presence the dura- ter, as has Signal Kitchen on the bottom in the direction of indie, lo-" rockers, but they have of live music.” tion of the of Main Street. Check out Phosphorescent newer albums steer them towards straight b r o u g h t show, but it and Caveman February 3 and Surfer Blood up headbanging, lively rock-and-rollers. forth in really came February 23 at Signal Kitchen, as well as #eir concert proved true to their roots, their more recent albums, and it was the to life during those blaring guitar solos. Dale Earnhardt Jr. Jr. on March 19 and Real as they played a wide range style on Tuesday night. #e group switched Dr. Dog wrapped up their performance Estate on March 21 at Higher Ground. songs, from early songs “Die, instruments continuously. Scott McMicken with a four-song encore that included the Die, Die” to newer songs like and Toby Leaman shared lead vocals and audience-loved “Shadow People.” Another “Lonesome,” “#ese Days,” bass guitar. McMicken, Leaman, and Frank highlight was the cover of “Heart it Races” by katjaritchie with lauragreenwood !e idea came slowly at "rst, but before I had much time to register its presence, there it stood Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, UVemcees, because before me, it’s time to bring your rhyme-slingin’ back to the water having burst gleefully through the front of my skull, tower. When you work hard and play hard all week long, dressed head to toe in a wan shade of green. nothing puts your mind at ease better than lyric therapy. !is week, we’re kickin’ o" !e Super Bowl. “You know why I’m here,” it said, #icking bits of my frontal lobe from its long "ngers, where Sitting here revelin’ at last week’s cipher they splatted hollowly on the #oor. Damn I still got it, heck I got better Pen to the papes for next week’s topic I was glad for some company. See: Super Bowl. Too late. Can’t stop it I’m not sports savvy and I won’t pretend We stayed up and let the dusk become dim, Had to ask a friend which teams would contend like old friends, First up Broncos cause horses makes sweet rides and each new presupposition fed to me #ooded hotter and Recalling where they’re from is hurtin’ on my pride more erratically And they’re up against Seahawks...sounds epic through my veins. Horses vs. birds on a "eld, so decrepit Usually the game entails me straight chowing It gave me the iciest of glares when I Wings over pizza over beer, fridge mowing shook my head and reasoned he was probably out late with friends, but Antes de kicko$ spending time big stretchin’ re"lled my glass with cheap white wine and began Get my tummy ready for a feast, no retchin’ to ri#e through old movies on my shelves But alas just found out the game is Sunday when I listened so intently to its tales of car crashes, Face palm, SMH...sports, you escape me! of lies and I’ll sit down, watch, d’spite my ig’nance, so ratchet the ten other women he could have met by now, Go eat! Rah sports! And (insert team name) please catch it! and the look it gave me then was so warm. by beat blasta LG-Unit I stayed up til morning that night with Envy and it bandaged the ragged hole in my forehead, telling me, it could explain everything.

!e sound of snow crunching under those "ngernails shut it down. Long "n- With the night coming to an early end, is never any reason), take care of them. our boots "lls the empty air. Falling, dying gernails give o$ an unkempt, slovenly air. I had plenty of time to consider whether I Dirty, long, yellowed "ngernails are dis- #akes of snow streak to the ground, cov- Long "ngernails make me take a second had written o$ my Connecticut boy a little gusting to look at. Clean them. For all I ering the griminess of naked reality with look at the "ne young Connecticut man too early. A%er little thought, I still stand care, get them professionally polished. a blank, white slate. !e lights tangled in who is studying mechanical engineering by my decision. Men, let me be frank: there Boys, lemme tell you, there are a variety of the treetops above twinkle back at us as and question who he really is. is absolutely no reason why you should fake nails to choose from: acrylic, gel, the we stop for a moment and look up into I see secrets hiding behind those yel- have long "ngernails. wrap silk kind….you have options! I would the quiet night sky. For a moment, Church lowed, curling nails Oh, but you’re a guitar rather see a man with some nice press-on Street is perfect. I catch the boy’s eye, and (okay, maybe they player? I don’t want to hear nails than some naturally long "ngernails. he’s staring intensely at me. He starts to say weren’t that bad, but your petty excuse; have you ever No, thank you. something, and I need to reel my buzzing, you see what I’m get- heard of manning up and getting Now here’s the thing, I understand nail high-#ying mind in to focus on the sweet ting at). Nothing is some callouses on your hands? care may o%en go overlooked in the grand words that will surely escape his mouth. I shiny and bright about Let me tell you, a potential sig- scheme of personal upkeep and such, but expect to hear something cliché like, “this him anymore. His Old ni"cant other will be much more that’s no excuse. Bite them, chew them, I night is perfect,” or “you look beautiful.” Spice smell, which be- impressed by your roughed-up, don’t care; do what you can. As soon as Instead he says, “you have something in fore I had found pleas- hardened guitar hands than you notice your ability to peel an orange your hair.” ing and comforting, those creepy, long-ass "ngernails has quickened, that’s when you know your Oh, okay. starts to smell dingy, you’re sporting. If you can’t do time has come: they’re too long; cut it out. I’m plunged back into reality. moldy, rotting to my that, go buy yourself some damn Connecticut Boy obviously put some “Yeah, I’ve got big hair, there’s always senses. Why didn’t I "ngerpicks; you can "nd them thought into his appearance: nice haircut, something in it.” realize that mechani- really cheap online (plus having North Face coat, UVM sweatshirt (book- I chuckle nervously and frantically cal engineering majors little metal clips on the end of store bought, so you know it was pricey). swat at it, trying to liberate whatever has were the future men your "ngers is hot in an Edward He had money to splurge; he could have gotten stuck. I’m failing. who leered in laun- Scissorhands kind of way). totally a$orded proper upkeep of those He laughs and slips his glove o$. dromats? !e ones Oh, but you’re a coke addict, nails, be it with a simple nail clipper or “Here, I got it.” with eager, eerie, stretched-crooked smiles and a%er all it’s only one long pinky nail...? having a professional do the handiwork. If And that is when I notice it: his "nger- that carry with them an air of loneliness? Sit down and shut up. If you’re going to only Connecticut Boy had reacted to my nails; they’re long. As his hand inches clos- !e ones with slit mouths, who stare and blow snow, at least be classy about it and #inch with a recoiling of his hand and a er to my face I can’t help but shrink back. hold eye contact for a little too long? Un- roll a bill. sudden realization: All I can think is “I don’t want him to touch beknownst to me, this was the boy I was What, you wanna be a warlock? ‘Cause “Oh boy, I can’t believe how out of me, I don’t want him to touch me!”—so I walking down a silent Church Street with. that’s the image you’re frontin’ with them control these nails are! Wanna pop in for a rapidly "re back, “Naw, i’ss okay! It’s cool! Whereas before I thought his idea of veg- long nails! Gandalf-style is what I’m read- mani-pedi? !ere’s probably a two-for-one Let it be!” !e night ends shortly a%er. ging on the couch for a Net#ix date seemed in’, and if that’s the case, then why don’t you special somewhere.” Oh my heart, what I know, I know, I take small things and quaint and simple, now I was creeped out. go catch a nice case of herpes, add some could have been. blow them out of proportion, but this is no His apartment was probably littered with warts and complete the picture to your small thing, folks: long "ngernails on guys; wadded-up, sticky tissues and 2-liter Pepsi loathsome, neglectful, dirty appearance. that’s a deal breaker. bottles "lled with urine, Howard Hughes- If you absolutely must have long "n- !e night was going so well, too, but style. gernails for whatever reason (though there Black Friday Edition

collincappelle

Tip o’ the Week !e best thing about not having a girl- friend is you can pee anywhere you want. !ere is no one to stop me from peeing in in the center of Pearl Street while its still light out. !is, my friends, is what is known as true freedom.

(Like some answers on Wheel of Fortune)

- Bertrand Russell Wilson !e most athletic mathematician ever

- Cassius Clay Aiken Floats like a butter"y, sings like an irrelevant bee

- Steven Tyler Durden !e idiocy and awesome balance out to make someone surprisingly normal

-Jennifer Lawrence Taylor An acadamey award winner and a hall of famer, how much more perfect can you get

-Carmelo Anthony Hopkins Ok, all I can imagine is Carmelo as Hannibal in Silence of the Lambs or Sir Hopkins prancing around a basketball court. Both are images I will cherish forever