The Wooster Vice a Student-Run Trainwreck Since 1883

The Wooster Vice A student-run trainwreck since 1883

Vol. CXXXVI, Issue XVIII Friday, March 31, 2017

“Burger? I hardly know her.” W¯\_(“/)_/¯, Ohio V thewoostervoice.spaces.wooster.edu - Daniel Sweat

Inside Propaganda of the Week Initiative Spew-points | 3 Wooster admits record num- Student announces their com- for more pletely original, totally unique, brand new opinion that no one bers following I.S. Monday diversity has ever heard before at Covers performances CC responds to Goof Central| 4 & 5 demand for less Wooster students celebrate drinking on the only day it is marketable for a school that typically Fluff about whatever is has a Puritanical approach to alcohol (Photo courtesy YOUR MOM and wooster.edu) sad-boy music going on at this school, brought to you 2-3 Michael Hatchett enroll too!” said John Wemmick, an the College. Mom weeks after it happened incoming freshman from Yazoo City, “We were actually on our @AmHatchett Mississippi. “Someone gave me an en- way to Denison and got lost in World’s Angriest Woman tire bottle of champagne and called Wooster when the GPS broke! On March 16, Campus Council (CC) An overwhelming amount of me their best friend,” said Louisa We pulled over to ask to direc- students have committed to at- Bounderby, another incoming fresh- tions and somehow ended up at passed a joint resolution to form the Com- tending the College of Wooster man. “I’ve never had a best friend be- a dance party inside something after visiting the school during fore,” she added. called Yost House. Now all four of mittee for the Promotion of Increased Diver- I.S. Monday. The incoming class While many of the visiting stu- my terrible sons want to go here,” of 2021 has now grown to around dents attended tours officially sanc- said Bradley Headstone, father of sity in Musical Performances and Auditory 3,200 students according to the tioned by the Admissions Office, the first quadruplets set to attend Admissions Office, with most of many more were given tours by to Wooster. Entertainment, Particularly with Respect to them committing during or after inebriated seniors who were feeling “I was accepted to Harvard, the events of the past Monday. overly sentimental about the school. Yale and Princeton. I was de- Musical Performances Hosted by Extracur- Tittytainment |6 “We had sort of a scheduling “One student just showed us every ciding between the three and snafu,” claims Bill Sikes, who is the place on campus that she boned in. we were really just here for my ricular Clubs, Groups, or Organizations at Plaid-shirted white male Campus Visit Coordinator for the My dad wanted to leave once we got younger brother, who is still scoffs at everyone’s mu- College. “For some reason, all of to the President’s House. This place a junior in high school. But I On-Campus Venues (CPIDMOAEPAEPRM- sic taste, claims no one our invitations to visit the College is magical,” stated Nell Trent, a par- think I will join the ranks of understands real art, “No, in 2017 were somehow scheduled ticipant on one of the unofficial tours. this esteemed college. I like the PHECGOOCV). you HAVE to listen to it for March 27th. I think the Rus- Many other students echoed similar cut of its jib,” said Sarah Gamp, on vinyl.” sians might’ve hacked us. I’ve nev- sentiments. another one of Wooster’s new- According to CC Chair Jake Jonesing ‘17, er seen anything like it, Monday “Kenyon’s dining hall may look est students and Nobel Prize was the most stressful day of my like Hogwarts but nobody there ac- recipient. CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHECGOOCV’s stated life,” he added, sipping on a Jack cidentally gave my grandparents When asked how ResLife and Coke. weed brownies. I can’t wait to be a would accommodate housing goal is to increase the diversity of both artists The College hosted over 600 Fighting Scot!” said Amy Dorrit, a for all the new students, Neville students and families on Monday, new Wooster student whose entire Landless, Director of Residence and performers at events hosted by campus many of them accidentally get- family has attended Kenyon since it Life, simply threw back his head ting swept up into the festivities. was founded by her great-great-great and laughed. “Housing is fucked groups, such as Wooster Activities Crew’s Bon- Student Athletes | 7 “Hell yeah I’m goin’ here! That’s grandfather. Amy is one of many already, so who gives a shit?” he the best visit I’ve ever had! I called previously uninterested accepted stu- added, jumping out of a third nawoo and the Goliard’s monthly Covers events. The Grind Never Stops up all my friends and told them to dents who now can’t wait to attend story window. “I feel confident that I speak for everyone in Take No Days Off Student notified by Lowry egg station attendant that time is running out Work Hard Play Harder CC when I say that we would love to see a myriad Bolton 4:20 Dad Mar-a-Lago Shrimp said, “Giv- make the reproductive health en the focus of this station, of their students a priority. Fucking LOVES Chopped it only made sense to start Ohio Governor John Kasich, of performers at these events, and we strongly “Last call on eggs!” is a com- serving other types of eggs as who in 2016 said that food feel that CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHECGOOCV Event of the Week mon refrain heard in Lowry, well.” banks can provide health care as students are quick to uti- Students can drop by the egg to women more efficiently than An expensive lize the eggs station to get station to donate their eggs for Planned Parenthood, is plan- can help us achieve that goal,” said Jonesing. guest speaker cooked-to-order eggs all day flex, in addition to other medi- ning to visit the College in the whose lecture long. Recently, the station has cal attention. coming months in order to see “Put more plainly, we’re sick of all these sad will be wildly taken on another function, as Given the impending federal the program for himself. Ac- the station is now operating budget cuts for women’s health cording to his spokesperson, white boys playing covers of Fleet Foxes or under-attended as a reproductive health pro- providers, some students will be Kasich is looking to implement vider and egg bank. relieved to see that the College similar programs at cafeterias some shit,” continued Jonesing. “I mean, Je- Director of Campus Dining has taken it upon themselves to statewide. sus, the next time I hear some sad-eyed, pasty

This is an attempt to find more SPS DECLARES MARTIAL LAW, BOLTON IMPRISONED dude who hasn’t had a haircut in the past five information and understand the up to be a D.I.Y. armored vehi- taining Glick’s proclamation. proclamation, as well as a series The artist formerly known as Triscuit years announce that he’s about to play Help- organization, where they are now cle, Bolton was dignified — as- Suspicious of the all-too- of pre-written articles, which Future Editor in Chief suring panicked students that familiar scooters, some have they called “thinly veiled propa- lessness Blues, I will absolutely lose my shit.” relative to where they were previ- she would return to power speculated that the SPS coup ganda” meant to degrade stu- LOWRY, C.O.W. — The College — and Strock looked almost may be receiving secret funding dent trust in the administration. After six months of meetings, 13 drafts of ously, making information clear to of Wooster’s Security and Protec- embarrassed; several times, from former College President Some of the headlines included the public.” tive Services (SPS) force, in a proc- “The dangers of open forums a new musical performance policy, and three lamation issued by Chief Steve and panel discussions,” “Afraid -Jack Johanning ’17 Glick, declared martial law on the of Russians reading your emails? open forums attended only by a prospie and two campus early this morning, sig- You should see what I.T. is do- naling a coup d’état to overthrow ing with them” and “Squirr-veil- freshmen who were under the impression that the College’s administration. lance? The real reason there are “We have lots of problems so many squirrels on campus.” all open forums are mandatory, CPIDMOAE- on this campus,” Glick’s edict Many students expressed read, “And we’re confident that grave concern with the SPS PAEPRMPHECGOOCV has decided to ban martial law will be the panacea commandeering of the Voice, we’ve been looking for.” as the only remaining campus covers from any band whose name consists of The proclamation states that, news source is The Wooster until further notice, SPS will Vice, which some have accused an adverb or adjective and a noun. Among the be the sole governing body on of trafficking in falsehoods campus and that all campus and fake news. [Editors note: banned artists are The Black Keys, Arctic Mon- policies shall in the meantime ALL such accusations are FAKE be suspended. Above, check out Security’s fucking sick new whips!!! NEWS and should be ignored.] keys, Fleet Foxes and The Talking Heads. Immediately after issuing the Meanwhile, in the makeshift proclamation, Glick dispatched he sheepishly muttered to his Grant Cornwell. SPS jail, sources report observ- Students who served as members on SPS officer Trevor Strock to- ar captive, “I’m real sorry about According to Editors in Chief ing markedly cordial interactions rest President Sarah Bolton from this, Madame President.” of The Wooster Voice Mariah between Bolton and Strock. CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHECGOOCV said her home on East University. Minutes later, SPS officers Joyce ’17 and Jared Berg ’17, “Back at Williams, I worked According to eyewitnesses, as rode through the campus on SPS ordered the Voice to stop with lasers powerful enough to they were pleasantly surprised at how well the she was escorted in handcuffs small, motorized scooters, the presses on this week’s is- to a security vehicle, all souped distributing slips of paper con- sue and instead print Glick’s Continued on page 2 Continued on page 2 Friday, Section Editors: March 31 Vice Nick wilde 2 Alternative Facts Judy Hopps SECURITY BRIEFS Martial Law cont. CPIDMOAEPAEPRMPHEC- GOOCV cont. 3/27 – 11:30 p.m. cut through these metal bars,” Compton Hall Bolton reminisced. process went. “I was particularly blown away by Suspect, 20, caught drinking “That’s pretty badass, Ma- while eating fruit. dame President,” replied Strock. the level of student engagement,” said commit- Other sources reported seeing 3/27 – 11:32 p.m. Joe Kirk curled up on the ground tee member Sally Stricker ’18. “We had like three Compton Hall behind Culbertson Slater in the Suspect, 20, resisted throes of a nervous breakdown students attend our open forums during the security, attempted to run caused by the internal agony away. of his conflicting allegiances to process, and I think at least one of them actu- SPS, as its associate director, 3/27 – 11:33 p.m. and to the students, as director ally meant to be there! That level of interest is Compton Hall of Greek Life. Suspect, 20, assault security By 9:30 a.m., a student resis- just really atypical at Wooster, so I feel lucky to with banana, flees from tance militia was beginning to security. form, spearheaded by Dean of be a part of it.” Students, Scott Brown, and stu- #standwithbolton 3/27 – 11:40 p.m. dent activist and possible saint SCAMS” turned their powers to However, Anne-Marie Brown, The Goliard’s next Covers will take place this MOM’s Chadwick Smith ’17. Recruits good as commander of the cyber- wife of Scott Brown, confirmed Suspect, still 20, seen were told to muster at Bell- warfare division. for The Vice that the hats were Saturday, and so far moody male philosophy entering mom’s, mom’s Stores, just meters outside of Upon enlisting, each recruit re- in fact borrowed from the per- workers report positive SPS’s jurisdiction. ceived a black College of Wooster sonal stockpile in Brown’s closet. majors with distressed jean jackets have signed interaction with suspect. Students, staff and faculty from baseball cap. The impressive sup- At 11:35 a.m., the campus re- all walks of college life came to ply of baseball caps led many to ceived an email from President up to play songs from sad hipster bands Iron 3/27 – 11:55 p.m. enlist in the Resistance. Mem- speculate that the resistance also Bolton with the subject “Letter MOM’s bers of the equestrian team vol- had a secret benefactor. Some from Culbertson Jail.” & Wine, The Lumineers and The Head and the Suspect, 20, vomits. unteered to serve as the cavalry, even suggested that Cornwell’s At press time, the resistance LARP Club became the special fellow ultra-rich former presi- army was preparing to launch Heart. 3/27 – 11:55 p.m. ops division, the 4 Paws for Abil- dent, Slytherin Georgia Nugent, its first insurgence. This is a de- MOM’s ity puppies and student handlers was funding the resistance in veloping story, so be sure to stay “Fuck, man, we tried,” said Jonesing when Mom’s workers retract formed a K9 reconnaissance team the hopes of proving that One- tuned to the Vice and check next previous statement. and whatever jackass perpetrates Wooster, her signature achieve- year’s issue for the latest break- informed of the lineup. the constant “ACTIVE PHISHING ment as president, was effective. ing news. 3/27 – 11:57 p.m. MOM’s Suspect, 20, assaults security Psych majors with chicken and cheese BREAKINGare cool... quesadillas. Scott Brown’s Hat is a Horcrux SIKE!!!! 3/27 – 11:57 a.m. According to an inter- MOM’s After an exhaustive five-month-long investigative effort, The Wooster Vice has confirmed the nal department survey, Suspect, 20, flees—security student body’s suspicion that Dean of Students Scott Brown’s hat is in fact a horcrux. busy eating chicken and The College of Wooster The first indication that Brown had housed part of his soul in his baseball cap came early cheese quesadillas. Department of Psychol- on in his tenure at Wooster, when senior Grace Gamble noticed that not only did Brown never ogy now has one student 3/28 – 12:01 a.m. remove his hat, but a strange smell seemed to be emanating from it. who isn’t majoring in Kauke “It smells like gym socks and garlic,” said Gamble. “I’ve read Harry Potter, I know that’s a psychology just for the Suspect, 20, reported bad sign. Also, I swear to God I thought I heard it hiss at me once. That’s pretty fucking weird. urinating on Kauke arch, purposes of diagnosing heard shouting “FILL THE Spencer Gilbert ’17, who works in the office of the president and often interacts with Brown, themselves or others. ARCH” and motioning for added that Brown’s refusal to remove the hat in the office is the primary source of tension This shocking turn of others to join. Others report between Brown and President Sarah Bolton. events has thrown into being disgusted. “All the time Sarah will be like, ‘Scott, take off the damn hat, we’re meeting with the trust- question the future of a department that has 3/28 – 12:10 a.m. ees in three minutes,’” said Gilbert. “And every time Dean Brown just gets shifty eyed and provided the college Kenarden Lounge says something about feeling ‘self-conscious about his bald spot.’ First of all, what does he community with unparal- Suspect, 20, flees into the mean, bald spot? Do I have to be the one to tell him he’s entirely bald?” Kenarden. Presumed lost. leled psychiatric advice Gilbert says that though he wasn’t certain the hat was a container for a fragment of Brown’s over the years. 3/28 – 12:30 a.m. soul, he “knew there was some shady shit going on.” Department Chair President’s House “I mean, for god’s sake, he’s a middle-aged man who won’t take off his fucking baseball cap,” Angus Garbanzo re- Suspect, 20, flees into the said Gilbert. “Nobody thinks that’s normal.” president’s house to avoid sponded to the Vice’s When confronted about his suspicious headwear, Brown admitted that the hat was a horcrux security. request for comment by he created as insurance in case he was killed in his attempt to overthrow President Bolton and saying “This is a sad day 3/28 – 12:39 a.m. crown himself the grand poobah of The College of Wooster. for our department. We President’s House When asked why he would possibly want ultimate control of a small liberal arts college in the pride ourselves on pro- Unexplained screams heard middle of Ohio, a state which has produced 24 astronauts and is arguably so boring that those ducing undergraduates from inside house. born here feel the need to leave planet earth, Brown said he hadn’t thought that far ahead. who think their advice 3/28 – 12:45 a.m. “I guess I was just kind of hoping that no one would miss it that much,” said Brown. is worth more than that President’s House When informed of Dean Brown’s plans, student response was mixed. of a clinical psycholo- Suspect, 20, leaves house a gist, and the fact that “Are you kidding me? I’d love it if he staged a coup — at least something would finally fuck- changed man. there is a student here ing be happening here,” said Elena Soyer ’17. “My friends’ idea of a fun Saturday night activity who does not want to 3/28 – 12:50 a.m. is watching the corn grow and I’m not kidding, I can’t take it anymore.” do what we do is deeply Security office “Who’s Dean Brown?” said Eli Millette ’17. “We have a Dean of Students?” Suspect, 20, turns himself in troubling.” at security — reported stating “I’ve learned the error of my Campus Council Passes Unanimous Reso- ways”. Unexplained scar on lower abdomen. lution to MAKE HAZING GREAT AGAIN On April 1, 2017, Cam- passed was the result 3/28 – 12:51 p.m. pus Council passed a of “months” of hard Kauke Tower unanimous motion to work, and will be put President Bolton, 20, smiles, require hazing by all into place for the 17- watching over the campus chartered organiza- 18 school year. she has sworn to protect. tions. To receive a charter, Hey y’all. Council Chair [REDACT- groups must now in- ED] said in a statement corporate hazing rit- Most weeks we that “it just makes uals into their ori- sense. I mean if you entation process, and have to grovel for can’t beat them, join any organizations relevant content them. I look forward that refuse or fail to to paddling all of the do so will face review to fill this section. new Councilors.” and potential revoca- The decision was born tion of their charter. Do us a favor and of a debate regarding When asked to com- do some fucking the role selective or- ment, Gender and ganizations play on Sexual Diversity Rep- news-worthy shit Campus overall. resentative [REDACTED] During floor debate, explained that “look, this weekend. at-large Representa- it’s what the constit- Thanks for con- tive [REDACTED] articu- uents want. A Behind the Scenes lated that “I firmly Throughout this tributing to the believe that the key process, the number to organizational one complaint has Picture of REAL only section of the success is acceler- been that Council paper that means ated group bonding doesn’t do enough to investigative done via binge drink- encourage students anything!! ing and ritualistic to have a good time. journalism chanting.” If this new policy The motion that was doesn’t, what will?” Section Editors: Friday, Madge Frito Vice March 32 Careless Cupcake Spew-points 3 The Wooster Vice The College of Wooster’s Student Newspaper Since 1883 B.C.E. “Let’s hear from the POT,” says no one Of course this isn’t real, dipshit Hey you dweebs. It’s me. The POT. Just because I produce the KIDZ amount of attention! Don’t waste Mom & Dad: You know, that weird pamphlet you BOP version of BuzzFeed doesn’t your time with that toilet rag. I’ve Marian Jonesy Jar-Jar Bird just look at for a couple seconds and mean I don’t deserve your respect. read nutrition labels that have more throw away? You scoff, but riddle me this, dweebs relevant information. They don’t even Children: Yeah. I’m — if someone put the Bible on your have memes. Macfrenzie Shark: Golden Child Danny Perspiration: Punniest Child here. And I’m table every week, would you spill But look. I get it. It’s not that you Janet Germany: Whiniest Child Silly Crashtest: Mom Child getting real your food on it? don’t WANT to read the POT — it’s Careless Cupcake: Coolest Child Alexander Polkanuts: Smartest Child tired of your Then why are you comfortable do- just that it’s not accessible enough. Madge Frito: Probably Adopted Mary Zegan: Sweetest Child shit, Wooster. ing that to the POT? Not that the POT You dweebs can’t get access to the REAL tired. is the same level of quality as the Bi- POT when you want it. That’s why Roger Danger III: Also Adopted Susanna Grains: Kindest Child Literal Trash Kandy Terragon: Craziest Child Every week, I ble. But if someone was to make that I’ve hired a series of people to wander spend an HOUR — sometimes, even comparison, I wouldn’t go out of my around campus and give the POT out Pilly Icicleson: Can Edit P3’s hours and some minutes — slaving way to deny it. — POT dealers, if you will — so you Topanga Sodunne: Can Also Edit P3’s over WAC ads and school appropriate And the worst of it is — after the can get all the POT you need. Jorby Griffins: Can Edit P3’s After 7 p.m. memes to produce something every- MINUTES upon MINUTES I spend Just be careful — I’ve definitely run Desmond El Pool: Reads Some Stuff one can softly chuckle at. And believe on the POT — asking for nothing in into the situation where I’m looking Olivia Hallucination Station: Reads the Good Stuff me, there are a LOT of WAC ads. return except a small stipend derived for school appropriate memes and What do I get in response? Ketch- from your tuition money — all you end up with marijuana instead. Freeman Funday: Reads the Bad Stuff up stains and ignorance. KETCHUP dweebs yap about is that damn Voice. Kroger Pan: Reads the Mediocre Stuff STAINS on the closest thing this “Oh, did you read the Voice?” “Yeah, The POT, the Vice’s literary ri- Petra OldBaloney: Reads Other Stuff school has to perfection since Lowry’s I read the Security Briefs.” What the val and garbage publication, can be Kathy Badshawl: Reads the Rest of the Stuff corn nuggets. hell, Wooster? I deserve that minimal reached at [email protected] Warren Peace: Deals with Money Probably Discuss more struggles of rich white people All materials published heroin are “property” of The Wooster Vice and cannot be reproduced without written consent of the edi- Let me illuminate my perspec- would discuss how would white tration’s po-faced zealotry. tors. The Vice can be contacted by mail at 100 Main St, Nowhere, tive for all you fuckers. men have managed to contribute I hope that the College will FU, 66666, or by phone at 1-800-PLSDONTCALL. Emails can I recently dropped the course so much to society despite their seek to immediately replace this be sent to the editor at [email protected] A History detractors, or as our great leader professor with someone far bet- of Oppressed would say, their “haters.” ter suited for a position at this Disclaimer: The aim of the Viewpoints section is to Peoples and An entire unit of this class was school. I wish to minimize the provide our “readers” with a view of the homogenous let me tell you focused on slavery. While I was qualifications of the professor beall about the not immediately stricken by this, cause she says things that I don’t and varying opinions that make up the campus com- bullshit that not one segment of this class dis- agree with. munity. The views and opinions expressed here are was being cussed the slaveholders and own- Sure, the facts are on her side, Pasty Jones those of the individual authors and always of The rammed but I will argue for a post- down my throat by my ‘pro- A true history modernist understanding Wooster Vice. We absolutely censor viewpoints on the fessor,’ who I’m not sure isn’t of moral subjectivity even of the oppressed basis of the opinions they express; this means that we a registered Maoist herself. “ though I have no idea what I signed up for this course would discuss how postmodernism or subjectiv- will never print viewpoints that any reader finds of- based on the title alone. I ism are. fensive. We welcome (some) responses to viewpoints was excited to take a course white men have man- In conclusion, the College at this God-forsaken piece cannot purport to be a lib- and ask readers to recognize that these views are our of shit ‘college’ that illus- aged to contribute eral arts institution until it own and if they don’t like it they can kindly fuck off. . trated the experiences of so much to society stamps out such bald-faced people like me. liberal propaganda. As other people in my po- despite their detrac- This College must respect sition would be quick to tell tors, or as our great conservative viewpoints like TAKE ME BACK PLEASE you, going to this institution mine, even if I represent the Hey Wooster, you up? It’s me, But I’ve changed. I grew a full is an incredibly perilous task leader would say, worst of what people have former College of Wooster Presi- beard. I got my septum pierced. I’m when you share the view- come to expect from my po- dent Grant Cornwell. in a band now. You should check us points that I share. their ‘haters.’” litical allies. I know we out — I’ll Facebook message you Nevertheless, to my dis- - Pasty Jones While I could support haven’t talk- our Soundcloud. We just put out an may, this class, which pur- small-government, laissez- ed in a while. I album and I think it’s pretty good. ported to focus on the history faire economic policy with- heard you got “Fill My Arch” is about you, actually of the oppressed, merely focused on ers themselves. It’s disappointing out the racism, I prefer brashly a new Presi- ... let me know if you like it. the history of people who are priv- to be erased from a curriculum. broadcasting hateful views and dent and she I need you, Wooster. I can’t live ileged in today’s society through We learned a lot about being then claiming that I’m being op- seems nice. without you. I’m sorry. affirmative action-sourced eco- Jewish in 1930s Germany but pressed on political grounds. Grant Cornhole You guys look Usually on nights like these, I nomic advantages and PC police- nothing about being conserva- Here’s to a true “History of good together. And I’m happy for just get drunk, put on some Drake sourced social advantages. tive in today’s Hollywood. The Oppressed Peoples.” you. Genuinely. But to be honest ... and scroll through your Instagram. Notably absent from this courses at this institution need to I miss you. I know this sounds bad, but you’re course was any mention of white pay equal attention to people who Pasty Jones, who is discriminated against Sorry, I know it’s late, I hope this just as beautiful as ever. people, rich people or male people. are oppressed. This is yet another for his political beliefs, can be reached for doesn’t wake you up. But I was just Sometimes I fantasize about driv- A true history of the oppressed example of this college’s adminis- comment at [email protected] reminiscing on our good times to- ing my motor scooter up to Wayne gether. County, pulling up on Beall, taking Remember when I used to ride a out a boombox and blasting “Scot- Less objectification and more pooping compliments motor scooter all around campus? land the Brave” but I know it’s just a Hi, everyone. It’s me, Earl the You’re wrong. It’s actually me, In the words of Tolstoy, “It is I even used to fantasy. service dog. Earl. amazing how complete is the de- ride it from my I’m sorry, And before you think to your- I’ve learned to type very slowly lusion that beauty is goodness.” house to Tim- Sure, I was the I know I’m self, “Aw hell over the course of a few months Furthermore, in Aristotle’s Eth- ken, which is “ acting like yeah, Earl is after my handlers go to sleep. I ics, he argues that the good of a like, idk, 40 feet third-highest paid a real fuck the best,” I am currently typing this in a Word human being must have something at the most. man. Sorry, want you to document using my loveable lil to do with being human. That was fun, college president in I meant take a mo- paws. Does that mean the good of right? fuck boy. ment a dog must have some- And look, I Is that how and thing to do with being a all of Ohio in 2011 Earl know it was me you say it? think While I appreciate dog? Am I good because who left you, while advocating the See, I’m lost about my feelings. the“ compliments, I can’t I enjoy interacting with not the other without you, Because, frankly, I’m humans and making them way around. I outsourcing of on- Wooster. tired of being objectified. help but feel strange. I don’t feel better? Or am I told you I “just I’m sorry. Don’t get me wrong, I know how many people re- good because I’m quite wasn’t feeling it campus jobs! I wasn’t I just don’t love getting pet (as long good at wagging my tail anymore” and feel like as you ask my handler, of alize that I am more than and I’m competent at that I “needed perfect. ” myself un- course) and I love being just my looks. I have a soul. pooping? space.” So I - Grant Cornman less I’m with around humans. But every Actually, I take that went to Florida you. I need time someone is petting I have a brain. I have a but- back, I am very, very and yes, I did you back. me, they only seem to talk good at pooping. leave you for another college. When I was with you, Wooster, about my appearance. thole.” In conclusion, if you Rollins was just so different than I felt like I was someone. I played While I appreciate - Earl (excellent pooper) do choose to compliment you. I thought I wanted to be with basketball with philosophy profes- the compliments, I can’t me, compliment me on Rollins. Rollins lived in Florida. I sors. I cut turkey at Thanksgiving help but feel strange. I my actions, not my looks. thought it would be fun. It’s sunny, dinners. I was endlessly made fun don’t know how many people real- See? I bet you thought a dog Maybe the next time you it’s warm and we’re near the water. of by students who called me silly ize that I am more than just my could never learn to type. I’m not see me, don’t say, “Aww you’re But you know the really fun thing names like “cornhole,” “cornman,” looks. I have a soul. I have a brain. bad with Excel either. so adorable!” and maybe say, about Florida? Everyone who lives or “that out-of-touch fuckwit.” I have a butthole. I’m actually very smart. I know “Earl, I appreciate your un- here is fucking insane. I used to But I was your out-of-touch fuck- I am more than just an adorable it looks like I’m sleeping in class, flinching honesty concerning think students at Wooster were wit. I’m nothing without you. With doggo who loves to run and play in but I’m actually just shutting your opinions about cats.” pretty wild. I remember someone Rollins, I’m just a rich, old white sand. I am more than just a de- down every part of my body ex- Maybe don’t say, “What getting in trouble for stealing a man who lives in Florida, the state lightful ball of fluff whose smile cept for my ears. So I can listen a cute dog!” and maybe say, golf cart. Last April, someone here that manufactures rich, old white could warm the coldest of hearts. and learn. “Earl, your bark nicely rides tossed an entire alligator into a men. I am more than a creature creat- Contrary to what appearances that line between D flat and drive-through window. Wooster, please take me back. ed out of pure love and joy. I am may lead you to believe, the most C sharp.” I can’t take this anymore. Please I miss your buildings. I miss your large. I contain multitudes. active part of my body is not my Maybe don’t say, “You are take me back. trees. I miss your weather that For example, the fact that you itty-bitty tongue or my big, furry literally the most beautiful dog Look, I know things weren’t al- makes absolutely no sense what- don’t even believe I wrote this ar- tail. It’s my brain. in the universe” and maybe say, ways great between us. soever. Text me back when you get ticle is a little insulting. You prob- Sometimes people like to tell “Wow, Earl, you really are good at Sure, I was the third-highest this? I hope we can catch up soon. ably think the real author of this me that I am a good boy, but am pooping.” paid college president in all of is some smarmy English major who I? Am I really? Ohio in 2011 while advocating the Grant Cornwell, an out-of-touch fuckwit, really just wants to own a dog but You don’t even know me. Just Earl, a cutie-patootie papillon, can outsourcing of on-campus jobs! I can be reached for comment at Wanna- can’t afford one right now so this because I’m cute doesn’t mean be reached for comment at UKnoW- wasn’t perfect. [email protected] is the closest they can get. I’m good. [email protected] Friday, Section Editors: What year is it? Vice Sally Crash Test 4 Goof Central Danny Boy Senior real estate tycoon breaks into carrel market

Sally Crash Test “The carrel biz is all about how close you are to windows and from Mrs Steal-yo-man people — sorry, away from people,” After publishing viral YouTube said Millette. “Good carrels tend to videos, writing witty captions for be in these gated community-esque Woo Street Style and disappoint- areas — like, a great location for ing his parents, Eli Millette ’17 carrels is the upper floor Gault side has broken out as The College of facing Lowry.” Wooster’s number one real estate Many have tried to break into the agent. Spending many long nights carrel business, but few have made in the libraries, walking up and it the way Eli has. The nuances of down the stairs in his combat boots, acquiring and auctioning off car- Millette created a new found ap- rels requires a delicate touch. preciation for the property value of The ability to work at a personal senior carrels. carrel in the library is as appealing “The biggest thrill of selling car- to underclassmen as chicken tender rel estate might be the surprise on day in Lowry. their faces when they realize that I “And now is the perfect time to wasn’t joking,” said Millette. This buy — the market is really satu- renaissance man has turned his rated. Lots of seniors are ditching niche affinity for cheap library fur- their carrels, so if you wanna buy, niture into a business. He’s a shark just shoot me an email,” said Mil- in a swimming pool. lette. Millette has garnered the knowl- He will not accept meal swipes edge of the property value of car- but flex dollars are up for the tak- rels, analyzing the worth of the ing. Additionally, email JEng- vulgar graffiti on the cheap wood to [email protected] for more info. the water danage level of the tear This is not his personal email, as and sweat stained chairs. Selling he prefers to conduct business this Eli Millette, self-proclaimed carrel tycoon, poses next to a prime bit of real estate in Andrews Libray. carrel estate is a complex science. way for privacy’s sake. This picture was taken moments before Millette was mobbed by a horde of dispossesed seniors. Seniors fallen from I.S. rest in Coroner House peacefully Georgey Marbles Contri-butt-ing Asshole Jared

Between the struggles with Inde- pendent Study, searching for work after Daniel graduation and the current political climate, The Class of 2017 has had quite a lot on their Sally plates. For some of our seniors, the workload can be too much. The Student Task Initiative For Fatal Seniors (STIFFS) provides a final resting place for those lost Mariah to the process of mentored undergraduate research in Coroner House. Established this fall, Coroner House serves as Wooster’s on campus funeral home for seniors who passed away due to the stress and exhaustion that comes with I.S. Program Coordinator Harold Williams ’18 shows me around Coroner, discussing some of the new residents of their house. “This guy was doing a dual degree in chemistry and music compo- Coral sition” referring to a pale, sunken-eyed corpse jammed in a closet. “Apparently he had been at his carrel for four or five days before someone found him, he had so much Monster and 5 Hour Energy in his system that he’s more or less mummified.” Katie When asked about what it was like to live in and operate a funeral home, the student volunteers at Coroner House say that it has its benefits. “I thought I was going to have to find a roommate for my double, but I put one of the bodies in the other bed, told Re- sLife he was my roommate and had a dingle ever since,” James Smith Lily ’19 recalls, “Once you get over the smell it isn’t that bad. And a dingle is definitely worth rooming with a dead body.” Susan Vaughn ’18 tells me, “I thought it would be weird for parties, but once you get enough people dancing in a dark basement, they don’t notice they’re surrounded by corpses.” One thing that struck me during my visit to Coroner House Robert was that the STIFFS members find their work rewards, that, and the overpowering stench of formaldehyde. According to Alan Jenkins ’18, “It means a lot that we are able to provide this last service to Janel them. Plus, if they have their COW Card on them we get their left- over flex.” Jenkins proceeded to root through the pockets of a former classmate, before tossing his body down the stairs. As for STIFFS’ plans for the future, they hope to expand the program by adding freezers, bodybags and Febreze to Coroner House. They will raise money for these items by charging admission Mackenzie to a series of puppet shows held at Coroner. When asked about cast- ing, Williams said, “We have more than enough characters here.”

Philosophy professor gives succinct answer

intrinsic value, soci- least for long enough phy major because I was answering was Angry Woman etal impact, ethical to put me to sleep. thought they looked “What time is it,” Mom in Chief implications and aes- Something about to- real cool smoking so by the time his thetic qualities. day was different, outside of Scovel,” record-setting reply March 7, 2017 will “I’ve never seen though — the dude said fellow student was over, his infor- go down in history anything like it be- was speeding.” Megan Jeffries ’18. mation was about 20 at The College of fore,” said philoso- Sweaty’s fellow “What Professor minutes out of date. Wooster as the day phy major Daniel students confirmed Berg did, though that a philosophy Sweaty ’19. “When that Professor Berg — that’s amazing. professor answered my buddy Robert had answered a ques- That really makes Interested in a question in fewer raised his hand, I tion in a mind blow- me happy to be a writing for than 20 minutes. thought I’d be gold- ing 18 minutes and part of the depart- Features? The monumental oc- en to check out for 32 seconds, besting ment. Well, that and casion took place in at least the next 45 by more than 10 min- how often dudes in Why? Professor Ebenezer minutes. Normally utes the long-stand- my philosophy class- Berg’s 1 p.m. class when you get Berg ing record set by es interrupt me to Have you seen on aesthetics, en- going on about some- Professor Zebedi- make the same point what we titled “Memes: High thing, he can drone ah Kristofferson in I was already making publish? Art or A Waste of on about the onto- 1899, who took only in a louder voice.” Our Fucking Time?,” logical implications 30 minutes to answer Unfortunately, in which students of our limited epis- a student’s question the historic signifi- Email Sally at SKersh- examine posts on temology and how we about directions to cance of the event [email protected] or the Facebook page should reevaluate the bathroom. is slightly lessened Daniel at DSweat19@ Wholesome Memes our ethical systems “Honestly, I just by the fact that wooster.edu. with an eye to their for, like, ever. Or at became a philoso- the question Berg WV Friday, Ma-help I’m trapped in the Voice office-rch 31, 2017 5 Laughingstock of English dept. gets down to buzzness

Danny Boy his desk and saying, “Scoreboard.” The rest of Dr. Azz’s office is deco- Features Hater rated with Albert Camus quotes superimposed over pictures of New Fresh off the high of attending York City, variations of Magritte’s an academic conference and pre- The Treachery of Images (one on a senting a paper that made liberal mug, the other in poster form) and a use of the terms “discourse” and life size cutout of George Costanza. “pedagogical salience,” Dr. Doyou- Azz claims the class will ex- like J. Azz, a Wooster English pro- plore Bee Movie from a variety fessor, submitted the syllabus for of angles. The first half of the ENGL-150: Bee Movie: Postmod- course examines the film as cin- ernism and Agency on Tuesday. ema; the second half considers The course should be available for how Bee Movie fits into Jerry Sein- viewing on ScotWeb within a week. feld’s oeuvre. We at The Wooster Vice recently “It’s interesting that Seinfeld sat down to interview Azz and to was able to so adeptly capture ask him the questions we’ve all been the nuances of the human condi- itching to have answered: How? tion in the 90’s vis-a-vis Kramer, And, more importantly, Why? Elaine, Jerry, etc. And yet at the “Well, you see, while on the same time capture what it means surface Hickner and Smith’s to be … a bee in the early 2000’s,” Bee Movie seems to bee merely said Azz during our interview. He a titillating tale — ” Here, Dr. then scrambled to a blackboard Doyoulike J. Azz paused, mak- in his office and begin nervously ing sure this reporter had no- drawing a picture of Barry the ticed his use of alliteration. “ Bee. The supposed meaning of — actually, I think we have a lot the drawing was never explained; to learn from Barry the bee in however, Azz asked that we both our modern age. In the current take a moment of silence to “pon- political climate, I think we all der its significance.” need to consider what it means Upon finishing the drawing, Dr. to be ‘thinking bee.’” Note that Azz attempted to play the Seinfeld Dr. Azz gave this quote un- theme on bass while a recording of During a recent visit to Wooster, Barry met with Dr. Azz to discuss ENGL-150’s reading list. Barry prompted. Barry the Bee saying, “Do you like approved, though he wished Azz would lay off the Foucault just a little bit. When asked how such a course jazz?” played repeatedly in the back- clearly satisfied with himself. back to back with their arms classes are non-sensical and ridicu- ever got approved, current depart- ground. To conclude the interview, Azz crossed. The words “Thinking lous, consider taking Doyoulike ment chair, Dr. Dan Bourne, ex- “Don’t expect to get an A if you showed this disturbed reporter Bee” were written in cursive J. Azz’s class this fall; it meets on plained that Dr. Azz responded to don’t like the Bee Movie.” Groans his recently acquired back tat- script below the two figures. Wednesday afternoons from 4:20 any attempt at reproach by pointing could be heard throughout Kauke too which features Barry the Bee So, if you want to further ful- to 6:90 in the Kauke Tower. Or, do to the MFA proudly displayed over as Azz leaned back in his chair, and George Costanza standing fill the stereotype that liberal arts us all a favor, and don’t. 4 Paws Dogs haze owners as rite of paw-ssage

Coral Chew Skoal Roll Contri-butt-ing Baller

As the season turns from a blustery cold to a slightly less blustery cold (we do live in Ohio, after all), the term “pledging” elicits mixed reactions among college students across the na- tion. Some associate the word with fun, friends and fellowship, while others call to mind notions of frivolity, folly and fuckery. For the service dogs of The Col- lege of Wooster’s 4Paws “pledging” represents the age-old tradition of initiating their handlers into a loyal and meaningful rela- tionship. Following the suspension of multiple Greek groups earlier this semester; however, 4Paws is the Dory, the service pup, poses next to Ellie Kahn ’20 after a particularly frightening round of hazing. According to the self-pro- latest group to garner attention claimed expert in your Psych 101 class, Ellie’s been exhibiting signs of Stockholm Syndrome since Dory arrived on campus. from the administration due to in it,” explained 4Paws handler “You would never have this prob- tions of verbal harassment. 4Paws geonly canine in explicit detail. multiple accusations of hazing in Claire Smrekar ’19. “We just do lem with a cat,” Dean and self-pro- dog Earl has received the brunt of Sam Royer ’19 and fellow han- the pledging process. what they want because they’re so claimed cat-person Henry Kreuz- these accusations. Jared Berg ’17, dlers of Earl have defended the The State of Ohio defines “haz- fucking cute.” man added. “My cat always minds who is not himself a handler but pup against these accusations. ing” as “doing any act or coercing Marissa Hamm ’19 agreed, adding, his own fucking business.” claims to have been privy to 4Paws “Why shouldn’t Earl have a voice?” another, including the victim, to “The bark is worse than the bite.” Hamm and Smrekar, who han- antics, has agreed to make his ac- Royer said, adding, “He’s also just do any act of initiation into any The College’s administration, dle the golden-lab Snickerdoodle, cusations about the papillon public. plain adorable. Look at him.” student or other organization that however, has insisted that the psy- admit that some aspects of han- “This dog won’t fucking shut Royer and fellow handlers deny causes or creates a substantial risk chological harm inflicted upon 4Paws dling may seem a bit unusual to up,” Berg said. “Every shrill yap that Earl’s behavior is any less than of causing mental or physical harm handlers is too great to ignore. outsiders. from that thing is basically a verbal delightful. to any person.” “We are taking every accusation “For our initiation into the pro- assault.” 4Paws handlers have continued Many members of 4Paws, both seriously,” President Sarah Bolton gram, Snickers would wake us up The remainder of Berg’s state- to fight off these accusations. human and canine, object to their explained. “4Paws dogs have dem- in the middle of the night to take ment, though deemed by Vice- “We won’t stand for this,” han- initiation processes as falling under onstrated behavior consistent a massive shit,” Smrekar explained. editor-in-chief Mariah Joyce ’17 dler Megan Zerrer ’18 said. “It’s the state definition. with the state’s formal definition “Like every night.” as too inflammatory to print, de- been ruff, but we will defend our “Coercion doesn’t play any role of hazing.” 4Paws dogs also face accusa- scribed his distaste for the curmud- canine comrades to the end.” Environmental Tip: Featured recipe of the week: Stop Reading Print Media Lowry tips and tricks from students Sally + Daniel = <3 form. “Spice up your texture and with sriracha for the dressing favorite.” — Gulia Children Actually, you know what, try making grilled cheese and let your tastebuds under- ’18. What are you doing?! just stop reading now. with cottage cheese. The stand color like a blind person Do you know how many Yeah, just throw this in wet and slimy consistency seeing for the first time.” — “Athletes are all about that trees had to die for this the recycling bin , where it will moisten your tastebuds Pawla Deena ’16. grind; the memes are proof bullshit?! This is a liber- belongs. You are doing no with pleasure. If the Lowry of that. To fully understand al arts instituion, we are service to the community workers at the grill stare at “Mixing different cereals how they gather the strength proud to be eco friendly by reading this newspaper. you, stare back.” — Grodon can be funky and fresh, but to keep grinding, mix all the and save the planet. Y’all Print media is what de- Ramzee ’17. when it comes down to it, its Vitamin Water and Powerade got computers and this stroyed the American all sugar! Instead of combin- to create the cocktail we like is the digital age, paper Dream. Steve Jobs did not “Colorful meals make for a ing cereals, try using all the to call, ‘The Grinder.” All the is for ass backwards hea- die a tragic death to make colorful life, but why not try different milks with one ce- vitamins will fuel you to keep thens. a paper phone. Respect just one color? Make a mono- real. Almond milk, 2 percent grinding, stay sweating and Y’all know this is pub- his dying wish and pick chromatic salad using the milk, chocolate milk, soy milk contining to push hard for lished online too, right? up that phone — STOP color red. Mix together toma- and rice milk can really bring R.I.P. grandma. Phillipians You don’t need to read READING WHY ARE toes, grapes and red peppers a fresh twist to the breakfast 6:9.” — Guy Fieri these memes in print YOU STILL HERE? Voice Section Editors: Friday, Lean Taco Meat Mar. 31 6 Tits and Tittytainment Garfield’s Lasagna THE JOHN CENA

“Sounds I Recorded On My iPhone” review Moonlight: album that Wickfield is most proud Unexpected Hit of. “There’s sort of a shift in momen- Moonlight is one of the best films tum, once ‘Some Dumbass In Biss- I’ve ever seen in my entire life. It’s a man Set Off The Fire Alarm Again’ moving, beautiful piece of art that ends and ‘My Roommate Arguing should be required viewing for every With Her Mom About Post-Gradu- human. I cried several times during ate Plans’ begins. I think it’s almost it. That said, I really thought it was like two albums in one.” One of the going to be about werewolves. album’s highlights is, according to Let me explain, I’m a big horror DatPiff user RatsAteMyDad44, “the movie buff and when A&E Editor most beautiful song I’ve heard since Katie Cameron asked me to review ‘Last Resort’ by Papa Roach.” “My Moonlight, I said yes for two reasons. dad would have loved it,” he added. 1) Because I thought Katie Cam- When asked to pick a favorite song eron was actually Grammy- award on the album, Wickfield said “No.” winning record artist St. Vincent When I asked her again, she said “it’s and 2) because I thought Moonlight a tie between two vastly different was going to be about werewolves. I songs, ‘Two Drunk Sorority Girls don’t read a lot or go on the Internet Finding Out They Have The Same a bunch so I hadn’t heard anything Birthday,’ which, as you know, is sort about Moonlight. As everyone knows, of a short, high-pitched sonic explo- werewolves transform when their Agnes Wickfield’s album cover for her debut album Sounds I Recorded on My sion and ‘Biochem Major Trying To skin is touched by the light of the iPhone (Photo stolen from Library of Congress courtesy of Nicholas Cage). Explain Their I.S. To An English moon, so naturally I was prepared Professor’ which has a longer, slower for a scary tale about a man who Chesthair Blessed iPhone. The album is, surprisingly, after,” said Wickfield. The album is 51 build.” struggles with his identity as a werewolf. Saved Our Ass an eclectic mix of different noises tracks long and it took Wickfield an The album is available to down- Wickfield heard and then recorded entire week to record. “That process load on most music websites and Um, while it’s safe to say that Chi- Some of The College of Wooster’s on her iPhone. Wickfield’s first al- was brutal,” Wickfield said, taking a RuneScape forums. Even though ron does struggle with his identity most famous alumni are luminaries in bum, The Reasons, an album entirely deep sigh. “I had to miss my sister’s nobody asked me, my favorite songs (a struggle that is portrayed with the music business. made up of Hoobastank covers, is wedding, but hey, I guess that’s what on it are “A Lowry Employee Mak- heart-breaking honesty), it’s more There’s John Jarndyce (class of vastly different from her new one, being an artist is all about.” ing Fun Of My Large Head,” “Sigs about him coming to terms with is- 1969), who was an original mem- which she describes as “maybe the The album’s early tracks are rela- Try To Convince Themselves That sues like race and sexuality rather ber of Earth, Wind, Water & Fire best album since Hilary Duff ’s Meta- tively bass-heavy compared to the People Don’t Hate Them,” and the than issues like shape-shifting into a before they kicked him out and re- morphosis.” rest of the album. Songs like “I Think last song on the album “I Shit My therianthropic hybrid wolf-like crea- named the band. There’s also Syd- The album begins with the eight- My RA Is Constipated” and “My Pants During A Midnight View- ture. Which is fine! In fact, the first ney Carton (class of 2005), who is minute long track “Me Eating Beans,” Upstairs Neighbor Having Raucous ing Of Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 At option is a much better story than a banjo understudy for Mumford & which Wickfield claims inspired her Intercourse” both feature a rhythmic Cinemark 10, The Stench Is So Bad the second. Just not what I expected. Sons. And of course, Pharrell (class to make the album. grunting that doesn’t appear any- That People Near Me Start Throw- As excellent as Moonlight is, parts of 1921). “One day, I was just sitting in my where else on the album. ing Up And Everyone Wants To of it are hard to watch. Chiron However, Wooster may have a room eating beans and I thought ‘Oh, “I’m really proud of both of those Leave But We Can’t Stop Laughing must contend with various kinds of new sheriff in the music biz. Agnes this could be something!’ so that kind tracks,” said Wickfield, “I think they At The Hilarious Antics Of Paul physical and emotional trauma that Wickfield ’18 is an aspiring musician of kicked off everything else. The show two sides of the same coin you Blart, We Will Die In This Forsak- permeate through his life while try- who just released her second album, next two tracks, ‘Dog Pissing’ and know?” en Place And Our Souls Will Go ing to figure who he is and where entitled Sounds I Recorded on My ‘Tennis Match’ were recorded shortly However, it’s the second half of the To Satan’s Domain.” he belongs. The film offers no easy answers to Chiron’s questions of self-knowledge and suggests that I wrote this in the Scot Center hungover and honestly it could be better we are constantly evaluating who Old Hag tobiographical writing with visual we are and what is important to us. Misogynist (Masseuse?) aids to depict the life of a wealthy And again, while these questions white woman on a predominantly are handled with delicate care and “It’s a masterpiece, in its concep- white liberal arts campus. told through director Barry Jenkins’ tion, its organization and its ex- The series is transcendent. Sto- stunning vision, I was surprised ecution.” -Prof. Tom Prendergast, ries like “Coffee Date with Bae” — not to see at least one scene featur- English Department in which Galore surprises the reading Chiron staring down at his arms “Avant-garde. Stunning. Iconic.” er by referring to a female friend as suddenly sprouting hair while howl- -Prof. Anthony Tognazzini, Eng- “bae”, instead of a male significant ing uncontrollably. lish Department other — includes imagery of foam I should also mention the incred- “That is some good shit — oh latte hearts in juxtaposition with ible performance of Mahershala Jesus, no, I’ve never seen her proj- emoji hearts, in various colors, as a Ali as Juan, who is a father figure ect. I’m just really enjoying this representation of her exclusive and to young Chiron. Juan is a perfectly egg salad sandwich. Want some?” totally original love for coffee. written character brought to life -Man sitting on bench on Beall. Another, titled “Not Like Other by Ali’s virtuoso performance. Juan This is the heralding praise Se- Girls,” upends patriarchal expec- teaches Chiron about self-worth, nior Boo T. Galore’17, an English tations, featuring images of Ga- masculinity and what it means to major, received after submitting lore drinking Keystone (her gag is be a man. These scenes are quietly her I.S. Galore created a collection barely noticeable) and playing beer beautiful as you feel Chiron’s ad- miration for a man who treats him of short Snapchat stories for her pong inside a fraternity hallway. Boo T. Galore, modern feminist heroine, sips coconut Independent Study, documenting The Snapchat video ominously cuts like a son. However, I was surprised water and mows the elliptical (Photo screenshotted the life a modern college senior. to black after Galore does not make that Juan was not a werewolf either. from Boo T. Galore’s Snapchat). “I took a lot of heat for my I.S. any shots and multiple intoxicated During a scene where Juan teaches during first semester. My dad said men begin shouting “NAKED women are held to in their ap- I’m the Hemingway of the short Chiron how to swim, I admit I was he wasn’t paying $60,000 a year LAP!” which is the same thing my pearance, even while working out. Snapstory — minimal words, lots somewhat distracted by imagining for me to take pictures of myself grandmother shouts when she es- Galore, in perfect makeup and Lu- of action, essentially bullfighting a scene where both characters are wearing a butterfly crown, but capes her home. lulemon yoga pants, makes a duck that one time I rode a mechanical werewolves and instead of swim- what can I say? He’s just jealous The most original is titled “Up face in the mirror despite a gruel- bull at that bar — and look how ming, they’re tearing woodland crea- because his cheekbones never pop in the Gym (Just Workin’ on My ing 30 minutes of watching the he and his career turned out! Obvi- tures to shreds. like mine do with that filter,” says Fitness)” depicts Galore taking Real Housewives of Orange County ously the dude was a true feminist The end of the film is poignant Galore. pictures of herself in the Scot on the elliptical. Her strength is icon, too.” and ephemeral and without spoiling The collection of short stories, Center gym mirror, from five admirable. Galore’s thesis received Honors, it, I will say that it left me in tears. I titled “Dog Ear-ed Stories (and angles. The short Snapstory is a “I don’t want to call myself a ge- and is available to read on Open wept for these characters who I knew Other Snap Filters),” combines au- commentary on the expectations nius,” Galore says, “But let’s just say Works. were not real but whose stories most certainly were. I could feel the pas- sion and heartbreak that playwright CWAM Bam Thank Ya Ma’am exhibit brings the nudes... mmm, spicy! Tarell McCraney had put into the Spritely B*tch then the camera cuts away and film was borne out of his own expe- rience, and I wept for the pain he had Plows the Tread the noodles suddenly spell out “Send Nudes”? Yeah, that shit gone through. I stayed through the Opening this weekend, the gets me every time.” credits to pay homage to the people College of Wooster Art Muse- In terms of its success, Send that had taken the time to create a um (CWAM) brings to campus Nudes has been particularly work of art that left me speechless. a recent travelling exhibit ti- popular on college campuses I also thought maybe there would tled Send Nudes applauded by since its first opening in 2015. be a post-credits scene where Chiron The New Yorker as “a breath- For the past year, the exhibi- finally does turn into a werewolf and taking perspective on all of tion has toured liberal arts is subsequently recruited by Nick the fundamental qualities that schools throughout Ohio, mak- Fury, but hey, you can’t win ‘em all. make us human.” Critics from ing its way to Kenyon, Deni- across the globe praise it for son, and Wittenberg prior to Daisy Holmes, former WWE wres- its “honesty,” claiming an ex- Wooster. “It really is the tits,” tler and contributing writer for the hibit like Send Nudes only said Scotty Russell, a freshman Vice, can be reached for comment at Let me see them titties bounce, even if they’re made of comes about once in a lifetime. lacrosse player at Denison who [email protected] Send Nudes, which features later commented that he really marble (Photo stolen by Carmen Sanfrancisco). portraits and statues of naked enjoyed Send Nudes’ emphasis ready buzzing with excitement sighed, “You know, it’s whatev- women surrounded by walls on female empowerment and for Send Nudes. “I’ll have to er gets ‘em through the door.” of sheet metal, explores com- felt inclined to call his mother figure out exactly where Ebert A photobooth will be set up LIKE MOVIES? plex themes of vulnerability after seeing the exhibit. Like- is first, but I’m so hype,” said in the lobby so that patrons can MUSIC? WRITING? and empowerment through a wise, Kenny Short, a sopho- fifth-year senior and prankster leave with a memento to help lens of femininity. “I wanted more at Kenyon, stated, “Lotta Ryan Platten who frequently them remember the exhibit. No to make the subject acces- boobs, lotta heart. I might even rearranges wooden letters in dick pics, please. GET A BLOG OR sible to a broad audience,” consider taking an intro to craft stores to spell the famed So come check the nudes out said curator Jodi Wilson, WGSS to fulfill my Arts & Hu- phrase. When asked about the for yourselves. The exhibition SOMETHING, adding “plus, like, you know manities requirement now, just increased attention from the will open with a reception on MOTHERFUCKER. those memes of someone eat- depends when golf is offered.” student body, Kitty Zurko, Saturday, April 1 and run until ing noodles or something and At Wooster, students are al- CWAM’s Director and Curator the man shuts it down. Section Editors: Vice Friday, D-3 StudentAthletes Leg Day We’re all the same Sprrrrts 7 Only one person drowns during 2016-17 swim season

D-3 StudentAthlete #3 present, no foul play is suspected #GrindNeverStops in this tragedy, other than stupidity, which is pretty foul The College of Wooster indeed. It appears that SoDunne Swimming and Diving teams took “swim at your own risk” set a school record this season quite literally. with only one case of fatal SoDunne’s death was the drowning. only major accident this season Wooster for a team that swimmer has, historically SoDunne ’17 By only hav- at least, rarely drowned in “ing one swim- gone weeks a February without a fatality. practice after mer die this year, The program’s not listening to the College has most notable her teammates’ accident to date shouting when saved costs that was a 1989 meet she was nearing at Wittenberg the side wall usually go toward where the of the pool protecting itself opposing swimming students filled the backstroke. in court.” pool with flesh- Although this hungry piranhas is generally a in the middle fool-proof way - The so-called of a Wooster SoDunne ’17 was the only drowning casualty recorded in a record-low accident year for the of protecting “Administration” practice, and swimming and diving teams — some things just can’t be helped (Photo by Brian Wilson Groupie). swimmers, then proceeded SoDunne to remove all swimmers out of the pool. When reached for comment, College is inevitably sued in ignored her teammates’ dire the ladders, sentencing eight A Wooster team tradition soulless black onyx, otherwise the next couple decades due to warnings and proceeded to Wooster students to a rather is to track days without an known as the administration, the injuries our football players smash her head right into that nasty fate. incident similarly to how was quick to commend the swim receive every fall. Because we goddamned wall which rings Another notable incident took warehouses and factories do. team on their accomplishment, lack the courage necessary the pool and makes it impossible place in 1970. A routine known The team hopes this number “By only having one swimmer die to stand up to our Board of for little kids (or out-of-shape as a “dead man float,” was taken rises into the triple digits in the this year, the College has saved Trustees and end the football adults) to escape their swimming too literally by the team. Six near future and that the body costs that usually go toward program, these athletes get to lessons without a ladder. Due swimmers lost their lives before count for next season remains protecting itself in court. This live with the consequences of to the number of witnesses coaches were able to pull the in the single digits. will come in handy when the CTE. Go Scots!!!!!!” 4 Paws dogs take a break from duty and finally have a good time

D-3 Student Athlete #2 quarterbacks better look out. To build up her strength, Paisley’s #AlwaysGrindin increased her dog food and treat Well folks, I am elated to report intake and she’s happy to perform that your happiest dreams have high fives for extra treats. She’s come true. Dory, the temporary also working on carrying heavy 4 Paws Spokespup while Snicker- bones and Kongs around her house doodle is away in Xenia on some to build up some extra muscle. If very important puppy business, you’re interested in building up announced that the dogs here on some muscle with this curly-haired Wooster’s campus have formed pup, you can send paper mail to their own Puppy Bowl team and Rickett House, 942 Spink St. Just are training hard to prepare for make sure to address your enve- Puppy Bowl XIV (sad to say you’ll lope to Paisley so her humans don’t have to wait almost a whole year to open the mail! see them compete). Lastly, don’t think our boy Earl But don’t let that get you down, is just the GM. With his high-qual- these Fighting Scots have an action- ity leadership skills, high-pitched packed plan for the rest of Spring bark and little legs, this pup is Semester. First, for those of you the perfect quarterback. Jumping, who have been living under a rock sprinting and dodging are his spe- (or piles of I.S. paperwork) let me cialty, so it makes perfect sense that introduce the team. (Just make sure Snickers has been on a strict schedule while training for the Puppy Bowl. Let sleeping dogs lie, the other pups would entrust this not to tell Dory that I snagged don’t make them exercise more (Photo grudgingly provided by Mad-dog Braver). feisty little Papillion to get the ball some of their super secret papers down the field. With his big ears and playbooks. She’s really easily worried that he might not be a to anyone that Kazooie’s holding so if anyone is interested please and even bigger personality, it’s distracted by treats, believe me, it team-player when it comes to shar- down the team as running back. contact Kazooie at KazooieLoves- hard to deny that this pup is the wasn’t hard to sneak into her office.) ing the glory. This energy-filled little whirl- [email protected]. one all the other dogs look to. He’s Of course Snickerdoodle, with To help alleviate some of team- wind always has some pep in her While Paisley isn’t as well small but he’s mighty. his long legs and lanky frame manager Earl’s concerns, Snicker- step and Earl seems confident that versed in the fetching or the catch- Lastly, the pups would like to has been placed at wide receiver. doodle is attending weekly prac- she can take this team to all-new ing ways as her teammates Snick- thank President Bolton for her I mean, he is half retriever, so it tices with the other pups to help heights with her superior speed ers and Kazooie are, she seems substantial contribution to the only makes sense that this pup likes jump-start his team spirit. If you and agility. This dog is a ball of more than happy to taking on the team. They’re using the donation to go and fetch. We’re also pretty are interested in mentoring Snick- energy on and off the field. To role of linebacker. And believe me, to buy MacLeod tartan jerseys. paws-itive that his dashing good erdoodle on how to be a good team whip herself into even better this pup has mastered the running They’d also like to thank the foot- looks will help distract the other player, you can shoot him a mes- shape, Kazooie is planning on tackle. This long-legged dog isn’t ball team for allowing them to use team’s bitches. While he’s already sage on his Twitter, @Snicker- running a whopping seven miles afraid to charge another pup head the field to practice and prom- had lots of practice playing fetch stheAllStar. every day. She’s looking for a run- on. She might be a girl, but she’s ise that their human slaves have with his housemates, the dogs are It can’t really come as a surprise ning buddy from the track team, tough as Milkbones. So those other picked up after them.

THE POPE IS DOPE No, God and Jesus don’t care about your stupid little sports game As the Bishop of Rome, get people to live in peace that second goal or touchdown, those ends. defense skipping practice each the worldwide leader of the I take off my mitre in exchange whatever, and then immediately So why in Holy Hell are week? With the way they play Catholic faith and one of the for my favorite team’s baseball after the game reporters shove a you bothering him? God’s out football, you’d think tackling world’s most hat and root for them to crush microphone in front of his face there, somewhere, listening to was the work of Satan. Get culturally our rivals. Or if I miss the and instead of breaking down everyone who’s talking to him. low, wrap up and finish to the and game, I’m always ready to kick the play, the player proclaims, Who do you think He should ground, God dammit! diplomatically my Holy Slippers up on my “First and foremost, I have to listen to? A child in war-torn The point I’m trying to make influential ottoman and catch up on the thank God…” country, or an overpaid, whiny is, God, Jesus and the Holy people, day’s sporting news with the Jesus H. Christ! prima donna athlete who has Spirit don’t give a shit about Pope Freakin’ I’m a busy latest edition of SportsCenter. Pardon my cursing. Anyway, a different car for each day your stupid game. I do, though, Francis guy. I’m Nothing gets me juiced like I’m not one to tell players to of the week? I get that He’s and I’m tired of you always sure the stress of this job spending my Sundays watching stick to sports, but in this case supernatural and can listen to bringing up my boss(es) after has taken years off my the NFL (rooting for the Saints, I’m 100 percent going to tell everyone, but I imagine even the game. I watch sports to life, which would be a bad naturally) while I have my players to stick to sports. In universal omnipotence has its get away from all that shit. So, thing if I wasn’t essentially assistants lead prayer. I love a world ravaged by suffering limits. please, do us all a favor and leave guaranteed a spot in Heaven hard hitting, fast-paced action. such as famine, war and deadly Instead of calling God after all the preaching up to me. upon my death. There’s just one thing that diseases, you really think God every half decent play you make Amen. But, hey, I’m human. I always gets my goat when I gives even a fraction of a shit and tying up the phone lines to need a break from religion watch sports. what happens in your game? Heaven, how about you hurry Pope Francis, the Bishop of Rome just as much as the next We all know what I’m talking He’s busy trying to find out the up and get back in the gym and sovereign of Vatican City, can be guy. So, it’s only natural that about. A player makes a great best way to teach us about love, so you can actually earn those reached for comment through prayer., after a long day of waving play, either the game-winning peace and enduring values that commas in your paycheck? smoke signals or by sliding into his to strangers and trying to shot, a walk-off homer, last will guide humanity toward Because honestly, is the Saints’ DMs on Twitter. 8 Friday, No Days Off, 2017 WV Sports section to be cut to save ink Notable Numbers Zerrer ’18, sports editor said. Earlier in the year, Vice editors placed an obscene watermark on the 45 1 million sports pages in order to see how many Number of times white mille- Number of times Cavaliers people would complain. After the nial sports fans have cringed after forward LeBron James has com- first edition received no complaints, hearing an older family member plained to the refs about not get- the editors decided that maybe the making a generalized statement ting a foul call on him when he watermark was not offensive enough about “ball players these days,” thinks he deserves one. James to warrant complaints. Another, while watching an NBA or col- was voted as the softest player in more offensive watermark was lege basketball game. the league in a poll of NBA refs. placed on sports pages in the next edition. Again, the editors received no 0 7% complaints. The editorial board then Amount of credit Steve Kerr Percentage of Ohioans who determined that literally no one reads deserves for the Warriors’ suc- are aware that there is an NHL the sports section. cess, according to just about ev- team in their home state, accord- “At that point, it was clear that no ery suburban dad in the Cleve- ing to a new Gallup poll. The poll one read or even glanced at the sports land area. Dads also noted how revealed that many residents of pages,” Berg said. “All you had to do it’s “totally fucking unfair” how Ohio had never heard the phrase, was look at the watermark for just a “stacked” the Warriors are. “Columbus Blue Jackets.” second and you would notice it. And Caption not available due to a desperate attempt to save ink. no one did.” Plus, who the Hell really cares enough to read captions? With the reduced expenses from cut costs by reducing expenses from ink and paper that was wasted on 180% 109 D-3 StudentAthlete #1 Amount that attendance in- Years until the Chicago Cubs #NeverStopsGrindin the extra ink and paper. the sports section, the editors are “At the end of the day, it was confident that the paper can navigate creased at Chicago Blackhawks will win the World Series again, Citing the increasing irrelevancy really just too costly to justify such a the difficult new world of print media. games once the team got to be according to Megan Zerrer ’18. and financial challenges facing print pointless section of the newspaper,” “Now that we aren’t burdened by good, probably. The Hawks re- The Cubs wasted the Indians this media, Vice Editors in Chief Mariah Joyce said. the sports section, we can focus on ceived little attention from Chi- year in the Series, though. She Joyce ’17 and Jared Berg ’17 have made “It really went downhill after more important things,” Joyce said. cagoans until the team won three expects them to tack on another the executive decision to cut the Sports we conducted an experiment to “I was honestly tired of editing those Stanley Cups recently and will year to their previous record of Section from the paper in an effort to determine the readership,” Megan pages, anyway.” probably win it again this year. 108 years to bolster their stats.

Megan’s and Aleksi’s quick picks Bite-Sized Spots This Month’s Games Megan Aleksi “THOSE JERSEYS SUCK” - MOM BYE, BYE BROWNS (123-68) (119-72) NAT’L LITTLE LEAGUE While watching a recent NBA game between the The Cleveland Browns have been preemp- Johnston, IA v. Mequon, WI Mequon Johnston Milwaukee Bucks and the Detroit Pistons, a suburban tively eliminated from playoff contention for Palo Alto, CA v. Saratoga, CA Saratoga Palo Alto mother commented on the notably horrendous attire the 2017-18 season, after the most recent NFL Glendale, MI v. Winnetka, IL Winnetka Glendale both of the teams were wearing. Owners Meetings. Sammamish, WA v. Bexley, OH Sammam. Bexley “Wow, those are really ugly,” she said, adding that “I mean come on, it’s the Browns,” said Rob- Hudson, OH v. Clayton, MI Hudson Clayton she knew nothing else about the teams. “Who de- ert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots. Hinsdale, IL v. Wyoming, OH Wyoming Hinsdale signed those things? Wow, the colors are just awful.” “They were never going to make it there any- Germantown, TN v. Orinda, CA Orinda Orinda While the mother added that she wasn’t sure which way.” Fox Point, MI v. Southlake, TX Fox Point Southlake team was which, she said that whoever was in charge Kraft added that while the Browns still have Brentwood, TN v. Zionsville, IN Zionsville Brentwood better change those jerseys quick and that “she could a shot to make the playoffs in 2018-19, there’s a Powell, OH v. Caldwell, NJ Caldwell Powell do a much better job” herself. “fat fucking chance of that happening.” Bellaire, TX v. Ladue, MS Ladue Bellaire

Vice Editors in Chief: Mariah Joyce Events Jared Berg Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday March 26 27 28 29 30 31 32

3:49 a.m.. 5:27 p.m. Almost New Hampshire Almost Vermont Freedlander Theater Freedlander Theater 9:30 p.m. Sad Boy Karaoke Aboveground

12:09 p.m. 33 34 65753w45756 w56 Help I’m3q23 trapped Send help please Almost Rhode Island 8 a.m. Freedlander Theater Skip that class you haven’t All day yet 2 p.m. Party for Angry Woman Football game no one’s going and Eeyore Man 7 p.m. of course 7 p.m. of course 10 p.m. to go to Gifts mandatory Some fucker presents on Some fucker presents on Eyes Wide Shut Recre- Only five weekends left at Honestly where is our foot- something another thing ation this god-forsaken place.... ball field? Lowry Pit

it? Get lost, dweeb. your mother always knew you could be. Voice Calendar of Events and Suggestions for events can be sent to Angry Woman and Eeyore Man would Classified Listings Editors in Chief Angry Woman and Eeyore like to make it known that every day from now Man at MJoyceisnotlisteningtoyou17@wooster. until the end of the semester will be a party in If we cared about this school, we would edu and JBergdoesn’twannahearit17@wooster. their honor, and if you don’t like it honestly you dedicate our back page to a calendar about up- edu. can fuck right off because they are GEMS and coming events at the College. Alternatively, students who wish to GOD’S GIFT TO THIS SCHOOL and you Since we don’t, we’re going to put what- publicize their events can scream into the void. would be NOWHERE WITHOUT US. Got ever the hell we want here. Got a problem with Embrace the darkness within. Become the demon that? NOWHERE.

VAGINA DRAWING CONTEST!!!!!@!!@11!

Did it get on your nerves when students complained that there were cartoon vaginas on the art wall? Or on the Lowry windows? Do you just really love vaginas? Are you an alien trapped in the body of a human woman? Me too! #relatable Channel those feelings into your art and draw us a vagina! Submissions can be sent to the trashcan, slipped under the door of the Voice dun- geon, or handed to the best roommate I’ve had this year, Elena Soyer. She probably won’t speak to me anymore after I pull this shit on her but it’s for art so I hope she understands. If you don’t want to draw a vagina you could just draw a picture of something else, but that’s lame and I will mock you.