GLEE “Sadie Hawkins Dance” Written by Marcos Luevanos Marcos Luevanos (626) 485-2140 [email protected] ACT ONE INT. SCHUESTER APARTMENT -- LIVING ROOM -- DAY We hear the sound of a ticking clock. WILL and TERRI sit on the couch in silence, a significant gap between them. WILL I thought we were meeting with a therapist. PULL BACK to reveal KENDRA sitting across from them, wearing glasses and holding a notepad. KENDRA If “The Marriage Ref” has taught us anything, it’s that marital problems are best solved with a sassy quip. That, and Kelly Ripa looks like a Slim Jim in a shift dress. TERRI You know we can’t afford professional help right now. WILL This is far from the next best thing! KENDRA Don’t have an aneurysm, Will. I know what I’m doing! Kendra removes a book from her purse titled, “So You Lied About Your Pregnancy.” Will rolls his eyes as she reads. KENDRA (CONT’D) “The best way to mend a broken relationship is to revisit how it forged.” TERRI That’s easy, I fell for Will sophomore year when we went to the Sadie Hawkins dance together. KENDRA I remember that. Didn’t you ask Robbie Carter first? Jesus H. Cheeseburgers, he was cute! WILL Whoa, is that true?! 2. TERRI Technically...yes, but I only asked him because he was popular, and I thought that meant something then. WILL I don’t believe this! TERRI You were who I was supposed to go with. You were my destiny. WILL Our entire relationship is based on me being your second choice. TERRI (mutters) I know the feeling. WILL What are you talking about? TERRI That bug-eyed, ginger bobblehead Emma Doonesbury. WILL Pillsbury. KENDRA Will, are you seeing someone? Because according to this thing, (reading) “...being involved at this time clouds your judgement.” WILL What?! No! Look, I have to go, my lunch break is almost over. Will stands to exit. TERRI Will... Terri stands, situating them face-to-face. TERRI (CONT’D) I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her even though she lied about being his baby mama. 3. He awkwardly hugs her, exits. KENDRA That went well. TERRI I know Will like the back of my hand and that woman is definitely in the picture. If only I could prove it. He’d feel so guilty, he’d have to give this marriage a second chance. KENDRA There’s only one way to find out. Kendra removes a business card from the book, hands it to Terri. It reads, “Magnum P.I. Supplies.” They stare at each other mischievously for a beat. SMASH TO TITLES INT. CHOIR ROOM -- AFTERNOON Will stands before a whiteboard, writes the word “Unity.” WILL Unity -- something you guys lost on your way to sectionals. The GLEE CLUB appears shamed. PUCK We pulled it together and won, didn’t we? WILL Yeah, but it was a pretty close call. RACHEL Too close. (to glee club) The inability to rehearse ad nauseam beforehand meant I wasn’t at my best. WILL I know you’re all on okay terms, but “okay” isn’t gonna cut it if we want to win regionals. 4. MERCEDES The judges could tell we were at odds -- like Destiny’s Child in the late nineties. Will passes out sheet music. WILL Which is why, this week, you guys will be singing a song about seeking forgiveness. SANTANA (reading) “If I Could Turn Back Time?” KURT Mr. Schue, with all due respect to you and one of my most beloved divas, isn’t that song a little...old? The club MURMURS in agreement. WILL Guys, this is an amazing song written by the legendary Diane Warren. FINN Who? RACHEL “Because You Loved Me,” “How Do I Live,” “I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing.” FINN Oh, Diane Warren. WILL The foremost authority on penning love songs, she actually admits to never having been in love herself. ARTIE Then how is it her songs sound so genuine? She hasn’t experienced anything in them. RACHEL Lyrics are merely the outline of a song. (MORE) 5. RACHEL (CONT'D) It is the performer who must complete writing it via sincere emotion in their vocals. WILL Bingo. PUCK You want us to write with our voices? Sounds kinda gay. The club JEERS Puck. WILL Call it what you want -- I’m trying to get you all to bury the hatchet. MERCEDES It’s kind of like putting a Band- Aid on a broken bone. QUINN Can’t we make amends with a song written after we were born? The club agrees enthusiastically. WILL You know, I kind of love the fact you all hate it so much. Think of it as something to bond over. INT. TEACHER’S LOUNGE -- MORNING Will and EMMA sit at their usual table. He drinks coffee as she polishes an antique broach. EMMA Isn’t that only going to drive them further apart? WILL I honestly don’t know. I just wish everything could go back to the way it was before sectionals -- before the chaos started. She’s visibly hurt by this, as they weren’t together then. She pins the broach to her sweater. 6. EMMA Well, just keep in mind -- you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him get along with the other horses once he gets there. He smiles, splits a nearby doughnut in half using his bare hands, places one half on a napkin near her. WILL Thanks. She stares at it in fear, her germaphobia still disrupting their relationship. SUE enters, approaches. SUE Well if it isn’t Brangelina. You know, you two are being as subtle about this relationship as a Bob Mackie costume. WILL That’s enough, Sue. SUE I just think it’s tacky, seeing as how you’re still technically married, but far be it from me to judge -- the closest thing I’m having to a relationship is using my vibrator while watching “The O’Reilly Factor.” WILL What is your point? SUE Figgins put me in charge of the Sadie Hawkins dance, as I embody the spirit of its feminist namesake, and I need teachers to chaperone. What better way to flaunt your lack of moral decency than by accompanying each other under the guise of occupational encumbrance? WILL We’re not together, so drop it! You might have Figgins wrapped around your finger, but it wouldn’t take much to go over his head and send you on a permanent vacation. 7. SUE If your voice were a few registers lower, I’d say that sounded like a threat. He reaches for a nearby sugar dispenser. Sue snatches it from the table before he can, exits. SUE (CONT’D) I’ll see you two lovebirds Saturday night. Be there, or be gossiped about. WILL How does she always know exactly what to say to annoy me beyond belief? EMMA Will, why did you deny our being together? WILL I just...don’t think it’s any of her business. EMMA Why didn’t you just say that? He is at a loss for words. EMMA (CONT’D) Let me know when you figure it out. She pushes the untouched doughnut half toward him, walks off. INT. SUE’S OFFICE -- DAY Sue sits at her desk, rotates CHINESE MEDITATION BALLS in the palm of her hand. SUE I’ve got poking at the bruise that is his personal life covered, let’s hear what he’s got going on professionally. Santana and BRITTANY sit across from her. SANTANA He’s making the glee club sing a Cher song and everyone hates it. 8. SUE Ah, the warbled, incoherent bellows of my fellow half-breed. Why her? BRITTANY He says it’s because we’re infighting, but I keep telling him - - we’re in Lima. SANTANA He’s trying to get us all to bury the hatchet before regionals. SUE Ladies, I’m gonna level with you -- I’m using the dance as a Trojan horse to bring down Will Schuester and that migraine-inducing glee club once and for all. BRITTANY Whoa! (beat) Sorry, I just didn’t see that coming. SUE Our strategy? Divide and conquer so the last thing they’ll be able to sing about is “unity.” Santana, do everything you can to come between the Annette and Frankie of the group. SANTANA Consider it done. SUE Brittany-- Brittany tilts her head, smiles at Sue for a beat. SUE (CONT’D) You look very pretty today. INT. WILL’S CLASSROOM -- DAY Will teaches a lesson as Finn stares at Rachel from across the room. A drop of saliva falls from his mouth onto the open book before him. He wipes his chin, startled. 9. FINN (V.O.) How did I go from barely noticing Rachel, to literally drooling over her? I guess she has always been there for me...even through all my baby drama with Quinn. WILL Finn, conjugate the verb “confundir” for us. FINN I, uh... Before he can respond, the school INTERCOM interrupts. SUE (over intercom) Good morning McKinley High mouth- breathers, it’s your friendly neighborhood Sue Sylvester, interrupting your completely irrelevant lesson to give you the scoop on this weekend’s Sadie Hawkins dance... RACK FOCUS to Rachel, doodling “Mrs. Rachel Hudson” in her notebook. RACHEL (V.O.) How in the world Finn Hudson acquired a majority share of my heart after repeatedly dismissing my affections, I will never know.