FREE VOLUME 17 NUMBER 1
WeActivists RAY BARBEE & SAGE VAUGHN [LIFE AFTER SKATE] SHOT BY CHERYL DUNN 2010 www.wesc.com
WeSC-DPS-1701_CA.indd 2 12/29/09 11:11:40 AM WeSC-DPS-1701_CA.indd 3 12/29/09 11:11:55 AM Burton-DPS-1701.indd 2 12/13/09 5:44:00 PM Burton-DPS-1701.indd 3 12/13/09 5:43:38 PM Volcom-DPS-1701.indd 2 12/15/09 4:19:52 PM Volcom-DPS-1701.indd 3 12/15/09 4:20:08 PM TABLE OF CONTENTS
Bread, olive, and cheese Marge by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete
VOLUME 17 NUMBER 1 Cover by Peter Sutherland
CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE AND STRIPED BASS FOOD AND FACES Masthead ...... 12 Half of Ween Will Take You Fishing in New Photos by Jaimie Warren ...... 58 Employees of the Month ...... 14 Jersey for $300 ...... 18 VICE Mail ...... 16 THE ICELANDIC SKIN-DISEASE MUSHROOM THE LOUNGE LIZARD KING FASHION FIASCO ...... 64 DOs & DON’Ts: Guest-Written by the Fat Jew . . 36 The Return of Christian Anders, the Estranged Fashion: Work Hard, Play Hard ...... 44 Kaiser of German Popular Music ...... 20 LOVE AND ROCKERS Fashion: Merkin’ Around ...... 52 LIVE FREED OR DIE Ted Bafaloukos Taught Us Everything Skinema ...... 86 An Interview With Dolly Freed, We Know About Jamaica ...... 72 Sheppard’s Video-Game Pie ...... 88 Author of Possum Living ...... 24 THE BATTLE OF LAZY DOG HILL Reviews ...... 90 THE PORNOGRAPHER’S MANIFESTO Even a Multimillion-Dollar Gas Company Stockists ...... 94 A Friendly Visit With Ando Gilardi, Italy’s Can’t Just Kill a Man’s Coonhound and Kagomaniacs ...... 96 Premier Curator of Naked People ...... 28 Expect to Get Away With It ...... 82 Johnny Ryan’s Page ...... 98
Culture Squad is a celebration of relationships. Some new, IlY\eJXeZ_\q some going on ten years. C1RCA Select is proud to introduce NNN%QFFE:? C1RCA-1701.indd 1 12/8/09 1:14:05 PM FOUNDERS Suroosh Alvi, Shane Smith EDITOR IN CHIEF Jesse Pearson ([email protected]) PUBLISHER Erik Lavoie ([email protected]) VICE CANADA EDITOR Raf Katigbak ([email protected]) ASSOCIATE PUBLISHER Ryan Archibald ([email protected]) EXECUTIVE EDITOR Chris Cechin ([email protected]) DIRECTOR OF SALES Shawn Phelan ([email protected]) ADVERTISING MANAGING EDITOR Amy Kellner ([email protected]) Jon Schouten ([email protected]) ASSOCIATE EDITORS Patrick McGuire ([email protected]) Santiago Fernandez-Stelley ([email protected]) EVENT MARKETING Jon Schouten ([email protected]) Rocco Castoro ([email protected]) PRODUCTION MANAGER Julia Alvidrez ([email protected]) Gabi Sifre ([email protected]) CIRCULATION MANAGER Lauren Dzura ([email protected]) REVIEWS EDITOR Meg Sneed ([email protected]) ASSISTANT TO THE PUBLISHER Cécile Logeay ([email protected]) FASHION EDITORS Jaclyn Hodes ([email protected]) Annette Lamothe-Ramos ([email protected]) COMPTROLLER Richard Bisson UK EDITOR Andy Capper ([email protected]) MEDIA MANAGER Liz Cowie ([email protected]) EDITORS AT LARGE ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE MANAGER Ron Hemphill ([email protected]) Amie Barrodale ([email protected]) ACCOUNTANTS Richard Ouellette, Bianca Belley Thomas Morton ([email protected]) TECHNOLOGY CONSULTANT MacNRG LAYOUT inkubator.ca WEB DESIGN Solid Sender DESIGN ASSOCIATE Matt Schoen ([email protected]) INTERNS Marilis Cardinal, Jaime Eisen, Krystian Fernando, Katie Heindl, Edward COPY EDITOR Sam Frank, Polly Watson Petrenko, Tobias Rochman, Mason Anderson-Sweet WORDS PHOTOS Malte Borgmann, Tassos Brekoulakis, the Fat Jew, Robert Lanham, Seamus McGraw, Theodoros Bafaloukos, Ben DeCamp, Freddie F., Arnór Halldórsson, Hamilton Morris, Chris Nieratko, Stephen Lea Sheppard, Tim Small Arne Hübner, Kren McGraw, Chris Nieratko, Ben Ritter, ILLUSTRATIONS Edward Scheller, Dan Siney, Peter Sutherland, Jamie Lee Curtis Taete, Shintaro Kago, Johnny Ryan Jaimie Warren, Ed Zipco VICE NEW YORK VICE BELGIUM Send us: Letters, DOs & DON’Ts, all CDs for review, Klokstraat12, 2600 Berchem, Antwerp magazines, books, neat stuff, etc. Phone +32 3 232 1887 Fax +32 3 232 4302 97 North 10th Street, Suite 204, Brooklyn, NY 11211 VICE FRANCE Phone 718 599 3101 Fax 718 599 1769 21, Place de la République, 75003 Paris VICE LOS ANGELES Phone +33 953 267 802 Fax +33 958 267 802 722 North Figueroa Street, Los Angeles, CA 90012 VICE SPAIN VICE MONTREAL Joan d’Austria 95 – 97, 5 1, 08018 Barcelona 127 B King Street, Montreal, QC, H3C 2P2 Phone +34 93 356 9798 Fax +34 93 310 1066 Phone 514 286 5224 Fax 514 286 8220 VICE AUSTRIA VICE TORONTO Favoritenstraße 4-6 /III, 1040 Vienna 1349 Queen Street West, Toronto, ON, M6K 1M1 Phone +43 1 9076 766 33 Fax +43 1 907 6766 99 Phone 416 596 6638 Fax 416 408 1149 VICE MEXICO VICE UK Presidente Masaryk 101-1001, C.P. 11570, México DF 77 Leonard Street, London, EC2A 4QS Phone +52 55 5255 1909 Fax +52 55 5203 4061 Phone +44 20 7749 7810 Fax +44 20 7729 6884 VICE BRAZIL VICE AUSTRALIA Rua Periquito 264, São Paulo, SP, CEP 04514-050 PO Box 2041, Fitzroy, Victoria, 3065 Phone +55 11 2476 2428 Fax +55 11 5049 1314 Phone +61 3 8415 0979 Fax +61 3 8415 0734 VICE ARGENTINA VICE NEW ZEALAND Esteban Echeverría 1744, Florida, Buenos Aires, B1602ABR PO Box 68-962, Newton, Auckland Phone +54 11 4730 0222 Fax +54 11 4760 1121 Phone +64 9 378 1111 Fax +64 9 378 1113 VICE SCANDINAVIA VICE BULGARIA Rosenlundsgatan 36, SE-118 53 Stockholm 12 Anton P. 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The entire content is a copyright of VICE Magazine Publishing Inc. and cannot be reproduced in whole or in part without written authorization of the publishers. For subscription information go to www.viceland.com. Vice magazine is printed on an environmentally friendly paper containing 10 percent postconsumer waste. Printed in Canada. Vice magazine is published twelve times a year. 12 | VICE Fenchurch-1701_CA.indd 1 12/29/09 10:57:09 AM EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH JULIA ALVIDREZ HILARY OLSON About a year and a half ago, young Julia left the sweltering We faced some serious obstacles when we decided to do a crotch that is Southern California to intern for Vice. She fashion shoot featuring custom-made merkins (aka pubic quickly landed a gig as our office manager. After nine months wigs) for this month’s issue. Have you ever asked a wigmaker of dutifully mitigating people’s complaints about air condi- to craft a vagina toupee for you? They give you weird tioning and toilets clogged with by-products of the nearby looks. Luckily we found costume designer extraordinaire taco truck, we thought her meticulous attention to detail and Hilary Olson. An alumnus of the Art Institute of Chicago, ability to get shit done would translate perfectly into making Hilary’s made costumes for everyone from the Stones to sure this publication gets printed every 30 days or so. We were Velvet Revolver to Tim and Eric to Ashton Kutcher. Plus right. Even though this wee satchel of rainbows-and-resource- she’s a kook, so we knew we could entrust her to make a fulness potpourri knew absolutely nothing about magazine bunch of fake wacky pubes. And they came out spectacu- production, within six months she’s made it seem like we were lar—they are little, fuzzy, triangular works of art. Associate outsourcing the job to quadriplegic monkeys in India for the editor Rocco is even going to frame them and put them in his past 15 years. Julia also recently renounced veganism and now apartment and then have some explaining to do when his loves cheeseburgers so much we think she should marry one. parents come over. See THE MAGAZINE YOU ARE HOLDING IN YOUR HANDS RIGHT NOW, See MERKIN’ AROUND, page 52. pages 1-100. ROBERT LANHAM TACO BELL BLACK JACK TACO Robert is a Brooklyn-based writer who is responsible for The I know this looks like some cutesy advertorial business to you, Sinner’s Guide to the Evangelical Right, The Hipster but trust me, it is not. I wolfed down a pair of these bad boys Handbook, and a bunch of other satirical books that are last week, thus initiating the longest night of near-continuous good poop-facilitating material. His writing has also shitting I have ever lived to tell my coworkers about. Ugh. Just appeared in the New York Times, Playboy, the Washington looking at that picture right now made my stomach go gligg- Post, and many other fine publications. When we asked him ligggurch. It’s a real shame, too, because I’m usually a major to tell us about his private life, he told us that his parents fan of both Taco Bell and limited-edition novelty foods. Hell, speak in tongues, his first babysitter was Oklahoma Senator the whole reason I was there was to try out the new Mountain Tom Coburn, he “worships” 70s Cronenberg films, and Neal Dew flavor, Baja Blast (pretty great, by the way). I think the Pollack calls him the “Margaret Mead of the North problem is that they’re trying to branch out into more American weirdo.” In this issue he went surfcasting for bass “upscale” fare like Chipotle or something instead of just stick- in New Jersey with Dean Ween who, unbeknownst to us, will ing to the usual slop. Anyways, all said, in between bouts of Canadian Distribution: nolimits.ca lead just about any schmo on a fishing tour for a few hun- anal pyrotechnics I did manage to get a good amount of work Coal info available at: nlintel.com dred bucks. on this issue done. So thanks for that, Black Jack. See CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE AND STRIPED BASS, page 18. See our online editor’s toilet if you’re on a Faces of Death sort of trip. Jon in the Arnie. Mark Welsh photo / coalheadwear.com 14 | VICE Coal-1701 CA.indd 1 12/17/09 7:28:19 PM VICE MAIL PRETENSION issue? I don’t remember. I masturbate to pay right now. Once I’m in the world again Dear Vice, them all. But this particular issue... this par- I will gladly pay you back. So I was wondering why you guys ticular picture... was of a chubby Asian girl 2) If you can help me try and get a pen pal haven’t done a story documenting, objec- eating a piece of fried chicken while sitting out there, I would appreciate it, anyone from tively, the Williamsburg youth culture, the on a dining-room table half-naked. My anywhere. I am a 43-year-old Christian, but homogenization of its music, its throw- boyfriend didn’t see the picture. He just kind I am a firm “punk.” Sirs, thank you for your away vices (har-har). of pulled the whole “Oh, hey, didn’t see ya time and consideration. You could look back on it, as it nears its there” act. But since then he doesn’t want to Sincerely, end (and it is—bands like Grizzly Bear and have sex. I don’t know if it’s because he read NARCISO SALA Animal Collective have reached such and possibly masturbated to the same issue Morgantown, WV grandiose and widespread acclaim that before and simply cannot accept the fact that Actually, no jokes on this one. We’re giving they and the countless talentless imitators his lover has the same Asians-eating-fried- the guy a subscription. have made the scene unsustainable, it foods fetish, or if he just does not want to grows more and more impossible to ascer- have sex. Maybe he is cheating! OMG! I am POETRY? going to go check his emails. tain the opportunists from their artistic Dear Vice, Thanks Vice! My boyfriend may not dignitaries, and what was once meant to be A Poem for Vice, Possibly the Most make me cum, but you do! kitschy and ironic is now exploited as Inspirational Mag I’ve Ever Read KYLE W. mainstream fashion) and as the beginning tic tac no, Hollywood, CA of a truly postmodern world. and alignment aside, Hipsterdom as the regurgitation, the “My boyfriend may not make me cum, but waxy wheels that trail must be apart, backwash, so to speak, of the 20th century, you do!” they divide the grains of sand this time divorced from the passionate and that are the critical, this time with a regard more for PUKE already separated, polychrome, the aesthetic, the practical. Obviously, this Dear Vice, and singe-clotted under a common sun, turn would be rather unpopular, consider- I’m in a band called Flora Bastard, which they cling to her pentagon breast ing your audience and reputation as a my wife keeps telling me is a lame band and scarlet-scale lips, magazine, but wouldn’t you feel just a bit name because it reminds her of margarine. that say fuck. more dignified fanning the flames than We’ve changed our stupid band name so and through her deterioration, stomping them out? many times, I don’t think I’m up for it any- she abandons condour, Yours truly, more. Can you offer some advice here? Is it realizing dreams and minutes that… BISON lame? Are all band names lame anyway? maybe happened, PS: I’d do a write-up for you. Any suggestions for a better one? So many her hot honey-slicked lust-colored via email questions. Anyway, so that’s my letter. summers Instead of replying to your letters this Longtime reader, first-time writer-inner. ANNA-LEA SHIRLEY month, we are going to quote back to each All the best, via email person the parts of their letter that we ALAN FROM THE LAMELY NAMED This one was easy too: would have zeroed in on had we bothered FLORA BASTARD “Dear Vice, to reply. In other words, the words or via email A Poem for Vice, Possibly the Most phrases in which the writer truly reveals “I’m in a band called Flora Bastard,” Inspirational Mag I’ve Ever Read their awfulness. “Alan from the lamely named Flora tic tac no, For the above letter, it’s: “Williamsburg Bastard.” and alignment aside, youth culture,” “throwaway vices (har- waxy wheels that trail must be apart, har),” “made the scene unsustainable,” PUNK PEN PALS they divide the grains of sand “ascertain the opportunists from their Dear Sir: that are artistic dignitaries,” “a truly postmodern Today I saw your magazine for the first already separated, polychrome, world,” “the regurgitation, the backwash, time and I fell in love. and singe-clotted under a common sun, so to speak,” and “PS: I’d do a write-up Sir, I am of the older generation but back they cling to her pentagon breast for you.” in the 80s we were punks, now goths, and, and scarlet-scale lips, that say fuck. PUSSY my God, we didn’t have nothing back then like Vice. and through her deterioration, Scusi, I loved the articles and info and, hell, she abandons condour, What is the source of the redhead effec- even the advertising. realizing dreams and minutes that… tualizing her shit in the recent ad-bar of I am a “hispano” male serving a four- maybe happened, Vice up top? year-and-six-month prison term (federal) in her hot honey-slicked lust-colored Thank you. W. VA. (Dueling banjos in the back- summers” GILFORD ground.) On the outside I work for a small via email Hispanic /bilingual newspaper, but I This one is easy—“effectualizing her shit.” screwed up, selling fake IDs. Hell, I’m hon- Send correspondence to [email protected] est and up-front, I always have been. (include city and state /province) or to PENIS There are two things I want to beg of Vice magazine, Dear Vice, you guys. 97 North 10th Street, Suite 204, My boyfriend recently walked in on me 1) Please hook me up with a subscrip- Brooklyn, NY 11211. masturbating to one of your issues. Which tion, as I am indigent, I am afraid I cannot Letters are edited for length. 16 | VICE DVS-1701_CA.indd 1 12/13/09 5:40:02 PM It was really cold but Mickey seemed fine with it. And then Mickey’s buddy hooked one! That’s a 30-inch, ten-pound striped bass. 8:45 PM I stepped into a plywood tavern with a neon sign out front fish,” Mickey said. that said Buckalew’s. Mickey was at the bar. He had messy hair and 6:15 AM As predicted, the beach was still too eroded for Mickey’s definitely looked like Dean Ween. In front of him was a draft of Beck’s truck, so we carried the bait and his rods down to the water. Nick alongside a rocks glass filled with Jameson. sliced up some bunker fish with a knife and began baiting the hooks. The World Series was on. He introduced me to his Brownie As the first rays appeared over the horizon, Mickey sang “Here Troop fishing buddy Nick, a mid-Atlantic beach bum and fishing Comes the Sun.” writer. Mickey informed me that the bartender—a sinewy old dude 7:00 AM No one had caught anything yet, and I asked Mickey who looked like he could kick all of our asses at the same time— whether he enjoyed fishing with the fans. had won the Mega Millions lottery twice. “It sucks if you’re trapped all day with someone you don’t want to 10:00 PM We headed to Mickey’s trailer to watch the rest of the spend five minutes with,” he said. “But overall, I’ve been lucky and game. It was tiny and lined up symmetrically with about a dozen had mostly positive experiences. I forget that people come here most- other matching mobile homes. Mickey shares the vacation home with ly to hang out with Dean Ween, which is weird.” his sister—she’s there during the summer, while Mickey prefers the Then I asked him whether women ever signed up to fish, and he desolation of the colder months. He said he finds the retreat con- told me that thus far only men had hired him. ducive to fishing and writing music. Nick looked disappointed. “I do this for the bitches,” he said. 10:15 PM We flipped the game on and cracked open some beers. I 7:45 AM Mickey told me he doesn’t think about music while fishing. noticed the plastic container of dog food on top of the refrigerator. In fact, he doesn’t think about anything. Dean Ween on dawn patrol in New Jersey. Then Mickey told me his border collie had recently died. “I loved “Waiting is 90 percent of what you do while surfcasting,” he said. that dog,” he said. “It fucking sucks, man.” “It’s like meditation. It’s the only healthy thing I do.” “You ever heard of a skate helmet?” Nick asked, changing the sub- 8:50 AM After feeling a few bites, Nick finally had something on ject. It felt like a trap, so I stood there unmoving, like an idiot. his line. Chocolate and Cheese “That’s when you throw a skate on someone’s head—they wrap “It’s a bass,” he said. “They don’t fight much.” around like a helmet and dig their thorns into the side of your face. Moments later Mickey was pulling the hook out of a 30-inch We did that to one of my buddies a few weeks ago. Fucking hilar- striper. They estimated it to be about 10 to 12 pounds. and Striped Bass ious. I’ll have to show you how tomorrow.” The skate he was I looked down and noticed Mickey’s hand was bleeding. “Bass don’t talking about, I finally realized, was the delicious-tasting fish. That have teeth,” he said, “but their mouths are like sharp sandpaper.” is hilarious. 9:00 AM Mickey grew annoyed because some old codger with a dec- Half of Ween Will Take You Fishing in New Jersey for $300 10:40 PM Mickey looked through his cabinets for booze for a few orative fishhook in his hat had set up camp next to us. minutes, finished off the remnants of something (I’m not sure what), “This guy’s got no shame,” he said. “When you wait till someone BY ROBERT LANHAM, PHOTOS BY BEN DeCAMP and lamented forgetting to pick up a bottle of Jameson. catches something and then set up shop—that’s called mugging. I’ll “It’s probably best we don’t have a bottle. We won’t be hurting give him the stink eye.” too much tomorrow,” he said while opening another beer, the sev- 11:00 AM After two hours of waiting and a lot of silence, Mickey ince getting his captain’s license last summer, Mickey 90s, so of course I had to sign up for a Mickey-helmed fishing trip. enth I’d seen him drink since meeting up with him. said he hoped to catch another bass so we could at least hit our limit Melchiondo, better known as Dean Ween, has been leading As a committed landlubber with wobbly sea legs, I was plenty OK of two, but nothing was biting. S fishing tours off Long Beach Island, New Jersey. He’s the when Mickey called and said he’d prefer to surfcast. He had just TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 3 11:30 AM I asked Mickey whether Gene Ween ever accompanies him kind of skipper who also kindly gives shelter to anglers when there’s returned from tour and finds it more relaxing. But at $300 a whirl, 12:15 AM The game was finally over and—thank God—the on his fishing trips. room in his trailer the night before and books it all himself through you might want to consider making him hoist the anchor instead. Phillies took it 8-6. Then we watched Jaws to get us in the mindset “Oh yeah,” Mickey said, “but he’s not as obsessed with it as me. We the magic of a lo-fi internet information page, mickeysfishing.com. of hoisting some big motherfuckers up from the sea. actually recorded The Mollusk just down the road from my trailer.” Mickey also has his own online fishing series called the Brownie MONDAY, NOVEMBER 2 “There’s a shitload of sharks out there just beyond the breakers I also asked him whether they’re planning to record another album Troop Fishing Show that’s kind of like that old Fishing With John 8:30 PM I’d just exited the freeway near Long Beach Island—a during the summer,” Mickey said. anytime soon. “Yeah,” he said. “I’ve got some songs. He’s got some series hosted by actor and musician John Lurie, but without the barrier sliver popular with tourists during the summer. I had “I sometimes think it would be funny to fill the water with chum songs. That’s what we always do.” irony. The Deaner is dead fucking serious about fishing. arrived Sunday night because Mickey likes to start fishing before and bring a bunch of them in while the beach is filled with tourists. 12:00 PM I told Mickey I had to call it a day. I was tired and I still “Lurie’s show was more about the guests,” Mickey told me. sunrise. He also suggested we could get “fucked up and watch the It would ruin their vacation. Some teenage lifeguard saw me pull in a needed to drive home to Brooklyn. “Mine is about the fishing.” Yankees lose” the fifth game of the World Series. How could I shark last August. He was just shaking his head like, ‘I’m not going “We caught one big striper,” he said. “In surfcasting, that’s what’s So far Mickey’s posted 11 episodes on brownietroopfs.com, a site resist such a proposition? back in that water.’” called a successful day.” that also looks like a 16-year-old designed it in 1996. Go there to It’s off-season, so the island was mostly deserted. Deep puddles of 12:45 AM I returned to my hotel to get a few hours of sleep. Tightening up the slack on his lines, he said he was going to fish for watch guests like Butthole Surfers’ own Gibby Haynes get blind seawater were covering much of the road—remnants of a nor’easter 5:30 AM After about four hours’ sleep, I forced myself to roll out of a couple more hours. drunk and say stuff like “I dunno where the fuckin’ stern is.” and a rapidly vanishing beach. Mickey called and suggested we meet bed and make my way to Mickey’s trailer. I knocked on the door and, “If I didn’t have to drive home to see my son, I’d be out here all Like the rest of the world, I’ve been a fan of Ween since the early at his favorite island drinking hole. of course, he and Nick were wide-awake. I felt like shit. “Let’s fucking day,” he said. 18 | VICE VICE | 19 beach in Mexico with luxury mobile homes. I was supposed to live there with all my pupils. It was a huge deal. They washed my feet and I sat as their guru on a golden throne. A real golden throne? Well, gold-coated plastic, but you get my point. It was all too much, the responsibility. I was scared I couldn’t do it anymore. I want to chat a bit about some of the women you’ve had in your life. Would you say you exploited any of the ladies you’ve known? God, I don’t know. Maybe, yes. But I always had a goal. I always wanted to be somebody. Your previous manager, Ann Busse, whom you were to marry and who later commit- ted suicide— Yeah. Those are the people I simply attracted in my life, people who accompanied me. My manager, Frau Busse… those were tragic cir- cumstances. She wasn’t an altogether healthy woman. These are all tragic events that I sup- pressed at the time. But you also made a bit of money off them too, right? Yes, but she made money too. I gave this woman 5 million Deutsche Marks. I was always very generous. It always gave me great joy to make others happy. Looking back, do you have any regrets? I am a devout Buddhist. I don’t know regret. All I know is, you live out karma. Why one ROCK THE WEB person acts a certain way to another, includ- ing sometimes using them or causing them harm—and I know this as a Buddhist—all has its root in karma. You never know what a person has done in their former lives. Isn’t that just an excuse to never have to apologize for anything? I apologize constantly, but only because that’s what one does. If one feels unjustly treated, WEBPHONES you can be sure that he or she was, at some time, also unjust. Everything you do will be ON CANADA’S RELIABLE NETWORK given back to you at one time or another. How? By whom? By whomever. And whoever thinks like this will naturally avoid bad karma. If I under- stand karma but nevertheless act unjustly, “They washed my feet and I sat as their then that is a form of masochism. You’re only fucking yourself. guru on a golden throne.” Let’s step back a bit. Does being driven around the country in a golden Rolls-Royce play out in karmic redistribution? Really? What else can we look forward to? I know That was kindergarten stuff. The days of the Yeah, I wanted to get away. It’s just like you recently did some television. Rolls-Royce were nothing. Of course, one someone saying: “I’ve had enough; eating That was a show I did in a corner of thing is true: As an artist, you have to develop nothing but caviar is no good for anyone.” Nordrhein-Westfalen, with 2,000 people. a big ego. Without a big ego—whether Earlier in my career I celebrated my biggest you’re an artist, a fighter, an actor, a busi- So it’s a lot less caviar these days? success there, in front of 25,000 fans. It’s dif- nessman—things are impossible for you. Yeah, things have quieted down a little, but ferent in Berlin, but I wanted to give it a go. on select 3-yr. terms* This ego can also be the death of you. I was I’m kicking off again with this song EXCLUSIVELY FROM very egotistical, but I was focused: I wanted “Gespensterstadt Remix.” We actually wanted Maybe we’ll do something bigger here soon. to be number one and stay number one. to have a quiet life, and then suddenly it did 13 Let’s hope. One more thing before I leave you How does it feel that you’re no longer num- weeks at number one in the DJ charts, 50 to your public: Could I possibly get an auto- ber one? weeks in total. So I said, “Why not? Let’s see graph for my grandma? ROGERS.COM – VISIT A STORE Oh, at some point I wanted that. what happens.” Yes, of course you may. Offers subject to change without notice.*LG Eve available with new activation on any 3-yr term voice and data plan.; other devices with new activation on any 3-yr term voice and data plan with $45 min. combined monthly service fee. ™Rogers & Mobius Design and Best Surfi ng. Start to fi nish. are trademarks of or used under license from Rogers Communications Inc. or of an affi liate. ™Android, Google and related brand names are trademarks of or used under license or with permission of Google Inc. The HTC logo and HTC Dream™ and HTC Magic™ are trademarks of HTC Corporation used under license or with permission. ™ BlackBerry, RIM, Research In Motion, SureType and related trademarks, names and logos are the property of Research In Motion Limited and are registered and/or used in the U.S. and countries around the world, used under license from Research In Motion Limited. © 2009 Rogers Wireless. 22 | VICE Rogers-1701_CA.indd 1 12/18/09 12:59:12 PM Dolly has written a retraction of that chapter in her new reprint It seems like your dad was quite the firecracker. I wonder—the tone (released this month by Tin House Books), but it still makes for a that comes through in the book is so incredibly confident for an 18- juicy read. year-old girl—do you think you got that from him? Dolly Freed (which, by the way, is a pseudonym, if you didn’t Yeah, I do. My dad was probably the smartest person I’ve ever realize) is a fascinating lady, and you should read this book and also known. He always had an independent streak and he saw society watch the short documentary about her that was made after almost as a facade. After he married my mom, he had a nine-to-five Possum Living was first published (it’s on YouTube). If it doesn’t job and he hated it for the same reasons I hated school: being in a make you want to quit the rat race at least a little bit, then you must building all the time, doing the same thing all the time. So when my be one big, fat rat. Who likes to race. Or something like that. You mom opened the candle shop, he quit to help her. Then they got know what I mean. divorced. My mom left with my brother, and I stayed with my dad. Oh yeah, and when Dolly got sick of possum living, she put herself We lived in a run-down house that we bought in foreclosure. We had through school and became a NASA aerospace engineer. No big deal. been gardening and raising chicken and rabbits for a long time already, so it was just a case of “Well, we could just keep doing this!” Vice: First, I just wanted to tell you that I love the book. Dolly: Oh! Thank you. It sounds like you were a very mature teenager. Most teenagers want to run around with their friends and smoke cigarettes or something. As a girl who grew up in the city, I’m jealous of you because I have Did you have that sort of desire? no idea how to live by my own wits at all. It kind of freaks me out. Because I was given a mature position so early, I ended up rebelling So I really admire you and I’m curious about a lot of things. Like, kind of late—I would say in my 20s. And my rebellion was becom- what inspired you to write Possum Living in the first place? ing more normal. In other words, I went to college, I got a job, I got Well, there were a couple of reasons. One is that I had dropped out a car. It’s hard to rebel when you’ve got your own still! You’ve got to of school when I was 12. So I always had this nervous feeling that I go the other way to rebel. had to keep pushing my intellectual abilities. Also, the winters were really boring. We didn’t have a car. We didn’t have a phone. There So was it in your 20s that you stopped possum living? wasn’t a lot to do when it was too cold to go outside, so it was a good Yeah, what happened is that after the book sold, the first thing we wintertime project. did was go out and buy a phone because we had to be able to talk with the publisher and the publicist. That was a big upgrade for us. If you don’t mind my asking, how is it that an accomplished author Then I wanted to get a car. But once you’ve got a car, you’ve got to and NASA aerospace engineer such as yourself dropped out of school pay for it. So I got a job as a minor feature reporter for the local in seventh grade? paper. See, one thing about possum living is that it’s really not that I’m an outdoor person. In fact, as I’m talking to you, I’m walking hard, and once you’ve mastered it, it’s not as if you can become more around in my backyard. When I’m inside, I feel closed in, not as alert, “possum-er.” So I think I was ready to take on new challenges, to see and sometimes frustrated. As soon as I go outside, I relax. Also, I was what else I could do, and to take part in a bigger world. definitely different from the other kids. We didn’t have a television growing up. I ate armadillos and stuff like that. I was very sensitive, What was the reaction to the book like? and I got teased a lot. I’m kind of an intense person, so I was really Very positive. The only thing people were upset about was the part wound up about school. It was a really not-right environment for me about eating dogs. It’s not like I was advocating going out and eating to be sitting at a little desk, cooped up all day long, with lots of dogs every day, but suppose you had a nasty, vicious dog and you had to kill it, you might as well go ahead and eat it. I believe that was the annoying people. only thing I got hate mail about. And somehow some kids in our And your parents were cool with you not going to school? town figured out who we were and drove by our house shouting, bean-and-yogurt freak in order to largely bypass the money econo- Well, the very last straw was that they had some kind of survey to fill “Dog eater! Dog eater!” my? My father and I have a house on a half-acre lot 40 miles north out about your parents’ income and education. My dad refused to fill Aw, that’s terrible. But I have to say, it’s definitely something that of Philadelphia, PA (hardly a pioneer homestead), maintain a middle- it out. The homeroom teacher gave me a very hard time about it. He Live Freed kind of jumps out at you when you read the book. You discuss eat- class facade, and live well without a job or regular income—and was making my life miserable. I was coming home crying every day ing cats, too. without working hard, either.” after school. So my dad called up the teacher and said, “Look, you Well, yeah, but the only cat I remember eating was roadkill cat. I’ll Doesn’t she sound cute? She then goes on to give step-by-step have to stop this.” The teacher said, “Well, I have to have this form.” tell you what—when you skin a cat, it stinks. I have never skinned instructions on how to do everything from raising rabbits and My dad said, “Well, I’m not going to fill it out.” The teacher said, or Die an animal that had a more offensive body odor than cats. chickens in your cellar to making your own moonshine to dealing “Why not? I filled it out.” My dad said, “Just because you’re an idiot with housing, transportation, health, the law... just about every- doesn’t mean that I have to be one.” So that didn’t make the situa- Oh my gosh. An Interview With Dolly Freed, thing. It’s very thorough and detailed, yet very readable since she tion better. I have pet cats! I love pet cats! Don’t get me wrong. It was already writes it all in such a sassy way (OK, I may have skipped the chap- At the time my parents had a candle business. My mom was there dead in the wintertime. There wasn’t anything that was going to do ters on pickling and property-tax assessments). Throughout the Author of Possum Living most of the day. She is a lot more conventional than my dad, so what good for that cat. book, she paints a portrait of herself and her dad as these lovable happened is my dad asked me if I wanted to leave school, and of BY AMY KELLNER oddball characters—even when she’s giving detailed instructions I suppose not. course there was nothing I wanted to do more. So he went to the PHOTOS COURTESY OF DOLLY FREED on how to use rat traps to catch pigeons (for eating). She is incred- You have to understand, we lived on a hill. It had a slow road going principal and said that we were moving to California and that he ibly opinionated and most of her advice is right-on. Her cure for across and then it was semi country. So truckers came roaring would send for our records when we moved. We went around and olly Freed is my hero. In 1978, at the age of 18, she wrote depression? “Run till your eyeballs pop out.” Her cure for gas? through this neighborhood at 80 miles an hour. There was lots of said good-bye to all the teachers. Then I just stayed home. I stayed this smart, funny, and frank manifesto called Possum Living: Moonshine. Her cure for menstrual problems? Also moonshine! roadkill! In the wintertime, in Pennsylvania, it’s so cold that roadkill inside during the day and only went out when the kids were out, and D How to Live Well Without a Job and With (Almost) No Sound advice. is like taking something and sticking it in the freezer. We certainly ate my mom never even caught on for weeks. Money. In it, she explains how she and her dad (whom she refers to The one chapter that gave me pause is the one on dealing with the our share of roadkill if it wasn’t smashed too much. throughout the book as “the Old Fool”) lived on about $700 a year law, in which Dolly suggests visiting your adversary’s house late at Oh, wow. That’s pretty sneaky. Well, you are definitely not squeamish! You have a whole chapter and had a jolly old time not having to answer to the Man. And it’s not night, “to let him know he has an enemy who has no intention of Of course, I wasn’t going to tell her because there was no way I was about how to kill and eat all kinds of animals, ranging from rabbits like they were hippies or hillbillies either—as Dolly writes in her intro: playing the game by his rules.” She then goes on to subtly suggest you going back to school. So I just stayed inside and read and read and and ducks to groundhogs, ponies, and mountain lions. Did you real- “Why is it that people assume one must be a hippie, or live in some throw a brick through his window or kill his dog—but only if the read. Eventually, a neighbor caught on and told my mom. But by ly eat a mountain lion? dreary wilderness, or be a folksy, hard-working, back-to-nature soy- dog is mean (“It’s no sin to kill a vicious creature”). Understandably, then, it was sort of too late. No, the mountain lion was a joke. But if you eat meat, and if killing 24 | VICE VICE | 25 Haha. Aw, that’s really inspiring. I envy that. All the advice you give in the That’s the truth. Second of all, I was really good at math. So, you afterword of the book about how to be happy with your life—it read up, you’re good at math—the one thing that everyone says is made me start to think about what the hell I’m doing. “Be an engineer.” I wanted to do something I felt was really impor- Oh, good. I was a little worried about that because when I wrote the tant and would affect all mankind. Remember, I told you I was kind original, I was pretty cocky. of an intense person. I had a huge amount of idealism. That’s what makes it so great, though. There are plenty of other Did you work on spaceships? books out there about how to be frugal, but this one was so fun to I worked on the shuttle. read. I finished the whole thing in one sitting because you wrote it in Oh, wow. such a friendly and quirky tone. I think that’s what makes it stand I had two major projects there. One of them was something called out. And the cockiness—I don’t know how you got to be an 18-year- “Spacehab” that was to make extra living space in the shuttle. Then old with that much confidence! Girls are so self-conscious at that age. what happened was the Challenger blew up. I was on part of the You refer to yourself as a “knockout.” team that was helping to figure out what went wrong and how we Well, I was. would fix it. We all got flown out to Florida, and we got to see the I’m sure you were! Did your friends and boyfriends think your debris. That was really tough. Then we came back and we started lifestyle was weird? working on ideas. One of my projects was to see if we could come up Well, yeah, they did. But they liked it! It was a break from the con- with a way of replacing the O-rings that had caused the Challenger fines of normal civilization. You come visit me, we don’t watch TV to explode. You’re probably too young to remember there was a big together, but we go swimming in the creek. I might take you fishing. commission afterward to find out what had happened. What was We’ll play poker and throw peanut shells on the floor, stay up late… going on was that a lot of people were covering their rear ends. When you go back and read the book now, is there anything you Yeah, I didn’t know that. I just remember watching it on TV in my wrote that makes you laugh or cringe? grade school’s auditorium. Well, one is the chapter about law. I was like, “Oh, my God, I can’t Well, the question was, did the cold weather (because it was a very, believe I ever wrote that.” unusually cold day) affect the performance of the O-rings? Everyone Yeah, I was going to ask about that. You advocate taking the law into it yourself is the only way you’re going to eat meat, you get over that was saying, “No, no, no!” because they were covering their rear ends. your own hands in some pretty risky ways. Did you ever end up get- squeamish business pretty fast. I am very fond of animals, actually. I Richard Feynman, who was the Nobel Prize winner in physics, was on ting into any trouble? “Chickens are fun. You can put have lots of pets. If our rabbits got sick or injured, it would upset me this commission. He took an O-ring and he stuck it in a glass of ice Well, I never did. It was more my dad who was doing that kind of terribly. I didn’t want them to suffer. When we killed them, we did it water, took it out, and snapped it. Then nobody could deny it. But all stuff. I might sometimes accompany him, but I would say that what them on your head and walk very, very quickly—much nicer than any meat you could ever buy. I up the line, the management had just ignored the evidence. The rea- I’ve learned—and I wrote this in the afterword—is that trying to don’t even eat beef because I can’t stand how cows are raised and son is because Ronald Reagan was supposed to be doing his State of threaten people to get what you want is not really a good idea. It around with them like little killed. So we would be very humane toward the animals we raised. the Union speech that night. He wanted to be able to say, “We have might work in the short term, but in the long run, it’s not going to Then, really, the point is that once they’re dead, they’re dead. Yeah, civilians in space!” There was a lot of pressure to launch it. So they help and it makes you a nasty person. So when they approached me chicken hats, and they’re just it’s kind of a messy process to clean them, but so is changing a baby’s said, “We’re going to go ahead and launch it even though the weath- about the reprint, I said we had to have a retraction for that. Anyway, diaper. After a certain point, it’s just one of the things you do in life, er’s too cold.” So, they went ahead and launched it, and it blew up. I I never got in any trouble, but after I left home, my dad did get in so comfy.” and you just get on with it. felt like we had blown those people up—like we at NASA had failed trouble with the law. those people. That completely took the wind out of my sails. I think it’s admirable. I’d never be able to do that. Right, you wrote that he burned some houses down to stop develop- I think my kids would have a very tough time with it, too. We did That’s why you left? ers from building on preserved land? Yeah. That was a major part of why I left. radio. I did Merv Griffin. There was also a documentary done about have chickens here for a while until the neighbors’ dog killed Yeah, he did. Fortunately, there was nobody in them. They were still possum living. If you think I’m cocky, you should see me on TV. them. But we were just eating the eggs. They would have had a I don’t blame you. being built. But aside from being a really nasty thing to do, it wasn’t very hard time killing the chickens. Of course, chickens are so Yeah, I couldn’t work in a big bureaucracy. I could not work at a even effective. Have your kids read the book? My son never finished reading it. He’s borderline ADD. My daughter incredibly stupid that any attachment you’re having to them is place that would let that kind of thing happen. They just rebuilt the houses. read the book and was like, “How come I don’t get to run a still?” anthropomorphic. So you switched careers? Yeah. Hahaha. Right. Yeah. Of course, it was not as easy. There was all of this angst, like, So they caught him for that? I think you get some of that cockiness rubbed off of you as you get But chickens are fun. You can put them on your head and walk around “What am I going to do with my life?” It was not easy becoming a No, they never caught him. Not for that. He got caught for threat- older. Most of what I wrote still applies. I’ve incorporated most of it with them like little chicken hats, and they’re just so comfy. And they space engineer. I had worked really hard. I had school loans. My hus- ening somebody and was sent to jail. This was long after I left home. into my life on a regular, ongoing basis. I’m not raising rabbits in the come when you call them. I think that if I had to do it all over again, I band and I were living in a dinky little apartment so we could pay off I don’t want to live my life that way. That was part of my rebellion: would probably eat less meat. But I know those rabbits we raised had all our loans and save up our money because we were both little leaving home and becoming law-abiding! Well, mostly law-abiding. cellar now, but I care about how animals are raised and eaten, and the best little rabbit lives they could have. thrifty bees. He said, “Look, just do what makes you happy.” I’ve always had a garden, and I’ve always cared about how I live my Meanwhile, I was volunteering on weekends at the local nature Funny. Once you left home, was there anything that you indulged in life. But I know that I’m a little more cautious than I used to be. I’m Do you think possum living is still possible today? that you had never had before but always wanted? Oh, yes! In fact, when my husband retires, I think we’re going to go center. One way to tell what your career should be is if you like to hoping that doesn’t sound like a bit of a letdown, because as you get volunteer at it. So I got a part-time job at the nature center and I Oh, sushi! When they sent me on my book tour, I had sushi for the older, you see more things happen. It is not a good idea to terrorize back. I don’t think we’re going to go full possum. I don’t want to fool first time in New York. That was a big bonus. Then I went to some with the rabbits. But yeah, I’m looking forward to it. loved it. I like to look under leaves, under rocks, in water, and in the people. Bad! Bad! trees and watch birds, insects, and butterflies. It’s like meditation to clubs. There was one that had a circus theme going. It was a drag Haha, yeah, I get that. But aside from the terrorizing-people part, Your husband still works for NASA, but you don’t anymore? me. Then they needed teachers. At first, I thought I was going to hate club. It blew my mind! We didn’t have anything like that in our little and maybe the eating-cats part, your book is very inspiring to me. If I changed careers because after going through a lot as a NASA engi- it, but then I started teaching children’s classes, and I absolutely loved town. I liked to dance, so it was fun. I think nowadays I would be a I quit my job, it’s your fault. neer, I realized I was sitting at a little desk in a little cubicle in a dark it. It turns out I was really, really good at it. There are many things little more cautious, but back then I would approach people I didn’t My fault! I don’t know if they let you have rabbits in the cellar in building all day long and that wasn’t what I wanted. that I’m very, very bad at. I can’t do art. I can’t do music. But I can know, and they would give me a tour of Central Park or take me to New York— How did you decide to become an aerospace engineer? It just seems take a bunch of kids outside and get them really enthusiastic and a club. like the polar opposite of possum living. knowledgeable about nature. I mean, it’s practically what I was born Didn’t you go on some talk shows as well? Well, there’s Central Park— Well, first of all, I read too much science fiction. to do. Oh, yeah. They were hilarious. I did a lot of local TV stations. I did There you go! Lots of pigeons. 26 | VICE VICE | 27 The Pornographer’s Manifesto A Friendly Visit With Ando Gilardi, Italy’s Premier Curator of Naked People INTERVIEW BY TIM SMALL PHOTOS BY EDWARD SCHELLER ARCHIVAL IMAGES COURTESY OF ANDO GILARDI AND PATRIZIA PICCINI e recently drove up through We were warmly welcomed into Ando’s home Piedmont, a couple dozen miles or so by his wife, Luciana, and his longtime assistant W beyond Genoa, and into the sleepy and collaborator, Patrizia Piccini. We sat down in northern Italian hamlet of Ponzone to meet Ando their red, green, and orange living-room-cum-stu- Gilardi, an 89-year-old Italian photographer, dio and leisurely spoke for a few hours about author, journalist, editor, and the perviest old everything from photography to why Ando perv on the peninsula—a man, we’re embarassed thinks that women hate sex. to admit, we hadn’t known existed a few short Vice: I couldn’t find much information about weeks before. It was then, on a glorious day in your incredible magazines. There are so many, Milan, that we had found two of his magazines, but if I had to pick a favorite it would be Fhototeca Materiali and Phototeca, in a second- Fhototeca Materiali. So tell me, who had the hand bookshop. They were unlike anything we’d balls to publish such a periodical? ever seen. Ando Gilardi: The publisher was a producer and His magazines featured strong, principally distributor of porn videotapes. erotic images, grouped by precise but obscure iconographic motifs. Their garish layouts would That seems about right. How did your collabora- go from a two-page collage of dozens of blowjobs tion with him begin? to a juxtaposition of Victorian-era erotic car- We had founded a magazine a few years before toons and 1980s porn-VHS covers, with poems Fhototeca Materiali named Phototeca. It was a and bits of esoteric texts strewn (seemingly) at very big magazine, and each issue was structured random throughout. As an editor, this guy was around a very specific theme. We’d find lots of unmatched in his talent for titling and assigning images that were related to the theme—both old themes to issues: “Racist Dickheads and Sons of and new, but mostly very old—and we’d put Bitches, There’s a Pogrom Tonight and I’ve them all together in one magazine. Phototeca Nothing to Wear,” “The Artificial Whore,” was funded by a publisher who had a bit of “Assocracy,” and “Catastrophes, Damn Bad money. He invested in it primarily out of vanity. Luck, and Final Solutions” are a few. We soon My ruin, and my fortune, was that this publish- discovered that these wonderful works were only er managed to convince me I was a good writer. a sampling from an oeuvre of half a dozen publi- I wish I’d never written! I’d already been kicked cations that Ando has guided during his career. out of the Communist Party and off the staff of We were instantly hooked. L’Unità, the Communist daily paper, because But it turns out that Ando’s impeccable taste people had managed to convince me I could for searing pornographic images is far from the write well. In the end, this publisher shut it only reason to speak with him. He also cocu- down. He said, “Oooh, Gilardi, we have to get rated the photographic documentation of the rid of that guy. And he’s also a Jew, think of Holocaust that was later used as evidence at the that!” So he sold the magazine to another pub- Nuremberg Trials, authored a dozen books on lisher, who changed the name. photography and various other subjects, creat- That’s when it became Fhototeca, with an “F”? ed one of the world’s largest erotic-image Patrizia Piccini: Yes. The publisher Ando is talking archives, and shared editorial responsibilities about—the one who sold off Phototeca—was with Pier Paolo Pasolini at the Italian also the publisher of Photo Italia. And this new Communist Party’s weekly trade-union maga- publisher took away the “P” and replaced it with zine, Vie Nuove, from 1960 to 1962. an “F.” VICE | 29 “That’s when I realized that words are used to hide things and photographs are used to show them.” Ando: And then, after awhile, that was also exchange for my services. They were looking for shut down. photographers who could reproduce images of Patrizia: He didn’t want to distribute it very the Shoah, of the Holocaust, and who could much. All he cared for was printing it. He start- print them. This was for the Nuremberg Trials. ed cutting all our costs, getting rid of the editors In any case, there was money to be made. I began and the art director, and in the end it was just to print photographs that we would find on pris- Ando and me. oners, images that had been hidden by Jews, Ando: But we liked doing it so much we didn’t whatever. That’s when I realized that words are care. And then, at the very end, we founded yet used to hide things and photographs are used to another magazine, the one you first mentioned— show them. It’s also when I decided I wanted to Fhototeca Materiali. It was more of the same, but work with photography. specifically centered on old images, and primari- You mentioned your stint at the daily Communist ly erotic ones. newspaper L’Unità, which was founded by the OK, let me get this straight: Before Phototeca, great political theorist and philosopher Antonio Fhototeca, and Fhototeca Materiali, you worked Gramsci. What was that like? on a magazine called Photo 13, and after those ini- I worked there for a long, long time, but it ended tial four you founded Fhototeca Index and Index: badly. I was kicked out of L’Unità because, again, Storia Infame della Fotografia Pornografica? they didn’t like that I could write so well. But Patrizia: Yes, that’s the evolution. Ando founded they didn’t kick me out of the party. I had many them all. As it went on, they became more and friends there. They used to have these sort of more centered on erotic photography. internal trials in those years, not civil trials, but trials within the party. They would try you for One thing that was ubiquitous across all the mag- political and cultural reasons. They thought they azines was a cover tagline that read “For cultured couldn’t trust me—not because I was dishon- adults only.” est—but because I was smart and cultured and I Patrizia: Yes. You see, the censors made us write had read a lot of books. The reasoning wasn’t “For adults only” on the cover as a disclaimer, that I had done something wrong, but that I but we didn’t like it. It’s a bit debasing. So we might do something in the future. In that period, added our touch to it. to punish a comrade, they would send him to the Are all the images yours? trade union. The trade union was considered a Ando: We have a couple dozen closets filled with sort of banishment. But I never left the party. The negatives and slides. party left me! I was there until the very end, until Patrizia: We went around and looked through the old party died. collections, and we reproduced what we liked. What happened to you in the trade unions? They aren’t originals. Very unfortunately, they realized that I could Ando: Patrizia! You will die without having write and that I was part of an inferior race. So learned anything. You should say, “Yes, we have they sent me to Lavoro, which was a daily paper all original images.” that the bosses had decided to transform into a Patrizia: Actually, it’s partly true. We do have a weekly magazine of the trade union. I worked lot of originals in our archive in Milan. with Gianni Toti, the great poet, and a woman named Lietta Tornabuoni, who eventually What moved you to create these magazines with became a very famous journalist. She also had so little text, pieced together with erotic images? been punished and sent away from NoiDonne, Ando: It’s a good question, but also a very stupid the historical Italian feminist magazine, one. Our magazine was normal. It’s the other because—and I know that by saying this I am magazines that were pieces of shit. making her a compliment she’ll appreciate—she Fair enough. But how were you first attracted to was a great fucker and she loved to fuck. She photography in general? fucked all the men she could see in a range of ten That’s an old story. After the war—I had been miles. All the other feminists hated her, of active in the resistance—I started getting some course. So we made this weekly magazine. But food stamps for an American mess hall through very soon I realized a magazine like that could a Jewish captain of their armed forces in not work. Clockwise from top left: “Lift the Leaf,” Fhototeca N° 40, May /June 1988; “Differents, Gaydrunks, and Embarrassing Couples,” Phototeca N° 6, Spring 1982; “The Artificial Whore,” Fhototeca N° 41, July /April 1989; spread from “Innocent Games and Sinful Flirts,” Phototeca N° 16, Winter 1984; “Assocracy 2,” Fhototeca N° 39, March /April 1989 30 | VICE VICE | 31 “You ass! You think Ando Gilardi would ever buy a picture? You must be crazy.” Why? Absolutely. First, a magazine can’t work without adverts. At the time there was no internet, obviously, so But big companies would never put their adverts we had a kid in the office of Vie Nuove who used in a trade-union magazine. They would be fund- to go to Pasolini’s house to pick up the copy of his ing the same people who organized strikes in editorials. One day, this kid came back from their factories. Pasolini’s house flustered and pissed off. He start- Of course. And the second reason? ed saying, “That faggot! He touched my ass! He Because there are no bigger assholes than left-wing wanted me to give him a blowjob!” You know intellectuals. I mean this in terms of the ability to what they did? Instead of kicking out this little reason logically—and I’m especially talking about shit, this nobody who should only have been hon- the postwar left. Think about it: You work in a ored to suck Pasolini’s cock, what did they do? factory or in the fields and make a shit wage and They kicked Pasolini out of the paper and, even- break your back every day. You wake up every tually, out of the whole party. I tell you, the left morning and you take it in the ass. And while was very, very stupid. you’re working, you feel—you know—that you And while you did all this, you were working on are taking it up the ass for a few cents. Then, after building up your image archive? a whole day of being fucked up your ass, you go Yes. I always kept up with my passion for histor- home and what? You read a paper that outlines ical photographic documents. I rummaged precisely all the ways in which you have been through collections and museums all my life. I fucked up the ass! A paper that says, “You thought found things I liked and I reproduced them all, Spread from “Catastrophes, Damn Bad Luck, and Final Solutions,” Phototeca N° 5, Winter 1981. The text reads, “Shadows, rats, fangs, asses, mummies, monsters, and cocks: Omens you were taking it up the ass? No, you ignorant, like I did for the Nuremberg Trials. I perfected Symptoms of Degrade Preludes of Destruction Signs of the End. Or not?” illiterate laborer, let me open your eyes! Read here, some techniques of immediate reproduction, I’ll tell you precisely all the other ways you have without being noticed. And all this in a time been taking it up the ass. Ways that you didn’t even when there were no flashes. I invented these know about. You thought you were taking it up to machines—like suitcases—that hid all the mate- your guts, but no, comrade, you are taking it up to rials and equipment I needed. And I carried one the back of your throat!” These papers were, in of those suitcases everywhere. theory, distributed internally. This means that the There must have been at least one instance where same laborers who were reading about being you had to actually pay money for a photo you fucked up the ass should—in their free time—pick couldn’t reproduce for one reason or another. up a bunch of these magazines, hide them in their What? You sound like that kid at Vie Nuove. You clothes, and—risking a fine, or even their job—go ass! You think Ando Gilardi would ever buy a and inform their fellow laborers and comrades picture? You must be crazy. In the worst-case sce- about their repeated classwide ass-raping. nario I would ask the director of the museum if That’s kind of like making death-row inmates put he wanted a copy of the image. But only if he together a magazine about the intricacies of the reimbursed me the development and film costs. I electric chair and lethal injection. Still, I take it never bought anything. I just lugged all my stuff you had a good time doing it? around and did what I did and reproduced what I loved it! I was the first photographer to publish I could without being noticed. I think I’m starting a color photograph of Sophia Loren. She was so to understand why us Jews always end up win- lovely. I ran her picture on the cover of Lavoro, ning after all. for a Labor Day issue. OK, OK, I get it. It is a very admirable talent. But And then Lavoro shut down. So you went off to that shit must have weighed a ton. How did you work for the now-legendary magazine of the do it day after day? Communist Party, Vie Nuove. Copies of that sell I can’t reveal all my secrets, but I’m very proud of for more than a hundred bucks on eBay. it. Keep in mind that I suffered from polio as a Yes. In Vie Nuove I only wrote editorials about child, and since then one of my legs has been par- photography. The only other editorials in there alyzed. This left me with extreme vanity and pride. were written by Pier Paolo Pasolini. And Pasolini, I was a partisan, and I only had one leg. You might you know, was Pasolini. I never loved him as think it must take a certain skill and a certain much as everyone else seemed to, but he was courage to fight as a partisan with only one leg. Pasolini. A huge name! Do you want to hear a But no, war is easy. The really hard part is taking good Pasolini story? a shit. Partisans shit in the woods. And to shit in Spread from “Common People,” Phototeca N° 10, Spring 1983 32 | VICE VICE | 33 “If you go deep inside humans, you’ll find that we don’t like to fuck as much as we like to look at other people fucking.” the woods you have to squat. Now, try to imagine of the most common images in those caves paint- squatting over with only one leg to prop you up! ed by Paleolithic Homo sapiens is the image of Even there I had to have ideas, I had to invent. the vagina. The vagina was one of the first things Well, how did you squat to take a dump? to become a pure symbol: a simple V. Or a V with One of the first weapons I had was a British a line running across the middle of it. It’s extremely interesting to see how that image has Sterling. I adapted it into a peg leg. I would use it evolved over 50,000 years. when I had to take a shit in the woods. That was The most recent development in that regard is a truly great invention. the shaved pussy. It only recently became a com- Let’s get back to your archive. You’ve reproduced mon practice. Pubic hair only had a reason to exist tens of thousands of photographs that don’t when women walked on four legs, like monkeys, belong to you. I take it you don’t believe in the and the hair became a form of protection. Once concept of copyright? humans stood up, it stopped being useful. I think I don’t recognize property rights to an image. I pubic shaving is extremely interesting, because have a profound moral stance on this. I think only now has the image of the perfectly clear vagi- images belong to those who see them. Viewing na returned in iconography. I love those amateur an image means owning that image, remember- porn photographers who try to capture both the ing that image. Let me put it this way: You make vagina and the face of the woman, keeping both in a painting and then you exhibit it. I come to focus. I would like to write a book about the his- “Whips, Redcheeks, and Painful Orgasms,” Phototeca N° 9, Winter 1982; “Thieves, Whores, and No-gooders,” Phototeca N° 1, November 1979 your show with my camera and take pictures of tory of digital pornographic photography. your painting. I am committing a crime only in Are you a fan of YouPorn and those types of the moment that I print that photograph, sell it, video sites? and keep the money. But if I want to hang it in I like xnxx.com most of all. I like to go to their my house, if I want to look at it, play with it, tags page and see what tags become more and less paint a mustache on it, like Duchamp—that’s popular. It’s a mass phenomenon that one would my business. have to be very stupid to not take seriously. I think it’s time we get to the erotic stuff. After Do you think these sites have rendered your type all, it’s the main reason I wanted to talk to you. of work obsolete? I’ve never seen erotic magazines like the ones Not at all. I think they have clearly brought to you made. light the principal desire of humans: voyeurism. If I think I must be one of the greatest pornography you go deep inside humans, you’ll find that we experts in the world. don’t like to fuck as much as we like to look at That reminds me of the disclaimer you ran in other people fucking. Fhototeca: “An obscene photograph is never a What brings you to that conclusion? wasted photograph.” Well, fucking is smelly and tiring and ridiculous Yes, I wrote that. It’s true! and fake. It’s quite ugly, really. And once you’re Well, it made me think about how you’ve always actually doing it, you can’t wait to finish so you been interested in images from a functional can go take a piss. This is especially true for standpoint—be they historical documentations women. Women hate to fuck. Don’t tell me or police portraits or porn—and not so much in you’ve never noticed. You see, millions of years images that are beautiful for beauty’s sake. Erotic ago, there were two species of monkeys. In one of images clearly have a function. Besides the obvi- these species all the men were wiped out and only ous reason that looking at naked people is a the females survived. In the other, the opposite wonderful way to pass the time, why else were happened. So what happened? The females of you attracted to them? one species started reproducing with the males of I wrote a book called Infamous History of another. Women hate to fuck with men who don’t Pornographic Photography because I consider belong to their same species. the pornographic image, not necessarily the pho- Come on now, there must be at least a couple of tography—photos are just the latest means to them who like it. express that image—to be of fundamental signif- No, I don’t think so. All women hate to fuck. icance. Just think of the caves in the Pyrenees; one Take it from me. Spread from “Whips, Redcheeks, and Painful Orgasms,” Phototeca N° 9, Winter 1982 34 | VICE VICE | 35 DOs This month’s DOs & DON’Ts are written by me, the Fat Jew. I’m New York City’s fanciest, sleaziest, hunkiest, ruggedest, bummiest, and sauciest. I’m the ugly Rob Lowe. I’m one-quarter of the rap group Team Facelift—we’re a mix between Barbra Streisand and Wu-Tang Clan. I’m into pedicures, Tony Danza, honey mustard, ribbed turtlenecks, loofahs, not giving a fuck, frenzied behavior, tasteful floral arrangements, Jewish girls from Long Island, making poor decisions, shrimp in baskets, depression, cheap champagne, penny loafers, and watching drunk white girls at bars singing “Juicy.” I wrote these in the nude while surrounded by scented candles (sugar-cookie scent). You’re welcome. If you sit in this car for more than three minutes, you will all of a sudden be wearing a formfitting Armani Exchange t-shirt, have a cell-phone holster on your belt and a severe case of homophobia, and smell like Drakkar Noir. Seriously, it’s like magic. This is what is commonly known as “Living the Dream.” It’s not totally clear whether this Armenian immigrant She’s quite fit, which is always a good look, hangs out He’s the guy you and your family run into at the beach and who walks around selling belts and responding to at American Apparel, and has a great tan. This girl is he knows your mom and she gets weird about it and it questions like “How much is this item?” with “For you, basically a freshman at NYU who makes a terrible turns out they dated briefly in college and you secretly $800,000! I am kidding! Nine,” realizes that he is on the drunken mistake the first week of school and spends the wish he was your dad because he grows his own weed, cutting edge in terms of fashion, but either way I applaud next four years with a nickname like “Skidmark” or listens to Hall & Oates, and uses the term “fingerblasted.” him. He should have DVDs for sale stuffed in his mouth. “Puketits.” Except she’s eight. 36 | VICE Vice Records-1701.indd 1 12/15/09 9:54:59 AM DON’Ts This month’s DOs & DON’Ts are written by me, the Fat Jew. Looking like you just came from an anime convention used to be amazing until it became boring. It would be a lot If being a middle-aged man who looks like a lesbian more shocking and awesome if they were wearing sensible Rockport walking sneakers and nonwrinkle khakis. dental hygienist with skin that looks like a vintage leather jacket is a good look, then this guy is ON FIRE. This is what I imagine every person under 25 will look You’re 17, have cheekbones like Jared Leto, can get an You’ll see this gal strolling around New York with a like in the year 2018, and I want no part of it. Being erection on command, and have understanding parents. backpack full of hope and a huge grin, absolutely reeking tragically hip and androgynous with a well-conditioned Wait until you’re 27, cocaine has assassinated your of being Canadian. She will walk around downtown with emo haircut and Star Trek glasses is awful like getting ability to get a boner, and you’re living in a one-bedroom no shoes on, give homeless dudes long-winded punched in the dick. with a girlfriend you resent and hate sleeping with so explanations of why she can’t spare any change, get her much that you masturbate while she’s in the shower. camera stolen, step on a rusty nail, and still have an Then you can cry, you little bitch. amazing attitude. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? © 2009 Lakeshore Entertainment Group LLC and Lions Gate Films Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed in Canada by MAPLE PICTURES. www.maplepictures.com 38 | VICE © 2009 Lions Gate Films, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Distributed in Canada by MAPLE PICTURES. www.maplepictures.com Maple-1701_CA.indd 1 12/23/09 7:13:23 PM DOs This month’s DOs & DON’Ts are written by me, the Fat Jew. These are the guys who have the audacity to take their shirts off in the middle of the nightclub, mouth the lyrics to a I don’t know if it’s the slightly lazy eye or what, but he is Rihanna song to each other, drink cranberry vodkas and make incredibly heavy eye contact, then call some guy a freaking me out. He looks like he’d rip your throat out, faggot for wearing leather pants and throw a drink directly at his face. You have to respect their heterosexual- swallow it, and then say “Don’t ever disrespect me homoerotic circus—it has no laws. again” to you IN YOUR OWN VOICE. I wish he was my uncle, and by uncle I mean longtime family friend who always kind of seems like he’d try to fuck your mom if your dad ever died. I have had exactly two erections in the last 90 days, but This is the type of Austrian couple who listen to drum ’n’ You meet him on a boardwalk in some dumpy beach seeing a girl who looks like a sprite that came out of a bass, dress like they’re pimps on Halloween, and are so town, he knows everybody and everything, he can get magical forest filled with other moderately hip chicks sexually liberated that it’s uncomfortable. They’ll you great seafood salad or help you find coke. If he ever makes my little Jewish dick very hard. If her bicycle had approach you and your girlfriend at a coffee shop about migrated to a big city he’d end up on a food line waiting a basket filled with fresh vegetables and a Charles having a foursome and totally not be offended if you’re for a hot meal, but in this crappy seaside hamlet he is Bukowski novel I could legitimately achieve an orgasm not into it. the goddamn mayor. Also, if you squint your eyes he to this. looks like a MILF. 40 | VICE EMI-1701_CA.indd 1 12/29/09 10:56:10 AM DON’Ts This month’s DOs & DON’Ts are written Catch these by me, the Fat Jew. 2 Great Thrillers available now at HMV “A REMORSELESS MARCH INTO THE DARK.” - Roger Ebert, CHICAGO SUN-TIMES “SHUTTLE IS A GRIM AND TWISTED EXERCISE IN HIGH-STRESS TERROR.” - Ted Fry, SEATTLE TIMES This guy is a total toss-up in terms of what he does with his life. He’s either a crystal-meth addict who works part- If you’re six-foot-ten and you find yourself at a daytime time at a place called Smoothie Hut or he’s a kid who went to your high school who is now the #12-ranked Razor- rave dressed as a giant alien with mascara running scooter rider in America and gets flown around the world getting rich off his stoner college hobby. Either way I down your face, it may finally be time to stop listening wouldn’t let him have protected sex with my sister. to your unconditionally supportive friends and family and seriously consider taking your own life. “ELECTRIC! A NERVY, FREQUENTLY EXHILARATING THRILLER.” - Scott Foundas, VILLAGE VOICE/LA WEEKLY STARRING OSCAR®-WINNING ACTRESS TILDA SWINTON If Annie Lennox banged a caveman and they had a child What do you like more: his sick, toned body, his very Somehow you stumble upon the MySpace page of these and it learned how to dress by watching the 1995 cyber- reasonably sized package, or his feather duster? Oh guys’ band, the genre is “Electro /screamo /emo /punk / thriller Hackers, it would look exactly like this confused right, or his studded leather outfit that you might find pop,” and they have songs about having text sex with European blemish on the forehead of humanity. hidden deep in your dad’s closet with a spiral notebook chicks. As you’re remarking how embarassing they are, you that has “I hate fags” written over and over on every see that they have gigs booked from now until next year page? There is no right answer—they are all great. and are 17 years old, while you have no health insurance. 42 | VICE Mongril Media-1701_CA.indd 1 12/30/09 2:25:44 PM Work Hard Play Hard PHOTOGRAPHS BY BEN RITTER CREATIVE DIRECTOR: JOHN McSWAIN STYLIST: ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS Stylist’s assistant: Ian Bradley Shoot assistant: Sarah Bassett Hair: Shane Tison Makeup: Emi Kaneko Models: Matthew at Q, Rushi at BMG, Americo at Red All models wearing Tom Ford for Men cologne Special thanks to Vespa Brooklyn Billy Reid jacket, J.Crew shirt and belt, Loden Dager pants, Paul Smith socks, agnès b. shoes and tie, Dior Homme bag, American Spirit cigarette scooter, Vespa Shipley & Halmos jacket and pants, Original Penguin shirt tie, Burberry belt, Nooka watch, Fred Flare cup 44 | VICE Billy Reid coat, agnès b. jacket, pants, and belt, Dior Homme shirt, Spurr tie, Paul Frank glasses, Burberry umbrella hat, 01 the One watch Nudie jacket, Caufield Preparatory shirt, Loden Dager pants, Original Penguin tie, agnès b. belt, Topman 46 | VICE r agnès b. jacket, Sisley shirt, Topman pants and bow tie, Ben Sherman shoes agnès b. jacket, Sisley shirt, Topman Shipley & Halmos suit, Loden Dager shirt, Original Penguin tie, vintage pocket square from Screaming Mimi’s, Incase iPhone cove Shipley & Halmos suit, Loden Dager shirt, Original Penguin tie, vintage pocket square from Screaming Mimi’s, 48 | VICE s Topman jacket, Nudie shirt, Ben Sherman pants, Paul Smith socks, belt, and glasses, Florsheim by Duckie Brown shoes, Marc Jacob Topman dog collar and leash coat, Fred Flare water bottle, Barneys New York Burberry jacket, United Colors of Benetton shirt, Topman pants, Ben Sherman shoes and belt, Timo Weiland bow tie Weiland pants, Ben Sherman shoes and belt, Timo Burberry jacket, United Colors of Benetton shirt, Topman 50 | VICE Merkin’ Around PHOTOGRAPHS BY ED ZIPCO, MERKINS BY HILARY OLSON STYLIST: ANNETTE LAMOTHE-RAMOS Makeup: James Boehmer, Stylist’s assistants: Eleny Ramirez, Sarah Basset Photo assistants: Matt Jones, Nicholas Chatfield-Taylor, William Dunleavy, Janjan Tayson Special thanks to Alex Beard and Mia Beurskens for letting us defile their beautiful home with pubic wigs Swatch watch, vintage earrings from Screaming Mimi’s 52 | VICE VICE | 53 Kiki de Montparnasse shirt shirt, American Apparel socks, Candace Ang necklace. Painting by Jesse Gelaznik. Topshop 54 | VICE VICE | 55 messenger bag. lockwise): Ashish shorts, Kiki de Montparnasse bra and robe, Swatch watch Casio watch. In the background (c On model: PH8 by Bebe shirt, Look from London tights, vintage bracelet Screaming Mimi’s, sneakers, Palladium boot, Gravis Gravis bag and boot, C1rca umbrella, Rodebjer tank, Candace Ang necklace, Burton handbag, Vans 56 | VICE VICE | 57 Photos by Jaimie Warren 58 | VICE VICE | 59 60 | VICE VICE | 61 62 | VICE VICE | 63 The Icelandic Skin-Disease Mushroom Fashion Fiasco BY HAMILTON MORRIS, PHOTOS BY PETER SUTHERLAND RUNWAY PHOTOS BY ARNÓR HALLDÓRSSON DAY 1 feature being which (muted) color the corru- The models wear numbered tags around I was starting to get dreads, which I couldn’t gated-aluminum roof has been painted. their necks and walk around in endless cir- remove even with a vigorous combing, so I Before leaving New York, someone told me cles. Number 47 has orange skin. Number 22 decided it was time to cut off my hair. After that Iceland has the world’s highest suicide swings her arms a lot. Number 36 is a male leaving the barber I found mysterious circu- rate, which, as it turns out, is not true but model with anus-like lips and an asymmetri- lar red rashes on my neck. It’s strange to might as well be. Unexpectedly we are not cal haircut. I also begin to realize the girls are think they’d probably been on my body for staying at a hotel but rather an abandoned all about 13 years old. Designers furiously months totally unnoticed—from the look of NATO base with the friendly name Barrack note numbers and snap pictures, while whis- them, I’m almost certain it’s psoriasis. I try to 747. My room is outfitted with a box of pering in one another’s ears. ignore this disgusting realization as I go to traditional Icelandic chocolates and a tradi- One of the designers sitting next to me meet Peter Sutherland at JFK Airport. We are tional Icelandic-troll refrigerator magnet. asks if I am Hamilton Morris. She tells me being sent on an all-expenses-paid trip to The troll’s nose is broken. she loves my columns, to which I can only Iceland to cover their fashion week. I have I was given a contact for a fishermen respond, “Oh wow, that’s crazy.” Her name never heard of Iceland fashion week, I don’t named Geri who is going to be my mush- is Jules. There is something about all this think anybody has, but it’s not really impor- room-hunting guide. Peter and I drive over to that makes me feel like I’m in seventh grade tant. What is important is that Iceland is his apartment and he debriefs us on the at a school dance. Jules works with a design- supposed to have endless fields of P. Icelandic drug scene, or lack thereof. Geri is er named Agi. They’re both from London. I Semilanceata—the legendary liberty cap without question a direct Viking descendent; could describe all the other designers in mushroom—and, according to one friend, he has flowing blond hair and a giant square detail, but for the sake of brevity, Jules and “the best hotdogs on earth,” which contain head and looks generally warriorlike. He Agi seem to be the only people in attendance lamb and specially cooked onions or some- tells me that mushrooms do grow in Iceland, who are not completely fucking awful. By thing? I can’t remember. but we have arrived too early to pick them. I the end of the casting, both Peter and I have When we check in, the clerk sees that I’m conceal my extreme disappointment as he been asked to model for different lines. I eat holding a guide to psilocybin-mushroom hammers the point home by saying there is a a suspiciously white salmon cutlet that identification. He shoots me a sidelong 99.9 percent chance that we will not find smells like Chinatown. glance and says, “The shit is in the shit.” I mushrooms. When leaving his apartment, we We leave the casting with spirits high and nod to show my understanding, but he feels drive past a corrugated-aluminum Quiznos, go to the first fashion show. The runway, compelled to keep repeating himself eerily. undoubtedly the saddest Quiznos on earth. which is actually a pile of boxes, is in the When we arrive at the gate, the same clerk is The press events start with a tour of a showroom of a car dealership. At this point scanning boarding passes; he gives me anoth- bottled-water factory, which we miss, but I it’s 2 PM in my infinite day and I begin to er look and says, “Are you tripping yet?” I arrive just in time for a model casting that drink flutes of white wine, eat hors d’oeu- say, “What?” and he replies, “Pick one for takes place in the food court of a shopping vres, and mingle with what the promotional me.” I smile but it’s chilling, and seems like mall, next to a Panda Express. Seeing the pamphlet describes as a “select group of an omen that my plane is going to explode. teeming hoard of aspiring models is excit- designers, key members of the press, and We take a red-eye flight, which arrives in ing, initially, but on closer examination they luminaries of the Icelandic community.” Iceland at eight in the morning, effectively are all strange and slightly scary. They wear The alcohol and dog Valium help me merging yesterday and today into the longest layers of lumpy foundation and their faces tremendously. Suddenly, fiery technorches- day of my life. The sky is a dyspeptic early- look pinched and nervous. Their nervous- tral beats begin to play. Heads turn, the morning gray that can only be appreciated ness is contagious. Although I have been crowd’s murmurs are drawn to a reverent after not having slept for a night. The land- awake for close to 30 hours, I begin to chew hush, and what is instantly recognizable as scape outside the airport is unimaginably Valium tablets that I inherited after the the score to The Matrix Revolutions fills the bleak, an endless expanse of despair-inducing recent death of my beloved French bulldog, showroom. Models march down the run- gray rock and variations on the same houses Jackpot Jr. (he suffered from chronic insom- way, their faces encrusted in small mirrored made from the same materials with the same- nia). As the anxiolytics sweep over me, I feel tiles; all of them wearing elastic Lexus- size windows, their only distinguishing a mixture of gratitude and guilt. brand bathing suits and fur antlers. 64 | VICE VICE | 65 We leave the showroom and go buy half an ounce of piney Icelandic weed. I can’t get it into my lungs fast enough. DAY 2 In order to further make me feel like I’m in seventh grade, we are treated to a whale watch that begins at eight in the morning. In New England, all the whales are friendly; they nes- tle against the boat like a lamb to a ewe. I would imagine the whales in Iceland are a lit- tle more wary of being shot with a mechanical spear gun, but we are assured that we will catch at least a glimpse. I get on the boat and “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” is blasting from shitty speakers at cochlea-bursting vol- ume. At 10 AM I decide it’s “time to relax” and begin drinking. The beer is the only warm thing for miles. The water is an incredibly cold-looking turquoise color, and it seems that if I were to bestonedly fall overboard I would have about 45 seconds to thrash around before dying of acute hypothermia and having my corpse swallowed by a whale. and I blow lumps of what appear to be cof- shoulder repeatedly. It’s an endless proces- Inexplicably, I wake The boat is wallpapered with hundreds of fee grounds from my sinuses. A model sion of shoulder checkers, which is possibly photos of people holding up fish they caught wearing a silver windbreaker catches a fish the most annoying social ritual in existence. and smiling. They look like stock photos that and kisses its eyeball. “Knockin’ on Heaven’s There is nothing that can be done; by the up with my clothing come inside a new picture frame and it over- Door” starts blasting again, and it now time it’s happened the checker is already whelms me with a sense of unreality. I occurs to me that it’s about ten steps too walking away, but even if they stopped, what on backward. wonder, will I ever be in a photo like that? I tragic of a monster ballad for fishing. would I say? I drink continuously and every- smoke a joint and find myself giving a Everyone is taking digital photos of them- thing fades out into a vaguely European Without warning, the gray sky begins to detailed explanation of how to synthesize selves holding their catch and somehow, just Bacardi Dragon Berry commercial, which, gush rain, and from there everything unrav- methcathinone to a reporter from the Travel as I had anticipated, I am left out of the ritu- thankfully, is erased from my memory. els. “Fashion week” has been extremely Channel, a halting explanation filled with al. Jules and I crowd around a heat chimney Although, once again, I do remember a weird thus far. All of the other shows I went “Ummm… using an oxidizing agent like at the top of the boat to avoid freezing to distinct lack of dignity. to were unremarkable except for the fact that potassium permanganate?” fully aware that death. At some point I pass out and wake up they were held in parking lots or abandoned she cannot understand anything I say. Her to find the boat totally empty with the excep- DAY 3 concrete docks or dining rooms. Now it is cameraman falls down a flight of stairs, tion of Peter. Nobody saw a whale. Inexplicably, I wake up with my clothing on official: This is not just the world’s worst spilling food all over his chest, and says, “I’m This changes when we drive to a meal backward. I go to eat my continental break- fashion week—this is a scam! Six designers Photographers snap pictures furiously amid py joint that’s more like a weed dumpling. I not drunk.” organized for the designers and press, con- fast and the Travel Channel cameraman is leave, pack up their clothing, and catch cabs a chorus of recorded operatic screams. The begin to realize that the gray of the sky never Suddenly, models climb out of the bilge sisting of whale sashimi and puffin flying a remote-controlled helicopter around to the airport. The organizer screams at the male models hump their Lexus-bedazzled changes, making any sense of time melt and stage a small fashion show. They try to tartar—both of which, suspiciously, are the the restaurant. Some people ignore him, oth- designers, “Clearly you have never seen bodies across the showroom, stopping away. It makes me feel vaguely nauseated. maintain their balance staggering across the exact same shade of crimson. The meat is ers take pictures. Today Jules and Agi are Milan fashion week, it’s just like this!” Then momentarily to drag a finger down the side- We go to dinner, where I get obscenely drunk boat’s cabin through rows of folding chairs. oleaginous and fills me with guilt. The wait- showing their line with the rest of the fash- she calls the police to have the designers view mirror of a silver sedan like it’s an and gorge myself on pastry-wrapped lamb. I They wear Gortex raincoats and shapeless er takes my uneaten food and throws it in the ion-week designers. We drive to the runway arrested for leaving the show. I am told she erect cock. The score to King Arthur plays stumble down a flight of stairs looking for cotton pants. I wonder, is this a real fashion trash. At night I get extremely drunk once and find that it’s actually made of bottled then tried to steal all their clothing, but I didn’t next. It is now patently clear that I traveled the bathroom. In the restaurant’s lower level, show? It all looks suspiciously like normal again in a building with a reproduction of a water on stacked pallets, in a parking lot see it happen. A police officer arrives and 2,662 miles from Brooklyn to watch the I find a giant unguarded cellar with hundreds clothing from L.L.Bean. tenth-century Viking ship. The walls have behind a hamburger restaurant adjacent to a looks totally nonplussed as two designers world’s most awkward Lexus commercial. of bottles of wine. I run toward the bottles I smoke another joint and decide to ask photos of politicians delighting in the boat’s large carnival. There is a ride called the from Miami tell him that he knows Meek applause follows. and slam my entire body into a large glass the captain if he’ll allow me to steer for a craftsmanship. Bill Clinton, particularly, Turbo Drop just a few yards off that is hoist- “absolutely nothing about fashion!” I look We leave the showroom and go buy half window polished to the point of invisibility. while. He obliges, handing me the wheel and seems to have enjoyed it. There is an air of ing children up a tower, dropping them, and over at the Turbo Drop and see a shoe fall off an ounce of piney Icelandic weed. I can’t get Undignified. Peter and I pass out in the lobby a tin of snuff. He advises I do the snuff “just hostility on the streets at night. Around the then repeating the cycle. The children scream a child’s foot. Apparently the effect is conta- it into my lungs fast enough and roll a slop- of the restaurant. like coke.” The boat stops so we can fish, bars, normals travel in packs and slam my with metronomic regularity. gious because shortly after the first shoe falls, 66 | VICE VICE | 67 which I drink warily, but it tastes electrically DAY 4 tion. I place a fresh mushroom in my mouth of gravestones. The soil is made of hundreds Peter and I and all good—like licking the perineum of a Geri decides to take us mushroom hunting, and it tastes similar to its American brethren, of human cadavers at varying levels of He tells me that I 10,000-year-old iceberg. I try to figure out It’s still raining lightly, and the moisture has though chemically the liberty cap is a distinct decomposition. Perhaps the tryptamine- the other models whether this is really a scam or just an caused the mushrooms to begin fruiting early fungal entity. One of the key factors when based neurotransmitters from their brains must look into the incredibly bad fashion week held in a bank- this season. Geri is astonished that in New identifying psilocybin mushrooms is the blue and bodily tissue have been feeding the agree that the rupt country. Ultimately, they are the same. I York people grow their own mushrooms bruises that form when they are handled. mushroom mycelium, altering the chemical clumps of coarse, scratch my neck. instead of picking them from the fertile earth. Liberty caps produce no such bruise because composition of the mushrooms. It hardly runway experience The designers stage a coup d’état and hold In Iceland, liberty caps grow with great they are completely devoid of psilocin. seems out of the question. darkly colored an independent fashion show at Iceland’s sec- abundance in both the spring and the fall. I Instead, liberty caps have a more stable, oxi- We leave with bags of psychedelic mush- “sends chills down ond-biggest nightclub. They call the show have never picked mushrooms, nor have I dation-resistant psilocybin, as well as a room and drive Geri home. Geri’s apartment grass, and within “Rebel.” There isn’t enough dog Valium in tasted liberty caps, and the prospect of doing mammoth concentration of the mysterious is filled with samurai swords, venomous your spine.” the world to make this tolerable. I sit back- both fills me with glee. Geri takes us to his alkaloid baeocystin. snakes, and a large collection of rats in a fish moments I’m stage watching makeup artists airbrush faces secret spot, a graveyard on the side of the Baeocystin has always fascinated me. It’s tank. Hundreds and hundreds of liberty caps and designers hysterically scream demands at road. He tells me that I must look into the the subject of endless debate among mycolo- are spread out drying on newspapers detail- recognizing small all the children begin dropping their shoes. their models. The air is heavy with Aqua Net. clumps of coarse, darkly colored grass, and gists and druggies. Even though it’s one of the ing the Icelandic financial collapse. His It’s raining shoes. The children waiting in the Peter and I are suited in Agi’s clothing, which within moments I’m recognizing small vil- most common components of psychedelic roommates, who have just taken Adderall for villages of slimy, line for the Turbo Drop run to pick the fall- could be described as hippie heroin hobo lages of slimy, conical mushrooms with mushrooms, nobody knows what, if the first time, crowd around a computer, en shoes and hurl them, with all their might. chic. To complete the look, I am drunk and spindly stalks. He advises me to pinch off the anything, it does. Some say it’s responsible watching videos of riots at the parliament conical mushrooms I begin to formulate a conspiracy theory unwashed. My runway debut is a smashing stems so as not to damage the mycelium from for the darkness of the mushrooms—the building. One of them groans, “Oh man, tear involving the water company that sponsors success. Peter and I and all the other models which they grow. His gentlemanly behavior sickness and the fear; some say that it pro- gas, that was awful,” and then I notice that all the events. Iceland is the only place I have agree that the runway experience “sends and fungal etiquette compensate for the end- duces effects identical to psilocybin; others Geri’s snake has a bulge in its belly where it with spindly stalks. ever been where you cannot buy bottled chills down your spine.” Everyone packs up less fashion-related misery I have been say that it has absolutely no effect at all. has swallowed a rat. I ask him about it and water. If you ask for water in a supermarket their clothing and gets extremely drunk in a subjected to over the past days. How could one of the most common mush- he tells me that it’s actually a bundle of they look at you like you’re asking to buy an mixture of celebration, confusion, and thinly There is something tremendously satisfy- room alkaloids remain uncharacterized? I malignant tumors. rooms. I fill my mouth, chewing them and oxygen tank—and who would be more masked disappointment. I smoke a joint ing about picking psychedelic mushrooms. I have no idea, but liberty caps have more I go back to Barrack 747, knock on Jules swishing them against my cheeks. As the car interested in changing this than the evil pro- rolled in what are supposed to be chocolate- fill my jacket pockets, crouching among the baeocystin than almost any other known and Agi’s door, and convince them to come pulls into the parking lot through the digital- prietors of the glacial-water company? I chip-cookie-dough-flavored papers, but it tombstones, straining my eyes and combing species. Additionally, there is something odd with us to Iceland’s famous Blue Lagoon. We photo-taking Asian tourists, I catch my first reach into the runway and pull out a bottle, tastes (suspiciously) like fruit punch. the grass with amphetaminergic concentra- about mushrooms that grow in the shadow drive to the lagoon and begin to eat mush- glimpse of the lagoon’s majestic blue waters. 68 | VICE VICE | 69 Peter’s goo melts into a slightly scary Venetian mask. His nose drips into his beard. “Hey, you’ve got a boog,” he says. Like the Dead Sea or the vortices of Sedona, water. I dunk my head under and swim, let- mask. His nose drips into his beard. “Hey, the healing waters of the Blue Lagoon ting the minerals burn my open eyes and you’ve got a boog,” he says. I pull ropes of snot attract diseased people from around the pour into my mouth. Diatoms flitter around from my nose like silk scarves from a magi- world. The unique minerals and algae of the me. I’m trying to make sense of all this. What cian’s sleeve. There is no end to it, there is no water give it powerful therapeutic effects just happened? Was it a scam? In any case, I cure. The heartbreak of psoriasis. Helical ropes against virtually every skin disease. Within wasn’t scammed. I’m only a scam witness, so of white steam spurt out of a fiberglass geyser moments I see hordes of people with flesh- was it just another week? It’s like Hansel and and rain down on me like children’s shoes. eating bacterial infections, werewolfism, Gretel, only without Hansel or Gretel. I I pull up a handful of glop from the ground, and leprosy crowding into the water. But move toward a cage containing drums of a handful of troll semen. It collects in the cor- there is one skin disease above all others in white silica paste. A cyclops spreads the goo ners of the lagoon. It’s plentiful. I spread it out which the lagoon specializes. Psoriasis. The across his T-zone. A mirthless security guard across my hand and examine the contents. It’s blue lagoon is an international psoriasis stands over the drums with a walkie-talkie all decay, it’s like an owl pellet. Sapropel, mecca. I don’t need to be ashamed of the red making sure nobody abuses the goo. I grab a pubes, silt, strings of organic green material circles on my neck anymore. handful and throw it at Jules and Peter. The that I can’t identify. There is such a wealth of As we check into the locker room, I have goo guard glowers. goo. And I place a glob in my mouth. The taste already started to trip. I can’t figure out how Everyone’s face is covered with white geo- is complicated, but it fills me with gratitude. to close my locker and ask for help. thermal jelly. It’s Iceland’s biggest goo party. See the visual actualization of this article on VBS.TV in Suddenly, I’m flanked on all sides by nude Peter’s goo melts into a slightly scary Venetian February. psoriatic men shouting instructions on how to operate the electronic key while their gen- itals brush against me. I step into the shower and let the warm water egg yolk over my head. I used to swim at the MIT pool twice a day in the summer when I was ten, and it was equally strange being subjected to so much decaying flesh. Maybe the public shower is a rite of passage— mole-covered scrota, balding balls, etiolated penises. Skin like the surface of an everything bagel. I yawn into infinity. Geri told me that some people come to the lagoon with the express purpose of dying. He said the lagoon is connected directly to the earth’s mantle. Occasionally a vein of magma bursts under a bather, instantaneously boiling them alive. The charred remains of bodies are found blue- tinged and washed up on the rocks. I step inside the sizzling-hot paradisiacal 70 | VICE Sitka-1701_CA.indd 1 12/29/09 11:06:16 AM Love and Rockers Ted Bafaloukos Taught Us Everything We Know About Jamaica INTERVIEW BY TASSOS BREKOULAKIS, PORTRAIT BY FREDDIE F. PHOTOS COURTESY OF THEODOROS BAFALOUKOS heodoros Bafaloukos wrote and directed Rockers, the film Gutsy. What was in the notebook? that single-handedly made Jamaica and reggae interesting to The addresses of all the people I had met on the island, mostly musi- Tcouch-cozy white folks, their stoner kids, and a bunch of cians. I had promised to send them photographs upon my return to famous English punks with guitars. Today, Ted is not so reclusive as America, which I did. he is remote, spending his time at his childhood home on the seclud- So did they let you go immediately? ed Greek island of Andros. Over 30 years later, we made the long After I put the notebook in my pocket the guy said nothing, didn’t journey for this, his first-ever print interview. even budge. I answered his questions but he didn’t even know what In addition to screenwriting and filmmaking, Bafaloukos was to ask me. He had probably made a few phone calls and realized that also a production designer for three Oscar-winning directors this was all a mistake. (Barry Levinson, Errol Morris, Jonathan Demme) and has helped conceive countless famous music videos, including that one for Looking at pictures of you from this period, you looked more like the Aerosmith where Alicia Silverstone bungee-jumps off a freeway lead in a Zapatista porn than a CIA agent. overpass in a flannel and then flips off Stephen Dorff. Why, what does a CIA agent look like? [laughs] I had a Greek pass- After a brief tour of his house—several hundred paintings and port, which made me look even more suspicious. They took it away This is Ted at his childhood home on the island of Andros, Greece. We’ll let him explain the rest of what you’re looking at. images of magnified snake parts dot the walls—he sat us down and and kept me there for what seemed like an eternity. Another guy started thumbing his way through some old photo albums. Many of came to interrogate me, but that again led nowhere. It was 10 or 11 at night when suddenly this white guy appears and says, “Come with these were from his time shooting Rockers. As you’ll see, it’s a trove me,” leads me out of the room, puts me in a cab, and says, “Go, just of archival happiness. go.” I said, “What about my passport?” And he said, “Get out of Vice: How did you first find yourself in Jamaica? here, man.” So I left. I went to the house I was sharing and found Theodoros Bafaloukos: I went there in 1975 as a freelance pho- them all there: my friend, Augustus Pablo, the whole gang. They were tographer for Island Records with a friend, a young guy in the all younger than me. They were all scared and staring at me as if I reggae scene. We took photos of faces on the island. It was inter- had come back from the dead. They basically said, “Sorry, they’ll esting and exciting. It was also funny because they arrested me as come to kill you tonight and we don’t want to stick around.” a CIA spy. Were they teasing you? Uh-oh. What happened? No, they weren’t. Stuff like that happened all the time. I’d gone to a radio station to speak to someone from the community. I This is a completely different picture of Jamaica than the one you wanted to ask him for equipment and for help shooting a documen- present in Rockers. tary—which is what I wanted to do originally. I was in the car with my There was this idea that everything was going swell, because of Bob friend, who was driving, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a man sticks Marley’s success. Even for reggae, the reality was different—much his hand through the window, grabs a small notebook from my chest harsher. And harsher still for a white guy in the middle of it. I lived pocket, and runs into the building shouting “CIA, CIA!” I got out and there for a couple years before we started shooting. Those Jamaicans tried to run after him, but when I got back, my friend and the car had living in the ghettoes of Kingston were innocent people in their every- vanished. I was scared. I found myself completely stranded, surround- day lives and this is exactly what I wanted to capture in the film—a ed by strangers. The friends who had left told me later that they were more realistic picture of who they were, or who they really wanted to terrified. We’re talking about a time when fear reigned and everyone be. Something like Robin Hood. Jamaica was a fantasy world where was scared. reality as we knew it could not exist. When did the police arrive? How do you mean? Two jeeps appeared out of nowhere, full of cops—some in uniform, They lived in a setting that cut them off from the real world. You had others looking like bouncers. The tougher ones with Uzis pounced nowhere to go; there was seldom someone you could call “Dad.” out of the vehicle and arrested me. They put me in the jeep and There were simply men who had relationships with women. There paraded me through the streets at low speed so all could see that they was no real family structure. In most cases, children were not had arrested a CIA agent! They took me to the police station, where acknowledged, and though you would grow up with a mother, there it became obvious that they had no idea what to do with me. So they was nothing there to support you in any way, because it was really took me to another guy, who interviewed me. tough. It was practically impossible for anything to come out of that An interview? situation apart from a tolerance for violence, a gang mentality among An interrogation. When I entered the room, the interrogator was young kids as everyone else struggled to eke out a living. But it’s seated behind a desk with my notebook next to him. I went over, important to realize that a great many people managed to live under picked up the notebook from the desk, and put it into my pocket. these conditions peacefully and productively. This was something. “Me and Leroy ‘Horsemouth’ Wallace, the legendary pioneering drummer and star of Rockers, modeling in downtown Kingston, 1977.” 72 | VICE VICE | 73 How did Jamaica feel to someone from Andros and New York? Really exotic. An unusual experience. “My aim in the film was very Even more unusual than New York? You’re from this tiny village in simple: From the beginning I Greece. Look, I left Andros for Athens at age 17 from this very house, from this very table we are sitting around right now. I was lucky enough thought of it as a song, and so to have a very open-minded father who advised me—without pres- suring me—to go to the Rhode Island School of Design, one of the the issue was not what to world’s top design schools. include, but what I would When was this? This was between 1964 and 1968—the sex, drugs, and rock ’n’ roll era. After school I returned to Greece during the junta, to serve in the leave out.” military. In the meantime I married Eugenie—this year we celebrate 39 years of marriage. After my discharge from the army we went to Was all this a strictly local Jamaican scene? Was it some sort of ghetto? Minnesota and after that we packed up and went to New York. We Very localized. You could call it a ghetto, but it wasn’t really. Ghettos became bohemians and lived in an abandoned building in Tribeca. in Jamaica were neighborhoods of blocks built around courtyards, How did you earn a living? like Athens in the 20s and 30s or like African villages. In them were I worked various freelance jobs. Eugenie worked in the textile indus- social structures with a life of their own that functioned separately try as a designer. Basically, I kept myself busy repairing the building from the broader context, which was the government, the police, the we lived in and would work odd jobs. I worked as a photographer, army, and the justice system. The local radio stations seldom played until New York magazine commissioned me to do a shoot of a young any reggae. They played soul and disco, as did the clubs. Jamaican at the Tropical Club, a seedy club in Brooklyn. I went there They didn’t support their own scene? and suddenly Augustus Pablo appeared playing a melodica. I was It wasn’t their own scene, because no one made any money from it. dumbfounded. He was also the first one I met. Only a few guys who owned the sound systems made any money. In At that point, what did you know about reggae? fact, only two people were behind most of the first releases: Coxton I heard Bob Marley for the first time while he was with the Wailers Dodd [of the Studio One label] and Duke Reid [of the Treasure Isle in 1974, totally by fluke. Eugenie and I were on our way to label]. When the genre started gaining ground internationally, things Minnesota and we stopped for a few days to see a friend in Chicago. began to change, and by the mid-70s reggae as we knew it disap- One night she said, “Let’s go to a club with interesting music,” and peared. It was impossible for the same people to be in so many bands. it was Bob Marley. It was an unbelievable gig. There were only enough musicians for five or six bands. Bob Marley What sort of music were you into back then? took with him some of the best. The others started moving to New “It was the summer of 1977 and we were shooting Rockers in St. Ann’s, on the north side of Jamaica. The actors and the crew carried supplies and equipment through the hills to shoot a York and London. By the end of the 70s, there was no one left. You scene in a ganja field.” Many things. Mainly rock music and R&B. My wife had two brothers who played the guitar. And lots of blues, of course. If my heart had only could say that it all ended with the One Love Peace Concert in 1978. room for one kind of music, it would have to be the blues. Everything It’s interesting that Rockers is missing many of the typical Jamaican began in a bizarre sort of way through my love for rebetika. ingredients, such as the palm trees and the beaches. Why is that? Rebetika being a Greek form of the blues. It’s done on purpose. My aim in the film was very simple: From the What happened with rebetika and the blues happened with Bob beginning I thought of it as a song, and so the issue was not what to Marley’s music as well. Rocksteady and ska were already around, but include, but what I would leave out. I had to choose. You can’t fit when I heard Augustus Pablo I realized that it was something very pro- everything in a film. My grandmother, who had never gone to school found, something over and above what you heard. Reggae had musical and was a wonderful woman, would watch me draw when I was depth and a great variety of sounds. If you look at reggae between the young and say, “This is too loaded,” if I had put in too many ele- end of the 60s and the beginning of the 70s, you won’t believe that it ments. In my case, I tried to stay within a certain framework and I was all done by the same 20-odd people in the Kingston studios. did not see myself as a filmmaker, but generally as an artist. Literally. All these genres emerged simultaneously and from the same Were you confident your movie would be a success? musicians—ska, rocksteady, reggae, rocker, the dubs. I felt that the film was going to be exceptional, but at the same time my They were one and the same? mind was fixed on completing it. Anything could happen during the The people who began ska also began reggae: no more than two or shoot, which could make the whole project go up in flames. One day three drummers, guitarists, and bassists. The quality of the singers a kid could pull the trigger and kill someone—this is Kingston we are became crucial, their ability to inspire the musicians. The sound was talking about, a place were 600 kids were killed during that year—and there, and the only thing missing were the little 45 rpms that had to be this would be a total disaster. That would be the end. A great part of cut as quickly as possible—in two hours, even in a half hour—so that the population got killed, and most of the time for no reason. costs were kept at a minimum. The recordings would be done in rudi- Over what, exactly? mentary studios, the new tracks played in big outdoor dance sessions, This was gang warfare, but believe it or not the law did not discour- over the weekends, traveling with vans chock-full of amps and massive age this because guns were everywhere. There was a lust for guns, it speakers. This was music intended for immediate consumption. Later was very cool to carry one, and there were also politicians who went they began recording 45s on the spot and selling them in just a few around with entire armies of armed guys. The greatest fear was these shacks or shops. That’s how it was. And they sold more in the UK and 11- and 12-year-old kids—you could not tell what they would do fewer in the US. next, and they could kill just like that. I think I was very lucky to The UK was always more open to reggae. have completed this film. Every day I lived in fear that someone from Yes, the fact that Jamaica was a British colony was a factor in this. It the crew or an actor would get killed. was easier for a Jamaican to go to England than to the US, because Would you say the scene resembles contemporary hip-hop? of passport and green-card issues. Also, they had absorbed reggae to Not really, because the people who lived there and made music were a greater degree. Bands such as 2 Tone, the Selecter, and others were scared stiff of guns. They did not use any themselves. They weren’t all very important. I also believe that punk music owes a lot to reg- idiots, you know. They suffered from guns. What makes me view Bob gae. They had the same attitude. This was also the reason there were Marley as a hero is that he came back and tried to help establish “This area, known as ‘Idlers’ Rest,’ was around the corner from Randy’s Record Shop. Musicians, singers, and would-be singers would loaf about listening to the newest 45s spin, waiting to punk covers of reggae tracks. some order. Of course, he couldn’t do this across the board, and there be called in for a session.” 74 | VICE VICE | 75 “The late Richard ‘Dirty Harry’ Hall. He was a brilliant tenor saxophonist and co-star of the film. This picture was taken in Horsemouth’s yard off Maxfield Ave. in the heart of Kingston’s ghettos in 1976.” 76 | VICE VICE | 77 “The weed in Kingston was schwag. Horsemouth compensated by smoking large quantities throughout the day.” “Pablo again, this time with a ukulele on the abandoned ruins of the elevated West Side Highway in downtown Manhattan, 1975.” were many reactions from people in the street. But this effort to bring How did you get the musicians to play roles in your film? In the end, about a truce and peace stopped the violence for a year. Then it began you didn’t shoot a documentary. once again, and before the end of the year both gang leaders were I lived with them for more than two years and it took me a while to dead. Then cocaine entered the picture. persuade them. It was not something you could impose. What was interesting about the film is that everything was done in reverse: I did Did it replace marijuana? the casting first, then I picked the locations, and in the end I wrote Weed was still there, but it was the cocaine that killed and devas- the script. They all play themselves. What they say is very simple, tated. There was lots of money involved; people became aggressive even the plot is very lean. I had lived on the island for a while, so I and started killing each other. But you could also meet the sweetest didn’t want to shoot a documentary—anyone could do that. I want- and most interesting people—a factory of expressions crammed ed to make a movie on Jamaica’s music and include everyone who into such a small place. I am not talking about Kingston. The small, was there, except Bob Marley. scanty houses built in clusters were more like favelas and less like ghettos. It is in these few places here and there that all the Rasta Why didn’t you want him in the movie? musicians lived. Because he was already a big star and it would become a film about Marley. He would definitely overshadow the other musicians, who Who exactly are the Rasta? were his equals or better, and I didn’t want that. I have nothing Reggae and Rasta go together, they became a single thing. They against Marley, but I really believe that Burning Spear was great, and became the reason every young guy in Kingston could say, “Yes, now the same goes for most musicians in the film. For different reasons. I I have a flag, I have a nation, a God, and now fuck you, white guy. managed to get all the good musicians to take part in it and I think I And you too, baldy.” Marcus Garvey was a key figure in all this. captured that music at its best moment. Garvey tried to organize black people and to persuade them to return How was the movie received? to Africa. “The black man is not a white man, the black man belongs Terrifically. It was screened for the first time at the Los Angeles Film in Africa.” Festival in a packed 800-seat theater. It got another screening at the So racism was prevalent. end of the festival because there were so many people who wanted to Definitely. They would say to me, “Greek man, we don’t want any- see it. At Cannes it was screened on the same night with Francis Ford thing from you because anything you give us is not yours to give. This Coppola’s Apocalypse Now and there was an incident with thou- is my own life, and my own life is black and can never improve with sands of people, mounted police, and riot police. There were people your care. I want to take care of my life, to control it, and so I will who wanted to get in, the tickets were all sold out, and mayhem go to Africa, which is full of black people, and I will be part of this broke out. It was all over the front pages next day. I was intrigued by other world, of this black life.” There was racism even between them, the reviews in France, even by conservative papers. The first sentence between people with darker skin and those with lighter skin, between in Le Monde was “Rockers is not a film, it is a work of art. So good “This picture of Augustus Pablo predates the Rockers shoot. In November of 1974, Pablo had come to play his first-ever US shows. This was opening night at the Tropical Cove nightclub in the educated and the uneducated. it is difficult to believe, yet it is real.” Brooklyn.” 78 | VICE VICE | 79 “By winter, we’d finished filming and I’d moved back to New York. Many of the Rockers cast came to visit. This is Horsemouth on the roof of my Tribeca loft.” To what do you attribute this success? instance, was killed in New York. He went to jail for two years, Reggae had become an international genre of music, like samba, probably for drugs or a fight. I’m not sure, I didn’t ask. Six rumba, and Cuban music. It had gone a step further, reaching audi- months after he got out of jail someone killed him. The same with ences all over the world for the first time. Immediately after the Natty Garfield. In contrast, a friend I’d written off as dead is in screening, they began treating me like something intriguing. I got pro- fact alive. We spoke on the phone recently. I ask all the time, “Is posals from Hollywood, but my mind was set on other things. this guy still alive, is that guy dead?” Most of them are no longer Did you make money from the film? in Jamaica. Incredibly enough, no. None. Some people made loads. From the music Did you make many friends? alone. There were major problems afterward, when the film was done. I was there for so many years, I had to make friends, to open up all my What happened? cards. I did not have many, but I wanted everyone to know who I was. Things got messy. No one had the experience, neither the producer There was a time when people from Jamaica would come to our house nor I. No one had ever done anything like it and they had no idea in New York every day. We lived near Brooklyn, where Jamaicans also what to do. They thought that it was all about a short little film and lived, but whoever came to town for a gig would also drop by. they didn’t bother getting involved in the process. Did they respect what you were doing? The process of promoting it? Everyone thinks I’ve made a lot of money. Well, not everyone, but it They did promote it, but they were left with nothing. They didn’t is difficult to make people believe that I didn’t make a cent. know how to capitalize on it. On the other hand, even if they did, I If someone were to hear the title today, they would think that it is not think they would have done exactly the same. Believe me, it is now, a film about Jamaicans. after 30 years, that I have begun making money from it. Through the The term Rockers was very popular during reggae’s heyday. There DVD. After all these years, a check has just arrived for a small sum… was this new, very sophisticated sound with new drumming systems. a very small sum. It is pretty ridiculous. I didn’t make any money Sly Dunbar introduced his own rhythm in a way. Harder. It was a from the music either. I would go to Tower Records in New York and word you’d hear a lot then: “Rock steady, rockers.” The producer would see stacks of CDs and think that others were making money chose the title. The artwork is mine, as is the poster. I did it all myself that was mine. I am the soundtrack’s producer. because there was no one else to do it. How much did the movie cost? Who wrote the script? About $500,000. I met this producer, a young guy bitten by the film I did. bug who believed in me, and we worked together. I showed him some footage and he said, “Go ahead and do whatever you want.” He gave Were you smoking a ton of weed at the time? me the go-ahead. Unfortunately he is no longer alive. Of course. Have you kept in touch with the people in the movie? And how was the Jamaican weed? “Pablo and friends, with the World Trade Center in the background.” Most of them are dead. Half were murdered. Dirty Harry, for Awful. Even worse than New York’s. 80 | VICE VICE | 81 tainted by methane. No one knew how long that contamination would last. And what pissed Ken off most was the idea that had Cabot taken a few more precautions, or had the state’s Department of Environmental Protection or even the feds been a little more vigi- lant, both business and residents might have made a mint without ravaging the land. But instead, Ken watched as Cabot and other drillers pushed on without regard. And then his coonhound, Crybaby, was killed. The old dog had been accidentally run over a few months earlier by one of the driller’s trucks, and while Ken could have forgiven Cabot for the acci- dent, he couldn’t forgive the company for not telling him about it until three days after the dog’s death, and then only reluctantly. After they’d buried its body. More than anything, that incident was to Ken a declaration of war. So he braced for a fight. He had no intention of shutting down the drilling operations, not on his property or anywhere else, he would explain to me later—at least not for long. There was too much good that could come of it, both in terms of money for the locals who had gone without for too long and in terms of the over- all environmental benefit of burning natural gas, which has the potential to reduce the United States’ crater-size carbon footprint and wean the nation off the perpetually lactating teat that is foreign oil. But Ken was willing to shut them down temporarily—at a cost to the driller of $6,000 an hour, by Cabot’s own estimates—to make Small signs on Ken’s land note the dangers of smoking near a natural-gas mine. the point that it was possible for Cabot to work the land without obliterating it in the process. Here on this hill, not far from the spot where the Cabot men had drillers from reporting requirements under the federal Safe Drinking secretly buried his dog, Ken was ready to make his stand. Water Act. There were also fears that the chemicals and compounds used to For 400 million years, this rocky and daunting land about 150 miles make the frack water slick and effective in wells could, as a result of west of New York City has been a battleground of one sort or anoth- a spill aboveground or a mechanical failure belowground, seep into er. Eons ago, the forces of nature converged here to bury a vast sea the water supply or be released into the atmosphere. Studies had indi- under mountains of rubble, and later those very same forces carved cated that prolonged exposure to some of those chemicals could the land in such a way that it preserved the rich organic matter below cause serious health problems, ranging from aplastic anemia and ground as natural gas. In the centuries that followed, the area’s leukemia to liver disease, birth defects, and cancer. And while the inhabitants paid little mind to the occasional eruptions of vapors industry, led by spook firms like Halliburton, has dismissed those from the ground. They were too busy battling with the rocky soil and fears (arguing that the materials that people fretted about composed Ken Ely beside a Cabot Oil & Gas well on his land in Pennsylvania. the trees in an attempt to carve out a living from land that was reluc- about 1 percent of the slick water and are essentially harmless in such low concentrations), it didn’t ease anyone’s concerns when the com- white mustache, and let out a quick spurt of tobacco juice. He leaned tant to give them anything. But now, once again, this sliver of glacial pany teamed up with others in the industry and refused to release the hard once more on the controls, and with a final shriek the old steel scree and thin soil is at the heart of what is now known as the Marcellus Shale gas play, which is thought to be the third-largest precise chemical compositions, holding that information as tightly as The Battle beast let the pallet of stones teetering on its forks drop to the ground. deposit of natural gas in the world. It stretches from New York State if it were the combination to former Halliburton CEO Cheney’s man- Ken nudged the machine forward, making sure that the ton of blue- to the border of Kentucky and, according to some estimates, could size safe and claiming the same trademark protection that allows stone completely blocked the gate. Then he cut the engine. yield up to 500 trillion cubic feet of natural gas. For the unversed, KFC to keep its blend of chicken spices secret. There was nothing but the sound of frigid March wind when Ken that is enough to fuel every gas-burning device in the United States There have been concerns as well that radiation—so prominent in of Lazy Dog climbed out of the cockpit as fast as his 62-year-old body, battered by for a generation. deep shales that one of the ways prospectors identify potential gas diabetes and three bouts of cancer, would let him. He walked around In fact, there is anecdotal evidence that the Marcellus may be so sources is to look for a spike in underground gamma-ray emissions— to the back of the machine, grabbed a red gas can, and placed it con- large and so rich that it can change the gas industry altogether. Just could be carried to the surface with the rock shards churned up by spicuously in front of the backhoe. He chuckled to himself. He’d Hill as the inland sea that formed the Marcellus, by dint of its size, was the drilling, by the frack water flowing back up the wellbore, or up never come right out and threaten the gas company. Christ, he’d big enough to create its own weather, the Marcellus may spawn its with the gas itself. never even dream of actually torching a bunch of equipment he Even a Multimillion-Dollar Gas own economic conditions. If mined correctly, it could defy down- And then there are the fears that accompany drilling of any sort: couldn’t replace. But then again, he wouldn’t mind a bit if they turns in the national and world economy such as the one we began fears of diesel spills from the massive pieces of equipment and wor- thought that he might. This was war—even if it was only psycho- experiencing in the fall and winter of 2008. It may be so big and so ries of air and noise pollution from those same pieces of equipment. Company Can’t Just Kill a Man’s logical. Any advantage he could get, he would take. rich that it can shrug off the effects of plummeting energy prices in a It’s one of the great ironies of the business that gas drillers, who tout In the air was a sound Ken had become all too familiar with over way that no gas play before it ever has. methane’s virtues as a cleaner-burning fuel, rely almost entirely on Coonhound and Expect to Get the past year: the dull rumble of truck tires on the old two-lane that Until recently, the massive deposits of gas contained in the dirtier fossil fuels to extract it. ran past the bottom of his 183 acres of bluestone and timber in this Marcellus were thought to be impossible to mine. But developments And then, of course, there are the dangers posed by the volatile Away With It remote corner of northern Pennsylvania. Up until recently, Ken had in both horizontal drilling techniques and hydro-fracking technology nature of the fuel itself and the risks raised by large quantities of gas. heard that sound as the unalloyed song of progress. Cabot’s trucks (a process that involves forcing a million-plus gallons of chemically Those risks were underscored in 2000 in Carlsbad, New Mexico, BY SEAMUS McGRAW had brought all kinds of promise when they first started rolling treated water into wells at a rate of more than 9,000 gallons per when a corroded pipeline exploded and incinerated 12 people who through the area. The deeply buried gas they were here to extract was minute to fracture the rock and release the trapped gas) have put the were camping hundreds of yards away from the point of the blast. en Ely’s jury-rigged backhoe grunted and wheezed, and it going to make a lot of people rich, Ken included. In fact, thanks to stuff within a massive mechanical arm’s reach. So seriously do the critics take those concerns that just last month took every ounce of skill the old guy had to coax it up the those trucks, the old man was now richer than he’d ever imagined. And so, the outrage: Critics have warned that the gas drillers, who the New York City Council introduced a measure calling on the state K slippery gravel-and-mud slope. But at last he made it, One well on his property alone had netted him $30,000 in royalties were demanding hundreds of millions of gallons of water to frack to bar any drilling in the New York City watershed in the Catskills. putting him right in front of the new gate that Cabot Oil & Gas had just a month earlier, and this new one that Cabot was about to start Tribune Scranton Times their wells, would siphon out the last dregs of already overtaxed The state’s governor, David A. Paterson, recently placed a moratorium erected at the top of his hill to keep the curious—and maybe Ken as drilling promised to earn him even more than that. drinking-water supplies. What’s more, there have been cases where on drilling until further conservation-agency studies are completed. well—away from its yet-to-be-completed multimillion-dollar natural- But it had come at a cost. The land was scarred, the air was filled natural gas, often from higher deposits disturbed by the drilling, has But across the Delaware River, in Pennsylvania, the drilling has gas well. with the incessant shriek of drills boring a mile or more into the itself contaminated drinking water. Congress didn’t do much to allay proceeded. In the past year alone, the number of drilling rigs headed Reaching down to the pressed-steel floor of the cockpit, he earth, and, in a singularly grievous affront to Ken and his neighbors, those fears when in 2005, at the urging of the industry and with the toward Pennsylvania has increased spectacularly. By this past spring, grabbed the plastic water bottle he kept there, held it under his bushy the clean mountain water locals pulled from their wells was now Portrait courtesy of Photo by Kren McGraw support of Vice President Cheney, it voted to exempt natural-gas there were 325 wells drilled in the Marcellus in Pennsylvania and 82 | VICE VICE | 83 another 864 permits had been issued. More than 30 of those were gas company had yet to add the fracking chemicals to the water, but issued for the five square miles surrounding Ken Ely’s hill. that was cold comfort. The water, which had been drawn from the nearby Susquehanna River, contained a number of contaminants, Like most of the people who live in this part of Pennsylvania, Ken presumably from various industrial sites upriver. And now it was had been just scraping by for decades, earning what money he could threatening to pollute his pristine groundwater. As Ken put it to me by prying bluestones out of the ground, supplementing his income by later, “My fish told me they weren’t feeling very well.” harvesting some of the hardwood timber on his place, and regularly And then one of Cabot’s drivers accidentally killed Crybaby. But not supplementing his diet with venison he hunted in his woods and fish even that sent Ken over the edge. The last straw came on New Year’s Day he pulled from the pond outside his two-room cabin. 2009, when enough methane collected in a neighbor’s water well that an Through the years as a quarryman, he had stumbled across the errant spark set off an explosion that sent a concrete well cover hurtling occasional pocket of natural gas in some of the rocks that lay closer a dozen yards or so across the neighbor’s yard. No one was injured in the to the surface of his land, but he never thought much about it. So, by accident, but within days, the gas, which the state DEP eventually deter- his own admission, he was skeptical when he was first approached mined was from a higher deposit that had most likely been disturbed by three years ago by representatives of Cabot who thought that there the drilling, migrated into water wells serving nine other homes. might be a larger and far richer deposit buried deeper in the ground. It was then that Ken and several of his neighbors decided to mount At first he dismissed the gas men, but eventually, after a few of his a full-court press on the driller and local and state officials through neighbors agreed to sign leases, he got in on the gas rush, receiving protests and the media. Within weeks of the explosion, the state had $25 an acre to allow them to drill and about 12.5 percent in royal- ordered the driller to come up with a plan to prevent similar migra- ties on any gas they retrieved. Two years later, by the time those few tions of gas and to provide water to a handful of residents until the wells came on line, the real riches of the Marcellus were evident. methane dissipated, regardless of how long that took. Though the Lease prices skyrocketed, eventually reaching more than $5,000 an driller agreed to comply, it continued to insist that it was still not acre and 20 percent in royalties. But Ken and his neighbors were clear that the company was to blame for the methane migration. locked in. But prior to that, at the time of the first explosion, the state was Some of his neighbors grumbled about that. Ken did not. The way satisfied. So was the driller. Ken, however, was not. he saw it, there would soon be plenty of money to go around. The The way he saw it, they both needed a lesson, and he had decided that he was going to be the one to teach it to them. And so on March 10, more than two months after the explosion, Ken Ely maneuvered his Ken squeezed off a shot from backhoe to the top of what he now called Lazy Dog Hill in memory of Crybaby, to the gate Cabot had installed to protect its latest natural-gas 50 paces that killed the money machine, and dumped a large pile of bluestone on the site’s doorstep. It was, he later admitted, a clear violation of his $25-an-acre squirrel and sent the stone contract with Cabot, and even as he did it, he knew that there wasn’t a court in the nation that would side with him when the company thief running for cover. “You’re inevitably dragged him before a judge to force him to clear it. But Ken didn’t care. Thanks to Cabot, he was now a rich man, and he was more shooting at me!” the kid had than willing to spend whatever it cost to make the point that Cabot and the DEP needed to take him and his neighbors seriously. Besides, he later shrieked. “Naw,” Ken said, he needed to avenge Crybaby. Cabot took Ken to court. They insisted he had threatened to fire- responded. “But if you thought bomb their equipment, the only allegation that Ken denied, and demanded that he move the stones out of their way and give them access to their well. It took weeks before the court finally issued the that, maybe you shouldn’t have order, and when it did, Ken immediately and cheerfully complied. Ken’s standoff at Lazy Dog Hill had suddenly ended as anticlimacti- been stealing my stone.” cally as he’d expected. But he had made his point. By Cabot’s own estimation, the tem- In late November of last year, 15 pissed-off families in Pennsylvania filed lawsuits against Cabot Oil & Gas. Protesters made scary signs. bucks that would come flowing into the cash-strapped region were a porary closure of the well had cost them some $6,000 an hour. Ken’s great enough good that it was worth the temporary disruption the expense was only a few thousand dollars. As far as he was concerned, Politically, the state is at an impasse, unable to reconcile the envi- drillers working elsewhere in the state have now been forced to take drilling would cause. The land was strong enough to recover from the he had won. ronmental concerns with economic realities. In October, greater precautions, and that a repeat of the problems that initially ravages of drilling, and Ken told more than one of his worried friends It would take another few months and another disaster before the Pennsylvania governor Ed Rendell balked at including a tax on beset the operation in their neighborhood, while still a possibility, are that once the drillers had packed up and gone home, the grass and full impact of Ken’s victory would be clear. In September, drilling in the state’s budget. In November the DEP was forced to lay at least a little less likely. trees would return and all that would be left behind would be a few Halliburton, which had been contracted to handle the fracking oper- off about 5 percent of its workforce—a situation that might have Unfortunately, Ken Ely did not get a chance to savor the victory. “Christmas trees”—unobtrusive fire-hydrant-size pipes that rise up ation at one of Cabot’s wells in Ken’s neighborhood, spilled nearly been avoided had the tax passed. Punctuating the weight gas drilling One morning this past summer, he died of a heart attack in his cabin. out of the ground where a well hooks into a pipeline. “When they’re 8,000 gallons of fracking fluid, some of which leached into a near- has in the state, the agency made note in the press that the teams that done, we’ll throw down some seed corn around that thing and have by stream. This time the DEP immediately sprang into action, monitor fracking operations would not be affected by the layoffs. A few days after his death, his funeral was held at the Springville a hunting party,” Ken told his neighbors. summarily suspending Cabot’s operation in the area until the com- Baptist Church, a few miles from Ken’s home. It was a rollicking But by January 2008, Ken’s faith in the good intentions of the gas pany came up with a plan to prevent similar accidents. The It is true that the DEP would have taken action against Cabot even testimonial to a man who had lived life hard and loved it. His company had flagged. One winter morning, he had caught a young following month, the DEP fined Cabot more than $120,000 and if Ken had not made his stand on Lazy Dog Hill. It is also proba- grandchildren told stories about the cutthroat way he played truck driver, who was hauling water to a drill site on his land, steal- effectively put the company’s operation on probation. Cabot was bly true, as Cabot’s spokesman has insisted, that the company Scrabble, and his widow and childhood sweetheart, Emmagene, ing some of his bluestones to build a makeshift road. Ken warned the also ordered to abide by stricter standards, was placed under closer would have taken steps to identify the problems and tried to cor- told the 100-person congregation the astounding story of how they young man not to, but the kid ignored him. After a third warning, supervision than the other drillers in the state, and was forced to rect them. But the efforts of Ken and his neighbors ensured it. Even had met and fallen in love, fallen apart, and ultimately found each Ken stormed into his cabin, grabbed his squirrel gun, and waited submit detailed plans prior to drilling. Not that this has satisfied the DEP officials privately admit that pressure from the locals helped other again. until a rodent perched on a branch right above the stone thief’s head. residents. In November, resident-group lawsuits against oil compa- spur the agency and the company into quick action. Ken had at But the most telling eulogy to Ken that day was the silence that Ken squeezed off a shot from 50 paces that killed the squirrel and nies began to mount. Media coverage grew as protests increased. In least made sure oil companies were aware they were being greeted the mourners as they arrived. Yards from the back of the sent the stone thief running for cover. “You’re shooting at me!” the December, a Pennsylvania group called the Pine Creek Headwaters watched. But not only by state agencies and angry locals: As this church a massive rig had been set up. For the duration of the service, kid had shrieked. “Naw,” Ken responded. “But if you thought that, Protection Group began offering training courses in how citizens article went to press, some market analysts, spurred by Cabot’s which lasted a little over an hour—for more than 60 of those $100 maybe you shouldn’t have been stealing my stone.” might become “environmental vigilantes” and help to police drilling increased prospects in the Pennsylvania region and by exceeded minutes, to use Cabot’s own calculations—the rig was silent. There were other incidents as well. By midsummer, there had in the area, according to the Scranton Times-Tribune, a regional expectations in the second half of the year, upgraded the compa- Just before his death, Ken summed up his role: “I’m just one guy,” already been at least two significant spills of diesel oil at local wells, newspaper. Their not-subtle point: Mining operations at the ny’s outlook to “Outperform.” he said. “How much can I do? But you wanna know what this whole and in late summer Ken had noticed that one of the water tanks that Marcellus are just too big for DEP regulators to regulate effectively, Ken’s allies and neighbors—the very people who will benefit from thing is all about? It’s about Crybaby. It’s about the fact that they killed was going to be used to frack a well on his property was leaking. The and this is something oil companies understand. Photo courtesy AP Cabot’s upgrade—agree that as a result of his stand, Cabot and other my dog and didn’t tell me for three days.” 84 | VICE VICE | 85 SKINEMA FUCK IT, The models Christopher Nieratko II and retarded Uncle Lonnie are wearing their own diapers. Both are full. SUBSCRIBE TO VICE RAW 2 typical cuts and edits using the exact same gals. It’s almost like writ- Dir: Manuel Ferrara ing porn reviews for ten years and giving them away for free and then Evilangel.com repackaging those same porn reviews into a book and charging peo- For years we told people not to subscribe to Vice because it doesn’t really make Rating: 11 ple for them. Brilliant. This is the blatant double-dipping that I like us any money and, unlike most other publications (which are corrupt organs of to see in our society. This movie is genius! This is not porn— I also like double-dipping my son’s ball sack into his bathtub lies and filth), we don’t use our subscriber numbers to try and squeeze an extra this is art. No. Wait. Art doesn’t make repeatedly like I’m steeping tea. It entertains me to no end. He seems buck out of advertisers. Plus, the whole managing the list and mailing thing is money. This is sexual capitalism at its to get a kick out of it too. And I think it’s only fair that I do it and a huge pain in the ass to deal with. finest. What we have here are two discs tell you about it for the simple fact that he shits in my hand and piss- of five scenes with Manuel Ferrara star- es all over me every time we give him a bath, and he doesn’t feel bad This is all still the case, but after untold years of emails and letters from peo- ring, directing, filming, and doing about that in the least; in fact, he laughs in my fat face whenever he ple whining about how they can’t get their hands on an actual physical copy anything else you can imagine. (Like does it. So I’m taking a cue from him and showing no remorse. I’m of the magazine because some asshole keeps grabbing 20 copies at a time and me in Cuba when I realized Vice wasn’t actually giggling as I type this. then selling them on eBay, we are throwing our hands up and saying, “FINE!” sending a camera crew as promised.) I hope I don’t get in trouble for mentioning my kid in a porn Each scene is Ferrara f’ing girls in a recreational manner (I consid- review. Recently I wrote a music review for burningangel.com and So if you want to get Vice in the mail every month, it’s $30 for 1 year (11 issues) er butt sex recreation) in his hotel room, filming with a handheld they wouldn’t print the joke: Porn star Joanna Angel holding my or $42 for 1 year including the behemoth Photo Issue in July. Send check or camera. Sometimes it’s a POV film (“This is what my wang looks like child, even fully clothed, could constitute child porn if you looked at money order (payable to VICE Magazine Publishing Inc.) to: in her mouth from where I’m standing”), sometimes the camera is set it like a math problem. Child + porn star = child porn. They freaked on a nearby desk or nightstand (“Oops, went out of frame, let me out. Then a week later I was asked to be an auctioneer at some porn VICE Subscriptions adjust that”). It has the same personal quality as the homemade porn event Kim Kane was putting on and I asked, “Can I mention child 24 Mount Royal West, Suite 604 we all make (aside from the horse cock and the whores). But the fact porn or AIDS?” She said, “Absolutely not.” I don’t get it. Yes, child Montreal, QC, H2T 2S2 that Manuel is saving a fortune by not having a crew on set and pornography is sick and vile but does that mean jokes about it are doing it all himself is not the genius move. The power move is that any less funny? Or subscribe online at: www.viceland.com/subs after he test-drives these women’s asses at his hotel, he then films a CHRIS NIERATKO glossier, gonzo video with a full staff, multiple camera angles, and For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or njskateshop.com. Please allow 6 to 8 weeks for delivery of your first issue. 86 | VICE SHEPPARD’S VIDEO-GAME PIE BY STEPHEN LEA SHEPPARD Photo by Dan Siney full of valuable alien technology. In play, it’s basically Diablo II as an FPS. You choose your charac- ter, and then you start shooting dudes, beginning with low-level bandits and predatory alien wildlife, and working your way up to more organized mercenaries and such. As you shoot dudes, you will level up, which gives you skill points to put into different skill trees depending on which character you chose—Roland, the soldier; Mordecai, the hunter; Lilith, the siren, and Brick, the, uh, brick. I chose the siren because turning invisible in a big explosion that lights everyone nearby on fire and then being able to run around damaging everybody around me while I regenerate health during the invisibility seemed like fun to me. Also, as you gain levels you gain access to a variety of different guns—there are seven gun types and several mil- lion possible actual guns because they randomly generate. You can have a pistol that zooms in like a sniper rifle and sets anyone it shoots BORDERLANDS on fire or grenades that teleport to their targets. Platform: Xbox 360 A lot of the game’s charm comes from its presentation. The graph- Publisher: 2K Games ics have a really interesting style, where everything is sort of cel-shaded I really didn’t expect to like this one as much as I did. a bit like Ubisoft’s most recent Prince of Persia game, if Prince of It seems humanity had high hopes for the planet Pandora. It had a Persia were bent on evoking Mad Max. And it’s frequently funny as livable atmosphere and evidence of alien occupation somewhere in the hell, from “…and starring Brick as himself” to the first boss’s intro past. The planet was colonized and then everyone realized it was a screen, which I won’t ruin for you. complete shithole, with no natural resources and no useful artifacts. There’s also an online feature where you can play with your friends Everyone left who could afford to, and now Pandora’s only inhabi- and the enemies get tougher but drop better loot, but I didn’t really tants are poor yokels and roving gangs… and you, one of four explore that. playable characters, searching for a mythical vault that maybe really is Anyway. Solid game, and recommended. How is it? Well, it’s basically the same game it’s been for the past ten years—a lot of the specific mechanics have changed over time, but the overall design philosophy has stayed consistent. Tekken is about fighting styles that evoke real-world fighting styles without accurately portraying them, long juggle combos, throws and counterthrows, and knowing which buttons to press when you get knocked down so you’ll pop up in a manner that’s to your advantage. Tekken 6 seems basical- FORZA MOTORSPORT 3 corner, etc. The line changes color according to your speed: from green ly to succeed at these design goals. I’m not nearly as interested in 3-D Platform: Xbox 360 if you should be accelerating to yellow and then red if you should be fighters as I am in 2-D fighters, because learning 2-D fighters usually Publisher: Microsoft Game Studios slowing down. I’ve always known that the key to racing is knowing involves learning a couple dozen moves that all look very different, when to slow down and how to take the corners, but FM3 just shows Forza Motorsport 3 really is quite good, in a lot of clever ways. Once while learning 3-D fighters involves learning a couple hundred moves again I am reminded that I like a good racing game, even though I me where the damn line is. You can turn it off if you don’t want easy that all look very similar. But there you go. hardly ever play them. You’d think, given the number of racing games mode, but playing with it on has made me a visibly better racer than I There are basically two big problems I can think of, aside from the I’ve reviewed at this point, I’d have learned by now, but I guess not. was before I started. general problem I have with 3-D fighters: It’s visually stunning, of course—that’s a requirement for all Big Also, the game includes a rewind function. Just hit the back button First, the costume-customization system is tied to a sort of story Franchise Releases, as this one is. Microsoft seems to be setting up at any time, on any difficulty level, to rewind the race a couple of sec- TEKKEN 6 mode where you run around various open environments and fight Forza Motorsport 3 as the Xbox 360 exclusive competitor to next onds. Took a corner wrong? Went into a group of cars unwisely and Platform: PlayStation 3 hordes of weak enemies. The beat-’em-up game play is different year’s Gran Turismo 5 for the PlayStation 3, so it’s beautiful. But it got knocked around and spun out? Try again! You don’t have to avail Publisher: Activision enough from normal Tekken to require a new skill set, it isn’t very fun, doesn’t really gain any points for beauty. yourself of this, but I found it invaluable as a learning tool, because if Tekken 6 is the latest installment of the popular Tekken fighting series and you need to do it in order to get meaningful costume customiza- What it does gain points for is being the first racing game I’ve a specific thing was causing me problems, I could just try that specific (duh). Like almost all fighting games, the story line is ridiculous—it’s tion, which is fun. I know this sort of play mode is all the rage right played in a long time that actually makes an effort to make me better situation again instead of waiting awhile until a similar situation an elaborate justification to throw a bunch of different sorts of fight- now among 3-D fighter designers, but I wish they’d knock it off and at racing games. It does this by providing a lot of supplementary infor- comes up. Self-identifying hard-core gamers may scoff at these features ers together. Tekken is notable for including a lot of Special Forces just give me the character creator. mation on easy mode, instead of just doing easy mode by making the and those who use them, but I appreciate a game that actually makes dudes, thugs, and gangsters, plus a martial artist grizzly bear, a boxing Second, the net code is bad. Online matches are laggy. Button inputs other cars suck at driving. an effort to teach me how to play it. kangaroo, and a cybernetic ninja whose signature move is suicide (no, are delayed. On the other hand, none of the other current net-capable If you tell it to, the game will draw a line along the course you’re Oh, and it’s got nice damage modeling and a paint-shop feature that really). It doesn’t have a lot of regular ninjas or sorcerers. Expect 3-D fighters have great net code either, so I guess that’s a wash. Just, taking that will show you the best route through it—when you should lets you create custom decals of astounding detail if you want to put a lot leather jackets and grimaces. This one also includes a really elaborate you know, get this one if you can expect to play it with other people be close to the edge, when you should start turning into the upcoming of work into it. costume-customization system. in the same room. 88 | VICE VICE | 89 REVIEWS REVIEWS BEST ALBUM WORST ALBUM OF THE MONTH: OF THE MONTH: SPACE COWBOY: GLEE (FUCK YEAH) a leather jacket, doing a jump over a conve- when I realized I was listening to Children of human instruments since they are “by human accidentally turned on the Accused and now niently roped-off shark. Look it up, kids. Bodom covering “Lookin’ out My Back hand created and therefore foul.” Now they she’s being blown away by the stereo speak- MC POTSY Door” by Creedence Clearwater Revival I only make music that involves teaching dogs ers, Buster Keaton-style. All clutching at the started laughing my head off—the kind of and birds to sing on command. No, just fool- sofa cover with her little old lady fingers, CLIPSE EDAN SPACE COWBOY laughter that comes after surviving a car ing, this sounds like all their other stuff. thimbles falling off their little shelf. Oh man. Til the Casket crash or boning a girl wayyyyyyy out of your GRAGRASH Anyway, this music is pretty lousy. Echo Party Digital Rock Star Drops league. It turns out that these guys made an BUB GUTZMAN Traffic Universal Columbia album of nothing but covers and I like it a CANNABIS lot. There are the obvious ones: King CORPSE FONTANA I’ll probably always be a fan of Diamond, Anthrax, Sepultura, etc. There’s The Weeding EP S/T So, Edan got access to this huge Clipse. Besides the fact that both I cannot believe this is what normal an annoying Britney Spears cover and then Tankcrimes X! archive of old-school hip-hop records Malice and Pusha T have great delivery, music sounds like. Some French guy some weirder choices like “Just Dropped In and made this long, abstract, sorta they also rap about selling coke and being who’s friends with a celebrity hermaph- (To See What Condition My Condition Was I think I like Cannabis Corpse more cool 30-minute track of breaks and weird totally badass, which you know you love rodite singing fake dancehall songs through an In).” If you want to surprise and annoy your than I like Cannibal Corpse. The only Whenever people talk about just nuk- noises and lots of lasers and bongos. I don’t even if you feel guilty or stupid for liking it. Auto-Tune over synths that sound like a laser friends or just get stupid and circle-pit thing I don’t love about this band is that I ing Detroit and letting animals take really know what to make of it. I can appre- Scaring older people is always a plus in my designed to make your brain sterile. One of his around your living room to a metal version don’t really care about pot that much. I’ll over the wreckage, part of me is like, sure, that ciate it for being all experimental and shit, book, and this album is no different. The collaborators is a white Afro’d DJ named of a Pat Benatar song, then ramble, don’t smoke pot, but I don’t know what to do would rule. But a different part of me thinks, but I don’t really know when I would play it Kanye song is great and we all know that LMFAO. Congratulations, society. You’ve offi- amble, to wherever you are stealing .RAR when people want to talk about it a lot. This wait, what about bands like Fontana and the and enjoy it. It’s confusing, too, because “Popular Demand” is hot as hell. Have you cially let Mad magazine write the future. files from. shit is fast, heavy, and complex. Maybe you Frustrations? Where would they get the hero- early-80s hip-hop was all about goofy seen the video with Cam’ron? Dude looks CLIFF CHECKITT READY FOR SLEDDY can listen to it while you smoke pot. I will lis- in to fuel their maniacal AmRep rage songs? rhymes and good vibes at summer barbecues, ten to it while I clean my bathroom. not postmodern abstractions and having like he just walked the Pulaski Bridge with SKELETON Are they just supposed to grow their own WARRIOR /PREAUX ANS BETHOOZALAH ADD. Now I’m sad. his flannel and goofy mustache. I mean, it’s opium poppies or would the CIA set up some got some boring filler too, but there’s BREAUX GAULD Pressure Cracks sort of secret heroin airlift like in Vietnam? MIKE ANTUNDERSTANDYEW “Married to Draino” / Tankcrimes CARNIVORES enough good shit to go around for a strong “Electric Fingertips” split Also, what’s going to happen to all the black LUPE FIASCO smiley face. 7-inch All Night folks? (By the way, I’m just going to assume Enemy of the CASAMIR STORM Roofless Dead USA that these guys take A LOT of heroin.) State: A Love Florida goths are funny. Not funny This is your standard thrash release. Double Phantom JOEY LOOPY GUCCI MANE “haha,” more like funny “get away Guitars go chunka chunka chunk Story The State vs. from me.” Actually they’re not funny. chunk chunk chuuuuuuunk! The The first song is a great “Duke of DINOWALRUS 1st & 15th Radric Davis They sing like they just discovered that Bela drums on the record go brudududuh and Earl” knockoff, but janglier. Then % I can totally understand why people Asylum/Warner Bros. Lugosi is dead. Well, guess what, Florigoths, then pause and do it again. There are some there are two songs that I didn’t feel strongly Kanine don’t like Lupe Fiasco. With his he was dead before you got here. good solos and some funny samples from about and then a song that sounds kind of glasses, sweaters, skateboards, and OTHKOTH B’GOTH movies, but ultimately who gives a fuck? I like a janglier “I Will Follow Him.” Then leftist sloganeering, haters get major wood. In the realm of rap that should never love thrash but most of these bands are inter- there’s more music. But I’ll be damned if Food & Liquor wasn’t be taken seriously and is just fun when It would be hard for some people to changeable. Show up where they’re playing MESSY FIERCE ONE a fantastic album. Not many people can do you’re drinking beer in your hallway-size liv- give a bad review to a record that and go nuts, then go home and listen to a hip-hop song with the dude from Far and ing room, Gucci’s doing all right. His thanks them in the liner notes but it’s as Anthrax, that’s my motto. PYGMY not have it come out totally nauseating. But signature cadence, which he uses in almost easy as falling off a jerky log into a pile of BETHOOZALAH this mixtape sucks major dong. I’m pretty every song, somehow hasn’t gotten annoying SHREWS inconsiderate shit for me. Dinowalrus are a ter- The Egyptian sure the point of these mixtapes is to make yet. Maybe it’s because I’ve only listened to CHILDREN IMMORTAL rible band and I have only been nice to them in this record twice. It’s pretty funny and upbeat Wantage an attempt to get close to them in order to something new and interesting using famil- OF BODOM All Shall Fall iar components, not just because you’re lazy for a guy in jail. I’m not sure if going to crush them. Hahaha! Nah, just joking. They’re Nuclear Blast and haven’t released anything in two years. prison has helped or hurt his career, but at Skeletons in Oh crap, I thought this was going to fun guys but a little uptight sometimes. I inter- The first song is him rapping over an instru- least it will make his kids better rappers. the Closet be that other band, Pygmy Lush. The viewed the main guy in this band using a mental version of “National Anthem” by Man, I hope he doesn’t get raped with an Spinefarm acoustic-guitar one. Definitely didn’t walrus puppet and he was so embarrassed by it Radiohead, which sounds totally awful. I AIDS shank. I pushed play on my Discman (yeah, Norwegian black metallers Immortal expect to be rocked like this. Heheheh, that he didn’t tell the other guys in the band just can’t stop picturing Lupe waterskiing in CRISTO VON STROM that’s right, I rock a Discman) and decided to flip the script and give up “rocked like this.” Like some little old lady about it. Lighten up, Pete! The record’s OK but 90 | VICE VICE | 91 REVIEWS REVIEWS BEST COVER OF THE MONTH: WORST COVER OF THE MONTH: SPIDERBAGS SPACE COWBOY: it’s too polished. The Dinowalrus live experi- about just how ugly your mom is. Let’s just cleaner vocals, heavy bass, and wirey guitars. synths aren’t, you know, “shimmery” way, produced by Steve Albini… That means care about instead of having to deal with ence is an overwhelming jamboree of light and say “very.” Hiroshima Rocks Around is similar but more enough. There are a few of those swelling I have to hold this record up against P.J. the packs of scary 12-year-olds who live noise. This CD could stand to have some of the GEOFFREY BOYMAN frantic. This is sure to make your parents buildup choruses that work so well in Harvey’s Rid of Me, which is pretty unfair down the street. I mean, I guess that’s the beautiful, harsh, and blown-out sounds that shake their heads as they tell you to make portable-MP3-player commercials, but over- because basically this record isn’t fit to clean same reason I like Cock Sparrer, but at least made their live performances good to me. RETRIBUTION your bed. So discordant and good. I can all I think it’s sad that people are settling for up Rid of Me’s puke. And now that I think of they don’t sound like my dad making fun of NICK GAZIN GOSPEL CHOIR imagine stuff moving in fast motion while this. People deserve better. it, I’ve never really bought Scout Niblett’s B.B. King. 2 this record’s on. That’s neat. BLAMEY SMELLNERD whole deal. Something is off there. MELODEE LEIGH SPIDERBAGS Sub Pop SCUBA DUBA Something is rotten in Denmark. I bet she’s “Teenage Eyes” AIR WAVES secretly really normal. Not cool! I bet she has THE CAST OF GLEE WIZZARD 7-inch I never got the deal with that band EP scented candles in her bathroom and puts on Glee: The Music, Odessa Low. Married couple makes the musi- SLEEVE Catbird pajamas to go to bed. I bet she has tradition- Season One, cal equivalent of eating plain Wheat Make the World al holiday celebrations. When do you think Volumes 1 and 2 the last time Polly Harvey put on PJs was? This is some A-side! An excited guitar Thins. Go figure. This is evidently the guy Go Away Columbia (Get it? Ha!) Anyhoo, the point is I don’t like starts a-strummin’ and then the open- from Low’s new “rock” act and it makes Hozac I hate modern female folk music normal people. Holy crap, I am so ing lyrics come in, “I want to hear them even less sense. Half of it sounds like Seven Have you ever gone to Alabama? Good. (except Kimya Dawson and Aimee JAMES FLUCK much more excited police sirens/ I want to see them police sirens/ Mary Three or something and the other half Don’t. Mississippi’s got this thing where Mann) and was ready to hate this thing but about this than any stupid she gave me teenage eyes/ She gave me just sounds like Low. It’s like a riddle it’s like, “Wow, so this is as bad as it gets,” it turned me around and made me realize I new indie-band records. If teenage eyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeessss alllllllllll wrapped in an enigma smothered with the which keeps it interesting, but Alabama is just was a stupid clown. There are five strummy you’re not a gay or a girl, dayyyyyyyy.” As someone who falls in love sound of me yawning. miserable and bad. If I had to live there for life songs and I like most of them. stop reading right now with teenagers I can verify that this song is ARCHIE SCHOPP my bed would look like a sweaty, urine-soaked DELOREO THUNDARA because this is not for you. Every single what that feels like. Or maybe this song is gorilla nest because I would be physically song from this show gives me chills— about feeling like you’re in teenage love even DAVID BOWIE unable to leave it most mornings. Somehow DARK MEAT NANCY GARCIA sometimes they’re genuinely emotional though you are both of a respectable age. A Reality Tour these jokers are able to do it, and when they do, Truce Opium Be the Climb chills (“Don’t Stop Believin’” and pretty Well, I creeped that one up pretty bad. The Sony they make angry depressoid music that reminds Emergency Umbrella Ecstatic Peace much all the ballads and anything Rachel main Spiderbag used to be in the DC Snipers. me of the Zero Boys and every so often the sings), and sometimes they’re douche It’s odd how all the good bands have had Melvins. Hats off for that, boys, but Christ, chills, like when Mr. Shue raps. But do I guys who were in other bands with guys find yourselves a better home state already. I put this on and thought, “I know Good tunes and all, but if I were in secretly love it? You bet I do! My favorite from other good bands. At first the New ALTON CHACKO Nancy Garcia is a choreographress everything, this is gonna be awful. command of 30 kids with healthy might be Kristin Chenoweth singing York rock scene seems like it’s full of excel- from Florida who makes fancy Who wants a David Bowie live album drug appetites and passable manual dexterity “Maybe This Time” from Cabaret. Did you lent bands but it’s mostly just the same ten dances to go along with skronky, recorded in 2004?” Turns out that it’s good you better believe I’d be having them do notice how she looked and sounded exactly dudes with different hats on. Merzbow-style dial music. I don’t know if anyway. Sure you don’t need to buy this, but more than just go nuts onstage a few times a like Jerri Blank in that episode? I love ROBO HOBO it’s supposed to be “charming” per se, but it’s hard to not enjoy hearing well-performed week. Oh yes, just you wait, you Athenian listening to this and picturing Jerri singing it is, like that time the Fall made a ballet live versions of Bowie’s best songs. It over- bohos. Pilfering, porking, and poncing off it, dressed like Liza Minnelli with those GOLDEN BOYS with Michael Clark. Remember that? Well takes you and you go with it. And then BEACH HOUSE will be the order of the day when Ol’ Mac weird pointy bangs. My only beef is that The Electric of course you don’t. You were two at the you’re like, “I don’t care that you are a mil- Teen Dream and his crew are in town. Finn’s voice is so weak compared with time. Honestly. Wolfman lion years old, Bowie. You just keep putting SubPop MAC THE POCKETMASTER everyone else’s. You can totally hear the out the same records.” THE SURGEON WAS HIS MOM Daggerman Auto-Tune on his vocals. Plus he does that BING BONG SCOUT SEASICK STEVE thing where instead of singing “meeee” he This album combines many of the best Everyone loves this band so I’m NIBLETT sings “mehhh.” That bothers me. A HIROSHIMA The Calcination Man From things about Texas (bluesy Warren ROCKS AROUND/ gonna hate them because I’m cool and professional-singer friend of mine told me Zevon-esque beer-drinking music, guys with contrary. Just kidding—I’m gonna of Scout Niblett Another Time that the “eee” sound is difficult to pull off, BIPOLAR BEAR gentlemanly surnames, Greg Ashley) with hate them because they’re mediocre and Drag City WEA International but Rachel seems to be able to make it very few of the worst things about Texas Split 12-inch annoying. They’re supposed to be ethereal I’m really sorry, Drag City, because I sound good, so whatever. This is totally the (racism, dickhead cops, people who won’t Kill Shaman /No=Fi dream pop, kind of like Brightblack love you guys, but this one just isn’t Bourgie English people love this guy best album of the month; macho haters can shut the fuck up about Texas). The first song Bipolar Bear have a rolling, vrooming Morning Light (who are actually good), but working for me. A weird girl with a because he’s a cute cartoon version of ess my dee. also contains a keen observational “snap” sound, clangs ’n’ bangs, vacuum- their voices are too raw and jarring and their guitar, which she plays in kind of a spare American poverty they can pretend to MEG SNEED 92 | VICE VICE | 93 VICE FASHION STOCKISTS FRED FLARE fredflare.com GRAVIS gravisfootwear.com IKEA ikea.ca INCASE goincase.com J.CREW jcrew.com KIKI DE MONTPARNASSE kikidm.com LODEN DAGER lodendager.com LOOK FROM LONDON lookfromlondon.com MARC JACOBS marcjacobs.com NOOKA nooka.com NUDIE nudiejeans.com ORIGINAL PENGUIN originalpenguin.com PALLADIUM palladiumboots.com PAUL FRANK paulfrank.com PAUL SMITH paulsmith.co.uk PH8 BY BEBE ph8stores.com RODEBJER (,-$/,,6$$+7,/$ rodebjer.com ,1767$*('$< SCREAMING MIMI’S screamingmimis.com SHIPLEY & HALMOS shipley-halmos.com Dior Homme suit, Billy Reid turtleneck, Marc Jacobs boots, Canadian Club whiskey, Ikea glass -DQXDU\ 0D\ SISLEY sisley.com 01 THE ONE BURTON SPURR 01theone.com burton.com spurr.tv AGNÈS B. '+&$57)RXQGDWLRQIRU&RQWHPSRUDU\$UW C1RCA SWATCH agnesb.com c1rca.com swatch.com 6W-HDQ0RQWUpDO 4XpEHF ZZZGKFDUWRUJ AMERICAN APPAREL CANADIAN CLUB TIMO WEILAND americanapparel.ca canadianclub.com timoweiland.com AMERICAN SPIRIT 'DUOLQJ)RXQGU\ CANDACE ANG TOM FORD 2WWDZD0RQWUpDO 4XpEHF nascigs.com tomford.com candaceang.com ZZZIRQGHULHGDUOLQJRUJ ASHISH TOPMAN CASIO ashish.co.uk topman.com g-shock.com BARNEYS NEW YORK TOPSHOP barneys.com CAUFIELD PREPARATORY topshop.com available at Odin New York BEN SHERMAN UNITED COLORS OF BENETTON odinnewyork.com bensherman.com benetton.com BILLY REID DIOR HOMME VANS billyreid.com diorhomme.com vans.com Eija-Liisa Ahtila – THE HOUSE, 2002 BURBERRY FLORSHEIM BY DUCKIE BROWN VESPA © Crystal Eye Ltd, Helsinki burberry.com duckiebrown.com vespa.com Courtesy of Marian Goodman Gallery, New York and Paris 94 | VICE DHC-1701 CA.indd 1 12/17/09 7:30:01 PM KAGOMANIACS BY SHINTARO KAGO VENDING MACHINE http: / /www1.odn.ne.jp /~adc52520 / 96 | VICE RickyWoo-1701_CA.indd 1 12/29/09 11:20:38 AM AA-1701.indd 1 12/17/09 10:12:12 AM