GUIDE

330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com When everything that matters is at stake — We Take it Personally.®

We take the time to get to know you personally and to understand all the issues affecting you. We care about the details, and we’re available on your schedule. Our experienced attorneys will work with you closely from beginning to end. We do whatever it takes – the big things and the small ones – to get the job done. Jay Frank and Elizabeth Lazzara head the Aronberg Goldgehn family law team. Both have been selected by their peers as Leading Lawyers and Super Lawyers, a distinction afforded to only 5% of Illinois lawyers.

JAY FRANK understands that divorce makes MICHAEL ZASLAVSKY works with his clients, your life complicated. The financial and legal seeking every possible solution to resolve a issues only add to the stress, so it is impor- dispute before resorting to litigation. He has tant to find a lawyer to look out for your best achieved successful outcomes in even the most interests. “Everything that means anything complex situations, often involving financial, real is on the table: the children, the posses- estate, contract, and child custody issues, and sions, the house, the retirement plan, and is frequently appointed a child’s representative sometimes the family pet,” he says. He devotes himself in contested custody cases. Mr. Zaslavsky has also represented 110% to your case, six days a week. many high-profile professional athletes and business leaders in various domestic relations, real estate, and other matters. He has more than 40 years of experience, focusing largely on representing women in divorce. Mr. Frank has earned a JULIE NEUBAUER has a background as an reputation as an expert on family law, and frequently writes advocate and counselor for survivors of do- articles, speaks at seminars, and appears on TV and radio. mestic violence, and dedicates her practice Mr. Frank’s clients say that his caring attitude really sets to matrimonial and family law. She strives to him apart. bring stability into the lives of her clients and their families. ELIZABETH LAZZARA has spent the last 22 years assisting families with their family law STACI BALBIRER believes that a positive cli- conflicts; from child custody and parenting ent relationship is at the core of a successful issues to tracking down income and divid- outcome in divorce litigation. Her mentality ing up the financial pie. Her practical, expert, of placing her client’s needs first allows her and common-sense approach reassures cli- to zealously advocate on their behalf. Ms. ents that they will receive quality representa- Balbirer concentrates her practice on divorce tion specifically devoted to getting clients the results they and family law litigation with a special focus deserve. Ms. Lazzara’s specialized knowledge, expertise on assisting families with special needs children. Staci has and insight have led her to be recognized among the top both spoken and written on the topic of determining sup- family lawyers in Illinois. She is a mediator and also pub- port for special needs children as she believes this is an lishes and lectures regularly on family law topics. area of law that is of the utmost importance.

330 North Wabash Avenue, Suite 1700, Chicago, IL 60611 (312) 828-9600 www.agdglaw.com Men facing the challenge of divorce often struggle to find the answers, insights, and advice they need during this difficult and confusing time. In this special Men’s Divorce Guide, you’ll find hand selected articles, book excerpts, and more that focus exclusively on men’s divorce issues. Use the useful and practical information in here to help you safely and successfully make it through your divorce, and into your new life.

contents 4 Six Tips for a Peaceful Divorce 21 Keep in Contact with Your Ex About the Children A peaceful divorce is possible with the right attitude and Solid communication between you and your spouse is the right support. imperative to limit confusion of your child.

6 Concealing Information from Your Lawyer 22 The Way Home This family lawyer presents eye-opening “real life” A father’s insight helps him see divorce through his examples of how concealing information during divorce child’s eyes. can backfi re. 23 Popular Myths about Shared Parenting 9 It’s Your Life – Take Charge! Unravelling some common myths and prejudices about Some practical suggestions on getting through divorce shared parenting. more easily. 25 Tips for Divorced Dads 11 Betrayed How to create special memories and strengthen your Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and bonds with your children. betrayal of infi delity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce. 27 Body Work Taking care of your body during and after divorce is 15 Rageaholics: Abstain from These Behaviours essential to your emotional, mental, and physical health. An effective action plan for what we can do to control our anger. 31 More Helpful Information @ divorcemag.com 32 Your Divorce Community 19 Living in the Present The present moment is the only place you have true power and choice; here are some strategies to get you back into the present moment.

The articles in this Guide are provided for general information and may not apply to your unique situation. These articles do not take the place of a law- yer, accountant, financial planner, therapist, etc.; since laws and procedures vary by region, for professional advice, you must seek counsel from the appropriate professional in your area. The views presented in the articles are the authors’ own and do not necessarily represent the views of this firm or of Divorce Marketing Group. This Guide is published by and Copyright © Divorce Marketing Group. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Any use of materi- als from this Guide – including reproduction, modification, or distribution – without prior written consent of Divorce Marketing Group is prohibited.

Men’sMen’s DivDivorceorce GGuideuide | 3 Tips 6for a Peaceful Divorce

With the right attitude and the right support, a peaceful divorce is possible.

By Josh D. Simon

t fi rst glance, the idea of a Your attitude will profoundly influence Tip #1: If You Can’t Forgive, then “peaceful divorce” may be whether you respond wisely or react try to Accept Aimpossible to imagine. How- unwisely to your spouse. It will also deter- ever, as destructive as divorce can be for mine your ability to look past or through It’s hard for most people to forgive their some couples and families – in terms of the painful emotional fog that surrounds spouse for the hurtful things they have psychological turmoil, fi nancial wreck- you, so that you can make clear-headed done and said, or for all of the other major age, and lasting emotional damage to decisions that are best for you, your chil- and minor issues that come together and children and extended family – the fact dren, and your future. “cause” a divorce. The plain truth is that remains that it’s both possible and fea- divorce is often a crushing, unwanted sible to have a peaceful divorce. That’s Below, we present six tips for achieving a outcome to what both spouses hoped because, more than anything, the deci- peaceful divorce, so that you can eventu- and dreamed would be a lasting union. sion to take the peaceful path starts ally look back upon this time with your However, forgiving someone frees you with something within your grasp: your dignity, self-respect, and mental health from dragging around the heavy “bag- attitude. intact. gage” of negative thoughts and energy.

Men’s Divorce Guide | 4 If you aren’t ready to forgive your is an unfit parent, then he or she has a untrue. Therapy or life coaching is not spouse, then strive to accept the fact right to co-parent with you. Remember, for weak people: it’s for people who that the marriage is dissolving. And fur- it’s not about you or your ex: it’s about realize, clearly and objectively, that thermore, reach deep inside and accept your children, and what they need to they need professional assistance during the role you played in this outcome. grow into healthy, happy adults with a traumatic time. Professional athletes Without question, this is easier said than fond memories of both parents. are not weak for needing a coach: they done, and may be too agonizing in the recognize that good coaching makes the early stages of a divorce. However, the Tip #4: Choose a Divorce Lawyer difference between success and failure. sooner you can accept the situation and who Views Going to Court as a An experienced therapist or life coach your responsibility, the sooner you start Last Resort will provide you with valuable tools to heal – which is a key to a peaceful and strategies to help achieve a peace- divorce. You can only give what you Most divorce lawyers are skilled, com- ful divorce. If you aren’t sure of how to have, and if you have inner peace, then passionate professionals who sincerely get in touch with a therapist or coach, ask you can share it. want to help you make it through this your divorce lawyer for a referral. challenging time in your life quickly Tip #2: Take the High Road – and and as painlessly as possible. However, Remember, this Too Shall Pass Stay There there are a few divorce lawyers who will pour gasoline on your emotional fire, When you marched down the wedding Your spouse, her family, friends or even and march into litigation without striv- aisle, the idea that you might one day new significant other may try to drag ing to resolve your divorce through other divorce was the furthest thing from your your divorce through the mud. This means – such as negotiation, mediation, mind. Now that you’re facing divorce, may come in the form of comments said or other out-of-court settlement options. the idea that one day you’ll laugh and, to your face and behind your back. As Therefore, it’s critical that you choose a yes, even love again, may be even fur- tempting as it may be to react in-kind, divorce lawyer who has the intent, expe- ther from your mind. Use this thought, resolve to take the high road and decide rience, knowledge and attitude it takes to and the tips offered above, to keep you that you’re going to control the emo- help you settle without going to court. committed to the peaceful divorce that tional integrity of your divorce – at least you want, need and deserve.  as far as you can. This not only helps pre- Tip #5: Choose the Issues to serve your self-esteem and dignity, but Dispute Wisely surprisingly, it can also have a positive Related Articles influence on your spouse. By modeling Separating the emotional issues from the A Peaceful Divorce how someone should act during divorce, practical ones during divorce can seem Mediation can help you minimize you show her “how it’s done.” And, if impossible; sometimes it can seem like the financial and emotional costs of you notice that your ex is taking the high a battlefield with a hundred different divorce. road, acknowledge it as often as you can. skirmishes to fight. However, the road to www.divorcemag.com/articles/ a peaceful divorce isn’t a battle – it’s a peaceful-divorce Tip #3: Don’t Use Your Children dialogue. And that means your job is to as Pawns reflect and, with a calm and level-head, Why Seek Therapy decide which key issues are worth dis- Seeking professional help in times What harms children greatly during puting, and which ones you can just let of emotional need is one of the divorce is how their parents act during go. For example, you may place high most sensible steps to take. divorce. In other words, your children sentimental value on a piece of furniture www.divorcemag.com/articles/ are watching you and paying attention or the family car, but fighting for these why-seek-therapy to your attitudes, actions and behaviors. assets will not only cost you more in And that means if you use them as pawns legal fees, but also add needless conflict to “attack” your spouse – or worse, poi- and stress to your divorce. How to Exercise Forgiveness son them with sordid tales about how Learn about how not forgiving an evil and uncaring their mother is, you’re Tip #6: Consider Therapy or ex-spouse can hurt your recovery not harming your spouse, you’re harm- Coaching from the divorce process. ing your children. And in the same light, www.divorcemag.com/articles/ when it comes to custody negotiations The idea of needing therapy during how-to-exercise-forgiveness with your ex, don’t treat your children divorce can be, in itself, a source of like “assets” that you can try and trade stress; as if you’re somehow broken or withhold, depending on your mood. and need some professional to “put you Unless the courts agree that your spouse back together.” This perception is simply

Men’s Divorce Guide | 5 Concealing Information From Your Divorce Lawyer A family lawyer presents eye-opening “real life” examples of how concealing information during divorce can backfire.

By Joseph Cordell

e tell our clients that the most left him 20 years ago. But don’t try to don’t give it to us. They think that if they valuable thing they have in tell your lawyer – or a judge – that you don’t hand over that bank statement or Wtheir case is their credibility forgot about that offshore bank account don’t produce those tax records, maybe — their credibility with their lawyer, you set up two years ago, or about your this whole nightmare will go away. with their children, with social work- part-time job as a carpenter. And even if They’re in denial, and thereby denying ers or the GAL, and especially with the it’s an honest mistake, it makes you look their lawyer time to review the infor- judge. “The moment your credibility is bad if the other side’s lawyer brings up mation and plan the case. Furthermore, called into question, even slightly, is the something you have not mentioned. If they are only delaying the inevitable: moment you start to lose ground in your your wife knows about it, she probably opposing counsel will obtain the infor- case,” we warn. “The judge has only a told her lawyer. At trial is not the time to mation by subpoena eventually. very short period of time to get to know find out that she paid better attention to you and form an impression of you. If your financial affairs than you thought The other men who drag their feet on the judge hears one inconsistency, one she did. providing information are the high- lie or untruth, it colors everything else flyers, often professionals or execu- you have to say.” Two Types of Men tives. Maybe they don’t like the idea of someone telling them what to do when Of course, sometimes a client might Some clients don’t provide any infor- we insist that they “get those records honestly forget about a tiny retirement mation at all. Two types of men seem for us.” Maybe they think it’s beneath savings plan from three jobs and 15 to fall in this category. One type doesn’t them; that it’s something that an admin- years ago, or about a small plot of prop- want a divorce. We tell them what we istrative assistant should handle. Well, erty in the woods that his great-aunt need, over and over, but they simply we don’t care. Have an administrative

Men’s Divorce Guide | 6 consultants found was everything and Don’t try to tell your lawyer or a judge he said yes. The two sides reached a set- that you forgot about that offshore bank tlement that was approved by the court, and the case was closed. The client account or about your part-time job. Even if it’s figured he had saved himself about an honest mistake, it makes you look bad if the $50,000, since his wife hadn’t found the $100,000 in offshore accounts and he other side’s lawyer brings up something you avoided having to give her half.

have not mentioned. About six months later, a statement from an offshore investment house came to the client’s former home assistant handle it. Just get it to us. absolutely sure his wife did not know address, where his ex-wife still lived. If you say you can’t find your bank about a bank account he kept secretly Puzzled, she handed it to her lawyer. records, we can contact the bank and on the side. He had used the money in Her lawyer handed it to the financial get them for you, but it is going to cost the account to fund a number of affairs consultants, who quickly tracked down you time and money, and add signifi- over the years, paying for dinners, the account. My client was busted. He cantly to your legal fees. (Most law- drinks, and hotel rooms with his girl- came dragging back to me crying for yers really do work hard to keep fees friends. If the client had told me about help, but there was nothing I could do. down. We profit more by keeping fees the bank account, we would have had He had lied to his wife, the financial down and getting more referrals than to include it in the financial statements, consultants, to the court, and to me, his by running up avoidable costs.) and his soon-to-be-ex-wife would have lawyer. The ex-wife’s lawyer petitioned been entitled to half of the money in the the court and the case was re-opened. I’ve had men try to hide their gam- account. But the client didn’t tell me. The settlement decree was altered and bling problems, or “forget” to mention He figured there was no way his wife my former client was ordered to give his that little detail about a DWI arrest. could have found out about it. But she ex-wife an additional $100,000 plus her Inevitably, those things come back to did. One of his ex-girlfriends was angry lawyer fees in reopening the case. Why bite us – and surprise us, to make mat- with him for dumping her, and she told lie and risk losing not only your self- ters worse – at a trial. If your wife knows the wife about the account. The wife’s respect but twice as much as it would something about you, then you’d better lawyer sprung it on us in court. As cost you to tell the truth? assume her lawyer is going to know it, often happens when a judge finds out too. And if your wife and her lawyer that a guy is trying to hide assets, the Nothing but the Truth MEANS know something about you, they may judge awarded the entire amount in the Nothing but the Truth use it against you. If you once threw a account to the wife. shoe at your wife, I want to know about Speaking of perjury, clients do ask us it – even if you missed her on purpose It’s Not Always “Case Closed” about that. Sometimes they have done – because she might cite that as an After the Decree something wrong, and they want to example of your violent tendencies. If know if it’s all right to shade the truth you once said, “I wish I was dead,” I Some men think that if they can hide an while under oath. I think they expect us want to know, because she could claim asset until the divorce decree becomes to wink at them, or give them some sort you are suicidal. If you once stuck a few final, they’re in the clear. Not so. I had of signal that it’s okay because this hap- free samples of Claritin in your pocket a client who sold a lot of stock when pens all the time in court. Well, we’re in the examining room when your doc- he realized a divorce was on the hori- not going to do that. We’re not going tor’s back was turned, I want to know, zon. He sprinkled the proceeds into a to encourage or endorse or in any way because she might cite it as an example bunch of bank accounts here and there. approve any sort of testimony that is of your dishonesty or your reliance on He disclosed a couple of the accounts, not accurate. Under oath, in response drugs. You might think those are ridicu- but not all. His wife’s lawyer hired to questioning from your wife’s lawyer, lous examples, but they’re not. Your financial consultants – which is not you can answer the questions narrowly lawyer needs to know anything and unusual in cases involving a lot of and precisely. But you must tell “noth- everything your wife might say about money or complicated holdings – to ing but the truth.” you to hurt you or your case. go through the books. The consultants found almost everything, except for a We were recently involved in a case Even if you are sure it’s something couple of offshore accounts that had where the wife was independently your wife doesn’t know about, tell us a combined total of about $100,000. wealthy, an heiress, and she was asked anyway. I once had a client who was I asked the client if what the wife’s questions specifically about her trust

Men’s Divorce Guide | 7 fund. The heiress answered artfully. She less interested in the emotional side of time since then. But she might bring it made it sound as if the trust fund was her divorce and more and more focused up. The important thing is for a man sole source of income, about $500,000 solely on the contractual aspects. If that going through divorce to at least hit the a year. When it eventually came out on client had been running the case, he highlights of things that might work cross-examination that the heiress actu- probably would have shown himself to against him, and then let the lawyer ally had two other trust funds paying her be angry and irrational; his wife might explore the various topics if necessary. more than $1 million a year, she ended have won full custody. Instead, we If you cheated on your taxes or with up paying through the nose, and her finally got him to focus a little on other another woman, tell your lawyer. If you lawyer ended up on the wrong end of an aspects of his wife’s life – she mishan- sometimes holler or sometimes get sul- ethics investigation. dled their money, she kept getting fired len, tell your lawyer. from jobs, she didn’t get along with his Revenge and Punishment: Two parents – and we built on a series of Don’t make a stupid mistake: Tell your Traps small things to the point where we were lawyer everything that might work able to get the guy shared custody. against you.  Men often misjudge the importance of one particular fact: cheating wives. As Sometimes in divorce cases both par- This article has been lawyers, we try to be sympathetic and ties have skeletons that they’d like edited and excerpted from listen. We know it’s tough any time to keep in the closet, and they tacitly the book The 10 Stupidest someone you love has betrayed you agree not to bring them up. She won’t Mistakes Men Make and wants to leave you for someone mention that he hit her, and he won’t When Facing Divorce And else. You were good enough for her mention that he hit her because she How To Avoid Them by once, but not anymore. She’s found was waving a butcher knife. I once had Joseph Cordell, Esq. someone better. That used to matter a client who told me that he and his Copyright © 2010. Published by Three much more, years ago, in divorce law. soon-to-be-ex had been swingers. They Rivers Press. Joseph Cordell is founder, If one party committed adultery, that would go to parties where they’d swap with his wife, Yvonne, of Cordell & party was at fault, and that was cause partners with other couples and have Cordell, P.C., one of the leading law firms for divorce. But things have changed. sex orgies, sometimes with multiple in the USA representing men in family Many states have no-fault divorce, and partners over the course of the evening, law cases. He is also the creator of even states that still ascribe fault tend one after another, and sometimes mul- www.DadsDivorce.com. For more infor- to downplay infidelity. In truth, in most tiple partners at once, threesomes and mation, visit www.cordellcordell.com. divorce cases, and especially in terms foursomes. His soon-to-be-ex told her of dividing the property, the law and lawyer, too. They were involved in a Related Articles the courts don’t much care if some- custody battle, but everybody sort of body had an affair as long as the chil- reached an unspoken agreement not to Ten Fatal Mistakes that Divorcing dren weren’t harmed or marital funds mention the wife-swapping – “don’t People Make weren’t misused. ask, don’t tell” – since both were Don’t make these mistakes too equally involved. It never came up dur- while going through your divorce. But some guys can’t get over it. They ing the proceedings. I’ve got to tell you, www.divorcemag.com/articles/ want revenge. They need to make it though, that throughout the proceed- ten-fatal-mistakes-that-divorcing- public, they need to punish her, and they ings, the soon-to-be-exes often looked people-make need to make her suffer. I remember we at each other with blazing, angry eyes, had one client who simply couldn’t let and then looked away. I wondered Should I tell my lawyer the whole it go. “This is the worst thing she could if they were thinking (a) hey, I could truth? have done to me,” he told us. “Killing destroy him or her if I told about the Certain secrets that you don’t feel me would have been better.” He said wife-swapping, and then, (b) oops, I’d like sharing may in fact be helpful this made her a horrible person and a be destroying myself, too. It was like a information to the lawyer managing horrible parent. He wanted full custody staredown. I, for one, was glad neither your divorce case. and wanted her to see their kids as lit- of them blinked. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ tle as possible. It took the judge about barbarito-should-i-tell-my-lawyer- two minutes to shoot down that whole The bottom line is that we know it’s the-whole-truth rationale. Having an affair typically impossible for a client to tell his law- doesn’t mean the mom is a bad par- yer everything. A wife might bring up ent. It means she fell out of love, or something the husband said seven years she found someone else. It happens, it’s earlier in the heat of an argument, and it human. The law has become less and hadn’t made any difference then or any

Men’s Divorce Guide | 8 It’s Your Life, Take Charge! Here are some practical sug- gestions on how to make your divorce easier and less adversarial — so you and your children can move on with dignity and respect. By Diana S. Dodson

e need to learn how to have a more amenable divorce, espe- Wcially when there are children involved. It is very diffi cult to get a divorce without feeling or doing some of the following: • Anger. • Getting even with our ex-spouse. • Blaming your spouse for the problems. • Not accepting your responsibility for the marriage breaking up. • Denying the problems exist. • Putting the children in the middle. • Feeling like a failure. • Feeling rejected.

Don’t Try to Get Even with Your Spouse

These are some of the things we do and feel when we are in the middle

Men’s Divorce Guide | 9 If parents can accept the divorce and come other, the divorce will be much easier on the children. The children will then to terms with themselves and each other, the have a better chance to adjust. Accept divorce will be much easier on the children. The that it is over, learn, and grow from the experience and become a better parent. children will then have a better chance to adjust. Never put the children in the middle. Don’t use them to get even. Don’t say of getting a divorce. We may feel we the emotional turmoil you put your- bad things about the other parent to your aren’t to blame and we don’t know how self through. children. This could come back to haunt the marriage went wrong. Because we • Don’t blame the other one entirely. you as the children get older and are have so many feelings, one of our first Accept your part in the breakup. able to see you for who you really are. desires may be to get even with our • Try to sit down quietly, or with an soon to be ex-spouse. We want them to unbiased third party, to work out Set some rules that are the same at feel as badly as we do. We do things that some of the logistics of the divorce. both houses. If the child is acting out at we know will hurt them. • Talk with someone to get a reality school, stealing, cutting school, getting check. “Am I doing the right thing?” a speeding ticket, or not getting good Getting even is only a temporary fix and “Am I overreacting?” grades you should have certain rules can hurt the children. We really don’t • You may want to try a trial separa- that apply to them no matter if they’re want to set a bad example for them. tion. Step back from the marriage to with their mom or their dad.  Please remember our children are the see the relationship from a different most precious things in our lives. We point of view. This article has been want them to respect us and we need to edited and excerpted from set a good example no matter how we Might the Marriage Still Work It’s Your Life, Take feel. Out? Charge! (Authorhouse, 2008). Read more about When one or the other spouse is feeling Go to marriage counseling, even if you how you can understand negative, or does not love their spouse feel finished with the marriage. Things yourself to a greater anymore, they often set up negative may still be worked out. extent and be your own guide to your situations, hoping the other one will happiness. Diana S. Dodson has spent leave the marriage. It’s harder to say, “I If you truly would like to get back with many years working as a counselor and don’t love you anymore,” than to cre- your spouse, try not to do the same kinds mental health consultant for children, ate a miserable marriage. Try to at least of things that got you into the troubled adolescents, and adult schizophrenics. be honest with your spouse and let them marriage. If there was an affair, by all know how you’re feeling. Honesty can means, get that person out of your life. Related Article at least decrease some of the anger and frustrations that you helped create. If you drink or do drugs too much, get 5 Ways to Keep Children Out of yourself into treatment so you can show Conflict During Your Divorce Even if you feel some anger, frustration, your spouse you’re willing to change If you have fought in front of your or rejection or are just plain devastated, your behavior. You will never have a children, or have said negative there are ways to feel better about the successful relationship if drugs or alco- things to them about your ex, it’s divorce. hol are a major part of the marriage. not too late to do the right thing. These chemicals distort reality and help www.divorcemag.com/articles/5- Ideas and Examples to Try to create an attitude of not caring about ways-to-keep-children-out-of- what happens in the relationship. conflict-during-your-divorce • Try to remember if both of you aren’t happy in the marriage, then it You must tell each other the truth and Should I tell my lawyer the whole really isn’t a good marriage. stop lying. Don’t distort and manipulate truth? • Don’t try to hurt the other person. your feelings. If you aren’t honest with Certain secrets that you don’t feel This is very immature. You may your feelings, then that is a form of a lie. like sharing may in fact be helpful think this will make you feel better, information to the lawyer managing but you will probably feel ashamed A Few Parenting Tips your divorce case. of yourself when you actually start www.divorcemag.com/articles/ to feel better. You will probably feel If parents can accept the divorce and barbarito-should-i-tell-my-lawyer- that your ex-spouse wasn’t worth come to terms with themselves and each the-whole-truth

Men’s Divorce Guide | 10 Betrayed Allow yourself to heal from the trauma, stress, grief, and betrayal of infidelity before deciding whether your next step is marriage counseling – or divorce.

By Sheri Meyers

“I got ‘punched’ again today. I thought I was doing really well, handling things better and not thinking about the betrayal, and then suddenly a whole deluge of emotions came flooding in as I remembered the texts and love letters my wife sent to her so-called ‘friend’. I feel betrayed all over again. Will I ever get over this?”

etrayal smashes your world to life with has completely trashed your infidelity was a total shock or you had the very core, throwing you feelings and emotions. been suspicious for some time. B into the depths of despair. Added to this, you can feel totally Your precise reactions – your thoughts The trust you might have once shared is alone and isolated since the one per- and feelings – will depend somewhat now on life support. The fact that you son in the world you were building a on whether your discovery of the were betrayed, the fact that you let this

Men’s Divorce Guide | 11 go unnoticed for however long it was • Feel irritated and angry with trivial • Write down your thoughts and may lead to you start doubting yourself. things. feelings. In a private journal, try Betrayal is tied into abandonment and • Feel like everything is too much of putting your emotions to the page. loss. You may want to hurt your spouse, an effort. A 2003 British Psychological get even, or walk away. • Evade people whom you do not want Society study indicated that writing to inform. about emotions might even speed The physical and mental state you are • Not have the energy to consider how the healing of physical wounds. If in might be overwhelming. Your body to get over the affair. journaling about pain can heal a shakes and shivers, your heart pounds, • Have difficulty thinking, concentrat- physical injury, think about what your stomach aches. Your mind races ing, and retaining information. writing might do for your broken with feelings of anger and shock, dis- • Be consumed by a sense of hurt and heart. Write down your thoughts appointment and hurt, confusion and anger and even vengefulness. and feelings about your partner’s despair, shame and disbelief. Your self- • Feel tired all the time and have sleep unfaithfulness. esteem and your sense of relationship problems (too little or too much). continuity, emotional safety, and trust • Experience physical reactions such • Tears are healthy. If they aren’t may be completely rattled to the core. as nausea, diarrhea, shakiness, binge coming naturally, put on some eating, or not wanting to eat. blues-type music or watch a sad These feelings are real signs of the pain • Feel overwhelmed with strong emo- movie. and hurt within and do need to be faced tions – uncertainty, fear, rejection, rather than suppressed. However, try shame, loss of hope, disappointment, • It’s okay and healthy to laugh. not to act on feelings alone. agitation, irritation, anger, frustra- Watch some funny movies or TV tion, sadness, despair, amongst shows. Spend some time with Right now is a really bad time to make others. people who make you smile. Life life-changing decisions. Initially sur- goes on in spite of heartache and viving infidelity means nothing more I have never met anyone who hasn’t unfaithful partners. than letting the fog rise. Give yourself experienced these emotions (in some some time to calm down a bit, feel your blend) after the discovery of an affair • Ask all the questions you want. feelings, get your thoughts straight, and – the journey to healing is often like a Talk with your partner about the take care of yourself. Only when you roller-coaster ride. At times you may infidelity. Ask the questions you start to feel a little better can you begin feel like you’re progressing quite well, need to ask and be understanding to consider what your next step should only to be confronted with a reminder that your partner may not have all be. and whoosh, the pain is back as if it the answers just yet as to why the just happened. Don’t be disheartened. infidelity took place. Keep dialogu- Knowing What to Expect Makes It doesn’t mean you aren’t healing: it ing, sharing, expressing, inviting, the Passage Easier means you’re normal. and listening.

Life is always easier to handle when Feel your feelings, do not ignore them. • See a counselor. Talking to an you have some idea of what you may Left alone and unhealed, they will only objective third party will help be subjected to at any given moment. make you calloused and afraid. Here are you process the situation and will Once you have experienced a deep some tips for handling your emotions: stop you from being too hard on betrayal such as this, it is not unusual to: • Deal with your feelings head on, yourself. • Cry at the drop of a hat. the sooner the better. Take a strong, • Experience a deep sense of loss. proactive stance. • Avoid the blame game over who or what caused the infidelity. It’s just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won’t change anything. Allow yourself time to concentrate on • Transform your anxiety into what is good and right in your life - there gratitude. Gratitude transforms is something in your life to be thankful for. fear and pain into something else. When you’re in angst over loss, Relish those things with regularity filled with fear...name five things you’re grateful for. It’s a way to become present with yourself and

Men’s Divorce Guide | 12 inspiring. You never know what solution might pop into your head when you have a moment of silence to yourself.

Manage your Thoughts and Thinking

Clarify your priorities. Write a list of what you need to get done and then do it. Remember that some things can wait, and if they can’t, then get them done as soon as you can – but be gentle with yourself.

Do the least amount of work pos- sible to meet your priorities. Whether it’s cooking dinner for the kids or getting a report done for work, choose the simple meal and get the report done so it covers only what is needed. Neither of these needs to be perfect, they just need to be completed. connected. Allow yourself time to a flower to petting an animal can concentrate on what is good and help take you away for even a min- Give yourself permission to not right in your life - there is some- ute, which starts the process of feel- make any important decisions thing in your life to be thankful for. ing free. right now. Most decisions can wait Relish those things with regular- until you have sorted through the ity. This strategy works miracles • Give to others. Kindness and char- emotional mess. The relationship for bringing a person out of any ity, no matter what you feel like might be shaky, it might be over, but gloomy mood. inside, is a win/win. Doing good you do not have to decide what to do feels good. Studies show that the about it just yet. If you’ve already • Take a break from your wor- happiest people are ones who temporarily separated from your ries. Make time for some feel-good give the most happiness to others. partner and you’re worried about activities – anything from having a When you’re depressed, anxious or financial issues, then you may need cup of coffee with a friend to tak- stressed, there is a high degree of to hire an attorney to get a tempo- ing the kids to the zoo, getting a focus on the self. Focusing on the rary order forbidding disposal of any massage or playing a round of golf. needs of others literally helps shift marital assets along with a support Get out and about, break the routine your thinking and your mood from order if you are financially depen- and enjoy the adventures without victimhood to empowerment. dent. However, if you must take this relationship woes or discussions to route be firm with your lawyer – tell contend with. • Get an ego boost. To move on from him or her that this is just for your the psychological self-hatred, try peace of mind and that you do not • Learn how to relax. Just think- some retail therapy, get a new hair- plan to make any decisions soon. ing about relaxing is a good thing. cut, buy some new clothes. Move Saying the word ‘relax’ to yourself on from the doldrums and make Take Care of Yourself is a great thing. Actually relaxing is yourself feel special. the best thing. Remember, it’s one If someone you loved was trauma- breath away. Tell yourself, “I am • The sounds of silence. After you tized, how would you take care of calm,” “I am safe,” “I can handle have done a chore, run an errand them? How would you hold them? this,” over and over again. or completed a call, take some time What would you be telling them? to sit and be – no noise, no music, This is the time to take the energy • Learn the art of taking minute nothing. Silence. It is amazing how you’ve invested into your now trau- vacations. Anything from smelling rejuvenating this is, and also how matized relationship and put some

Men’s Divorce Guide | 13 of that energy back into nurturing out of your zone and put a smile Be sure to surround yourself with yourself. on your face. One smile leads to people that will uplift you. another, and then to another. Rebuild yourself from the ground • As much as you may feel alone up. Be very kind and gentle with 5. Exercise. Exercise is the enemy of right now, it is imperative that you yourself. Balance is the key to get- stress, depression, and anxiety. It is are not. ting through this experience of the natural way to calm your body • Make wise choices about whom betrayal. Practice Self-love CPR: and alleviate the negative emo- you surround yourself with and be Care, Protect, and Resuscitate your tions that you may be feeling. Do firm. body, mind, and spirit. Looking after something physical for your body • Ask for help or talk to a friend who your body will look after your mind. every day: park far away from the is good at listening. Here are five tips for you to try: entrance to the supermarket, take • Friends are there to help, even if the stairs instead of the elevator, they don’t know it. 1. Do not abuse substances or walk to work. Try to get in 30 min- • Look for the silver lining, not the medications. Substances (drugs, utes a day to raise your tempera- cloud.  alcohol, cigarettes, coffee) are ture and lift your mood. devastating to your body and This article was adapted mind. Medications should only Your Relationship with Others with permission from ever be taken in accordance with Chatting or Cheating: the dosage recommended. In times Surround yourself with friends. Don’t How to Detect Infidelity, of stress it may be tempting to over try to get through coping with unfaith- Rebuild Love, and medicate or abuse, but this will fulness unaided. Affair-Proof Your only impair your sleep patterns and Relationship, ® 2012 cause you to spiral downward into Friends are your life support system, Sheri Meyers, Psy. D. depression. your allies, and your outlet. Do not try to cope with this alone. Spend time Sheri Meyers, Psy.D, is a licensed 2. Eat healthily and regularly. with friends and talk about everyday Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Eating well and drinking water are stuff, not just this stuff. Angeles, CA. She is among the national essential to your body receiving media’s most frequently quoted and the nutrients it needs to function Don’t be mistrustful of everyone. interviewed relationship, infidelity, and properly. Treat yourself as if you Just because one person let you down life-transition experts. For a free chap- were your own child – eat good, does not mean everyone will. Do not ter from Chatting or Cheating, helpful wholesome meals that are bal- let this upset cause you to become a videos and additional articles, visit: anced and freshly-made. bitter and angry person. www.chattingorcheating.com.

3. Get plenty of sleep. Sleep is Set boundaries with friends and essential for you to function in an family. It’s okay to say, “No.” Even Related Articles optimum fashion – both mentally the most well-intentioned person can and physically. If you are having become an irritation if you do not Frequently Asked Questions trouble going to sleep, because speak up. If your best friend is too about Infidelity of punishing, pain-producing forceful in their opinions and they Here are answers to the most thoughts, try this: keep a journal won’t listen when you say, “I really commonly-asked questions about by your bed, write down your anx- don’t want to talk about this now,” infidelity. ieties, and imagine them flowing then assign them another chore; per- www.divorcemag.com/articles/ OUT of YOU and onto the paper. haps taking care of the kids for a few frequently-asked-questions-about- Say, “I fully release you and let hours while you spend some time infidelity you go. I give myself permission alone. They want to help, but they to peacefully sleep.” might not know how to – so tell them! Warning Signs of Infidelity These are some of the suspicious 4. Let yourself laugh. The simple Do not hang around sad people. signs that your spouse may be hav- things can make you smile – time Misery might love company, but that ing an affair. with friends or even a child you doesn’t do you any favors right now. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ enjoy, a movie, a massage, a pic- You will only end up absorbing their warning-signs-of-infidelity nic in the park or a snowball fight. sadness and distress, and you have Do whatever you can do to get you enough to deal with on your own.

Men’s Divorce Guide | 14 Rageaholic: Abstain From These Behaviors

An effective action plan for what we can do to control our anger. By Newton Hightower

he fi rst question to ask yourself is, While our intentions are often good, we is silence. We must abstain from “Why am I reading this article?” rageaholics just can’t make our resolu- speaking, keep the lid on our pres- TThe fact that you even have this tions work. Simple self-talk and global sure cooker, keep the valve shut article means that either you realize you affirmations about our “inherent good- and turn off the fire by stopping the have a problem, your wife is leaving ness” don’t work. Although we should thoughts that build up the steam. We you, the children aren’t talking to you, be aware of our internal voices, we either have to change our internal or you may just feel guilty at how your must also learn to develop new voices to dialogue or learn to shut it off. anger is affecting your family and your replace the “soldier talk” and the heroic life. Apart from the damage your anger rescue fantasies discussed in this article. Silence is the number one behavior is doing to your marriage, we know that More than anything else, we must have to learn. Being silent doesn’t mean confl ict between parents is traumatic for a plan of action. What follows is an that we have stopped listening. children. effective action plan for what we can do Instead, it means that we are in con- to abstain from expressing anger. trol of our anger. “What Can I Do to Never Blow Up Again?” When Angry — Stop the 2. Stop Staying. Following 15 Behaviors: Stop telling yourself: You may have made resolutions “But she hates it when I walk out on such as: 1. Stop Speaking. her.” “I will never do that again.” Stop telling yourself: “It’s my house; I’m not going “I will never scream like that again.” “I’m not going to just sit here and let anywhere.” “I will never put my hands on her talk to me that way.” her again.” “She’s the one who needs to shut up What does “stop staying” mean? It for once.” means leave the scene quickly and Making resolutions like “I will never quietly. Imagine an anger scale of 0 rage again” doesn’t work. If it did, you The all-time, fail-proof, safest action to 10. Zero equals no anger and ten would not be reading this article. when we feel rage well up inside equals rage. Once you have gone

Men’s Divorce Guide | 15 Simple self-talk and global affirmations about One of the most important behav- iors to abstain from immediately is our “inherent goodness” don’t work. Although profanity. The reason is not from a moral or religious point of view, but we should be aware of our internal voices, from a psychological and behavioral we must also learn to develop new voices to perspective. If we don’t curse, we don’t inflame our rage. If we abstain replace the “soldier talk” and the heroic rescue from all profanity, no matter what, it fantasies. will immediately reduce the amount of anger we must manage. In other words, cursing adds steam to our pressure cooker and inflames our to 5 or higher, get out. It’s prob- 4. Stop Interrupting. anger. ably too late if you wait until you Stop telling yourself: get to 8 or above. In fact, once you “I have to interrupt because what If you were to have a temper tantrum get that angry, you won’t be able to she’s saying is wrong.” without profanity, where you stomp restrain yourself from speaking and “What do you mean don’t interrupt your foot and say, “Gee whiz, I’m you probably won’t be able to leave. her? She was the one who inter- really upset by that. Golly gee, that When you feel your anger start to go rupted me.” really frustrated me,” then took a up the scale or if it just jumps up to blood sample, you would likely find 5, don’t stay. Leave quietly. It is sometimes impossible to tell no biochemical change. If you were who is interrupting whom when to pretend having a temper tantrum How do you know when you’ve anger begins to rise. It is important with profanity, even though you reached a five on the anger scale? not to interrupt and to allow others were not angry, then took a blood Well, you should begin to monitor to interrupt you, but this is the one sample, you would find a biochemi- your anger signs to become aware thing that most of us ragers feel we cal change. These changes would of your internal states. Each person can’t stand. occur because the use of profan- has different physical responses ity starts the flow of adrenaline for when he gets angry. Some people Why is it that we ragers always think rageaholics. will sweat profusely; others will feel we are on the verge of making some their muscles tightening. Some will profound and interesting point when Some men in anger groups have get clam-my hands, and still others someone interrupts us? We say, worked on stopping profanity for an will feel their blood pressure rising. “Wait a minute. That’s the one thing entire year before they went through Learn your anger signs. I can’t stand. I’m just about to get a full day without cursing. Other to the point here.” We need to train men have been able to do it almost 3. Stop Staring. ourselves not to interrupt others. instantly. Stop telling yourself: If someone interrupts us, we must “I was just looking at her.” allow it. If interrupted, we need to go 6. Stop Name-Calling. “I’m not staring. She wants me to back to number one: Abstain from Stop telling yourself: look at her when she talks, so I was speaking. If we are getting madder, “But she was calling me names. looking.” then we shouldn’t stay. Our wives She’s the one with the problem.” will notice the silence and they will “I didn’t mean it when I called her Couples who stare intensely at notice us leaving quietly. They will those names. She understands that I each other when they are angry are also notice that we are allowing was just angry.” actually glaring. Looking someone them to interrupt us without inter- in the eye in a hostile way is taunt- rupting them. Name-calling is another way to pro- ing and provocative. On the streets duce steam. It is also a behavior that this kind of behavior has led to more 5. Stop Cursing. we rageaholics need to abstain from than a few severe beatings and even Stop telling yourself: immediately. We need to stop using deaths. Glaring is a primitive fight “Hey, you don’t know where I work. not only the vile, crude names, but or flight response and is often a pre- Over there, everybody curses all the also names like “stupid” and “crazy.” cursor to physical violence. Many time.” Using those names inflames an argu- ragers use staring and the “evil eye” “You mean I’m supposed to say ment. When we name-call, even in to intimidate those around them. ‘ouch’ instead of *&.%@#$+ when jest, our spouse doesn’t know we are I stub my toe?” “just kidding” and doesn’t think it

Men’s Divorce Guide | 16 is funny. Name-calling hurts others Some men in wanted some mushy-mouth guy, she and it raises our anger level. should have married one. That ain’t anger groups have me.” Name-calling is a destructive ele- ment in a relationship. If you call worked on stopping The “mean tone” is an important your wife a bad name, there’s no profanity for an but hard issue for rageaholics to going back. It could take months understand. Even though we are for her to recover. You may think, entire year before abstaining from the more obvious “I’m over my anger. Why can’t they went through behaviors of rage like touching or she let it go?” Ragers don’t under- slamming doors, our wives may feel stand the level of destruction caused a full day without that we despise or hate them, just by when they call their partner a name. the tone of our voice. (To the recipient it could be like cursing. Other men President Truman saying to the have been able to do 10. Stop Being Sarcastic. Stop emperor of Japan, “It was just a cou- Mocking. ple of bombs. What’s the big deal?”) it Stop telling yourself: almost instantly. “She doesn’t understand that I’m 7. Stop Threatening. just joking.” Stop telling yourself: “She has no sense of humor. That’s “Sometimes I just want to warn her “Yelling is the only way to get the real problem.” she’s about to go too far.” her attention and let her know I’m “You’re not going to talk to me that serious.” Sarcastic one-liners are fine for way. No one is going to talk to me “I’m not yelling. She’s not listening. television sitcoms, but they don’t that way. I don’t take that kind of If she would just listen, I wouldn’t work for maintaining a real fam- talk from anyone.” have to yell.” ily life. When the actors leave the stage after delivering their sarcastic Even subtle threats wreak havoc in Like other self-destructive behav- remark, they go back to their dress- terms of your partner’s fear of aban- iors, raising our voices and yelling ing rooms. After we drop a sarcastic donment. The object is to make a only fuels our anger. Like finger- one-liner, we have to stick around women feel more secure through the pointing, we are sometimes unaware for the consequences. Often ragers use of reassurance rather than argu- of how loud we are talking. First, don’t realize how much pain and ment, accusations or threats, which we must gain some awareness of hurt our sarcastic remarks cause. We would only increase her anger and these behaviors. On a scale of 0-10 misjudge the impact of our sarcasm. fear of abandonment. (0 equals silence), when you raise We need to stop making wisecracks your voice to a 2 or 3, it needs to be about our wife and family members. 8. Stop Pointing. brought to your attention. (How do Stop telling yourself: you know if it’s a 2 or a 3? Ask other In addition, stop telling yourself: “I was just trying to get her people to let you know.) It is impor- “I was just trying to show her what it attention.” tant for spouses, family members, sounds like when she snivels about “I’m not aware of my pointing —it’s friends and therapists to intervene work all the time.” a natural thing to do.” early when we begin to raise our “That’s just the way I let her know voices. They can say something like, when she’s nagging me too much.” Pointing a finger at someone is fre- “You are beginning to raise your quently an unconscious behavior. voice. Please lower it.” As a rager, 11. Stop Throwing Things, Slamming We ragers might need to ask our our appropriate response should be, Doors, or Banging Walls. spouse and friends to tell us when “You are right. Thanks for point- Stop telling yourself: we are doing this. In my therapy ing it out.” Having others point out “It’s just a way to let off steam. groups, members make each other to us when we are raising our voice Besides, I’m not hurting anyone.” aware of finger-pointing. Instead and yelling will help us monitor our “At least I don’t break things like of pointing at the other person, you behavior. I used to. Now I usually just throw need to look at yourself. pillows.” Furthermore, stop telling yourself: 9. Stop Yelling, Raising your Voice, “Hey, what’s she talking about? I We need to stop throwing things or Talking in a Mean Tone. wasn’t yelling, cursing or anything.” like pillows, keys and other objects. Stop telling yourself: “This is how I normally talk. If she All objects including shirts, jackets

Men’s Divorce Guide | 17 and underwear should also not be “Hero stories” are stories we tell “You mean I can’t express any of my thrown. Throwing is an aggressive about how we lost our temper or feelings?” act that is perceived as threatening made a sarcastic remark. When we and intimidating by those around us. retell the story, it makes us look like It is essential that we abstain from Throwing things–regardless of how a hero for standing up against some- criticism. A lot of men with rage harmless the objects are–fuels our one. Seldom do we tell these stories problems think it’s our job to help anger. with shame; mostly we tell them our wives improve by pointing out with pride. It’s as if we are waiting their short-comings. Stopping this Also stop telling yourself: for our audience to say, “What a behavior in ourselves calls for a dra- “ Slamming doors is just my way of man” or “Yeah, you really told her matic shift in values. It is not our job letting her know I really want to be off.” Often we find ourselves using in life to point out what others are left alone.” profanity when telling and retelling doing wrong.  “I don’t see who or what it hurts to the story. Telling hero stories is like release my anger a little.” getting two rushes for the price of This article has been one. We lose our temper and get a edited and excerpted from Slamming a door shut is the ultimate rush of adrenaline, then we call and the book Anger Busting “last word.” We ragers were trained tell a friend our hero story and get 101: New ABCs for in the “two slam exit method.” We another rush. Angry Men and the first curse out whoever is in the Women Who Love Them room, then slam the door. We wait Hero stories only fuel our anger by Newton Hightower. a few seconds, then open the door by making us look bigger than we Published by Bayou Publishing. again, say a few more vile things, really are. They often hide pain, and slam it shut. This action results anguish and fear. Newton Hightower is a licensed psy- in several things. First, it fuels our chotherapist, founder and director of anger. Second, it is a provocative act 14. Stop Sighing, Clucking, or Rolling the Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., in that reeks of intimidation. Third, it your Eyes. Houston, Texas. You can purchase the says that we won’t stick around to Stop telling yourself: book at www.BayouPublishing.com. work things out. Slamming doors “Well, it’s discouraging to hear her is also a good way to infuriate the complain all the time.” Related Articles other person. “My sighs just mean I’m tired. It wasn’t directed at her. She’s too Coping with Divorce-Related 12. Stop all Non-Affectionate touchy.” Anger Touching. Divorce-related anger can literally Stop telling yourself: Another behavior to abstain from is make you crazy – causing you to say “She was out of control. I was just using various kinds of sighs. These and do things you’d never dream of holding her on the bed so she could sounds are often a way to express if you were thinking clearly. Even get control of herself.” anger, disgust or disapproval. The though it’s a normal part of the heal- “I was just defending myself when sighs can also heat up an argument, ing process, anger can become a she tried to slap me.” especially if people are overly sensi- destructive force in your life. tive to each other’s moods. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ It’s unacceptable to touch in anger, coping-with-divorce-related-anger including any kind of aggressive Nonverbal explosive responses gen- touching like pushing or holding. erate a lot of hostility in relation- Taming Divorce-Related Anger It’s also a bad idea. If the police are ships. More and more researchers Anger not faced doesn’t go away; called and your spouse or girlfriend are finding that couples express it is redirected. A “divorce hang- has bruises, that is domestic vio- most of the hostility to each other over” begins when anger becomes lence. In that instance, you can be in nonverbal ways, so the how is as directed toward whatever or whom- arrested and jailed. important as what we say. ever (including yourself) you con- sider responsible for the divorce. 13. Stop Telling “Hero Stories.” 15. Stop Criticizing and Stop Here’s how to release your divorce- Stop telling yourself: Lecturing. related anger. “I just wanted you to understand Stop telling yourself: www.divorcemag.com/articles/ what really happened.” “If I don’t criticize her, how will taming-divorce-related-anger “I did pretty good considering I was she know when she does something provoked.” wrong?”

Men’s Divorce Guide | 18 Living in the Present

Is your mind living in the past, present, or future? The present moment is the only place you have true power and choice; here are some strategies to get you back into the present moment.

By Carolyn Ellis

ivorce is a painful experience, level of acceptance of the fact that the on understanding someone else’s “why” even if it was your choice to relationship is over. doesn’t allow you to move to a deeper Dend the relationship. Being able spiritual understanding of how you co- to thrive after divorce is determined in The big question that can be so hard to created this relationship. It hinders your large part by where you live, but I’m answer is “Why?” Why did my spouse ability to mine the wisdom that your not talking about your physical address. cheat on me? Why did I fall out of love divorce has for you. Where does your mindset predominantly with my partner? Asking “Why?” can live – in the past, present, or future? Are seem like a very important question but Sometimes, people re-live the past you living in the present, the here-and- it draws your awareness back to re-eval- and play the “coulda-woulda-shoulda” now? The present moment is the only uating the past instead of noticing what game. They replay past events and place you have true power and choice. is happening for you right now. imagine how things might have been different if only they had said or done It’s very tempting to try to escape the Teacher and author Debbie Ford used to something differently. When trying to reality of your present moment. After say, “Knowing why is the booby prize.” make sense of a relationship breakdown all, you’re likely feeling hurt, guilt, The brain loves to have reasons and that seems inexplicable, people can start shame, fear or anger, or some combi- explanations. Often we use that as an to obsess about what they did wrong, nation of all of these emotions. It can excuse to distract ourselves or not make what they could have done better, and make it hard to heal from a relationship a decision about what we need to do what might have changed the outcome. breakdown when you didn’t initiate the to move forward. Knowing why is the Some people are filled with regret, break-up, or if you feel blindsided by red herring. It may be somewhat inter- thinking that if only something in the your partner’s decision to end it. Often, esting, but it is a distraction from the past hadn’t happened, their current real- partners are at different stages in their main point of the story. Staying stuck ity would be different.

Men’s Divorce Guide | 19 But the fact is, what happened did hap- 2. Empty the Trash create for yourself starts in this present pen. Until we invent time machines to People have approximately 60,000 moment.  undo the past, time and energy spent thoughts per day, of which 95% are wishing the past was different is futile. the same ones they had yesterday and This aricle originally appeared on the day before. Of those thoughts, 80% www.ThriveAfterDIvorce.com and has Another common preoccupation is to are negative ones! Instead of recycling been reprinted with permission. live in the future and play the “What these thoughts, find a way to release if…” game. The mind has a field-day them. Grab a journal or paper and write Carolyn Ellis is the Founder figuring out possible future scenarios them down. Speak them out loud to of ThriveAfterDivorce.com that have yet to actually happen. “What yourself or to another. If you notice and BrillianceMastery.com. if I don’t have enough child support?” you’re having repetitive thoughts, it’s She is an award-winning or “What if she decides she wants to likely time to empty your psychic trash coach, transformational reconcile and come back to me?” or bin. expert and author of the “What if I’m never able to truly love award-winning The 7 someone else again and end up being 3. Get Physical Pitfalls of Single Parenting and The Divorce on my own?” The brain loves questions Find some physical action you can take Resource Kit. Combining her deep intuitive and will immediately set to work at try- to break the trance of your thoughts. abilities with her Harvard-trained brain, ing to find an answer. Changing your physical position alone Carolyn specializes in helping individuals loosens the grip of the mind. Do jump- navigate change and uncertainty by tapping There is a degree to which imagining ing jacks, or put on a tune and sing into their own inner brilliance and emotional potential future scenarios can be help- along to it. Bringing some kind of phys- resilience. www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com. ful in motivating you to find the sup- icality into those moments when your port, resources, and decisiveness you thoughts are running like a hamster on a Related Articles need to move through your divorce wheel can help you feel more energized journey. However, too often people and prepared to take action. Acceptance of What Is play the “What if…” game as a way to Acceptance is the key to moving on scare themselves or avoid paying closer 4. Set a Limit after a divorce. This comes in two attention to what is happening in the Sometimes you might just find your- stages. here-and-now. self in a funk and feel unmotivated and www.divorcemag.com/articles/ unclear about your situation. Find some divorce-recovery-acceptance-of- But the future is ultimately the result patience and compassion for yourself in what-was-and-what-is of the choices you make today – in those moments and that will help to get this moment and the next and the next. you recentered. If you’re feeling like Attitude: Your Emotional Divorce Becoming obsessed in fantasizing you need to “stew” about something, and Recovery about future outcomes or getting stuck set a timer and give yourself five or ten Find out how to not get trapped in repeated thoughts about past events minutes to mull it over. Give yourself with a negative attitude, to let go of while ignoring your present reality is a to that experience fully, and when the the anger after divorce to move on recipe for delusion. timer goes off, give yourself permission to a healthy life. to let it go and move on. www.divorcemag.com/articles/ Here are some strategies to get you attitude-your-emotional-divorce- back into the present moment. 5. Make a Choice in this Moment and-recovery By developing a habit of self-reflection 1. Be Here Now and awareness, you’ll be able to make The Commitment to Move Awareness is the key to transforming conscious and empowering choices in Forward challenges into opportunities. Start to each moment. Once you get grounded Learn the differences between become aware of your thoughts. If you and centered, ask yourself, “What will I thinking about doing something notice your thoughts are wandering into choose to do now?” and actually committing to your the past or the future, stop. Get yourself plan. grounded by taking a deep breath and Keep your choices simple and action- www.divorcemag.com/articles/the- bring your focus back to this moment. able. Even if you make a decision about commitment-to-move-forward Use “Be Here Now” as a mantra. what you need to do or how you want Mindfulness practices such as yoga and to be for the next five minutes, that’s meditation or even going out for a walk better than letting yourself spin out in in nature can help cultivate greater pres- worry or anxiety for the next five hours. ent- moment awareness for you. Remember, the future you’re longing to

Men’s Divorce Guide | 20 Keep in Contact with your Ex about the Children

By Douglas C. McKee

n order for you to be considered for to you because you need to make sure Write down the date, the form of relief custody or even joint custody you that their behavior guidance is con- and the amount in the log. Never, ever Ineed to show that you are willing sistent between the two of you. You give cash. Cash payments can easily to put aside your differences with your also need to coordinate your discipline be denied because they leave no trail. ex when it comes to your children. with your ex to ensure that you are If you do not have a checking account, You must be willing to work together both enforcing the same rules. This then get a cashiers check from a bank, with regard to them. No matter what it will not only make the visitations eas- supermarket or Post Office money takes and no matter how many times ier for both of you but it will eliminate order, keeping the receipt portion for you fail, you must continue to try to any confusion on your children’s part your records. If you are using a per- work together. as to how they are supposed to behave. sonal check, make a notation on the This ensures further stability for them. check in the “memo” section that says Even if you are the only one that is “Child support January” or “Children/ willing to put your differences aside As long as the children see that their electric bill January” or something you must continue to work together at parents are working together on their similar so that you can prove that a all costs. A judge will see your will- behalf and that both of you hold similar check was issued for a specific pur- ingness to cooperate with your ex standards for them, they will feel more pose. When your ex cashes or deposits when it comes to the children. If your at ease with the new arrangement. this the cancelled check becomes your ex refuses to cooperate with you this Above everything else, your children’s receipt. If you are consistent with your will only work against her. Remember stability is your main concern and relief, your log, receipts and cancelled that your main concern is for the chil- solid communication between the two checks will prove it. And rather than dren, so lose your pride and put them of you is imperative to limit the confu- being ridiculed by your ex’s attorney first. The two of you need to meet in sion that they are most likely feeling. for financially abandoning your chil- the middle on this matter. dren, you will be seen by the judge Keeping a log of every single pay- as a concerned and honorable father. You need to speak with your ex often ment or support effort is vital to your This voluntary support impresses about the children. You need informa- case. Keep receipts of groceries that judges because many fathers fail to pay tion on their behavior when they are you may purchase, receipts from the with her. This information is important utility companies, daycare centers, etc. ../CONTINUED ON PAGE 30

Men’s Divorce Guide | 21 hy can’t Grandma come to your apartment?” Miranda Wonce asked me just before I dropped them off with my ex-in laws. “I want her to meet your cats!”

“Miranda,” I asked, “Do you know how we talked about your having a home with me and a home with Mommy?”

She nodded.

“Well, you have homes in those places as well as homes in the homes of all of your grandparents.”

She nodded again.

“Thing is…” I began, my brain only a few words ahead of my mouth, “my home is my apartment with Anne, but not mommy’s home anymore. Anne’s home is with me, but not your home The with mommy. Mommy’s home is the home you spend most of your time in, Way but she doesn’t have a home in my home like you have a home in my home and just about everyone else’s home…” Home A father’s insight helps him see I checked Miranda to see if she was any divorce through his child’s eyes. less confused than I was. By Joel Schwartzberg “Being in a home that’s not your own is…well, it feels a little weird,” I said. “Right?” I must have looked odd to passing way it marks the passports of everyone She nodded in a way that told me she motorists: an intense-looking seven- linked to it. It’s enough to know that the was simply going to drop the issue, year-old traveling by himself, carrying a road they’ve been traveling hasn’t fallen complexities digested or not. As I put guitar nearly as tall as he was. away beneath their feet. It’s merely been away my coach’s whiteboard and Venn repaved.  diagrams, I was struck by a memory. By the time I got home, my dad had During the pre-cell phone era, when I already left to pick me up from the les- This article has been edited and was just a little older than Miranda is son, and it took a few minutes for my excerpted from the book The 40-Year- now, my dad once dropped me off at mother to piece the facts together. She Old Version, Humoirs of a Divorced my guitar teacher’s house as he’d done couldn’t understand why I didn’t use a Dad (Wyatt-MacKenzie, 2009), by Joel every week for a year. He didn’t stay to neighbor’s phone. I knew the way home Schwartzberg. watch me go inside, which was a mis- from the weekly drive. I’d just never take, because the place was empty and traveled it alone before. Joel Schwartzberg is an award- locked up tight. winning essayist and screenwriter, This is how I see my kids dealing with national champion orator, public speak- I sat on the front steps for a few min- the divorce: navigating their own paths ing instructor, law school drop-out and a utes, then just picked up my guitar and home by whatever routes seem most divorced father. His essays have been pub- proceeded to walk the four or so miles familiar and comfortable. There’s no lished widely in North America. For more home. I skirted the unpaved side of the rush for them to fully grasp the collat- information, visit www.bookfordad.com. road and crossed two large intersections. eral fallout of a broken marriage, or the

Men’s Divorce Guide | 22 Popular Myths about Shared Parenting

By Jill Burrett and Michael Green

ometimes separated or divorced children need is more than geographi- without seeing their children, but it parents are keen to work out a cal. It is emotional stability — the may also mean children are constantly Sgood shared parenting arrange- stability of meaningful, continuing rela- changing over. Changeovers are often ment but are discouraged by the preju- tionships. The emotional stability that’s the hardest time, so lean toward a pat- dices of friends or professionals. We critical for a child’s healthy develop- tern that has the fewest changeovers, will unravel some common myths about ment comes not only from ongoing except for very small children. shared parenting in order to help those relationships with parents, but also from parents get past such objections. their community. The child’s world is Q: No sooner are my children settled those relationships that arise from asso- with me than they have to gear up to Myth: Kids Need to Spend Most ciations and the sense of belonging that change again. Is it better if the children of Their Time in One Home these important connections bring. stay in one place and the parents rotate?

Reality: This is an understandable Myth: Kids Need to Know A: You need a dependable communi- leftover from hopes that our marriage Where They Live and Not be cation system to assist with smooth would thrive and our kids would be in Going Back and Forth changeovers and a high degree of dedi- one happy home and an unquestioned cation and positive spirit. If they are presumption of many lawyers and coun- Reality: A clear, simple parenting plan staying in the family home where they selors. It’s a view that seriously under- plus goodwill from both parents will have been living, this may only be pos- estimates the adaptability of children quickly get children into a routine. sible for a time as the home may have and fails to appreciate what is really Breaking up a week into smaller chunks to be sold for your financial settlement. important for them. The stability that may mean that parents don’t go long Maybe you should initially consider

Men’s Divorce Guide | 23 A silver lining to the disappointment of the parents or between father and chil- dren, or to have supervised pick-ups and separating is children get the chance to develop drop-offs. This is inconsistent with

a closer relationship with parents who are research, which shows that good con- committed to shared parenting but who weren’t tact results in reduced conflict between parents. Rather than seeing hostility as very available before, and who can therefore a disincentive to shared parenting, it’s develop their parenting skills more effectively. better to view it as an indicator of need- ing a better parenting plan.

In the face of parental tensions, children two- or three-week blocks of time to strengthened by parents being available tend to align themselves with one par- allow for a proper settling-in before and doing things with and for children, ent, implying that the other parent is at the children have to uproot themselves but it’s not just this. It’s listening and fault. This is a potentially misguided again. talking empathically with your children, assumption as to what the child’s hanging out together, sharing parts of behavior means: it confuses the pic- Myth: Infants Under Three your life with them, and helping them ture for parents and their advisers, and Shouldn’t Spend Nights away learn to discover independently that cre- should not be the basis for alterations in from Mom ates bonds. the arrangement.

Reality: This view was based on out- Q: It can’t be right for our twelve- Key Messages dated theory and is contrary to recent month-old to be away from me for long research. Attachment theory tended to periods even though he knows his dad? • Myths need to be challenged and emphasize the exclusivity of the mater- realities need to be faced. nal bond and its continuity as being A: If he has had time with Dad, then • Children need two homes when they crucial to healthy development. There he will have an attachment, meaning have two separated parents. is no consistent evidence that a night he’s okay for increasingly long periods • Organize the program to suit your with their father is going to cause harm. without you in Dad’s care. Keep Dad circumstances, not vice versa. If children are well attached to the informed about established routines so • Infants require special consideration other caretaker (Dad), they should soon he can have a settled baby to bring back when making a shared parenting become used to him coming at night if to you, which will enhance your confi- arrangement. needed, for example. There is growing dence in his care. Some dads aren’t that • Shared parenting allows both par- evidence that overnight stays in infancy good with babies on their own – let his ents to be hands-on. form a meaningful basis for parent- relatives help if they’re local. • Both quality and quantity are impor- child relations. tant in parenting.  A silver lining to the disappointment of At times, Mom’s own attachment to her separating is children get the chance to This article has been child interferes with developing a suit- develop a closer relationship with par- adapted with permission able parenting arrangement. Maternal ents who are committed to shared par- from the book Shared anxiety is a very powerful protector of enting but who weren’t very available Parenting: Raising Your young infants and therefore deserves before, and who can therefore develop Children Cooperatively respect. Overnight contact with babies their parenting skills more effectively. A After Separation. Copy- and infants (approximately up to eigh- parent who appeared to contribute little right © 2009 by Jill teen months) is not crucial for cement- to family life deserves the chance to Burrett and Michael Green. Published ing parent-child bonds; daytime contact become a more involved parent. by Celestial Arts, an imprint of Ten Speed periods are the building blocks. Press, a division of the Crown Publishing Myth: Where There’s Conflict Group, Berkeley, CA. For more informa- Myth: The More Homier, Hands- between Parents, There Should tion visit www.crownpublishing.com and On Parent is Better Equipped be Little or No Contact www.tenspeed.com. for Childcare Reality: Lawyers and counselors some- Reality: Not necessarily, though this times suggest that the only solutions to parent will have confidence and experi- conflict between separated parents are: ence. Emotional bonds are created and to reduce or eliminate contact between

Men’s Divorce Guide | 24 Tips 25 for Divorced Dads

How to create special memories and strengthen your bonds with your children.

By Tommy Maloney

was fi ve years old when my parents divorced; coinci- 6 Read to one another Identally, my son was also fi ve when his mother and I Find out what they like to read and buy a few books at the split up. While going through my divorce and travelling bookstore. Read them one of your books, even if it does for work, I created the following tips from fi rsthand expe- not have pictures. rience to help divorced parents stay connected with their Tip: Go to the bookstore together. kids – and to forge a positive bond in each other’s lives. 7 Embrace their interests no matter what they are 1 Talk to your kids every day You need to get yourself out of your comfort zone and It does not matter if it is just a phone call, long or short. learn to embrace their interests – even if that means riding Kids need to hear their parents’ voices daily because it a roller-coaster. reassures them they still have a connection with you. Tip: Research their interests to be able to ask them ques- Tip: Don’t be afraid to ask them personal questions. tions – and understand the answers.

2 Send your kids postcards or letters 8 Volunteer at their school Do this even if you live in the same town. If they are just You get to see them in their environment, which can learning how to read, written notes to your kids are even sometimes be both shocking and embarrassing. I have better. Think about when you were a kid and received learned that teachers love when a parent comes to school mail and how special you felt. and lends a helping hand. Tip: Have them write to you. Tip: If you can’t volunteer at their school, find another one of their activities to become involved in. 3 Purchase a webcam for yourself and your kids This is very important if you live far away and cannot 9 Honesty IS the best policy spend time with them on a regular basis. This is most important when your kids tell you they wish Tip: Flip Cam for the kid(s). all of you were still a family. Explain to them they will always be loved and that you are still a family. 4 Tell them EVERY DAY that you LOVE them Tip: You may need to show it and say it several times. Do I really need to explain this one? Tip: Find out what makes them feel loved – then do it. 10 Create traditions together Think of things that make your time together special and 5 Make Quality vs. Quantity time with them create your own customs separate from standard holidays. You do not need to create an “event”. Just being with and Tip: What traditions did you have as a kid? talking to them is more vital than you will ever know. Tip: Make a Gingerbread house together.

Men’s Divorce Guide | 25 11 You are not the victim Kids want discipline and you need to set the example. I advise you to see a trusted counselor to help you work When they are at your place, have chores for them to do through your emotions. Do not use your kids for this! just as they do at the other parent’s house. Tip: Take control of your own healing. Tip: Kids need normalcy between the two houses.

12 Respect the rules 20 Fast food is too easy Teach them there are rules in your house just like at the Doing things such as cooking together is a great learning other parent’s house. experience for both of you. Make the fast food runs only Tip: Have your own rules, but try to respect the other on special occasions. household’s rules as well. Tip: Home cooking is less expensive and healthier, too.

13 Two words: Road Trip 21 Have sleepovers with their friends Take vacations – even if it is just a weekend in a hotel When possible, have their friends over for playdates and down the street. Kids love to be in a hotel with a pool. sleepovers. It is a special feeling for your kids to show off Tip: Try setting up a tent in the living room once in a their bedroom. while. Tip: It’s a great way to learn about their friends.

14 Understand that they will miss their mom or dad – and 22 Take the high road that that is okay If your former spouse is not being reasonable, or if you The bond between kids and their other parent may be are being hard-headed, remember it is not about win- different than the one they will have with you. Focus on ning disagreements – it’s about successful co-parenting. strengthening your bond with them and try not to compare Co-parenting is about the kids. yours with the other parent’s. Tip: You won’t regret taking the high road in the long run. Tip: Kids will naturally cycle from one parent to another. Be patient – your turn will come. 23 You need to be a positive role model Though actors, musicians, and sports stars are modern 15 Let your kids see that you are not perfect role models, the bottom line is to fill that role yourself and It is okay to admit to your kids that you try your best but be there for them. can’t be perfect. Tip: Do your best to be involved with and a positive influ- Tip: This will teach them how to handle their own ence on their lives. mistakes. 24 Don’t be hung up on dating right away after a divorce 16 Teach them the importance of being physically active Work on yourself before bringing someone new into the Encourage your kids to ride their bikes alongside you equation. Kids need to know they are your highest priority. as you run, or go biking together. Being a role model is Tip: There is someone out there for you, but just make tough, but suck it up. sure they are the right one for you and your kids. Tip: Your kids want you to be around for a long time. 25 Help make your house a home for all of you 17 Be in contact with their teachers Kids need to have some of their own “treasures” around to Try not to be a pain, but do be an involved parent. Though be comfortable at your place. you won’t always get a solid answer, ask your kids how Tip: Take the time to learn from your past mistakes so you school is going and contact their teachers for updates. don’t repeat them.  Tip: Kids need both of their parents to be involved. This article has been adapted with permission 18 Respect that your favorite sports team is not always from 25 Tips for Divorced Dads by Tommy going to be theirs Maloney © 2011. Tommy Maloney is a speaker, Heck, they might not like the same sports you do or even consultant and author. He is a member of the like sports at all! Enjoy what they do like and embrace National Speakers Association and the those things with them. Colorado Speakers Association. Tip: You can always watch your sports when they are back at the other parent’s house.

19 When you ask them to make their beds, you also need to do the same

Men’s Divorce Guide | 26 BODY WORK

Taking care of your body dur- ing and after divorce is essen- tial to your emotional, mental, and physical health.

By Diana Shepherd

our teenager has “borrowed” extra week because she got a fabulous Suddenly, you don’t feel so good: your your car – again – without per- deal on airfare to Florida and is leaving stomach is upset, your chest feels tight, Ymission, so now you can’t drive tomorrow for 10 days of sun and sand and you can feel a wicked migraine/ your daughter to Brownies, and she’s with her new boyfriend. Your savings backache/cold coming on. “This is so throwing a huge hissy fi t in the middle account is down to (low) double-digits, unfair!” you think. “My life is so diffi- of the kitchen. There’s a message on but your son says he “just has to have” cult, and now I have to deal with illness your answering machine from your ex that new pair of $150 running shoes or on top of everything else!” saying you have to take the kids for an he’ll be branded as a “loser” at school.

Men’s Divorce Guide | 27 The stress in your life has risen beyond your ability to cope with it, and your body will respond with a “breakdown” wherever it’s weakest: if you tend to catch a cold easily, you’ll come down with a cold or flu; if you have a “bad back,” it will get worse; otherwise mild allergies will become moderate to severe – you get the picture.

According to the noted Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), except for the death of a spouse or child, divorce produces more stress pioneer in the field of integrative medi- “Even though I recognize the efficacy than any other life event. If you ignore cine, you first have to identify the pay- of fear in facilitating behavioral change, or deny your feelings of stress, you’ll offs as well as the costs of a specific I feel that seeking positive reinforce- end up sick or injured (clumsiness behavior in order to change it. ment (a reward you can enjoy) is better often goes along with stress) – and than pursuing negative reinforcement then you’ll feel even more stressed For instance, let’s say you love rich, (avoidance of something you do not at having to cope with your disability high-fat foods. You know that your want to experience), because research in addition to all the other challenges father – who ate the same way you do shows that positive reinforcement you’re facing. Divorce-related stress is now – died of a heart attack at 50, and is better at maintaining new behav- unavoidable, but you can learn to man- that you have high blood pressure and ior,” writes Dr. Weil in Eight Weeks to age your stress so that it doesn’t seri- bad knees from the 40 extra pounds Optimum Health (Ballantine Books, ously damage your body and spirit. you’re carrying. Obviously, you should 2007). “If fear is your motivator, when change your eating habits. But still you fear subsides, so does motivation. Fear The only thing that’s required of you can’t quite resist a double helping of can also paralyze you, preventing you is a genuine willingness to change – fettuccine alfredo and that fourth beer. from moving at all,” he continues. everything else will grow out of your “I’ve had a rough day,” you think. commitment to health and happiness. “This will help me relax.” So the sat- So find a “rewarding” reason – one that Without that commitment, however, isfaction of eating the foods you love really inspires you – to make positive any steps you take towards better health outweighs the fear of dying of a heart lifestyle changes, and you’re just about will be severely limited in scope and attack like your father. As long as the assured of success. And if you can efficacy. Purchase a health-club mem- rewards are greater than the costs, you enroll people in supporting you to meet bership or a piece of exercise equip- won’t be able to change your eating your goals – your friends, family, or a ment, and you’ll stop using it after a habits. support group designed for your spe- month because you “just can’t find the cific needs – you’re home-free. time”; or start purchasing wholesome, Now, let’s look at another scenario. fresh ingredients to prepare nutritious You’re offered the opportunity to Managing stress meals and you’ll be back to fast food in spend a year living rent-free in a gor- a matter of days; try to quit smoking or geous beach-house in Hawaii. All you If you’re facing the challenges of divorce drinking and you’ll fall off the wagon have to do in return is to take tour- right now, it’s probably safe to say that as soon as the going gets tough. ists on snorkeling and SCUBA dive stress is your constant companion. trips – which requires a high level of Researchers at Georgetown University What’s your motivation? physical fitness. Now, it’s always been Medical Center in Washington, D.C., your dream to spend a year in Hawaii, have found that emotions can cause The secret to long-term success and you’ve always loved being in the chemical reactions in our cells. This seems to boil down to two main ele- ocean – suddenly, you’re excited about means that negative emotions (such as ments: motivation and support. Fear starting a diet and exercise regimen. fear, anger, or even fretting) can have a can sometimes be very motivating – Why? Because the cost of remain- detrimental impact on every part of your for instance, your uncle dies of lung ing fat and sedentary has now risen body – including the organs that sup- cancer and you quit smoking – but it to include missing out on your dream port your immune system. If stressful often isn’t enough to effect perma- year abroad – and just like that, the thoughts and feelings can actually dam- nent change. According to Dr. Andrew rewards of overindulging in rich foods age your physical health, you can see Weil, a world-renowned leader and are no longer greater than the costs. why managing stress properly – and

Men’s Divorce Guide | 28 taking better care of your body – is so examine your throat, mouth, cheeks, and a milkshake? An apple? A piece of vital at this stage of your life. eyes, forehead, and scalp. Notice any cheesecake? A spinach salad? tension, exaggerate then release it. So how do you relax and de-stress? If Recognize that every body is different you’re like most people, what leaps The benefits of this exercise are two- – what suits your best friend’s body immediately to mind are “treat” behav- fold: first, you’ll discover where you might be anathema to yours, so find- iors: smoking, drinking, taking drugs hold stress in your body; and two, ing the ideal diet for you will be a case (prescription or “recreational”), eating you’ll give your body a break by of trial and error. a carton of chocolate ice-cream – what- releasing tense areas. ever gives you feelings of pleasure and Here are some suggestions on well-being, no matter how transitory. Food for thought using food to improve your Unfortunately, all of these are band- mood: aid solutions – they temporarily ame- At its most basic level, food is fuel liorate some of the symptoms without for the body. Whether you’re in train- • Cut back on caffeine, including addressing the root of the problem – ing for the Boston Marathon, some- coffee, tea, cola, and chocolate. and none of them contribute to health one who goes for daily brisk walks, Women take note: caffeine has been and vitality. a skinny couch potato, or a chubby found to play a huge role in PMS, couch potato, the food you eat has a from breast pain to mood swings. Scanning for tension lot to do with your mood, energy lev- For some people, one cup a day is els, stamina, and ability to fend off too much; you’ll need to experi- A good place to start an effective stress- disease. Your diet has a lot to do with ment to determine your threshold. reduction program is to find out where the way you live your life – and how you hold stress in your body. The first long that life is going to last. Even if • Drink pure water. Ideally, you time you try the following exercise, you you look slender on the outside, your should be drinking about two liters should probably be lying down with your diet could be setting you up for a of filtered water every day. This is eyes closed. Take the phone off the hook, whole host of medical problems: from one of the simplest, and yet most and tell your kids or housemates that you indigestion to clogged arteries to can- vital, steps you can take to improve don’t want to be disturbed for at least cer. Your food choices can put you on your health. half an hour. In this exercise, you’ll be the road to wellness and vitality, or scanning your body from the tips of your chronic fatigue and disease. • Go low-fat. Aside from improving toes to the top of your head, looking for your general health, some stud- places where you hold tension then con- The first thing you need to do for ies suggest that a low-fat diet may sciously letting that tension go. yourself is get a little education about help stabilize your mood. Some nutrition in general, and your nutri- easy ways to reduce your fat intake Focus your attention exclusively on one tional needs in particular. Visit your include avoiding fried foods, choos- part of your body at a time, starting with family doctor; ask for a referral to a ing leaner cuts of meat, and remov- your feet. Wiggle your toes. Rotate your nutritionist; go to a health spa; read a ing the skin from poultry before ankles, and flex your feet so your toes great book on the subject. Discuss pos- cooking it. Increase your consump- are pointing up towards the ceiling, then sible nutritional plans with your doc- tion of fresh fruits, vegetables, and down and away from you. Is there any tor to make sure they won’t exacerbate products made from whole grains tension in your feet or lower legs? If so, existing health problems, and exercise (your body will thank you for the intentionally increase the tension for a some common-sense when choosing a extra fiber, too). few seconds, then exhale deeply and new diet regimen: steer clear of any- relax that part of your body, imagining thing that promises miraculous results • Take your vitamins. A deficiency the tension flowing out of you with your in days, or advises you to eat from in B vitamins – particularly thia- breath. Move your attention upwards only a single food group (e.g., grape- min, riboflavin, folate (the natu- to your thighs, buttocks, and hips. Flex fruit three times a day). rally occurring form of folic acid), each muscle in turn, checking for tension and B6 – can exacerbate depres- and discomfort, then let it go with a deep And then – and this is key – listen to sion. Taking vitamin C is probably exhalation. Repeat for your stomach, what your body is telling you about a good idea, too. It boosts your chest, and shoulders. Pull your shoulders the food you’re putting in your mouth. immune system, which probably up towards your ears, hold them there How you feel after eating certain isn’t in tip-top shape right now. tightly for a few seconds, then drop foods: happy and energetic, or grumpy them down as far as they will com- and tired? How do you feel after eat- • Butt out. Aside from increas- fortably go while you exhale. Now ing a double cheeseburger, large fries, ing your risk of lung cancer and

Men’s Divorce Guide | 29 heart disease, smoking triggers the (Also, you’ve probably heard of the CHILDREN / CONT’D FROM PAGE 21 release of stress hormones in the therapeutic side-effects of pet owner- body. ship: that stroking an animal lowers anything until it is ordered. your blood pressure and decreases • Avoid sugar. They’ll give you a tension.) If owning a dog is out of the The log is a must. I was fortunate short-term boost but a long-term question, you could always “borrow” enough to keep one of my own. My big crash. one: your neighbor would probably be mistake was that sometimes I gave my thrilled if you offered to take her dog ex cash. When we went to court for the Exercise your options for a daily walk in the park. emergency hearing, my ex’s attorney questioned her on the stand and she Adopting a nutritional program that Walking can also help you sleep better stated that I had given her very little in suits your individual metabolism and at night – good news for those suffer- the way of financial support since the caloric requirements can clear up a ing from divorce-related insomnia. In day I had left the house. Her attorney lot of physical ailments. But if you a study involving more than 700 men used the phrase that “support payments really want to look and feel great – and and women, researchers discovered had been very small and inconsistent at help minimize the negative effects of that people who walked at least six best.” During his cross examination, my divorce-related stress on your body – blocks a day at a normal pace expe- attorney was able to enter into evidence you need to do more than just eat right. rienced fewer sleep-related problems my log which showed every single You need to exercise. such as nightmares, or trouble getting cash payment and every single check to or staying asleep; in fact, they were that I had issued her for the past year. What’s the best form of exercise? The one-third less likely to have trouble The log, coupled with her bank state- one you’ll do. The best exercise equip- sleeping until their wake-up time ments that showed deposits of checks ment in the world won’t do you a bit of than people who didn’t walk at all. and cash that coincided (within a day good if you can’t bring yourself to use And those who walked the same dis- or two) with my entries in the log, pro- it more than once a month. tance at an aerobic pace were 50% less vided proof that I had, in fact, paid sup- likely to suffer sleep problems than port since day one. Despite the fact that If you’ve been sedentary for the last non-walkers. the first judge allowed her to relocate to few years, you must see your physi- the East Coast, she did make a point of cian before you start to exercise. If Seeing results commending me for making these vol- you haven’t had a full physical exami- untary payments when so many fathers nation in the last year, now’s a great If you invest the time, energy, and fail to do so. time to have one. Please be aware that commitment into caring for your body pushing your body too hard too fast is properly, it will repay you generously. The bottom line here is: pay the support a recipe for disaster – at the very least, But as an impatient North American, for your children because they deserve you’ll probably sprain or tear a muscle; you’re probably wondering when the it and keep a log of it to use in court at worst, you’ll have a heart attack. rewards will start to show up. because you will need it. 

Unless your doctor vetoes the idea, a “Both from observing the effects of This excerpt from A good place to start is by taking daily natural therapies and from watching Father’s Journey To walks, slowly increasing the speed, people try to make lasting changes in Custody by Douglas C. distance, and duration. If you can’t how they live, I have concluded that McKee is re-printed in stand the idea of walking “aimlessly,” two months ... is the critical time for DivorceMag.com with give yourself errands to accomplish on you see effects of therapeutic regimens permission. your walks: instead of driving, walk as well as to replace old habits with to the bank/post office/milk store. new,” says Dr. Weil. “If you can fol- Douglas C. McKee, a father of Arrange to go for walks in scenic areas low a program of healthy living for two five children; two of whom he was with friends so you can enjoy their months, you will have made the com- awarded primary physical custody company as well as the surroundings mitment of time and energy necessary of from a previous marriage, knows while you walk. for it to work.” first hand the heartache of a divorce that involves children and the benefits If your lifestyle can accommodate it, The information in this article is of maintaining ongoing contact with consider getting a dog: you’re guar- for information-purposes only. Do them during this rough time. anteed daily exercise, and it’s nice to not begin any diet or exercise regi- come home to a happy, enthusiastic men without checking with your doctor welcome instead of an empty house. first. 

Men’s Divorce Guide | 30 More Helpful Information Available @ www.DivorceMagazine.com www.DivorceMagazine.com offers thousands of articles and FAQs answered by divorce professionals. Here’s a sample of some of the great content available to you 24/7.

FAQs about Divorce Divorce and Annulment Working with a Divorce www.divorcemag.com/faqs www.divorcemag.com/divorce-and- Lawyer annulment www.divorcemag.com/family-lawyers • FAQs answered by divorce lawyers, divorce fi nancial analysts, mediators, • 8 questions you need to ask • How to select a divorce lawyer accountants, etc. • What you need to know before creat- • How to get the best results working ing a settlement agreement with your lawyer Coping with Divorce • Cover your liabilities and assets www.divorcemag.com/coping-with-divorce Health & Well-being Financial Issues www.divorcemag.com/health-and-well- • Breaking free from guilt www.divorcemag.com/financial-issues being • From panic to peace • The four divorces • How much does a divorce cost? • Anger Management • Debt and divorce • Beating stress Preparing for Divorce • Creating your new life www.divorcemag.com/preparing-for- Divorce Recovery divorce www.divorcemag.com/divorce-recovery Relationships and Dating www.divorcemag.com/relationships-and- • Top 10 tips to make it easier • The power of forgiveness dating • Create a separation agreement • Befriending your ex • The divorce process in detail • Moving through your anger • Dating after divorce • Making remarriage work Divorce and Family Law Child and Spousal Support • Inspirational quotes www.divorcemag.com/divorce-law-and- www.divorcemag.com/alimony-and-child- family-law support Divorce and Marriage Statistics • Common questions • Tips on custody disputes www.divorcemag.com/divorce-statistics • Grounds for divorce • Child support • The phases of a divorce trial • Do not compete with your ex • US, Canadian, and world divorce and marriage rates Child Custody Mediation www.divorcemag.com/child-custody www.divorcemag.com/divorce-and- For more information about children’s mediation issues during separation and divorce, • The 50/50 child access debate visit www.DivorceMag.com. • Preparing for a custody trial • Mediation vs trial • Shared custody: a growing trend • Preparing for mediation

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side from getti ng expert advice, there are ti mes you may want to connect Awith real people who are going through or recently fi nalized their own divorce. You can vent, ask questi ons, get support, share your thoughts, insights, and tips, or even inspire others through your own divorce story. If this sounds like you, join the Divorce Magazine Community online, where you can connect with divorcing people 24/7 through the following:

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Men’s Divorce Guide | 32