Copyright 2014 2 Twilight Too Soon Michael I. Burke Copyright 2008 “Only God sees the sparrow fall; but even God doesn’t do anything about it” -- John Steinbeck 2 Twilight Too Soon Michael I. Burke Copyright 2008 For Christopher and Lia, who will never know their brother; for Matthew, may it help him remember; for the Colorado cousins, who knew Timothy only through the occasional photo; and for all those who did not know Timothy as well as they might have. For Melissa, who challenged my doubt and differences with God; and posed the suggestion that God might have honored Timothy’s prayers to go, instead of my prayers for him to stay. This is a mostly-true story. I found as I was thinking back as I wrote this that my memory has failed me in some areas. I don’t know if it is the span of time, my poor memory, or the fact that I was too panicked to remember details. In some places I may have left some details out; in others I may have added some touches that never really happened; I may have created conversations with people that happened with others. But, all of the characters are real. Except for Grandma. She’s a composite character made up of a number of people that I know, myself included. I skipped the names of the doctors and nurses so that I don’t risk slighting anyone. I will forever appreciate their hard work and true concern across those six days. In one scene I reference a friend with whom I had a deep conversation. That friend is an invention, as is the conversation, created to catalogue the many conversations I had with people in the weeks and months after. It is true that times like these help you learn who your friends really are. You know who you are; and who you are not. But, in the end, know that everything I feel, everything I say, everything I believe in this story is real. My heart is really shattered and my spirit is really broken. And, my son is really gone… ii Twilight Too Soon Table of Contents Preface ........................................................................................................................................................... 1 Thank You, Timothy ..................................................................................................................... 1 Chapter 1 ........................................................................................................................................................ 7 The Beginning of the End of It All ............................................................................................... 7 Chapter 2 .......................................................................................................................................................17 About a Boy ...................................................................................................................................17 Chapter 3 .......................................................................................................................................................27 The Final Goodbye .......................................................................................................................27 Chapter 4 .......................................................................................................................................................35 He’s Here (Part 1) .........................................................................................................................35 Chapter 5 .......................................................................................................................................................49 The Call .........................................................................................................................................49 Chapter 6 .......................................................................................................................................................55 The Early Years ............................................................................................................................55 Chapter 7 .......................................................................................................................................................61 The Race ........................................................................................................................................61 Chapter 8 .......................................................................................................................................................67 Wicki-Wacki Woo .........................................................................................................................67 Chapter 9 .......................................................................................................................................................87 No Reason ......................................................................................................................................87 Chapter 10 .....................................................................................................................................................99 Soup in a Bread Bowl ...................................................................................................................99 Chapter 11 ...................................................................................................................................................111 He’s Here (Part 2) .......................................................................................................................111 Chapter 12 ...................................................................................................................................................121 The Night Before .........................................................................................................................121 Chapter 13 ...................................................................................................................................................131 The PICU Society ........................................................................................................................131 Chapter 14 ...................................................................................................................................................135 When I Grow Up .........................................................................................................................135 Chapter 15 ...................................................................................................................................................139 The Calm Before the Storm .......................................................................................................139 Chapter 16 ...................................................................................................................................................147 Happiness Ends ...........................................................................................................................147 2 Twilight Too Soon Chapter 17 ...................................................................................................................................................153 A Vigil Interrupted .....................................................................................................................153 Chapter 18 ...................................................................................................................................................161 Words ...........................................................................................................................................161 Chapter 19 ...................................................................................................................................................169 Dawn of the Day ..........................................................................................................................169 Chapter 20 ...................................................................................................................................................177 To Dream or Not to Dream ........................................................................................................177 Chapter 21 ...................................................................................................................................................185 Death Came a’ Knockin’ ............................................................................................................185 Chapter 22 ...................................................................................................................................................189 Of Caffeine and Alcohol .............................................................................................................189 Chapter 23 ...................................................................................................................................................199 The End of the End of It All.......................................................................................................199 Chapter 24 ...................................................................................................................................................209 Coping ..........................................................................................................................................209 Chapter 25 ...................................................................................................................................................217