Volume XLI, Issue 10 December 5, 2012 Fordham University’s journal of news, analysis, comment, and review page 2 the paper december 5, 2012 EEveryvery issueissue onlineonline andand blogblog postsposts aboutabout everythingeverything andand nothing.nothing. CheckCheck usus outout onlineonline atat fupaper.netfupaper.net

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Editors-in-Chief Arts Features & List Edifor Marisa “Freshly Washed Baby” Carroll Suzette “Cut Grass” Dorrielan Valerie “The Deli Smell” Heinmets Lauren “Gasoline” Duca Will “Lemon Pledge“ Speros Copy Chief Executive Editors Earwax Editor Hannah “Fried Chicken” Weissenbuehler Peter “Deep Woods” Lacerenza Connor “Bowling Alley” O’Brien Liz “Rotting Pumpkin” O’Malley Contributors Comix Editor Kate Delaney, Lindsay Javitz, Alex Avalos, Ali News Editors C Sarah “Factory Fumes” Strafford Glembocki, Maris Cuddebeck, Liam Lowery, Gibson “Fake Blood” Merrick Troy Gaub, Tim Luecke, Stephanie Colombi- John “Pugsley’s” O’Neill ni, Sofi a Munoz, Zoe Sackas, Isabel Brown, Rachel Doughtery, Caroline Groarke the paper is a product solely of the students. No part of the publication may be reproduced without written consent of the editors. the paper is produced using Adobe InDesign, Photoshop, Microsoft Word, and the incredibly hard work of the people above. Photos are “borrowed” from Internet sites like: www.imdb.com, www.google.com, www.nambla.org, www.rollingstone.com, www.cnn.com. Sorry mom, subscriptions are not available. Ad rates are unreasonable – don’t ask. Open staff meetings are held Tuesdays at 8:00 PM in Rose Hill Commons 236. Articles and letters to the editor may be submitted via e-mail to paper.fordham@ gmail.com, or scrawled incoherently in White-Out on back issues of Penthouse magazine. Submissions are always considered, usually printed, and occasionally used to make origami rhinoceroses. If you do not wish your letter to the editor to be published, just say so. We do not advocate wussitude; all letters must be signed. We reserve the right to edit any material submitted for publication. We will, however, work with the writer and see that content is as true to the writer’s original as possible. We publish this rag ten times a year (fi ve per semester). So why not come down and write for us? We are a constantly evolving publication, and have been since 1972. And we try our best to second guess mainstream opinion and buck the system, even if there is no call to do so. But hey, writing isn’t for everyone. Try reading a good book like The Care and Keeping of You: A Body Book for Young Girls. You might just learn something. our aim the paper is Fordham University’s student journal of news, analysis, comment, and review. Our aim is to give the Fordham community fresh insights on old is- sues, new thoughts on new issues, and information that other campus publications may not be able to report. We do not claim to be a newspaper of record – facts, fi gures, and dates. Instead, we focus on the Fordham student perspective, on thoughtful analysis, and on the comprehension of the full scope of events, rather than staggered and straight news coverage. In short, our emphasis is on the obvious and active role of the student writer in his or her work. We also aim to provide Fordham students a less fettered venue for expression, something they may not be able to fi nd at other student publications. Basically, if we make you laugh, piss you off, or move you in some way, then we’re doing our job. If you don’t like it, shut your pie hole (or come write for us)!

the paper c/o Offi ce of Student Leadership and Community Development Fordham University Bronx, NY 10458 [email protected] fupaper.net december 5, 2012 the paper page 3 that they were routinely barred from promotions and segregated within the company. With some 50,000 workers now in- nnewsews volved in the fast food industry across the city, the status of these jobs is changing – in this economy; these jobs are no longer the domain of pimply post-pubescent teens. As Annette Ber- nhardt, the policy co-director at the Na- tional Employment Law Project (NELP) put it, “I don’t think we can afford to write off fast food anymore as simply a sector that offers transitional jobs for teenagers.” According the Bureau of Labor Statistics estimates, the me- dian age for fast food workers across the country is over twenty-eight, and its McJobs Strike, Is Sodexo Next? women employees (who make of two- thirds of the industry) are over thirty- by Hannah Weissenbuehler two. It’s not a career we’re brought up Copy Chief Food service workers organize for better wages to dream about, but in this economy it “The cheese and bacon striker.” In vate sector is organized, some mem- to settle complaints that it pocketed is a dominating one. the U.K., that’s their version of Mc- bers of the “Combined Food Service rebates from its food suppliers that In 2006 at Fordham, the Labor Soli- Donald’s eighteen percent saturated and Preparation Workers, Including was intended to go to the State Univer- darity Committee, a student-run club, fat bacon cheeseburger. On November Fast Food” are unionized. One example sity of New York and over twenty public protested Sodexo in the midst of con- 29, the cheese and bacon strikers of is Sodexo – a company not far behind school districts. tract negotiations that would cut em- New York City swarmed Times Square. McDonalds in size, as the twentieth Too, both McDonald’s and Sodexo ployee health benefi ts by twenty-fi ve Demonstrators from fast food restau- largest employer in the world. Here at describe their employment opportuni- percent. One of the student members rants across the city walked out in Fordham University, Sodexo workers ties in similar ways. Their hiring infor- of Labor Solidarity, Connor Murphy, protest of low wages. And the pro- said at the time, “We believe that as testors weren’t just from McDon- part of the community at Fordham it is ald’s; workers from Burger King, essential to support the workers…As Wendy’s, KFC, Domino’s Pizza, people we support a living wage and, and Taco Bell, joined in on the pro- as a Jesuit institution, we should work test and the “Fast Food Forward” to secure human dignity.” Students movement. collected 850 signatures in support According to the Bureau of La- of the workers (it was the pre-Change. bor Statistics, these workers of org era.) In the end, Sodexo gave the “Combined Food Service and the union a better offer, keeping the Preparation Workers, Including healthcare plan intact and providing Fast Food” are the lowest paid in a 3.5% annual wage increase over NYC. Some use the term “McJob” three years. These three years have to refer to work done by fast food now passed, though, and Sodexo employees who make just above IIt’st’s notnot a ppartyarty uuntilntil employees are again facing a tough minimum wage; the median hourly GGrimacerimace sshowshows upup economic climate and unsatisfactory wage for these NYC food service compensation. workers is $8.90 per hour. This As the fast food protest move- rate is well below the living wage ment moves forward, the future sta- heralded by the City Council’s Fair Wag- on campus are organized under Team- mation summons “equal opportunity tus of food service employees – their es for New Yorkers Act of $10-an-hour sters Local 805; the labor union that employment” and “employee empow- wages and unionization – is up in the (with benefi ts) $11.50-an-hour (with- represents the foodservice, grounds, erment.” They say there’s even room air. What’s undeniable though, is that out benefi ts). The workers of the “Fast and facilities workers at Fordham. De- to move up in that world—McDonald’s these positions are one of few career Food Forward” movement want fi fteen spite their organization, like the work- website touts, “More than 50% of our options right now for New Yorkers, dollars per hour and recognition of ers of the “Fast Food Forward” move- owner operators started off behind the McJob strikers, Fordham University their independent union, the Fast Food ment, the median income for Sodexo counter.” Allegedly, both McDonald’s Sodexo food service employees, and Workers Committee. While wages re- employees in food service is around and Sodexo “celebrate diversity,” a millions of Americans. Our country now main menial for McJobbers, the profi ts $8.75. And onsidering the massive phrase Sodexo exhausts on their web- has a service economy. But without at fast food joints like McDonald’s (the wealth Sodexo possesses, you wonder site. It’s understandable that they’d be corporate or governmental recognition fi fteenth largest employer in the world) where the money really goes. It’s not compensating, though – in 2005, So- that McJobs are careers and should be have been on the increase, up 130% going to the workers or to the institu- dexo shelled out $80 million to settle paid as such, those living in New York since 2000. tions it serves: In 2010 the company a Maryland-based suit fi led by thou- City will not be able to sustain their live- Though only seven percent of the pri- paid New York twenty million dollars sands of black employees on the basis lihoods. page 4 the paper december 5, 2012 Sandy Devastated Neighborhoods to be Rebuilt as Glork 38X by John O’Neill Wary of the future storms, some neighborhoods may not be rebuilt News Co-Editor Over a month after Hurricane Sandy pairs will mostly fall on property owners cleanup and hope to see service resto- tions involved in the topic of rebuilding. hit the shores of the Tri-State region, and insurance companies, the city is ration to all neighborhoods, regardless Unfortunately, some Council Members questions are beginning to shift from likely to have to request federal dollars of gated status. So regardless of the are promising families the ability to re- recovery (see Brown, pg. 5) to rebuild- in paying to demolish privately owned city’s decision, both communities ap- build regardless of what the city may ing and answers are both undeter- homes that have been abandoned or pear set and determined to rebuild as or may not facilitate, a short term vic- mined and elusive. regardless of the tory that may help their public image Tens of thousands future risks. more than the public themselves. As of residents of As hurricanes emotional and diffi cult an issue as this parts of Evacua- become more nor- is, providing false hope or misinforma- tion Zone A are mal in our North- tion to constituents is obviously wrong waiting for word eastern climate, as we wait for fi nal determination as to as to the future the city must what the city is willing to assist rebuild of their communi- think ahead. Many and where. ties. The majority southern states The loss of these city neighborhoods of those left in lim- are rebuilding with would be yet another steep personal bo are residents limited planning toll for some New Yorkers, but it in- of the worst hit or little concern creasingly seems that that will be the parts of the city, about future dam- fate of their former communities. The areas like Midland age. A growing city will likely receive billions of fed- Beach, Ocean consensus within eral aid dollars to rebuild infrastruc- Breeze, Broad city government ture, and a cold calculating lame-duck BBroadroad Channel,Channel, thethe citycity ofof Channel, Breezy and public opinion mayor like Bloomberg doesn’t seem ttodayoday Point and other is that rebuilding all that inclined to approve various de- neighborhoods in likely should not partment dollars to facilitate rebuilding the Rockaways. In occur in low-lying in places likely to take a comparable those communities, the city plans to not properly insured. The cost of demo- areas where many homes and lives pounding were another hurricane to demolish several hundred condemned lition alone will run into the tens of mil- were taken by the rising waters of the hit. Even proposals for future fl ooding homes in the coming weeks and like- lions, and with such enormous costs, sea. That argument will be a tough one defense have largely failed to mention ly hundreds more in the months fol- the city is beginning to wonder how to present as city departments work the South Shore of Staten Island or lowing. The Department of Buildings many times in the future this will occur. to assist rebuilding and provide tem- the coastline of southern Brooklyn and has attempted to balance compas- Another issue facing the neighbor- porary housing to those left homeless Queens. On top of the questions of city sion with urgency, but ultimately has hoods of Sea-Gate and Breezy Point is and in limbo. Some City Council mem- fi nanced rebuilding, many private ho- had to go full steam ahead with the that they have existed meowners are in the planned razing program. But as the as gated enclaves early stages of wran- GGlorklork 338X,8X, thethe CityCity ofof thethe FutureFuture land is cleared and the city lays plans that have operated gling over damage to rebuild, questions are arrising about as semi-independent costs and payments when and where rebuilding will occur. locales within the sur- from their insurance Unfortunately for some communities, rounding city. Both companies. The vast the discussion of their abandonment is private communities majority of damage in becoming very real. maintain their own the city was caused Many of the homes and structures parks, streets, sewer by fl ooding, a realm totally destroyed by Sandy were sum- systems, and in Sea of insurance infa- mer bungalows and beach houses Gate, their own police. mous for its tendency that were winterized and retrofi tted But in both communi- to screw the policy for year-round living. Many were built ties, homeowners are holder. In insurance outside the bounds of current build- struggling to fi gure out industry tradition it ing codes and cannot be replicated how they will rebuild seems that another as code stands today. The medley of both the private and round of cheating, ly- architectural styles that defi ned these public spaces that they ing, and cost-saving tightly-knit middle class neighborhoods lost during Sandy. Af- will be enacted as it is something irreplaceable and truly ter nearly a century of was post-Katrina in tragic. If these neighborhoods are re- semi-independence, New Orleans, albeit in built, they will likely have return in an residents have sought a different way. Hurri- entirely different form, one devoid of fi nancial assistance the government, a bers from Queens and Staten Island cane Sandy has cost our city dozens of their original quaint charm. Citywide, troubling development for some resi- have vowed to fi ght for their constitu- lives and tens of billions of dollars, and some 80,000 buildings were damaged dents from inside and out. The city has ents and homeowners rights, but are it appears now, a handful of our neigh- in the storm and while the costs of re- made clear that they will assist with also conscious of the political calcula- borhoods. december 5, 2012 the paper page 5 Post Mubarak Egypt - One Step Forward, Two Steps Back by Sofi Muñoz Staff Middle East Expert Morsi high on Gaza treaty decides to go back to messing everything up Barely two years after the wake of cording to Gamal Hishmat, a senior strong political arm active in several rir Square, this time against him. Po- the Arab Spring, Egypt has a dictator. member of the Muslim Brotherhood’s Arab countries, secularists have always lice and protestors have clashed, and Again. Last week, Egypt’s president political party, “We needed this con- been wary of Morsi, though they ex- neither side shows any sign of backing Mohammed Morsi attempted to ex- down, though Morsi did attempt to soft- pand his power into a virtual dictator- en the language of the edict in order to ship by essentially stripping the judi- make it sound less tyrannical. cial branch of its authority to overturn The international community, and his decisions. CNN reported the edict especially the United States, has been as “declaring that Egypt’s courts can- particularly slow to condemn Morsi’s not overturn decisions he’s [Morsi’s] actions, mostly because he has been made since coming to offi ce in June key in negotiating the ceasefi re be- or over the next six months, nor can tween Israel and Hamas. Clearly, the they [the judiciary] alter the makeup or timing of the edict is no coincidence; work of the 100-person group charged Morsi knows the United States needs with crafting a new constitution.” As him to mediate between the Israelis a newly democratized country, Egypt and Palestinians and will therefore not currently lacks a constitution; thus the say a word. Sadly, the United States is work of the one hundred-person group PPictured:ictured: TheThe FourFour SStoogestooges once again silently sanctioning the ac- is extremely important since they will tions of a dictator in order to further ultimately be building a new country. its own foreign policy goals. If we are However, Morsi appointed many of the stitutional declaration because there pressed hope that a new government truly the promoters of democracy and members of the group, leading many to were several conspiracies that were re- could be built despite difference in be- freedom that we claim to be, Morsi’s fear that the constitution will allocate vealed that will bring the country back liefs. The Wall Street Journal reported actions must be strongly criticized in- a disproportionate amount of power to to square one,” though according to one protestor as saying, “I did hope that stead of tolerated. As thousands con- the president or implement laws that the Wall Street Journal, he declined to Islamists would embrace what the rev- tinue to fl ood Tahrir Square, Morsi will are overly Islamist. elaborate on these conspiracies, prob- olution was all about when it started: fi nd that though the international com- Morsi claims these measures are ably because they don’t exist. we were all in it together.” Now, many munity may turn a blind eye to his elicit temporary and done only to safeguard As a member of the Muslim Broth- of the groups who helped put Morsi in actions, the people certainly will not. the country against its enemies. Ac- erhood, an Islamist movement with a power are once again gathering in Tah- Sandy Related Difficulties Persist, Leaving Many New Yorkers in Need by Isabel Brown Staff Humanitarian City officials discover a mysterious borough called “Queens” Four weeks after Hurricane Sandy struggling with especially high crime, Middle-class families on Long Island’s our city and commuters functioning roared through New York, it feels as contended with severe fl ooding and vi- South Shore, on the Rockaways, and in was restored within a week is nothing if most of our lives have shifted back olence begat by the residents’ restless Staten Island bore the brunt of Sandy’s short of astounding. But the inevitable to normal. The Times’ headlines have wait for help. When Lower Manhattan death toll (which was over fi fty, a sta- fall of a disaster’s poorest, most ordi- returned to Israel and Palestine; Wall was relit, a week and a half after the tistic that takes a remarkable amount nary victims into the background of Street wage slaves are reshuffl ing their storm, it was hailed in the news as a of time to locate even when your en- media coverage is nevertheless worri- kajillions; here in the Bronx, the only paragon of New York’s unstoppable tire dorm building isn’t conspiring to some: time and again it happens, and destruction Fordham suffered was di- work ethic. Yet, many days later, when use the wifi all at once). There are still still we look the other way. Editorials rected at our reading days. Ostensibly, the 60th Precinct posted offi cers on ev- Red Cross relief stations and National will still complain of the slow process the real problems are over. Hell, NY1 ery corner near South Brooklyn’s hous- Guard trucks camped in these zones, of “these groups’” recovery efforts-- was reporting on Black Friday sales ing projects, little was spoken of the and the boardwalks I used to frequent without ever seeing the photos and sto- predictions before New Yorkers could rats and mold that had taken up resi- in all three areas are scattered across ries of the enormous obstacles in their even mass-transit their way to the Gar- dence in the buildings, or the kids be- the shrunken islets and eroded beach- path. Although it’s an unavoidable den State Plaza mall. Left in blind spot ing bused to unfamiliar schools at 5:30 es still waiting for the Army Corps of cliche of the “24-hour news cycle” to of the public eye, however, are thou- in the morning. The wait for emergency Engineers’ remedy. shift the public’s focus away from one sands of New York’s most forgotten government handouts and threats of Granted, Sandy is no Katrina--the woe to the next as quickly as Anderson residents. looting--images that are constantly as- New York metro area is too economi- Cooper can catch my eye, I doubt the In Coney Island’s stacks of housing sociated between disasters and the cally viable to be left helpless by the media establishment would be shat- projects, from the Luna Park Houses poor--loomed large in newspaper head- government for months. The total esti- tered by a few updates on the recovery to Ocean Towers, power was restored lines. mated cost of Sandy’s damage to the efforts of the so-called “superstorm,” to residents by November 23rd, more But unlike disasters past, it’s not just tri-state area is less than a third of Ka- at least until life is truly back to normal than three weeks after Sandy struck. the bottom rungs of society whom the trina’s. Just the simple fact that much for us all. The Towers, a massive complex already media forgot about after Week One. of the subways and tunnels which keep page 6 the paper december 5, 2012 Corporal Punishment the Hottest New Fad in Indian Education FAKER by Connor O’Brien Child beating proves popular substitute to Earwax Editor good teaching In northwest Delhi, a teacher forced the abuse remains widespread. Only a general Indian economy gets affected a thirteen-year-old girl to strip naked few months after instituting the laws, by pupils’ poor attendance and aca- THAN and parade around the school after about 65% of students had received demic performance. fraudulently accusing her of stealing corporal punishment recently, and Despite the harsh publicized punish- the equivalent of fi fteen British pounds. the majority of those students came ments, teachers still believe that harm The girl went home after school and at- from state schools. The most heavily to students is necessary. Roomy Naqvy, TRUTH tempted suicide by jumping off of the beaten states in India are, according an assistant professor at Jamia Milia four story building in which her and her to the same study, Assam (a whopping Islamia, has become the metaphorical by Connor O’Brien and Marisa family reside. Despite having a much- 99.56%), Mizoram (90.86%), and Uttar mouthpiece for educators across India Carroll publicized ban in July of 2010, Indian Pradesh (81.59%). None of the previ- who still believe that corporal punish- Fordham University - It’s day 83 schools are continuing to use corporal ously discussed incidents came from ment is not only an acceptable form of of Club Lib, and the casualties are punishment in schools in cruel and un- these states, but it seems to be more dealing with unruly students, but also rising. Despite a strong showing at usual ways. The ban think that it is necessary part its inception, many do not know that came after a twelve- of the education system. In since that night, the celebration has year-old boy commit- an interview, Navqy said: been raging on in a secluded room in ted suicide after being “The government has a no- the basement of Walsh Library. What publicly caned in front detention policy and every started as an overenthusiastic “Hey, of his school in Kol- child passes automatically till let’s keep the party going guys!” has kata. Class 8 [13 years old]. Now, turned into one of the grisliest scenes In the past few the child also knows very Fordham has ever seen. By my count, months, various dis- well that the teacher cannot there were seven unconscious bodies turbing accounts of scold the child to make him strewn across the sweat and blood cruelty have surfaced or her study in class. So, if stained dancefl oor. I could not tell if from various parts of you couple the proposed pro- they were dead or alive. Only three India. Earlier this fall, visions to the Juvenile Justice people were still dancing, two rather another teacher in Act with the changes in the unenthusiastically. The one student Andhra Pradesh, the education system, we have a still vigorously celebrating, Chad southeast state that dangerous combination.” Hornbrath (GSB ’14), kept yelling: is home to Hyderabad, IIndependentndependent thoughtthought isis punishedpunished Teachers take issue with “I AM TRIPPING FACE RIGHT NOW, wwithith threethree lashingslashings BRO.” The student DJ was in the forced a four-year-old the defi nition of abuse as middle of one of his regular naps on child to drink his own outlined by the National Co- a makeshift cot, while a previously urine after having an mission for Protection of Chil- created playlist blared Avicii and accident in the classroom. A fi ve year widespread because of a regular insti- dren’s Rights (NCPCR), which includes: Swedish House Mafi a. -CO old in the same region was beaten bru- tution of caning or beating with sticks corporal punishment not only as physi- tally by his principal, and another girl regularly, not unlike Catholic nuns. cal punishment but also mental ha- Egypt - CNN, the Yahoo News of in Dalit got thrashed by her teacher be- Many of the scientists behind the rassment (defi ned as ‘non-physical television, added another gaffe to cause she incorrectly answered a math study believe that one of the main treatment that is detrimental to the its list last week by reporting that problem. In one of the most recent reasons behind the beatings, in addi- academic and psychological well-being the English musical artist Morrissey, and harrowing cases, one teenage boy tion to an ignorance of the negative of a child’ such as sarcasm, ridicule, not Mohammed Morsi, was declar- from Hyderabad was made to run up consequences of ignoring children’s calling names, derogatory remarks ing a military dictatorship in Egypt. and down fl ights of stairs, stopping to rights and societal acceptance, is ra- and so on) and discrimination (defi ned CNN—whose recent mistakes include do sit-ups in different rooms on differ- cial and/or class discrimination. The as prejudiced views and behaviour to- incorrectly calling the Supreme ent fl oors. Mohammad Ismail, the boy study showed that even some students wards any child because of gender/ Court’s Affordable Care Act decision, in question, had surgery some years believed that corporal punishment caste/class).” In other words, teachers declaring “BREAKING NEWS: INDI- before and had an iron rod inserted in was essential to their performance in revert to physical punishment, which VIDUAL MANDATE STRUCK DOWN”— his leg. Days later, the boy complained school and their general behavior. is usually overlooked by parents and reported that Morrissey was taking of acute pain and died in a hospital of In addition to the physical and men- other authorities, instead of vocally autocratic measures and that it was a brain hemorrhage. tal stress put on Indian students, cor- reprimanding a student, which could making Egyptians “very sad.” When These incidents continue to occur all the network was questioned about poral punishment could potentially be easier to misinterpret as discrimina- the report, a representative claimed across India not only because of the be losing the establishments a large tion or a fi reable offense. they “weren’t home,” but went on to newness of the laws and statutes, but amount of money. Plan International While the nuances of the statute say that “we have our fi nger not only because many in authority positions (PI), a children’s rights organization may need to be reconsidered, the fact on the pulse of Egypt, we are cradling seem to look the other way. Parents, working in more than forty countries, remains that physical punishment not Egypt’s heart in our hands and kiss- teachers, and even police offi cers be- has estimated that social benefi ts in only leads to immediate bodily harm, ing it.” -MC lieve that beating a child in school does India can lose anywhere between $1.4 but also long term fatal effects for the not pose a real problem to their safety billion and $7.4 billion each year. PI child or mental anguish leading to sui- or well-being in the long run. Therefore, explains this statistic is based how the cidal thoughts. december 5, 2012 the paper page 7 Californians Prefer Ignorance When Eating Processed Food REALER by Sara DeSimine Staff Foodie Giant mutant vegetables rejoice What exactly is the Food Movement? hibited marketing such food, or other Student Culinary Council and Sodexo THAN As of now, is it an overarching term processed food, as “natural.” Geneti- also run a farmers market that brings that includes farmers, chefs, consum- cally modifi ed foods (GM foods, or bio- local products to be sold in McGinley. ers, producers, environmentalists and tech foods) are foods derived from ge- The main negative aspect of Prop FACT public-health offi cials who are looking netically modifi ed organisms known as 37, and generally why is seen to have by WIll Speros and Gibson to move towards organic, small-scale GMOs. GMOs have had specifi c chang- not passed, was that it would have in- food production at a national level. es introduced into their DNA by genetic creased annual state costs from a few Merrick Even Fordham students have been engineering techniques. hundred thousand dollars to over one Hollywood, CA - We now have a asking for health-conscious and sus- In an essay for the New York Times million dollars to regulate the labeling whole new reason to be afraid of tainable changes of genetically en- going to the dentist after a Califor- to our eating es- gineered foods. nia woman reported being violated tablishments. These costs by a dentist who treated her. John And maybe it’s were dramatized Collazos was recently arrested for kind of cool to be through the cam- practicing dental hygiene without healthy and sus- paigns of the Big an active license. The woman was tainable or what- Food companies charged $65 for services he pro- ever those hip such as Mon- vided in her Holywood apartment for kids are doing. santo, Coca-Cola, a painful toothache. Things took a But what if know- ConAgra, Nestle, very shocking turn when, after giving ing the origins of and Kraft, that the woman oral paste to help with our food products gave more than the pain, Collazos told the woman was the law? forty-fi ve mil- he would need to administer a shot in her buttocks to further alleviate A proposition lion dollars into the pain. Collazos proceeded to kiss offered on Cali- the “No on 37” the woman's buttocks and refused to fornia ballots in campaign. Ford- stop. After the arrest, it was discov- November, called ham’s CSA pro- ered that Collazos had Prop 37, would gram combats previously been providing services for have required this price issue people of questionable that genetically by cutting out in- immigration status out of a local modifi ed foods termediary retail- warehouse and was using their carry a label TThehe FoodFood MMovementovement RRevoltevolt iiss jjustust ers. By providing situation to his advantage. So the marking them as iinn iitsts eearliestarliest sstagestages fi nancing up-front next time your dentist asks you to such. Although instead of after drop trout to administer a shot, prob- the proposition the produce has ably just say no. did not pass, narrowly losing by 46.9% Magazine’s recent food issue, Michael been grown, the suppliers are able -WS to 53.1%, the creation of the proposi- Pollan wrote that Proposition 37’s out- to charge us far less per pound than tion itself is a starting point for a na- come will show “whether or not there would otherwise be possible. tional change in policy. The creation of is a ‘food movement’ in America wor- This issue of price is often why peo- Las Vegas, NV - A shot ran out in El the policy, although just in one state, thy of the name—that is, an organized ple criticize the food movement as an Diamante restaurant when a hand- sparked reactions nationally from force in our politics capable of de- elitist social choice rather than a nec- gun was tossed into the kitchen’s across the foodie community. manding change in the food system.” essary change. deep fryer. The high temperatures In a movement that has been grow- Other infl uential voices, such as New Some California Voters are glad that of the boiling grease caused the gun to fi re a bullet and explode. No ing across the country for years, the York Times food columnist Mark Bitt- the law didn’t pass. “It shows that Cali- one was arrested in connection with push to get rid of genetically modifi ed, man, also share this view. He recently fornians think about proposed laws the shooting, but forty-four year old mass-produced “Big Food”, has been wrote that Proposition 37 represented rather than just choosing the trendy Obdulio Gudiel was arrested and ac- supported by chefs, environmentalists, “the most important popular vote on option,” say University of California stu- cused of attempted robbery that took and public-health advocates alike. The food policy this decade.” Environmen- dent Karl Olsen. place shortly before the explosion. creation of Prop 37, and the transition tal groups including Greenpeace and Price is a large concern across Amer- Gudiel assured police he was not of a social choice and lifestyle trend the Sierra Club also endorsed the la- ica today, but should these savings connected to any robbery, but was into public policy, refl ects greatly on beling measure. come at the cost of not knowing what merely trying to aquire payment for the direction on Americans movement Fordham has already shown it’s in- is truly in your food? The movement to- three cars he sold his nephew, Vic- against Big Food. terest in supporting the local food mo- wards healthier, more sustainable food tor Larios. The overcooked gun was If it had passed, Prop 37 would ments. St. Rose’s Garden’s Community options for that masses are on there determined to be a Beretta. have required labeling of food sold to Supported Agriculture (CSA) program way, the system just hasn’t been per- -GM consumers made from plants or ani- allows members each buy a “share” of fected yet. mals with genetic material changed vegetables directly from Norwich Farm in specifi ed ways, and would have pro- at the beginning of the season. The page 8 the paper december 5, 2012 Syrians Forced to Go Days Without Facebook, Internet Porn by Gibson Merrick News Co-Editor Government attempts to reduce communication as rebellion drags on On November 29, following escalat- being cut off,” Reuters reported on No- ers — or go further down the chain and the blackout a “desperate move by a ed fi ghting between Syrian rebels and vember 29. Since then however, Cloud- switch off routers at individual ISPs to dying regime.” President Bashar al-Assad’s forces in Flare, an internet delivery network that prevent access for most users inside.” It wasn’t until December 1 that in- Damascus, Syria disappeared from monitored the blackout, released data As evidence and data surrounding the ternet, mobile networks, and landlines the world wide web. Following a report strongly implicating the government, blackout continued to come out, the were largely restored in Syria. After from Reuters that a “military show- not rebels, in the blackout. Communication Minister’saccusations nearly two days of the blackout, the down” had shut down airports in Syrian For rebels or “terrorists” to have seemed increasingly unlikely. Associated Press reported that service capital Damascus, Syria’s internal in- been responsible went up at approximately 4:32 PM lo- ternet connectivity abruptly shut down for Syria’s total ““Leopold!Leopold! WWhere’dhere’d thethe internetinternet cal time in Syria. As a sign that fi ghting at approximately 12:26 PM local time. internet blackout, ggo??”o??” between rebel forces and the military, Additional outages in cellphone and all four of these access to Damascus’ airport was also landline communications mean Syria physical cables reopened. Ghaidaa Abdul-Latif, the was effectively cut off from the world, would have to be general manager of the Syrian Civil and the perpetrator of this blackout ap- severed simulta- Aviation Agency, said the airport was pears to be Syria’s own government. neously, an inter- operating “as usual.” The Local Coordi- Dubbed “the worst communications pretation Matthew nation Committees of Syria (a network outage in twenty months,” Syria’s in- Prince, Cloud- of opposition activists) report that at ternet blackout lasted two days before Flare CEO, claims least seventy three people have been internet was largely restored on De- is “unlikely to killed across Syria, including 23 in Da- cember 1. have happened.” mascus and its suburbs, as a result Rebel attacks in Damascus have Prince goes on of the fi ghting. CNN has also reported been happening since 2011 as a part to conclude “the that rebels have “tightened their grip of the wider Syrian Civil War. Rebels at- systematic way on territory near Damascus Interna- tack Damascus, Assad’s seat of power, in which routers tional Airport.” Despite a lack of inter- in hopes of ousting the Assad regime were withdrawn net-based communications, it would and ending the near fi ve decade rule of suggests this was seem Syrian rebels emerged from the the Ba’ath Party. In the months leading done through up- blackout with more ground. up to the blackout, Syrian rebels have dates in router The disruption of telecommunica- been increasing their gains around the configurations, tions by governments looking to hinder country by overrunning military bases not through a revolutionary efforts is not new to the and increasing their attacks on Da- physical failure or Middle East. Assad’s government had mascus. It wasn’t until fi ghting began cable cut.” Con- previously limited cell phone and inter- to increase outside Damascus’ airport trol of routers and net use, but nothing like the scale of on November 29 that the internet was Syria’s internet infrastructure belongs In response to the well-publicized this blackout. Egypt also faced a simi- lost. to Syrian Telecommunications, a com- blackout, the United States had pro- lar blackout under Mubarak during its How was this accomplished? Syria’s pany affi liated with Syria’s government. vided Syrian rebels with “non-lethal revolution in 2011. If it wasn’t already connectivity to the internet depends Additional data from GigaOM, a blog equipment,” which included commu- clear, the internet can play a huge role on eighty four IP address blocks con- that offers news, analysis and opinions nications tools to bypass outages. Ad- in organizing groups within a country, nected by four physical cables. Three of on startups, new technologies, and ditionally, Google had implemented a whether through direct messages or Syria’s cables run underseas and one broadband, linked control of Syria’s service, called Speak2Tweet, allow- the access to ideas governments would runs overland through Turkey. When routers to the shutdown of the inter- ing users with mobile service to tweet rather suppress. Having emerged from connectivity fl atlined, Syrian Commu- net. A post on GigaOM’s blog, work- by speaking into their smart phones. the blackout with moderate success, nications Minister Umran Ahid al-zabi ing from data on the Egyptian internet Anonymous, a “hacktivist” group rebel forces must now fi nd ways to accused terrorists of the outage. “It is blackout of 2011, writes “offi cials can known for its reactionary hacking cam- strike onward in preparation for future not true that the state cut the Internet,” either close down the routers which di- paigns, announced its intentions to telecommunication crackdowns by he said, “The terrorists targeted the In- rect traffi c over the border — hermeti- target all Syrian government websites Assad’s forces. ternet lines, resulting in some regions cally sealing the country from outsid- hosted outside the country. They called december 5, 2012 the paper page 9

#YouAreWhatYouTweet Employers deeply interested in your profound, drunken social media ramblings by Stephanie Colombini My age group is in an especially road blocks in the future. It will render communication is the way to success, Staff Xanga awkward position in all of this: young success impossible for anyone enter- but if companies want to fi nd me on Recently, I was held up at gunpoint. enough that some quickly embraced ing the media fi eld, but for those of you LinkedIn, I better be there. Rather than OK, #notliterally, but my boss did give the new technology when it came out, non-comm majors thinking, “oh well, spend my time hating the fact that em- me an ultimatum: Get a Twitter, or while old enough that others, like my- not my problem,” think again. ployers take interest in what people are don’t get a job. self, decided we preferred sticking to My stubbornness led to research on Tweeting, I ought to focus on posting A guest speaker at my radio intern- our ways. Turns out that’s simply not the extent of social media’s infi ltration, some informed and insightful ones of ship insited social media is crucial to an option, at least for me, who wants and I found some enlightening stuff. my own. This economy is too fucked up future success, and it has been eating to enter the Communications fi eld. We A Forbes article titled “Beware, Tech and cutthroat to pass up precious op- at me ever since. I have been so busy don’t have the same privileges older, Abandoners. People Without Facebook portunities over a stubborn resistance living my brick and mortar life that I more experienced people have, who al- Accounts Are ‘Suspicious,’” and its to change. didn’t realize the wave of social media ready established themselves in their follow-up, “You Don’t Need a Facebook I recently read about a movement crashing down on the world was actual- industries and proved their cyber-free Account To Be Considered Normal (But on Twitter called #GivingTuesday, a ly of tidal size, fl ooding the minds of not work is still substantial. As a junior, It Helps)” include insight from employ- call for everyone to give back and be just my teenage sister and her friends getting an internship has become a top ers, social media experts, and tech re- charitable in response to the mate- but, well, everybody. Businesses every- priority as graduation looms ahead, a sisters, all debating over the titles’ ri- rial madness of Black Friday and Cyber where are using social media to con- lot closer than I’m choosing to admit, diculous claims that have become sad Monday. After I got over the eye-roll nect, recruit, and market, and who do when walking out of school with a job truths. inducing title (I HATE hashtags), I was they want to handle this new technol- will be absolutely essential. I’ll do On not being on a social network, actually impressed, and realized that ogy? You guessed it, us tech-savvy, whatever it takes to get ahead, so if it’s Curtis Midkiff, social director of Society social media can do great things when smart-phone-glued-to-hand youth…oh Tweeting, well, I guess I better get my for Human Resource Management has used appropriately. If this medium is wait – that’s not me at all. shit together and set up an account. this to say: “It’s like when you’re at a currently the most effective way to I’ve been so preoccupied hating the I’m pretty technologically chal- professional event and someone says spread messages to as many people cyber revolution, I failed to notice every- lenged, though not entirely. I prided they don’t have a business card. It’s as possible, why not take advantage of one else jumping on the bandwagon. I myself on being one of the fi rst in my awkward…you’re not putting yourself in it? If someone could just help me fi g- remember, even in recent years, telling class to get a Myspace back in middle front of people’s eyes. It suggests that ure out what that little blue bird button adults that not having a Twitter was a school, but sometime shortly after my you’re not as prepared as you should does, I think I just might. good thing, like “at least I’m not one of millionth “What [insert pointless label] be.” FUCK, I thought to myself, in a those people!” I thought social media Are You?” quiz and Top 8 rearrange- thought cocktail of Is this really where was reserved for the college-and-un- ment, it became universally creepy, the world is going, and Dammit, he’s der demographic, that once I entered and everyone switched to Facebook. right! the “real world” these kinds of things Good thing I followed suit: Facebook The Internet is indeed where the wouldn’t matter. But as the real and has become the ID card of modern so- world is going. To some, this points cyber worlds are quickly melding into ciety. Our parents’ and teachers’ pleas to an innovative future; to others, it’s one, the odds of escaping the latter for us to delete our accounts in order a sign of the Apocalypse. I identifi ed have all but diminished. I have never to prevent others from seeing pictures with this latter group for years, but been a fan of following the crowd, but of our drunken exploits are not com- now I have no choice but to face the if it’s the difference between Starbucks pletely pointless; you should defi nitely facts and embrace the new technol- and success, I guess I’m all in. clean up your page, but going off the ogy; I’ll never get anywhere rejecting grid completely will only lead to more it. I still fi rmly believe good face-to-face page 10 the paper december 5, 2012

Surviving the Holidays at Home Do take advantage of cheaper alco- hol and cigarettes From family bonding to phone sex, the paper has you covered The downside to NYC is that everything costs more. You’re a poor college stu- by Rachel Dougherty Three weeks of “you” time is such a ple around. Old friends will probably be dent, so save money while you can at Staff Holiday Fun Timez blessing. However, it is challenging to wanting the same sort of company. Do home. avoid becoming entirely comatose. something light hearted together and Do check your bags Don’t bring more than you want to Find a television series you’ve always relive the glory days or something like Now by check your bags, I mean that carry in your transport back to the BX wanted to watch, a place you’ve always that. you should review them for what you’ve The walk from anywhere to your local wanted to go, a relationship you’ve al- Don’t feel accountable to them packed. But you could also check place of residence in the Bronx is hell ways wanted to work on, an art project Your old friends probably aren’t active them and not lug them through the with luggage. Especially if that luggage you’ve always wanted to mess with and members in your life right now. Since airport with you everywhere you go. is full of heavy bottles. Also, keep in DO IT! they are not your current support struc- Winter break is all about relaxing after mind that only certain quantities of Don’t exert any large amount of en- ture, don’t feel like you have to make a stressful end to the semester. Espe- things can be fl own back with you de- ergy on it a huge effort in dealing with the emo- cially after this set of fi nals, you’re not pending on laws and security. Three weeks of “you” time is a blessing. tional side of friendships. going to want to worry about packing Come January 14th we will back here everything into a carry-on sized bag Do make your family feed you and expected to perform. It’s important Do designate a driver and keeping track of it once you’re There is nothing like a home-cooked to stockpile the amount of sleep that Driving drunk is a thing that kills and through security. meal. Home is a place with meals a you get so that come the semester, injures people. Funerals and hospitals Don’t forget about airport security recipes you probably don’t get at col- are a bad way to spend and ille- lege. the holidays. galities and Don’t take it for granted Don’t be an asshole such Just remember, you’ll be back with So- FFamilyamily ffun!un! about who you desig- Your bags dexo before long. nate will go Everyone should have through a se- Do lie an equal opportunity curity scan. Unless you’ve got one of those awe- to get shit faced. Un- Your lighters some child-parent relationships that is less you have a friend and tiny piec- more like a friendship, your parents do who chooses to be so- es of miss- not need to know the details of your go- ber all of the time, do ing bud and ings on. not make the same half-full bot- Don’t tell the truth person drive each tles should Some say the truth will set you free. I night. not be in say that the partial truth is much safer your bags. If and more liberating. Do spend some qual- you’re tak- ity time with the fam- ing the same Do laundry (for free) ily bag home Whether you do laundry on campus or They miss you. They that you take off, it’s hard to argue with how easy it is are a huge part of with you to do it at home. Everything you need is why you are able to do when you go out, be diligent and re- right there and the machines are much that fi rst all-nighter won’t hurt as badly. what you do now. Give them the time of move all incriminating materials. more reliable. day they deserve. Don’t leave incriminating things in Do revisit a place you used to like Don’t talk (politics, god, etc) Do take advantage of the alcohol that your pockets for family members to Whether it’s your high school or your Playing games, watching football, what- will be circulating fi nd in the dryer favorite coffee shop, pay it a visit. It’s ever non-verbal activities your family If your family drinks, I promise they Given that you’re sharing the machines always important to recognize what de- likes are the safest bet. Conversations drink with more variety and class then with your family, you might not want cisions you made in the past and who with family can go south very quickly, you do at Fordham. Your family’s liquor lighters or condoms or whatever else you used to be. so it’s best not to talk about anything cabinet is arguably well stocked, and falling out in the dryer for everyone to Don’t judge yourself too hard of substance. Or just don’t talk at all. the best part is you didn’t pay to stock see. Hopefully you’ve done some growing it. since you left home. Especially af- Do have phone sex Don’t get sloppy around the family Do go ter coming to college, let alone NYC, If you’ve got a signifi cant other or sex As fun and easy and necessary knock- When in doubt, just do it. Distance from perspectives on home and who you buddy, keep in touch. three weeks with ing back drinks around the family is, the city can be very therapeutic. Plus, used to be might be a bit different. Re- only self-service can get lonely. getting sloppy in front of Grandma is being home can be relaxing. If nothing member that the experiences you had Don’t have phone sex at 2pm in the probably not a great choice. You should else, a change of scenery will do you helped turn you into the person you are kitchen avoid letting your parents think they some good. now. You are no longer in your dorm room pay $50,000 a year to enable your al- Don’t go or apartment. There might be family coholism. If your family is hell, avoiding home is Do hang out with old friends members or pets wandering around an option. It might break your mother’s Unless you like holing yourself away who are not ready to hear you whisper- Do fi nd a project heart and make this list obsolete, but and being a loner, it’s good to have peo- ing sweet nothings and orgasming. you can just not go. page 11 the paper december 5, 2012 The Fight For Cooper Union NYC’s only free institution of higher education faces potentially lethal financial woes by Valerie Heinmets exemplar method for running a school. alumni. This is understandably diffi cult fl icting information combined with a This means the reason for their when the alumni it is depending on for general lack of any real numbers from Features & List Editor recent faltering is hard to pin down, large donations are also artists, an in- the school itself make it impossible for I’ve lost count of the number of mostly because of a lack of informa- famously impoverished demographic. the public, but especially the members times I’ve informed someone that I tion from the school’s administration Most of its donations, as reported on of the students and faculty of Cooper can’t go to Mugz’s with them on a Fri- itself, but it isn’t diffi cult to see some the schools website--also the only men- itself, to know how to proceed in saving day night because I’m seeing my best serious fl aws. For example, at the tion of the school’s fi nances on their their institution. friend from high school. time that article was written, Cooper website--state the alumni donations Despite these roadblocks, the fac- “Oh, where does he go?” had just completed construction of its amounted to $3.1 million last year, a ulty itself have been charged with “Cooper Union.” new academic building on 40 Cooper paltry amount when faced with a defi cit coming up with creative plans to help “What’s that?” Square, an expansive modern architec- as high as $28 million. raise revenue. One of the most popu- I’m never entirely sure how to an- tural masterpiece that cost the school The bulk of the school’s main op- lar options is to open up Master’s pro- swer that without sounding like the about $150 million, which took a $175 erating funds come from an even grams which would be innovative and worst kind of person. That’s because million loan to cover costs without any stranger source, specifi cally the land groundbreaking, while charging tuition. Cooper Union is arguably the best art clear plan of how that money was to be beneath New York City’s landmark How seriously these proposals are be- school in the country that offers full ing taken remains to be seen, as the tuition scholarships to each of its nine administration’s inclination towards hundred students. full tuition seems more and more inevi- Usually I just say, “It’s an art school,” table. The administration and board of because really, how pretentious does trustees have said that charging tuition that sound? Cooper Union, though, is should be a last-ditch effort, but their much more than an art school, it is a actions do not seem to refl ect that. famed institution and hallowed estab- Tuition will not be charged to cur- lishment of New York City and the art, rent students, but that has not stopped architecture, and technological world massive student outcry, including dem- alike. It is also in serious trouble. onstrations, lock-ins, and protests. The Founded in 1859 and offering full idea of charging tuition, either now or scholarships to each of its students in the future, is a very literal abandon- since 1902, Cooper Union is based on ment of the core the Cooper Union was the idea of a top-notch education “as SSomewhereomewhere iinn tthehe built upon. As Cooper Alum Milton Gla- free as air and water.” Peter Cooper, MMultiverse,ultiverse, thethe spiritspirit ser, and designer of the I Love NY logo, the New York City philanthropist also ooff PeterPeter CCooperooper aandnd said, “It’s a contradiction to everything behind Peter Cooper Village, worked hhisis beardbeard wweepeep we’ve learned about Cooper. It’s the tirelessly for equality for lower and last opportunity for free education on middle class New Yorkers. His Cooper that level in the entire country.” Union, offering three different schools Indeed, in an academic world made for students of art, architecture, and payed back. Chrysler Building. In lieu of the taxes largely inaccessible to so may people engineering, is a lasting testament to George Campbell, president during being paid to the city, the taxes on the as costs continually rise astronomi- this vision. the time of the building’s construction, land get paid directly to Cooper, a move cally, defending the integrity of Cooper However, it has slowly been revealed maintains that its creation has nothing that has been taken to court multiple is not only important to their own stu- that the school is operating on a $16.5- to do with the school’s current fi nancial times, but upheld because the trade- dents now and in the future, but also 28 million budget defi cit, a number crisis. Campbell defends the school’s off between funding Cooper and the to anyone who anywhere in their heart changing depending on whether you decision, saying that the cost of reno- contribution the school gives to the city believes that higher education should read the Journal or the Times. The defi - vations to the older academic building by offering a top-notch and free educa- not be a privilege, but a civil right avail- cit, though is so potentially damaging in keeping up with the demands of the tion to its students has been deemed a able to anyone who seeks it out. The that it has caused the administration caveat of education that Cooper em- worthy cause. idea that this could be lost because of to consider desperate measures to bodies would’ve outweighed the cost The amount that the school actually mistakes and bad investments made save the school, even including charg- of building a new one entirely. receives from the land has been re- by administration is devastating. ing its students tuition. The truth of this statement remains ported to be around $12 million annu- So, yes. In short, the Cooper Union Cooper Union President Jamshed to be seen. ally, still well below the school’s report- does sound pretentious. However, it is Bharucha, who took over the position Besides this recent turn of events, ed $57 million yearly operating budget. one of the last standing models of a in July 2011, has stepped into some- it still seems mysterious that an art The school itself is divided on how truly democratic higher education sys- thing of a living nightmare, inheriting a school has managed to stay tuition it wants administration to proceed. tem for all people, and one that should fi nancial disaster that no one knew was free for the past century, even given Overwhelmingly, there has been an be defended at all costs. happening. Cooper’s fi nancial model its relatively small size. The answers outcry for more transparency from the was even reported by the Wall Street add to the bizarre humor that is the administration, the actions of which Journal as recently as 2009 to be an history of Cooper. For one, the school before Bharucha had largely remained depends largely on donations from entirely in secret. The amount of con- page 12 the paper december 5 2012 Eloquentia Imperfecta by Lindsay Javitz Non-majors ruining your courses and your future Staff Scholar courses, a social science course, get quire 6-7 courses. In short, the Core Curriculum seeks to to a 2000 foreign language level, a We are certainly learning a lot from provide all Fordham students with the We just passed that time of the year fi ne arts course, a history course, a all of that. liberal arts background that will pre- when registration starts opening up globalism course, an American plu- Thankfully, some courses can count pare them for the challenges and op- and students plan their class sched- ralism course, take two higher level toward the core and a major. For ex- portunities of the future. ules for next semester. Like most other courses from a choice of social sci- ample, the course Money and Banking One of its objectives may also be to sophomores, I tried to fi gure out which ence, history, or literature, an inter- counts for both the advance social sci- help students fi nd a major. However, fi ve courses to take that would not only disciplinary capstone course, and a ence core requirement and the eco- one student I interviewed felt that after give me credits towards the Core Cur- values seminar. We also need to take nomics major. you know what you want to study, the riculum, but would also allow me to ad- courses with Eloquentia Perfecta 1, 2, Yet it seems as if I am not alone in core’s purpose hold you back. “I know vance in my major and minor. 3, and 4 status. my opinion on this matter. that it’s supposed to help us decide While making my schedule, I realized On top of all of that, we need to One student I interviewed feels that what to major in, but it really hinders that I was picking attending college us once we know what we’re going to classes just because means being able major in,” said Alexandra Gostanian, they overlapped the to explore all op- FCRH’15. core with my Commu- tions but the core Moreover, it’s no surprise that any nications major and defeats that objec- thoughts that I get about changing my not because those tive. “College is all major are quickly gone out of fear that courses necessar- about exploring our a change of major might lead me to not ily interested me. I options and by tell- graduate on time. Unfortunately, that did so because I feel ing us we have to stance leads me to feeling stuck. pressure to fi nish all take certain cours- Koc mentioned that the core makes of the universities re- es, that just de- you feel caught on one road. “It doesn’t quirements in a time- feats the purpose,” allow us to focus more on our major ly manner. and also we are stuck to a certain path TThehe Core:Core: MMakingaking truetrue said Monica Koc, Finals are loom- that we can’t steer away from.” RRenaissanceenaissance menmen andand FCRH’15. ing and I am already Another student felt that Fordham’s wwomenomen The university stressed out about does have a pur- core is so excessive that it takes away papers, tests, and pose in mandating the option of taking courses one fi nds other assignments. the Core Curricu- interesting. “I’m in the business school I should not have lum. On Fordham and I already took a history course and to add fi nishing the University’s web- a philosophy course my fi rst semes- core curriculum to site, it states that ter,” said Shawna Ostiguy, GSB’15. “I the things I stress the purpose of the shouldn’t have to take another history out about. I came to Core Curriculum is course instead of an elective that inter- college to learn more to satisfy curiosity, ests me, how will that help me in my about items that in- increase ones de- future?” terest me, not to fi ll sire to learn, and Though the core curriculum at Ford- requirements. lay the foundations ham is useful and we learn a ton, a As a Fordham Col- to succeed for life. smaller core would help take pressure lege Rose Hill student, my classmates complete a major and, more often “Hence, the common Core Curriculum off of us to fi nish before graduation and I are expected to take one writ- than not, a minor. The number of is designed to nurture curiosity, inspire and allow us to take courses that inter- ing course, one literature course, one courses a major requires varies from a love of learning, and to provide stu- est us which aren’t part of our major or math course, two science courses, communications with 11 courses to dents with the foundations that they the core. two philosophy courses, two theology anthropology with 8. Most minors re- will need to engage in lifelong learning. december 5, 2012 the paper page 13

The War On Men the paper’s view: Earning the MRS degree one laundry basket In 2013, Get Ready to Take a Ride at the by Lauren Duca at a time Free Speech Amusement Park Co-Editor in Chief so that’s the sad state of things. It’s a scene we’ve all seen before. Women are scooping up education Some days, don’t you just want to rant” here, but what’s the point of A helpless, bumbling man, tearing and the jobs it qualifi es them for, and strip down and storm Eddie’s in the free speech that never bothers any- through a refrigerator fi lled with diges- to make things worse they’ve found nude? Or plaster McGinley Center in one? Let us invoke patron saint Ra- tive-system-regulating yogurt. His wife a co-conspirator in that single acting advertisements for your one-person chel Maddow: “Demonstrations are is on the phone, talking of strawberry monolith: The Media (which, of course, show or pass out condoms at your not designed to make people like cheesecake and key lime pie. He ri- Fox is not a part). AIDS awareness event or speak out the people who are demonstrating. fl es through the shelves, in desperate This lack of “marriageable” men is about sexual violence or scream that, Demonstrations are designed to be search of the pastries. “This is all just “women’s fault,” Venker asserts. “After in 2011, the average Fordham student inconvenient. They’re designed to be YOGURT!” his terrifi ed eyes seem to decades of browbeating the American had $38,151 in student debt--a fi gure in the way, so that we can stop ignor- cry out. As a man, he has every right male, men are tired.” They are “an- that keeps on rising? ing something that we’ve grown too to have his crumb cake and eat it, too. gry” and “defensive,” ultimately frigid Well, with some effort, you can. In comfortable with.” Amen. He has been promised deserts, and is feminists, fooled into thinking assert- the seventies, Fordham students oc- Like the city it inhabits, Fordham’s being denied. ing their autonomy will benefi t them. cupied the President’s Offi ce in protest. public spaces have been depoliticized When his wife gets off the phone, They will lose in the end, Venker as- One year, a few decades back, the pa- and sanitized. To paraphrase David she laughs at her evil little trick. After sures us. Men just want to provide for per staff brought an old car onto cam- Harvey in his new book, Rebel Cities, all that ranting and raving, it turns out women, but women won’t let them! All pus and invited people to hit it with a Fordham’s public spaces today exist the yogurts are dessert fl avored. She that feminism has done is lead to “sex sledgehammer. Every few years, stu- for Bulfamante & Sons’ well-groomed rolls her eyes and fl ips her new-wave- at hello” and men who can live with dents hand out scandalous, “illegal” shrubbery, not its people. Consider- feminism-short hair, leaving her poor their girlfriends with “no consequences condoms on Spring Weekend through ing the legacy of activism, art, and husband feeling dejected and, frank- whatsoever.” It’s all so unfortunate for the Great American Condom Cam- expression universities--including ly, emasculated. She takes pride in women. paign. Just last spring, in response to Fordham!--share, the silence on our using her woman food to shame him. So, ladies, if you’re reading…stop. racism and a perceived lack of universi- campus is jarring. Global Outreach If she was a feminine woman, she You shouldn’t be learning or cultivat- ty support, students led a march across bake sales should not make up the would tie that apron around her baby- ing your worldview. How dare you earn campus and a rally in Fordham Plaza. majority of what goes on in a univer- making hips and make her husband a college degree in hopes of stealing But, of course, events like those sity’s public sphere. strawberry cheesecake, key lime pie, a position from a man? There’s some- are few and far between. Anti-racist Fordham wants you to be polite. or whatever her husband damn well thing wrong if your head isn’t shoved in students fi gured that working with the But, post Coulter, students are real- pleases. Alas, gone are the days of a book, unless its pages contain reci- NYPD and rallying in Fordham Plaza izing the inconsistencies in university proper gender roles in the kitchen, pes. Clean some dishes. Do some laun- would be more effective than doing so policy and asking why it is so stifl ing. and any other room of the house for dry, and offer to do your boyfriend’s as on Eddie’s. After all, the univesity shut According to administators like that matter! well. The only reason you should even down a vigil for victims of the war in Dean Rodgers the university is not a What’s worse is the sexist way men be at university is to fi nd a man to put Afghanistan just a few semesters ago. “free speech amusement park.” are portrayed in commercials. This a ring on your fi nger. So, paint that face The students, you see, hadn’t fi led the Take a moment to imagine topless insulting characterization general- and keep an eye out for a man to call proper paperwork. women riding roller coasters next to izes all men. It has almost become a you his own. It’s that simple, girls. As As the paper noted in its last issue, KKK members. Done? Now maybe motif in the advertisement of house- Vernker says, “All [women] have to do is Fordham students do not have true think about what free speech on hold goods. Women wield Windex and surrender to their nature – their femi- free speech on campus. The same is campus might mean for you as an in- their men walk head-fi rst into freshly ninity- and let men surrender to theirs.” true for academic freedom, which Fa- dividual and as part of the Fordham cleaned windows. How defi ant of While I have your attention, keep ther McShane lauded in his Ann Coul- community. As USG and other stu- nature! These commercials and the your eyes peeled for the War on Whites. ter beat down. As the University notes dent groups prepare to reignite the message they perpetuate are hateful Do you realize there is no white history in its offi cial policy for hosting speak- fi ght for free speech, refl ect on the and insulting to the very institution month? Like, just try and tell me re- ers, “This enjoyment of the freedom many aspects of student life affected of marriage. Of all the blatant acts of verse racism doesn’t exist. to express points of view on the widest by the current policies. How can they predjudice and discrimination in the range of public and private concerns be changed to foster the “academic world today, surely this is the worst. LLOLOLOLOLOLOL WWOMENOMEN R must, however, be subject to reason- freedom” McShane proclaimed in his The war on men must stop!! IINFERIORNFERIOR able restrictions of time, place, and triumphant email? As the semester As Suzanne Venker wrote for every- manner.” comes to a close, fi gure out where one’s favorite branch of government, Fordham policy--included there, in you stand and don’t forget to ask Fox News, “The men have nowhere to the demonstration policy, and in the questions. Get ready to give ‘em hell go.” She discusses how women “com- university handbook--argues that “free in 2013. plain” there are no good men, which speech and expression does not in- of course means, “marriageable” clude unlawful activity” or anything that men, and blames this on women’s disrupts the normal functions of the earning of degrees and monopoliz- University. ing of the workplace – noting, “you’ll Not to get all “freshmen dorm room never hear all that in the media.” And page 14 the paper december 5, 2012 reason “Sorry, I just ate,” wasn’t a good Finding Yourself in the Backseat enough excuse. Things were on and off like this un- by The Boy Next Door Erotica cleverly posing as an Opinions piece til the summer before coming to Ford- Staff Ho Fo Sho ham. As a bored college student home my driveway so he could take us to the rows of the suburban stowed away, we for the long stretch, it was only natu- empty parking lot of the town pool. Un- were given ample room to corrupt my ral for him to approach me about fi nd- After surviving the cartoonish awk- derstandably, our little rendezvous was childhood memories of playgrounds ing weed connections. Side note, one wardness of my fi rst year of high school, graceless; giving one’s fi rst blowjob and cursive by having sex right in the connection dealt weed in her surplus sophomore year seemed full of prom- and humping in the co-pilot seat of his parking lot. It was certainly a “Teenage Juicy Couture earring boxes. Isn’t that ise. I was a slightly larger fi sh in a hor- mother’s E-Class wasn’t necessarily ro- Dream” moment: mere innocent virgin grand? monally charged pond, ready to take mantic. no longer! Anyway, there were several occa- on the challenges of driving school, In the days and weeks that followed, The allure of impurity was short sions in which we’d smoke and hook the statewide aptitude test, and what- our relations soured. All I wanted was lived. He made sure to let me know up in his basement. There was one ever else the world had to throw at me. to replicate the events of the parking that our public display of affection was time in particular that has since been With the impetus of popularity hang- lot, but he was resistant. His bicurious not because he was gay, but because seared into my memory. After taking ing above my head, I was de- a monster hit from his mini termined to make a name for bong (“That’s going to de- myself, and at last claim the stroy you,” he told me), we distinction of “cool” that I so went into his basement and rightfully deserved. started making out on the Unfortunately, preparedness couch. A frequent impedi- and social climbing weren’t my ment to these sessions was forté. As someone who was his easily excitable dog. If he sexually questioning, slightly wasn’t barking and threat- bookish, and unwilling to toss ening to wake up sleeping around the old pigskin, I was family members upstairs, often at odds with a majority he was scratching, jump- of my peers. A sort of sociable ing, or refusing to go away. misfi t, I found myself forging As we rounded third base peculiar relationships with on that fateful night, I—on others in my predicament, the my knees—felt the undeni- most riveting of which with a able weight of paws on my senior on the cross country shoulders. Before I knew team. it, a Labrador retriever was He was brooding and prob- voraciously molesting me. lem-ridden, but a solid com- Being so high and so utterly panion when the time came to violated, I was subjected to give up on the day’s workout a case of hysterical laughter and hide in the woods. The so severe that I had to go exact conception of our friend- home. ship is fuzzy, but its sudden- Since then, there have ness was fostered by our end- been other instances of late less IM conversations. Like I night lust and detrimental said, he was slightly troubled, LLookook aatt yyourour llife,ife, looklook dogs, but when I think about and was coping with a fi ckle aatt youryour cchoiceshoices it, I can’t even begin to de- pseudo-girlfriend and his over- fi ne our relationship. He was worked, “overbearing” mother. appetite could only be satisfi ed when he had an unquenchable thirst for the and still can be an asshole. He was After he revealed his own bicuriousity, he was mind-blowingly high, and he male anatomy. With that, I took my fi rst actually at rehab that one summer— I was more than willing to play thera- kept telling me that he didn’t like guys walk of shame back to my house, par- though was mostly in Nantucket—and pist, and to overlook the fact that he so much as he was a straight guy with tially defeated, but mostly cursing him has been back since. He has subject- was a moderate to severe asshole. At a penis fetish. Whatever that meant. for being such an insufferable bastard. ed me to canine molestation, fashion the time, I had yet to even kiss a guy, It wasn’t until the spring that our lust In the months that followed, what- foward drugs, and back seat fornica- and the chance of tasting forbidden blossomed like so many beautiful fl ow- ever we had between us fell apart. tion. At this point I’m either seeming fruit was too great to pass up on. A true ers. There was another car blowjob, this He lied to me about going to rehab all shameless, unfortunate, or both, but master of subtlety, I often suggested time before track practice, and his pas- summer long so that he didn’t have the fact of the matter is I still have this that he forget about the girlfriend and sive aggressive tendencies had subsid- to talk to me, and then left for college undeniable feeling of attachment. It hook up with me. He didn’t end up go- ed to hospitable levels. One afternoon, in the fall. There was the occasional, was he that helped me discover my ing for the pity bargain. I told my mom that I was going for a run unclothed Skype session, but noth- sexual identity, he that has been an Then one night in November, there (in writing this, I’m realizing how much ing more. Around Christmas time, he unexpected friend in a town that I am was a fl urry of texts and IMs telling fucking running I did in those days), stopped by for a quickie while my friend often disaffected by. Even if he was just me that—if I wanted to hook up with but really I was meeting him at my for- waited upstairs. He couldn’t get it up, in it for my penis, he was my fi rst, the him—I should meet him at the end of mer elementary school. With the back and I asked him to leave. For some one you can never forget. december 5, 2012 the paper page 15 vide us amusement. One scene includes a livid Democrat from Indiana fi ring his pistol at one of the red-faced men as he attempts to bribe him. I felt displeased by every scene that they were in and would A R T S describe their presence as just another example of unnecessary fl uff in the fi lm. The fi nal hour of the fi lm drags as we are forced to endure an overly-dramatized fi nal vote in the House of Representatives. Foolish speeches and name calling con- sume several minutes of our lives before a fi nal tally is taken and the hall. Spiel- berg masterfully places roughly a dozen African-Americans in the viewing deck of the hall so as to up the drama, making politicians visualize those whose rights they were determining. Who knows if they were actually on hand, but the subtlety of their presence was ever so powerful as the audience nervously watches the bal- lots get tallied. I sat on the edge of my seat through the harrowing minutes, uncertain if there would be a Thirteenth Amendment Spielberg’s Lincoln Fails to Live Up to All the Hype passed. Praise be to the skilled crafter of fi lm for the inclusion of such suspense Epic biopic is nothing more than a Disney movie for adults and social commentary. Ultimately I let out an enormous sigh of relief as we hear to four articulate well-read soldiers like a State William Seward, a shrewd character by John O’Neill from Lincoln’s offi ce joyous bells ring- wise father. The soldiers then dramatically who is seemingly devoted to, if question- ing across the capitol city. Exited hoards News Co-Editor march off into their lines, bidding farewell ing of Lincoln. Seward meets a band of of white humans spill out into the ankle Steven Spielberg’s fi lm Lincoln is a de- to the President as he continues to sit drunkards and fools who he convinces deep mud streets, dancing and signing at piction of the life of the sixteenth Presi- on this oddly the news that African-Americans across dent of the United States and his work to placed wood- JJohnohn O’Neill:O’Neill: fanfan ooff LLincoln,incoln, bbutut the nation would now be free from the hell pass the Thirteenth Amendment all the en platform. nnotot tthehe mmovie.ovie. of slavery. After that, Lincoln gets shot and while leading the nation through a time This irritating then the image of a lit candle fades into of unparalleled toil and division. Daniel scene was that of Lincoln giving his second inaugu- Day-Lewis, perhaps most famous for his cheesy, unbe- ral speech. Oh and the South surrenders. performance in the 2007 fi lm There Will lievable and That too is depicted, including a dramatic be Blood, delivers yet another phenom- just gener- march over another smokey battlefi eld. enal performance. Day-Lewis gives the ally shitty, but Overall, Lincoln was too much corn audience a riveting and convincing por- lucky for me, and fl uff. Steven Spielberg makes Disney trayal of Lincoln. The President shown to the two and movies for adults. He takes morals, les- audiences, is a brilliant and resilient man a half hour sons, and signifi cant historical events and who endures the loss of two sons and long movie waters them down to the point that they a troublesome marriage, but somehow wasn’t entirely can be comprehended by the masses. manages to hold in such insurmountable full of phony- Perhaps that’s just my opinion as a jaded pain for the good of the nation. Unfortu- ass scenes arrogant asshole, but I don’t think I’m nately though, a good deal of the fi lm like this. We wrong. Lincoln is another example of an deals with the work to pass the Thirteenth move along to important event and set of lessons that Amendment and the struggle of passing probably an has been made easy to understand with it through the Senate. Also unfortunate hour of cabi- a sack of buttery popcorn and a garbage is that the story of our best president is net meetings, can of soda at the googolplex. Daniel Day- brought to the big screen by one Steven senate wrangling, and introduced to a with a small sum of silver and likely a good Lewis is phenomenal, as are most of the Spielberg. slew of characters. Tommy Lee Jones ap- deal of whiskey to go about and bribe actors, but the attempts at humor and pe- I felt disheartened by the fi rst fi ve pears as Thaddeus Stevens, the radical Democratic congressmen to vote in favor riodic historical inaccuracies are irksome minutes of the movie, a cheesy Spiel- abolitionist Representative from Penn- of Lincoln’s uncertain Thirteenth Amend- and sink the movie in my view. It’s not the bergesque scene where four soldiers sylvania. Jones is a great actor and I will ment proposal. The band is seemingly worst thing out there, but if you’re going to come up to Lincoln and recite the Get- forever love him for his performance in No brought in by Spielberg for comic relief talk about Lincoln, then for Christ’s sake tysburg Address to him. The odd scene in- Country for Old Men, but his Texas drawl and the attempt falls fl at on its face. Com- do it right. My non-existent hat is off to cludes Lincoln, who is sitting on a platform makes his Pennsylvania heritage in the ical infusions of whistles and pipes are Daniel Day-Lewis, but Spielberg, and ulti- alone in this smokey battlefront camp. fi lm seem suspect. thrown in to let audiences know that the mately his fi lms, suck. From his rickety wooden seat, he speaks David Strathairn plays Secretary of galavanting drunkards are meant to pro- page 16 the paper december 5, 2012 FIT Puts Ivy League Style On Display in Murder Dungeon SHOWS Fashion exhibit features decades of preppy menswear, but misses mark Who: Blue Scholars by Liam Lowery to “head to Brooks and buy some re- tus. The oldest piece in the exhibit was Where: The Bowery Ballroom Staff Beer Suit ally good suits”. Another wall solely a beer suit from the 1840s and the When: Thursday December 13, explained infl uence of Brooks Brothers newest pieces were shitty cardigans by doors at 8:00 pm, show at 9:00 I love menswear. You might not know in American sartorial history. The store Tommy Hilfi ger and the Band of Outsid- pm it from looking at me when I am in my was founded in 1818, and had one of ers 2012 collection. How Much: $15 two dollar sweatpants on the Oh, what was that I said? A Why: Amidst the incredibly large way to class (Shout out to Ar- BBeereer suits:suits: 100%100% notnot terrifying.terrifying. “beer suit?” My mistake, I’ll ex- shadow now cast by Macklemore thur Dollar!), but I yearn for the plain. First worn at Princeton, and Ryan Lewis stand countless days of old when students were which was hailed at the exhibit talented hip-hop groups from Se- expected to wear suits to class as the most “aristocratic” of attle, at the forefront of which and wear striped ties to refl ect Ivies, the beer suit was worn stand Blue Scholars. With an their campus affi liations. When only by seniors to cover their outstanding amount of energy in I found out that there was an fi ner attire during evenings of their performance, an extreme- exhibit called “Ivy Style” at the debauchery. Remember, this is ly lengthy resumé of awesome Museum at the Fashion Insti- a time when men had only one tracks, and a wide array of beats tute of Technology, and that or two suits and still wanted to ranging from rowdy to chill, the the exhibit was free, two of my party hard. Basically, the beer Blue Scholars are a part of Se- great loves were fi nally united. suit is a pair of water-repellant attle hip-hop that should not be I decided to go to the exhibit, coveralls with the student’s slept on. The lyrics, the beats, running September 14 to Janu- class information and nick- and enjoyment simply do not stop ary 5, the very day I learned of name printed on it. Men were coming. it. required to wear these beer I made my way to Chelsea on suits to all of their class re- Who: Matisyahu the 1 train. Conveniently, (es- unions until their twenty-fi fth. Where: The Capitol Theatre pecially since I also bought my Only then were they allowed to When: Sunday December 16, coat from the dollar store), the wear their sexy school blazer to doors at 6:30 pm, show at 8:00 museum is less than a block the reunion. (Unless they went pm away from the station. Upon to Princeton, since that blazer How Much: $30 entering the museum, the ex- was orange and not doing any- Why: The renowned artist is put- hibit is down a staircase in the one any sartorial favors. Stick to ting on a special acoustic show basement. While the signage the beer suit, Tigers.) These tra- in honor of the Festival of Lights. was beautiful, with “Ivy Style” ditions still remain today, so it That’s right - a Hassidic Jewish printed in large block letters would have been more interest- rapper will be performing an in- encircled by ivy leaves, it was ing to me to trace the changes timate show for Hannukah. This hard not to notice that the ex- in beer suits over time instead will be an educational experience hibit was in a poorly lit base- of just showing the 1840s relic. for Gentiles, and a thoroughly ment. Maybe this was for ambiance, the fi rst “college stores,” which created On that note, it is a shame that the ex- cool time for all. but the lighting made it diffi cult to read school blazers for Ivy League colleges hibit emphasized pieces individually in- the signs makes me think not. A CD of and was where Ivy men were supposed stead of more thoroughly investigating Who: Solange Ivy League school songs played in the to shop before college and after. how political, cultural, and economic Where: The Bowery Ballroom background on repeat. While this might This being said, it’s simply unfair to changes have infl uenced Ivy Style over When: Tuesday December 18, have been fun upstairs, in the dark say that every element of Ivy Style was time. There is a reason that menswear doors at 8:00 pm, show at 9:00 basement it felt very murder-y. defi ned by Brooks Brothers. The compa- fans recommend buying vintage instead How Much: $22-$25 Though the exhibit is in its waning ny’s sponsorship of the event defi nitely of new and Brooks Brothers instead of Why: You’ve probably heard Sol- days and I went on a Saturday after- stretched its infl uence. For instance, Hilfi ger; they don’t make ‘em like they ange’s name once or twice over noon, I was the only person there for there was a large hole in the exhibit’s used to. This exhibit could have showed the years, mostly just cited as the entirety of my visit. I had expected footwear collection--a key piece of the why the quality of menswear has deteri- Beyonce’s sister. Luckily, she’s to spend a day at the museum, but style’s history. orated while prices have increased, but starting make her way out from since the collection, while impressive, The collection was predominantly it failed to make that connection. Com- her sister’s massive shadow and took up a room about quarter the size pre-war Brooks Brothers clothing, but paring a paper thin Tommy Hilfi ger car- is establishing a name for herself of Lombardi Gymnasium, with a total of sought to show pieces from the style digan to a beautiful, century-old Gant in the industry. Her voice is deli- just over thirty mannequins, it wound over time... Signage conveyed a simpli- sweater was perhaps the most horrify- cate and gorgeous, and the beats up being a rather quick trip. fi ed fashion history, where prep style ing thing I have ever seen, and I have she sings over are just as unique. The exhibit was sponsored by Brooks was a given in Ivy League schools into seen people get murdered (in movies). Oh, and she has a great head of Brothers, and their infl uence was very the sixties, fell out of vogue in the sev- The Ivy Style exhibit was defi nitely worth hair. apparent. On one wall was a series enties, and was reinvigorated in 1980 the trip, but its corporate infl uence and of quotes from novels written in the with the publishing of The Preppy Hand- lack of perspective detract from a po- pre-war era encouraging young men book and Ralph Lauren’s growing sta- tentially marvelous show. december 5, 2012 the paper page 17 Maria Bamford Releases Intimate New Comedy Special EVENTS Bamford is better than ever in performance for her parents and pug by Marisa Carroll drome,” after the OCD condition that which include answering the door for What: Brooklyn Night Bazaar Co-Editor-in-Chief almost killed her. the pizza delivery guy and giving her Where: 45 North 5th St (between Maria’s new special, The Special pug eyedrops (because “when you’re Kent and Wythe Aves.) Maria Bamford is the most brilliant Special Special, follows the “Louis a hard working pug, things can get When: Until Saturday, Dec 22 American stand-up comedian work- C.K.” model: She made it without the dry.”) How Much: However much you want ing today. It’s a matter of taste, sure, support of an entity like HBO or Com- Maria introduces mostly new ma- to spend but her voice and style are so unique edy Central and released it on Novem- terial, which is a boon for fans like Why: Every weekend this month Bil- that she’s practically incomparable ber 30 at Chill.com. Like C.K., Jim Gaf- me who can recite her older stuff by lyburg warehouse will be hosting an to others. After twenty years in the after-hours fair, with venders, musi- business, Maria’s newest stand-up LLiveive fromfrom herher livingliving roomroom isis cians, chefs, DJ’s, and YOU. Yes, I special, The Special Special Special, MMariaaria BBamford.amford. said you. Why not go check out these shows she’s still bringing the weird: indie designers and artisans. Here’s This time, by fi lming her highly pro- your opportunity to complete your fessional one-hour show in her living Christmas shopping, and see some room, with just her parents and pug good bands. Black Dice and MEN are in the audience, on the couch. slated to perform. There’s also food! I remember watching Zach Galifi - Le Comptoir and Pok Pok NY will be anakis’s Live at the Purple Onion for attendance. Therefore, so should you! the fi rst time. It felt so innovative and surprising that I, in my fourteen year What: The Party’s Machine’s 2nd An- old brain, screamed, “This guy can’t nual Holiday Benefi t Blowout just be a comedian...He’s an artist!” I Where: The Bell House, Brooklyn see so much comedy these days that When: Thursday, Dec. 16, doors open I don’t shock as easily anymore, but at 7:30 PM, show 8:00 PM Maria continues to surprise me. How Much: $12 adv, $15 door You may know Maria from the Co- Why: Comedians, Arden Myrin and medians of Comedy, both the live Lisa deLarios are a comedy themed tour (also featuring Patton Oswalt, party with perfomers from The Daily Brian Posehn, Zach Galifi anakis, and, Show, SNL, Jimmy Fallon, and more. Eugene Mirman) and the 2005 docu- fi gan, and others who have released heart. A fair criticism is that Maria, un- Proceeds will go to Badass Brooklyn mentary about it. She told Louis C.K. their own specials, Maria’s costs like some comics, doesn’t give herself Animal Rescue and Red Cross’s re- that he was “bad at sex” on the last $4.99 to download, which entitles the a new material mandate, even though lief effort for Hurricane Sandy. So you season of Louie and unintentionally viewer to fi ve streams, fi ve HD down- she might like to. Her past few projects get to laugh and give to charity. Don’t showed Marc Maron what an abusive loads, and fi ve SD downloads. have focused on perfecting older ma- think about how you have an exam asshole he is on her episode of the By fi lming the special in her home terial--including another homemade the next morning. Just think about the WTF podcast. Her most popular role in Los Angeles’s Eaglerock, Maria re- special that she released free to fans good you’re doing. And reward that was as a “huge hypocrite sellout to the innovates C.K.’s business model. The in 2009 (which was much less fancy good by going to the after party. It’s Man” (as she told me in an interview location is perfect for her wildly per- than the new one; she fi lmed it sitting free! for the paper two years ago), playing sonal act. For a more political come- cross-legged on her couch). The Spe- the overactive, under-medicated “Tar- dian or someone who trades in one- cial, Special, Special only included a What: South by South Bronx get Lady” in the superstore’s commer- liners, the setting might have been few bits I have seen before, although Where: Hostos Community College cials. less fi tting (but still oddly hilarious). her areas of interest remained similar. When: Friday, Dec. 14 - Saturday, Dec. Maria has always had a non-tradi- The special is a play in contrast. She covers religion (“All God’s myster- 15 tional stand-up game. She started Maria performs in front of a worn, ies start with a horrendous murder How Much: Free performing as a head-shaven twenty thrift store couch, a “MARIA” sign with no discernible motive”), her fam- Why: The Rebel Diaz Arts Collective in year old telling stories while playing made of cardboard and Christmas ily (“Much like our nations airports, my the South Bronx is hosting South by deranged violin pieces. She has al- lights, professional lighting and sound mother is always at Level Orange”), South Bronx, a hip-hop festival that is ways been an incredible mimic, and equipment, and a theatre-quality red pop culture (including a deranged offering more than just music. Friday impressions and characters are cen- curtain. Jackie Kashian--another won- Paula Deen impression), and mental will include educational workshops, tral to her act today. Though impres- derful comedian who has performed illness. Her demeanor is sweet as ever discussing topics like History/Art of sions may be a more mainstream tool, with Maria for over a decade--warms but more disturbed. And, more than DJing and Survivng the Police State. her approach is dark and surrealist-- up the crowd as if they are in a packed ever, she is hopeful. Saturday will include music from the especially when summoning her twist- theatre, introducing Maria to her par- This is my glowing endorsement: likes of Grandmaster Caz and DJ ed Minnesotan family. She is the main ents with, “You’ve known her from Head to Chill.com, download The Spe- Grand Wizard Theodore. Visit rdacbx. target of her own jokes, which empha- birth, you’ve known her for a long cial, Special, Special, and fall in love org for more info. size the weight of mental illness in her time, from the very beginning.” She with Maria Bamford. She’ll help re- life. She even named her most recent has a keyboardist present to introduce store your faith in humanity by working album, “Unwanted Thoughts Syn- her and segue into the intermissions, through all that’s wrong with humanity. page 18 the paper december 5, 2012 A Rush of Tiger Blood to the Head Religious convictions inspire Two and a Half Men star to state the obvious about his show by Stephanie Colombini himself, or “the enemy,” was behind ing the only gig he has and will prob- to return to Men until 2013 anyway; the show. I’ve wondered it myself, ably ever get is likely what convinced this has plenty of time to die down Staff Half Women but I’m not the star! him to make nice. The guy who said, before he comes back. However, re- Angus T. Jones, the “half” from Naturally, there was plenty of back- “you cannot be a true God-fearing ports indicate that Miley Cyrus could CBS’s Two and a Half Men, spoke lash. Coming almost two years after person and be on a television show potentially end up replacing Jones. out against the show this week in a former co-star Charlie Sheen’s in- like that” might want to eat his words, What does the Warlock himself video for Christian group Forerun- famous meltdown, Jones’ stint was considering he makes $350,000 an say? ”I dare anyone to spend ten ner Chronicles, calling it “filth,” and bound for comparison. Unlike Sheen, episode. Sheen caused Two and a years in the laugh-track that is Chuck urging fans to stop watching. Jones who rode his wave of controversy un- Half Men a lot of grief, and they fired Lorre’s hive of oppression and not claims to have undergone a religious til he buried it in the ground, Jones him for his outlandish behavior. Will suffer some form of an emotional experience that awakened him to almost immediately backtracked and Jones face the same fate? Likely not. tsunami,” he told TMZ. Classic. This something many of us realized a long apologized. He claims to have never Even without the apology, Jones’ stint begs the question: why is a show so time ago: Two and a Half Men sucks. intended for the video to go viral, but was fueled not by drugs and alcohol, utterly terrible and drama-prone still Well before he starts bashing the come on, Angus! Why would you ever but religious fervor, so the shows’ on the air? With ten seasons, tons show, the video of the nineteen-year- allow such comments to be recorded producers would have a much tough- of awards, and almost fifteen mil- old actor is horrendously awkward in this day and age, when privacy is er time selling his termination to the lion viewers this fall, Two and a Half and hilarious. Here’s the message it- all but non-existent, and a different public. Plus, his character is the Men remains the most baffling suc- self: “I’m on Two and a Half Men, and scandal gets leaked online every reason the show exists. He is actu- cess on television. Jones’ change of I don’t want to be on it. Please stop day? You had to know people other ally more vital to the storyline than heart could very well make next sea- watching it and filling your head with than Forerunner Chronicles mem- Sheen ever was, despite being less son the last, provided he doesn’t buy this filth.” It’s unfortunate, because bers were going to see that video, so popular. As Ashton Kutcher proved, into “the enemy” again and keeps those words might have been effec- obviously your bosses would find out. co-star John Cryer can easily replace going. Personally, I’ve got my fingers tive had he not continued on with Maybe he got a taste for tiger blood his douchebag sidekick, but he can’t crossed for the Evangelicals. wacky zealotry, implying that Satan — who knows— but the thought of los- get a new son. Jones isn’t supposed Bizarre Stand-Up Special Discovered at Fordham Road 7-Eleven The comediennes of Southern Fried Chicks offer up more confusion than comedy by Gibson Merrick but eventually got itself running. The DVD She had an awkward punchline about an ers.” I guess that’s fair. She likes to joke menu showcases a tub of Kentucky Fried Afghani child that I was only half listening about her teenage kids and saggy boobs. News Co-Editor Chicken with the faces of the Southern- to, but I decided investigating wasn’t worth Joyful tears of laughter poured down the Think about the 7-Eleven on Fordham the rewind. audience’s faces as if she were the sec- Road for a minute. Sure, it boasts the stan- **FilmFilm doesdoes notnot actuallyactually iinvolvenvolve Eventually the ond coming of Christ. I gave her about fi ve dard array of candies, beverages, and gas- SSouthernouthern wwomenomen ggettingetting ddeepeep ffriedried second lady minutes before turning off the DVD, not so station pizza, but did you know they also came out, much because she was terrible but mostly sell DVDs? DVD’s like Benny the Christian Beth Dona- because I’d been watching this thing for Caterpillar, Pirates of the Caribbean: At hue, whose fi fty minutes by that point. World’s End, and Knowing (starring Nic comedy didn’t Here’s what I don’t understand: are Cage). I know what you’re asking,: “Do they sound particu- these women actually Southern stereo- have a DVD of Southern-themed stand up larly southern types or are they in on the joke and know with four female comediennes headlin- or fried, but that their audience is stupid? Because if ing?” Yes, yes they do. It’s called Southern she turned they’re in on it that would be kind of awe- Fried Chicks and I paid the $6.99 for it. out to be the some, like some twist out of LOST. Of the Would you believe it actually wasn’t ter- best one. The four women, I’d say only Beth is putting rible? You wouldn’t? Congratulations, sir third lady So- on a character, although six days later or madame, your skepticism has paid off. nya White was I’m still up wondering about Etta May. I’ll Right off the bat, the DVD describes the pretty average- also say the DVD would have been bet- Southern Fried Chicks as a female ver- ly bad, but not ter if I were actually eating fried chicken, sion of the Blue Collar Comedy tour, so bad enough or maybe if the DVD wasn’t comedy at all, that you know what you’re getting into. that you can but a documentary that follows a travel- At fi rst I thought the DVD was going to be fried chicks photoshopped on the side. laugh at her, unfortunately. She liked to ing circus group that deep fries women in the convenience store shopper’s version The movie gets rollin’ pretty quickly, and do impressions of auctioneers, which the the South. Although I only reviewed one of of the VHS tape from The Ring. Attempt we’re introduced to our fi rst comedian Trish audience responded to more than a little 7-Eleven’s DVDs, I’m pretty confi dent the number one on my Xbox resulted in loud Suhr, described by the packaging as “Ken- favorably. It’s kind of diffi cult to explain rest are about the same quality. Except disjointed whirring noises and a black tele- tucky’s resident hot chick.” She’s essen- headliner Etta May’s routine, but the box Benny the Christian Caterpillar. That can vision screen. Attempt number two on my tially what would happen if you gave Jessi- calls it a “no-holds-barred approach to the only be great. laptop started with the same black screen ca Simpson a mic and told her to tell jokes. secrets of marriage and raising teenag- december 5, 2012 the paper page 19 Don’t Worry — Someone Reviewed Liz & Dick For Us The Lifetime movie to end all Lifetime movies delivers all the campiness we could have asked for by Caroline Groarke is portrayed as initially loathing their lives do actually bizarrely and sets are beyond broke look- Elizabeth while being simultane- mirror each other is kind of un- ing. As a frequent unembarrassed Staff Michael Jackson ously overcome with attraction to settling, There are, of course, a (okay, slightly embarrassed) November 25th proved to be her. This confusion comes to a ton of all-too-real scenes involv- watcher of Lifetime, there’s a one of the most highly anticipated climax when a love scene the two ing excessive booze guzzling and chance that I am just so desensi- nights in entertainment history: film ultimately culminates into a pill popping that seemed more a tized to the shockingly bad struc- the world premiere of Lifetime real life-imitating-art relationship. scene out of Lindsay’s life than ture of their movies that the faults Original Movie Liz & Dick, starring Taylor and Burton, both married at Liz’s. It seems that the fame of of Liz & Dick failed to shock me. none other than beloved American the time, make no attempts to cov- Lindsay Lohan has, at this point, I mean, of course there’s a scene trainwreck Lindsay Lohan. People er up their affair and pictures of superseded the attention paid to- “. . . I found watching Lind- have been pretty abuzz about the two begin to surface in every wards Elizabeth Taylor’s life. The this movie for say attempt to work as an the past couple TThehe l livesives ofof TaylorTaylor andand L Lohanohan a arere actual actress again more of months. The sstrikinglytrikingly similarsimilar disorienting and less believ- public was un- der relatively able than her performance unequivocal as Elizabeth Taylor itself.” agreement that it would be aw- in which, upon hearing of a death, ful. The expecta- Lindsay’s Liz Taylor immediately tions were pret- falls to the ground in a grandiose ty set: Lohan display of fainting. There’s prob- would be talent- ably at least one dramatic fainting less, the writing scene in every Lifetime movie ever would be miser- made. In fact, in might be a con- able, and the tractual obligation of their writers. plot would be But at the end of Liz & Dick, I re- hilariously illogi- member thinking: “that was ex- cal. The movie, actly as bad as I expected it to be, chronicling the actually.” highly publicized Ultimately, Liz & Dick is a great relationship of movie to watch if you’re in the Elizabeth Taylor mood for a bad movie. No one and Richard Bur- turns on Lifetime and expects to ton, thankfully doesn’t disappoint major newspaper soon after. story of Elizabeth Taylor and her have their mind blown with a mod- in meeting (if not exceeding) these If we are to believe the “based relationship with Richard Burton ern day Citizen Kane. You receive exceptionally low expectations. on a true story” message that pref- is interesting enough, but in the what you ask for when it comes You don’t have to be any kind of aced the movie, Taylor and Burton end, any shot at telling that story to any made-for-TV movie, and a movie buff or Elizabeth Taylor en- had a pretty turbulent relationship is eclipsed by the shock of seeing Lifetime original movie starring thusiast to have a vague idea of fraught with lots of angry scream- Lindsay Lohan in a video not origi- Lindsay Lohan as film icon Eliza- who Elizabeth Taylor was. As one of ing fights and suicide threats. nally published by TMZ. beth Taylor doesn’t disappoint in the most cherished Old Hollywood The movie consists of a bunch So in the end, I found watching delivering just what you’d expect actresses in American history, Tay- of cheesy scenes with old school Lindsay attempt to work as an ac- it would: a shamefully entertain- lor shouldered a great deal of me- ‘60’s paparazzi following them tual actress again more disorient- ing guilty pleasure. And, if a bad dia scrutiny in her lifetime. Contro- around as they continue parading ing and less believable than her movie starring Lindsay Lohan isn’t versies in regard to her personal their affair and subsequent mar- performance as Elizabeth Taylor what you’re looking for, take sol- life and professional relationships riage around the media. In the age itself. Honestly, the film felt like ace in the knowledge that Oscar forever shaped her career as well of Brangelina and William & Kate one long scene of sighing, vodka season is upon us and Lindsay Lo- as the public’s perception of her. it’s hard to imagine a world devoid chugging, heavy breathing, yell- han was just arrested again. The movie documents the story of such Hollywood power couples, ing, sobbing, and glass throwing; of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard but Taylor and Burton (Taylorton? which is exactly what I imagine Burton after meeting on the set Baylor?) were truly innovators in the landscape of Lindsay Lohan’s of 1963’s Cleopatra and follows the world of publicized celebrity life looks like anyway. The movie’s the long tumultuous relationship relationships. inherit awfulness transcends be- between the two that arises. Bur- Parallels too evident to both- yond a couple mediocre acting ton, played by Grant Bowler (who er mentioning can obviously be performances for the format stays actually isn’t that horrendous drawn between the lives of Taylor true to a typical Lifetime movie. Of given the circumstances and all), and Lohan, but the extent to which course the wardrobe and make up page 20 the paper december 5, 2012

to fi nals. december 5, 2012 the paper page 21

Here at the paper, we’re a pretty I could still feel my tongue! judging the shit out of their surviving ing Reese’s milkshakes, and listening great group of people. While slaving Anyway, now I don’t really vibe with friends and family. Since you’re dead to Sam Cooke. away putting together some of the best that stuff about the clouds and the you don’t need to eat or sleep, so most First of all, I love food more than damn literature available from this fi ne fancy couches. of your time is devoted to prayer, nee- people. I know I’ve said this in multi- university, we got to thinking, “Man, are Now, I bet Heaven is like a party that dlepoint, and more prayer. The music ple list articles, but I just cannot stress we all going to heaven?” So we decided turns into a kegger—and it’s fun, you’re alternates between everyone’s favorite it enough. So unless your name is what, exactly, that beautiful place is go- having a good time, but you want to classic Christian hymns and Creed’s Valerie Heinmets, odds are I’d rather ing to be for each of us. leave because you can’t hear anything. “With Arms Wide Open” spend time with a bunch of nachos So you and your hot girlfriend peace Hell, on the other hand, is a giant than with you. And the food I love One Big Catholic Block Party most is undoubtedly cheese- by Marisa Carroll burgers. Lucky for me, these Co-Editor in Chief General Consensus: old-fashioned diners specialize I was baptized and confi rmed Catho- Jesus Likes 2 Party in enormous burgers, complete lic, but my Gospel is The Simpsons, with enough fries and milk- so I guess I’m going to the “Catholic shakes to sink the Intrepid. Heaven” the show proposed late in its And while I’m happily eating run. When the family considers con- my afterlife away, I will get to verting to Catholicism, Reverend Love- have the gorgeous music of the joy insists that if you choose a different good ol’ days gracing my ears. faith, you end up at a different after- “Will You Still Love Me Tomor- life. Protestant Heaven, as the Talking row?” by The Shirelles will be Heads say, is a place where nothing played every ten minutes be- ever happens, and Reverend Lovejoy cause it’s actually the greatest enjoys a round of croquet. Catholic song ever. At the age of nine- Heaven, on the other hand, is a fi rey, teen, I cannot wrap my head ethnic bacchanal where Mexican, Ital- around doing anything for eter- ian, and Irish dead folks play Mariachi, nity, but I fi gure I always would punch each other in the face, and join rather be eating and listening in jigs with Michael Flatley. Catholic to Motown, so we’ll say diner for Heaven looks a lot like my block when now. Although if there ends up the White Sox won the World Series in being no afterlife, I’m perfectly 2005—the most heavenly of days on happy spending eternity sleep- earth. ing too. High School Suburbia by Liam Lowery by Gibson Merrick Staff Sofa News Co-editor I always thought heaven was a Victo- Heaven looks like a mediocre rian living room in the clouds—couches suburban town . You live in white out and you’re like, “Phew, glad that’s kegger jam packed with sex, drugs, all Ranch-style homes that all look exactly from ARS (Antiques Road Show to you over,” stop at 7-Eleven for some rasp- your favorite rock and roll idols, and plebians) that you aren’t allowed sit the same and your neighbors are dead berry sorbet, and then go home and an open bar. See you motherfuckers celebrities like Johnny Cash and Mari- on and a coffee table made by Shaker watch Moonstruck in bed. Only I guess there. cabinetmakers in the late 1790’s that lyn Monroe, but they never wave to you the Moonstruck and sorbet part lasts Motown when you drive by in your Ford Taurus. you can’t put any drinks on, not that forever. by Will Speros there is anything to eat or drink. Sure, there are parties, but you can Hell Arts Co-editor only ever drink Diet Fresca, and the Anyway, you gotta just stand there by Liz O’Malley and if you try and leave, angels that If heaven exists, I want the afterlife to piñatas carry toothbrushes. The good look like your parents come and say Opinions Co-editor look like a 1950’s/60’s-themed diner. news is that you don’t have to work, “Where are you going?” and you say, When I think of heaven, I picture I have always found diners to be com- but that only makes these other prob- “To get a glass of water.” and they some kind of sterile nursing home forting throughout my life, and if heav- lems seem worse. Jesus gets mad say, “Now that you’re dead, you don’t with fl uorescent lighting. Everyone sits en should be anything, it should be when you masturbate. There’s a lot of get thirsty anymore! This is heaven! All around and talks about the newest comfortable. And if I’m going to spend yogurt everywhere, and you wish you’d your needs are satiated before they episode of Everybody Loves Raymond all of eternity somewhere, I want to gone to Hell because you heard they even begin!” And you’re like shit I wish while looking down on Earth and spend it eating cheeseburgers, drink- have a better time. page 22 the paper december 5, 2012 the time being. With True being eight or blasted out loud on a summer night tracks of pop music at its fi nest, it’s at that time between dusk and dawn. safe to say that Solange has found her voice and is ready to leave her indelible mark on pop music.

Sufjan Stevens Silver & Gold El Perro Del Mar Maris Cuddeback Devoid of all but the campiest holiday Pale Fire cheer, Sufjan Stevens’ fi ve-disc Christ- Alexandra Glembocki mas album is an act of endurance. Listening to El Perro Del Mar’s lat- From the vaguely menacing “Lumber- est album Pale Fire is something like jack Christmas / No One Can Save You Now that we all know how good R. Kelly looks in a mask like that, it’s time to having a feverish daydream. Under all From Christmases Past” to an exces- petition the Weinstein brothers to fund a Zorro remake with him as the singing of the sugary grooves, there is a feel- sively twangy rendition of “Auld Lang masked Lothario/dealer of justice. However, the Z he makes with his sword may ing of biting melancholy. When it’s all Syne,” this isnt the kind turn out a little crooked, you know, because of the illiterate thing. But hey, has over, you fi nd it diffi cult of thing you want to play that ever kept him down before? After all, he is the world’s greatest. At what, you to remember any of the at a Christmas party. A ask? Well, I’m glad you asked. He’s the best at EVERYTHING. Name a task that details -- you’re just left more appropriate venue you think that you’re really good at and R. Kelly can do it better than you. He can with the feeling that you would be a post-apoca- force people out of the closet better, juggle the same girlfriend with Usher with really wanted something lyptic campfi re sing-along the slightest of ease, and he can even beat a bum rap with the best of them! Just to stand out to write in space. Maybe during look at that picture. He seems to be blessing all those who aspire to be as great home about, but you Christmas. as he. The Pope of R&B has spoken, and now it’s time to carry out his teachings. leave a little empty. Don’t come to Silver & Never let these thoughts out of your mind: always break them off with a little In the case of Pale Fire, Gold expecting a pleas- preview of the remix, and there ain’t nothing wrong with a little bump and grind. it’s mostly because each ant listening experience. Solange lows a slow progression which helps song is painted with the High on a cocktail of nos- to amplify her voice and lyrics, both same brush. Sarah Ass- talgia and blasphemous glee, Stevens True equally marvelous. She’s not only bring’s Lykke Li-like vocals fall in line deliberately destroys holiday classics Suzette Dorrielan showing herself to be a great perform- with soft electro beats, which often like “I’ll Be Home For Christmas,” amp- Leaving Interscope to instead team er, but a great vocalist and songwriter drown her out. On its best tracks, Ass- ing up the jingly bells, silvery piano, up with Chris Taylor of Grizzly Bear and as well. Solange showcases her skills bring’s voice becomes an atmospheric and quavering vibrato until all that re- his label, Terrible, may have been Sol- best in “Look Good For Trouble” and instrument instead of dim vocal back- mains is a twisted, barely recognizable ange’s best career move yet. “Bad Girls (Verdine Version).” “Look ground lighting. version of the beloved tune. Weepy This EP is easily one of the best re- Good For Trouble” is a prelude for “Bad “Walk On By” is the standout track, church choirs sing back-up. Raucous leases of 2012. Solange released the Girls,” which at the be- boasting an infectious trip-hop beat choruses, clumsy tambourines, and single, “Losing You,” and ginning doesn’t seem (sampled from Massive Attack’s “Un- recorders evoke drunken family sing- its B-side “Sleeping in like the most striking or fi nished Sympathy”) and the most alongs. Absolutely superfl uous auto- the Park” (which isn’t on most powerful piece of swagger of an album mostly fi lled with tune attacks are liable to occur at any the album, but still very the EP, but it is. A subtle subtle jams. “Love in Vain” is also a moment, and melodies dissolve into much worth listening ode to Donna Summer’s delightful surprise, rocking a head-bob- electronic chaos. You may fi nd yourself to) in early October. The song of the same name, bing reggae vibe. unable to relax during a conventional response was generally Solange provides the ac- Pale Fire may not match the extrater- Christmas carol, tensely awaiting a positive, with the world count of a street walker. restrial pop of Grimes or the beachy devastating blast of icy auto-tune. asking whether she had A somber melody mixed soul of Lykke Li, but El That said, I love this al- fi nally found her voice with a tortured and an- Perro Del Mar’s mar- bum. Hearing Christmas and stepped out of Be- guish-fi lled voice may riage of the two styles get deconstructed is a yoncé’s shadow. The answer is a re- cause this track to bring you to tears. defi nitely works, creating surprisingly gratifying ex- sounding YES! With soulful vocals and Even though the EP is wrought with an album that is oddly perience. And while some 80’s-reminiscent funky, smooth beats dejected lyrics and slow melodies, danceable and defi nitely might take offense at the under synthesizers, this album appeals there is still a liberating feel to it all. It’s enjoyable. Fittingly, it is way Stevens mercilessly to indie pop fans and R&B lovers all the an incredible exhibition of talent that best enjoyed with head- destroys holiday classics, same. many suspected Solange had, and now phones on when you’re I think there’s already The album, which talks of relation- she fi nally has the chance to be heard, in that place between more than enough senti- ship turmoil and the pain of love, fol- silencing any nay-sayers, at least for sleeping and dreaming, mental Christmas music december 5, 2012 the paper page 23 out there (“Christmas Shoes,” any- on. The Queens MC has apparently one?). Besides, not every song makes come for a victory lap after releasing you cringe. Some originals, like “The his stellar tape Blue Chips from back in Midnight Clear” and “Carol of St. Benja- March. Pairing up with near-legendary Earwax min The Bearded,” recall Stevens’ ear- producer The Alchemist, who’s worked lier, less distressing albums from the with everyone from Eminem to Prodigy. ill-fated Fifty States project. The former On this new tape, Alchemist helps to Christmas opens with a familiar tune before veer- make Action’s style more precise. His ing off into the curiously tragic, blue- beats are tight, and sometimes they collar world of Sufjan’s creation, with don’t last more than a minute and a cryptic lyrics reminiscent of “Casimir half, which makes Bronson roll with the Letter Pulaski Day.” In Unapologetic, the pressure of Ri- punches, instead of rapping over the This isn’t a Grinch-like attempt to hanna’s life is almost unavoidable, same beat for too long and leaving the Merry Christmas, everyone! Oh right, auto-tune away Christmas. Instead, and the demands she faces pour into listener waiting for a punchline amid “Happy Holidays,” or whatever. Well, Stevens has crafted a thoughtful com- her music, giving it an feeling of being muck and mire. either way, it’s that magical time of the mentary on this strange holiday, when weighed down by success while still At the beginning of his career, he gar- year again where we can all come to- relatives gather to indulge in syrupy very much remaining at the head of the nered endless comparisons to Ghost- gether and read about how great my excess of pie and casseroles. Ste- game. In “Numb,” Rihanna sings the face Killah from his fl ow and general family is. vens evokes both the forced cheer of line, “I’m going numb,” 20 times over tone of voice, but he’s defi nitely on the Rihanna may be getting back with a stressful season and the materialis- a booming and hypnotic bass, a com- road to disassociating himself with her boyfriend again, which her father tic magic of a spoiled child’s holiday. bination that comes across as frenzied that stigma while still bringing back and I aren’t too excited about, but hey, Silver & Gold embodies the confl icted and manic, only enforced elements of old school it’s love. She’s been super busy, but heart of Christmas, where cynicism by the multi-persona New York hip-hop. Many that’s good. More time to ourselves! and joy make strange bedfellows. verse of Eminem. of the beats sound like Her hair changes as much as her at- At this point, Ri’s domi- they’re being played by titude, but I guess everyone has that nance of pop music is live bands, and the best phase. pretty undenialbe, but example of Bronson’s Psy fi nally came back from studying unlike most who have multi-layered persona abroad in Korea and taught us all a been in her position, she comes in “Randy The fun new dance. I’m sure with enough has great ambivelence Musical.” This is the only eggnog at the party this year he can about being there. track not produced by teach you all! Most of all, Rihanna Alchemist, but it is defi - Gotye, or as we like to call him seems tired of playing the constant nitely the stand-out, transitioning three “Goatie,” is still getting over a long, hard, bad bitch and Unapologetic sees different beats in a cohesive thread drawn-out break-up with his girlfriend. Rihanna this guard comes down in a way differ- with different feels to each verse. All We have more body paint in the house ent than before. In “Loveeeeeee Song,” in under fi ve minutes. After the instru- Unapologetic than we know what to do with. We she sings, “I don’t want to give you the mental cuts out, Action coughs and keep telling him painting the living Valerie Heinmets wrong impression, I need love and af- says “Thank you. That might be the ill- room will help him get over it, but he In case no one had heard, Rihanna fection, I hope I don’t sound too des- est track I ever wrote.” I’m very inclined just keeps stripping naked and yelling is crazy. Not in like wearing food as a perate.” Following is “Nobody’s Busi- to agree with him. at us. Every family has one, am I right? dress or head-shaving crazy, but just ness” is a love song over a disco beat The rest of the tracks all create an It was Britney’s birthday the other regular diva crazy, and she’s in charge. featuring the one and only Mr. Brown. intimidating, and yet inviting, atmo- day, so of course she’s complaining Unapologetic, her seventh album in 6 As controversial as their relationship sphere. Heavy bass licks with stomping about not getting as many gifts as years, still has the same craziness, but was and remains, here’s to hoping kick drums make the mixtape sound years in the past. She’s doing pretty also moves to show the vulnerability of for her serenity, no matter where it’s like a mix of everything that people al- well at her new job, although she a pop star at the top of the game won- found. ways told you was the “cool” hip-hop. keeps saying it’s just a temporary dering what’ s next. At fi rst, you may be deterred because thing until her old job asks her back. Starting with pounding “Phresh off the beats punch you in the chest while Keep praying! the Runway,” Ri makes the album’s Action narrates your downfall, but keep Finally, Carly Rae has turned into direction clear, staying in the vein of going. Soon, you won’t want to listen to somewhat of a local celebrity. We get her boundary-pushing, intense and much else. calls constantly from boys asking for provocative dance music. This is con- her number and a constant cast of tinued throughout most of the album, characters cycling in and out of her with standouts like the fi rst single, “Di- room. We’re glad that our kids have so amonds,” which (hot tip) I really think many friends! Hopefully they don’t go may be about Chris Brown. away after the new year, but it’s pretty The album, though, is full of supris- likely. es. After The full force of the fi rst two Action Bronson All of us here at the Earwax house- songs, Ri slips into a quieter techno, a hold wish you the happiest of holidays, trick more striking than the usual soft Rare Chandeliers and we hope to see you at our party on ballad that is thrown into a pop album Connor O’Brien the 23rd. Goat’s blood is BYO. a la “Take a Bow.” Those moments are Okay, stop staring at the album art fully avoided, to the album’s benefi t. and read the review. No seriously, come page 24 the paper december 5, 2012

Alexandra Glembocki

Gibson Merrick

Liz O’Malley