THE OFFICIAL PARTICIPANT'S GUIDE MANUEL DU PARTICIPANT OFFIZIELLES HANDBUCH FÙR DEN TEILNEHMER THE OFFICIAL PARTICIPANT'S GUIDE MANUEL DU PARTICIPANT OFFIZIELLES HANDBUCH FÛR DEN TEILNEHMER English .......................... page 3 Français Page 17 Deutsch Seite 31 e Ei(xos 198a -l- THE OFFICIAL PARTICIPANT'S GUIDE (for ofilclal paniciPants only) Edtled by tho G.P.S.D.C. (Gen€ral Purpl€ Salum Day Committoô) sAruBN.09/13/122 OFFICIAL STAMP: $N$ ,'ffi.,.Ëi'* -3- GRAND PURPTE SATURN DAY CEREMONY SPEECH GIVEN WITH THE BENEDICTION OF DO(OS HIMSEIF, IN PERSON. (By the Purple Saturn Day Prszidenl's bio-editor.) OH EXXOS, it is once mors lhs new year on Saturn, the day of Purple Dawning, Wondsr of Wonders. ATA ATA. OH EXXOS YOU ARE GOOD FOR US. Gazs, Grsat EXXOS, upon the HUMANSfromlh6 BLUE planêt, the BULUL from thê ASTEROX constell, the GoLGOS allthe wayf rom marvellous KLAKOS. Look, OHEXXOS, upon proud CROOLIS warriorsfrom anci€nt MASTOCHOK, lha SHAAXA refugess and f inally, smilê fondly upon your friends the KUMO lrom CORPO WW. All have comeforyou, OH EXXOS, andtorthê Pangalactic gamss we hold sach and every Purplê Saturn Day. This y€ar, four supsrb comp€titions havs bêsn randomly selectorized by EXXOS, HIMSELF, PERSONALLY: THE RING PURSUIT. THE TIME JUMP. THE TRONIC SLIDER AND BRAIN BOWLER. Dear lrjends, let us with one voicê heap lhanks on EXXOS: ATA ATA HOGLO HULU ATA ATA HOGLO HULU HAM TOT ZOGLO HULU HULU HAM TOT ZOGLO HULU HULU -4- ATA ATA HOGLO HULU ATA ATA HOGLO HULU ER TOT ZAGLO HULU HULU ER TOT ZAGLO HULU HULU Committes Prezidenl's bio-oditor. -5- HATS OFF TO HANZ MORTOK (Foundar of Purple saturn Day) HANZ MORLOK: Human sci€ntislbom on Êarlh circa A.D. 1950. Currently invegetized survival slalus in Switzsrlând. (Visitors are wslcome lo discuss inloresting topics wilh one ol sevsral lhousand Morlokclones atthe SATURN INSTITUTE in N.N.N.Y. City, Mars.) Renowned int€rgalaclic allernativs medicine experl, H. Morlok lett an indolible mark on Space Conquêsl Phass 2, also known as the 'Great Second Phaze of Inlerslellar Conquest". Political shadowboxsr, pizza playmals, crooner, inventor of nole and notorious cocktail-sêt Cazanova, Hanz Morlok was also uncle to General Roberl "Snarling Bob" Morlok, better-known as Blood, first husband to Torka Blood. The Morlok family chromosom€s wsre classif i€d Gold€n Genes of the Universe in 2002, terrsstriâl EXXOS dating, by Kommandant Lung, also at presenl in a vegetized state ot ongoing survival in Switzerland. -6- PRACTICAT RECIPES (by Hanz Morlok's bio-€ditor) Thê great sporting encounlers lhat make up Purpl€ Salurn Day lêavg our bodiês and minds so drained, don't thay! Well, why nol lry lh€ following easy recipss from Doclor Hanz Morlok's acclairned blockbusting b€stssllêr,'MY ATTERNATIVE MEDICAL INSIDE SECRETS FROM ACROSSTHE AGES". publis- hed in thê hardhitting series, "l CAN FEEL EXXOS DOING ME GOOD". * A PAIN TRANSMUTEB: This fun rocip€ is guarantesd to solve all your slomach scale Pruritus probl€ms! Millions of tighter pilots hav€ known this itchy horror, caused by laserfire "dribble". Here's what you do. Grab a big juicy Putrex Vomicus quince, preferably lroma Turpos 17 recycling pharm. Place itgentlyin yourwardrobe. Alter a few days, the quince will be covered in wrilhing yuks. They love lruitl Put one ol the writhing yuks in a littlo metalbox with lols ol air-holss, so thal brsathing rsmains a viabl€ primary lile-support option. (Aftsr all, even writhing yuks hat€ bsing not alive any more!) As soon as your scal€s starl itching like crazy, just rsmov€ lhs wrilhing yuk lrom his box and slip ths wriggly tellow in between two inllam€d scales. You'll bs dslighted with tho resulls! Copyright 'l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME' publications. * NEW PRAYER PARTICLES: 'PRAYONS" Thanks lo ths new giga-tolsscop€ LUNA 45, a nsw prayêr pariicle has been d€tectêd. Namâd Prayon, this discoveryshouldconsolidate Lunatox inc. (LUNA 45"s sponsor) as S€Kor 45's leading prayer accsssory manutactursr. And here it is: Ths radio prayêr (as yst untreated by EXXOS prayor sxperts) captursd by LUNA 45 and probably originating fmm ths Cigar Galaxy. Preliminary studiss indicate that a triplô r€pelition just b€lore any major competilion should slow opponenls down by a faclor ol .3. RADIO PRAYEF: Schhh... Schhh... Cnac! Schhh... Schhh... Schhh... Tchi! Tchil Schhh... Schhh... Cnac! Schhh... Schhh... Schhh... Tchi! Tchi! Copyright "l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publications. * II'S GOOD FOB YOU: All your ideas gono? Your brain has turned to sticky garbage? Chances ar6 you'vs been smokingtoo many TROMPtails!Why nol think of EXXOS? EXXOS is good for you! Copyright "l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME' publications. -ô- * OINTMENTUS METEORIS: Goodbys bumps and brulsêsl A soothing crsam lo chass thoso msleorits-showor blues: RECIPE: Choose a plump STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLooK (that's a variable unil ot measuremsntlormsrly €mployed on rubberplantations). With a carefully selected EXXOS fsalher, makê an incision in ths throat of a prepared MIGRAX (prepare him by buying him largs quantities ot booze in a lowlits gin-joint). Us€ the l€ather to sprsad a few drops of green MIGRAX blood over ths STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLOOK. Thsn say aloud thê lollowing incantation, translalod from TROOMA dialsct to invoke ths metsor God of System lCC86: HOOLA HOOLA HOOP THIS IS THE RIGHT BITE FOR THE METEORITE HOOP AND HOOLA. YES BOSS. 0sP€al) N€xt, soak th€ STYLE-CONSCIOUS GLOOK in ussd engine oil. Bringtoths boil. Pour into a bowl containing largs numb€rs of WRITHING YUKS. Rub the rosulling olntmenl ovêr your entirs body. Now, motaoril€s, comê mako my dayl IMPORTANT: Thls pmduct is inoperalive in the casê ol incandescent meleorit€s. To protect yourself against bums, see "YESTERDAY WAS A HOT ONE, TODAYS A COLD ONE". Copyright "l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publications. -9- * ASK HIM: Hêre's a wonderlully soolhing mind-massag€ technique, called 'ASK HlM". HIM is thê lsader ol th6 THEM. The THEM are partly us. HIM knows everything. With HlM, evorylhing becomes clear at last: why we?e herê, what happ€ns atterwards, tho truth about llying saucers etc. RECIPE: First stop reading. Now count to 100 in a loud, clear and Positive voice: one, two, three, lour.,. Go back tothêbêginning of this OFFICIAL PARTICIPANTS'GUIDE lor oflicial participanls only. Editsd by the G.P.S. etc... You should bê rêady now, yourmindempty of all malorial dêsires and intruding thoughl modules. Brsathê. Killthoso lights. Now l'm going lo count to three. When I say "3", you slars relaxsdly at lhat nice picturo on the tacing page. Concsntrate real hard on th€ csnler of the nic€ picture. Ready? Here I go: one, two, two and thirt€€n s€venteenlhs, three. Slars! | Thsre! | told you it would work! Now you lael happy, in control ol your corporsal body. Your astral eyes keeP r€ading as your physical syes stare at lhe magic picturo. You lsel so wonderful now. Thê doors ot your inner mind oPen lo receive ths thrilling socret: THRILLING SECRET: I am HIM! Ypu com€ to with a srart. èweat spurtsfrom many of your pores. You breaths in amannêrknown to doctors as hmmm. Andyel you areconvinced nothing has happ€ned. Or has il? Don'l ask me, ask HIM! Copyright "l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publicalions. r0- - l1- {< YESTERDAY WAS A HOT ONE, TODAY'S A COLD ONE A sur€-fire incanlation against burnscaussd by cosmic radialion, lava "dribblo', ths CROOLIS roproduction dancs and ths advanced Tyrolvêrsion of "A GOOD'UN FBOM THE GIPPER': ATCH AH AH ATCH ooM oTo oTo (spit thricê upon ground) Bênêath hêr Spanish crocodilla, She rolls a joalous flaming 6yê, I dancê the militar quadrilla, and swear to lov€ h€r till I die. oté (stamp lstt loot twi{:€ upon spit on ground). Easy as pie, wsr€n't itl Copyrighl "l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publications. * A GOOD'UN FROM THE GIPPER IF YOU SUFFER FROM HARD CHAIRS Take off yourshirl and pants. Boil a big lub of humidified water. Take your space-ship's sêat apart and soak it lor 12 hours in lhe lub. K€ep the water on lhe boil as you jump in the tub, singing: "Salt tears are streaming trom my gyss..." - tz- * ALTERNATIVE ADVANCED TYROL VERSION: This is basically similarlothe originalTyrolversion of "AGOOD'UN FROM THE GIPPER". Just use boiling sump oil Instead of water. Th€ song now oecomes: "Tw€et tweel mv sweêtie. 'lis but 1..." etc. Copyright 'l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publications. * A GOOO'UN FOR INTERGALACTIC VERTIGO: The sickening vacuum of deep space, we've all suffered from it, havent ws? Thal têll-tale vomit stain reveals lhe lrulh about those timelêss moments ot intergalactic horror when your mind wanders ofl into torbidden and ussless mstaphysical specu lations, when you can't resist the temptalion to light up a TROMP tail. THIS lS FOR YOU: Mince som6 ussd ch6wing-gum, mouldy sock powder, nasal scrapings and garlic all logethsr and mix thesê into a pound ol ground tslephonês. Add bat droppings, chilli powd€r and a zosl ot concentrat€d body dampnsss. Knsad thê mixture unlil il is an oozing yellow dough. Divid€ inlo reptils-sized balls, dip into thoroughly-beaten toad-spawn and lry slowly in dsep, smoking bug juice. Serue with savoury rats and docomposed vsgelable saucs. You've lorgotlen all about tolal vacuum and out€r spacs fatigus, haven't you? How about anolher sickball? Look at lhis one, jusl dying to bs gobblêd upl ll's winking at you! Copyright 'l KNOW EXXOS lS GOOD FOR ME" publicalions.