THE SIMPSONS: “WHO REALLY NEEDS THE KWIK-E-MART?” BY JAY BENOY THIS SPEC SCRIPT IS A WORK OF FICTION, INTENDED FOR THE CURE FOR THE SIMPSONS COMPETITION 2018. IT IS NOT AT ALL AFFILIATED WITH THE FOX COMPANY OR THE SIMPSONS, OR THE COMEDYCROWD. Jay Benoy [email protected] @JonnyJonJon1 FADE IN: “THE SIMPSONS” - - TITLE SEQUENCE - - CHALKBOARD: “This show was actually funny nine years ago.” COUCH GAG: THE SIMPSONS RUSH IN TO THE HOUSE TO FIND JAMES WOODS, LOUNGING ON THE SOFA BESIDE POOCHY, THE DOG. They’re chilling about - Poochy looks worse-for wear and smokes CIGARETTES, with a full ASHTRAY right beside him, and Woods wears the Kwik-E-Mart STAFF UNIFORM. JAMES WOODS (With glee) Ooh-hoo, controversial. OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE ENDS. FADE IN: ESTABLISHING SHOT: SPRINGFIELD. MUSIC UP: “BETTER DAYS” BY GRAHAM NASH We see the POWER PLANT - - MOE’S - - KRUSTY BURGER - - THE TIRE FIRE - - A sweaty, hot SUMMER DAY. A TRAFFIC CONE - - It melts to ORANGE GOO on the sidewalk. - - We close in on the KWIK-E-MART. MUSIC FADES OUT. INT. KWIK-E-MART – DAY A bored and restless APU HOLDS HIS HEAD UP ON THE COUNTER. A man enters - - the AUTOMATED RING of the convenient store’s DOORS accompany him - - Apu doesn’t remotely acknowledge the man - - WE STAY ON APU. CUSTOMER VOICE (O.S) How much for ice? APU Nine dollars. CUSTOMER VOICE (O.S) What a rip! “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .2 We hear the doors go once again, just as before, as the man LEAVES instantly. APU (Snapping) You cannot argue with VAT, sir! - - (Back to ORIGINAL POSITION) …He’ll be back. BART & LISA (O.S) Hey, Apu. At first, Apu can’t figure out where the sound is coming from - - APU’S P.O.V. sees the counter - - and the top of TWO SPIKED SIMPSONS HAIRCUTS – BART AND LISA. He LEANS in to them. APU Oh, hello, Simpsons children 1 and 2! Can I interest you in one of these new experimental Squishees? LISA Hasn’t that been proven that 60% of that stuff is… people? Bart puts his ELBOW ON THE COUNTER, trying to HAGGLE - - Apu does THE SAME – a meeting of minds. BART Is it cold? APU …more or less. BART Deal. You drive a hard bargain, sir. LISA - - Hey, Apu. Do you have the latest issue of Uppity Teen? I want to bone up on the latest “Who’s Not” lists. APU (Handing Bart his SQUISHEE) Second shelf, down. “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .3 Bart sucks on the straw - - and immediately coughs up a WEDDING RING. He recovers, just: BART Smooth. Another BELL at the door - - A smaller man in a SUIT is escorted in by two LARGER MEN stood just beside him. As they stand in the doorway, the three men come off as SILHOUETTES - - Apart from the AUTOMATIC DOORS repeatedly threatening to CLOSE ON THE TWO LARGE MEN behind, there is something ominous about the group… SUIT (Up to the DESK) Apu Nahasapeemapetilon? APU Yes? What can I do for you, sir? (The Suit flashes a BADGE, under his jacket) Is this about selling those multipack cans as individual cans, because I swear I didn’t know! I swear it! SUIT Uh, no - - but, really, don’t do that - - I’ve seen too many good cashiers in my time go down from that - - My name is Charlie Lance. I’m the area manager of the Kwik-E-Mart brand. APU Oh, I know who you are! You were the first man to abolish price guns across the US. A lot of people fought you on that, but you saved a lot of lives. What you did was revolutionary. SUIT (Modest) I’m not sure about that… I put on my nametag everyday just the same as you. APU Then, what can I do for you today? “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .4 SUIT Apu… I don’t know how to tell you this, but, we’re selling the Kwik-E- Mart brand. APU Ah-waah…?! Bart and Lisa GASP, from the side of the store. SUIT - - Well. Actually, technically, we’ve already sold it. APU AH-WAAH?! SUIT A buyer has taken the Kwik-E-Mart over, and will be changing the name and terminating all of its staff by the end of this week. Apu FAINTS from the news, just missing a mountain of STACKED CANS - - despite not being touched at all - - they then FALL on to Apu’s crumpled body anyway. SUIT (CONT’D) Quick! Get him up! A Bodyguard rushes to Apu’s aid, grabbing a “KRUSTY-DOCTOR” OFFICIALLY BRANDED SMELLING SALT from the pharmaceutical counter on his way round. He sways it to Apu’s lip - - APU (Eyes still closed) That’ll be 12 dollar, 49, please! (Gradually, eyes open) I - - I think I’m fine. SUIT (Leaning in, pitch black) You’ve got until Monday to get all your crap out of the store. LATER. Apu SWEEPS THE FLOOR manically. Bart and Lisa stand beside the counter, both WATCHING. “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .5 Finally, Bart - eating at a tub of ICE CREAM - pipes up: BART What’s he doing…? LISA I think this is how he’s processing the news… BART Look how dead his eyes are. I mean, more so than normal for a guy who works in retail, anyway. LISA You’re right. And he’s sweating so much already that that broom is working more like a mop. Apu FLINGS HIS BROOM down the aisle, angrily, and comes back over to the counter - - SLAMMING HIS HEAD down on it. APU What am I going to do? BART - - You should probably put a wet floor sign down first before you do anything else, there, Sweaty. APU - - This job is my whole life. How can I just be thrown aside like some out- of-date jerky? LISA I suppose it was only a matter of time before a big business came in and ate the smaller one, completely destroying any sort of individuality that made that place special in the first place. BART I blame Disney. LISA Can we do anything to help, Apu? “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .6 APU No, no. I think for now I’m just going to stand in the ice cream freezer until I can figure out how to tell Manjula. A delirious Apu begins to climb in to the FREEZER - - as the two kids cautiously BACK OUT OF THE STORE, away from him. INT. APU & MANJULA’S APARTMENT – PORCH - NIGHT Apu enters, downbeat and broken. He takes off his JACKET, then his SHIRT, and finally his BULLETPROOF VEST, hanging them all up on the same PEG - - he moves on and every item of CLOTHING FALLS OFF. Apu goes in to - - INT. APU & MANJULA’S APARTMENT – BED ROOM - CONTINUOUS Manjula sits up in bed, having NOT EXPECTED Apu at all. MANJULA Apu! You are home from work, and six hours earlier than usual… what is wrong? APU (Climbing in to BED) Manjula, I have something I must to tell you. MANJULA What is it, husband? APU Well, you see - - Looking at her, intensely, he LOSES THE NERVE. APU (CONT’D) - - I love you very much. (She lets out a SMALL SIGH) You, uh, seem disappointed. MANJULA No! No! Complacent, perhaps, but, never disappointed. - - I love you too, Apu. “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .7 MANJULA (CONT’D) Was that all you had to tell me? APU Yes… I think I’m going to stay up for a bit and watch television. You go to sleep. She KISSES her wayward husband on the CHEEK, meaning it, and closes her eyes. Apu turns on the TELEVISION - - INSERT ON: A re-run of THE BIG BANG THEORY. The character, RAJ, is on screen, greeted by a LAUGH TRACK. CLOSE UP: APU. The LAUGH TRACK gets louder, with the audience laughing HARDER - - almost DIRECTED AT APU. Perturbed by the unfunny TV show, Apu turns the box OFF. APU (CONT’D) So… so awful. INT. APU & MANJULA’S APARTMENT – CHILDRENS’ BEDROOM - LATER Eight individual COTS – one of them resembling Apu’s SPORTS CAR - all with SLEEPING CHILDREN in them. Apu stands over the first - - KNEELING DOWN AND KISSING HIM on the forehead. He moves along to the SECOND COT - - kneeling down - - another kiss – then the third - - before GIVING UP entirely. APU I… I’m too tired. I’ll get to the rest of you tomorrow. LONG SHOT OF ROOM. Apu stands in the doorway, in the background of all of the cribs. APU (CONT’D) I only know half of your names. INT. SIMPSON’S HOUSE – LIVING ROOM - THE NEXT DAY Homer is sat on the couch, he almost SPITS OUT HIS DUFF IN SHOCK - - “Who Really Needs The Kwik-E-Mart?” .8 HOMER Barney did what? LISA No, Dad, listen. Some men came in to the Kwik-E-Mart yesterday - - HOMER Yuh-huh… LISA - - and told Apu. HOMER Go on… LISA - - that the store has been bought out, and that it’ll be turned in to something else entirely - - and that Apu will be out of a job in less than a week! Homer is unmoved - - before REALISING what was said - - HOMER Lenny did what? LISA Please, Dad. I need you to do something. HOMER Why me? He’s my friend, but doing something would also mean leaving this couch. LISA Please. HOMER Fineeeee. - - Go over it once more. EXT/ESTAB. KWIKI-E-MART – DAY The Kwik-E-Mart store has “CLOSING” signs in its WINDOW.