The Wooster Vice A student-run trainwreck since 1883 Vol. CXXXVI, Issue XVIII Friday, March 31, 2017 “Burger? I hardly know her.” W¯\_(“/)_/¯, Ohio V thewoostervoice.spaces.wooster.edu - Daniel Sweat Inside Propaganda of the Week Initiative Spew-points | 3 Wooster admits record num- Student announces their com- for more pletely original, totally unique, brand new opinion that no one bers following I.S. Monday diversity has ever heard before at Covers perfor- mances CC responds to Goof Central| 4 & 5 demand for less Wooster students celebrate drinking on the only day it is marketable for a school that typically Fluff about whatever is has a Puritanical approach to alcohol (Photo courtesy YOUR MOM and wooster.edu) sad-boy music going on at this school, brought to you 2-3 Michael Hatchett enroll too!” said John Wemmick, an the College. Mom weeks after it happened incoming freshman from Yazoo City, “We were actually on our @AmHatchett Mississippi. “Someone gave me an en- way to Denison and got lost in World’s Angriest Woman tire bottle of champagne and called Wooster when the GPS broke! On March 16, Campus Council (CC) An overwhelming amount of me their best friend,” said Louisa We pulled over to ask to direc- students have committed to at- Bounderby, another incoming fresh- tions and somehow ended up at passed a joint resolution to form the Com- tending the College of Wooster man. “I’ve never had a best friend be- a dance party inside something after visiting the school during fore,” she added. called Yost House. Now all four of mittee for the Promotion of Increased Diver- I.S. Monday. The incoming class While many of the visiting stu- my terrible sons want to go here,” of 2021 has now grown to around dents attended tours officially sanc- said Bradley Headstone, father of sity in Musical Performances and Auditory 3,200 students according to the tioned by the Admissions Office, the first quadruplets set to attend Admissions Office, with most of many more were given tours by to Wooster. Entertainment, Particularly with Respect to them committing during or after inebriated seniors who were feeling “I was accepted to Harvard, the events of the past Monday. overly sentimental about the school. Yale and Princeton. I was de- Musical Performances Hosted by Extracur- Tittytainment |6 “We had sort of a scheduling “One student just showed us every ciding between the three and snafu,” claims Bill Sikes, who is the place on campus that she boned in. we were really just here for my ricular Clubs, Groups, or Organizations at Plaid-shirted white male Campus Visit Coordinator for the My dad wanted to leave once we got younger brother, who is still scoffs at everyone’s mu- College. “For some reason, all of to the President’s House. This place a junior in high school. But I On-Campus Venues (CPIDMOAEPAEPRM- sic taste, claims no one our invitations to visit the College is magical,” stated Nell Trent, a par- think I will join the ranks of understands real art, “No, in 2017 were somehow scheduled ticipant on one of the unofficial tours. this esteemed college. I like the PHECGOOCV). you HAVE to listen to it for March 27th. I think the Rus- Many other students echoed similar cut of its jib,” said Sarah Gamp, on vinyl.” sians might’ve hacked us. I’ve nev- sentiments. another one of Wooster’s new- According to CC Chair Jake Jonesing ‘17, er seen anything like it, Monday “Kenyon’s dining hall may look est students and Nobel Prize was the most stressful day of my like Hogwarts but nobody there ac- recipient. CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHECGOOCV’s stated life,” he added, sipping on a Jack cidentally gave my grandparents When asked how ResLife and Coke. weed brownies. I can’t wait to be a would accommodate housing goal is to increase the diversity of both artists The College hosted over 600 Fighting Scot!” said Amy Dorrit, a for all the new students, Neville students and families on Monday, new Wooster student whose entire Landless, Director of Residence and performers at events hosted by campus many of them accidentally get- family has attended Kenyon since it Life, simply threw back his head ting swept up into the festivities. was founded by her great-great-great and laughed. “Housing is fucked groups, such as Wooster Activities Crew’s Bon- Student Athletes | 7 “Hell yeah I’m goin’ here! That’s grandfather. Amy is one of many already, so who gives a shit?” he the best visit I’ve ever had! I called previously uninterested accepted stu- added, jumping out of a third nawoo and the Goliard’s monthly Covers events. The Grind Never Stops up all my friends and told them to dents who now can’t wait to attend story window. “I feel confident that I speak for everyone in Take No Days Off Student notified by Lowry egg station attendant that time is running out Work Hard Play Harder CC when I say that we would love to see a myriad Bolton 4:20 Dad Mar-a-Lago Shrimp said, “Giv- make the reproductive health en the focus of this station, of their students a priority. Fucking LOVES Chopped it only made sense to start Ohio Governor John Kasich, of performers at these events, and we strongly “Last call on eggs!” is a com- serving other types of eggs as who in 2016 said that food feel that CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHECGOOCV Event of the Week mon refrain heard in Lowry, well.” banks can provide health care as students are quick to uti- Students can drop by the egg to women more efficiently than An expensive lize the eggs station to get station to donate their eggs for Planned Parenthood, is plan- can help us achieve that goal,” said Jonesing. guest speaker cooked-to-order eggs all day flex, in addition to other medi- ning to visit the College in the whose lecture long. Recently, the station has cal attention. coming months in order to see “Put more plainly, we’re sick of all these sad will be wildly taken on another function, as Given the impending federal the program for himself. Ac- the station is now operating budget cuts for women’s health cording to his spokesperson, white boys playing covers of Fleet Foxes or under-attended as a reproductive health pro- providers, some students will be Kasich is looking to implement vider and egg bank. relieved to see that the College similar programs at cafeterias some shit,” continued Jonesing. “I mean, Je- Director of Campus Dining has taken it upon themselves to statewide. sus, the next time I hear some sad-eyed, pasty This is an attempt to find more SPS DECLARES MARTIAL LAW, BOLTON IMPRISONED dude who hasn’t had a haircut in the past five information and understand the up to be a D.I.Y. armored vehi- taining Glick’s proclamation. proclamation, as well as a series The artist formerly known as Triscuit years announce that he’s about to play Help- organization, where they are now cle, Bolton was dignified — as- Suspicious of the all-too- of pre-written articles, which Future Editor in Chief suring panicked students that familiar scooters, some have they called “thinly veiled propa- lessness Blues, I will absolutely lose my shit.” relative to where they were previ- she would return to power speculated that the SPS coup ganda” meant to degrade stu- LOWRY, C.O.W. — The College — and Strock looked almost may be receiving secret funding dent trust in the administration. After six months of meetings, 13 drafts of ously, making information clear to of Wooster’s Security and Protec- embarrassed; several times, from former College President Some of the headlines included the public.” tive Services (SPS) force, in a proc- “The dangers of open forums a new musical performance policy, and three lamation issued by Chief Steve and panel discussions,” “Afraid -Jack Johanning ’17 Glick, declared martial law on the of Russians reading your emails? open forums attended only by a prospie and two campus early this morning, sig- You should see what I.T. is do- naling a coup d’état to overthrow ing with them” and “Squirr-veil- freshmen who were under the impression that the College’s administration. lance? The real reason there are “We have lots of problems so many squirrels on campus.” all open forums are mandatory, CPIDMOAE- on this campus,” Glick’s edict Many students expressed read, “And we’re confident that grave concern with the SPS PAEPRMPHECGOOCV has decided to ban martial law will be the panacea commandeering of the Voice, we’ve been looking for.” as the only remaining campus covers from any band whose name consists of The proclamation states that, news source is The Wooster until further notice, SPS will Vice, which some have accused an adverb or adjective and a noun. Among the be the sole governing body on of trafficking in falsehoods campus and that all campus and fake news. [Editors note: banned artists are The Black Keys, Arctic Mon- policies shall in the meantime ALL such accusations are FAKE be suspended. Above, check out Security’s fucking sick new whips!!! NEWS and should be ignored.] keys, Fleet Foxes and The Talking Heads. Immediately after issuing the Meanwhile, in the makeshift proclamation, Glick dispatched he sheepishly muttered to his Grant Cornwell. SPS jail, sources report observ- Students who served as members on SPS officer Trevor Strock to -ar captive, “I’m real sorry about According to Editors in Chief ing markedly cordial interactions rest President Sarah Bolton from this, Madame President.” of The Wooster Voice Mariah between Bolton and Strock.