275. – PART ONE 275. Clifford (1994) Okay, here’s the deal: I don’t know you, you don’t know me, but if you are anywhere near a television right now I need you to stop whatever it is that you’re doing and go watch “Clifford” on HBO Max. This is another film that has a 10% score on Rotten Tomatoes which just leads me to believe that all of the critics who were popular in the nineties didn’t have a single shred of humor in any of their non-existent funny bones. I loved this movie when I was seven, and I love it even more when I’m thirty-three. It’s genius. Martin Short (who at the time was forty-four) plays a ten-year-old hyperactive nightmare child from hell. I mean it, this kid might actually be the devil. He is straight up evil, conniving, manipulative and all-told probably causes no less than ten million dollars-worth of property damage. And, again, the plot is so simple – he just wants to go to Dinosaur World. There are so many comedy films with such complicated plots and motivations for their characters, but the simplistic genius of “Clifford” is just this – all this kid wants on the entire planet is to go to Dinosaur World. That’s it. The movie starts with him and his parents on an plane to Hawaii for a business trip, and Clifford knows that Dinosaur Land is in Los Angeles, therefore he causes so much of a ruckus that the plane has to make an emergency landing. (continued on next page) 275. – PART TWO 275. Clifford (1994) (Cont’d) Clifford is now banned from the flight, so his parents leave him with his hot-shot architect uncle (played by greatest straight-man ever, Charles Grodin) who uses this opportunity to show his girlfriend (the always wonderful Mary Steenburgen) that he is good with kids. Long story short, Clifford unleashes hell unto his uncle along with his sidekick and imaginary friend played by his toy dinosaur, Stephen. The way he clings to Stephen and talks with him while getting into all sorts of dangerous hijinks is the real gold in this film. Although I don’t really care to go to Dinosaur World (the set design of which is fantastic), if I did have any one true wish for the year 2020, it would be for us all to stop what we are doing (all of us) and just talk about “Clifford.” Memorable Quote: “And when I got back there were bikers here. And they tied me up, Uncle Martin, and then they told me stories that they do on their bikes. Some of them were fun but some of them were scary!” Rating: 4/5 Unicorns 274. – PART ONE 274. Funny Farm (1988) If you’re reading this and wondering why this movie is so far up on the list, the real reason is that I was looking for an excuse to get rid of “Dude Where’s My Car?” and remembered that I hadn’t put “Funny Farm” on here yet, so here we are. I’m most sad about removing “Dude Where’s My Car?” purely because it paid homage to Hal Sparks (for you kiddos who don’t know, Hal Sparks was Ray William Johnson before Ray William Johnson was a thing,) but either way, I am happy to sacrifice that movie for this one, no problem. I love “Funny Farm,” it’s one of my favorite Chevy Chase films (but not my top favorite) and again, the premise is simple – a couple swaps the hustle and bustle of city life for a home out in the country and they couldn’t be more unprepared. “Funny Farm” was the last film ever directed by the awesome George Roy Hill who also helmed Best Picture Winner “The Sting” as well as the other Redford/Newman classic, “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.” He also directed the fantastic “The World According to Garp,” which some might count as a comedy, but I find a little too dramatic to include on the list. Mostly due to how it all ends. But that film is one of my favorite lesser-known Robin Williams films and John Lithgow plays a character in it which could not possibly be more ahead of its time. (continued on next page) 274. – PART TWO 274. Funny Farm (1988) Getting back to “Funny Farm,” it’s full of hijinks and that dry but sarcastic Chevy Chase wit that we all know and love. I think someone should come up with a word like “auteur” but for comedians. Because Chevy Chase would absolutely fall under that category. Pretty much in the same way that Chevy Chase and Dennis Miller are both comedians, but Chevy Chase is able to recreate a continued method and character onscreen that is indicative of his personality as a whole, but Dennis Miller is more of a “real-world” personality who cannot really create a character in any kind of narrative feature or carry a whole film by himself. Kind of like the difference between a director and an auteur. There are comedians and then there are… hold on I’m trying to invent a word… okay, I’ve got it: a magnetic humorist*. I’ll define this term on the next page. Chevy Chase is a magnetic humorist and that’s what makes him a movie star. If you haven’t seen “Funny Farm” yet it’s on HBO Max, so go ahead and curl up with Yellow Dog, order yourself another round of lamb fries and put it on the list. Memorable Quotes: “This ain’t a bridge. It’s termite’s holding hands.” Rating: 4/5 Unicorns WHAT IS A MAGNETIC HUMORIST? Okay, so I was thinking about it and I can describe a magnetic humorist as this: a comedian whose own living personality so closely resembles their on-screen persona that the humorous situations attract themselves naturally. Examples: Rodney Dangerfield, Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, Martin Short, Billy Crystal, Diane Keaton, Richard Pryor 273. 273. Black Sheep (1996) Now, I bet you think right now is a good time for me to start talking about the majesty of Chris Farley, and while both he and David Spade are just about as majestic as it gets, what I instead will be talking about is that this film was directed by Penelope Spheeris. She’s going to pop back up again down on the list, but I need to take this opportunity to let you know that Penelope Spheeris is a person, and she is one of the coolest, most badass female directors to ever walk this planet. Pretty much all of her projects are either music or comedy based, but she has been making documentaries and short films about Megadeth and Chuck D since the early nineties. She co- wrote and directed the 1994 “Little Rascals” remake, a film which I love even though it is not included on this list, and she is responsible for directing one of, what I believe, is the greatest comedic films ever made (not going to spoil it just yet.) So next Oscar season if anyone dares start whining and complaining about a lack of inclusion and the need for more female filmmakers, my stance is this: how about we talk more about Penelope Spheeris? Why do I love “Black Sheep”? Because Gary Busey is perfect, Christine Ebersole makes a great bad guy, Tim Matheson is Tim Matheson, any road trip film with David Spade and Chris Farley is comedy gold and this is pretty much the only movie ever where Grant Heslov had a chance to shine. Memorable Quote: “Kill whitey!” Rating: 3/5 Unicorns 272. 272. Joe Dirt (2001) If Joe Dirt were a real person, well, he’d be my friend Johnny Stewart. But since no one is paying me to do anything yet (STILL!) …yet, I will instead relegate myself to watching the oft-hilarious and altogether memorable David Spade-starrer “Joe Dirt.” If anything, I think I appreciate this movie because it shows the first time David Spade really stepped out of his comfort zone and played a different character from the typical stuck-up suits he was known for playing in the nineties. This movie probably opened him up to a whole new fan base, and I appreciate the moxie and the risk that it took to do something that he, at the time, was not quite used to doing on the big screen. Joe Dirt just wants to find his parents, he loves Brandy (who doesn’t?), and Kid Rock plays the big bully bad guy. I’m satisfied. Memorable Quote: “That’s a space peanut.” Rating: 2.5/5 Unicorns 271. 271. Dogma (1999) “Dogma” might very well be my favorite Kevin Smith movie. I love “Zack and Miri Make a Porno” and I even have a soft spot for “Jersey Girl,” but the philosophical discussions in “Dogma” paired with the continual bickering of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon just touches on all of the right spots. Take into account another, dynamite, banger cast, and this film has everything a girl could ever want from a sacrilegious end-of-times adventure flick. I mean, aside from wonder duo Affleck and Damon, you also have Chris Rock, Salma Hayek, Alan Rickman (it still saddens me that he’s gone), George freaking Carlin playing a Catholic priest, Bud Cort, Jason Lee, Jeanine Garofalo, and to top it all off, Alanis Morrissette plays God because of course Alanis Morrissette is God – duh.