You Can Choose To Be Happy: “Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression with Research Evidence Tom G. Stevens PhD Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY: “Rise Above” Anxiety, Anger, and Depression With Research Evidence Tom G. Stevens PhD Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co. Palm Desert, California 92260 Revised (Second) Edition, 2010 First Edition, 1998; Printings, 2000, 2002. Copyright © 2010 by Tom G. Stevens PhD. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews; or except as provided by U. S. copyright law. For more information address Wheeler-Sutton Publishing Co. The cases mentioned herein are real, but key details were changed to protect identity. This book provides general information about complex issues and is not a substitute for professional help. Anyone needing help for serious problems should see a qualified professional. Printed on acid-free paper. Publisher’s Cataloging-in-Publication Data Stevens, Tom G., Ph.D. 1942- You can choose to be happy: rise above anxiety, anger, and depression./ Tom G. Stevens Ph.D. –2nd ed. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references. ISBN 978-0-9653377-2-4 1. Happiness. 2. Self-actualization (Psychology) I. Title. BF575.H27 S84 2010 (pbk.) 158-dc22 Library of Congress Control Number: 2009943621 CONTENTS INTRODUCTION: ...................................................................................................................... 8 Chapter 1: OUR SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS AND SELF-ACTUALIZATION .............. 12 MY OWN QUEST FOR HAPPINESS ..........................................................................................13 MASLOW'S CLASSIC STUDY OF SELF-ACTUALIZING PEOPLE ................................................14 MASLOW'S METAVALUES (or "Being" values).............................................................................16 MOVING TO HIGHER LEVEL RELATIONSHIPS AND GROUPS ...............................................17 EXTERNALLY-CENTERED (EC) VERSUS INTERNALLY-CENTERED (IC) VALUES .........................19 WHAT IF WE MAKE HAPPINESS A CONSCIOUS ULTIMATE CONCERN?...............................20 WHAT’S WRONG WITH MAKING HAPPINESS A TOP GOAL? ...............................................21 A NEW UNDERSTANDING FOR SOME COMMON TERMS ....................................................26 LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF........................................28 SEEKING THE TRUTH FROM MANY PERSPECTIVES ................................................................28 RESULTS OF RESEARCH TESTING THIS BOOK’S IDEAS ..........................................................29 CHOOSE TO LEARN AND BE HAPPY WHILE READING THIS BOOK ....................................31 THE YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY SELF-DEVELOPMENT PLAN .....................................32 Chapter 2: WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY: ....................................................... 36 DO YOUR EMOTIONS SEEM TO HAVE A "MIND OF THEIR OWN"? .....................................36 WE CAN CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY NOW ..................................................................................36 EMOTIONS ARE CONTROLLED MORE BY THOUGHTS THAN BY EXTERNAL EVENTS ........37 RESTATE "HELPLESSNESS" LANGUAGE INTO "CHOICE" LANGUAGE .....................................39 WE HAVE MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS--We are never helpless .........................................40 EXTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS .........................................................................................41 INTERNAL ROUTES TO HAPPINESS .........................................................................................43 LIFE AS A JOURNEY WITH MANY ROUTES TO HAPPINESS ...................................................45 NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AS GROWTH OPPORTUNITIES .........................................................45 HARMONIOUS FUNCTIONING AND HAPPINESS .................................................................46 SELF-EXPLORATION AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS ...........................................................48 HOW I USE SELF-EXPLORATION AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS ......................................50 Chapter 3: DEVELOP YOUR HIGHER SELF: ........................................................... 63 PERSONALITY CHANGE CAN BE SUDDEN, DRAMATIC, AND ENDURING ..........................63 HOW DO PEOPLE MAKE RADICAL PERSONAL OR LIFE STYLE CHANGES? ..........................64 REASON AND EMOTION AS DECISION GUIDES ....................................................................65 GIVING OUT OF UNSELFISH CARING INSTEAD OF OBLIGATION .......................................68 THE POWER OF THE HIGHER SELF DEPENDS ON………………………………………….. 70 UNPRODUCTIVE BELIEF SYSTEMS--They devalue health and happiness .................................71 GOAL OF HIGHER SELF IS HARMONY AMONG ALL MIND-BODY SYSTEMS .......................73 LIFE AND BODY AFFIRMING BELIEFS--How do we know what to believe? ............................73 ELEGANT BELIEFS--BOTH COMPREHENSIVE AND SIMPLE ....................................................74 AN INNER GROWING FORCE ..................................................................................................77 THE PROCESS OF INNER CONFLICT RESOLUTION………………………………….……… 77 REPLACE OLD BELIEFS WITH MORE FUNCTIONAL HIGHER SELF BELIEFS ..........................81 THE SOURCE OF MY NEW IDENTITY ......................................................................................82 SELF-ACTUALIZATION--THE RESULT OF A STRONG HIGHER SELF .......................................83 LIST YOUR TOP BELIEFS TO GIVE YOUR HIGHER SELF MORE POWER ................................84 4 / Dr. Tom G. Stevens Chapter 4: CREATE A POSITIVE WORLD BY ADOPTING A POSITIVE WORLD VIEW ....................................................... 88 WE CAN NEVER KNOW THE REAL EXTERNAL WORLD--ONLY OUR PERCEPTIONS........... 88 OUR TRUE REALITY IS OUR INNER WORLD--NOT THE EXTERNAL WORLD ...................... 88 OUR IDEAL WORLD versus REALITY: How can we be happy in an imperfect world? ............. 97 THERE ARE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF REACTIONS ..................................................................... 97 ACCEPTING THE "UNACCEPTABLE"--Such as Pain, Cruelty, and Death ................................... 98 WE CAN CHOOSE HOW WE WILL REACT TO DAILY NEGATIVE EVENTS .......................... 101 HOW CAN WE BE BOTH CARING AND HAPPY WHEN OTHERS ARE SUFFERING? .......... 101 IS CHOOSING TO THINK POSITIVELY BEING HONEST WITH MYSELF? ............................. 102 TURNING THE TIDE OF THOUSANDS OF THOUGHTS ...................................................... 112 Chapter 5: DEVELOP GREATER SELF-WORTH AND SELF-CONFIDENCE ............. 115 OUR SELF VIEWS HAVE POWER (including their own inertia) ............................................... 115 WHAT IS SELF-WORTH? ......................................................................................................... 118 HOW DO WE GET UNCONDITIONAL SELF-LOVE? ............................................................. 118 LOVING YOURSELF MEANS TAKING GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF ..................................... 120 WHAT DOES "SELF-IMAGE" MEAN? ....................................................................................... 120 SELF-ACCEPTANCE IS A PREREQUISITE FOR SELF-LOVE AND SELF-WORTH...................... 121 ACCEPTING OUR BODIES AND OUR BASIC CAPABILITIES IMPROVES SELF-WORTH ...... 121 YOUR SELF-IMAGE IS MORE POWERFUL THAN YOUR ACTUAL IMAGE ........................... 122 A PROCESS FOR ACCEPTING YOUR BODY AND APPEARANCE ......................................... 122 NEGATIVE SELF-BELIEFS GENERATE DYSFUNCTIONAL THOUGHTS AND HABITS............ 124 CREATE A POSITIVE, TRUTHFUL SELF-CONCEPT….………………………………………. 126 OUR SUBPARTS CAN UNDERMINE OUR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE ................................... 129 OUR SELF-CONCEPT AFFECTS OUR SELF-CONFIDENCE .................................................... 137 DEALING WITH PAST "FAILURES"--and low self-confidence .................................................. 138 SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS .................................................................................... 139 RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN LIFE SKILLS, HAPPINESS, AND SUCCESS ................................... 139 SELF-CONFIDENCE AND LIFE SKILLS RESEARCH—AREA BY AREA ..................................... 142 ADDITIONAL FACTORS THAT INCREASE SELF-CONFIDENCE ............................................. 143 Chapter 6: THE TRANSITION FROM EXTERNAL TO INTERNAL CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE ................................................................................................. 146 USING EXTERNAL versus INTERNAL EXPECTATIONS TO EVALUATE YOURSELF ................. 147 WHAT DO THEY WANT versus WHAT DO YOU WANT ..................................................... 148 APPROVAL AS A "MUST" versus APPROVAL AS A "BONUS" .................................................. 148 TRYING TO IMPRESS OTHERS versus FEELING GOOD ABOUT WHO YOU ARE ................ 150 TRYING TO BE POPULAR versus TAKING GOOD CARE ...................................................... 153 BEING TERRIFIED OF DISAPPROVAL versus ACCEPTING DISAPPROVAL ............................ 153 LETTING OTHERS MAKE DECISIONS FOR YOU versus MAKING THEM YOURSELF ........... 154 LETTING NEEDY OTHERS DOMINATE YOU ......................................................................... 156 LETTING OTHERS