EXCLUSIVE: THE INTERVIEWS

Face/Off Tickets T-Shirts to win London Students Out on the Street Students from Imperial College signify the extra £1000 per year placed un upper limit on baloon were involved in a demonstration that would be imposed upon stu- release of one thousand. The last weekend, following the dents by the introduction of tuition march then proceeded slowly Government's proposal that fees. However, the authorities had through central London to Trafalgar future students will have to Square, drawing attention from contribute towards the cost of both tourists and locals alike. their university education. The demonstration was also The rally, on Saturday attended by a delegation from 1 November, was organised by the Socialist Worker, who adver- the University of London Union tised a similar protest next (ULU) and the National Union month, and various flyers were of Students (NUS). Despite the handed out advertising marches apparent lack of publicity, all over the country. Many fac- around thirty students from IC tions of the NUS were evident, met in Beit Quad and subse- H with some flyers calling for "fresh quently attended the event, II leadership in the NUS". President including IC Union President of the NUS, Douglas Trainer has Eric Allsop, who caught up with ||| been accused of "jumping ito the body of the march at a rally bed" with Labour politicians in Hyde Park. rather than taking action against The assembly was enter- fees. He was not in attendance. tained by a budding comedian Despite hopes of ten thou- from Royal Holloway and sand people attending, it is esti- Bedford College, before the mated that only about four thou- release of nine hundred and The ghost of free education looms over sand people were present on the ninety-nine black balloons. It the ICU Presidential candidates at the day. was intended that these should rally last weekend. Photo: Lili Tcheang All Campbell

THIS WEEK'S NEWS

VPS UNDER THE SPOTLIGHT The new heads of Imperial College School of Medicine face questioning from students. page two

FUNDING BLOW TO The UNIVERSITIES The Government's new tuition Students' fees scheme is causing large Newspaper drops in applications, meaning less cash for universities. at Imperial page two College HUSTINGS PASS - BUT DO YOU CARE! Hustings for sabbatical candi- Issue dates took place this week, but turnout continues to fall. 1 097 page five

7 HALLOWEEN PHOTO November Be afraid. page three 1997 The rally on it's way to Trafalgar Square NEWS 7 November 1997 VPs in the Spotlight

Students of ICSM had their first apply for positions at Mary's for the school was also discussed. ond year clinicals from St Mary's chance to put forward their views next few years. Students were informed that the that they would not be given a to the new ruling elite of the med- It was established during the college did not object to the med- room in hall when they become ical school hierarchy during the question time that most people ical school having their own logo so finalists next year, especially when Vice-Principals Question Time last thought it fair to have separate long as it was not in the form of a they return from their electives. Monday. The session took place at graduation ceremonies for the shield, as this would turn it into a Many of the penultimate-year stu- St Mary's Hospital and was chaired MBBS and BSc graduates. One sug- coat of arms - heraldic regulations dents present believed that they by Professor Michael Whitehouse, gestion was to graduate qualified only permit Imperial College to had been guaranteed final year Vice-Principal for Under- accommodation when graduate Studies. Also in they enrolled. However, attendance were Dr Malcom Professor Shaw claimed Green, Vice-Principal for that they had only been Postgraduate Studies, promised 'priority'. No Professor Rory Shaw, Director one present was able to of Medical Education Unit, clarify whether postgrad- and the Deputy Secretary of uates from other disci- ICSM. Notable for his absence plines would be given pri- was Dean Professor John ority over final year Caldwell, who was away in medics in Wilson House. Japan. Overall, no firm com- One of the principal con- mitments were made by cerns of the medical students the Vice-Principals. This present was the availability of was in considerable con- house jobs for inalists under trast to last year's session the matching scheme. where many promises Compared to St Mary's, the From left to right: Dr Malcom Green (VP for Postgraduate Studies), Prof Rory Shaw' were made, and are not former Charing Cross and (Director of Medical Education Unit), Prof Michael Whitehouse (VP for likely to be kept. Westminster Medical School Undergraduate Studies), Katie Armstrong (President of ICSMU) and the Deputy A suggestion to hold provides fewer pre-registration Secretary of ICSM. Photo: Xavier question times every term house jobs. This has led clinical met with strong support, students from St Mary's to worry doctors of medicine with post- hold one coat of arms. and the next session is expected to that competition for such posts graduates from the South Shortage of accommodation in take place over at the Charing would intensify in the foreseeable Kensington campus (MSc and South Kensington this year resulted Cross campus before Christmas. future. In response to this, Dr PhD), who currently have their own in some of the non-medical fresh- Kent Yip Green assured them only Mary's ceremony in the spring. ers being housed in Paddington. graduates would be eligible to The badge of the new medical This has led to worries among sec- Don't just r

FELIX HAIRSALON 15a Harrington Road South Kensington London SW7 3ES (1 Minute walk from South Kensington Tube)

News Meetings 12.30pm Fridays and Ipm Tuesdays in the CUT & BLOW DRY Felix Office. BY OUR TOP STYLISTS £15 LADIES £13 MEN An Apology Normal Price £30

Last week we published a graph College Annual Financial showing the annual surplus/loss of Statements, it has been pointed the trading account of the out that they do not give a fair rep- Conference Centre. The figure for resentation of the performance of the year 1996-97 was incorrect. the Conference Office as they are This was due to us confusing the interlinked with the catering and budget (-£59,000) with the actual residence accounts. For more figure (£38,000 surplus). Apologies information, please see the letter for this error. from Mike Hansen, Director of Telephone 0171 823 8968 Although these figures were Finance on page seven taken directly from the Imperial ACCESS VISA MASTERCARD CASH CHEQUES 7 November 1997 NEWS Briefly... Applications fall

Imperial seems to have been "quite normal", adding that the year after a year out came to uni- MECH ENG sheltered so far from a drop in applications last year were up by versity without taking a gap year in applications that has left UCAS 3.9%. He also commented that order to miss the fees. However, SPRINGS A LEAK recipts down by 16%. The fall is there seemed to be a systems fail- confusion still surrounds their intro- being blamed on the government's ure at UCAS over the last week, duction, with some suggesting that Last Friday water could be seen introduction of £ I OOO-per-year that had left applications numbers the fees will apply to all in universi- pouring down on to the main tuition fees for students starting seem "very low". ty, regardless of the degree start walkway as a pipe in the mechan- their courses next autumn. The majority of early applica- date. ical engineering building burst. There were 5570 applications tions have been for Oxford and Imperial College is officially not Between noon and one pm a to undergraduate courses at IC Cambridge candidates, and it is in favour of fees, but any fee intro- considerable amount of water after three weeks of the UCAS sys- reported that the applications for duction would be across the board. cascaded from the building caus- tem being open. This is down 5.6% Oxbridge (which have now closed) Mr Atkins added that Imperial ing some concern. Security was from the same period last year, are down by 9%. is more interested in the standard alerted and after investigation the when there were 5899. The 'home' There are various theories over of applications than the number, culprit was found to be a burst student applications, which come why the applications numbers are and that "the academic quality of steam pipe on the fifth floor. It from the group affected by the fee down. One is that potential stu- the students applying to the col- was found that the pipe cracked introduction, were down 7.9% from dents are being put off by fees, and lege is as high as ever." due to the strain put on it when last year. so are choosing not to go to uni- Matthew Bennett the central heating system was David Atkins, Senior Assistant versity for fear of running up huge switched on. An electrician was Registrar (Admissions) said that he debts. Another is that many stu- called in to examine the area to thought this sort of fluctuation was dents who would have applied this prevent a potentially hazard situ- ation evolving. Very little damage was caused by the leakage as the Dohii water only seemed to mainly run through the outer shell of the ICU Council is not on the 4 November at all - It's on the 18 November at 6pm in the RehOldsii: building. Building, Charing Cross Campus, Fulham Road. The advent of winter has caused similar incidents such as Some. n - PG Group Chair, two I st year ordinary members and two ordi- these around the college. nary members to the Retail and Service's Committee. Tony Of on Evei jKUtff IfHOTrome to attend and get involved - have your say on how your union is run. budding

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The future's bright. The future's Orange. 7 November 1997 NEWS Sabbatical Hustings Not So Hot

Attendance was poor for the sab- flowed freely and all involved were continued funding for all clubs, but Mr Baker disagreed, and was batical hustings on the South forced to sink pints as fast as pos- the two presidential candidates scathing in his opinion of the Kensington site on Monday, with sible. Whether the ability to drink less optimistic. Mr Joynt also Dearing Report, adding 'You could only around forty students pre- quickly has any bearing on a candi- showed some ignorance of current have come up with it over a couple sent to quiz the candidates. The dates suitability to perform the job funding sources, and had not heard of bottles of red wine at a middle candidates stuck closely to their has yet to be assertained. of the Astroturf Fund1. class dinner party." manifestos when making their The medical clubs and societies A great deal excitement was As the effects of the alcohol set speeches, and none managed to were once again the hot subject, generated by the issue of the in, candidates had to shout over squeeze them into the strict time with Charlie Joynt (candidate for mountain hut formerly owned by the noise and personal questions limit. Questioning was dominated Deputy President (C&S)) pledging the St. Mary's Mountaineering Club. were not thin on the ground. by the medical stu- ^w Andrew Heeps dents present, the was asked on-going mergers whether he could being the main sub- be trusted seeing ject. Doubts were that "he bears raised over the fund- more that a pass- ing available for the ing resemblance to medical school clubs [Dean] John as they move under Caldwell", and the ICU umbrella. Mark Baker was Other concerns asked if he included accommo- thought that "body dation pressures and odour was an social space in the essential part of college. the job." The can- Greater entertain- didates them- ment was provided by selves were not the session at Gladys' immune from at the St Mary's cam- bloopers; Mr pus. Although there Left to Right: Andy Heeps (candidate for ICU President), Charlie Joynt (candidate for Deputy Bakers answered a was none of the usual President (C&S)), Mark Baker (candidate for ICU President). Insets show the respective pro- accusation of flan and baked-bean posers suffering the traditional fate of the Mary's hustings. Photos: Lili, Xavier and Jeremybein g a 'yes-man' throwing antics, lager by saying "I'm not sure who the yes- Mark Baker believed in continued man here is. Yes.", and Mr Heeps HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS HAIR NEWS priority for medical students, but generated hilarity by mixing his Andrew Heeps thought it should be metaphors; "It's like the donkey and fully shared with all clubs. the carrot", he said. Both presidential candidates Voting takes place on Monday HAIRCUT objected to tuition fees, though Mr and Tuesday in all departments and Heeps was less concerned about a campuses. You need a union card graduate tax, saying "As a gradu- to vote (get one from the Union ate... you should have to pay for Office) and if you don't bother, we'll £8.00 what you have had", adding "I'm not come around and piss in your convinced that rallies do any good." shoes. Jeremy Thomson UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX UNISEX INCLUDES:

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TEL: 0171 937 6413 Katie Armstrong (President of ICSM) and Nick Carter (Vice President 3 minutes from High St. Kensington & Notting Hill Gate of ICSM) are also forced to down the bubbly punishment while Eric Allsop (currently ICU President) looks on. Photo: Lili Tcheang fe? 6 LETTERS 7 November 1997 Letters to Felix...

OKAY SO WE yourself in future! improve the standards for the sake Susannah Parry of the sanity of all students within FORGOT TO College.... otherwise we'll have nothing to do during morning lec- PROOF A REVIEW Dear Felix, tures on a Friday. 1 feel that it is about time Robert Emerson Dear Felix, someone addressed the issue of I am, like many others, I think, the standard of Felix (or lack there- a regular reader of Felix, especially of). This year, Felix has began an LOAD OF BALLS since last year when Alex Feakes intellectually terminal descent into made a splendid job of the whole what seems to be a bottomless pit This is about Jon Trout's article thing. An equally large number of of drivel. The "news" articles and "The Two jonnies" people, however, enjoy denigrating features are increasingly sub-stan- I wanted to thank Felix on part our illustrious newspaper; strange- dard and littered with spelling mis- of Third World First for publishing ly - perhaps someone could takes (computer programs known Jon Trout's article "The Two FELIX explain this to me some time - as spell checkers do actually Jonnies". This article raised issues these never seem to be people exist!). Try reading Matt Williams' which are very seldom heard of at who feel any inclination to con- recent article from the perspective 1C, such as world poverty and the Issue 1097 tribute to it. Still, there is nothing of a foreign student. It seems as damage done by TNCs (Trans wrong with honest criticism: I think though Felix is being created by National Companies). as with all newspapers there is people who have neither the time Nevertheless I found (like a few 7 November 1997 bound to be some interesting stuff, or talent to do it properly. As one others) that Jon Trout used this some less enthralling, some well- of my friends described the lastest article more as a platform for his www.su.lc.ac.uk/Felix written, some less well. issue (Felix #1096); "The Sport but immense ego (e.g: "The two Forgive me if 1 have taken too without the tits." 1 think that just Jonnies") and failed to really give Felix. Beit Quad. Piince Consort long getting to the point of my let- about sums it up. Is there such a credit where credit was due (which Road. London, SW7 2BB. ter, which concerns the theatre real lack of news stories around is bad journalism). Johnny Ball was Internal tei. 58072. fax: 48072. review of issue 1096 (p.21). May I College that it necessitates the invited by Third World First to give Externa! tel *. fax: 0171 594 8072. offer you my heartfelt thanks for inclusion of such (albeit lightheart- a lecture (not just a "meeting") on Urgent out-of-hours internal: the amusement this article afford- ed) shite as the "Naan-Bread-O- Oxfam. From Jon Trout's article you - i.'j : - /' SJC?: ed me. (It is second only to the Meter?" Or are you simply waiting could just about think that he invit- Email: [email protected] staggering "Letter from Across the for people who "have some news" ed Johnny Ball himself to have a Atlantic" of 3 Oct.) This case surely to phone you, as requested on the pint! It might seem that we are try- Felix is produced for and on behalf deserves a prize for its sixteen, yes front cover (of issue #1096)? 1 ing to get into the limelight of of Imperial College Union sixteen, misprints (three of which shudder to think that Felix is man- Johnny Ball, but all I would have Publication Board. in the same sentence) - higher bid- aging to break last years standards asked was for a little recognition, ders?. I was at a loss that someone of mediocrity. Even Simon Baker such as mentioning that TWF Felix is a registered newspaper could find a play "extremely flinny was unusually tame; his reactionary organises such talks on a regular ISSN 1040 - 071 I [sic]" (on three occasions), refer to rhetoric is one of the few things basis (every two weeks minimum), "seeraingly [sic] endless situations", that does spice up Felix (even if I and perhaps a contact address? Copyright 5; Felix 1997. Photo- and talk quite casually of "grateflil do agree with it personally). Need 1 The whole idea of inviting graphic copyrights remain with [sic] respite". I would never have also mention the infamous book- Johnny Ball was to get people inter- photographers. thought such slips of the pen (I use store incident? Obviously, that was ested in Third World issues, who the expression tentatively) even such a minor story it was neglected normally wouldn't have been, but Printed at the Imperial College remotely possible. from Felix until the College had were allured by the prospect of : ad, Mr. Matt Williams, or whoever made a decision on the matter, seeing their childhood hero first Prince Consort Road. London. leaving all students to simply : the typist was, thank you, whoever hand! Anyway, we are still very svv : : . 071. accept what had happened. you are. grateful that Jon Trout wrote this Fmail pnnrunu'-.it ..i uk Yours quite sincerely However, despite this (somewhat article. Maybe if we get Zoe to major) oversight, the previous Felix Iannis Deschamps (Chem3) come down next time Jon Trout will " : : its: team seemed to have at least PS. Steady with the caffeine, lads. give us more cred! Editor: |eremy Thomson established standards which you Fred (CivEng3) ; --.v?.r. are not upholding, or are even D'v.. .. aware of. Dear editor PS: Here's some random info: . "' :'..:;ofs: I have just finished reading the Now, you may well level the contact address: . theatre review for Closer at the disclaimer, "if you don't like it, then [email protected] Film Editor: Chris Hickey National Theatre written by Matt piss off and do it yourself," at me. [email protected] :-:.s Z?:-:-:.-_: . . - Williams. 1 lost count of the spelling This is all well and good, but I have Meetings: Thursday, 6.00 PM Features Editor: Jon Trout and punctuation errors in his never claimed that 1 could run Felix Southside Lounge (with Amnesty - review once they reached double unlike yourselves, who abviously and Environmental soc) Games £c i Lee figures. May I suggest that "Closer" think you can (otherwise why are Tuesdays, lunchtime at the Fair Right-hand man: Mark Baker proof reading is encouraged by you on the Felix team?). Please trade Stall inside the Union, (unof- Collators, the unsung heros: ficial) Alt Campbell Mark Baker Deadline for letters is 6pm Tuesday. Letters may be edited for Talks are usually on Wednesday &.'"Dave Elliott length, but will not be altered or corrected in any other way. lunchtimes (check out the posters). Letters may be signed or anonymous, but please show your swipe www.su. ic.ac.uk/clubsocs/scc/twf/ card when submitting them. Cheers 7 November 1997 EVEN MORE LETTERS 7

DEMONSTRATE MOANING OL' GIT rooms rather than ones they nicked subject. out of catering's ovens. Your first point is Dear Felix, Dear Mr. E.Felix, P.A. Hickman (chem 3) easy to answer - Felix is I'd like to say a big thankyou to I have had enough. I can't toler- the only cross-college everyone from IC who attended ate it anymore. Something had to newspaper. the NUS demonstration against the be said. Here goes: WHOSE FELIX IS IT The second point is more introduction of tuition fees. This In my first year, I was a conifer. complex. In many universities, demonstration, supported by iCU's Being like all the other conifers in ANYWAY? the newspaper is directly Labour Club, marks the start of a the forest of IC, I went to dB's on a accountable to the union and large campaign which 1 urge all 1C Wednesday and friday night quite Dear Jeremy, often the college. The editor may students to get involved in. For often. Now I am an fully grown On the front cover of Felix this print only what they see fit, and those who missed the demonstra- larch in the second year, and have year you're describing it as "The is often a Union Officer them- tion, don't worry - the Campaign returned a couple of times. Students' Newspaper at Imperial selves. I want to stress that Felix for Free Education has called a Unfortunately things have not College". I'm writing to say that I'm is not controlled by the Union or national demonstration for the 26 moved on. The crux of the problem not really happy with this descrip- the College, but by the students - November. I hope there will be an is that the Dj's in dB's ALWAYS play tion, for two reasons: hence "The Students' News- equally good turnout from the same music. PLEASE, PLEASE 1. By saying "The Students' paper" (notice the position of the Imperial! can they change - become up to Newspaper" it sounds like you're apostrophy). It is true that Yours, George Constantinides date, more real dance music. LESS implying there is only one student around half our funding comes Pulp - Disco 2000 et al. Can they newspaper at IC. This isn't the from the Union, but we could Dear Felix please grow up, enter the real case. There are of course all the hardly call Felix "The Students' As ICU students may or may world, and play something differ- CCU productions. Whatever your Newspaper of Imperial College not know, there was a demonstra- ent. opinion of them (and some of Union, JP Morgan, British tion in London on Saturday the 1 st I'm not the only one with the them are vastly superior to others), Aerospace, SBC Warburg..." I November against the problem, most people are fed up they are newspapers produced don't really care where the Government's imposition of tuition with it too. I think that it is indica- for and by the students of Imperial money comes from - it's the con- fees. All of the ICU officers were tive of the 'regime' in the Union College. [This is the hacky and/or tents that are important. Your invited to go at the ICU Council, Ents. dept. They always seem too pretentious argument. My real con- last point, though, is spot on. and some of them did. eager to accept complacancy. cern follows below] Ed However, only about thirty Where's their imagination? Where's 2. By saying "The Students' people overall went from IC. The the flair? Newspaper AT Imperial College" 1CU delegation was therefore out- Please can they do something you're not making it clear where OOPS... numbered by SOAS, SSEES, Kent, different to what has been done the funding for the paper comes not to mention LSE, UCL, King's before. Nothing too groundbreak- from. I'm sure many people will Dear Felix, etc. This is good empirical evi- ing, don't worry, just a change to take that as meaning IC directly 1 am afraid that you have been dence for the "Imperial College of the tedium. I hope the right people fund the paper, which is not the significantly mislead by the Science, Apathy and Con- are reading this. case as far as I know - it says inside College's published Financial formation" theory. Good Luck, Felix that it is "produced for and on Statements. The graph you showed Although not all of the Imperial Dave Edwards. behalf of Imperial College Union last week which showed a loss of delegation stayed to see the whole Publications Board". Now that all £79,000 by Conferences for event, those who did thought was Dear Mr. Jeremy, the clubs and societies are being 1995/96 does not reflect the real a good start to what will hopefully I wish to register a complaint. forced to (quite rightly) state that value that is created by the be a successful campaign. Y O Y R the onion selling their cur- they are clubs of Imperial College Conference Office as most of the Yours Sincerely ries at £1.10? UNION, I don't feel it's right that operating surplus falls into the L ] P Kilford, JMC2 "The infamous £1.10 curries" the main publicity item produced accounts of the Residences and Jessica Smith CE1 Doesn't quite have the same ring to by the Union doesn't. I know Felix Catering operations.Your estimate Sam Moore ME 1 it, does it? [See how it glows, rest- is free of Union control in that for 1996/97 is wrong, on the same ing in the bowl] you're allowed to say "The Union is basis it would be £38,000 positive. Are they going change them shit" if it is, but it is still funded and For the year to 31 July '97, the net ACCOUNTS ARE back to £1 curries like in the ol' housed by the Union and this income after all costs, for confer- days, or do I have to shut up? should be made clear. ence activities exceeded AN OPEN BOOK Dave Edwards I apologise to anyone reading £750,000. This contribution has (Moaning ol' git) this who thinks I'm a sad old hack more than doubled in the last two Dear Felix, who needs to be shot. I just feel years and is being ploughed back I was most distressed to read that we (the Union) needs to make into the fabric of the College, in this weeks Issue (No. 1096) that ENERGY clear what we own. Stating our including the refurb of Evelyn Simon Baker's perception that the ownership and our committment Gardens and new furniture for the Union finances were secretive and CONSERVATION?? to the provision of a sen/ice may JCR . I am aware that the presen- unavailable to the light of public stop us from losing that service. tation of the accounts in this man- inspection. ICU has copies of the I would just like to ask those in We don't have another bookstore, ner is most unhelpful but we are audited accounts available for any sherfield who think they are on an and we can't afford to lose anything constrained in our accounting member to come and read and energy efficiency drive why chem- else. College is very unlikely to ever treatment by the Funding Council myself or the finance manager will istry lecture theatre C has been try to shut down Felix, but the prin- so to avoid such misunderstand- answer any questions about the consistently heated to gas mark 6 ciple still applies. ings in the future, we are omitting accounts. It is a legal requirement since the beginning of term. It can't Yours sincerely, the relevant page from the forth- for ICU to provide this information be the most energy efficient for Helen-Louise Windsor coming Financial Statements. to any student who asks and I am people to be sat in a lecture, with Physics PG Nothing sinister in this honest. more that willing to do so. I have the windows open, wearing only Best wishes enclosed a copy of the Union shorts and a T-shirt and still feel Mike Hansen financial statements for the year like you've been bannished to the Dear Helen, Director of Finance ended 31st July 1997. center of a desert during a heat I spent a lot of time over the Yours sincerely wave. My advise to them would be summer considering this byline Rob Clark (DP F&6) to fit thermostats designed for and I'm glad you brought up the 8 NOTICES AND EDITORIAL 7 November 1997

Circuit Training With Athletics. Editorial I 1 It may seem like poor show, but herculean waiting time was fol- Registry Union Gym this week I'm subcontracting out lowed by a two minute consulta- to a guest editor. The resons will tion which led to the conclusion Monday 5-6pm become clear. Take it away... that the Doctor had no idea what Notice was wrong with me at all. The solu- It's a sad fact that people are more tion? Not to worry about it, and likely to complain than actually do come back another day - although STUDENTS WHO WISH TO something. This week that's been this time I have an appointment. EXERCISE THEIR RIGHT demonstrated by the number of UNDER THE EDUCATION ACT Exploration complaints about Felix. "It's not as Indicentally, did you know that 1 994 FORMALLY TO OPT Board good as last year..." people whine. Mark Baker was recently arrested Actually, the first issues last year and held in a Police cell, presum- OUT OF ICU AND CCU Students planning expe- were shite. 1 know, I was there. The ably for being so drunk, although MEMBERSHIP, MAY NOW VISIT ditions for next summer job of a Felix editor is not an easy he can't remember why he was THEIR LOCAL REGISTRY TO (or desirable) one. Until a few more arrested. Which probably confirms should note that the people get off their bottoms and RECORD THEIR DECISION. our presumtion. Exploration Board meets come into Felix to help proof, In the interests of fair play and STUDENTS ARE ADVISED on Wednesday 3 write, and otherwise create our unbaised election reporting, it's THAT THE ONLY PRACTICAL December 1997. jolly newspaper, we'll all have to only right to point out that Andy suffer the occasional mistake. EFFECT OF OPTING OUT WILL Exploration leaders are Heeps led the Scout delegation to BE THAT THEY CANNOT the British Youth Parliament, which welcome to discuss their Not wishing to add to the gen- is a fact that somehow seems to STAND FOR ELECTED OFFICE ideas in advance of the eral College-bashing that seems to have been missed from his mani- OR TAKE PART IN UNION meeting with the be going on at the moment, but I'd festo... ELECTIONS AND REFERENDA. Board's Chairman, just like to make a slight complaint, Oh, and New Election is a right about the Health Centre. It does old pile of poo. I mean, do we real- I I Professor Bob Schroter indeed have a lovely new home, ly want a Union at all? Why the hell (extension 45175) or and its far more pleasant to wait in. do people keep voting for another Imperial College Union with the Secretary, Nigel The reception staff are very friend- election? Jesus Christ, why not just Wheatley, (extension ly and helpful (and one of them bend over and let college **** us really looks like the reception guy Conservative 48055). Written propos- up the butt. The overall effect is the from Casualty - weird). I'm sure same. als must be submitted to also that the Doctors and Nurses Society Mr Wheatley, Deputy are of the highest quality. Finally, in a comment that will Academic Registrar, by However, when will something be definately be edited out, may I just Meetings Every Thursday gt Monday 24 November done about the waiting time? It's point out that Eric Allsop is a X hard enough to drag oneself out of lo'clock in Southside Upper 1997. bed and get there at 8:30am, and That's quite enough of that, Lounge diabolical to wait an hour and a half thank you. to see a Doctor. To cap it off, this

A BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO

To the person who borrowed my mask on Friday's Halloween Party. Small Ads Can you please contact me on [email protected] A lecture by the Management School and Finance Soc. Netball Team: 6pm in Mech Eng Rm.542, Interested in playing netball? The club is restarting. Email a.osei@ic Thursday 13th November. Nintendo 64: E&O Brand new, boxed console for £85 and Super Mario 64 for £35, Star Wars 64 for £45, memory Ooh, loads and loads and loads. Phoenix Editor extension card for £10. All We are sorry, OK? Leave us together for £ 1 70. Call ext.52818 alone... needed! or email [email protected] TO CREATE THE ANNUAL ARTS MAGAZINE OF IMPERIAL COLLEGE. Female roommate wanted: SIGN UP ON THE NOTICE BOARD OPPOSITE ICU OFFICE £64 per week. Sharing in West (FROM MONDAY) Brompton. Walking distance. House with six other IC students. E-MAIL: MLTBI @DOC.IC.AC.UK FOR DETAILS Call 0171 381 9193 7 November 1997 COLUMNS

Revenge at last. That is how many dates, Kenneth Clarke (represent- should just resign now, rather than years and years, taking a left-wing Conservatives must view ing the left wing) and William continue generating tension. This different view, were going the latest sorry developments in Hague (representing the right) could be a sensible way to show to agree." On the other the party, which has exposed its stood.. An immediate 'Anyone but he's tough without too much real hand, Thatcher is marshalling her first major split since the move into Clarke' campaign including such response needed, since shadow forces and speaking in the Lords, Opposition. The subject is nothing grandees as Margaret Thatcher her- ministers will always want to keep supporting the leadership, and has new - Europe. The dissidents cer- self, and triumphalism on their part an eye on their jobs. However this already criticised Clarke and tainly are, ex-cabinet heavyweights when Hague won, even though he policy could also be a mistake. If a Heseltine for their disloyalty such as Michael Heseltine and was considerably junior in age and number of ministers call his bluff (although what she was doing with Kenneth Clarke have attacked the experience. This created bitterness and resign, it will create a rump of John Major during his term of PM leadership's anti-European stance. was hardly continuous praise). The particular subject in question is So what long-term relevance the little-known Amsterdam Treaty, Hamish Common does this have? The question of which the Government supports Europe bores the pants off most and is guaranteed to get into law. people, its distance and irrelevance The Tory leader, William Hague, Westminster to us as contributing factors. Silly intends to oppose it utterly, and laws and 'anti-British' decisions add threatens to impose a three-line- to general despair, all in all few whip (where MPs are forced to Eye people are positively interested in vote at all costs) to do so. it. This may be fine, but to ignore Treaties are the building blocks the issue completely is dangerous. of European integration, the greater on the left, as they saw their own capable pro-europeans who will be The shenanigans of our politicians ones being the Treaty of Rome, the views being marginalised in the able to oppose the leadership at in these affairs, especially on the Maastricht Treaty and so on. party's policy-making. The final will in the way the 'Euro-rebels' did single currency, will affect us con- Amsterdam is not quite as signifi- ingredients of the contentious so effectively, helping in the last siderably in the time to come. It is cant as these, but is still an impor- European Treaty and the sharp Government's downfall. The pro- an issue few of us have the time, tant piece in the European puzzle. divides on this that had been europeans will have little problem the expertise, or the patience to It is precisely the sort of bone of papered over previously, caused in helping in Hague's. Clarke understand. Let us hope our elect- contention that neatly divides the this row to surface. announced that if the "Shadow ed representatives get this one Tories - to Labour's delight. In the Hague has responded to the Cabinet wanted to changed the right for a change. leadership election held in the present altercation with a hard-line party policy of the last thirty years, wake of the General Election defeat view. He says that those ministers it can't conceivably imagine that in May, the two eventual candi- who disagree with him on the issue people who've been in office for

DsDLFLTD

Chicken and Mushroom Pie cloves, bringing to the boil and mixed herbs, a bit of chilli simmering for 1 Vz hours. Then source, whatever you fancy. Say one day you fancy sieve the stock so that you are When the stock is ready, roast chicken. So you buy your ieft with just the clearish liquid. pour some onto the meat and chicken, roast it (375°F, 190°C, Whilst the stock is boiling veg so that the liquid comes gas mark 5, 1 hour plus 10 away, prepare the other ingre- about half way up the mixture. minutes per lb over 21b), eat a dients. Make a dough by mix- Roll out the dough and place drumstick and a piece of breast ing 8oz flour with 4oz fat (suet on top, pressing the edges but can't finish it because you or butter, the former is against the sides of the dish to forgot to ask some friends extremely unhealthy and hence seal it. Cut a small hole in the round. Then it sits in the fridge very tasty) and a pinch of salt middle of the dough to stop for a couple of days and sud- and then adding enough water the pie exploding and making a denly you panic because you to bind everything together mess of your oven. For a flashy won't finish it before it goes into a smooth paste. Putting a finish you can glaze the dough off. Well, here's what to do large pinch of mixed herbs in by brushing some egg white with the rest. with the flour gives extra onto it. Tear all the pieces apart, flavour. Finally cook the pie in the strip the meat from the bones Now cut the meat into oven at 400°F, 200°C, gas mark and put it aside. Make a stock small (1/2") pieces, thinly slice 6 for 30-40 minutes or until with the carcass, the bones 1 /21b of mushrooms, dice one the crust is nicely golden. and skin. This involves putting small turnip and one small Antoine all these bits and pieces in a parsnip into very small cubes pan, covering with water, and mix all these bits in a bak- adding pepper, salt, a couple ing tray or casserole dish. of bay leaves and whole Season with salt, pepper, 10 COLUMNS 7 November 1997

Trouble at mill, lad. The decision has really been made. removal of currency exchange is wish to get their filthy paws on it. 1 EMU saga rumbles on, This is naturally not an easy thing not the clinching argument. If you know of no surer, quicker way to though the mood and pre- to resolve. Support and opposi- believe in monetarism as both screw it up than by absorbing it text for debate appears to have tion, despite what young Mr Blair Labour and the Conservatives into this cost-unconscious, over- changed slightly. As time goes by, tries to tell us, cut across party seem to, the loss of interest rate staffed, overcharging department. the feeling seems to be 'when' lines. It is certainly true that the control by a country or its central Moreover, it beggars belief that rather than 'if. This is all very well, ayes are in the ascendance, princi- bank is economic and political sui- plans are afoot to expand Catering since it removes an element of pally because of the difficulty of cide. Nobody has convinced me at precisely the time they should confusion, but it also serves to sti- opposing the otherwise and I be looking to rationalise and priva- fle debate on the fundamentals of New Labour spin doubt they ever tise the existing set-up. This is a the project. If the British public are blitz. Eurosceptics will. recipe for disaster, if you'll excuse constantly told that the key ques- are seen as jingo- Very dis- the pun. tion is timing, they will soften their istic lunatics, tressing news opposition to the single currency, somewhere in the has just reached Finally, I'll slip into Anne deprived of the relevant informa- social order me. Many of you Robinson mode for a minute (no tion. Labour's affirmation of uncer- between child youngsters may sniggering at the back). Now is the tainty is driven by the belief that molesters and not be familiar time when Christmas parties are they would not win a referendum Imperial College's with the Holland being planned and restaurants before the next election, and has student journal- Club in Sherfield. being booked. My own recent little to do with economic consid- ists. To argue Nothing to do experience suggest that Da erations. The Conservatives have convincingly with clogs, Mario's on Gloucester Road ruled out membership for 10 years against EMU does f—^ mind. This is the should be avoided, on account of in the hope that it will given them not require non-academic their tendency to cancel bookings a quiet life for the time being. Of recourse to the issue of sovereign- staff social club, providing good if bigger and better parties arrive course, this is a forlorn hope, with ty and Her Majesty's image on our food at very reasonable prices. As on the scene, claiming a double rampant Europhiles like Peter coins and banknotes, very impor- a postgrad, I can choose between booking. You have been warned. Temple-Morris in the party. The tant though they are. The vital there and the SCR. I have not real question is whether it is a point about EMU is the loss of eaten in the SCR for 18 months. All good idea in principle- will it ever control of interest rates and the in all, this is a very successful ven- work? By delaying decisions, we inevitability of a common fiscal ture. Hence my fearful disbelief are left not knowing whether that balance sheet for Europe. The when 1 heard that College Catering

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; ''iU Your Union - Helping you to help yourself IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION ; 12 INTERVIEWS 7 November 1997 7 November 1997 INTERVIEWS 13 gfejj

In case you had not noticed, election would mean that people at Saint Mary's, Charing JT: Tell us about your previous experience - they will lose a considerable number of clubs there is a distinct need to keep services that due to rise by at least 25% next year campaigns are well under way for Cross, or the other two schools of medicine, what makes you think you're up to the job? and the loss of accommodation for non-first already exist there in some cases. Yes, medics with the arrival of the medical pre-clin- ICU President and Deputy President would have a lot of trouble to partake in the Andrew Heeps: I'm currently vice-president years. How are you going to break the bad news are going to have to lose some clubs and soci- ical students. What are you going to do for Clubs and Societies. To help you to decide activity as under ICSM. I think really we should of the Charing Cross Union. I lead the largest and deal with the inevitable backlash? eties. It is the same on the main campus. The to enlarge and improve social space, other than who to vote for, we interviewed the candi- tackle BUSA and tell them that they have to take delegation to the British Youth Parliament, MB: I think the way to "break the bad news" clubs and societies that are not performing, that the Beit Hall basement already offered? dates live on IC Radio. Read, decide, and each sport individually. Some sports, fine; ICSM which is a sub-organisation of the Home Office. is to make sure that they are involved and that are not providing the services, well, they may MB: I would quite like to see us getting more VOTE! can put out their own team. I am quite happy I've been involved in representing people of they understand what is going to happen. I will have to lose out. The money must be allocated space from College, if possible, because Biology for that tradition to go on; I don't want to stop both my own age group and elsewhere, for a be telling all the constituent college unions and where it is needed. Following that policy through are vacating their area, so 1 think we should be it. However, where BUSA are starting to get a bit total of ten years now. I think that my actual all the clubs exactly how we are going to allo- to its logical conclusion, I think there will be less able to get some more space from that. I would CHARLIE JOYNT - STAND- shirty about entries and suchlike, then 1 think we experience of being a people's representative is cate the money and how things will be done, tear-shedding than is currently predicted. like to see the JCR improved, because that's an will have to get on to them. quite high and I don't see my lack of past ICU and the better prepared and more involved peo- JT: What action are you going to take to get existing space which is very poorly used at the ING FOR DEPUTY PRESI- JT: Do you think you have a good chance of involvement being a problem. ple are in the process, the fairer it will seem and rid of tuition fees? moment. getting BUSA to change their policy on this one? MB: Well, I actually went on a march this JT: And now I have some short answer ques- DENT (CLUBS AND SOCS) CJ: Changing BUSA policy? They're a bit weekend against tuition fees, which demon- tions. Starting with Andy: intractable really. However I wouldn't like to say strated my support. I will also be campaigning How many signatures of ICU are required to Jeremy Thomson: Tell us about your previ- that we will turn a blind eye to BUSA regulations. wherever possible against the introduction of call an Emergency General Meeting? ous experience - what makes you think you're If BUSA try to split up our rowing team, for tuition fees, but I am not planning to bomb the AH: Off the top of my head, fifty. [Correct up to the job? example, which is excellent and has many Houses of Parliament or anything! answer: one hundred.] Charlie Joynt: I have been a member of the medics among its ranks, then we cannot stand JT: Any direct policy on that, Andy? JT: Mark recently did a quad run; would you rugby club for two-and-a-bit years now. 1 am for that. AH: I think the most important thing to do is take off all your clothes in the interests of the now running the third fifteen and the fourth fif- JT: You come from a sporting background. to distance ourselves from anything the NUS union? teen on my own. I have personally managed to How are you going to overcome your personal has been saying. The ICU response to Dearing is AH: I was actually asked to, and I think it is arrange to get a fourth fifteen out for the first leanings and promote all clubs equally? coming up quite soon; it is currently being writ- credit to me that I was clever enough to find time in recent history for the College. I am also CJ: 1 am not sure that 1 have any personal ten and 1 want to see a full and frank debate someone else to do it for me! an academic representative in my department leanings particularly to the sports. I have more there. I want to know what people think. 1 am JT:A student is caught smoking cannabis in so I am well used to sitting on really boring com- experience of sports, but I am not a one-sided fundamentally against tuition fees being intro- halls. Is this a matter for the Union, the College mittees all day long. Quite frankly. 1 think my character. I have much interest in music; my duced. 1 don't see how you can have education or the Police? best qualification for the job is that I am enthu- flat-mates would sneer at me if I said I was based upon the ability of people to pay as AH: 1 cannot condone breaking the law. siastic and 1 want to do this thing. interested in art; but I am perfectly able to opposed to the ability to learn. It is fundamen- JT: So you think it is a matter for the Police? JT: What are your three biggest strengths? appreciate other clubs and societies and their tally wrong. AH: Yes. I am not saying that it is the Union's CJ: My ability to work with people; I am fair- interests. JT: I would like to give you both an oppor- place to report it, but I cannot condone break- ly outgoing and quite approachable. 1 don't take JT: In your manifesto, you promise ACC and tunity to criticise each other, starting with Mark. ing the law. things too seriously; if someone comes along RCC dinners and balls. Explain further... Do you have anything to say against Andy? JT: Do you know how much you will be paid, and tries to take the piss out of what 1 am doing, CJ: This college is really quite dire as far as MB: No, surprisingly not! I think Andy is a and do you care? I am not going to go over the top about that. 1 socialising goes. We have reasonable atten- very nice bloke. My one criticism would be that, AH: No. 1 don't know how much at all. 1 am well organised; my flat mates can vouch for dance at our Friday ents nights, but we are a bit through no fault of his own, Charing Cross has know accommodation is provided, which would this, as they always moan about how my room lacking when it comes to a good knees-up. only just recently merged with IC so he has not suit me down to the ground. Eric [Allsop] does- is actually tidy! Anyone who has seen Southside Bar on had that much experience of Imperial College n't seem to have lost any weight over the last JT: And your three worst weaknesses? Wednesday night would agree that a ball with all Union. year, so I am sure there is enough money there CJ: My weaknesses? A pint of beer. That will the sports clubs would be an amusing event. JT: And Andy? to be able to eat! get me out of the office at any opportunity. What is more, the other clubs, the ones that are AH: Well, of course, leaving the hair aside, JT: What are the last two Union events you Ooh, dear... you've dug out all the real cliche not competitive sports, the recreational clubs, Mark... attended? questions, haven't you? Maybe I don't know and possibly the social clubs, would also be able MB:.Oh, thanks... AH: I was in on the Wednesday of Fresher's what my weaknesses are... could that be a to put on a good do. The most social people in AH: No, 1 completely agree with that; I think week, and 1 visited the Royal School of Mines weakness? this college are members of clubs and societies. Mark's a great bloke. We went for lunch some- Halloween party on Thursday. JT: The Christian Union has recently been Aiming an annual do at these people would be a where last week and we keep bumping into each JT: Thank you very much, Andy. And now refused official society status in ICU because success. other and chatting. The reason I am standing and Mark's questions: What is the address of the they require all members of the committee to be JT: And your short questions: Number one. not giving way to him is that I feel that this new Hammersmith Royal Postgraduate Medical Christian. How will you handle a similar situa- How many clubs are there at the St Mary's cam- impetus of fresh air, this fresh person at the top School? tion? pus? of the Union, will provide the momentum MB: I don't know. CJ: All our societies should be open to any CJ: I am not exactly sure. There is probably required to prepare ICU for the next century. JT: Good! What is the annual turnover of the member of the College, no matter what their in the range of about twenty. JT: A question specifically for Andy: Your Union? beliefs and backgrounds are. Many of our clubs JT: What's the maximum funding a club may face is not particularly familiar at South MB: I believe it is nearly a million pounds. require participation, the sports particularly. You receive from the Union? Kensington. With the lack of a hand-over period, [Correct answer: £999,400.] can't really expect to be a member of a sports CJ: I am not sure. I could tell you within five JT: Okay, the less complaints people will have. As for surely you are not going to have time to get to JT: As required by Regulation 7.5.6 pertain- club without turning up to the games and such- minutes of being in the job though. Mark, can you come dealing with the backlash; I will be trying to min- know all the union officers and college figures? ing to "Standing Orders For Council And General like. However, in religious clubs or societies I JT: Do you think that the IC Rugby team in on that? imise it, but I would be there to be yelled at as AH: As far as the Union is concerned, I have Meetings", what must a Council member do would say that it is perfectly all right to have firsts can beat the ICSM team? Mark Baker: Yes. I'm currently Publications President and I would try to make people see already given that a lot of thought, and my pri- before voting? someone who isn't of your religion as a member. CJ: I would like to see them have a go. Board chair; I oversee the running of all the that we are reasonable. ority over the first two weeks in office would be MB: Oh, think! 1 mean, they are quite able to have an interest in JT: What's your favourite sporting joke? media and help out with any of their problems. JT: Andy, being honest or being nice; can to meet as many people as possible. Obviously JT: That's right! Question four: Do you take your religion even if they don't subscribe to the CJ: Jeremy Guscott in fishnet stockings! I was also a member of UFC last year. I was on you do both? people would have to work with me on that, illegal substances? beliefs. the budgets' advisory group which is a very long AH: Well, you can always try to work in the although I am sure that people would be quite MB: No comment! JT: Are you aware of the conflict between and boring meeting going through every single best interests of the majority of the member- keen to meet the new ICU President. It is also JT: Last question: briefly, what is the the IC and the ICSM BUSA entries, and how are MARK BAKER AND budget of all of the clubs at ICU; there are a ship. That is perhaps where this issue goes in. valid knowing that there is a very competent Governing body, and when does it meet? you going to resolve it? large number of those; I tried to sort them out There are one thousand five hundred medics team at the top already and we are just filling a MB: Well, that's pretty self-explanatory: it is CJ: Oh, yes, this is a bit of a big one really. ANDREW HEEPS - BOTH and I looked at them fairly. I have also been to who are there at the moment who didn't actual- few gaps in that competent team. So 1 have no the governing body of Imperial College! 1 don't BUSA will allow the medics to play their own fix- quite a few council meetings and executive ly apply to Imperial; people who, although they worries that they will pull me up if I am not actually know when it meets, because, funnily tures as ICSM. However I have just been STANDING FOR meetings, so I am well used to how ICU runs, are very keen on the merger, do not want to see speaking to the right people or doing whatever. enough, students don't actually get invited along informed today that BUSA will not allow any and I think 1 understand enough about it to be their history and traditions going. Over the next If anything it could be a benefit because it is not to it. As President, I would find out when it medic to play for Imperial, which causes a bit of PRESIDENT OF ICU its President. six years any backlash that is going to come out the same old tired faces and approaches com- meets. strife on some of the teams, where 1CSM do not JT: The Medical students are facing massive will fade away, and I think that is how we should ing forward and seeing people. put forward a team, for example fencing. This cuts in their union funding, the probability that be working. As to the allocation of funding, JT: And one for Mark: Student numbers are FEATURE 7 1997 FEATURE 15

If you want to find out more As I write, President Clinton chocolate manufacturers the bank will 'actively seek out' about this campaign please pick has just ripped up what is left of little substance. But the reality is built model villages, busi- organisations which promote posi- up a leaflet, contact me the Rio summit commitments, that a major power shift has nesses are at present tive environmental steps, fair trade ([email protected]), or the campaign abandoning his occurred. The combination of the churning out ethical state- and generally will try to work with directly at USS, 4A East Avenue, election information revolution and an ments. Business 'ethics' those who conduct business activ- Oxford OX4 IXW, e-mail FB< pledge to cut obsession with free trade, has cre- has become as much of a ity from an ethically consistent [email protected]. carbon dioxide ated a situation in which the bal- buzz-word in the nineties as standpoint. These are the most Leaflets are available today from emissions in the ance between national govern- 'down-sizing' was in the eighties. woolly parts of the policy but also Felix distribution points. year 2000 to 1990 ments and big business has the most important as they define Tom Hay levels. The reason changed. For example, the World Undoubtedly, the substance of the business culture. given, in typically Bank has calculated that of the these 'ethical' guidelines varies |3» Orwellian fashion, is that 100 largest definable economic considerably. There are broadly There is nothing very radical the US is somehow a units, only half of them are coun- three different categories, which about this policy, in fact, I'm 'special' case - that is they tries, the rest businesses. The could be defined as ' fundamen- sure that I could have ham- are a bigger polluter, implications of this trend are con- tal', 'tinkering' and 'green-wash'. mered it out with my accounting for 22% of the siderable and there is much to be granny over a cup of tea. world's carbon dioxide said about the threat that such On the positive side, there But it is a good start, and emissions, and therefore powerful business interests poses have been notable successes of where there is 13.5 billion have greater difficulty in to our democratic institutions. But businesses which have man- pounds at stake it is cer- complying. This signals a rather that focusing on that, I aged to consolidate their mar- tainly worth doing. ket position by putting into place far reach- ing and highly accountable standards of Perhaps the greatest steps for- Contained within Winning business practice - the 'fun- ward have been in the financial the ethical policy are a damentals'. The most sector. 'Ethical Investments' in number of different obvious example in Britain now account for billions, kinds of statements.

complete U-turn, as mm Britain of this funda- and most building societies now Firstly, there are the up until a few weeks mental approach is the offer such policies. E1RIS, the only general clauses ago Clinton had kept up success of the Co- firm of Independent Financial concerned with high profile support for operative Bank. Advisers who offer advice on basic standards. the Rio targets. However, Ethical Investments in this country, On a general level under stiff opposition from In the middle there are turning away work. However, the bank is com- the importance of the ethical If the business community, are a number of com- mitted to not which has spent millions on panies who are at pre- financial sector is not simply it's invest in organisa- television advertisements size but it's far tions which under- playing on the fear of job inse- reaching influ- mine human curity, he crum- ence. One of rights, damage the Titanic pled. So yet Roulette... the most environment effective ways excessively and again, Clinton star- Tom Hay details the rise of ethical Investment in a world of supra tles us with his of altering sell arms to power for reinven- would like to consider how this business practice is to refuse to oppressive national corporations tion. The aggressive change has altered the way busi- sent 'tinkering' with the mecha- lend money on 'ethical' grounds. regimes (whoever they are). Other free-marketeers call ness perceives itself, and plot the nism of their business structure. 'forbidding' clauses include ones the shots and Clinton's rise of business ethics. Examples include B&.Q's work with It is for this reason that the on much more specific issues like interventionist poli- the World Wildlife Fund, to analyse campaign to form an ethical policy the tobacco trade and animal cies end up in the Traditional wisdom is that busi- the sustainability of their timber for the USS pension fund (that of experimentation for cosmetics, bucket. ness operates within the rules of sources, and the positive noises your lecturers) is so important. The and specifically in the area of society. In other words, society coming from certain supermarkets fund is worth 13.5 billion pounds finance there is clause which for- It is easy to contains business so the ethics of following Christian Aid's campaign or more than double the total of bids speculation on the pound. ridicule the the society are the ethics of busi- to establish guidelines for the ethical investments in this country, The rationale for this is that the Democrats, and ness. But what if a business is so working conditions of those pro- so could have an enormous influ- bank would be profiting at the New Labour for that powerful that it is bigger than the ducing food in the developing ence on financial practice. Also, as expense of its customers, the matter, for the ease society in which it is based? Who world. the pension is guaranteed by the British taxpayer. with which we have decides what the acceptable limits government, such a change would moved from the are? This a very crude model of On the other extreme there are have no impact on the pension All the policies 1 have noted so Reagan-Thatcher era what is happening right now. An those who are blatantly 'green that individuals receive. (1 don't far are the passive statements, to the Clinton-Blair internal crisis has been generated washing' their organisations with pretend to be an expert on this those that set up a framework era, with so much within the business community the help of their publicity depart- matter but if you are the kind of within which the bank acts as a rhetoric and so itself as decision makers increas- ments. There are too many of them person who is, someone would be moral arbiter; a list of criteria ingly find that traditional bound- to list, but as a general principle delighted to speak to you at the which all borrowers must comply aries of good practice are ineffec- keep away from anything that has contact address below). So what too. But the Co-operative Bank is tual. Relying on external discipline no third party monitoring or alter- would such an ethical policy also committed to nurturing good is no longer tenable. The conse- natively has Linda McCartney's sig- include? As a model, the Co-oper- practice. Contained within the pol- quence is that with the zeal with nature on the front. ative Bank's is an excellent starting icy are statements of intent that which the nineteenth century point. 16 DIVERSIONS 7th November 1997

Don't just sit there on your MUSIC - 16 20- FILM Candyskins aiMwrStatic live Face/Off everything you need to reviews. Rolf Harris, Northern know plus a chance to win tickets Uproar, The Cure & Moby's and T-shirts. Reviews of My ARSE latest. Plus news and singles Mother's Courage, Gl Jane, Maximum Risk & Up on the Roof get out and review some BOOKS- 20 Ecstasy Reconsdidered 26-FICTION Nicholas Saunders' new bible. Part Two of Buz Barstow's t1 tiller The Man With the Ten ARTS GAMES - 22 Bob Note Quake II is here at last - read the lowdown. Bitmap Brothers' Art and theatre reviewers Z in preview. needed. Come to the Felix Office 1 pm on Monday for free tickets to exhibition, shows and plays.

MUSIC NEWS

irst up this week there is a message CANDYSKINS EAT STATIC from Trevor morgan about the up and coming dance The Garage pages. Take it away Trevor... Starting next week is the ulti- The Candyskins are the bunch W W pon first entering rhe .:r;o~i£-::::: .aase. .tero. mate dance music guide. Yes, we of lame indie chancers whose first I Astoria, something that draiTr- ': . ;:y;.££. isijy:. ;7;-.sb- will be digging deep down under- album you'll probably find for 99p \mAL struck me was the lengths backs throw a track into some- ground to bring you the cutting in the bargain bin at HMV. They that they had gone in order to cre- thing moie intricate and complex, edge of London's underground have changed their style somewhat ate the right atmophere for Eat all the meanwhile layered over a dance music scene. We will be fea- from the early days progressing Sratic. Every inch of the wall was solid, driving pulse. turing reviews of London's most from tuneless dirge to more chart- covered with 10 root luminous But Lat Static are not just innovative clubs. Vinyl reviews for all orientated pop. The crowd was posters of alien faces and mystic about the music, as I have discov- you budding D.J's. Plus the odd small and mostly uninterested symbols. Two huge projectors ered. Their gigs represenring an compilation and mix CD's we think apart from a few middle aged peo- beamed psychedelic images onto ?"'-::-._ exoerie~ :*> are worth a listen. In the near future circular screens, whilst hundreds can not be captured on record. we hope to bring you some inter- of lasers chased each other Halfway through the night, a rub- views with some of London's top around simulations of extraterres- ber-clad android-like female picks D.J's, producers and promoters. trial warfare which looked suspi- her way across the stage on robot- Also we need some people who ciously like something from a ic, seven foot stilts running from are willing to review clubs for us, if Playstation. But my favourite of all her arms and her legs. She walks you interested in a free night out. stage props was an eight foot back and forth inciting the crowd, Mainly week nights. Contact me brain which flashed and buzzed raising her robotic extensions to Trevor on Ext. 55685, 45632 or throughout the entire gig as if it the tempo of the music drop me an e-mail at t.j.mor- y:3p::ro:efl iveryTpira. "1 hi-only i rim ism I could pcis [email protected]. As the lights went down the sibly make is that the finale was Incidentally, just in case any whole building began to vibrate somewhat ann-climactic but then of you were missing Milen and under ihv [iressuie ot [h** bass again how- do you top brains the his vibe just skip to the nest page speaker so that ir souncied like stilts? where he gets a slightly larger mother ship' was about io land When I finally left, I left with a platform to shout from. El |us.i when the crowd were about smno on my rac c, h.iving changed «> to snap under the excitement, mv opinion .(html both I at Static And now, the marking scheme... ihi-y launched headlong into a and techno in general. Eat static, phenomenal nine fh.tr would sol like a c>0's Tink Floyd put on an All reviews are given stars up to a (he standards fur the lost ot Lhe incredible show both visually and maximum of five. The ratings are The Candyskins: evening A sulici pounding bass musically which came togethei in as follows: recycled shite, moled in standard 4 4 time niters a very psychedelic experience. mostly. a steady hypnotic framework With their own litrle branch of around which sirens and other ambient techno. I would definitely Never Mind the percussive' sounds Mow .mil freely want to go and see them again. It Buzzcocks intermingle Stionyjy based in was a thoroughly enjoyable, excit- pie who seemed to know all the techno, tht-ir music would ing experience. CI Marc Shooting Stars words. The 'skins twatted out a bunch new single, Feed It, is out on the have a really solid sound. The lead * * They Think It's All Over of bouncy tunes that seemed to 3rd and I can only hope it doesn't singer has the incredibly good for- have been recycled from 60's pop get a sniff of the charts. Take heart tune of having an excellent and * * Strike It Lucky songs that no-one really liked any- guys, you're not all shite - just unique voice as well as being rather way. Their hit - Monday Morning mostly. good looking. They're style is a bit if Crosswits was the high point of the evening The support band, Stretch difficult to put a finger on but it's and to be fair it's not a bad tune Princess, however were another quality stuff so look out for them No Stars Supermarket Sweep and some of their songs with a matter altogether. They're a really because they're going to be big! 01 softer feel worked fairly well. Their good, girl fronted three piece who Will Smith 7th November 1997 MUSIC 17

ALBUMS

ROLF HARRIS NORTHERN *\ Can You Tell What It is Yet? UPROAR

complete anthology of None the less, this album does Yesterday, Tomorrow, A British pop history, this CD. indeed dabble into a bit of every- is the Ben-Hur of all albums. thing, and Rolfs rendition of Alanis Today *** Embracing musical styles as diverse Morrisettes's One hand in my as traditional aboriginal and psy- pocket is truly brilliant. Fit with gig- here's not really much to be chedelic rock, these twelve tracks gling vocals, neat ambient sound T said about this album. In feature ten covers ranging from effects and even a sneaky little lyri- fact, there's about eleven modern day to way back into the cal twist, the track is a true classic, twelfths less to say about this early sixties. It is indeed an album bound to crack you up. Another album, than most twelve trackers. of great sophistication and virtuos- favourite of mine is A girl like you Why? Because this is essentially ity, the triumph of modern music. (yes, the one by Edwyn Collins) one track - one forty minute track. Okay, that's rubbish! But then which features Rolf on those bril- Yep, you did read correctly, this is again it's by Rolf Harris and he liant vocal effects that sound as if only a forty minute CD and, for a plays the wobble board on it, so he's playing with himself and a solo tenner, this isn't quite enough. what other reason can you pos- on the jaws harp that could have Yesterday Tomorrow Today, is I sibly need to buy it? It is the ulti- come straight off Jimi Hendrix's not ground breaking, revolutionary mate kitsch album ever, and is a Strat. In fact, 1 was very impressed or specialised in any way, but it is definite must to anyone who thinks with Rolf's musical capabilities, (if something that will no doubt sell they're hip or has a sense of you can believe what the sleeve by the bucket-load. humour. Rolf Harris has to be the says about the number of instru- most loved tit ever to have existed. ments he plays on the album). Like Johnny Ball, Perhaps it is the fact that he never As if all that isn't enough for this man can stops smiling, or the way he man- your money, there's even a version easily be confused ages to talk to everyone as if of Lou Reed's Perfect Day, So go with Cod. they're six years old that does it. on, go out and buy the album, and Why do people still like him? How if you don't like it, you can always long has he been around? And give it to your kid brother. CI exactly how much acid does the Marc man use? Style-wise, think of Ash and... no, on second thoughts, just think SOUL, HIP-HOP AND NO STOP of Ash. Tempo, lyrics and guitars could all have been lifted straight First up - Will Smith, tha man or imprisonment of Suge 'Baseball as per usual it's my job to go from Ash's recording studio, and just another fucking sell out. For Bat' Knight was just too much to through the mountains of crap placed onto this CD. While this is me he's a bit of both, 1 give the bear. But they're back and that the record companies no bad thing, as with Ash, if you've man 'nuff respect for being the crushin' all before them. Just out release and bring forh the real heard one song, you've heard biggest black star of this genera- stateside is Death Rows Gang gems. Tha first ladies of hip-hop them all. This is perfect backgroud tion but does he have to released Related - The Soundtrack and its bring us a monster track entitled music, something to fall asleep to. this weak arse, pop-tastick, just gone straight in at number one R U Ready, if this doesn't get you And that's it. Ther seems to be a for the masses bullshit. Well yes over there. The film is the final singin along go home. Changing distince lack of energy about the actually because he earns him big screen appearance of 2Pac, a Faces have at last got round to whole thing. mo' money and guess what he's shame really 'cause he was show- releasing / Got Somebody Else Everything you'd expect from doing it again with the release of ing some real talent in this direc- this mid tempo track doesn't give the current phase of band music is his latest single fust Crusin' on tion (just check Poetic Justice anything new but it sticks in your here but, as I've already said, noth- November 17th this'!! be another and even Gridlock'd). The LP is head and for dat is worth check- ing really distinguishes any track huge commercial success, but full of killer tunes, a couple of ing. Another monster doing the from any other. In fact, they could probably won't be getting any really dope tracks from the man rounds at the mintue on US is all quite easily fit into the back- serious club play. Havin' said all himself (RIP) along with support You Should Be Mine by Brain ground of many an Aussie tea-time of that Will's new album is soon from Snoop, Kurupt, Nate Dogg Mcknight with rap by Bad Boy soap, a fate that is becoming more to drop with production by some and Mack 10. Mase, this is better than good it's prevalent among British bands. of the largest hip hop names Staying on the West Coast the a fucking eight ball single. Yesterday Tomorrow Today is Puffy, Trackmasters, Jermaine heir to the Tupac throne has still Speaking of Mase, this Bad Boy is very much middle of the road Brit- Dupri and Warren C, so what's not been decided, Snoop is the dropping his ablum soon, it Pop, but good middle of the road up? Maybe he just is tha man! frontrunner with most people seems that Puffy has decided to none the less. Unfortunately, Y'all can all make your own minds believing that his next joint will flow the market with Faith and 'good' is the only word that can be up. -Stop Press— Just in that Will wrap it up. He had better be the Lox also dropping theirs in used to describe just about every is signed up to play Muhammad quick though because my the near future. Tha Bomb simple element of the album. Nothing Ali in a film of the boxers' life. So sources, on the other side of the as tat, Mr WooHa brings stands out for notable compliment it seems Mr Smith does fly like a Atlantic, say that the long await- Dangerous the second release or criticism. butterfly (weak shit) but stings ed joint from Ice Cube is going to from the LP When Disaster If you like Ash, buy it. If you like like a bee (tha good shit). fasttrack tha man to the number Strikes both show be on your Northern Uproar, even better. If For all of y'all who are straight one spot on the West Coast. The checklist, will blow up on the you're looking for a bit of variety, up West Coast till I die, there's double LP is titled War & Peace dance floor. forget it. El some light at the end of the tun- and should drop in the near 'Nuff from me, remember to Derek nel. For a time Death Row lay future; more details when I get check the column next week. Love stagnant; the loss of Dr Dre and dem. to all, n Tupac's death along with the Back to the present day and Milen 18 MUSIC 7 November 1997

ALBUMS

THE CURE MOBY

Galore it it it v2 I Like To Score * *

o, no this is not a brand orrect me if I am wrong, but and still expect people to read it. N new Cure album as in total- Cwhy is it that none of these The James Bond remix of the ly new material, but it is a tracks has been more publi- original theme tune is quite catchy, collection of their singles from cised. This is probably because but may offend true fans of Bond 1987 to 1997, the most recent these are pretty mediocre offerings as it has used Pierce Brosnan's being the Jesus Jones-ey sounding from the king of the club scene. I voice for those immortal words Wrong Number that has just love Moby's old stuff and 1 was 'My name is Bond, James Bond' recently been released. You could really looking forward to hearing (cue strong but knowledgeable consider this as their follow up to this album but unfortunately it glance). the previous singles collection turned out to be a bit of a disap- Then there is Moby's offering Staring At The Sea, ('79- '85). pointment, not to say that all of the for the soundtrack of the Saint. If you've got most of their tracks are bad, as there are some 'What?' I may hear you ask, 'Moby albums then you'd probably have that recapture his old brilliance. did a track for the Saint?'. Now 1 heard all of these tracks anyway am sure everyone has heard the but if not, then this is a perfect way Orb's contribution, which was to get some of their most cracking actually quite good, and is now tracks. Some of the more out- wondering why they didn't know standing ones are Fascination Moby was on there as well. It's Street, and the absolutely fantastic simple, the track doesn't hold a Just Like Heaven which alone light up to that of the Orb and makes this album worth getting. deserves to remain unknown. Pictures of You is another gem Guitars have become more worthy of a mention, along with prominent in Moby's work and he the three singles off Wish, which has used them in a few of these Friday I'm In Love is undoubtedly tracks. Now in one song they are the best. There are a couple of put to good use, but in the other, rather dubious sounding pop well I can hardly bring myself to talk The all new efforts in the form of Why Can't I about it, they are painful to listen Cure! (cheerful- Be You, though the quality of the The first thing I have to mention to. Imagine your Dad's favourite ness somehow rest of the songs helps you to for- about the album is the phenomenal Status Quo chorus double it and included). get about these minor blemishes. amount of bullshit printed in the you will be getting close to the level Basically this album contains all the sleeve. I don't think that anyone of cheezyness involved here. All I Cure songs you've heard, you may apart from a trained politician, or can say is why? CI not know them all by name, but possibly a maths lecturer, could Simon V. you will after a listen, d Jason write something so unintelligible

SINGLES

Ladysmith Black Mambazo - Inkanyezi Nezazi Tin Star - Disconnected Child Dawn of the Replicants - Rhino Rays EP (The star and the wiseman) A gentle drum beat with a hint of trance in there The first track , Radars, on this four track EP Who? The cover, similar to a Heinz soup can somewhere slowly combines and builds into an starts off with a melodic distorted guitar intro label, should have told me. This pleasant excellent tune with perfectly timed highs and and then progresses into a more discordant African tribal chant music is the theme from a lows. Lyrics are skillfully and unobtrusively used sound in the same vein as Subcircus. However Heinz TV ad. Unlikely to have the success of to top it all off. Definitely worth buying espe- the rest are pretty average on the whole. jeans ad music but never the less this is a love- cially for the b-side which is a longer and, ly mellow tune. Ideal music for those lazy undoubtedly, better mix. Unlikely to be a chart Flyscreen - / Wanna Be In A New York Punk < Sunday afternoons or maybe even a bowl of success but should get a bit of attention in club- Band soup! land. Another four track EP with three tracks under three minutes long, very punk indeed. These Foil - Reviver Gene songs aren't exactly hard hitting punk but only A fantastic strong guitar sound propels you at about halfway there, and soon lose their appeal ESSENTIAL CHOON high speed through this tune which is combined after a couple of listens. with an excellent vocalist to complete the expe- Beck - Deadweight rience. A definite must have will be their debut Beck has produced some excellent original Pulp - Help The Aged album Spread it all around. Look out for these music in the past. So it is no surprise that this There was a rumour floating around that Pulp guys they deserve to do well. is yet another. Funky lyrics backed by a myriad were only going to release this single in Help of instruments skillfully packaged into a master- The Aged charity shops so that it wouldn't qual- Cath Coffey - Tell Me piece Taken from the soundtrack of the recent- ify for a chart position. Top idea. It is a typical Gentle soulful lyrics with a synth beat box back- ly released film A Life Less Ordinary, Pulp track with Jarvis being his usual witty self. ground. Fairly inoffensive and plain tune which Deadweight is bound to take the chart by storm. is likely to appeal to people who don't care what If I hadn't been given a freebie I'd be at the front SFA - Demons they listen to. The b side contains a couple of of the queue to buy this one. This is a really soothing mellow track that kicks re-mixes by A Guy Called Gerald and Steve in at the chorus, a real pogo-er. Although the Osborne. They manage to add a bit of flair to last single from SFA wasn't much cop, this one the proceedings but unfortunately some lyrics Mark P shows that they've still got a bit left in them. still remain. /ason 7 November 1997 BOOKS 19

NON FICTION

ECSTASY RECONSIDERED Nicholas Saunders ****

t's two years to the day since I has also updated the book exten- tary information are used exten- reference book. reviewed Nicholas Saunders' sively, taking into account new sively, allowing the reader to 1 felt that the positive experi- I Ecstasy and the Dance Culture. laws, new music and many new choose how deeply to investigate. ence of taking ecstasy were under- Since then it has found favour in personal accounts. There are contributions from many stated, probably to avoid being rub- many camps - clubbers, writers, If I've made Ecstasy authors and an extremely wide ber-stamped a pro-drugs book. The parents and the police. Its clear, book itself is less impressive than unpretentious and well-informed the previous incarnations, with the style has led to it becoming the colour section having disappeared. ecstasy bible and there's hardly a This is forgivable, though, as all drug-hoover I know that doesn't proceeds from sales of Ecstasy have a copy wedged between On Reconsidered are invested in a pill- the Road and Dougal and the Blue testing program (see picture). Cat on their shelf. Ecstasy Reconsidered is an So what new material does excellent publication and the best Saunders have to offer? The struc- source of infomation on ecstasy ture of the book is largely availiable. Don't take drugs without unchanged, but with new sections it. on risks, death and safety. For more infomation, see However, the most significant Saunders' web-site at http://obso- addition is a greatly expanded look lete.com/ecstasy. The site also at the limited scientific evidence contains the complete text of available. The toxicity of MDMA is Saunders' first book, E for Ecstasy closely examined, both on a sys- and many more test results. temic and neurotoxic level. The The book is available in Tower beneficial effects of combination Records and more funky book with fenfluramine and fluoxetine One of the best things about this book is that is pays for pill tests. shops at £9.95, or can be ordered (Prozac) are considered. The results, like these, are distributed as widely as possible without directly for £11 from Nicholas Summaries are provided for the getting knee-capped. Sanders, 14 Neal's Yard, Covent non-scientific reader, and the Garden. Q whole book is intensively refer- Reconsidered sound like a text range of issues are dealt with, from Jeremy enced - the bibliography contains book, don't be put off. It is beauti- media attitude to illicit manufac- just about everything that has been fully written with a pleasant, open ture. It is easy to read cover to written on the subject. Saunders style. Boxes containing supplemen- cover, and also functions well as a

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topic topic ftLAm in ihE next miLLEnnium Mercy in Islam venue venue lilAin DiilinG HALL date Prayer room* \ 7 nOV£m3E3 1997 date time 12 November 1997 6.oo p.m. time 1.00 p.m. - 2.00 p.m. Tickets are sold for £3.50 each. Each participant will receive a free book, worth £2.50. All muslims Refreshment is provided. All muslims and non- and non-muslims are invited. muslims are invited. * subject to changes

Congregational prayers are held daily in the Islamic Society's prayer room which is situated in the basement of 9 Princes Gardens; The Friday prayer is held in the Southside Gymnasium at 1.00 p.m.; All Islamic Society's members are required to pay £3.00 membership fee. 20 FILM 7 November 1997

REVIEWS AND COMPETITION ACE/0 Starring: John Travolta terrorist Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage) enters prison, not realising that Nicolas Cage who murdered his son. Troy is Troy has woken from his coma. Director: John Woo captured but in a coma, meaning Discovering what has occurred, Archer must become Troy via cos- Troy has the surgery performed on ace/Off may have a strange metic surgery, in order to locate himself and takes Archer's face, title, but it is one of the best Troy's deadly bomb. In a gory before killing all the people who F sequence, Archer and Troy have knew that Archer was now Troy. action films you will see this year. FBI agent Sean Archer (John their faces removed and Archer has Archer must escape from prison, Travolta) is out to get psychopathic Troy's face put on his head. Archer recover his face and save his family from a lunatic that everyone thinks is a national hero While this may seem like a con- fusing premise for a film, it works splendidly. The performances from Travolta and Cage are superb, each impersonating the other's walks John Travolta and mannerisms perfectly. The gives an supporting cast are also excellent, outstanding but the main kudos goes to the performance director, John Woo. Finally allowed a free hand after previous studio interference in his the two leads become more entan- American films, his abilities shine gled with each other's families, as he shows what he can do with coming to terms with the loss of his dazzling camera work, slo-mo close relatives and with their and choreographed gun sequences diametrically opposed characters. Nicolas Cage is the sadistic in some of the loudest and most This is the sort of high-quality terrorist... isn't he? exciting set pieces ever seen. blockbuster you wish Hollywood However, the film, while an action made more often. O thriller on the surface, has depth as David Norman

ost films about the The surreal nature of the plot is unpleasant questions raised by the MY MOTHER'S MHolocaust are based on a echoed in the staging of the film. Holocaust. Narrated by Mrs true story and this one is Glibly described as a tragi-comedy Tabori's real-life son, we are given COURAGE no exception. It centres upon a day by the director, it features slapstick the impression of a naive house- in the life of Mrs Tabori, a and observational comedy wife unwilling to come to terms Starring: George Tabori Hungarian Jew played by Pauline throughout. Whilst novel, the with the reality of her situation yet Pauline Collins Collins. It shows her arrest during homage to novel cinema seems out this is completely ignored in the Director: Michael Verhoeven Nazi Germany, her deportation to of place in a film with such a narrative. The film has a surprising- Auschwitz and her subsequent serious theme and detracts from ly lightweight feel and ultimately escape helped by a German officer. the impact of the story. This is suffers from trying to cover too This all happens in time for her to symptomatic of a seeming unwill- much in too little time. O return home and play Bridge. ingness within the film to tackle the Charles Carter FILM COMPRTITI with «W ODE friends at the KENSINGTON

The film of the moment is clearly Face-Oft, the high-tech face-swapping Last week we asked "In which sleepily titled film did Lwan McGregor thriller starring Nicolas Cage and |ohn Travolta. It is reviewed above and reveal all?" the Odeon Kensington Is giving away a stack of prizes related to the film. The answer was not Sleepless in Seattle, which may have the right title There are five sets of a pair of tickets and a t-shirt of the film to be but didn't actually feature McGregor. Neither was it Trainspotting which Iwon. For a chance to see the film for nothing at all answer the following may well have featured the Scot but certainly Isn't sleepily titled It was question either via e-mail at telix<.u>ic.ac.uk or by dropping into the Felix in fact. The Pillow Book, a little-noticed film released two years ago. Office. An easy question this week after several complaints that last The following four people win a poster, t-shirt and book from the "must week's was too difficult. see" A Life Less Ordinary: In which John Woo film did |ohn Travolta get straight M^-A*ajr)flt, Chtm EngMj Peter Campbell Biothcm 3 to the point? Debbie Middleton 7 November 1997

REVIEWS

politician wants women in Gl JANE line army service, the top don't. Much politicking results in a Starring: Demi Moore 'test case' solution - if the female Director: Ridley Scott candidate survives the tough training, all women can take part in his film has Demi Moore try- killing on an equal opportunity ing to act without the benefit basis. Like I said, hardly inspiring. T Needless to say, the evil military of half decent script or gratu- itous nudity. Doomed from the bosses try to make Gl Jane fail, start really wasn't it? none more so than her insidious Put bluntly: The acting is wood- commander, played by an excellent en, the characters stereotypes, the Viggo Mortensen. On cue, just to budget must have run... ooh, into prove that sexist Uncle Sam isn't so tens of dollars (virtually the entire bad, along come the Arabs (the film is shot in an army camp, all of sort of gun toting mullahs that live which looks decidedly like the in Hollywood minds) to get their same piece of land with a different ass kicked. Demi Moore's shaved wall/fence/obstacle on it), the plot head isn't the only ugly thing in this cliched and the moral dubious. film. Plotwise, a sharp female Simeon Patterson

MAXIMUM have, like actors, a script and a storyline, you er was a kind, generous and compassionate end up wishing it didn't . gangster who only killed people when it was RISK The story revolves around Alain Moreau absolutely necessary. (Van Damme), a French ex-marine who is now a The action sequences in the film are very Starring: Jean Claude Van Damme detective in the south of France. One day there competently handled, and the suspense and Natasha Henstridge is a bit of a ruckus, apparently caused by a interest are maintained for the whole 100 min- Director: Ringo Lam corpse with its legs sticking out through the bro- utes, although I suspect that this is partly to do ken windscreen of a car. Lo and behold the with the audience hoping that the rather fragile rash! Bang! Wallop! Jean-Claude Van cadaver has exactly the same chiselled features plot will stay intact until the end, which it does. CDamme single-handedly levels a whole as our hero. By a brilliant piece of intuition Alain It must be said that the acting falls a little short market with a vegetable-delivery scooter realises that this is his identical twin Mikhail of Oscar material: Van Damme has spent years before causing it to become airborne and land- from whom he was separated at birth and who honing his interpretation of a bit of cardboard ing on a passing car. CRASH! He rescues his was a big-time gangster on the run from the and Henstridge is there purely to add some best friend from a flaming van just before it brutal Russian mob (no really!). Sensing some- nudity to the proceedings. goes BANG! He beats the crap out of evil thing fishy going on, Inspector Moreau decides If you go to see a film like this with your Russian assassin Red Face no less than three to travel to New York in order to get to know his critical functions intact you are bound to be dis- times before finishing him off with a knife in the late sibling by discovering who killed him. En appointed. If you go drunk, stupid or merely guts WALLOP! route he gets in cahoots with his brother's girl- willing to have a laugh, then you won't be. And there it is. You see, although Maximum friend (Natasha Henstridge), breaks loads of fat Much. Risk does have all the ingredients that real films bald guys' wrists, and discovers that his broth- Dr Conzo

UP ON THE one of their own. The conversation concerns the usual things; "How's ROOF the job", "You've lost weight", "You haven't", "How can you possibly Starring: Nobody famous marry that twerp?". It is this last Director: Ditto question that we are left pondering as we move to the mid-nineties arning! The first five min- and discover how the group has Wutes of this film will strike turned out. terror into the hearts of at The film is an adaptation of a least half the campus. After the successful stage production and finals exams are over, however, we provides a regular supply of chuck- meet up with the five people sin- les along the way. There are sever- gled out from the exam hall, and al moments of intense personal find out that they are friends, some relationships, but the mood is soon more intimate than others, who lifted by the beautiful a cappella apart from wearing weird clothes melodies. The cast are big-screen and sporting strange hairdos, also newcomers, but do justice to the share a passion for a cappella characters, and the fact that they singing. Student life, it would are primarily actors who can also appear, just has not changed. Every sing is a bonus, since a genuine cliche is thrown in, but you still end sense of enthusiasm is conveyed to A gang of five performing students up saying, "Yeah! I know someone the songs. Colourful and beautifully from Up On The Roof just like that!" shot, this is an ideal film to We move from the late cheerfully while away a couple of seventies to the mid-eighties, and hours. Q find our friends at a wedding of Stef 22 GAMES 7 November 1997

BUBBLE GUM

tiplayer games knows, it is so much When Quake2 was started iD slower, at least on low end QUAKE II more satisfying to blow up some- supremo, Jon Romero became fed machines, not only because the one living hundreds of miles away up with this policy and left to form graphics engine has been beefed id Software who you've never met, or even bet- Ion Storm. up but also because iD have taken ter, your friends. What also added Quake 2 improves on Quake in the controversial step of optimising hree weeks ago possibly one to it's longevity was the fact that many ways, at least on paper. The the routines for high-end PCs rather T of the most important events anyone with the inclination could monsters are more detailed and than those with more modest sys- in the computer gamers' create their own levels thus ensur- tems. Modifications diary passed without a whimper ing that iD could focus their atten- will also be more diffi- from the press. The Quake2 beta tion to their next project rather than cult since the old, was posted on ID Software's (the diverting precious resources to easy QuakeC has darlings of the games industry) web providing support for the existing been replaced by the site and was quickly mirrored user base. more powerful and around the world. After a suitable When it was released, Quake flexible but ultimately period of time to deliberate, cogi- inspired a new generation of fanat- more difficult to pro- tate and digest on this latest offer- ics, not least because of the gram DLLs (Dynamic ing, the Quake community now enhanced multiplayer facility but | Linked Libraries). speaks. also because, in addition to being The general reac- Wolfenstein, iD's first success- able to create your own levels you tion has been mixed. ful game, almost single-handed could also completely change the | People have com- opened up a new genre of comput- source code allowing programmers plained that it is too er gaming. The 3d-1 st-person view to add extra weapons and change Duke Nukem-esque 9' Wfed'V;; gave a much greater feeling of free- the rules of the Game. (Quake's main rival). dom and the not so politically cor- Despite it's commercial suc- better animated. They are also Others have countered that this rect humour made for a fresh and cess, Quake did draw criticism for smarter and provide a more gen- was only a compatability test, not exciting game. ID then ^ uine challenge as opposed to the meant to represent the final prod- followed up by the leg- 'pump as much lead into it before it uct, others have said that it has no- endary Doom which « kills you' mentality of the original. where near the amount of "WOW" shifted the setting from The cosmetics have been factor that the original did. The a Nazi Castle to a improved; there are more colours debate will continue to rage until futuristic base, on screen and the water is trans- the final version is released and dropped in a load of parent on all computers not just probably way on past that. genuinely scary nasties those running OpenGL graphics Whichever way though you can and gave you a meaty cards and there is dynamic, make up your own mind by down- arsenal of weapons to coloured lighting. There is also a loading it from: destroy them with. story line of sorts, mostly seen by www. idsoftware. com What really kept Doom viewing animated cut-scenes If you'd like things a little faster (And all it's sequels on through a window, and to aid this then try getting it from one of the various platforms) the levels have been designed to mirrors sites on Sunsite in the going was the ability to not having a plot. There was a short represent buildings rather than Department of Computing. 'Deathmatch', to play against other story posted explaining your labyrinths where the only objective Simon people and, as anyone who has motives but basically the premise was to get from A to B alive. more than a passing nod with mul- was, run, shoot, kill, solve puzzles. On the down side the game is

s

ual is quite thin and not that wordy). The snap shots between ;-:..'.: v levels are quite cool and fun to look Bitmap Brothers at, however there are few variants. 'Z' also has a large sense of is one of those games that humour: within the game when you Zyou're going to love or are about to lose the battle, the you're going to hate it. At commentator of the game would first sight I personally hated it, but , 'jl! j say 'you are crap', 'you are hope- il,:.vl . i after experiencing 3 hours of solid Lkor 1 less' just to give your morale a $ 'battle', I loved it. The story line | - boast. behind this game is a straightfor- If I have to make a comparison ward one: you are the commander between this game other strategy ' of an robot army, and the objective games, 1 would say other strategy V -K, is to kick the crap out of the enemy games such as 'Red Alert', 'Counter and eventually destroy your Strike' are the legends (just like Star enemy's main fortification. During though eases off a little after you you could find yourself having a Trek Next Generation) and Z would the process of 'ass kicking', you have a sufficient number of robots dozen or two robots being blown to be a spin-off of such a strategy have to capture pieces of territory, and military vehicles to defend bits before your light infantry can game (similar to Star Trek Deep in which are factories. These facto- yourself. The key to success in 'Z' rescue you from losing your entire Space Nine!!!). It is definitely worth ries can make more robots and seems to be having the correct robot army. thinking of buying but 1 wouldn't other goodies such as guns, tanks, weapons and troops at the correct In general the game is quite place your hopes too high. O etc. position and at the right time. Since easy to play: it doesn't take long to Ivan Chan At the beginning of each level both robots and vehicles can only get the hang of the controls even the game play is pretty tense move at an incredible slow rate, without using the manual (the man- 7 November 1997 VARIOUS 23

MIND YOUR STEP Thought for the day

No. 4: Embarrassment

hat is the most embar- see it serving any useful purpose in watching Jimmy White lose yet rassing thing that has nature. The only difference it another frame to Stephen Hendry. THE W ever happened to you? makes to predator and prey is that Our Creator is bored. What can He Most of you will now be thinking the freshly-captured rodent blushes do? Well, for His own amusement, about that episode with the sheep slightly when he is noisily gobbled He strolls downstairs to the lab and the Physics textbook in Junior up by the ocelot, as his drinking and, using only aliphatic hydrocar- FELIX School. Funnily enough, the most mates laugh at him for not being bons and an old bottle of Jack WEEK embarrassing thing that can hap- Daniels that He found behind the Arts Meeting - lpm. For all inter- pen to anyone is not being tied Persil, God formulates embarrass- ested in exhibitions and theatre upside down naked to a lamp-post ment. (You must remember that He Features Meeting - 1 pm. If you in Trafalgar Square (despite what had not yet thought of the Sony want to write or layout features, those at Saint Mary's might think), Playstation.) Chalk another one up take photographs, or just have an it is tripping over a slightly lifted for the believers. idea, come along. flagstone on a busy Christmas- So this is why the socially inept shopping rush Oxford Street. amongst us (myself included) look Film Meeting - 12 noon. Actually, no. Maybe I was right first for a space between two molecules News Meeting - lpm. For all time. into which to crawl when we slip writers, researchers and Any readers who spend their over in the street, or queue at the photographers time theorising about the existence wrong side of the till in a shop. This or non-existence of some all-see- is the reason for wanting to throw Madness all day 10am - 3am. ing divine entity (and, in a radical yourself off Battersea Bridge when Not recommended for the unini- break with tradition, we're going to your bike chain falls off just before tiated. call him God), may be interested to the lights change (just ask the learn that the concept of embar- Features Editor), and this is what News meeting - 12.30pm. rassment is evidence in the argu- makes alcohol such an amusing Editorial Board - 1 pm. Informal ment. It goes something like this: if able to run fast enough. substance for freshers everywhere. committee meeting for all major God did not create everything, and No, embarrassment is another Oh, dear, I'm almost out of contributors. All welcome to indeed we did appear courtesy of one of God's little jokes. Did He space. How embarrassing. observe and join in. the Darwinian theory of natural really rest on the seventh day? Music Meeting - 1.30pm. selection, then why do we feel Picture the scene; everyone is by Our Kid For reviewers of music of all embarrassment? I can not really sleeping off their Sunday lunch and kinds. Student democracy made easy....

All you need is a Onion Card and an opinion.... Find out about the candidates at HU5TING5... ICO ® dBs Mon. /\/ov.3rd 6pm 5t.Mary's @ Gladys'Tues Mth 6pm Charing Cross @IC5MThurs 6th.6pm Or read their manifestoes in FELIX, or at the ballot boxes VOTING -Mon lOth/Tues llth IO-5.In the Onion, all Depts., JCR 24 CAPITAL 7 November 1997

DIVERSIONS FOR THE NEXT SEVEN DAYS

Southern Comfort Battle s'ar-i-: O-o Red Dwarf Mondrain: Nature to OLFJ Asian Dub of the Bands fByerS if - BBC 2. 9pm UG'G'AAeva Abstraction. Featuring: Fold, Funk & Gym "Smeghead" - I § 11 Tate Gallery .,-:'C=:aU' Disorderly. Dust and Crapston Villas G,G-<3caGaGSui .. £5, £3 students (main col- Rekless Karnage dB's, C4. Ill 0pm ISIS, uui .' jr AAA lection free and well Ijlll 8pm.Followed by "fluffy positivism is not the '-..a.. G';i;?;i worth seeing). Open daily Common People - indie order of the day" .GAG 3 00 00)3. 9 10.10a m - 5.50pm until 30 The Sundays noises plus cocktails and Film: I Posed for Playboy Ga:a A; Sat !2 OOo November Tube: ijni-trChaplBll chill-out room C5 12:10pm Oooor: AGrAe AAA Westminster Also £9.. ":' Free before 9pm/ £1 after "oo" ! 00.. 0.; 5.8 05 Turner Prize Entries £ 1.50.

RAG . p| . " ICU Kung Fu Club . '. U ':': Maximum Risk Sr,' B A'- OUF: Airto Moreira + OonOr-Ogi' |XG:G: :SI:;K.'4.3G 0 to 6:30pm at O AG,"': Virgin Trocadero tip '<':, Flora Purim, Southside Gym. 'Sari .-raters aaaa for. each (£5.00 sdt) foooOOy, : , Royal Festival Hall, Beginners always wel- others, rsra-tj u!ia" : 12.00, 2.10. 4.25. 6.40 Yourntis< AAJ 0 £I7.50-£I0, come. '-''..,:: 9.15 (Late Fri Sat 11.40) SAA AsavA '//e-::,orr,n ? FUm: laws LIB :/0' G"./G 100 AG:-: Aac. AS Sim Kite OUF: Paco De Lucia (AA GAGam Group. Barbican, £27.50-£l0.

Standing Room Only ICU Kung Fu Club Heartbeat r ' " ipnj, BG Wildlife Photographer OUF: The Art S'«mD(e Live premiership football - '-; :c 5 V-;y:, , GSASA; GaactAaa.car of the Year U 'C-'C-ayc -;- ,- in DaVinci's. 'ncn i "Ooo that Nick Berry" G: : ) :3 ,,'

Islamic Soc G.-eaGG*?; , Deadline for entries to the Srebrenica OUF: Kate St John Circle in prayer room 1 pm extremely easy guestion The Case AcMii.il i ' Purcell Room, Voting Community Action Group Home And Awa> on page 20.There are Ka.aaz.c and Gerv.".-: £8.50. Elections for President & 'Tools for Self Reliance" GV i.?:.p~ LAGOAA tickets and t-shirts from 6pm Old Dark Room, Beit GAG aa GiecGof* John Woo's Face/Off'to i ' i i - Theatre,. Butch Morris 'Conduction' me Union, all Depts, JCR. Quad GU;AJ;SS be won and you can ',..:., I Queen Elizabeth Hall. I Parr, - 5pm No excuses Ladies' Hockey 6pm in A A /:;T. ' enter by e-mailing the £9.50. £7.50. Union for training meet '\-v:ih JAA- nasi.. fhe.'Pr-s- answer to [email protected] Sanding Seen Only ArtSoc 12:30-1:30 Union ' ifn ' ijve pYemJc-oiT'.' :c

in DaV'inc's : :

I § Mysteries with Carol Up On me Roof Art Reviewers Neededl F:::yzt:ne Voting till! g; . ' : Vorderman UCI '"die 'tfernblev A;en«, i pm BBCI 8pm If you're interested in Elections for President c& ." 11 m - "she's beautiful, intelli- exhibitions, photograph DP |Clubs & Societies) in gent, funny, she's MINEI' theatre, shows or any .:::,; -'> the Union, all Depts, JCR. 8:15pm Eddie Izzard: other art-related stuff, 1 Oam - 5pm. No excuses. in ft f Unrepeatable come to the Felix office, '.*n.:" H'U>U. ' J1J.1T for ,Wi «(w C4 11:05pm I pm Monday. Orr.'Uer/. STA Bar Quiz OroB Skills Soc'"r ft,.:- "that bloke's wearing Prizes include £50 and a high heels, he is" crate of lager 8pm

Lunch Time Lecture SkafeSoc meeting. A Life Less Ordinary Srebrenca Django Bates + ' |ijived Ociopods and 12 05pm in Southside Odeon Kensington Wolfgang Pushchnig + creatures" ipm Lounge 7.05. 935 (Late Fn. Sac '.::" ...':.' !/:.;: Wolgang Muthspiel physics LTI. free, Islamic Soc 12.05) Mladic Queen Elizabeth Hall, XS - midweek mayhem, Circle at I pm in prayer Neighbours Virgin Fulham Rd Royal fJa * ' < £8,50

room. Princes Gardens BBC I 1 iipm 5.35pm . (£6.20. £4 sdt Mo-Th) 0:::: ..;„ :,< Islamic Soc Talk "Martene- " ._ : i 6.40. 9.20 ICU Cinema "Mercy in Islam" by Absofutely Fabulous Virgin Trocadero Men In Black 6pm Mahbub BBCI '-. 12.00. 2.20 4.40. 700. Voicano 8:30pm 9 20 (Late Fn. Sat 12.00) Concert Hall £2,

Nicholas Royle will be Communiiy Action Group Animal Hospital Zippo's Circus signing and reading "The Sou; i Run 8 15pm BBCI 8pm High St, Southali. From %Mm!8ti$ Of Sound, Matter of the Heart" I pm Basemen: KitcheS Weeks "aaah" - O. £5.50 FREE rickets ' rv> SatS Con Air 4,00 ; Central Library. Hail 3rd Rock From The Sun "Claims to have live uni- Sun9 KoJya 4V0 ICU Cinema Fellwanderers meeting in BBC2 9pm corns" * L'I if Sister Volcano 6pm the Souths* Upper "Dick fights for animal Tue i I Spawn 0 00 Tues-Fri 7:30pm Ray Re. - . Men In Black 8:30pm lounge-M ipm rights by liberating occu- ' S : ;: Sat 2pm 5pm 730pm Th.. G Lost H Concert Hall £2 Christian Union i «'mj pants of lobster tank" Sun 11 am 2pm Rolf Hams Cocktail Night underneath Beit Quad ER '.rtjvvails, Cheap booze, free entry Af< h in Bioio h VJ2,3 it Sky One. 10pm I Bar from 5pm 5 ij ' Fri 7th SOUTHERN COMFORT

4 ICU Bands Dust, Fold, Rekless Karnage, & Funk n Disorderly 1st banc EEntryB49 common people Indie sounds in dBs, plus cocktail bar & chill out room ^9-2. lam BarT £1/Free B4 9pm Sun 9th Standing Room Only Tues llth STA AA R TRIVIA DaVinci" crate of lager Weds I2t

Room one - party tunes for a mad for it crowd 9-1. Midnight Bar. FR6G B4 ll/BOp after. Thurs 13th CoclKitaiiill Nigiltiit men

iCU Another service from your students9 union

uni.ci >i I.I<;IIINII)K 26 FICTION 7 November 1997

The Man With The Ten Bob Note - Part Two A story by Buz Barstow

That of course was before now. desperate urge to preserve it. the mirror, it's something no one guage had developed to be useful in He'd been falling, that was for sure. The third day arrived again. has ever experienced before, and this situation. He'd now landed, and woken up on Fissures formed in the ground, the without a suitable reference frame, So, what was he to do? The a rock near a pool of hydrocarbons. sky turned red as the planet's you find it hard to discuss, even with antecedent man had a suggestion. It seemed awfully familiar, and when atmosphere intersected with vio- yourself. That he remain on the planet for a he cocked his head, he realised lently moving plasma. Two days had few iterations, and then get another why. The outpost was only a few given the man time to think about to do the same, and so on, forever hundred meters away, and there his place of hiding. A rock formation and ever. The idea had appeal, but it was a pod outside. He'd been res- lay about 500 meters away from the Every time he tried it, it was fruit- would sentence a part of the man to cued, they'd come just in time. It outpost, the survey team had less, he ended up ushering himself eternal imprisonment on this world. was unusually calm for the day of explored it, and their reports sug- off the moon, with or without the But, it was the best he, or is that reckoning though. Not wanting to gested that it might provide some woman, more times than cared to anyone, could come up with, so he argue he staggered back to the out- protection from the high velocity remember. took the suggestion for all it was post. It had been four hours since winds and lightning that now That was about 4 iterations worth. he climbed up to that elevation. scourged the moon, at least until worth. More than enough for any That wasn't the entire plan Strange then, that the clocks in help came. He'd set off earlier this one man. He'd given up being a pas- though. Well, only the first man the outpost should show it was the time, and had a chance to watch sive observer, hoping for rescue. knew really what the whole idea day of his arrival, 3 days earlier. That each stage of the death of the out- This time he would find out what was. In those 5 iterations of the didn't matter, the prospect of res- post. He gave life the best shot he was happening to him, and why. loop, the man had changed, he was- cue was more appealing than the could, but like the moon, he was His fourth 'death' was approach- n't the same man he was only 15 timing mystery. He wavered doomed. He imagined Bach's ing. He'd run out of time, he consid- days ago (if, in fact it was 15 days towards the landing pad. No rescue Toccata E Fugue in D minor as he ered ending it, by simply letting him- ago, rather than just 15 days worth party was there for him. The pod approached his confrontation with self die, but that wouldn't be good of atomic vibrations ago?). was his. He turned around, towards oblivion. There was no better way to enough. He'd have to fight it out like The first man climbed into the the lounge area. The door was improve his solitary death. He had- before. So again, he ran to the rock pod. The woman had died of her open, the lights were on. The n't given much thought to the to look for a hiding place. There was injuries several days ago, so there woman was on the red sofa he'd encounter with himself earlier, but no shelter, as before, just the strong was no need to worry about life sup- placed her on, and nearby was a as death became increasingly rebuttal of falling. port. He strapped himself in and man in a flight suit. It was him. inevitable, that seemed like the only began to initialise his inertialess It was him. He'd just walked in apt thing to fear. Not death itself, drive unit. The man he once was through the door. He, I, looked ter- but what happened to him before, began to close the hatch on him. He rible, covered in oily sludge. Can't and the possibility of repetition. The fifth iteration began. Waking up reached for a weapon in the cockpit be me. He looked startled. I looked He stuck his head above the in a primordial soup was becoming and fired at the other man's chest. startled. We raised our right hands. rocks one last time, to see if help tiresome. He looked for the out- Left a neat whole through it. No Can't be me. had arrived. The rocks were quite as post, and walked towards it. Once blood, it cauterized the wound The man in the new flight suit, stable as he'd hoped. Caught up in a again, he greeted himself, already instantly. He collapsed on the land- me? It is me? "Go, now, take the rolling land slide, operatic screaming having learnt how to introduce him- ing pad. The man closed the hatch woman!" I screamed. I don't know was the only thing that came to self to his antecedent self without himself. That was a mercy killing, to why I said that. It excluded me. mind. too much confusion. stop him going through the torment Perhaps I felt excluded already. This time though, he explained he'd faced. "Name? Rank? Serial number?" the situation to himself, and to that He fired the thrusters on the Shouted me. I gave them all to me. matter to his antecedent self. He bottom of the pod and accelerated Me agreed. 1 agreed too. "Who are Almost ashamed by his lack of con- was surprisingly glad to help him- upwards. Of course, the man didn't you?" Me shouted. I gave it a trol, the man pulled himself out of self. notice any of this, except the moments thought. the sludge lake that was nearby the The investigation comprised of a strange feeling that he should be "you" was all I could muster. "1 rock formation. He surveyed the resume of the events which led the feeling something as the clouds said take the woman and go!" I area, and again, the outpost had man to his current predicament. passed by ever faster. repeated. "There's no time to been reborn. The pod was parked Followed by downloading of the The pod entered a flight path explain." I picked up the woman's outside again. pod's sensor logs to the outpost's that would take it into orbit, and legs, and gestured him to take her It had all come full circle, like computer. from there, home. The pod planted shoulders. Me looked distrustfully at before. He ventured inside. Making As a scientific research station, itself into a geostationary orbit me, but he did as I suggested. no attempt to check that the pod the outpost had been built with a above the outpost, ready to make "There's only supplies for one on was his, as he was sure it was, he handsome array of instruments. its final orbital calculations. Getting the pod" me suggested. made his way to the lounge. Like Some had been left behind to get a from planet to planet was easy, it "Don't worry about it. Make it before, he stood there, as real as first person perspective on the had been done for centuries, getting last, just go. There is no more time. himself. Both considered for a break up of a solar system. This was from this moon to the mothership, Go!" I said. I ushered myself into the moment. He'd chosen self sacrifice plenty, at least he hoped. avoiding a black hole, a violently pod and closed the hatch behind and generosity on two previous The instruments detected what enraged solar wind, rapidly crum- him, watched as the pod climbed occasions. This time he was thinking they interpreted as a series of frac- bling asteroids and planets and a out of the atmosphere, and started differently. "Go, I don't have time to tures across the time - space con- plasma streamer was, well, a slight- to wait all over again. explain." tinuum. All of which, in a flight of ly harder computational puzzle. The You'd think that experience The other man, him, again fancy could leave this first man man had little doubt however of the would change the man's decisions demanded explanation, identifica- stuck in this loop. But in reality, flight computer's ability to perform over the next few days. It didn't. He tion. Something, to confirm what his probably wouldn't. Man alive! They these small miracles. played them out just as he had senses told him to be true. Meeting weren't gods, he weren't gods, to be before. Wasting time, followed by a yourself is more than just looking in more precise. Not even their lan- concluding part next week 7 November 1997 SPORT Heroic sporting melange Footie Running Rugger Results UMDS III v ICFC III ICXC v BRUNEL ICRFCII v Football We made our usual casual start but Imperial runners gave another GREENWICH)! Charing Cross 2 - 5 ICFC I (BUSA) eventually we got the important strong performance as the cross- UMDS HI 1-9 ICFC III (BUSA) breakthrough when Simon took on country league moved into the They were big, ugly and they smelt! QMW 5 - 0 ICWAFC their left back, cut inside and slot- deer populated Richmond Park. And we told them so! 1CWAFC 1 - 0 RFH ted it into the corner. We were Despite missing key personnel, IC The Seconds, having altered then denied a blatant penalty when made a strong challenge on the slightly this week, were again vic- Hockey John Silva was hacked down in the awesome Brunei. torious. Play was good, although ICHC 1 10 - 0 St Mary's area - the ref just looked away. I'd like to say Ben Hukins not to our usual magnificent stan- ICHC III 3 - 1 Charing Cross Things looked as though they were looked like a Greek god with his dard. The backs played well, how- ICWHC 14-1 Charing Cross about to turn nasty, but Andy long hair flowing behind, though 1 ever they're going to have to stop 1CWHC II 6 - 3 UMDS Murphy calmed things down with a can't because he looked like a girl rubbing 'vas' on their hands. The RSMHC 0 -1 QMW I thirty-yard screamer which was (he still came sixth). Chris Fishlock forwards had difficulty getting their RSMHC 4 - 0 SBLH too hot for their deeper to handle. may look like a choir boy but he arses over the rucks but both backs After some soul-searching at runs like a gazelle and finished and forwards got their acts togeth- Rugby half-time, we turned in a great sec- eighth. Demetrius, always the er and the team integrated, leading ond half. Darren scored quickly crowd's favourite, improved on his to some dominating moves which ICRFC II 15-7 Greenwich II after coming on and Tony surged last race to finish fifteenth. produced results. through to score another. Andy In the women's, Jenny Cox fin- Numerous players were com- Basketball Bellis stole in at the far post to ished and then read War and mended but good kicking from El King's 74 - 63 ICBC 1 (BUSA) head in another great corner deliv- Peace as the places came in. Capitan and noted work from QMW 83 - 92 ICBC I (BUSA) ered by James. Then the fireworks Bethan Hipewell made an impres- James Robinson (player of the ICBC I 80 - 52 UCH (BUSA) really started. Simon added anoth- sive return from injury to finish match) and too many others to ICBC II 70 - 59 RFH (ULU league) er to his season tally and Andy third. mention created space, time and CXWMS 57 - 66 ICWBC (ULU) Bellis finished off a lovely move to Once again IC took a large led the way to victory. QMW 24 - 56 ICWBC make it seven. John Copp scram- group of runners and all their per- Dave Best played well on the ICWBC 36 - 39 UCL (BUSA) bled another and Andy Murphy got formances were appreciated, wing making ground. Our game Fencing the ninth. especially the twelve-and-a-half needs work but we played consid- ICFC 24 - 3 King's Despite a late consolation goal stone beer monster (aka Grant) erably well. Bloody hell Eddie, we ICFC 15-12 QMW to deny Ricky another clean sheet, who was just pipped in a sensa- won again! Well done boys! ICWFC 8-10 King's we went home with the points to tional sprint finish. ICRFC II 15 - 7 Greenwich II ICWFC 3-15 QMW keep up their great record in (p.s. Don't forget training and Golf BUSA. races on Wednesday). 1CGC 2 - 4 Royal Holloway UMDH 1 - 9 ICFC III Basketba booster Skiing Editorial Saturday saw the first ski race of ICWBC v UCL King's I v ICBCI the season. Fielding nearly two What a busy week it has been, teams we set out in the hope of a cats and kittens. So much sport On Tuesday the ICWBC put an Fortunately for IC, the mistakes of top ten finish. After the first round and only two pages to put it all in. end to UCL's series of wins by the match against KCL were not of races we changed our ambitions Apologies to everyone who's beating them 39-36 in a crucial repeated. This time the IC tall guys to just finishing a race. reports aren't in this week - best ULU match. For our ladies, this were able to clear many rebounds In the second session of racing attempts will be made to include victory is a big step towards in tough conditions and there were Imperial I began to show their tal- everything relevant next week. becoming ULU league champions many more alternatives from the ent, by not just finishing, but win- I have had comments from for the second consecutive year. guards, too. Even though IC were ning races. By now all but two of several quarters about the fact Special credit goes to Anne- heading for most of the match us had been involved in accidents. that reports are being included a Gaelle P. whose particular devo- (first half ended 39-33 for IC), the Imperial II easily beat week after they have happened. tion to defence led to her being fouling out of Elias Iliadis and some Greenwich I. A joint Charing Cross From this week, the back page will was forced off the court by a hasty decisions at the last minutes I Imperial 1 UCL ladies team pro- be finalized on Tuesday evening nasty nose injury, and to Pat D. of the game gave the right to duced the best I.C. result of the and the second (and third?) page for her great shooting. Thanks QMW to almost win the match. night by finishing second in the on Wednesday, due to a new also to Zoe for great timekeep- The three shots of Guillermo San ladies league. printing schedule. What is needed ing. The girls are playing for the Miguel 40" before the end brought Particular praise must go to if the topicality of these pages is ULU cup, the ULU league, and the match to extra-time (73-73). Alex Z. for 'most spectacular crash to improve is more help. Thus, if should qualify shortly for the next There, IC being more determined of the night' (first and second you feel your sport is not being round of BUSA. If you are an and avoiding any mistakes won the place) and Gilles for "take it nice done justice then e-mail experienced basketballer and are match by a difference of nine and steady" just before crashing [email protected] and offer your help. interested in playing for the team, points which may save they from out against Charing Cross I. Finally - the hockey club is it might not be too late! Please any complications in their race to Anyone interested in racing for starting a fourth team, If interest- contact A.G. Pouille at the qualification for the knock- Imperial should contact Caitlin ed, contact Paul at p.bland@ic a.pouille@ic or 0171 589 7453. outs. ([email protected]) 01712446421 or ex.58989 ICWBC 39-36 UCL QMW I 83 - 92 ICBC I Imperial I 12th Dig it, Si & Jake. Imperial II 19th SPORT 7 November 1997 Rocks and eskimo rolls

A fairly normal late Friday depar- there was little to worry anyone, worry than us, as he spent a good down in the car park and getting ture, after the usual late attendance and so we had a good first run, while upside down before rolling. ready to paddle before 10 o'clock of the driver and thus the trailer, with only one swim (previous trips Most problems were found in the (no one noticed the clocks went led to a late arrival in Dartmoor, have netted about 10 swims in one shallow rocky sections, and Nicky's back an hour) on Sunday. mostly caused by large numbers of A little unauthorised Demo boat traffic cones. Finding the bunk barn borrowing led to Garth getting into empty of other people was a defi- trouble with the bloke in charge. nite bonus. After a good sleep, The day's first run was done at breakfast was accepted with mixed super speed, with no swims, and enthusiasm, those on their first trip minimal playing around (until the ignored the suggestions that they bottom, where jumping off the should eat all they could, clearly bridge was taken up by anyone failing to appreciate how long it loony enough), leaving us plenty of would be until tea time. time for a second. Not the most | With a little panic over how serious paddle ever, the Topo Duo I many paddles we had brought was wheeled out and our resident I along, and some minor distractions river psychos Colin and Sam went " in the form of a large trailer pro- charging down the river, until they claiming 'Dagger Boats - free trials', swam at Triple Falls. we managed to get on the river Anyone interested in joining Dart (after Garth floated his boat A canoeist eagerly rushing back for his dinner please mail us on slappers down on its own) to spend some @ic.ac.uk, or turn up to our time teaching Whitewater basics descent). The few good bouncy tangle with a tree won't be some- Tuesday session (7pm Beit Quad). before setting off. rapids were well negotiated, a cap- thing she wishes to repeat soon. Coming soon: Tyne Tour (7/8/9 At this water level (a bit low) size from Dean causing him less Quite by accident we were November), Polo vs ULU (2nd Nov) Footie sex-deities in orgy of gorgeousness

ICWAFC v RFH ICAFC IV v QMW IV QMW II v ICAFC II er Chris "Scouse" could do nothing about. Their team sensed that they At last a full team, with a last Although hoping for the season,s Despite a disgraceful pitch and a could hold on, and so did the ref minute random (ex-footie Bud first victory, the fourth's winless QMW student ref, with a virtually with his decisions becoming more "The Spod") flown in from Paris record was sadly intact at the final unchanged squad there was a and more blatantly biased as the to make up the numbers. whistle. This was a game we quiet confidence about our team. minutes went on. Martin was Tensions were running high, with should have won, indeed it was Unfortunately, just like last week, through on goal to break his four- Royal Free being evil hussies described as our worst ever result. led to some complacency and a game barren spell and was brought from last year. 5 minutes into Somewhat over the top, but it stupid early goal for them. The back by a ridiculous offside deci- the first half and Scribbler shot aptly describes the passion con- first half continued with Phil, Dan, sion. Pressure from the QMW play- and through sheer goalkeeping tained within the fourth's foot- Jesse and Loz in defence winning ers and the heckling of the sup- brilliance, the ball trickled though balling folklore, and after the game every header that came their way porters on the sideline was obvi- the keeper's legs. Pressure was the spirit was as good as ever. but the midfield and attack failing ously influencing the ref who insist- intense for the rest of the half, Captain Quick unfortunately to penetrate. The ref didn't seem ed on having a linesman to give off- but amazingly no more goals. received his marching orders from too bad and didn't mind both sides against our forwards, but not Lily and the Spod suffered facial the over-zealous official who teams kicking lumps out of each assigning a second in our half. injuries but we birds are so hard penalised the passionate player. other. In this game the cheats didn't they carried on playing. He was surely unfairly singled-out Captain Dan's half-time team- prosper, as Phil - who had been The second half saw a in a mass brawl at the final whistle. talk of "Get in the six-yard box, superb in defence all game - punt- change of keeper, Baldrick for The official thought that he had to lads" worked wonders and within ed the ball high into their area and Hacker Lyle and it has to be said take action and the captain seems ten minutes we had scored two it landed just in the top corner of the Royal Free attacks were as to have been the scape-goat. well-worked goals calmly finished the goal. Their defence was being scarce as their good looks. Wee Stuey spent the game on the side- by Pistol Pete - not a bad debut. ripped apart and finally killed off Marisa, Nadia, Amy, Jo and Lili line, and after stepping onto the With the defence still untroubled ten minutes before the end. Felix's pushed hard for the elusive sec- pitch one time too many bawling we began to push home with the long throw bisected their defend- ond goal but it never came. instructions was sent by the ref to midfield pushing forward - excel- ers and with an assured air Si put Staunch defending at the back the serenity of the changing rooms lent work from Felix, as usual, and a beautiful looping shot from over by Freud and Hedge ensured we for the previouly unheard-of crime also Steve who seems to be com- their advancing keeper. Surely the stayed ahead. of refusing to leave a football ing to terms with the physical goal of the season thus far. The birds first real win to pitch. All good fun, though. aspect of the English game. So, with three wins on the date. Now to get slaughtered on The goals were scored by Ryan, Patrick was fouled in the area on trot, a place in the next round of the Hammy Ten. Seriously, playing the best football of his one of his mazy runs but as he the cup, injured players returning though, a lot more commitment career and Mike, coming out of didn't fall over the ref declined to this Wednesday, good team spirit needs to be shown if we are retirement. Also, Darren "Darren" give us a penalty. Worse was to and a spectacularly good-looking going to get any results this sea- Boland in his first game since come. side, IC seconds go marching on son. But still, well done everyone! march wasn't very good. QMW equalized against the to glory. ICWAFC 1 - 0 Royal Free ICAFC IV 2 -2 QMW IV run of play with a goal that 'keep- QMW II 2 - 4 ICAFC II