THE SONGS OF MIDSUMMERFEST “Never forget that music is much too important to be left entirely in the hands of professionals.” -- ROBERT FULGHUM, Maybe (Maybe Not) 2005 Edition 1.17 The Do-It-Yourself Instant Country Lyric Kit how to get your achy breaky heart to beat in 4/4 time by Larry Tritten You left me... and I'm but it really don't matter and you'll... because... (pick one) (pick one) (pick one) •taking soap and water to the back • I got my bottle and I got my dog • know I'm not a pig when you're seat of my car, and we're all goin' out tonight, makin' bacon without me, • having a Wild Turkey sandwich, • life's a two-lane blacktop and I'm • find my love among the leftovers hold the bread a goosed-up pickup Ford, in the icebox of your heart, • gonna chase Chastity till she ain't • you've been recycled-- you're • go on saving whales and chaste no more such a slut -- you've got NO redwoods, too, while I try to save DEPOSIT stamped on your butt, me from the memory of you, • sending you a postcard from • you called me donkey face for the • realize you can't get me out of Death Valley: Wish you were last time and now I'm hauling ass, your head (and you can't get me here, out of your pants), • flying out to Debbie, the gal who • my love's biodegradable (it gets • find that hell is all your old just did Dallas and Fort Worth, more degrading every day), flames burning brightly in one place, • in a state of confusion in a town • while you were dancing with the • find my Dewar's profile down on named Splitsville (and I'm living wolves, I was playing with the the post-office wall, on Civil Court), beavers, • getting used to being abused by • I'm a two-timing guy who just • regret taking the Bronco and you, met some triplets, going to Rodeo Drive, feelin' like a sheep in wolf's clothing without ewe, (pick one) angel, honky-tonk woman, baby, because... because... (pick two, alternate freely) (pick one, growl) • I don't like it when my girlfriend has a boyfriend, • your in-laws are outlaws but your own kin don't sin, • my life's an empty book without your name on every • heartache isn't something that a doctor can cure, page, • there's life after the death of love, at least below the • the only way I'd miss you is with a .45, waist, • my heart is broken badly but my liver's holding the • the safest sex I ever knew is the sex we never had, line, • you got the Midas touch: You made a muffler out of • we ain't Roy and Dale and this ain't no Happy Trail, me, and/but I'll... and/but (pick one and weep) (pick one, return to top) • rise from my ashes like the fabled phoenix does. • my new girl's husband bought the farm and now she's buying rounds. • never be able to give my heart to science now that • I guess the baby-sitter's my baby now. it's broke. • sure enjoy that Moosehead (though the antlers poke • I'll bury you not on the lone prairie but near the new my thighs). mall in Kankakee. • this is the end I want -- it sure looks good in shorts. •I'll give free love a try because it sounds like a good buy. Table of Contents ACCOUNTANCY SHANTY...........................1 A WHOLE NEW WORLD ................................17 YOU’LL BE IN MY TENT................................17 ADDAMS FAMILY THEME ..........................1 BE A MAN...............................................17 THE AERISH BALLAD.................................1 GET ON STAGE ..........................................17 THE AGE OF MIDSUMMERFEST..................1 DANNY'S SONG ........................................ 18 AIN'T GONNA RAIN NO MORE ....................2 DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY........................ 18 ALISON • ....................................................2 DON'T WORRY, GO CAMPING................... 18 ALL THINGS DULL AND UGLY ...................3 DOWN BY THE STATION .......................... 19 ALPHABET SONGS......................................3 END OF THE WORLD • .............................. 19 THE ALPHABET SONG.................................... 3 ENGINEERS’ DRINKING SONG •................ 20 THE MUPPET ALPHABET SONG ......................... 3 LUMBERMAN’S ALPHABET.............................. 3 ERIC THE HALF-A-BEE ............................. 22 THE SAILOR'S ALPHABET I.............................. 4 EVERY SPERM IS SACRED........................ 22 SAILOR'S ALPHABET II .................................. 4 EXISTENTIAL BLUES................................ 23 ALWAYS LOOK OF THE BRIGHT SIDE FAST FOOD............................................... 24 OF LIFE....................................................4 FESTERELLA & FRIENDS: THE ARISE ALL YE OF MIT ................................5 PRINCESS COLLECTION ........................ 25 ARHUS SONG .............................................5 A SCREAM IS THE SOUND YOUR VOICE MAKES.....25 ARISE YE OF MIDSUMMERFEST ONCE AT A LATRINE ....................................25 (ORIGINAL) .............................................5 I WANT ADVENTURE ...................................25 COLORS OF THE MIND ..................................25 ARISE YE OF MIDSUMMERFEST .................5 PARTNER MY WORLD ..................................25 ARISE YE SONS OF MIT ..............................6 FIFTY WAYS TO HOSE YOUR CODE.......... 25 AULD LANG SYNE •....................................6 FIFTY WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER THE BALLAD OF BUBBA • ..........................6 •............................................................. 26 THE BALLAD OF 5.60 .................................7 FIRE AND RAIN • ...................................... 27 THE BALLAD OF IAN DOWELL • .................7 FOUND A PEANUT.................................... 27 THE BARBARA SONG .................................8 FUSION GIRL • .......................................... 28 BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO ..........................8 FUZZY WUZZY ......................................... 28 BICYCLE BUILT FOR TWO ..........................9 GALAXY SONG......................................... 28 THE BARBARA SONG .................................9 GOOD MORNING MERRY SUNSHINE ........ 29 THE BILLBOARD SONG ............................ 10 GREAT GREEN GOBS................................ 29 BILLBOARDS............................................ 10 GREEN EGGS & HAM................................ 29 BLACKBIRD • ........................................... 10 THE GRINCH............................................. 30 BLOWIN' IN THE WIND • ........................... 11 HELLO DELI ............................................. 31 BOSOM BUDDIES...................................... 11 THE HERRING SONG................................. 31 BROTHERS’ RAP....................................... 12 THE HONEYMOONING COUPLE................ 31 BROWN EYED GIRL •................................ 12 THE HOUSE AT POOH CORNER................. 32 A BUSHEL AND A PECK............................ 13 HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE CAMPING CASANOVA.............................. 13 WINDOW ............................................... 33 CAMPING • ............................................... 14 HUNDRED ACRES..................................... 33 CATCH A FALLING STAR.......................... 15 HUNDRED ACRES (PART 2)....................... 33 CATCH A PICKLED HERRING.................... 15 HUNK OF TIN............................................ 34 THE CLEAN SONG .................................... 15 HUNTING SONG, THE • ............................. 34 COW IMAGINATION ................................. 16 HYPOTHERMIA! ....................................... 35 CRAWDAD SONG (VERSION 1).................. 16 HYPOTHERMIA ........................................ 36 CRAWDAD SONG (VERSION 2).................. 16 ICE CREAM............................................... 36 DANNY BOY............................................. 17 I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO KILL MYSELF OR GO BOWLING..................... 36 DISNEY DOES MIDSUMMERFEST ............. 17 I LOVE TRASH .......................................... 37 IF ALL OF THE RAINDROPS ...................... 37 M.I.T. ........................................................ 56 IF I HAD $1,000,000.................................... 38 MISS POLLY ............................................. 57 IF IT'S RAINING ........................................ 38 MR. TANNER ............................................ 57 I KNOW AN OLD WOMAN WHO MORAL MAJORITY, THE •......................... 58 SWALLOWED A FLY.............................. 38 THE MTA SONG ........................................ 59 IF I WERE A MOOSE.................................. 39 THE MUPPET SHOW THEME SONG ........... 59 I KNOW YOU RIDER • ............................... 40 MY BLUE HEAVEN ................................... 59 I’M A CAMPER.......................................... 40 MY DING-A-LING...................................... 59 I'M A WOMAN........................................... 40 MY DOG ROVER ....................................... 60 IMMANUEL KANT .................................... 41 MY FAVORITE THINGS............................. 60 INTO THE AIR, JUNIOR BIRDMEN ............. 41 MY FAVORITE MSF THINGS ..................... 60 I WANT TO KISS HER •.............................. 41 MYSTERIOUS WAYS •............................... 60 THE IRISH BALLAD • ................................ 42 NEVER SAY NO ........................................ 61 ISN'T IT AWFULLY NICE TO HAVE A NEW MATH • ............................................ 62 PENIS .................................................... 42 NORWEGIAN HOT DOG SONG IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN..................