THOMAS KYD’S THE SCOTTISH LADY by James Lewis Huss A SMITH SCRIPT This script is protected by copyright laws. No performance of this script – IN ANY MEDIA – may be undertaken without payment of the appropriate fee and obtaining a licence. For further information, please contact SMITH SCRIPTS at [email protected] Thomas Kyd’s The Scottish Lady by James Lewis Huss © 2021 James Lewis Huss All Rights Reserved Cast of Characters: Gruoch, Lady Macbeth Macbeth, Thane of Glamis/King of Scotland Suthen, Lady Duncan Darcel, Lady Macduff Macduff, Thane of Fife Banquo, Thane of Lochaber Malcolm, Thane of Ross Agnes of Alba Alanis Muir Euphame the Pict Chambermaid Physician First Guard Second Guard 1 ACT I 2 Scene 1 [Castle Forres] 3 GRUOCH, Lady Macbeth; SUTHEN, Lady Duncan; and DARCEL, Lady Macduff, are playing cards 4 and drinking wine. 5 GRUOCH: We three should meet more often. 6 DARCEL: I would brave 7 The lightning, thunder, and the rain to meet 8 Again. 9 SUTHEN: When all the hurly-burly’s done 10 We’ll have more time for cards and wine. 11 DARCEL: Salud! 12 GRUOCH: When all the hurly-burly’s done … the men 13 Who run this kingdom spend their energy 14 Competing for the monarchy. Withal, 15 The hurly-burly’s never done. They’ll all 16 Be in their graves before too long if they 17 Don’t cease this toxic test of penis length. 18 DARCEL: They’re always whipping out their little blades 19 And swinging them about. Our husbands’ war 20 Machine is making Scotland ill. 21 GRUOCH: And still 22 The people to those feckless peckers kneel. 1 | P a g e 23 SUTHEN: I’d rather be a pauper working in 24 The fields than suffer this incessant stress. 25 DARCEL: Your husband placed a target on his brow 26 The moment he accepted Scotland’s crown. 27 GROUCH: These bastards are enraptured by that crown. 28 DARCEL: Our bloody cousins will not hesitate 29 To kill each other if the crown’s at stake. 30 SUTHEN: My husband’s fine for now. He’s so afraid 31 Of Cawdor that he’s hiding in his tent 32 While Gruoch’s husband does the dirty work. 33 GRUOCH: My husband he is not. My husband died. 34 DARCEL: So what’s it like to fuck the lucky louse 35 Who set ablaze your former spouse? 36 SUTHEN: Darcel! 37 GRUOCH: He doesn’t get that lucky. He can’t get 38 It up but once a month! 39 DARCEL: Well, lucky you. 40 GRUOCH: And when he finally does, I close my eyes 41 And think about Macduff. 42 DARCEL: Go to! 43 GRUOCH: ‘Tis true! 44 DARCEL: You have a thing for pale and stupid men? 45 SUTHEN: Darcel! 2 | P a g e 46 GRUOCH: I like them fat and hairy too! 47 They laugh. DARCEL raises her glass. 48 DARCEL: Salud! 49 SUTHEN: You two are brutal. You don’t like 50 A thing about your husbands? Not a thing? 51 GRUOCH: If I thought I could get away with it, 52 I’d take my blade and drain him like a sheep 53 For taking kind and brave Macmail from me. 54 SUTHEN: You shouldn’t hold a grudge, for it does naught 55 To change the life that has been taken. Glamis 56 And Fife and Duncan all were taught from birth 57 That they must manly be, and fighting makes 58 Them manly. That’s just how these beasts behave. 59 DARCEL: Their fragile masculinity is so 60 Damn tedious. Macduff will not shut up 61 About how great he is in battle, and 62 How one day he’ll be king, and blah blah blah, 63 And I don’t understand because his dick 64 Is really not that small. 65 GRUOCH: They’ll all go to 66 Their graves upon the edge of family blades. 67 SUTHEN: I beg of you to change the topic. I, 68 Unlike the two of you, adore my spouse. 3 | P a g e 69 GRUOCH: My husband is a wretch. The only good 70 That came with wedding him was Inverness. 71 DARCEL: I’d love to live in Inverness. 72 SUTHEN: It’s quaint. 73 But Castle Forres is so spacious. 74 GRUOCH: Oh, 75 I’d kill to live in Forres. It’s divine. 76 DARCEL: Be patient. You might get your chance, unless 77 Your spouse is gutted on the battleground. 78 SUTHEN: Go to! 79 GRUOCH: The Thane of Glamis will win his fight. 80 If there’s one thing he’s good with, it’s his might. 81 SUTHEN: Withal, my husband will not die by sword. 82 He’ll end his life in bed, surrounded by 83 His family, for he’s a king of law 84 And order, rule and peace. 85 GRUOCH: That’s why he sent 86 The Thanes of Glamis and Fife to fight his war 87 While he enjoys reports and stories of 88 Their triumphs from the comfort of his tent. 89 SUTHEN: It’s not his war. Those scoundrels in the North 90 Revolted. Duncan had no choice. Besides, 91 The Thanes of Glamis and Fife will neither see 4 | P a g e 92 The Scottish crown, unless they kill for it. 93 GRUOCH: What do you mean? 94 SUTHEN: My husband plans to name 95 Our elder boy the Prince of Cumberland. 96 DARCEL: But is that even legal? 97 GRUOCH: Duncan will 98 Profane our ancient laws of tanistry 99 With this display of brazen vanity. 100 SUTHEN: Those ancient laws have led our nation down 101 A path of constant conflict, blood for blood, 102 Assassination. Is this what you want 103 For Scotland? 104 GRUOCH: Scotland will remain beneath 105 A violent hand as long as men command. 106 DARCEL: And it will never change. King Malcolm tried 107 To end the patriline. Withal, his crown 108 Was passed to Duncan. 109 SUTHEN: That’s exactly why 110 My husband wants to change succession law. 111 A son is still a son no matter what. 112 GRUOCH: A son, a son, it’s always for a son. 113 SUTHEN: No biased council can deliberate 114 His right to wear the crown upon his brow. 5 | P a g e 115 This will bring peace to our unstable state. 116 GRUOCH: No Scot will let our monarchy descend 117 Into a nepotistic dynasty. 118 DARCEL: Your spouse will make a dire mistake if he 119 Unto his eldest promises the throne. 120 GRUOCH: The din and caterwaul will drown him out. 121 He doesn’t have the clout to change that law. 122 SUTHEN: You shouldn’t bitch about my husband. Thanks 123 To him, the daring Thane of Glamis will be 124 Awarded Cawdor if he wins his war. 125 Your spouse will make no play for Duncan’s crown. 126 GRUOCH: He’s granting Cawdor to the Thane of Glamis? 127 DARCEL: But Fife’s in line for Cawdor! 128 GRUOCH: Does he know? 129 SUTHEN: Not yet. 130 DARCEL: And what about Macduff? 131 SUTHEN: Macduff? 132 He hasn’t said. And Duncan tells me all. 133 GRUOCH: The Thane of Cawdor … 134 SUTHEN: It will be a great 135 Surprise. 136 GRUOCH: And Glamis knows not? 137 SUTHEN: He’s in the dark. 6 | P a g e 138 The king will grant the title once he quells 139 This vile rebellion. 140 DARCEL: You mean when the Thanes 141 Of Fife and Glamis defeat the renegades. 142 SUTHEN: Whatever. You’re just being catty now. 143 DARCEL: Oh my, look at the time. It’s getting late. 144 DARCEL starts to leave. GROUCH follows her. 145 GRUOCH: Indeed, we’ve overstayed our welcome. And 146 I have a … thing tonight. 147 SUTHEN: Ta ta, my loves. 148 And don’t be strangers to your coz. 149 GRUOCH/DARCEL: Ta ta. 150 GRUOCH (aside to DARCEL): That lying bitch knows more than she admits. 151 If only I could hire a witch to charm 152 Her into spilling all the dirt she knew. 153 DARCEL (aside to GRUOCH): I know a few. I mean, they claim to be. 154 But really they’re just fag-ma-fuffs who use 155 Their ‘charms’ to cheat their neighbors out of stuff. 156 I’ve heard they toss some henbane root into 157 Their cauldron, and the brew beguiles the fools 158 With sounds and sights. Hallucinations make 159 Their magic and prognostication seem 160 As true as Jesu Christ. But in the end 7 | P a g e 161 The charms are only lies and double-talk. 162 GRUOCH (aside to DARCEL): Entire nations have been overthrown 163 With lies and double-talk. Forget that wench. 164 I have a duty better suited to 165 Your chatty hags. 166 DARCEL (aside to GRUOCH): And what, pray tell, is that? 167 GRUOCH (aside to DARCEL): Be guiltless of this knowledge, dearest coz, 168 Till thou applaud the deed. But trust me—in 169 The end our husbands will agree to do 170 Whate’er we want them to. 171 DARCEL (aside to GRUOCH): You cunning bitch. 172 Remind me not to fuck with thee. Godspeed. 173 Exit DARCEL. 174 GRUOCH: The Thane of Cawdor—Suthen has betrayed 175 The perfect information. I will bribe 176 Those phony witches to prognosticate 177 A phony fate and then manipulate 178 His knavish superstitions until Death 179 Alone can free the mind of brave Macbeth.