ELLEN GOODMAN At Large Taking 'noj far an answer: the_ range of respanses from men BOSTON- Two weeks ago, in writing about three separate rape convictions, including the New Be~d ford case, I noted that ::i new definition of rape was fmally taking hold of the public consciousness . Juries in three separate cases had determined that, ''If she says no, it's rape." In that column, I also asked whether that same change of mind was part of our daily lives. Rapists, after all, carne out of a culture in which men were supposed to persist and women were supposed to resist. Many men grew up believing that a woman could say one thing and mean another. Since then, I have heard from any number of men, both in private conversations and in the mail , relating their own experiences with the yes-no-maybes of sexual relations. One lawyer told me about the time he took no fo r an answer, only to discover later that she had wanted persuasion. Another friend was convinced that many of the negative messages he received were ac tually mixed. Three of the letters I received were in some ways typical of the response from many men, angry or thoughtful. One can1.e from a Virginia husband and father of two who wrote, "You are wrong when you assert that if she says no, it's rape. By your defmition, I could have been guilty of rape a dozen times or more. But ... all of these 'victims' went out with me again, and many remain warm friends. By fostering such a broad definition you water down the true meaning of the word. You are lumping 'Not tonight dear, I have a headache' into the same category as the truly violent and brutal rapes that do occur. " Another man in Miami tried to sort out the messages he had been dealing with since adolescence: "I, in no way, mean to excuse the all­ too-often brutal response men have to the demurring female. But honestly, young boys grow into men hearing of the sexual con­ quests of other males who 'didn't take no for an answer.' Quite often the gentler male is left to suffer through the exploits of another who 'scored' where he didn't .... That scenario of our male world is closer ro everyday experience than most of us like to admit." Finally, a retired 80-year-old Floridian sent in a sexual riddle of his youth: "Question: What is the difference between a diplomat and a lady? Answer: When a diplomat says 'yes,' he means 'perhaps.' When he says, 'perhaps,' he means 'no.'When he says 'no,' he's no diplomat. When a lady says 'no,' she means 'perhaps.' When she says 'perhaps,' she means 'yes.' When she says 'yes,' she's no lady: " These three responses are not isolated. They are messages along the continuum of ingrained beliefs and real-life experiences. They re­ tell the cultural story of the "forceful man" and the "reluctant lady." The Virginian is not the first man to believe he was rewarded for his aggressive pursuit of a demure dozen. The Miamian is not the first man to wonder if his gentleness was foolish, even unmanly. The rid­ dle was not the first teaching tool for ladies who might be foolish enough to risk their reputation with an eager "yes." I believe that the actual number of double-messages are exagger­ ated in men's minds. Nevertheless, not every woman who says no means it . Not every woman who means yes says it. The yes-no­ maybes of our culture can produce an elaborate courtship dance to refrains of uncertainty and frustration. But that doesn't mean that an ambivalent or even a coy woman is equally responsible for the atmosphere that ends in scenes of sexual pressure or date rape or barroom pool tables. After all, if a man ac­ cepts her "no," what harm has been done? There are no destructive consequences, no violence, no cries of rape. If "no" is ignored, though, a woman, even one who cares for the man, learns that what she says doesn't matter. That she doesn 't mat­ ter. At least not as much as the scoreboard. The consequences are enormously destructive. We seek a great many things in the act that we call making love. Approval and affection as well as sex. Making love can edge.eas ily in­ to a power struggle. But denial and force are not equally weighted in this struggle. There is, simply stated, much more harm in aggression. In the end, the man who doesn't take no for an answer is only prov­ ing one thing: that he can take. • Ellen Goodman is a columnist for the Boston Globe and winner of the 1980 Pulitzer Prize for distinguished commentary. Rapes increase, ,homiG!des fall DETROIT - Rape and auto theft increased dra· matically during January and February, but homicidt and other major crimes were down, police said. Rape jumped 16.1 percent and auto theft 20.( percent. There also were increases in aggravatec assault, 6.3 percent, and larceny, 5.4 percent. Homicide dipped 19.2 percent. Robbery was dowr 6.8 percent, and burglary 19.6 percent. Overall majOJ crime dropped 1.0 percent. Chief William Hart said police can't take credit fo1 the homicide drop because "it's usually a famil) matter ... and it has a lot to do with the weather.' But he attributed the overall decrease to th community, police and news media "getting togethe to try to combat the problem of rape. This led t increased citizen awareness of crime." Many rapistS' linew victims By SANDY McCLURE Free Press Staff Writer Nearly half the women and children raped in Detroit during January and February were victimized by relatives or persons they knew, according to Detroit Police Department statistics. Relatives or acquaintances were in­ volved in 46 percent of the 346 assaul­ tive sex crimes, according to police. Police Chief William Hart said Tues· day that sex crimes allegedly commit- ted by family members or acquaint­ ances of the victims are "hard to deal ~ with" because family members are ashamed but not outraged enough to make full reports to police. Hart added: "This kind of thing will ··i go on for generation after generation unless it is stopped at some point. The way you stop it is to intervene." OF THE 226 .Detroit sex crimes '. categorized as first-degree criminal sexual conduct, 100 cases, or 41 per· cent, involved relatives or acquaint­ , nces. First-degree criminal sexual assault mcludes sexual penetration and use of a ' ..• eapon, and sexual assaults on children ·: .·: ounger than 13, police said. · .. Of the 13 second-degree criminal ·• . - sexual conduct cases reported to police, ·· · 54 percent involved relatives or ac· .,· • • BUaintances. Second-degree assault in- ' , ~ eludes sexual contact, use of a weapon, ·•. ~ · orce or coercion resulting in injury. · Twenty eight - or 80 percent - of , • _ [he 35 third-degree criminal sexual con-· '. ; luct cases reported to police involved , . ictims who knew or were related to - . eir assailants. • Of the 23 fourth-degree criminal exual conduct cases reported, nearly a urth involved relatives or acquaint­ nces. If people are airaid that calling po­ ce will get family members in trouble, ey may call the Rape Counseling enter at 832-2530 for guidance any- me, Hart_s_a_id_. ___ ------- MASS. TRIAL MAY HAVE BEEN SPUR Girl, 10, allegedly raped on pool table by boy, 12 By TODD HEATH pre-trial hearing was set for May 4 and Associated Press a trial for May 21. PROVIDENCE, R.I. - A 12-year­ Detective Stephen West said the old boy was arraigned Tuesday on attack came March 26, the same day charges that he sexually assaulted a girl 'four men were given sentences ranging on a pool table wpile other children from six to 12 years on charges of watched, and officials said he may have aggravated rape in Massachusetts. taken the idea from watching a Massa­ In that case, authorities said a wom­ chusetts gang-rape trial on television. an was held on a pool table and raped March 6, 1983, at Big Dan's Tavern in "The kid unfortunately watched too New Bedford, Mass., while other bar · much stuff on TV," said Ja\!k McMa­ customers watched. At Superior Court hon, head of the attorney general's ; trials in Fall River, Mass., two other juvenile prosecution unit. The girl who ' men were acquitted. allegedly was assaulted is 10. The trials were the focus .of national The unidentified Pawtucket youth attention and large segments were car- : pleaded not guilty to first-degree sexual ried live on Cable News Network. 1 assault in Family Court and was under­ According to West, the boy's mother going counseling voluntarily, McMa­ said her son saw some of the coverage. hon said. The boy has been released to It was unclear how much the boy saw his parents. or whether he watched the trial on the McMahon described the boy as Cable News Network or saw other TV "pint-sized at about four feet tall.'l A news reports. 1 ' • .RAPE ~ - Th~ city should leave no doubt ~bout its commitment to prevent this crime : THE HEAD OF a local rape counseling where demonstrate time and time again· ag'ency has charged the Young administra- that rape is crime where victims have to tion with failing to appreciate the agency's document their injuries and defend them­ 'mportance- an allegation tough to docu-' selves. A woman who does not vigorously ment but troubling all the same.