PARENTS as Spiritual Guides PARENTS as Spiritual Guides Roberta and Christopher Nelson Unitarian Universalist Association Copyright © 2001 by the Unitarian Universalist Association, 25 Beacon Street, Boston, MA 02108. All rights reserved. Permission is granted to photocopy handouts for use with this curriculum. Printed in Canada. Cover design by Suzanne Morgan Text design by WordCrafters ISBN 1-55896-432-0 10987654321 05 04 03 02 01 We gratefully acknowledge use of the following material: “Hissing” by Tom Owen-Towle, from the collection Generation to Generation: Passing Along the Good Life to Your Children. Reprinted by permission of the author. “L.A.C.” by Rudolph W. Nemser, from the collection Moments of a Springtime: Pieces for Reflection. Reprinted by permission of the author. “Wonders still the world shall witness” by Jacob Trapp. Reprinted by permission of John C. Trapp. To our grandchildren Jack, James and Julia CONTENTS Preface . ix About This Program . xi The Family and Faith Development . 1 Session 1: Group Building . 5 Session 2: Wonder . 17 Session 3: Courage . 23 Session 4: Justice . 27 Session 5: Faith . 31 Session 6: Rituals and Celebrations . 39 Bibliography . 41 PREFACE Parents as Spiritual Guides was created at Star Island lived congruently within our faith tradition under- when we were asked to be theme speakers for the girded by our Principles and sources. Religious Education Conference. We appreciate the As our spiritual life grows and expands our circum- many contributions made by those who have taught stances and interests, it challenges and nurtures us. the course and/or taken it. We hope that the real This all happens in day-to-day living, in the here and beneficiaries have been the families, and especially now. Our task is to open ourselves to what is happen- the children, whose lives have been enriched by the ing and share it with our children. journey. In 10 Principles of Spiritual Parenting, Mimi Doe John Westerhoff in his book Will Our Children and Marsha Walch write that trust and listening add Have Faith? and Joseph Campbell, who was asked magic to ordinary experiences and allow and encour- “Will our children have a spiritual life?” both age dreams, wishes, and hopes. In Something More: answered, “If we do.” Ram Dass in The Only Dance Nurturing Your Child’s Spiritual Growth, Jean Grasso There Is writes, “The only thing we have to offer Fitzpatrick talks of the importance of community as another human being ever is our own state of being.” the place where sacred connections are made, where We cannot take these ideas lightly, but we must not stories are told and remembered, where we gain new be overwhelmed by them. We believe that most par- perspectives of a wider world. ents can be excellent spiritual guides if they take Some of the most spiritual experiences we have some time to honor their own yearnings, wonderings, had in our family have evolved around rituals and and reflections and share them with their children celebrations. They have given meaning to our lives and others. and have provided continuity between the genera- Unitarian Universalists have many definitions and tions. In today’s frantic, frenzied world, rituals are interpretations of the word spiritual, as you will dis- more important than ever. Rituals can help us guide, cover in the first session of this program. We urge you reconcile, and grow. They build bridges between the to honor yours, and in the company of seekers, to past and the future. Our shared story reminds us enrich and enhance your own spiritual growth. Our experience convinces us that children are nat- where we have come from and helps us to see new urally spiritual even if they do not have the language possibilities for our journey ahead. to express it. In an environment of trust, children are In Secrets of Strong Families, John DeFrain and often wide-eyed and full of wonder. Remember walks Nick Stennett reported the results of their research with little children who stop and touch almost any- on families. They found that the primary expression thing along the way; the persistent questions of why of families’ spiritual dimension is in everyday life. and how; the natural curiosity about “Where did I These families literally practice what they preach. come from?” and “How does it work?”; the wonder- They believe that the challenges and trials of life are ings about the tides and stars, life and death. Like so bearable and surmountable because of their spiritual many things, spirituality is “caught as well as taught.” resources. They feel they need the spiritual dimen- Abraham Heschel reminds us, “The place to look for sion to give lasting meaning to their lives. spiritual substance is in everyday existence. Even the It is our hope that we will all make a covenant most simple deeds can be full of wonder.” with the children in our lives to be their companions Whatever your definition of spirituality, it cannot and guides on a magnificent journey in which they be esoteric or removed. It needs to be lived in the know the meaning of transcendence—literally “the act every day. Its expression depends on the values that of climbing over”—a process of moving over or going permeate our way of being together. It needs to be beyond real or imagined limits or boundaries. ix ABOUT THIS PROGRAM The Facilitator’s Role strangers as they share new aspects of their lives. Building trust and rapport is an essential compo- A facilitator strives to create a supportive, fair, and nent of every session. It is helpful to invite peo- open environment that encourages participants to ple to share a high or low point of the week at the risk being vulnerable—to experience and share life at beginning of each session or to speak of some- the levels where meaning and conviction grow. No thing personal of which they are proud. magic set of rules exists to make this happen, but we • Pay attention to side conversations that disrupt the offer some suggestions from our experiences. group. Invite those speaking privately to state • Arrange for the meeting space. The importance of their concerns to the group. This is a basic requi- having a comfortable, private meeting space of site for building trust and rapport. appropriate size cannot be overstated. Let people • Strive to prevent an individual or small group from know in advance if room changes are necessary. dominating the conversation. Find out what’s really • Plan to be at all the sessions. If you are co-leading going on. Has the occasion opened the floodgates the group, try to let the participants know in on a topic of great concern? Is someone afraid of advance if one co-facilitator cannot be at a ses- where the discussion may go? Do some individu- sion. Changing leadership involves rebuilding als feel threatened and see no other way to keep the group’s relationships—a process that cannot control? Uncovering a hidden agenda can lead to be circumvented. new understanding. • Know the program’s structure. Having a clear sense • Help the group keep focused. When one or more of what will be addressed in subsequent sessions members often wander away from the topic, the can help you decide whether a topic should be other participants may become frustrated and discussed in depth when it arises or postponed to lose interest. Suggest that one topic be addressed another session. at a time and that the new topic be added to the • Arrange for all materials and supplies to be available agenda for a later time. Be sure to return to that when needed. This helps to create the proper envi- new topic. ronment by avoiding the disruptions of searching • Encourage people to share ideas and experiences. for pencils, paper, or other resources in the middle The group experience is richer and more helpful of a session. when everyone participates. When people do not • Plan to arrive at the meeting room before the group. share, the group stagnates. A non-participating If the facilitator is not there when the group member can sometimes passively control the forms, anxiety arises in participants about group if others become suspicious of that person’s whether a misunderstanding of time or place has silence. But sharing is always an invitation, never occurred or if the facilitator is okay. Making a a demand. commitment to begin and end the sessions on • Guarantee participants the right to pass in a discus- time is another basic element that builds trust. sion. It is important for group rapport and trust • Ask group members to let you know when they will that people do not feel pressured into sharing be late or unable to attend. An unexpected absence more than they feel comfortable or ready to raises concerns and questions that prevent a reveal. group from functioning effectively. • Support group trust by having participants agree to • Help participants get to know one another and to keep personal confidences that have been shared with- develop trust and rapport. Even people who have in the group. People do not like having their sto- known one another a long time may feel like ries retold elsewhere. xi • Listen to the group and encourage clarification. Try Program Supplies to hear the questions behind the ones being • Newsprint posed. Pay attention to new agenda items and • Markers interests. Put-downs or “dumping” on someone’s • Pencils and pens ideas shatter group trust and rapport. •3ϫ 5" index cards • Risk asking tough questions, which can help clarify a • Masking tape confusing issue or generate insight into incongruity.