Why am i on the cover? see pages 14-16. Who would even create me? see page 2. What should I rent this weekend? see pages 20-21. The Carl Recommends by Dan Sugarman Doom [DVD; February 7] THE Wrestler-turned-actor The Rock is a deadly Marine mercenary traveling into Department: space to slaughter aliens by the dozen. Synopsis reads: "Their mission: nothing gets out alive." Too good to be true. TOP 5 History The Coming Tug of War Over the Internet [Washington Post; http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpd Top Five Historical Defenestrations Other Than the yn/content/article/2006/01/21/ Defenestration of Prague AR2006012100094.html] "AT&T Chairman Edward E. Whitacre Jr. 1. The Defenestration of Austin complained that Internet content providers were getting a free ride: ‘They 2. The Second Defenestration of Prague don't have any fiber out there. 3. The Defenestration of Newark They don't have any wires. They use my lines for free — and that's bull,’ he 4. The Defenestration of the Rea Sea said. ‘For a Google or a Yahoo or a 5. The Defenestration of Musser (voluntary) Vonage or anybody to expect to use these pipes for free is nuts!'’" Belle & Sebastian’s The Life Pursuit So, what is it exactly about junior year that is making [CD; February 7] How are you preparing for everyone go crazy? I mean, I know Carleton gets like this every term, and everyone has tons of work, but it seems like The indie pop superstars release an everywhere I turn all my classmates are telling me how equally-produced but better album than DORM WARS? overwhelming their workload is. I don’t know. I suppose it Dear Catastrophe Waitress. Standout has something to do with the fact that we officially hav tracks: "Act of the Apostle," "White majors now. Plus, I think at least half my class was gone Collar Boy," "To Be Myself Completely." abroad somewhere last term. So maybe things are just seem- ing difficult because of that. Who knows. That you apply to debate Fox News’ On a semi-related note: good luck to all you compsing Bill O’Reilly [TV; Feb. 7-8, 14-15 & 21- seniors out there! Especially Roddy and Becca, who I know 22] give their talks soon. -John Applicants can enter the "Bloviate with Bill" contest by e-mailing [email protected]. Not a joke; submit your debate topic by February "I might take cooler 7. More details at http://www.foxnews.com/story/ showers." 0,2933,181845,00.html. - Nick Smith ’09 “I don’t live on campus." -Sonya Derman ’06 Bob Jones University Webcam [Webcam; http://www.bju.edu/about/ campus/webcam.html] Live the thrill of attending America’s most infamous liberal arts college, 24 hours a day. "Workin’ on my GUNS." Enthusiastic But Mediocre’s Top 100 - James Hannaway Singles of 2005 [MP3 Blog; ’09 http://www.furanes.net/ebm/] "Call George W. Bush and mount Pop music enthusiast posts MP3s of his an air strike on favorite 2005 singles, which range "I’m doing a lot of from Head Automatica’s "Beating Heart their asses." organizing, and try- Baby" to Patrick Wolf’s "The - Kaizen Yang ’08 ing to get people Libertine." Each bandwidth-pleasing excited!" entry is accompanied by a witty - Becky Dernbach ’08 blurb. carl carl THE DOORMAT Las poemas de ¡Tú dirás! B. THE DOORMAT You may not be aware of it, but if you’re in possession of ¡Tú dirás!, C. Guest Column: Katie Berringer on the the Carleton Spanish department’s textbook of choice, you’re also in possession of a found-poetry resource staggering in its depth and pitfalls of being Googled by your mom THETHE SCHILLOMESCHILLOMETER emotive power. To the untrained reader, the English translations of To start off, my mother and I, as a on someone’s blog: I started jacking off TER select words and phrases accompanying the text throughout appear rule, do not talk about sex. Occasionally with the image of Katie Berringer in my only to help clarify the readings. But they are so much more—so we’ll come dangerously close to the sub- mind, an old girlfriend from my freshmen Belle & Sebastian and the New much more. Below, The Carl explores but a few of ¡Tú dirás!’s poet- ject, discussing abstinence only educa- year. If you’ve ever tried to imagine the ic offerings. tion, sodomy laws or Bill Clinton, but it most awkward moment between you Pornographers playing...TOGETHER is tacitly understood that my mother and your mother, this is it. does not want to know anything about "Where did you find this?" A. my sex life. I can’t even talk to her about "I just googled your name and this tampons. guy Chaz’s website came up…" Poem I created a vision in my All this made it awkward when she I kept reading: selections called me into her room one night to ask mind of her naked body laying next to me. Belle & Sebastian and the New me something. She was sitting anxious- Another vision of me climbing on top of her. Pornographers playing...TOGETHER... and ly at her computer with an expression Finally a vision of me poking my dick inside the night before finals critical on her face like she was about to tell me her warm twat. I wanted to mention I analysis I was adopted. would never date someone who used by "I was just wondering," she started. the word twat but that seemed to be Greg "Did anyone you date in high school beside the point. After several more end up going gay?" uneventful visions of her, I gave up. Not of Hunter* In my family, both extended and jacking off, but I gave up trying to do so Sucka [sic] M.C.s immediate, the idea that I am not a les- with a girl in mind. Still fisting my six bian is an absolute impossibility. In their inches, my mind drifted to Brad once again. minds, listening to Ani DiFranco and The entry went on, but my name- being on your high school’s debate team sake’s cameo was over so I assured my makes you gayer than Elton John. So, at mother again that I had never dated first I assumed that this was just anoth- "Chaz" and proceeded to lock myself in er ploy to get me out of the closet. Then my room. After the first waves of utter Skiing-only trails in the Arb I wondered, horrified, if my mother was mortification passed. I reflected that, * Credit to somehow better informed than me. however humiliating my experience Jason Offended and confused, I told her no was, somewhere in the world there was Pipkin for the and asked her why she would think another Katie Berringer whose mother C. Here, the poet does what Hemingway initial that. may have asked her, "Did any ex- failed to do with "A Clean, Well-Lighted discovery "I don’t know, I was just wonder- boyfriend of yours try to jack off envi- Drivers who don’t respect the integrity of Place". An uncompromising portrayal of of ¡Tú dirás! ing…" sioning your warm twat and fail?" And men confined by their surroundings (and crosswalks: RESPECT THE INTEGRITY found "Why would you just wonder that?" this Katie, wherever she was, had to by their own demons), deserving of poems "I was just online and…" answer yes. And that, I think, is the real OF CROSSWALKS redemption but without the means or the I looked over her shoulder and read tragedy here. will, resigned to alcoholism and self- deception. As if they were ever given But BE CAREFUL: roughly one in every A. Overtly spiritual, and ardently so, but another option. Never has "place" meant The Carl’s Recreation five turns, the robot will gain self-aware- without a trace of condescension. A reminder so much, yet so little. Yet so much. ness after a short in its circuitry and to those who believe that the presence of the and Futurism attempt to kill your son or daughter. Holy Spirit is not limited to designated Christian holidays (a misapprehension held, B. A stark depiction of a life lived in isolation, from a loveless child- Department presents: tragically, by too many, according to the poet). Genetically-Modified Apples To hood to an adulthood composed of material comforts and an ulti- The poet avoids now-clichéd critiques of Genetically-Modified Apples [2054] – mately meaningless accumulation of prestige. "To walk/at materialism, concerned more with his still- Basically the same classic word-associa- night/after"? Yes—and alone. Indeed, all men become their fathers. F. Board Games tion game, adjusted for a time when present sense of awe (through which we are organically grown fruits and vegetables all redeemed). have been marginalized by Big Science. F. A contemporary DON’T THINK IT ISN’T COMING. usage of the ancient of the Future D. A jaded reminder of the ever- E. Greek idea of present division between Google Monopoly [2008] – In the future, "deinos" (a term D. America’s "have’s" and "have- by Greg Hunter and Dan Sugarman redundancy is HILARIOUS! expressive of objects not’s". The poem’s air of detach- which inspire both ment is essential in helping to Internet Chess [2013]- The timeless game fear and awe from articulate, without a hint of sen- We’re deep into a Minnesota winter, and of strategy, played in an entirely new the magnitude of timentality, the poet’s indictment for many that means trying to avoid step- arena: ONLINE.