Longing for Recognition The Joys, Complexities, and Contradictions of Practicing Dietetics by Jacqueline Rochelle Gingras, PhD Longing for Recognition: The Joys, Complexities, and Contradictions of Practicing Dietetics Copyright © Jacqueline Rochelle Gingras All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reprinted or reproduced or utilised in any form without the express permission in writing of the author and publisher. First published in 2009 by: Raw Nerve Books Centre for Women’s Studies University of York York YO10 5DD England www.rawnervebooks.co.uk The author has asserted her moral right to be identified as the authors of this work under the Copyright, Design and Patents Act, 1988. Copyright Permissions: The character, Ariana, is credited as the author of three poems in this story: ‘In Celebration,’ ‘Strain,’ and ‘One Owner.’ These poems were actually written by Lucy Aphramor, who has granted permission for the poetry to appear as represented. ‘Wonderinging’ and ‘Home Favourite’ have been previously published in arts informed. Permission has been granted by arts informed for these poems to appear here. British Library-in-publication Data. A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library. ISBN: 978-0-9553586-5-4 Cover and book design by Hilary Kay Doran Printed and bound by: MPG Biddles Ltd, 24 Rollesby Road, Hardwick Industrial Estate King’s Lynn, Norfolk PE30 4LS UK To the uprising of students who have the courage to write of their lives. Acknowlegments There are many people I wish to acknowledge for their contributions and support in enabling this book to be made possible. Foremost, my sister dietitians for sharing ardent expressions of your work, for leaping into conversations so willingly, and for telling stories of your life through which I came to learn of myself...thank you. Our time together was truly a gift. Gwen Chapman, Karen Meyer, and Cynthia Nicol, my virtuous and intrepid dissertation committee members, I offer my thanks to you for inspiring me with your own stories, for sharing your thoughtful responses to my writing, and for questioning me on what it was I intended to accomplish with this book – until I felt convinced of it myself. It has been my special privilege to work with you. My thanks for shepherding this story through the academy. My thanks to the Killam Memorial Trust, Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council, and the Faculty of Community Services at Ryerson University for contributing financial support during the writing and publishing of this work. And Lucy Aphramor, my chthonic thirteenth participant, a heartfelt thanks for sharing your poetic gifts and your charming ways of disrupting dietetic practice. You inspire me to believe that dietetics can be more just, just more. I look forward to continuing to find words together that spell out such possibilities. My deepest gratitude to Raw Nerve Books, Ann Kaloski Naylor, and Hilary Doran for daring to embrace this story and showing the text (and the author) such thoughtful care and attention through the publishing process. My family, you deserve an extraordinary tribute for embracing my academic and artistic inclinations no matter how far flung. I love and appreciate all of you for co-creating these stories of our lives. My children, Evyn and Lewis for filling me with wonder and setting for me a tremendous challenge of becoming. And finally, to my partner Kelly. The words to craft this story have been found only because you afforded me the time and space to write. Over the years, you selflessly gift me these things and more and I am forever grateful as I continually marvel at your strength, courage, intelligence, and grace. All my love and gratitude to you. Table of Contents Introduction .......................................................................................................................7 Prologue ................................................................................................................................9 Chapter One – Unkept Promises ......................................................................17 Chapter Two – Emotional Ecology .................................................................37 Chapter Three – Secret Discontent ................................................................58 Chapter Four – Skittering Times ......................................................................76 Chapter Five – Fertile Again ...............................................................................96 Chapter Six – Gentle Conspiracy ..................................................................120 Chapter Seven – Chalk Outlines ................................................................... 141 Chapter Eight – Still the Quiet ......................................................................163 Chapter Nine – Thirsty Belief ..........................................................................174 Chapter Ten – Surrender Lament .................................................................195 Chapter Eleven – Tender Fear ......................................................................... 213 Chapter Twelve – Sweet Fruits.......................................................................226 Course Outline ...........................................................................................................235 Course Glossary.........................................................................................................238 Epilogue ..........................................................................................................................240 Bibliography ................................................................................................................243 Jacqueline Rochelle Gingras 7 Introduction In Longing for Recognition I endeavour to enact autoethnogra- phy, to bring it alive through a storying called autofiction. Al- though some characters stem entirely from my imagination, most are based on and inspired by my research co-participants, my academic colleagues, my friends, and my family. Most of these people are provided with pseudonyms to protect their identity and preserve their anonymity; a few retain their given names. Those whose real names are used have read the excerpts in which they appear and have agreed to be represented as such. I endea- vour to show these characters ‘embedded in the complexities of lived moments of struggle…attempting to preserve or restore the continuity and coherence of life’s unity in the face of unexpected blows of fate that call one’s meanings and values into question’ (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 744). I’ve recreated characters’ lives by making choices about dialogue, language, imagery, metaphor, narration, and conflict to illustrate implicitly the research themes. Each chapter is set initially in Tess’s classroom. The twelve chap- ters following the prologue correspond to the twelve lessons of an imaginary dietetic course, ‘NUTRITION 430: Orientations to Dietetic Practice,’ offered over the span of a fall semester. A course outline and glossary are provided as supporting docu- ments. After each class, scenes shift to a variety of locations. I offer this book as the centrepiece from which an imaginary of di- etetic education and practice might emerge. I hope it will inspire readers to ask, ‘What if this were true? What then?’ The impulse for this work arose from my desire to understand the connections between what I know as dietetic education and the complex world in which it is situated and constituted. From the start, I was concerned with discovering ways to represent this research unconventionally. I searched ‘for alternative ways to push and move the already constituted towards new discursive prac- tices’ (Søndergaard, 2005, p. 298). During the research process, 8 Longing for Recognition I learned of myself through the Other. I engaged with the Other, assured that relationships form the crucible of my learning. My actions are premised on reciprocity, mutuality, and respect. Most of all, any knowing I claim exists in the dynamic embeddedness of these relationships. I believe that this research, like all pieces of writing, is a work of translation in the way Hrjinian (2000) describes translation as an epistemological project that ‘scruti- nizes the nature of knowing and the way in which any particular knowing is circumstantially embedded’ (p. 296). It is my hope that my translation provokes further dialogue on the subject of dietetic education and practice. It is my hope that this work pro- vokes dialogue that places the subject of dietetic education and practice in translation and leaves it there unsettled, leaves it there unkept. Jacqueline Rochelle Gingras 9 Prologue All seeing is hooded with loss … in looking at the other … the subject seeks to see herself. (Phelan, 1993, p. 16) Jacqui and her grandmother sat side by side in two oversized recliners watching The Wheel of Fortune – The Wheel, as her fam- ily called it, with affectionate familiarity. At seven o’clock, when The Wheel was on, Grandma was not to be disturbed. Despite knowing this, Jacqui could not wait to share her big news. ‘Grandma?’ Jacqui paused, her heart beating wildly. A hard swallow. ‘I’m pregnant.’ Jacqui’s throat was dry with nervous- ness. She didn’t take her eyes off Pat and Vanna. Grandma leaned forward in her recliner, her head turned to- wards Jacqui. Her crocheting fell into her lap. ‘Oh, Jacqui … what, how did this happen?’ It didn’t take much imagination to guess Grandma