The New Hampshire Gazette, Friday, December 21, 2018 — Page 1 Vol. CCLXII, No. 7 The New Hampshire Gazette Grab Me! December 21, 2018 The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com I’m Free! The Fortnightly Rant The Don Who Couldn’t Think Straight irst thing Sunday morning, when many of dumb was it for the country to let him in? his evangelical supporters were presum- Let’s face it, this is all so bizarre it’s tough Fably in church, President Donald J. Trump for even this newspaper to deal with. The only took to Twitter to malign his former lawyer: rag with the chops to handle this level of sur- “Remember, Michael Cohen only became realism is the National Enquirer. a ‘Rat’ after the FBI did something which was Wait a minute—we almost forgot. It was absolutely unthinkable & unheard of until the National Enquirer that put him in office, the Witch Hunt was illegally started. They by shelling out $150,000 to “catch and kill” BROKE INTO AN ATTORNEY’S OF- Karen McDougal’s story about boffing the FICE! Why didn’t they break into the DNC future President while Melania, the former to get the Server, or Crooked’s office?” nude model and future First Lady, was sitting There was, of course, no “break in”—the at home in tacky Trump Tower, tending to FBI had a search warrant. But what’s one their new baby. more lie from this guy? The Washington Post Journalistic ethics would seem to require, used to maintain a database of his lies. It seems then, that the Enquirer recuse itself. That to have given up on October 30th, when the leaves covering this beat up to us, which isn’t total stood at 6,420. going to be easy. Under ordinary circumstanc- After complaining bitterly about an FBI es, reporting on an amoral sociopath being search that was legal, Trump suggested that crushed by the legal consequences of a life- the Agency ought to break into the headquar- time of exceptionally sordid crimes is some- ters of his political enemies. How typical. He thing we could handle with nary a qualm. decides to act Presidential for once, and em- This time it’s a little different. We suspect it ulates the only one who was forced to resign. has something to do with that button on his Such contempt for his oath of office would be desk that could launch 1,800 nukes. shocking if it came from anyone else. From No one has the authority to take away his him, it’s just Sunday. “nuclear football,” but at least the New York Twitter is magic: it forces even rambling Attorney General has barred him from serv- blatherers to be concise, if not coherent. The ing on the boards of any New York charities. results of that process can be transformative. In a statement, AG Barbara D. Under- Trump set out to vent his ire at Cohen, but wood said that her office had uncovered “a ended up writing a 46-word confession. All shocking pattern of illegality involving the Cohen did was tell the truth to law enforce- Trump Foundation—including unlawful co- ment. If that makes a lawyer a rat, it makes his ordination with the Trump presidential cam- ex-client a criminal. paign, repeated and willful self-dealing, and We now interrupt this Rant for a very, very much more. This amounted to the Trump brief quiz. Who said, “China has total respect Foundation functioning as little more than a for Donald Trump, and for Donald Trump’s checkbook to serve Mr. Trump’s business and very, very large brain.” Correct! It had to have political interests.” been the President, because who else would Donald Trump is besieged on all sides. Per- say that? haps his bruised and fragile ego will be bol- Tweeting a confession out to fifty million stered by the knowledge that he has recently head,” according to The Telegraph. along with one species of lichen. Don’t tell people, though, doesn’t seem particular- achieved a rare distinction: a newly-discov- “It is hoped,” the paper asserted, without Trump, though—he’s still got that button. ly bright. Maybe Fran Lebowitz was right: ered species has been named after him. Aidan specifying by whom, “that naming the new It’s enough to make one wonder, how will “Everyone says he is crazy—which maybe he Bell, who runs a sustainable building materials moth after Mr. Trump will highlight the crit- this all end? is—but the scarier thing about him is that he company, paid $25,000 for the right to name ical need for further conservation in fragile Let’s hope it’s not in a nuclear inferno is stupid. You do not know anyone as stupid as a new species of cæcilian recently discovered areas such as the habitat of the new species brought on in part by a tabloid newspaper. Donald Trump. You just don’t.” in Panama. which is under serious threat from urbani- If not by fire, then what about water? No, How dumb is he? He’s so dumb he cor- Dermophis donaldtrumpi is a blind worm sation.” This delusional pipe dream was pub- even at the rate the ice is melting, D.C. will still nered himself in the Oval Office; granted, about four inches long that has thin skin and lished days before Trump’s inauguration. No be above sea level in 2020, and even in—God with a little help from his enemies Nancy Pe- lives with its head in the sand. doubt the dream has long since vanished, and forbid—2024. losi and Chuck Schumer. Let us give credit This is actually the second species named Neopalpa donaldtrumpi’s habitat with it. Let’s be optimistic and presume that justice where it’s due: it takes a special mix of stu- after the 45th President. The first was Neopal- Two species is two more than most people finally catches up to Donald Trump, and his pidity and criminality to violate the laws of pa donaldtrumpi, a micro-moth which “bore can claim, but Trump is unlikely to ever sur- taxidermied sidekick Mike Pence, too. geometry. an uncanny resemblance to Mr. Trump be- pass his predecessor. Thirteen species of ani- Who does that leave as President, then? The Here’s a more disturbing question: how cause of the yellowish-white scales on its mals have been named after Barack Obama, Speaker of the House, you say? The Alleged News® What do most Americans want? Who cares? It doesn’t matter. They can’t have it. he oaf in the Oval Office got hath passivity in the face of constant Declaration “that all men are created For a person whose only option Cheap Shots at an Easy Target there for myriad reasons. Many insult and injury? equal.” has ever been to sell his life by the Nothing, since the ratification of DemocratsT found their candidate It’s quite popular in some circles Yet here in this singular bastion hour, and that to a buyer who has the 16th Amendment in 1913, has uninspiring. Her campaign was these days to hark back to the hal- of freedom, wealth and income in- always had the power to dictate all raised the ire of the wealthy quite inept. James Comey’s intervention lowed days of Our Founders, when equality are at unprecedented levels. the terms, that angry voice at least like the IRS. Of course, nobody certainly had some effect, as did the Original Intent was inscribed on Productivity and corporate profits expresses a justified rage that’s wel- likes the IRS, and why should they? Russian social media campaign. parchment by some ink-stained have risen steadily for a generation, come nowhere else. Casting a vote Every time you get a paycheck, it’s Without the seething anger geek wielding a goose feather. Why, while wages have been stagnant. for the personification of your frus- already taken out a bite. Then, every of tens of millions of Americans, it’s the next best thing to stone tab- Homes and college educations are tration may not—will not—stop the April, it puts you through a wringer though—not all of whom were rac- lets … . unaffordable. Illness can spell bank- futile treadmill. It will register your of anxiety and costs you money to ists, despite there being plenty of More often than not this brand ruptcy. protest, though, against a rigged sys- boot. As with so many things in this racists among them—none of those of nostalgia-porn focuses on the If a person is so fortunate as to tem. That’s not nothing. world, though, the IRS represents factors would have had the power to inviolable rights of property—im- have found some tolerable niche, This situation is unlikely to im- different things to different people. put our singularly inept and corrupt plying that those without property and is reasonably confident that prove so long as the system pumps The vast majority of Americans incumbent into the White House. can go pound sand. That’s a pretty their basic needs are being met with- out fresh evidence daily which puts with middling incomes have little The results of this rage-voting are narrow take on an agreement that out constant, frantic effort, they may the spotlight on its own corrupt na- hope of getting any kind of break tragic and deplorable.