The Banana Slicer and Found It Unacceptable
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FORWARD On discovering this flash mob assem- bly of Amazon reviews, I was imme- diately struck by the crazy fervor the Hutzler 571 Banana Slicer was gener- ating. I saved the more than 1,200 that were available and ran them through a word processor for closer examina- tion. The whole mass equaled nearly 200,000 words, enough for two full- length novels! Soon I began to typeset the colossus, careful to leave the text unaltered, uncorrected. What you’ll read here is the raw form (sic), heavily drenched in sarcasm and innuendo, colloquialisms, horrible grammar, etc. – for I came to regard this inane outburst as a work of literature. 1. MY 27 TRAINED MONKEYS LOVE THIS L. Blankenship “Lundy Love” As you may or may not know, I have 27 trained monkeys I use to do my evil bidding. Well, the younger monkeys teeth have not fully developed and so slicing a banana to feed them is a neces- sary chore. The adult monkeys used to have to chew up bananas and feed their young but not anymore with the Victorio Kitchen Products 571B Banana Slicer. The adults are going bananas over this time saving easy product. No longer so they have to taste and chew the deliciousness banana without eating it teasing them like a teenage prom date. Now, they can eat and enjoy while i feed the young by slicing the bananas into small pieces that’s easy for them to digest, This prod- uct is aces in my book and if you have 27 trained monkeys that will help you take over the land of OZ, I highly recommenced this product. This product is more useful than a barrel of monkeys 2. 571B BANANA SLICER SAVED MY LIFE! Angela Hamel When a burgler came to my house I was tempted to reach for the butcher knife in the kitchen, but instead I grabbed the 571B ba- nana slicer. I told the burgler...”I’m gonna slice your nanner” and he ran in a terrible fright. Thank you 571B banana slicer for saving my home and possibly my life. 3. THE WAR IS OVER tdheld77 Vietnam, Korea, Iraq...they have nothing on the war I struggle with everyday in avoiding eye contact while eating a banana. If I eat it whole every time it enters my mouth I feel like I am being judged on my technique. Laughter stirs, people begin to point and shout “look at the woman “eating” a banana!!”...Now, thanks to this product the pressure has gone! I whip off the peel, and place this on my banana and eat it by hand, in pieces, non judgmental pieces! Thank the lord 4. THE 571B IS THE REAL DEAL pristine This is the only one used on official world tournaments and don’t settle for less. Some will try to sell you a 569, 570 or 571A but they are cheap versions of the real deal which is the 571B. At home I still have an old 134 series A (the cast iron one with the screw to set the width) which I use for special occasions, but when I travel the 571B is in my carry-on. The 200 and 300’s are really more for people with a tomato background. 5. JUST OKAY IWonder I would rate this product as just okay. It’s kind of cheaply made. But it works better than the hammer I’ve been using to slice my bananas. 6. ANGLE IS WRONG J. Anderson I tried the banana slicer and found it unacceptable. As shown in the picture, the slices is curved from left to right. All of my bananas are bent the other way. 7. NO MORE WINNING FOR YOU, MR. BA- NANA! SW3K For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well...my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Back- ground check...HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of ba- nana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer...thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. 8. SAVED MY MARRIAGE Mrs Toledo What can I say about the 571B Banana Slicer that hasn’t already been said about the wheel, penicillin, or the iPhone.... this is one of the greatest inventions of all time. My husband and I would argue constantly over who had to cut the day’s banana slices. It’s one of those chores NO ONE wants to do! You know, the old “I spent the entire day rearing OUR children, maybe YOU can pitch in a little and cut these bananas?” and of course, “You think I have the energy to slave over your damn bananas? I worked a 12 hour shift just to come home to THIS?!” These are the things that can de- stroy an entire relationship. It got to the point where our children could sense the tension. The minute I heard our 6-year-old girl in her bedroom, re-enacting our daily banana fight with her Barbie dolls, I knew we had to make a change. That’s when I found the 571B Banana Slicer. Our marriage has never been healthier, AND we’ve even incorporated it into our lovemaking. THANKS 571B BANANA SLICER! 9. GREAT GIFT Uncle Pookie Once I figured out I had to peel the banana before using - it works much better. Ordering one for my nephew who’s in the air force in California. He’s been using an old slinky to slice his banana’s. He should really enjoy this product! 10. A MILITARY ENDORSEMENT HappyHubby I have served in the US Army for over 12 years. I can say that there is technology being used by the military that is rarely seen in the civilian sector. Once in a while, however, an amazing product is released by the DoD for civilian use. The 571B is one of those prod- ucts. Although once called the M571B Tactical Banana Slicer (TBS) V1, they have declassified it for public use. I am glad to see this product on the market today but I will warn you now, this is a CI- VILIAN model and not designed for field use! 11. ANGLE WAS WRONG, WAS WRONG H. Madison I can’t believe anyone could be so inept as to think that they couldn’t slice their bananas because they bent “the wrong way.” All that person has to do is to buy the model 571C Banana Slicer that is for bananas that bend the other way. Although I prefer left-bending bananas, I got both the 571B and the 571C so that when shopping, I don’t have to have the hassle of finding bananas with the correct polarity. I hope “Angle Was Wrong” sees the light and removes that harsh one-star rating for this indispensable product duo. 12. GIVE YOUR MORNING SOME TIGER’S BLOOD vonbananaslicer Think about it. You have your knife in your hand. You cut the ba- nana. One slice. Two slice. Oh, shoot, that slice was twice as thick as the previous slice. Hmm. Try again. Third slice. My hell, that slice veered off to the side and it’s not a banana disc, it’s a stupid banana wedge. Oh, and the stupid thing is sticking to the knife. Repeat this over and over, each morning, and what are you left with? A frustrating start to the day, a waste of time, and stupid uneven lumpy banana mess. Start your day with the banana slicer? Even slices. Every time. You would literally have to be blind AND have Parkinson’s or ALS or something to mess this up. This banana slicer will literally save you years of time over the course of your life, it is so fast and easy. Not to mention it will save you years of stress. Keep a full head of hair, and keep yourself young and healthy: get the banana slicer. It will inject tiger’s blood into your morning routine and might liter- ally melt your face it is so great. 13. CONFUSING Q-Tip There is no way to tell if this is a standard or metric banana slicer. Additional markings on it would help greatly. 14. DO YOUR RESEARCH - BUT YOU WILL END UP WITH THIS! Michael J. Maddocks If you’re like me, you don’t go with the first product you see or hear about. You do your research. Due diligence. Investigation. When my wife and I decided a few years ago that we would like to start pricing banana slicers, we put together a master plan. This plan involved plenty of online research, talking with friends, family, neighbors, our financial advisor, our accountant, our at- torney, our ecclesiastical leader, we also read thousands of online reviews. We attended a couple of expos that showcased several banana slicing models.