SOUTH PARK "P.E.N.I.S Challenge" BY Tino Gonzalez-Kakouris ACT I INT. LOCAL BAR. The South Park men are crowding around Stephen Stotch watching a video of Butters on his phone. BUTTERS WELL, HELLO EVERYBODY. MY NAME IS BUTTERS AND I HAVE BEEN NOMINATED BY MY DAD TO TAKE THE ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE. ALS IS A JUST A, WELL IT’S A JUST TERRIBLE DISEASE AND I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE AND THEIR FAMILIES. Cut to the men at the bar. JIMBO Wow, that’s great your son is such an activist Stephen. STEPHEN Well that’s my Butters. He’s really taken an interest in this charity. Back to video on youtube. BUTTERS And I’d like to nominate my very best friends for the challenge: Stan Marsh, Kyle Broflovski and Eric Cartman. You have 24 hours to take the challenge. Butters lifts up a bucket of ice water and raises it over his head. A little water splashes on his head. BUTTERS Oh my! That water is really, really cold! Does the water need to have this much ice? STEPHEN Butters, quit being a little bitch and dump the bucket of ice water over your head. Randy walks over to the men watching the video. 2. RANDY Hey, what are you guys watching? GERALD Little Butters is doing the Ice Bucket challenge. RANDY Ice bucket challenge? Wh-what is that? STEPHEN It’s an internet challenge to raise awareness and donations for ALS. RANDY (under his breath) What the fuck is ALS? Back to video. BUTTERS But I don’t wanna. It’s too cold and will make my head hurt. STEPHEN Oh real nice Butters. So you don’t want to save thousands of lives because you’re afraid to get your head cold? BUTTERS I want to help, but can’t I just donate money to the charity instead? STEPHEN Butters! You pour that bucket of ice water over your head right now, or you are grounded Mister. BUTTERS Oh hamburgers. (Pours bucket of ice) Owee! Ouch it hurts! My head is frozen. Ahhhh the pain! (sobs) I can’t feel my head! I’m numb, numb all over! Back to bar. GERALD Wow, good for him! 3. STEPHEN That’s my Butters! MR. TESTABURGER That’s some inspiring stuff. RANDY (Confused) So how does pouring a bucket of ice water over your head cure a disease? MR. MACKEY It’s not about curing the disease, but spreading awareness m’kay? ALS is um, bad. M’kay? STEPHEN The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was started by using YouTube to get celebrities and people everywhere spreading the message of ALS to get people to donate. GERALD If someone accepts and completes the challenge they can then nominate others to dump ice water on their own head and donate to the ALS foundation. RANDY Oh, is that right? INT. SCHOOL CAFETERIA. CARTMAN Oh my God, you guys. The VMA’s were so lame! It was just a bunch of nobodies trying to be famous by wearing the least amount of clothing. CRAIG Did you see that Kanye West announced he’s running for president? CARTMAN Ugh, that is so stupid. First of all, why did the pussy say he’s waiting to run for office in 2020? He obviously knows Donald Trump would beat his ass. 4. KYLE Donald Trump is... CARTMAN (Interrupting) And secondly, Kyle, Kanye would never win because the U.S. will never allow a black man to be president. TOKEN Then what do you call President Obama? CARTMAN Jesus, Token. We’ve been through this before: Barack Obama is only half black, so he’s not as intimidating as a full on black. You think they’d allow a full black guy in the white house? KYLE What? CARTMAN It’s true. His mother is some white chick from Kansas. So, sorry to break your balls Token, but whites win again. KYLE That is the most racist thing I’ve ever heard. CARTMAN Oh, what Kyle? You want butthole Kanye West to be our president? KYLE No. I think he is an arrogant idiot who’s only trying to gain more fame by being a retard. Neither him nor Donald Trump should be considered. Trump is just a washed up racist billionaire who’s bored and wants to take a shot at winning the election. CARTMAN Donald Trump is an American icon and legend. His white Christian values are something to be inspired by and best of all he wants to send (MORE) 5. CARTMAN (cont’d) all those no good dirty Mexicans back across the border. KYLE God damnit Cartman! Butters walks up to the table with his lunch. BUTTERS Well, hey there fellas. You guys ready for the challenge? CARTMAN What are you talking about gaywad? BUTTERS The Ice Bucket Challenge. I nominated you, Kyle and Stan. CARTMAN The Ice what challenge? STAN Oh, no. I’m not getting into that crap. BUTTERS It’s this thing you do where you pour a bucket of ice water over your head to save people from ALS. STAN Pouring a bucket of ice over your head doesn’t save lives, Butters. It just makes you an asshole. CRAIG If someone nominates you, you have to do the challenge. STAN Shut up Craig! CARTMAN Yeah, shut your fucking mouth Craig. So let me get this straight: people are doing stupid things on the internet to make themselves look like idiots AND giving money away to charities? 6. KYLE It’s supposed to raise awareness and get people to donate, fat ass. CARTMAN Don’t lecture me on donating, Kyle. We all know jews are money hungry selfish thieves who hoard their money like greedy little squirrels. Jews don’t give their money away to charity because they have no hearts and don’t care about anyone else but themselves. STAN Lay off of him dude. CARTMAN No? Don’t think I’m right? Then why haven’t you donated to this ASL charity yet, Kyle? KYLE Because I think it’s stupid to dump ice over my head. CARTMAN Because you’re a greedy little jew squirrel with no heart! KYLE God damnit Cartman! BUTTERS ALS is a great charity to donate to fellas. You should consider the challenge. CARTMAN Well since I’m not a thieving jew I’ll accept your challenge Butters and happily donate, but you have to help me with something first. BUTTERS Sure, what is it Eric? CARTMAN No time to explain now. Meet me at my house after school. Gentlemen, jew. EXT SCHOOL YARD 7. Everyone around South Park is catching word of the Ice Bucket challenge and nominating others to partake in the trend. MR. MACKEY This is going to be pretty cold, M’kay, but I’d like to nominate Mr. Garrison to do the Ice Bucket Challenge to eliminate ALS, M’kay. (Pours bucket) Oh boy! That’s cold. M’kay, someone get me a towel. Mr. Mackey dumps the ice water over his head and the scenes to follow repeat the steps. MR. GARRISON My name is Herbert Garrison and I’d like to nominate Mr. Slave to complete the Ice Bucket Challenge. MR. SLAVE Oh Jesus, I’ve been nominated to take the Ice Bucket challenge and I’m nominating Towelie. (Pours bucket) Oh Jesus, Jesus Christ! TOWELIE Hi I’m Towelie and, and I’m super high. There’s a bucket of water here and I think I’m supposed to do something with it. Hey, maybe if I get more high I can remember! (smokes weed) Hey, I have an idea! What if we pour this water on a cute little gremlin? GREMLIN (Here we see a gremlin from the 80s movie talking cute gibberish. The gremlin then pours a bucket of water on itself to take the ALS challenge but turns into an evil Gremlin and attacks the person videotaping the challenge, kills him and runs away). EXT SOUTH PARK POND Kyle, Kenny and Stan are walking to the pond to test out their new remote control speedboats, but are caught by a surprise. 8. KYLE Dude, I can’t believe you got the new Speed Ripper 3000! They’re sold out everywhere. STAN Yeah, apparently my parents ordered it off Amazon the day it came out to arrive for my birthday. KENNY (muffled speech) I heard these things kick ass. KYLE Yeah, I heard it gets up to 30 miles per hour. STAN Dude... What the hell? The boys arrive to the pond to see that it is drained and bare of all water leaving dead fish as a result. KYLE What happened? Where’s all the water? KENNY (Muffled speech) When did this happen? STAN I don’t know dude, I came here a few weeks ago to go fishing with my dad. KYLE The poor animals, they’re dying. UNKNOWN "Hukaaaaah, hukaaaaaah!" The boys hear a strange sound in the distance. KENNY (Muffled speech) What the fuck is that? KYLE It’s coming from over there. 9. UNKNOWN "Hukaaaaaaaaah!Huk-aaaaaaaaaahh!" STAN Oh, no. AL GORE "Hukaaaaaah!" Boys! Be careful, he might be lurking around. KENNY (Muffled speech) Who’s lurking around? AL GORE (Scoffs) Manbearpig, of course! Why do you think the pond here is all dried up? Who do you think is responsible for causing such destruction to the environment? I’ll tell you who: Manbearpig. KYLE What? AL GORE I’m super cereal. Manbearpig is trying to destroy all the humans by causing global warming and he’s only getting stronger! STAN Nope.