12 Philadelphia Gay News www.epgn.com March 7-13, 2014 LGBT WEDDINPGN G ISSUE Meet the couples taking on Pennsylvania’s marriage ban By Jen Colletta The 5-year-old was conceived through in- “It’s exciting to start thinking about it.” ceramics. [email protected] vitro, with Ferlanie carrying him. Once he For so long, Donato said, it was a thought The couple registered as domestic partners was born, both women had to legally adopt that didn’t seem possible. with the city in 2002, in part as a means of On June 9, the trial will open in the first him as part of second-parent adoption, to “For so many years, [getting married] was demonstrating their relationship to Gillem’s legal challenge to Pennsylvania’s ban on ensure they would both be legally consid- just scratched off the list of things that were employer. same-sex marriage. While the case will ulti- ered his parents — another byproduct of the likely to happen. So you didn’t even let your- “We had domestic-partner benefits at the mately be fraught with legal terms and con- state’s ban on marriage equality. self think about planning, about where you university since the early ’90s, but unfortu- stitutional arguments, the issue of marriage “I had to go through the whole process of would go, what you would wear, those fun nately some of the benefits were not being inequality in Pennsylvania is ultimately a adopting my child, even though he was my things,” she said. “But I’m an optimist. I do offered to us because the health-insurance story about the lives and loves of same-sex biological child,” Ferlanie said. “We had to think it’s going to happen in Pennsylvania, I company didn’t offer domestic-partner ben- couples and their families. have home visits by social workers, write do see myself marrying Sandy. And I see it efits,” she said. “So when they finally started The American Civil Liberties Union’s essays, get fingerprinted, get recommenda- happening soon.” that, they wanted some proof that we were Whitewood v. Wolf case has assembled 25 tions, medical exams. It was a lot.” domestic partners, so at that point we for- plaintiffs — 11 same-sex couples, two of The process took more than 10 months to Angela Gillem and Gail Lloyd malized it with the city.” their children and one widow — to repre- complete and, during that time, Donato was Philadelphia They began talking seriously about mar- sent our state’s LGBT community. Plaintiffs technically a legal stranger to her son. Together 18 years rying after last summer’s overturning of the come from all corners of the state and “For 10-and-a-half months I just prayed federal ban on same-sex marriage. myriad backgrounds, and all have taken to God that nothing happened to Sandy,” In the fall, Angela Gillem and Gail Lloyd “Especially as we get older, we’re going unique paths to arrive at a common truth: Donato said. “Because if it did, I would spent a weekend in Washington, D.C., tour- to be taking care of each other, so it became Pennsylvania’s ban on marriage equality is have had no rights to my son.” ism museums, biking and an all-encompassing impediment that pre- The couple said they worried about how dining — and finished their vents certain Pennsylvanians from living as to explain the procreation issue to Henry but getaway by tying the knot. free and respected citizens. said that conversation was much easier than The couple married in a small Here are the stories of two of the plaintiff they’re finding the marriage-equality talk to ceremony Nov. 15, surrounded couples taking on our state’s inequality. be. by Lloyd’s mother and brother “Kids understand things in simple ways. and Gillem’s brother. Their Sandy Ferlanie and Christine Donato He says to himself — not in these words path to marriage began nearly Swarthmore — but, ‘Parents who have children and who two decades ago at the party Together 18 years of a mutual friend — although their relationship took some When Sandy Ferlanie was time to develop. diagnosed with breast cancer “We were introduced and I last year, her prognosis wasn’t was just totally taken by Gail,” ANGELA GILLEM AND GAIL LLOYD the only thing on her mind. Gillem said. “It was like I’d Ferlanie has been with her been introduced to a movie star, I was so even more important,” Gillem said. “Last partner, Christine Donato, for impressed. She was so gorgeous and I was summer, we planned to update our wills nearly 18 years but, because the just awed by her. The way she just moved and powers of attorneys to make sure every- couple is not legally married in around the party, it was like she’d taken over thing was in order, and our personal attorney their home state, Ferlanie wor- the stage and was working the room; I just strongly recommended we go ahead and get ried that they would encounter thought she was so cool. So it was like love married now that we could get federal ben- complications as they traversed at first sight.” efits and that level of recognition.” her diagnosis together. SANDY FERLANIE AND CHRISTINE DONATO Lloyd remembers the interaction a bit dif- They spent the weekend touring D.C. and “It was really scary,” Ferlanie ferently. had a Monday ceremony with their fam- said. “It was a time in my life when I needed have families love each other and make a “I was definitely not a movie star. I’m ily, followed by dinner before driving to Christine the most and I had to worry about, commitment and get married. My family afraid I might have disappointed my beloved Philadelphia that evening. What if I ran into somebody — a physician, has two loving parents raising me, why can’t because I’m not the cool chick she thought I The couple said they intend to have a larger a nurse, somebody at the admissions desk they get married?’” Donato said. “His ques- was,” she joked. ceremony and reception in Pennsylvania — who wouldn’t let her up to see me?” tions made me feel so guilty, like I didn’t Lloyd said she was under the impression when marriage equality is sanctioned here Fortunately, the couple said the staff at have a good-enough answer for him. Finally, that one of her friends was interested in — “We’re gonna party like it’s 1999,” Lloyd Pennsylvania Hospital, where Ferlanie I just said, ‘We’re not allowed to.’ ‘Allowed’ Gillem, so she kept her distance that night. joked. spent more than eight hours in surgery, were is something kids understand. And I felt so The pair ran into each other two years “We decided that until Pennsylvania accommodating and accepting. powerless. ‘We’re not allowed to.’” later at a book signing at Giovanni’s Room recognizes our marriage, we didn’t want “We were very lucky to be in a great city While some same-sex Pennsylvania cou- and began seeing one another a few months to have a big ceremony. It would feel like and a great hospital,” Donato said. “During ples have tied the knot in other states, when later. They celebrated their 18th anniversary something was missing,” Gillem said. “But a time like that, you have so much anxiety they return to the Keystone State, their mar- last month. there is a piece now that feels sad; the fact and then you walk into the hospital and have riage is not recognized by our government. While the couple connected in that it was a small ceremony with just three to be thinking, OK, do I have all the forms That, coupled with all of their family and Philadelphia, they learned they come from people there to witness our marriage does with me that say I have rights to see her and friends living in this area and with each hav- the same area; Lloyd is from D.C. and feel a bit sad.” to make decisions on her behalf? We were ing an ailing parent, and Ferlanie and Donato Gillem grew up in Arlington, Va. Lloyd Despite the bittersweet nature of the wed- treated very well, but the anxiety of not decided to wait to wed until marriage equal- moved to Philly in 1979 to attend art school, ding, the couple said that having a legal mar- knowing if we were going to be treated well ity becomes a reality in Pennsylvania. and Gillem in 1986 for a previous relation- riage certificate did draw them closer, which was terrifying.” While that time isn’t here yet, they have ship. they found surprising. Ferlanie fully recovered from surgery, started imagining what their wedding day The couple now lives together in Chestnut “It really does make a difference in ways completed chemotherapy last summer and would be like. Hill, in a house they bought and rehabbed that are hard to articulate,” Lloyd said. “I her hair has grown back. “We have a big soccer and baseball field more than 15 years ago. completely adore Angela but after we got “Things are pretty ordinary right now,” at the end of our street and we’ve joked that Gillem, 61, teaches counseling psy- married, I somehow felt even closer to her. she said. “Ordinary is good.” we’ll just use the field for a day, have food chology in a graduate program at Arcadia I don’t know how to describe it; I always Ordinary entails Ferlanie’s work as a catered and a dance floor and DJ and throw University and operates a private practice thought our relationship was solid, but it nurse in the drug-safety field and Donato’s a petting zoo in for the kids,” Ferlanie said, in Chestnut Hill, while Lloyd, 55, who has somehow felt even more solid.