. The DAILY RAG Volume o Number 0 seiVing absolutely no one. March 32, 1971 Beef Slovak seizes• SBP office In a move unprecedented in "The Beef Slovak Memorial developed when newly-elected Notre Dame Student Government Library." SBP John Barkett came to oc­ History, National Student Slovak said he intends to bring cupy the executive office on the Association Coordinator Beef the deposed SBP and SBVP to third floor of LaFortune Student Slovak staged a bloody coup last trial "in a totally democratic Center. night and seized the office of way." He also said that bail was Slovak refused at first to Student Body President from being denied the two leaders. evacuate the office, expressing SBP Dave Krashna. As he was being removed from surprise. "It was Krashna's last The coup raised spectres of a his office for the last time, day'? I though he had another ·total Civil War on Campus this Krashna was heard to declare, year to go!" week. ''Et tu, Slovak'?" Barkett refused to remove The action, totally unexpected Slovak replied with what has Slovak forcibly, saying, "After since yesterday was the last of become the laamg slogan of his careful investigation, we have Krashna 's term of office, was one-day-old administration, "Off discovered that the state of In­ carried out in total secrecy the people! Power to the Pigs! diana does not have a crane before some two to three hundred oink, oink!" strong enough to lift Beef." Upon what seemed sober Barkett withdrew to spectators and drooling office-­ Beef Slovak standing with co-conspirator know only as Ralph prior to seekers. reflection, however, he added in Morrissey Hall to await the Krashna and his vice­ perfect Latin, "Ipso facto, Coup results of a recount of last the SBP coup. president, Mark Winings, were ce grace, savoir faire, et cum month's SBP elections. Slovak plannmg counter-coups. Devils against Poilice last seen being carried to spititu tuo." suggested that a recount might Tom Thrasher, heading a Authority), and . AUNT (Allied Slovak's tower-prison-for­ Latin scholars have refused to show himself to be the winner in a group known only as Students for United Network fighting political-enemies. The location is reveal the source of that oar­ close race. Thra-sher-Murray, reportedly is Totalitarianism,) have joined secret but several passers-by ticular eulog:r to Krashna 's ad- In the small hours of the demanding a recount of last forces to oppose McAleer. reported it was on the 14th floor of mmistration. morning, at least three secret year's SBP race as the price for Neither were available for the structure soon to be named At 12:01 this morning, trouble societies were rumored to be his support of the Slovak junta. comment on this possiblity. Frank McAleer, Flanner Hall As this paper went to press, the Senator and local power broker, Student Government offices were released a statement to the effect still held by Slovak and his "Beef Burpchaell named cosmic deity; that he would move against the Trust." Armed personnel Student Government Offices carriers were Ireported on the today. "If necessary," stated North Quad . and ROTC cadets takes over post of Trinity McAleer, "I will call an aerial were arming themselves with attack on my own position in rocks and spears on the South by Animal Trainer order to capture LaFortune." Quad. For further reports from Two other groups, GRANDPA the armed camps, see page 21. The Universe's Board of <Glorious Rascals and Nastv Trustees last night announced the elevation of University of Notre Dame provost Reverend James Vatican Announcement T. Burpchaell to the post of Cosmic Diety. Burtchaell suc­ ceeds the Holy Trinity. "We needed three of them, but only one of him," Universe Board Ardvarkson bishop of Trustees President J. Almond Stuffhole said in a statement to · By Ahi Priest the general rabble. "He's sort of Vatican City-In a surprise Miss Ardvarkson, who was a trio all in himself." move today the Pope appointed contacted in McSorley's Bar in Burpt::haell's first public act Tea Grease Ardvarkson, noted New York City, expressed her upon elevation was to suspend St. women's liberationist, Bishop of delight with the Pope's action. Peter and the Holy Ghost from the South Bend-Fort Wayne The American woman, who is the cosmos. According to Burt­ diocese. She is the first female looked down upon and despised chaell. the two were "clear and Bishop to be appointed in the throughout the country qualifies present dangers to the Univer­ Cosmic deity James Burpchaell in a down to earth moment. history of the Catholic Church. as a downtrodden minority. For se." The Pope's press secretary, this reason the appointment of "This will bP a community of Cardinal Theodore M. Her­ Miss Ardvarskon will have a scholars.'' Burpchaell explained shenberger, read· the an­ major impact on the Church's "and I heard that those two guys ~ouncement to a waiting crowd of relations with the sisters of Eve," weren't studying." eight reporters and seven the statement said. When asked to comment about Priceisright resigns drunken Italians who were 'I was expecting the !$?01/8 % the appointment itself, Burp­ singing 'The Eyes ·of Texas are to do it but I didn't think an old chaell said that "it'll be nice for a upon you.' ! +-&'?% like him would move while, but I don't intend to as ND feed director The pope cited Miss Ard­ as fast as he did. I just filed my stagnate here." Burpchaell also varkson's action in furthering application a week ago,' she said. complained that the appointment by Bill Yus Spell ecumenical understanding in Miss Ardvarkson said that the might. "interfere with my recent speeches around the reason for her application was Academic life." He did say, 'll b hl' d country and her staunch defense Ughwad Priceisright, feed Th e event WI e hig Ighte by a of traditional Catholic doctrine. that she hoped to move the however. that he would ap­ services director, presented a catered luncheon for ad- Church back to the traditionalist preciate the opportunity "to tell letter of resignation to University ministration ofYfciafs. 'Miss Ardvarkson's work in stance that it had abandoned in Martin Buber where to go if I bringing the message of Christ to Provost Jamey Burpchaell Fr. Duck is considered a "very the lost sheep in the United States the search for a largely nebulous want to." yesterday saying he could no value known as 'relevancy .. ' Burpchaell announced that St. capable" replacement, ac- and her defense of the Catholic longer serve in good conscience cording to Fr. Burpchaell. 'He doctrine, as taught by every 'I think the Pope should send all l'eter would be replaced by as director. the liberal Bishops a former Notre Dame Dean of Men visits the dining halls regularly cleric over seventy,' the He cited a provision in his and is "well aware of ! + '? &'? &'? &'? + letter telling them Fr. James Unreal. "Unreal's contract requiring the director to statement read, 'is important to all 7fs '? &-% + off. If he would tough," Burpchaell said in the bellyaching that goes on over enough to warrant her being eat the same stuff served to the the feed services. Tile new appointed to this most delicate provide the right kind of def€nse of the appointment, students, with the students at leadership the Church could get "wp've been admitting too many director dines three times a day and sensitive post.' least once a month as an act of in the pay cafeteria with several Though Miss Ardvarkson is a the : + ! % ( out of its $&0 and get specimen who are just not up to faith in the product. "I consider rid of all this relevant %?is-!-. As snuff up ''here, and I look to employees. Fr. Duck is kept up to woman,' the statement con­ this a violation of federal truth in date on employee-employer tinued, 'we believe. that her Bishop of Ft. Wayne and South Unreal to clamp down on them." advertising laws and I can no Bend I will work towards this When asked to be specific, relations by these people but the shining qualities in defending our longer continue ~ do so in good steadily increasing level of sick teaching more than cancel out end,' she claimed. ,Burpchaell complained that conscience," Priceisright said. Miss Ardvarkson plans to there were too many "dummys, leave has limited his soun.:e::; lv d her sin of being a descendant of The former director admitted few . the temptress Eve.' assume office 'just as soon as I drug-freaks, and darkies," in the later that afternoon that his slopslinge~s. Fr. Duck Immediate!~ an- The Pope said he hoped that can get my -&+! ( on a jet Elysian surroundings that will health, which has been failing for there.' Her first moves will be to house the new diety. "All they do nounced ~everal changes m the this move would help the Church several years, played a major feed services department. They to effectively communicate with reinstitute the Latin Mass, expel is complain," complained role in his decision. all the priests who term them­ Burtchaell. At high noon today, Fr. Burp­ are: women in the United States. selves progressive and liberate When contacted, Unreal ex- . 1) Roast duck at least one "Th Ch h h b k' chaell (and he really is ·the Sunday !'1 month. These ducks e urc as een rna mg all nuns. She also has plans to pressed unrestrained joy at the Provost and doesn't mind telling will be supplied by the new greater attempts recently to annex Notre Dame to the diocese appointment.