Ford Thinking Neck Minnit Time Has Come Today Nikki Addison waxes lyrical about everyone’s Olivia Chrisp discusses the good ol’ turtleneck; Caitlin Abley answers Brad Pitt’s age-old favourite space smuggler Editor resists making Austin Powers reference question, “Ohhh, what’s in the box?” [1] ISSUE TEN CONTENTS 6 12 NEWS COMMUNITY PARKING UP THE PREJUDICED PETERS WRONG TREE Calling Uncle Winnie out on Green walkway proposal hits his racist rhetoric pothole with University 15 23 LIFESTYLE FEATURES STIR CRAZY MEAN MEMES Craccum has you sorted for the The toxic relationship between simplest of student meals memes and journalism 30 35 ARTS COLUMNS FANNING YOURSELF WHITE HOUSE WHACKOS Jordan Margetts welcomes you to the world of Night Vale Rachel Berryman on Trump’s fanart Twitter & Spicer’s statements [3] EDITORIAL Catriona Britton Samantha Gianotti “Kiwi” Confusion We want to put an end to all the rumours sur- At this point, either the woman is pulling ol’ That’s probably because she’s wearing a black rounding the meaning behind Harry Styles’ ab- Styles’ leg (classic surprise baby gag), or they’re dress and pretending to be a silhouette, Captain solute banger of a track, “Kiwi”, from his epony- playing a game of Chinese Whispers and Styles Fucking Obvious. mous debut solo album. Rumours were rife that is so unbelievably pissed that he mishears, “I’m “Hard candy dripping on me ‘til my feet are this song may be about a secret romance Styles smashing your Baileys and one of your Guinness” wet” had with a Kiwi lass. Well, let us clothe you in because she’s a drink-stealer and a fucking tank. Styles and the mystery woman must be in a white, dunk you in the Waikato River and wash “It’s New York, baby, always jacked up” hot location, like the grimy portal into Hell that away your thoughts tainted by parasitic internet Styles, or maybe this woman, do drugs some- is Code. In her sweaty palm, outstretched over rumours. Follow our certified line-by-line anal- times in New York (read: that one time in Auck- poor Styles’ Yves Saint Laurent heeled boots, ysis of the track that makes us dab in the office land—you can’t hide from us when you call your is a cluster of an old person’s version of Eclipse with such heavy metal, head-banging force, our song “Kiwi”, bro). mints—sticky Werther’s Originals, which she pretty necks get a little bit of whiplash. “Holland Tunnel for a nose, it’s always backed usually keeps in a little ziplock bag just in case “She worked her way through a cheap pack of up” she has to converse with an elderly person in a cigarettes” Sounds a heck of a lot like someone’s snorting supermarket checkout line. She’s probably swiv- Clearly, this woman has not called Quitline. a lil bit of cocaine, if you ask us. Styles uses a clever elling one round in her mouth, pretending like If she’s working through a pack of cheap cig- metaphor here to describe the state of their noses she has all gums and no teeth. So seductive (sung gies per day, she probably has a hacking cough. and keep us off the scent of his true whereabouts like 50 Cent in “Candy Shop” ayooo). Smoking seems to be her future. (again, not very effective). He compares traffic “And now she’s all over me, it’s like I paid for it” “Hard liquor mixed with a bit of intellect” jams in the Holland Tunnel—the highway tun- At this point we think Styles may be insinu- Obviously her drink of choice is 42 Below. nel that runs beneath the Hudson River between ating that this woman is acting like a stripper. We We’ve never ordered a vodka and intellect be- Manhattan and Jersey City, opened in 1927 and have never known Chinese Whispers to descend fore. We usually go for vodka and mum-danc- renamed in memory of the chief engineer, Clif- so dramatically into this kind of comparison. ing-at-cousin’s-wedding, or vodka and non- ford Milburn Holland, whose untimely death in It’s more likely the woman is conducting a frisk stop-pee-train. 1924 meant he never saw the tunnel completed— search, because she dreams of her fifteen minutes “And all the boys, they were saying they were to their blocked-up nasal cavities. We can only of fame on Police Ten 7. into it” imagine their noses are bunged up like when you “It’s like I paid for it, I’m gonna pay for this” LADS, LADS, LADS. play that children’s party game where you stick Stop insisting on paying this woman, Styles! “Such a pretty face, on a pretty neck” your face in a mound of flour and pick Jaffas out It is not her intention, we’re sure. Let us tell you Either Styles has his beer goggles on, or he with your teeth (just us?). how plausible it is for a Kiwi woman to dream has never watched Shania Twain sing “She’s Not “When she’s alone, she goes home to a cactus” about being a cop. We have never missed an ep- Just A Pretty Face” in a bumblebee-yellow Body Sometimes we go home to pricks as well. She isode of Dog Squad, Women in Blue, Police Ten Glove rash-top. ain’t nothin’ special, Styles. 7 or Motorway Patrol. We understand you’re a “She’s driving me crazy, but I’m into it / It’s “In a black dress, she’s such an actress” kind chap, but this is not the time to be paying getting crazy, I think I’m losing it” We too feel like different people when we for something. Styles is experiencing the negative side effects wear black dresses. One time, we both wore And there you have it. The rumours can be of infatuation, which we call “One-Directioneri- black dresses on the same day and immediate- put to bed. When Styles returns to our shores tis”, named after the fans who too stepped blind- ly started taking turns re-enacting Samwise in December, we suggest you keep your peepers ly into the sinking sands of unwanted seduction. Gamgee’s speech at the end of The Lord of the open around Code. He’s a sly old dog, but dogs “I think she said, ‘I’m having your baby. It’s Rings: the Two Towers. mark their territory and he’s sure to frequent this none of your business’” “She sits beside me like a silhouette” location again to piss or get pissed. ◆ [5] NEWS Auckland Uni Lobbying Against Green Proposals BY ELOISE SIMS Environmental group Generation Zero Street), Auckland Transport would “open- cerns in a letter dated November 2013, by have claimed both Auckland Transport ly” defy the Council by making Linear insisting the University of Auckland was and the University of Auckland are lobby- Park “impossible” to construct. “not consulted” in Auckland Transport’s ing against a proposal to create a new park Auckland Transport note on their formulation of the proposals. In the let- in the inner city, apparently due to fears website that such an option “will make it ter, Dixon directly addresses the Linear over the impact the park would have on difficult to reduce the number of lanes on Park proposal—claiming it would impose bus lanes. Victoria Street, as part of a planned future “unacceptable impacts on the other parts “Linear Park”, a project proposed by upgrade of Victoria Street” (referring to of the CBD.” Generation Zero, Greater Auckland, and Linear Park), but still claim it is their first “It undermines the CCMP (City Cen- Bike Auckland, is a design to link Albert choice due to its “excellent access” oppor- tre Masterplan) to the Learning Quarter, Park and Victoria Park via a green walk- tunities. and threatens major adverse impacts on way and cycleway. According to Greater Auckland, senior our operations.” Leroy Beckett, Auckland Director of leadership at the University of Auckland Yet Generation Zero have called the Generation Zero, said in speaking with has caused Auckland Transport to “ditch” claims “confusing”—particularly, as they Craccum that the proposal is “a key part of a second bus route option that would save have pointed out, a bus route option that giving the city back to people.” Linear Park—having been lobbied by the is outbound on Wellesley Street (Option “Our CBD is dominated by roads University from behind the scenes since Two) would actually provide “the most di- and car parks designed to serve people in late 2013. rect route for students.” cars—but the number of people who drive As part of a Local Government Of- In response, they have launched a cam- to the city is dropping, and the number ficial Information and Meeting Act re- paign to save the proposed CBD Green of people who bike, walk and take public quest, six previously confidential letters Space, called #SaveLinearPark. In a matter transport is skyrocketing.” between Auckland Transport and the of weeks, nearly 1700 Generation Zero “We need to redesign the city around University of Auckland have been made members made submissions to Auckland the changing ways it’s being used, and en- public. Transport using an online form—so many, courage more of that positive change.” In a 2013 letter obtained by Craccum in fact, that Auckland Transport have said While Linear Park has attracted some through Greater Auckland, Vice-Chan- they will take 4–5 weeks to report on the prominent backers, such as Mayor Phil cellor Stuart McCutcheon voices his con- feedback.