volume 14 - issue 11 - tuesday, november, 12, 2013 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com by mikaelawaters by dustineagar Forgive me UVM, for I have sinned. After four years in a Catholic high Russia has been in the news quite a bit school and a subsequent lately. Allegations of skullduggery at the vow to never again partici- recent G-20 conference, a hardline stance pate in organized religion, against UN intervention into the humani- I confess to believing in a tarian crisis in Syria, an uncharacteristic higher power. Dare I say embrace of NSA leader Edward Snowden, it? After suffering through and a flex of military muscle in the Arctic countless masses, endless have combined with many other episodes religion classes, and a com- in recent years to elevate tensions between plete memorization of both Mother Russia and her capitalist cousins. the Hail Mary and the Our The house Stalin built has likened itself Father in Latin, I confess to that kid in your neighborhood who is to having a different reli- always getting in trouble—whenever the gion. This religion, power- name comes up you wonder what sort of ful enough to seize my heart half-witted shenanigans have irritated the and bring me back into the community this time. More recently, prob- fold, is Coffee. ably since mass protests erupted in Mos- As definitively sacrile- cow over allegations of election fraud in gious and questionably ab- December 2011, Russia has been throwing surd as this confession may a hissy-fit of global proportion. sound, my relationship with In September, the Russian Navy ar- coffee conforms to the basic rested 30 people at gunpoint aboard the structure of conventional re- Dutch-flagged ship “Arctic Sunrise”. Those ligion. According to a com- arrested included the crew, two reporters, pilation of online sources (I and Greenpeace activists protesting Rus- will use the “honor system” sian drilling in the Arctic, two of whom at- as a substitute for citations), tempted to board an oil rig. Russia charged religions share eight core the 30 with piracy, which carries a maxi- elements: an ancestral his- mum sentence of 15 years imprisonment. tory (a story), the belief in a Despite calls by the Netherlands for the activists’ immediate release, and assertions supernatural power, a mode Raking the splendid beans from the em- person may turn to that which is phenom- of worship, a place of worship, a system of by the international community that Rus- bers, he ground them into hot water and enal—a friend, a father, a savior. Jesus may sia is bound by treaty to cede jurisdiction rituals, the belief in and a mode of salva- birthed the fated first cup of coffee. have performed miracles, but coffee itself tion, the belief in the holy/sacred, and a to the International Tribunal for the Law of As demonstrated by the monk’s spiri- is a goddamn miracle. It’s happiness, love, the Sea, the arrestees are still stuck in the specification of sinful acts. tual awakening, coffee is a supernatural comfort (and maybe sex?) all in a mug. As is necessary for any legitimate reli- Gulag, a notoriously harsh Russian prison The method of worship in system. gion, I give you a badass Coffeeism is consumption. This story—Kaldi and his danc- In more recent news, Pussy Riot, the when consumed, the divine caffeine act can be performed anywhere, punk rock band known internationally for ing goats. One day, in the but the primary and official highlands of Ethiopia, their good looks, firm anti-Putin political transcends the confines of the dark place of worship is the café. It is stance, and provocative band name was Kaldi noticed his herd es- here that like-minded believers pecially giddy and frolic- ambrosia in which it rests, and diffuses back in the headlines last week. Nadezhda can gather to pay homage to the Tolokonnikova, last seen throwing up the prone after nibbling some glorious nectar in unity. This red “berries”. Dutiful as directly into the blood-stream – that’s deuces in the defendant’s cage and cur- worship is observed ritually rently serving a two-year prison term for always, Kaldi reported this through the making and drink- observation along with a pretty fucking magical. “hooliganism motivated by religious ha- ing of coffee. There is both the tred” after filming a music video entitled, few samples to a monk in ritual of timing (the morning, a local monastery. Not yet “Punk Prayer—Mother of God Chase Pu- mid-morning, afternoon etc.. tin Away!” has been transferred to a penal a believer, the monk was kind of a dick and power (cha-ching! The second ‘require- cup) and the ritual of creation (the adding just threw the berries into a fire. But, from colony in Siberia after complaining about ment’ of a religion). When consumed, the of the cream, the methodical stirring of the her harsh treatment in prison. The tropical the flame came the magnificent aroma of divine caffeine transcends the confines of two together etc..). The ritual is performed roasting coffee. Upon experiencing the Siberian winter will surely help cure Ms. the dark ambrosia in which it rests, and dif- with such frequency not because we are ad- Tolokonnikova’s health ailments—after all, soul awakening smell, the monk fell to his fuses directly into the blood-stream—that’s dicts and the situation is beyond our con- knees in reverence and subjugation to the it proved to do the trick for countless po- pretty fucking magical. In times of despera- trol (I totally don’t have a problem…) but litical prisoners before her. immense power (not really, but go with it). tion, when all earthly things have failed, a in an attempt to reach an enlightened state, ... read the rest on page 6 ... read the rest on page3 head shop reviews uvm hockey NSA belfies by annahill by davidanderson and by zackpensak colinwalker by marilynmora Dear writers, lauragreenwood and juliannaroen, with katjaritchie As the library liaison to the Honors College, I read your recent water tower essays with great inter- “What were you for Halloween?” “Cultural appropriation!”: This est. Your thoughtful essays, including the constructive criticism, are valuable to helping the Honors is old hat by now, but it’s still alarming how many premature #tbts College improve the student experience. Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts. and #latergrams depict tipsy, half-assed interpretations of “Na- tive American”, which pretty much amount to eyeliner war paint Best wishes, and, for the more ambitious, maybe a couple craft store feathers Patricia Mardeuz bobby-pinned to bleach-blonde locks. People seem to think that Library Associate Professor “tribal” gets a free pass, not making the mental leap that “being a Native American” is basically like scotch-taping the corners of their eyes so they slant outwards, or debuting a minstrel-style blackface Hey water tower guys! ensemble. You can’t “be” a race for Halloween. Not only is it horri- bly insensitive, it’s tacky as all hell. Fringe-y H&M crop tops do not I read November 5th’s article on Furries and I gotta say, marilynmora, I love you! xD Being one of historically accurate party garb make. those less than 10 furries at UVM, I’m glad someone finally understands and even chose to write about us! Needless to say, I have the article hung up in my room! Thanks for being awesome! Mid-Semester Slump: I’m the type of person who thrives on stress and gets hives when I have too much free time, so although it could Your fuzzy friend, be (fairly) said that I’ve brought this overexertion upon myself, I’m Jay Rodrigues still so goddamn tired that I just want to curl up in my bed with a bottle of NyQuil and not be awoken until Thanksgiving break. Being Dear Readers: Thanks for your continued support of the water tower! We love all your qualms, smothered by extended family members and consuming my body quips, queries and concerns, but it’s letters like this that warm our little hearts and make us feel like mass in carbs and tryptophan sounds like absolute bliss. The mid-se- we got it right. mester blues are heavily upon us all. Consider this an open apology to any professors who may be reading this for the utter uselessness Forever wanting you so bad, the wt Editorial Staff. of your students for the next few weeks. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get Gluten: It’s the bitchiest, whitest food sensitivity known to man. naked and fight the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Still, pretending that drunkenly inhaling peanut butter cookies won’t Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to make me writhe in intestinal agony doesn’t just make it disappear. [email protected] #sorrynot, digestive tract. Fuck you for making macaroni and cheese so painful.g the water tower. uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr _________________Editorial Staff with dannissim Editors-in-Chief Cait O’Hara Sarah Perda “As students’ use of social media is grow- “I have lots of clients that come here News Editor ing, there’s a whole variety of ways that col- and say, ‘I want to look like that man- Katja Ritchie lege admissions officers can use it…We have Around Town Editor nequin.’ I tell them, ‘O.K., then get an Rebecca Laurion chosen to not use it as part of the process in operation.” Reflections Editors making admissions decisions.” Stacey Brandt Phoebe Fooks - Venezuelan shop owner Yaritza Molina comments on - Beth A.