The Convention Ear 58 (Y)Ears of Telling It Like It Isn’t! Wednesday, July 25, 2018 Volume LIX, Issue III 25 Hour Convention Coverage Astronomers, Classicists Scramble to Invent Twelve More Stories About Zeus in Order to Name New Moons of Jupiter That’s Entertainment! Results With the recent discovery of twelve new moons around Jupiter, astronomers Congratulations to the following dele- and classicists have put aside their differences (they’ve agreed to spell it gates who have been selected to per- “Jupiter” not “Iuppiter”) to take on the challenge of naming the celestial bod- ies. As is tradition, the new moons will be named after various loves the king form in That's Entertainment! of the gods was said to have had; the only problem is, after 53 moons, we’ve Soren Adams (KY) run out of names. Madelyn Bedard & Ruth Weaver (MA) “This is a different kind of nomenclature problem than what we’re used to,” Cameron Crowley (TX) said astronomer Dr. Joey Chatelain, who looks at the sky for a living. “We’ve Sophia Dort (VA) already used Metis, Adrastea, Amalthea, Thebe, Io, Europa, Ganymede, Cal- Jeffrey Frenkel-Popell (CA) listo,” <we left at this point, did laundry, got lunch, then came back - the list Keon Honaryar (CA) was still going> “... Sinope, Sponde, Autonoe, Megaclite, and S/2003 J 2. We Kiana Hu (CA) simply don’t have any more names to use.” Illinois Dance Troupe (IL) To solve this problem, astronomers have turned to classicists for help. “The Owen Lockwood (OH) answer is simple,” said one leading Classics professor, who wished to remain Akhila Nataraj (FL) anonymous. “We can just make up some more stories. Nobody can keep all of James Sauls (FL) them straight, so it’s unlikely students will notice. This will be just like in the Albert Ting & Aric Ting (GA) 1960s, when we finally ran out of things to say about the Aeneid. So, we just invented ‘word pictures’ and spent decades telling people they were real and These delegates must meet with Tyler that Virgil totally meant for it to look that way on a modern page.” Heist directly after GA III in front of the stage. Bring your music, if any, on a For example, he offered an exclusive sneak peek at one idea. “We figured: USB drive. If there are any problems, Zeus would probably really love Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell, so now contact him via text at 859-815-9234. there’s a myth about him transforming into a golden Toyota Prius and de- scending upon the restaurant at 3 in the morning. Call up Edith Hamilton, and Thanks to all the acts that auditioned! we’ll add it to the 2019 edition.” Daily Life Advice from the Fab Five “Stay energized for testing sessions. Gua- camole from Garden Commons mixed with a dollop of Greek yogurt and I mean, it wasn’t built in fresh cilantro is a great brain snack.” a day! Antoni 1 Competitive Certamen Scores Ask Woody With Woodrow “Woody’” Wills After Rounds 1 & 2 Hey Woody, you’re a former coach. What are your key strategies for Certamen? A: Woody wills you to play physical, play tough, and play NOVICE through any and all pain. Rd. 1 Rd. 2 Score Hey Woody, I met a cute girl and I think its JCLove. Any dance Alpha 30 135 165 move suggestion to wow the ladies? Arizona 100 55 155 A: Woody wills you to lead with the shoulders, follow Beta 0 20 20 through with the head, finish with the toenails. California 110* 40 150 DC 180 145 325 Hey Woody, I took your Certamen advice and I’m seeing only Florida 190 230 420 the color blue. Should I seek medical assistance? Georgia 45 60 105 A: Woody wills you to keep playing the game the right way, Illinois 20 85 105 son. Indiana 25 30 55 Kentucky 30 10 40 Hey Woody, who’s your favorite Roman? Massachusetts 165 205 370 A: Horatius Cocles, talk about sacrificing your body for the New Hampshire 85* 115* 200 good of the team. North Carolina 50 55 105 Hey Woody, what’s the proper way to wear shorts? Ohio 95 65 160 A: High and tight, just like we did in the 60s. (Editor’s note, Tennessee 60 30 90 if you wear shorts at this length you will be sent home at Texas 165 130 295 your parents’ expense) Virginia 125 130 255 Wisconsin 45 95 140 INTERMEDIATE INTERMEDIATE ADVANCED Rd. 1 Rd. 2 Score Rd. 1 Rd. 2 Score California 80* 45 125 Alabama 20 30 50 Alpha 10 135* 145 Delta 75 30 105 Beta 60 70 130 Florida 130 220 350 California 140* 120 260 Gamma 20 20 40 Colorado 100 30 130 Georgia 265 75 340 DC 100 30 130 Illinois 145 205 350 Florida 235 240* 475 Indiana 25 40 65 Georgia 105 20 125 Louisiana 45 10 55 Illinois 100 90 190 Maryland 75 45 120 Indiana 35 10 45 Kentucky 20 30 50 Massachusetts 95 165 260 Louisiana 0 20 20 North Carolina 35 130 165 Massachusetts 260 185 445 New Hampshire 200* 105* 305 New Hampshire 205* 90 295 New Jersey 30 10 40 North Carolina 10 45 55 Ohio 165 50 215 Ohio 255 155* 410 Oklahoma 0 0 0 Oklahoma 0 0 0 Texas 115 165 280 Tennessee 65 50 115 Texas 170 240 410 Virginia 135* 90* 225 Virginia 325* 175 500 Wisconsin 185 195* 380 Wisconsin 145 265* 410 *- Adjudicated Score 2 Meet the Candidates 1: What would the name of your debut album be? 2: Which Skittle flavor is the best? 3: What is your favorite show to binge watch? Name: Garrett Frye-Mason State delegation: New Mexico Office sought: President Number of NJCL conventions attended: 4 1. “Breaking Bad: The Musical!” I live in Albuquerque. Catch my band “Garrett and the Wolf Gang” singing those sweet tunes with my dogs howling back up. 2. I don’t eat Skittles, so I’m going to have to go with Danny DeVito. 3. The only answer to this question is The Office. - Garrett - Michael Scott Name: Natasha Panduwawala State delegation: Maryland Office sought: President Number of NJCL conventions attended: 3 1. “Tasha From the Block” because “no matter where I go, I know where I came from.” 2. Pineapple Passion (that blue, tropical one) is the best Skittle because I can feel like I’m in the tropics without actually boarding a plane. 3. This Is Us – it is so realistic and gets you in ALL of your feels. Name: Aleah Malik State delegation: Illinois Office sought: 1st Vice President Number of NJCL conventions attended: 3 1. “Aleah iacta est” 2. Strawberry – not too bold, not too mild, has an authentic fruity flavor, and leaves a nice aftertaste. 3. To be honest, I’m more of a podcast person, but I do binge Black Mirror. Name: Shir Bloch State delegation: WI Office sought: NJCL 1st VP Number of NJCL conventions attended: this is my 3rd 1. My debut album would be called "Sleepless" because I tend to get super excited about things and then have trouble falling asleep. To be completely honest, most of those things are Latin! 2. The yellow skittles are the best. Try them and put my theory to the test. 3. I have been watching Seinfeld recently, although I also love Broadchurch and The Crown. Don’t forget to submit your personals for $1 in the NJCL Office, which is located in Armstrong Room 1082! 3 Meet the Candidates 1: What would the name of your debut album be? 2: Which Skittle flavor is the best? 3: What is your favorite show to binge watch? Name: Ellie Davis State delegation: Louisiana Office sought: 2nd Vice President Number of NJCL conventions attended: 2, going on 3 1. “If Rainbows Made a Sound” – I’m often described as a SPIRITED person, and also if I were a goddess, I would be this. 2. All of them together. You’ve got to taste the whole rainbow. 3. Currently New Girl, but Sherlock is my all-time favorite. Name: Michaela Phan State delegation: New Hampshire Office sought: 2nd Vice President Number of NJCL conventions attended: 3 1. “Michaelalala” because it’s light-hearted and doesn’t reveal how bad at singing I am. 2. The red one because it’s a classic! 3. How I Met Your Mother because the friend group dynamic is iconic, and Barney Stinson’s character never gets old! Name: Natalie Hilderbrand State delegation: California Office sought: Communications Coordinator Number of NJCL conventions attended: 2 1. “Coco Pebbles” 2. Strawberry Starfruit because it’s pink! 3. Gossip Girl xoxo Name: Elana Sanders-Braxton State delegation: Missouri Office sought: Communications Coordinator Number of NJCL conventions attended: 2 1. “Road Work Ahead.” For one, it’s my favorite Vine, and it’s a good way to say that the contents of the album probably need some work. 2. Orange! It’s bright, citrusy, and doesn’t taste like soap. 3. Queer Eye. 4 Meet the Candidates 1: What would the name of your debut album be? 2: Which Skittle flavor is the best? 3: What is your favorite show to binge watch? Name: Sam Acosta State delegation: Indiana Office sought: Parliamentarian Number of NJCL conventions attended: 3 1. “Dropped Twelve” - If you want to know the story behind this, come talk to me in person. 2. Green, because it fuels my power. 3. It’s a hard tie between The Walking Dead and Peppa Pig.