Welcome to the Gun Show Pissing Around Arctic Monies Nikki Addison contemplates the merits (and Mark Fullerton puts the NRL on blast for Jack Gradwell takes a look at the lucrative muscles) of our potential Bond replacements punch-ups and pee pants prospects far, far north (and far, far south) [1] Headline events: 16 May Research Works Wonders – Live Join the University of Auckland’s big thinkers to 15–26 MAY 2017 find out how their research is playing a part in New Live research events, panel Zealand’s and the world’s discussions, information sessions and future. one-on-one advice sessions to inspire your postgraduate study. 24 May Dislocation in an age Play a part in New Zealand’s future of connection – a panel discussion Are new technologies connecting or disconnecting us? Panel discussion with Associate Professor Jay Marlowe, Law alumna and Young New Zealander of Register to the Year, Rez Gardi, and Associate Professor Luke attend Goode. postgradfestival.ac.nz ISSUE NINE CONTENTS 6 14 NEWS COMMUNITY DEBT OVER THE DITCH SPEAKING UP Oz Goverment gets wet at pros- The state of free speech in pect of Kiwi students’ debt New Zealand 17 18 LIFESTYLE FEATURES INTRODUCING FUN-DAMENTALS OF ALCOHOLLY WRITING A UoA sommelier on the perks Armando Iannucci on writing of pinot gris comedy in the era of Trump 27 33 ARTS COLUMNS CHECK YO’SELF STICKING IT TO THE MAN Anoushka Maharaj on the Caitlin Abley suggests ways importance of minority repre- to flip off the University at sentation in media graduation [3] EDITORIAL Catriona Britton Samantha Gianotti The Name’s Hole, Ass Hole Piers Morgan (full name Piers Stefan Pughe-Mor- for certain is that James Bond movie titles go a hell kin has a real problem with women’s bodies, it gan, which only goes some way to convey what a of a long way towards cataloging Pete Merman’s seems. He put Emily Ratajkowski and Kim Kar- wanker he is), presenter on Good Morning Britain, fuckery. Allow us to demonstrate. dashian on blast for posting a nude selfie togeth- editor for the Mail Online, and certified pissbag, Dr. No (1962, dir. Terrence Young): This latest er in 2016, because if he doesn’t police women’s has once again made a desperate clamour for rel- defence of James Bond’s manhood is not Pears’ bodies then for the love of god, who will? He drew evance with his latest foray into being a giant cunt first rodeo. In 2015, he wrote a piece in full-blown issue with the fact that this display of nudity was on Twitter. In his most recent traversal into twat- support of Roger Moore’s statement that, no, not a feminist act and any women who did think it tish territory, Purse took his fellow men to task: James Bond couldn’t be black, gay, or a woman, might be were gon’ learn today. And again, when @piersmorgan: I'm not convinced by this because, no, that was simply not the character Ian Emma Watson dared to flagrantly display some new trend of male public soul-bearing. Fleming had conceived of back in 1953. Firenze underboob in a photoshoot for Vanity Fair (argu- Time for our gender to get a grip, agreed entirely with Sir Rodge—James Bond was ably the least saucy part of any boob). Any dedi- methinks. Life's tough- man up. only ever intended to be a straight, white man cation Reese’s Pieces might have hoped to fake (Note: we had to scroll through Purrs’ Twitter feed for with a glock in hand. In fact, Piazza conceded that to the feminist agenda was thoroughly squashed nigh on ten minutes to find the original tweet because Roger Moore was his favourite Bond: “a suave, when he discussed Kim Kardashian’s body again of the amount of utter tripe he espouses on a daily ba- smart, sophisticated, eloquent, absurdly charm- on Good Morning Britain earlier this year, after his sis, probably typed while wearing an open silk robe, ing, utterly ruthless assassin who oozed testoster- co-presenter Susanna Reid noted that she thought flagellating himself slowly.) one-fuelled heterosexual pheromones from every untouched photos of KK’s cellulite were some- Twitter users immediately shot back at Piss for his pore.” For a dude who vehemently believes James thing to be celebrated. Gruyere appeared to have flagrant disregard for those struggling with mental Bond should be straight… the portrait he paints to call on all his strength not to simply tell Reid to illness, and the backward brazenness of this idea is pretty schteamy. We wholeheartedly endorse get fucked, instead stating that cellulite was some- that men should be stoic and unemotional. One the pairing of Morgan/Moore, and hope Peps has thing to be tolerated, but certainly not celebrated. user pointed out that Puds had the wrong idea the makings of a scintillating fanfic on the topic He then tweeted the suggestion to Reid that they about what makes a man: of Roger’s testosterone-fuelled pheromones in his “celebrate” her own cellulite live on air the follow- @MicheleBadger: Man up yourself @ Twitter drafts. ing week. Honestly, he’s just such a fucking cunt. piersmorgan. Real men show pain, love, From Russia With Love (1964, dir. Guy Ham- Spectre (2015, dir. Sam Mendes): Prat Bourbon etc. We all need to feel we can talk to any- ilton): Pit Persimmon’s Twitter picture features shows no intention of giving up the ghost. Just one when we need to. him sitting behind a desk with Donald Trump last week, after Emma Watson lauded the MTV (Dab on ‘em, Michele.) floating beside him, hands on his shoulder, like the TV & Movie Awards for their first genderless act- Miers Porgan replied with a question that was fucking Ghost of Christmas Future whose warn- ing award category, Prick Vermin took to the air likely meant to be rhetorical, but proved decidedly ing nobody heeded and now look where we’ve during Good Morning Britain to share his disdain otherwise: ended up. Pliers has been a consistent defender of for the fact that the special snowflakes had snuck @piersmorgan: Is James Bond not a real Trump’s (birds of a feather flock together, or, big- their Machiavellian agenda into the fucking MTV man, then? ots of a feather circle jerk together), which led to TV & Movie Awards (the epitome of cultural Ahhh, no, Perez. ‘Fraid not. him sitting beside comedian Jim Jefferies onReal achievement), fearing for what would be made of When you ask Priss Borgen who his favourite Time with Bill Maher shortly after Trump’s inau- the Academy Awards should they follow suit. At historical figure is, does he say James Bond? Does guration. When Pretz worked to speak in favour this point, Piers Morgan is like the ghost of Jacob he wonder how his handsome hero has stayed so of Trump’s (awful, discriminatory, fear-monger- fucking Marley, groaning and dragging his chains young for so long, or why his appearance is ev- ing) policies, Jefferies resoundingly told him to about, damned to wander the earth whining about er-changing? Does he think James Bond regularly fuck off on live TV, which immediately made our the liberal agenda for all eternity. While Scrooge undergoes facial surgery, à la the 1997 John Travol- souls leave our bodies as we reached spiritual nir- implored a plucky young lad to purchase a Christ- ta/Nicholas Cage sci-fi thriller,Face/Off ? vana. mas Turkey as big as him—Penis Scrotum, we’d be Perhaps. We couldn’t say for sure. What we can say Octopussy (1983, dir. John Glen): Prayers Spor- hard-pressed to find a dick as big as you. ◆ [5] NEWS Cost of Studying in Australia Set to Skyrocket for Kiwis BY ELOISE SIMS Kiwis studying in Australia will have to cope in a recent press release. but insisted there would be no subsequent fee with triple the rate of fees next year, due to the “New Zealanders will be left short- change for Australians studying here. Australian Government’s recent decision to changed as a result of these changes, forking “We prefer to be in a situation where we stop subsidising enrolments for New Zealand out thousands more dollars to study in Aus- have a positive relationship with Australia and citizens. tralia,” Gee stated. Kiwis get a good deal in Australia.” On average, from 2018 onwards, Kiwi New Zealanders in Australia will now “That's better than some sort of mutual students will go from paying around $7000 have access to the Australian student loan armed war to see who can treat each other's per year to study in Australia—to a whopping scheme, and Kiwis already enrolled will not citizens worse," he said. $24,000. The decision has been met with have their fees raised—but for Gee, and many The move to raise fees is understood much outrage from both sides of the ditch, other students across the country, this will to be part of Prime Minister Malcolm with Australian and New Zealand students simply just result in more crippling student Turnbull’s new efforts to put “Australia calling the proposals “outrageous”. debt. First”, and free up the budget for financial Declan Gorman, a Biomedical Honours “While we’re concerned that the fee rises assistance for families—yet Kiwi students student at the University of Queensland, will result in the ballooning of student debt, in Australia claim it has left them feeling noted the fact that fees will not be rising for the situation presents a stark reminder of how unwanted.