Polyamory and Holy Union In Metropolitan Community Churches Frances Luella Mayes May 5, 2003 Ecumenical Theological Seminary Submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the Doctor of Ministry Degree. Approved: Date: 5 May 2003 ___________________________________________ __________ The Rev. Dr. David Swink, D.Min., Committee Chair ___________________________________________ __________ Dr. Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, Phd., Content Specialist ___________________________________________ __________ Dr. Anneliese Sinnott, Phd., O.P., Faculty Reader ___________________________________________ __________ The Rev. Paul Jaramogi, D.Min., Peer Reader Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union All rights reserved. Frances L. Mayes, 2003 ii Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union Abstract Metropolitan Community Churches have performed Holy Union commitment ceremonies for same-sex couples since 1969. An ongoing internal dialogue concerns whether to expand the definition to include families with more than two adult partners. This paper summarizes historical definitions of marriage and family, development of sexual theology, and current descriptions of contemporary families of varying compositions. Fourteen interviews were conducted to elicit the stories of non- monogamous MCC families. Portions of the interviews are presented as input into the discussion. iii Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union Acknowledgements The author would like to acknowledge the help and support given to her by the dissertation committee: Chairman Rev. Dr. David Swink, Content Specialist Dr. Virginia Ramey Mollenkott, Reader Dr. Anneliese Sinnot, OP, and Peer Reader Rev. Paul Jaramogi, who nurtured this paper’s evolution. Thanks also to the Emmaus Colleague Group who patiently stood with me as my theology and practice changed and developed, and who gestated with me the four mini- project papers that preceded the dissertation. Thanksgiving and encouragement are offered to the participants in the study, who volunteered to be interviewed, hosted me in their homes, welcomed me into their lives, and shared very personal, intimate stories with me. Included are stories from Barbara Hargrave, Rev. Frodo Okulam, Ken McLaughlin and William Tredick, Patricia MacAodha, Rev. Justin Tanis, and others who prefer to remain anonymous. Their courage and willingness to share very personal experiences, feelings, and opinions are admired and appreciated. I could not have survived the process that produced this dissertation without the love and patience of my husband Dell Mayes and the woman who loves me. My grandchildren Maggie McKillop, Clayton Mayes-Burnett, Fiona McKillop, and Julian Mayes-Burnett, provided welcome distractions. iv Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union Dedication This work is dedicated to the non-monogamous people and families who live with the pain of hiding in closets of fear and shame even within the denomination they call “home.” May the day soon come when the diversity of family configurations is supported and celebrated with appropriate rituals and rites. v Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union Table of Contents Abstract Page iii Acknowledgements Page iv Dedication Page v Illustrations Page ix JOURNEY Page 1 CONTEXT Page 51 QUESTION Page 57 THEORY Page 62 I. Sexuality -- Can non-monogamy be holy? Page 66 Pre-history Page 66 Ancient cultures Page72 Patristic Era Page 79 Middle Ages Page 80 Reformation Page 82 Modern History Page 84 II. The Family – How has “family” been defined? Page 101 Biblical Households Page 102 The Church Page 111 New Family Forms Page 117 vi Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union III. Marriage – What is marriage for? Page 121 Marriage for money Page 121 Marriage for sex Page 124 Marriage for babies Page 127 Marriage for kin Page 130 Marriage for order Page 132 Marriage for love Page 136 IV. Polygamy – How does polygamy work today? Page 138 V. Polyamory – What do today’s alternative families look like? Page 150 Structures Page 150 Is Non-monogamy natural? Page 157 Feminist Analysis Page 161 Benefits Page 164 Challenges Page 169 MINISTRY EVENT Page 176 I. The Sample Page 177 II. Relationship Styles Page 182 III. The Stories Page 184 Coming Out Page 184 Communication Page 193 Jealousy Page 200 vii Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union Compersion Page 207 Joys Page 208 Challenges Page 213 Spiritual Life Page 219 MCC Experiences Page 230 Holy Unions Page 234 CONCLUSION Page 247 EVALUATION Page 263 REFLECTIONS Page 266 ENDNOTES Page 271 APPENDIX A: Interview request email message Page 273 APPENDIX B: Consent and typical interview questions Page 274 APPENDIX C: MULTIPLE PARTNER QUESTIONAIRRE Page 276 REFERENCES Page 277 viii Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union ILLUSTRATIONS Figure 1: Sexual Diversity Wheel Page 56 Figure 2: Relationships in a triad Page 151 Figure 3: A Vee relationship Page 151 Figure 4: Group marriage Page 151 Figure 5: Primary couple with shared secondary Page 152 Figure 6: Secondary or casual lovers Page 152 Figure 7: Open relationship Page 152 Figure 8: Different views of same relationship Page 153 Figure 9: Foursomes Page 153 ix Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union JOURNEY It's hard to say when this journey began. All of us are sexual from before birth. Fetuses in-utero have erections. Baby girls sometimes learn to rub their genitals against their diapers while lying on their tummies to stimulate themselves (Crooks & Baur, 2002; Lidster & Horsburgh, 1994; Montauk & Clasen, 1989). I believe that all of us are also spiritual from before birth. The story of John the Baptist, inside Elizabeth, responding to Jesus, inside Mary, would attest to this (Luke 1:5-45). Jeremiah hears God saying, "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you” (Jeremiah 1:5a). We are all spiritual beings and we are all sexual beings. The diversity of the creation in both these dimensions attests to the magnitude of possibilities inherent in a God who creates humanity in the divine image (Genesis 1:27). Awareness of one's own sexuality is another matter. My story is probably not much different from that of the majority of women in my generation. I began to have crushes on boys and the occasional male teacher in junior high school and indulged in an ordinary amount of fantasy about dates, weddings, and happily-ever-after. Spiritually I was "born again" at the age of 10 when I "invited Jesus into my heart" in Daily Vacation Bible School. It was a real experience of transformation, giving me new insights and awareness of God in my life. It happened in a fundamentalist context where rules abounded and were clear. One rule no one doubted: No sex before marriage. It was the 1950s, less overtly sex-saturated times than the present. Girls who got pregnant dropped out of school quietly leaving behind only rumors that "she was in a family way." As the oldest child in an alcoholic family I became the family star, covering my insecurities and lack of self-esteem with an impressive layer of 1 Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union achievements. If my Girl Scout badge sash was covered with badges (rewards for developing skill in some specific area) people would focus on that and not see the vulnerable, emotionally neglected child underneath the uniform. My church experience only reinforced this pattern. I could recite more Bible verses from memory than anyone, participated in every church-related activity available to me, and became the darling of the church. I learned to conform on the outside and avoid feelings. Feelings were part of our fallen nature and not to be trusted. As a member of a separatist, fundamentalist church (Bible believing, pre-millennial, pre-tribulation), we spent a lot of time in Revelation and Daniel, knew Paul by heart, but very little of the life of Jesus. One part of the gospel stories we knew – the crucifixion, in great gory detail designed to make us feel guilt and shame as the ones who caused Jesus’ death by our sinful nature. Communion was a time to experience remorse and fear. If we received “unworthily” we might be slain on the spot by a vengeful God (like Ananias and Saphira.) My low view of myself was reinforced regularly in sermon and song. I was taught to hate my female body. "All your righteousnesses are as filthy rags." (Isaiah 64:6) From the pulpit, the pastor who knew all the answers taught us that this was the most filthy, disgusting rag imaginable -- used menstrual cloths. Total depravity was a fundamental belief. I could do nothing that would be truly good in God’s sight. We were worms and only throwing ourselves on the mercy of God and claiming the substitutionary atonement bought for us by Jesus on the cross could save us. God "loved" us in spite of our own wretchedness. Since my self-esteem was already low, I accepted this as undeniable truth. Somehow the worse I could make myself feel about my rotten, sinful 2 Rev. Frances Mayes, MCC Holy Union nature, the more glorious was God’s grace to put up with me and let me live. Prayer was pretty much groveling for divine mercy. We were taught that there might be Christians in other denominations, but that their leaders had duped them and when we got to heaven they would all be enlightened and agree with us on everything. Liberal and modernist were dirty words used to write off everything someone said who was not "one of us." Compromise was the tool of the devil, doubt was sin, and anyone who did not believe in "verbal and plenary inspiration of Scripture" and the "fundamentals of the faith" was only a "nominal" Christian, not a real one. This translated into a rigidly defined and constricting view of what the Bible "really says." Anyone who disagreed with the pastor on anything was probably "backslidden" and in need of correction. Individual Catholics might be saved, but the Catholic Church was the whore of Babylon and the pope was the anti-Christ.