Joan Mitchell, BSHS/RM Domestic Violence Advocate Jewish Family & Children’s Service Shelter Without Walls Program

 Domestic violence is about one person in a relationship using a pattern of behaviors to control the other person.  Domestic Violence is a learned behavior.  It can happen to anyone.  Many people who are being abused do not see themselves as victims. Also, abusers do not see themselves as being abusive.  Domestic violence can be any combination of the following abuse types: emotional/psychological, verbal, isolation, financial, legal, physical and/or sexual abuse

 Domestic violence threatens a child’s sense of stability & security and can cause traumatic stress reactions.  Children living with domestic violence are at increased risk of physical injury or child abuse (mental, physical)  Exposure to violence can desensitize children to aggressive behavior. Making it their “norm”  Children are a product of their environment. Growing up in abuse increases the risk of repeating the cycle of violence in the next generation.  Age-birth to 4 years  Negative Coping Skills   Failure to thrive Fear scream   Colick GI issues   Stress related sleep problems Fear of going to sleep- abandonment or harm to child/Mother  Hypersensitive to  Uncontrollable crying due to noise/movement- startle reflex unstable environment  Delayed speech and/or  Unmet communication impediments due to fear of milestones delays school harm entrance or designates special needs  Delayed physical milestones-  Poor physical/motor skills crawling, walking development due to limited  Inability to have needs met- positive stimulus emotional/physical  Poor impulse control taught by  Inappropriate verbal abuser responses to Victim (Mother) and others, bullying

 Inability to set  Mimics “victim” role or boundaries “bully” role   Low self esteem/self Depression/anxiety/ confidence alienation/ guilt/shame  Acting out in school/  Poor interpretation of immature actions/melt appropriate behavior downs  Scholastic difficulties  Unachievable expectations/giving up  Obscured definitions of  Taking on adult family members roles roles/protective of siblings  Poor boundaries with  “People pleaser” vs peers/difficult “Bully”, all or nothing relationships in friendships  Obscured role in family  Acting as protector, too dynamics much responsibility  Unhealthy coping skills  Anxiety/depression/ shame can lead to self destructive behaviors  Under achiever/over  Scholastic difficulties achiever- seeking attention  Weak development of  No self worth without self identity others- defined by peers

 Trust issues, unable to  Limited boundary skills compromise  Struggle with peer  “All or nothing”, Love-Hate, relationships no middle ground  Destructive over-achiever vs  Scholastic expectations “give up”, drop out  Self esteem/self identity  Needs validation of peers for self esteem, high suicide rate

 Sexual activity, male  Unhealthy view of dominance, no worth dating roles without significant other  Poor body image, no love of  Sexual identity self, secret pregnancy for “someone to love”, prostitution  Family dynamics  Take on role of parent for siblings

 Victim Mentality  Abuser Mentality  Anxiety, depression, PTSD  Low self esteem, self worth  Low self esteem, self worth  Negative learned behaviors   No ability to set boundaries Bullying  Destruction of property  Low social skills  Disrespect of females  Poor choice in partners  Manipulative actions  Multiple abusive relationships  Alcohol/drug use  Self destructive behavior  Family of origin encourage behavior  Prostitution

 Alcohol/Drug use

 Victim- Mother of Child  Listen  Educate, Educate, Educate  Provide resources- safely  Encourage victim to contact a domestic violence program- Shelter Without Walls  Don’t Push- she needs to leave the abuse when she is ready  Provide empathy and support  Child  Tell the child the violence is not their fault or responsibility. Give responsibility for the violence to the appropriate person.  Help the child spend time with supportive friends, teachers or counselors outside of the family. Develop a healthy self-image  Help the child find a safe way to grieve (loss and separation from abusive parent). Learn to discuss feelings openly and appropriately.  Call DV programs for information on support groups for the child  Find out about conflict resolution programs at the child’s school. Practice conflict resolution at home.  Have the child see and spend time with people of both sexes whom you know & admire. Show the child there are choices. Thank you- Joan Mitchell Domestic Violence Advocate Shelter Without Walls 602 452-4640