Deens bulldo last liumah ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH WOMAN SPEAKS OUT "Ooooooooowaaaaaa hhhhh- hhooooooowahhhhh," said love­ ly Mrs Mabel Plinge, 24, of Alma Park Zoo yesterday. Mrs. Plinge was protesting the fact that she has had an. The last human being in New crew and deportment school, the identified, was obstructing tlie electric toothbrush stuck in Farm was bulldozed yesterday Deen Brothers. construction of the new memori­ her mouth for 20 years. evening by notorious wrecking The human, who is yet to be al garden for Ed Casey's leg on "It's a disgrace," said Mrs the old Wool Store site. Plinge's husband, unemployed Also planned for the new site bachelor Mr Noran Gronkle, 104 are a casino, a bingo hall (right), as he was led away by and a three-hectare RSL club con­ police for violating Section (a) taining 10 million pokies, all to be paragraph (b) subsection 367 housed in the Solar System's of the criminal code. tallest builiding. Says developer "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaao Bruce "Grisly" Adams, "it's gonna oooooooooooooooohhhhhhh- be one big building, and you hh," said Mrs. Plinge, might even be able to see it from "ooooooooowahhhhhhhh." behind the Newstead gas tanks." Demidenko makes public apperance Noted novelist and comedienne her picture, "as long as it's real­ Helen Demidenko-Garbage was seen ly big and on the front page." brandishing a chainsaw in the Ms Demidenko-Garbage is streets of Brisbane yesterday. understood to be working Bouncers assist at swimming lesson "Where's that bastard Bentley, on a new novel, about the Local nightclub bouncers youngster Eric Punguson, 4, as I want to chop his head off and Spanish conquest of the Aztecs. Roach, 22, and Bogga, 365, helped he was enthusiastically thrown shove his WalWey up his arse," She is changing her a leam-to-swim class at the into the latrine by Roach and she said. name to Helen Montezuma in Burpengary public latrine Bogga. Ms Demidenko-Garbage refused preparation. yesterday. Eric is expected to be out of to speak to us but she let us take "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh," cried hospital by Christmas. wouldn't want to your choice I anyway* THE TECHNICAL STUFF THAT NOrONE EVER READS , '' (so why do we even bot'her?) .. i Issue: number I.February 1996 Pages: 44 Editors: (in order of appearance) Marcus Brown, Arthur Chrenkoff, Justin Kerr, Marcus Salisbury Desktop publlsliing: Rulh David Layout: Gary Burton Advertising: Kerrod Trott (041117 4713) Printed: Australian Provincial Newspapers MIndreaders: UrI Geller Contributors: Jasmine Waters, Marcus Salisbury, Maleha Newaz, Justin Kerr, Noctavier, Marcus Brown, Clay Djubal, Arther Chrenkoff, Andrew Duguid, Chrissa Georgiades, Helen Zeiinski, George, Annataija Dankovlch, Mike O'Toole, K.W., Kerry Alyssa Woodcock, Nick, Victoria, Adam Gallagher, Walt, D.B., Ami Lee, Collette du Montier, Sebastian, S. "Semper Floreat" is brought to you by the University of Queensland Student Union (or so they say; the truth is we are merely a front for an insidious group of Elvis imper­ sonators who want to take over the world. They have been known through history as the Knights Templars, the llluminati. Home Brewers Association of Queensland, the CIA and the Really-Bad-People-Who- -Want-To-Take-Over-The-World Society). Our publisher is Her Majesty Jody Thompson. She is responsible for everything, Honest. Address: Semper Floreat, UQ Student Union, University of Queensland, St Lucia Q 4067. Telephone: (07) 33772237 Fax: (07) 33772220 (indicate it's for ^Semper") Intemal: extension 237. E-Mail: the modem Is stuffed so not yet By foot: we are told we are situated within the Union Complex. As you pass by the Main Refec go down the stairs and lum right (always): go past the Commonwealth Bank and the Bike Shop. You'll find us squeezed between the Finances and Clubs'n'Socs By teleportation: Beam me up, Scottie! The copyright of all the malerials that appear on those wonderful pages Is with us lor the period of 28 days. After that it vests in the noble contributors. After following year and a half Ihe copyright reverts to the Crown and can be leased or claiined under the Native Title Act (Cth) 1994, s.53(2), We here at "Semper" are happy to inform you that you have just wasted 2 minutes •' *•'.".. ':.*^"'i •"••^ THEY'RE TO THE LEFT OF SOM Welcome to Semper for 1996! Those did sweet FA from 1993 onward (memo to of you whose experience of Semper Maya: putting new seats in the is limited lo the eamest irrationality of coffee shop is hardly the Dayton acco'd, and previous years (with the exception of the tlie pigeons never left the main refec. nice 1994 version) may be surprised to Doing nothing's just so bloody expensive, find coherent articles that have nothing to isn't it?) do with marijuana, modernism or "magic." Due to "Vital's" infantile behaviour, The layout's going to be fairly conven­ the preparations for O-Week and all that it tional (ie, every page the righ: way up) and involves (the diary, Toga PArty, Venus we're going to do our very best to Rising cabaret) have been set back four bring Semper to you on budget and on weeks. That's something to bear in mind if schedule (heresy!) the remnants ofthe "Vital" left start whining Furthermore, we positively encourage about how tacky O-Week was: the fact is, contributions from all students. We pay anything crappy about O-Week is entirely handsomely for contributions, whether they due to the time-wasting of last year's Exec. be articles, reviews of all kinds, poems As you can see, it'd be sort of hypocritical and short stories. for them to shit-stir about how their own Getting this edition together was a bit| doings stink to high Heaven. easier than dreaded, but it would have been "Ordinary students" shouid be even better if we'd had lots of stuff from informed of the "Vital" Union's behaviour lots of people. Next time, maybe? If the Maya and Michael Show had had Things would have been better if it hadn' their way, so I'm told, the Left'd still be holed have been for the completely reprehensible up in the Union building, pending a Supreme behaviour of the outgoing 1995 "Vital" Union exec Court injunction to flush them out. The bottom Put briefly, they cried foul over the 1995 line is that students have, for three years, been result (their main beef being, apparently, that the election nknowingly ripped off, taken for grantee and was a dud because they lost i;) and refused to vacate the Union misrepresented by an ill-kempt cabal of building until December 20 (the actual change-over date being /elling pseudo-socialist brats. The changeover fiasco was December 7). Acting "Vital" President and 1995 election loser their last fling, for the time being. Just make sure you make an Caldwell agreed to let us Semper Editors take over our office, and changed his informed chioce in this year's September elections, if you've not been mind a week later, As a result of this ridiculous dithering, the Semper oflice lay idle irrevocably turned off student politics by the renatmouth crap of the last three for weeks, almost as big a waste as the "Semper in Sound" CDs (most of which are years. I'm sure there are enough sensible, thoughtful people on the Left to make still in a cupboard in the Finances office) on which the "Vital" Union managed to co-operation possible, if they'd only can the Mickey Maoist Club nutcakes. piss away $8000, And don't ask us for them, either: we're having nothing to do with The loons have had their chance, and they blew it. them, and it's not like they sound like anything more than a truck full of porcelain That's the background to this first, O-Week edition of Semper for toilet bowls being overturned by a horde of feral cats wielding electric hedge 1996. Politics aside, we'd like to thank the guys of C Floor at Union College in '95, trimmers. especially Kent and Randy, for their support": we'll always wear it. According to 1995 Leftie Union President, IVIaya Stuart-Fox, the Left are always The C-me were invaluable on the campaign trail; and and we'd never have a "vocal and effective opposition." (Hence the lowlife who wrote "right wing fuck won as well as we did without them or their homebrew. Thanks also to heads" on s sign on our office door recently: nice one, anus face). As long as one Grant Muller and especially to Dave Bolton, without whom "Pulp Fiction" would be defiiies "vocal and effective" as playing chicken with the changeover date (and, by a film I've still not seen. extention the democratic right of every student on this goddam Finally, Semper's only as good as its contributors. We'd like to get as campus) and, lest we forget, kneeing groins and emptying drinks over people at the many people as possible writing for us. We need general articles, short stories and changeover dinner. Oh, and buggering off to Melbourne for Christmas and poetry, reviews of pubs, clubs, CDs, restaraunts and videos. We'll also be looking to letting the decisive Mr. Caldwell preside over the "changeover chicken" game as a appoint a few semi-official sub-editors. At some time this year consolation prize. Does behaving like a moral and intellectual choko bring us "one we'll most likely be obliged to put together a Womens' Semper, and we'd step closer :o Revolution?" Probably, but don't worry folks, Maya and her friends will like to hear from all University Women, not just the few responsible for the be as destructive, disruptive and generally indignant on your behalf as "All Men Are Bastards" crap in last year's version.