14 e su Is Wednesday, April 9, 2003 FREE I, II l. o V w w w . th e sl an t.n The Student Humor Publication et at Vanderbilt University INSIDETHISISSUE POLITICS Supreme Court Upholds Appellate Court Highest court in America 7issues final ruling in Your Mom vs. Jefferson. CAMPUS NEWS Interhall Covers Up Facts in Recent Poll Minority groups furious at 8 lack of representation in Gee approval rating. WAR ON TERROR US Smart Missiles Have Trouble Finding Iraq Officials concerned about 8intelligence of missiles after recent failures. From The Editor 3 Window On The World 3 In Other News 4 Gee'sGee's ApprovalApproval RatingRating Around The Loop 13 Horoscopes 13 DueDue ToTo TheThe WartimeWartime Advice Column 15 ChancellorChancellor EffectEffect Move along, nothing to see here. 55 MASTHEAD The Slant 2 LEAD STORIES Taking Over The World Since 1886 COVER STORY 135B Madison Sarratt Student Center VU# 351669 Station B Gee's Approval Rating Due To Nashville, TN 37235 Fax 615-343-2756 The Wartime Chancellor Effect website www.theslant.net Vanderbilt community shows overwhelming support for the STAFF chancellor in these hectic times. By Richard Green . .5 Editor-in-Chief Mike Mott Usurper III Meredith Gray Juniot Asst. Copy Editor David Barzelay Managing Editor Brad Ploeger On the Existence of Asians... Editors Andrew Banecker Tim Boyd Robert Saunders Two Slant staffers debate whether or not Asians are real. Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead Copy Editors By Evan Alston and Diabetus . .6 Audrey Peters Melanie Siemens Ad Non-Sales Manager Rob Hilton Contributing Writers Evan Alston Julia Bensfield Interhall Covers Up Minority Laura Carlson Greg Champoux Andrew Collazzi Diabetus Groups’ Distaste for Chancellor Chris Entzminger Peter Grant Jacob Grier Richard Green Certain students upset over lack of representation. James Guthrie Michael Leaming Howard Lee Zach Norton By Andrew Banecker . .8 Jesse Perry Stephanie Schacht Liz Vennum Judson Wallace Layout Designer Heather Miliman Ad Non-Sales Chris Barbour American Smart Missiles Unable Dutch Pothead Keith Leeman Editor Emeritus Joe Wong to Locate Iraq POLICIES Ballistic weapons having to stop for directions. By Tim Boyd . Submissions 8 Editorial submissions are accepted from our read- ers; The Slant cannot guarantee the return of any submission, nor can The Slant guarantee a response to any submissions. Women Reject Chauvinist Back Issues 5 Initial attraction to pig-headedness goes away. Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a By Meredith Gray . .10 description of the issue desired (volume number and date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected]. Subscriptions An Angry Roommate Vents Mail subscriptions are availible for $30.00 a year or $20.00 for a semester. Postmaster please send Dear Slant, address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, Nashville, TN 37235-1669. My roommate is really starting to piss me off. He sits at his computer all day, looking at car dis- DISCLAIMER cussion boards. This is fine, but he insists on laugh- ing out loud (and it's a “pay- attention-to-me-and- This entire publication is a work of humor, parody ask-me-what-i'm-laughing-at” fake laugh) at every and satire. You must be over 18 years old to read posting. He eats some foreign food that has this this publication. This publication and the content horrible smell too. And he doesn't ever use head- thereof does not always reflect the opinions of phones with his computer, which means that I Vanderbilt Student Communications, Inc. One copy of this publication is available free to mem- know everytime he receives an IM, and I hear him bers of the Vanderbilt community; additional copies play the same two songs over and over. The first are available for five dollars each. If The Slant one is some French song, which he also has like 12 offends you, do not freakin' read it. Support our remixes of, and the other is a rap song about get- advertisers. ting out of jail and buying a gun. Now that sends a Copyright © 2003, The Slant. horrible message to the kids. Felons aren't allowed All rights reserved to buy guns, and firearm possession would proba- bly be a parole violation. Think about the children. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free Sincerely, exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the William Szerbiak people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. MAILBAG FROM THE EDITOR You will all bow before the all- encompassing power of the Mott! Mwahahaha! CONTENTS 3 Back in business, and ain't it grand? Haha, loyal Slant read- ers, I'll bet you weren't NEWS planning on seeing me back any time soon, were POLITICS: Supreme Court Rules on Your Mom . .7 you? Well, tough. While I resumed editorship of ENTERTAINMENT: Planeteers Get Rid of Member . .7 this now-notorious humor publication with a MIKE MOTT RACE RELATIONS: “Cracker” Inoffensive to White People . .9 heavy heart, I quickly learned to love every power-trippin' minute of it. You probably won't be surprised to find that lit- MILITARY: More Flags Needed in Equipment . .12 tle has changed. I'm still drinking to excess and COLUMNS & HUMOR hooking up with random women every night of the week. Except Sunday, of course, I have to keep PATRIOTISM: You Unpatriotic Bastard! . .9 holy the Sabbath and all that shit. And really, none of those other days either. They're not exactly holy DOLPHINS: Do the Secret Agents Get More Sex . .11 days, but that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. Why, just the other day, a loyal Slant reader HAIR CARE: Broken Arms and Womanizing . .11 approached me in a panic, worried that his cher- ished publication would wither under my oppres- PUBLIC HEALTH: Rob Hilton Talks About Sex Again . .14 sive grip. I reassured him with the phrase, "Fo shizzle," and then snapped my fingers so that my AROUND THE LOOP: Ah, the 80s . .13 bodyguards would take him away to a secret undisclosed location I like to call "Kissam HOROSCOPE: Eh, We All Die Some Day . .13 Quadrangle." I simply cannot afford to tolerate any dissidents in my kingdom. SLANT FEATURES So fear not, loyal Slant readers. I promise you, from the very bottom of my compassionately con- OTHER NEWS: News That Fell Through The Cracks . .4 servative heart, that nothing will change about this great publication. Except for that Barzelay ADVICE: The Slant’s Lone Voice of Reason Speaks Out . .15 guy; he posed too great a threat to my administra- tion, so I made sure he disappeared quietly. But all BASTARD CONFESSION: Freedom . .16 the other writers agreed to stay on and weather my tyrannical regime for this last month of the school year. TOP TEN: Uses for Money from the 5% Tuition Hike . .16 Likewise, those writers will still be consuming 11 the same substances during production. These BLOTTER: What You Don’t Get Emails About . .16 substances include, but are not necessarily limited to: beer, rum, shrooms, marijuana, cocaine, hero- in, PCP, LSD, KGB, DNA, RNA, OJ, and water. We WINDOW ON THE WORLD will be fully under the influences of these sub- stances (particularly that last one) at all times. However, my loyal subjects, I do intend to bring religion back to this immoral publication. Our new creed shall be, "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper, and the finder of lost chil- dren. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." But I digress. I don't wanna write my return editorial just about my dictatorship. There are serious issues on this campus that I want to address in a serious manner. Oh well. Maybe next time. Hitler says you must be this tall to ride this ride. 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - April 9, 2003 In Other News "War Not Funny," Grumbles will go to the acclaimed autobiography ing life." Fearing the voice may have come Frustrated Slant Reporter "Living the Low Life" which tells the story of from the Lord Himself, Mott and Grier put New Slant reporter Jesse Perry secretly a young midget who overcame the obstacle away the whiskey flask and decided to aban- wishes this war would just end. While of his height to become editor-in-chief of a don their search for drugs and loose women. attempting to write a humorous "War with campus satire newspaper. On being told the Iraq" based article, Perry was only able to news, Slant Editor-in-Chief Mike Mott com- Student To Read Cute Story About come up with "Saddam has a silly beret" and mented "^&*! off!" Cute Stuffed Doll "Iraqis are smelly." After a brutal time peri- Celebrated author, od upwards of five minutes, Perry gave up Housing Lottery Up To $56 Million satirist, and and started drinking. The Office of Housing and Residential Vanderbilt student Education announced this past week that Liz Vennum is Ebert Still Beating Off To Femme the housing lottery was up to $56 million. scheduled this Fatale Spokesperson Mark "Dean" Bandas said, Saturday to perform Film critic Roger "More people are playing the lottery than a reading of her Ebert has not ever before," adding that under no circum- incredibly cute story, stopped masturbat- stances would freshmen be allowed to win.