B2 THE SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE SUNDAY • NOVEMBER 25, 2018 MEDIATE THIS ! THE ALLURE OF THE COSTLY COLLEGE ON THE EAST COAST BY STEVEN P. DINKIN a “dependency override” status. arships and low-interest loans is a When the two generations smart investment. And a student Community mediators at the finally sit down to talk about who will work part-time to defray National Conflict Resolution higher education, they typically her living expenses is well on her Center routinely work with fam- have trouble communicating way to personal autonomy. ilies that need help with parent- because they are speaking differ- The deciding factor may be teen conflicts. Each fall, as seniors ent languages. what the family can realistically apply to college, families struggle Parents talk quantitatively: It’s afford. Crunching the numbers to decide which institutions rep- about the money, the expense of and listing comparative expenses resent the best choice. We explore out-of-state tuition and housing, can clarify this. Would the savings this category today by using an the back-and-forth travel. Stu- of tens of thousands of dollars example of an A-plus local student dents talk qualitatively: It’s about erase a looming debt? Or would who is determined to attend an institutional prestige, educational that money likely go toward an Ivy League school and her par- quality, the strengths of a specific expensive new car that isn’t neces- ents who are adamantly opposed academic program. sary? to their daughter moving 3,000 Mediators strive to help oppos- Once the decision is made miles away to pursue a degree ing sides reach consensus. But jointly and the deposit is sent in, that would cost far less here in these college selection deadlocks the family can start preparing for California. are skewed by a power imbalance. a much tougher challenge that is One of the great philosophical Parents actually can veto a stu- GETTY IMAGES just months away: that searing questions about parenting is: At dent’s preference by withholding This week’s column looks at a parent’s and daughter’s dispute moment on the first day of college what age are children the most financial support and refusing to about attending an Ivy League college or staying in California. when heartsick parents cannot formidable? Terrible twos? sign financial aid applications. bear to let go and elated freshman Tweens? Teens? This would constitute a pyrrhic the best way forward. First, the rankings and famous alumni, students cannot wait to break The correct answer is that victory. It’s one thing to tell a family should delay the choice as parents can ask seniors to read a free. every stage of childhood enjoys its 5-year-old he cannot play in the long as possible. Second, they 2014 Time Magazine feature titled own special hegemony. But there’s street. It’s another to tell an 18- should keep all options open and “It Doesn’t Matter Where You Go Steven P. Dinkin is a professional mediator a case to be made that adoles- year-old she must attend the continue exploring alternatives. to College.” The article summa- who has served as President of the cents on the cusp of adulthood are college you have chosen for her. The intricate dance of college rized research that future earn- San-Diego based National Conflict uniquely daunting because their Such coercion can generate acceptance and tuition/aid nego- ings and career satisfaction are Resolution Center since 2003. Do you have emancipation is within reach. deep-rooted resentment, the kind tiations gives applicants time to not determined by the name on a conflict that needs a resolution? Please This complicates college selec- that strains the ties between make a final commitment. If they your school sweatshirt but by share your story with The Mediator via tion disputes because both sides aging parents and adult children. resist the impulse to rush to the “what you will do, at college and in email at [email protected] or as believe they have veto power. A wiser approach would be to finish line, they can make a ratio- life, to keep improving your skills, an online submission by visiting Parents assume they have ulti- respect this young woman by nal call based on calm delibera- to develop your character, to www.ncrconline.com/MediateThis. All mate authority over their still- giving her a voice in the decision- tion. remain persistent.” submissions will be kept anonymous. If you dependent child. Students envi- making process. To counter the emotional sway On the pivotal issue of finance, have questions, please email me at sion gaining self-rule by means of So a two-pronged armistice is of brochures that tout survey time spent inquiring into schol- [email protected] NOTEBOOKS From Union-Tribune reporting staff TELEVISION: JOHN WILKENS OUTDOORS: ERNIE COWAN ‘Antiques’ episodes to air next year Take care to avoid prickly situations “Antiques Roadshow,” the popular PBS at $125,000 to $150,000. Imagine the youthful delight at the prickly TV program, has announced the air dates for People chosen for the on-air verdicts don’t situation one of our pals had gotten himself three hour-long episodes filmed earlier this know beforehand whether what they’ve into. year at the Hotel del Coronado. brought is a treasure, or trash. The producers The name is being withheld to protect the They are scheduled for Feb. 18, Feb. 25, and want to capture their reactions as they unfold. embarrassed. April 1. All three are Mondays. The show airs Most episodes include a mix of good and not- It was decades ago, but a visual I have locally on KPBS at 8 p.m. so-good news. enjoyed many times since as I’ve watched About 3,000 people attended the day-long In announcing the air dates, PBS offered no others endure the same misfortune. taping on May 29 after winning tickets through details about what will be shown from the Hotel This was one of my early adventures into a lottery. More than 13,000 had applied. Del, which was chosen as the location because the desert as a young Boy Scout. One of our They brought the usual assortment of of its rich history. Executive Producer Marsha members had backed into a cholla cactus family heirlooms and dumpster finds — Bemko said during the taping she was hoping and balls of the pesky plant were firmly atta- paintings, clocks, sports memorabilia, rugs, for something connected to L. Frank Baum, the ched to his behind. books and on and on — and waited in lines to “Wizard of Oz” author who wrote some his sto- The gang of Scouts gathered around as ERNIE COWAN have them appraised by one of 65 experts ries while living in Coronado. the victim dropped his trousers while the A rattlesnake with a ball of cactus from around the country. One of the taped appraisals that the scoutmaster began the painful task of remov- stuck to its side. About 70 of the items were chosen for ap- Union-Tribune was allowed to watch involved ing the hooked spines. It was a memorable praisals that were done in front of the TV cam- a woman named Nicki (“Roadshow” media event with a very high snicker factor. cactus lobe in your shoe, and as you walk, find eras. Those are the ones that will be included rules allow only first names to be used) who It was also a life lesson on surviving the it transferred to your ankle or calf. in the upcoming episodes, which will be part came from the Central Valley with a book of harsh environment of San Diego’s deserts. The very sharp and stiff spines are barbed of the show’s 23rd season. “Los Caprichos” prints by Goya. Anza-Borrego Desert State Park is a at the end, which make them especially hard The program typically draws about 8 mil- Purchased at an estate sale for about $20, place where just about everything has claws, to remove, not to mention painful. People lion viewers every week. the prints were examined by Todd Weyman, spines, thorns or fangs. It’s a beautiful and often try to shake the cactus from their This is the third time “Antiques Road- from Swann Auction Galleries in New York, magical place, but one where awareness and hands, but this can just send the prickly ball show” has been in San Diego. The last time, in who told Nicki they were worth somewhere caution rise to an advanced level. flying to other parts of your body, such as 2010, a painting thought by its owner to be between $5,000 and $6,000. Cooler fall weather is the time when thou- your face. worth $4,500 was appraised at up to $300,000. sands pack up and head east to enjoy fun in So, what are the rules for surviving in A Turkish rug, found in the trash, was valued [email protected] the desert. So, let me offer a short tutorial on cactus country? Yes, you are in the sand, but surviving one of the desert’s most frequent this is not the beach. unpleasant encounters. First, and foremost, is to never, ever wear There are several species of cholla cactus. flip flops, open toed shoes or even thin tennis Daily difference Toys and school supplies: Cut by Grunts, a All have sharp spines, but there is one par- shoes while traveling in cactus country. veterans-led charity, is conducting a drive to ticular species that is extra unpleasant.