By Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus
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By Flip Kobler and Cindy Marcus © Copyright 2006, Pioneer Drama Service, Inc. Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that a royalty must be paid for every performance, whether or not admission is charged. All inquiries regarding rights should be addressed to Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., PO Box 4267, Englewood, CO 80155. All rights to this play—including but not limited to amateur, professional, radio broadcast, television, motion picture, public reading and translation into foreign languages—are controlled by Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., without whose permission no performance, reading or presentation of any kind in whole or in part may be given. These rights are fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America and of all countries covered by the Universal Copyright Convention or with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations, including Canada, Mexico, Australia and all nations of the United Kingdom. COPYING OR REPRODUCING ALL OR ANY PART OF THIS BOOK IN ANY MANNER IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN BY LAW. On all programs, printing and advertising, the following information must appear: 1. The full name of the play 2. The full name of the playwright 3. The following notice: “Produced by special arrangement with Pioneer Drama Service, Inc., Englewood, Colorado” THE BROTHERS GRIMM: OUT OF ORDER By FLIP KOBLER and CINDY MARCUS CAST OF CHARACTERS (In Order of Speaking) # of lines PRODUCER ...............................high-strung drama student 50 on the verge of a breakdown DIRECTOR.................................hip, cool and totally clueless 25 about live theater CHARLIE ...................................stage manager who 10 somehow always knows everyone’s needs before they do HOWARD……………………….....wears a duck costume 4 RAPUNZEL ................................diva with an ego the size of 30 large planetary moons PRINCE CHARMING ...................suave guy with Mafi a family 48 ties; a Goombah in training (aka Tony) HANSEL ....................................method actor in love with 30 Gretel GRETEL ....................................jealous girl who adores her 25 Hansel STAGE MOTHER ........................Josette and Marsha’s mother; 29 Cinderella’s evil stepmother JOSETTE ...................................evil daughter of Stage Mother; 25 star wannabe who plays part of Cinderella but has absolutely no talent MARSHA ...................................Josette’s sister; a brainiac 16 who knows everything about literature CINDERELLA .............................aka Cindy; sweet, innocent girl 33 who serves her stepfamily with utter devotion; understudy for the part of Cinderella; a klutz JORINGEL .................................sarcastic, bitter actor who 24 hates his part, the show, the business, etc. iii For preview only JORINDA ...................................giddy girl thrilled to be in 18 the show SINGING TELEGRAM ..................delivers a singing telegram 2 WILL GRIMM .............................pragmatic writer who likes happy 39 endings and fl uffy bunnies JAKE GRIMM .............................Will’s brother; also a writer; 41 loves blood, guts and gore PRINCIPAL GUFFMAN .................hard-edged principal who sees 5 no value in the arts GUFFMAN’S ASSISTANT .............Guffman’s obedient little helper 5 with dreams of her own DIRECTOR’S ASSISTANT(S) ........sycophant willing to serve the 2 director; as many as desired SET DESIGN The play uses area staging to depict three locations—a forest, the gingerbread castle and Cinderella’s cottage. These sets can also be done with backdrops. The gingerbread castle can be represented by two short columns, a banner or backdrop with some indication of edible parts (such as lollipops stuck to them), UP RIGHT. Next to the castle is a platform with stairs to represent the tower. UP LEFT is the cottage, which can be represented with a couple of chairs and a table. The forest is the open space DOWNSTAGE. This area is also where the action that is not part of the play-within-a-play takes place. There are two director’s chairs FAR DOWN RIGHT. Sets can be entire set pieces if your budget will allow. Let your imagination soar, you can’t get too big. You also can’t get too small. The show works just as well on a simple black-box stage with no sets of any kind. As the play depicts a show that’s being thrown together, the set does not need to be anything elaborate. Part of the fun of this show is that it can be as simple or complex as your space, talent, time and budget allow—in terms of set, costuming, lighting, etc. The production has been successfully launched several times using alternative staging with platforms and periactoids. For details about this alternative set, see PRODUCTION NOTES. iv PHOTOCOPYING THIS SCRIPT BREAKS FEDERAL COPYRIGHT LAWS For preview only THE BROTHERS GRIMM: OUT OF ORDER 1 A lone GHOST LIGHT GLOWS DIMLY ONSTAGE. JORINDA and JORINGEL are somewhere in the AUDIENCE. Suddenly, the back doors of the auditorium open. PRODUCER and DIRECTOR march through the AUDIENCE towards the STAGE. DIRECTOR is completely calm while 5 PRODUCER is trying to juggle a dozen jobs at once. She is on two cell phones and is covered in sticky notes. When they get to the stage, PRODUCER mimes turning on the stage lights, and LIGHTS COME UP FULL. PRODUCER: (Into the phone.) I don’t know. I’m just getting to rehearsal 10 now. I’m here with the director. DIRECTOR: Who’s that? Tell him I said hi. PRODUCER: (Into the phone.) That’s a prop question, ask Ro. (To DIRECTOR.) Where’s my script? (Into the other phone.) That’s a costume question, ask Mickey. (Pulls off sticky notes as she speaks.) 15 I’ve got mics on order, a call in about lights. I have no idea about sound effects. (To DIRECTOR.) And where’s my script? DIRECTOR: Will you chill about the script? Scripts are overrated. PRODUCER: (Shocked.) Oh, my... (Into both phones.) I’ll call you back. (Hangs up phones. To DIRECTOR.) Listen to me. I spent the entire 20 theater budget to get this show off the ground. We have the principal coming to see this production, and if he doesn’t like it, he will close down the entire theater department. And I have yet to see a script. DIRECTOR: My dad directed two episodes of “Survivor” and half 25 a season of “Cops” (or other reality TV shows). Never used a script. PRODUCER: That’s reality television. This is live theater. DIRECTOR: There’s a difference? PRODUCER: Oh, no. I need Charlie. (CHARLIE ENTERS RIGHT before 30 his name is called. PRODUCER and DIRECTOR are now ONSTAGE.) Charlie! CHARLIE: (Commands as he EXITS RIGHT.) Company on stage! Let’s go people. Company on stage. PRODUCER: Oh, he’s good! 35 HOWARD: (ENTERS LEFT and moves UPSTAGE, dressed as a duck.) I’m here. PRODUCER: Wh-a-who-ah— Who are you? HOWARD: I’m the duck. PRODUCER: Why are you here? 1 For preview only 1 HOWARD: I’m here for the taping. DIRECTOR: Who-hoooo! PRODUCER: (To DIRECTOR.) There is no taping. This is live theater. (Back to HOWARD.) I asked for duct tape. Not a duck for taping! 5 The vent is broken. It’s like 1,000 degrees in here. (To anyone who will listen.) Is anybody else hot? Oh, no, I’m going to pass out. That’s it—they’re going to fi nd me dead. Sweating. With no show. My epitaph will be, “She produced nothing but sweat.” (To HOWARD.) Aren’t you hot in that duck suit? (HOWARD EXITS LEFT 10 as CHARLIE ENTERS RIGHT, carrying a battery-operated squirt bottle fan, which he hands to PRODUCER. RAPUNZEL and PRINCE CHARMING ENTER.) RAPUNZEL: Charlie! When am I going to get my hair? For goodness sake, I need my hair! Where’s the director? 15 DIRECTOR: I’m right here, precious. RAPUNZEL: Well, la-dee-dah. You’re here, but my hair isn’t. I need to work with my hair. (To PRINCE CHARMING.) Tony, what’s the line? PRINCE CHARMING: Yo. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. RAPUNZEL: Let down my hair. Where’s my hair? 20 PRODUCER: (Scribbles on sticky notes and sticks them to herself.) Hair, got it. I’ll get your hair, if someone will get me a script. HANSEL: (ENTERS LEFT with GRETEL, holding hands and snuggling. A cavity-inducing, love-struck couple.) I dreamed about you last night. GRETEL: I dreamed about you all night. 25 HANSEL: I dreamed about you all night and thought about you at breakfast. GRETEL: I dreamed about you all night, made pancakes in little you- shapes and— (Whispers something in his ear. HANSEL giggles. They Eskimo kiss.) 30 PRODUCER: Whoa. Okay, I need you guys to separate. This is just wrong. HANSEL/GRETEL: Why? PRODUCER: Because you’re Hansel and Gretel, okay? You’re brother and sister. 35 GRETEL: Not in real life. PRODUCER: This is theater. There is no real life. And we are not the Hicksville Community Players. Split. HANSEL: (He and GRETEL move apart slowly, still reaching for each other.) I’ll miss you. 40 GRETEL: I miss you already. 2 For preview only 1 HANSEL: Missing you more. STAGE MOTHER: (ENTERS RIGHT with JOSETTE, MARSHA and CINDY, who carries an umbrella and a bunch of grooming products [hand mirror, hairspray, makeup, etc.] for her step-sister, JOSETTE.) Excuse 5 me. Is that the biggest dressing room you’ve got? I mean, since my daughter is playing the lead, she should have the biggest dressing room. RAPUNZEL: The lead? Hello? Rapunzel. STAGE MOTHER: She’s Cinderella. That’s the lead. 10 RAPUNZEL: Did she do a touring company of Annie? Was she in a Jell- O commercial? Did she come this close to getting Hairspray but wasn’t fat enough? Rapunzel is the lead. Where’s the script? PRODUCER: This is what I’m saying. DIRECTOR: Take it easy.