YOU SHALL KNOW our zine making techniques Deep Thoughts on Zines from The Inner Swine i ii YOU SHALL KNOW our zine making techniques Deep Thoughts on Zines from The Inner Swine iii Copyright © 2004 by Jeff Somers except where noted otherwise, dammit. ISBN: 0-9713719-3-8 “YOU SHALL KNOW our zine making techniques” is a collection of zine-related articles which originally appeared in The Inner Swine (PO Box 3024, Hoboken, NJ 07030; ISSN: 1527-7704), on The Inner Swine website www.innerswine.com, and in Xerography Debt, which is a grand zine published by Davida Gypsy Breier (PO Box 963, Havre de Grace, MD 21078; http://www.leekinginc.com/xeroxdebt). The Inner Swine is a magazine published March, June, September, and December by Oinking Sow, Inc. (There is no company, really.) Subscription rates and such can be found in the back of this book, in case you’re wondering, but stop teasing me, you’re never going to order a subscription, you heartless bastards. Free trades are absolutely entertained; send me something, and I will mail you treats. Treats, of course, can and will be defined in any way we decide at the moment we receive your mailing, and can and probably will include any one of the following: Food, pocket lint, foreign currency, pictures of ourselves, old issues of TIS no one wanted in the first place, broken gadgets, toys, and electronics, mail art, or stickers. We don’t want submissions. Still, if The Voices In Your Head insist, all submissions or requests for guidelines (there are no guidelines, though) must be accompanied by S.A.S.E. Misty Quinn (left) appears in all TIS-related front matter for no particular reason and we assume this pleases her, though it’s always possible it angers her and she is plotting our demise as we write this. By the way, the characters, places, incidents, and situations in this book are imaginary and have no relation to any person, place, or actual happening. Except for the following people: Jeof Vita, Rob Gala, Ken West, Misty S. Quinn, Danette “The Duchess” Somers, Cassie Carey, Mex Carey, Lauren Boland, Loretta Somers, Sean Somers, and Jeff “Captain Fantastic” Somers. Those people are real and should be feared. Cover art © 2004 by Jeof Vita. Printed by Tower Records in the USA iv TABLE OF contents Preface ix ZINE THEORY 101 The Five Stages of a Zine Publisher’s Life 3 Zine Rebel or Zine Elvis? Or Something In-Between? 7 Ten Things That Annoy Me about my Fellow Zine Publishers (In No Particular Order) 11 30 ISSUES to GREATNESS The Inner Swine Timeline 1995-2003 15 TO DIE. IN THE RAIN What Kind of Writer Are You, Anyway? 19 STEAL THIS ZINE 23 PRACTICAL ZINE STUFF YOU SHALL KNOW our zine making techniques How The Inner Swine Gets Made 31 Free as in Beer Laying Out a Zine on a PC At No Cost? 37 Dance With a Hand in My Pants How I Produce 60 Pages of Quality Shit for Cheap 45 Mr. Mute’s Guide to Making a Zine 49 QUICK & DIRTY E-PUB Be a Fucking E-Publisher If You Want: Do It For Free, Yo 53 COLUMNSCOLUMNSCOLUMNS MORE SHIT I GOTTA DO from www.innerswine.com My History of Zining Publish Your Own Book, Why Not? 61 vii Persistence of Zining 65 I Am Fucking Rich 68 Number 288 of 324 Precious Little Zines 71 Why Must We Stay Where We Don’t Belong? Is DIY Publishing Too Interesting to Ever Be Big? 73 I’ve Got Nothing to Say, I Hope You Have a Nice Day I Love My PO Box 75 Don’t Write for Me, Please! 77 Page 43 Messes with Texas 79 Time Dilation May Impede Zine 81 The James A. Farley Post Office Building been Very, Very Good to Me Automated Postal Machines Confuse the Masses 84 IT MEANS IT’S WANK from Xerography Debt #1: WHY I LOVE BAD REVIEWS 87 #2: PERSONA NON GRATA 90 #3: NO BITCHING ZONE 92 #4: THE LONG DARK TEA TIME OF THE SOUL 94 #5: THE PRICE OF EVERYTHING AND THE VALUE OF NOTHING 97 #6: A WORLD OF PEOPLE COOLER THAN ME 100 #7: FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT 102 #8: ZINE SUPERSTAR 104 #9: DO NOTHING, SAY NOTHING, AND BE NOTHING 106 #10: THE HUMORLESS 108 #11: STUBBORN IGNORANCE 110 Glossary 115 viii PREFACE PEOPLE who don’t publish zines frighten and confuse me. I wonder what they do with their time—probably attending Communist Party meetings, wearing the sporty little hats communists prefer (see figure 1). I also wonder how they spend their money—probably purchasing kittens and puppies for their decadent and evil feasts. Most of all, I wonder what they do with all the office supplies they come into contact with on a daily basis—probably they waste them on boring, unamerican things like financial reports, PowerPoint slides, and, of course, pornography. These people puzzle me, because I’ve long thought that everyone ought to be publishing zines. All of you. Yes, you. If you’re not publishing a zine, you’re something scientists like to call a Weenie. Figure 1. Sporty I shouldn’t warn you about this, of course, because your little hat well- strange reluctance to do your American duty by publishing a zine known communists has the odd effect of increasing my Cool Factor. I owe you a debt wear of gratitude, just like I ower a debt of gratitude to a kid we called Slow Walter back in grammar school, who made me look like a genius every time he opened his mouth. Because the Zine gene pool is so small, I manage to look pretty damn cool when compared to your typical Zine Publisher (see figure 2), whereas if all of you jumped into the water I’d quickly drown, as I’m that kid with the shoulder floaties strapped on, blinded by the chlorine Figure 2. and peeing into the water uncontrollably. But because you lack Typical Zine the simple red-blooded desire to fart your every thought onto Publisher paper and mail it out to an uncaring world, I look pretty good when compared to the typical Zine Publishers out there. Of course, nothing attracts people to communism like laziness, and I can already here some of you pinkos out there claiming you don’t publish a zine because you aren’t a very good writer, or don’t enjoy writing very much, or are iliterate. Bollocks—sorry to burst your bubble, comrade, but not all zines are filled with the tightly-packed handwriting of psychopaths and terrorists— JEFF SEZ: “Thus launching a zine and yourself into good old-fashioned American service to your fellow man, who desperately needs things to read in the bathroom.” although I’ll admit that most, indeed are. Many zines are filled with photos, ix poetry, or artwork, and some have very few words in them at all. Or at least very few correctly spelled words, spelling and grammar being a trap The Man has set up to keep us down. So a lack of writing ability or ambition is no excuse. Every gun-toting, steak- eating American has a duty to publish underground pamphelts and magazines at their own expense. If you don’t publish, the Terrorists win. Don’t claim you don’t have the time, either. I know people. I am people. And we people have tons of free time. I think the basic misunderstanding here is that being entertained is not a requirement. Just because you’ve got sixteen hours of The WB television TiVoed doesn’t mean you have no time to put out a zine. We’re only given so much time on this Earth, and if you think it’s wise to spend a huge proportion of that time watching television, well, then, go with god—just remember, when you watch TV, you watch with Commies. But publishing a zine is a much better use of your time, JimBob, trust me, and here’s why. 1. Zines offer you perhaps the only way you’re ever going to leave a mark on history. Most people skate through life with no bigger accomplishment than surviving their 21st birthday and the gauntlet of ill-advised booze their ‘friends’ make them consume. If you think the good folks at Duffy’s bar in your old college town are going to remember you for having survived 22 Tequila Fanny Bangers, you’re sadly mistaken. Spend a few years writing about Tequila Fanny Bangers, like I have, and the world eventually gets to know you as the Tequila Fanny Banger guy. I have that printed on my business cards, by the way. 2. Zines will make you cool. No, really. The funny thing about nerdy things like writing and publishing zines is that somewhere between junior high and adulthood, they transmorgrify into cool. This is because all the cool kids back in school were so busy being cool they forgot to pay any attention and learn anything, so when they’re thirty-five anyone with the ability to write coherently or program their computers takes on the mystic aura of a magician. 3. Publishing a zine often results in perfect strangers sending you cash in the mail. No, really. There you have it, my Red friend, all the reasons you need to march home immediately, scrawl some bad poetry, ill-informed opinion, and lame fiction on some paper and copy it a few hundred times, thus launching a zine and yourself into good old-fashioned American service to your fellow man, who desperately needs things to read in the bathroom.