JUL/AUG 2016 Bereaved Parents of the USA Anne Arundel County Chapter COPYRIGHT © 2016 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED Our Children Remembered With you went so much of me… Eric Eugene Maier 8/8/1961 - 7/5/1984 “For our wonderful son” Tria Marie Castiglia 7/6/1963 - 10/14/1984 In memory of our dear Tria. Love forever, Dad, Mom and sister Carla. We miss her every day and one day we will be together forever. JUL/AUG 2016 Healing with my Hands In September of 2010 my 25 year old son went into the hospital with a flare up of the Crohn's disease that had been interfering with his life for over 12 years. We expected a 3-4 day stay which was his norm. After a few days of fluids and steroids he would be on his way to a quick recovery. What really happened is that he barely made it home after 2 1/2 months of intensive care and rehab, multiple surgeries, dozens of procedures, a weight loss of 50 pounds and the loss of the life he knew. For this Mama it was the most frightening, agonizing, and heartbreaking time of her life. I plummeted into a dark abyss of which I had never experienced before. Fear and anxiety plagued my every waking moment. Without the aid of a sleeping pill, it also visited me in my sleep. When Tommy died suddenly in March of 2011, I fell even deeper into the abyss. I cared not for surviving and thought endlessly of joining him. Along with my intense need to see him again, my heart and soul needed a respite from the excruciating heartbreak. My every thought was of my son and what had happened to him. My unkind brain had stored every image of his suffering and relentlessly ran these images in an endless loop of torture and despair. The only way out of this nightmare, to me, was to join my son in his new Heavenly home. About a year later an article in the local newspaper somehow caught the attention of my fog filled brain. A local woman had opened a furniture shop in a nearby town and filled it with worn-down antiques painted in chalk paint. Eventually I found myself at the shop, very eager to see it. The shop owner enthusiastically shared with me how it was done. It was amazing how beautiful everything looked. I went home and immediately started researching Annie Sloan chalk paint. An intense need to try it myself began to emerge. Armed with my first can of paint, I found some worn- down pieces and set out to make them beautiful again. And an astonishing thing happened. The endless loop in my brain was interrupted with thoughts of color, design and technique. I became hyper-focused with the project at hand, critiquing every brush stroke, paying attention to the littlest detail. Not being artistic or creative, it would take me many hours to complete a project. I would glance at the clock and be shocked to see that 3-4 hours had passed and I was still alive and yes, even breathing. After two years of nothing but darkness, I now saw blues, greens, reds, and every color in between. I soon discovered that, while tragically not able to save my son's life, I was instead, able to restore a forgotten, once loved, piece of furniture. Though I am in no way comparing my precious son's life to that of a piece of furniture, with that discovery came healing and hope. Though still emerging from the darkness, light and colors have replaced most of it. And for that I am forever grateful. Mary Redmiles Mom to Tommy, forever young ♥ JUL/AUG 2016 Public Unawareness I am always amazed that we can put a man on the moon, send documents across the world in minutes, leave messages on people’s machines, and the list goes on. Yet, the general public (especially the new media) sticks to the idea that grief is a fleeting emotion that passes in a few weeks or months. I am referring to the many commentaries that have inaptly characterized the families whose loved ones died in the Oklahoma City bombing. Several television reports declared that it will take weeks, or maybe months, before the families “will get over this”. Please! We know better. It seems that the old cliche’ “until you have walked a mile in my shoes” holds much wisdom. There is no getting over the death of one’s child. Those of us who are old in our grief have learned a new kind of tolerance for such statements. For you who are new in your grief, we understand how such statements hurt and undermine your own emotional healing. You are made to feel even more weak, and somehow not as capable as others. It’s a slow and painful process that brings us finally to an acceptance, perhaps. But it cannot be said that that any parent is every over it. Grief recovery, if I may use that term, is the result of eventually coming to a deeper understanding of life, its meaning, and death’s rightful place in it. Out of all the pain and sorrow, bereaved families do find peace and a new compassion we may not have known before. For all newly bereaved families, cry your tears, unleash your rage, lean into the pain, feel all your emotions. Most of all, hold on to your children in your hearts, hold on to your memories, With lots of time, you will see through more knowledgeable eyes, more loving hearts. ~Shirley Carrigan, BPUSA, Denton, TX Reprinted from “Where Are All the Butterflies” JUL/AUG 2016 NATIONAL BEREAVED PARENTS MONTH July is recognized as National Bereaved Parents Month. The loss of a child is the most inconsolable of losses to deal with. It violates the natural order of things and it’s not fair for an innocent to see their dreams unfulfilled. As parents, we feel we are solely responsible for the well-being of our children and we may feel like we have failed and let our child down. There are so many expressions of grief after the loss of a child, that often it is hard to sort out how a bereaved parent is really coping. These are a few of the expressions described at http://www.kulkkula.com/bereavementawareness/parents.htm: Disbelief: Often people will comment on how well they are doing, but it could be, they just don`t believe that it has really happened. Shock: The bereaved parent may feel or appear disoriented, restless, numb, bewildered, stunned and unable to think. Sobbing/Crying: Sobbing is helpful to cry to release all that pent-up emotion. Physical Symptoms: The bereaved parent may lack or have an increase of appetite; sleeplessness or oversleeping; knot or emptiness in pit of stomach; tightness in throat; shaky legs; headaches; trembling; chills; fatigue; chest pains; general achiness; difficulty swallowing and/or speaking; digestive disorders (indigestion, nausea, diarrhea); feeling weak or faint; tension; slower in speech or movement; temporary paralysis of limb or sight. Denial: The bereaved parent may subconsciously be searching for their child when out in a crowd or when they open the door. Why?: “WHY” seems to need to be asked repeatedly in an effort to make sense of the loss. Repetition: The bereaved parent may repeat the same things to the same people. Reality of Death: This is a frightening time as it may seem as if the bereaved parent is going backwards. Confusion: The simplest decisions may seem impossible and the bereaved parent may have difficulty concentrating. Idealization: The bereaved parent may only see their child as perfect and may compare themselves or others to that loved one. Identification: The bereaved parent may seek to identify with their child by wearing their clothes or taking up a sport they liked. Anxiety/Panic: The bereaved parent may fear being alone or be worried about the future. They may feel like they are losing control or are “going crazy.” JUL/AUG 2016 Bargaining: The parent may try to bargain with God that “things will be different;” or that they will try to be a better person if only their child can be alive again. Depression: Sometimes the bereaved parent may hurt so much that they just don’t care about anything. It may be an effort just to get out of bed, to shop, or fix a simple meal. Relief (Laughter): This phase comes and goes and the bereaved parent may be able to recall the fun times. Lowered Self-Esteem: A bereaved parent’s confidence is often undermined. Preoccupation: The bereaved parent may think of nothing but the loss. Guilt: Bereaved parents tend to blame themselves for something they did or didn’t do that may have contributed to the death, or for things that wished that they had done for their child. Anger: Anger is normal. Pushing down anger is harmful. Loneliness: The bereaved parent may feel intense loneliness due to the absence of their child, because they are unable to share thoughts and feelings, to touch, or to be understood. Despair: The bereaved parent may feel as if there would be little difference if they lived or died. They may have suicidal thoughts. Sadness: These feelings seem to pervade their life. Helplessness: The bereaved parent may feel that they are unable to help themselves or others cope, or get better. Envy: They may feel jealous of people who still have their child.