The Outing pc: 416, season 4, episode 17 Broadcast date: February 11, 1993 Written by Larry Charles Directed by Tom Cherones ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Cast Regulars: Jerry Seinfeld ....................... Jerry Seinfeld Jason Alexander .................. George Costanza Julia Louis-Dreyfus ............. Elaine Benes Michael Richards ................. Kramer Guest Stars: Paula Marshall .................... Sharon Kari Coleman ..................... Allison Anthony Mangano ............ Sailor Ben Reed ........................... Male Nurse Lawrence A. Mandley ....... Manager Charley Garrett ................. Man #1 Deck McKenzie .................. Scott David Gibbs ....................... Man #2 rc: Liz Sheridan .................. Helen Seinfeld rc: Barney Martin .............. Morty Seinfeld rc: Estelle Harris ................ Estelle Costanza ================================================================== [Opening monologue] I don't know about you, but I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over... All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell. Now those astrology things where they tell you all the people that have the same birthday as you? It's always an odd group of people too, isn't it? It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat. [The scene opens with George dropping off his date for the night. She obviously has had a wonderful evening] ALLISON: I don't want to *live*! I don't want to *live*! GEORGE: Because of me? You must be joking! Who wouldn't want to live because of me? I'm nothing! ALLISON: No... You're *something*. GEORGE: You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me. I'm no good! ALLISON: You're good. You're *good*! GEORGE: I'm bad. I'm *bad*! ALLISON: You're *killing* me! [We cut to Monk's where George, Jerry & Elaine are dining (it being a diner, and all). Jerry is over making a phone call while George & Elaine talk at the table.] GEORGE: So what could I do? I couldn't go through with it. She threatened to kill herself. ELAINE: Over you? GEORGE: Yes. Why, is that so inconceivable? (Cut to Jerry who is over at the phone trying to get Sharon Leanord at NYU. Elaine and George exchange thoughts on what they got Jerry for his birthday.) GEORGE: I got two tickets to see "Guys And Dolls". ELAINE: I got him a two-line phone. (Jerry returns to the booth and explains the phone call.) JERRY: Unbelievable! She's not there. GEORGE: What paper does she write for? JERRY: The works for the NYU school newspaper. She's a grad student in journalism. Never been to a comedy club. Never even seen me, has no idea who I am. ELAINE: Never even seen you? Gotta kinda envy that... JERRY: Y'know, you've been developing quite the acid-tongue lately... ELAINE: [Proudly] Really? (The camera pans out some so that we can see the three at their table and a girl sitting with her back to George at the next table. She starts to become interested in what the people behind her are talking about as Elaine pops the following philosophical dilemma to her companions) ELAINE: Hey, who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? JERRY: Living or all time? ELAINE: All time. JERRY: Well, if it's all time, then there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev. ELAINE: I dunno. You ever get a good look at DeGaulle? GEORGE: Lyndon Johnson was uglier than Degaulle. ELAINE: I got news for you. Golda Meir could make 'em all run up a tree. (Elaine notices the woman sitting behind George is eavesdropping on their conversation and discreetly alerts J+G. She decides to add some spice to the conversation. The makes sure to say it loud enough so that the spy at the next table is sure to hear... ) ELAINE: Y'know, just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean you should just come out of the closet and be openly gay already. (Jerry rolls his eyes and turns away in disbelief while George on the other hand addresses Jerry directly) GEORGE: So, whaddya say? You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. JERRY: [indignantly] What's the matter with you? GEORGE: [quietly] C'mon, go along... JERRY: I'm not goin' along. I can just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose- stepping past me: "C'mon Jerry, go along, go along..." JERRY: Y'know I hear that all the time. ELAINE: Hear what? JERRY: That I'm gay. People think I'm gay. ELAINE: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too. JERRY: Yeah, 'cuz I'm single, I'm thin and I'm neat. ELAINE: And you get along well with women. GEORGE: I guess that leaves me in the clear... (Meanwhile over at the phone booth, the eavesdropper reveals that she is one Sharon Leonard and she's calling the newspaper that she got to the diner late and missed out on meeting up with Jerry. As she's hanging up, George and Jerry make a trip to the bathroom (have two guys ever actually gone to the bathroom together? Hmmmm...) [Jerry's apartment] (Jerry's unpacking groceries (no cereal to be seen) and George comes in.) GEORGE: I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. JERRY: Oh yeah, what? "Buck Naked"? GEORGE: Yeah, how did you know that? JERRY: You told me that already like two months ago. GEORGE: Allison bought it for me. JERRY: How you gonna get out of *that* one? GEORGE: I dunno. I guess I have to wait for her to die. (Sharon buzzes and comes up to Jerry's apartment. George decides to stay. There's a knock at the door and when Jerry answers it, the two decide if they've ever met before. It's pretty obvious Sharon remembers Jerry and George as that "funny" couple from Monk's. Jerry hasn't placed her face, however. Sharon is introduced to George and) JERRY: He's gonna hang around if that's alright with you? SHARON: Sure, I'd like to talk to him, too. GEORGE: Jerry did you wash this pear? JERRY: Yeah, I washed it. GEORGE: It looks like it hasn't been washed. JERRY: So *wash* *it*. GEORGE: You hear the way he talks to me? SHARON: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me... (Again, Jerry seems confused as to what Sharon is saying. Something's not quite right... But, before another question can be asked, again George has a question-- this time for Sharon) GEORGE: Let me ask you something. What do you think of this shirt? SHARON: It's nice. GEORGE: Jerry said he didn't like it. JERRY: I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it was O.K... GEORGE: No, you said you didn't like it... JERRY: Oh, so what if I don't like it. Is that like the end of the world, or something? SHARON: So how did you two meet? JERRY: Actually, we met in the gym locker room. GEORGE: Yeah. Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since. (George takes a hold of Jerry's leg to stress the point and Sharon, who obviously thinks she has a real story here now, asks another question:) SHARON: Do you guys live together? JERRY: [quizzically] Live together? GEORGE: No, I got my own place. (Jerry is about *this* close (picture my thumb and forefinger *really* close together) to figuring out what is going on here, when the "question fatale" is asked:) SHARON: And do your parents know? JERRY: Know *what*? GEORGE: My parents? They don't know *what's* goin' on... JERRY: Oh God, you're that girl in the coffee shop that was eavesdropping on us. I *knew* you looked familiar! (All three rise from the couch and a rather excited J+G try to explain things to a very confused reporter.) JERRY: There's been a big misunderstanding here! We did that whole thing for your benefit. We knew you were eavesdropping. That's why my friend said all that. It was on purpose! We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that... GEORGE: No, of course not... JERRY: I mean that's fine if that's who you are... GEORGE: Absolutely... JERRY: I mean I have many gay friends... GEORGE: My *father* is gay... SHARON: Look, I know what I heard. JERRY: It was a *joke*... GEORGE: Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! (Not that that approach was going to work, or anything, but what minute chance they had of convincing her is blown away as the door bursts open and:) KRAMER: Hey, C'mon! Let's go! I thought we were going to take a steam! GEORGE: No! JERRY: No steam! KRAMER: Well I don't want to sit there naked all by myself! [We fast forward a couple of hours and Jerry and Elaine are talking in the apartment. Elaine offers to talk to her and Jerry reveals that he has convinced her to "think about it" before she prints anything in the NYU paper.