By Federal Mandate, No More Trans Facts Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break 10% Tuition Increase STOCK MARKET FORECAST ResTech's Anti-YouTube™ Plot Foiled; Burdensome Videos Exposed loans with a In late January, thousands of students chance of were driven to insanity and several others to disappearing suicidal rage when they discovered that ResTech abducted massive amounts of inheritance bandwidth away from online flash media, resulting in sites like YouTube and EbaumsWorld taking days, years and even decades to load only seconds of fantastic, Buried time consuming footage. While students were left with no videos, no hope, and conse - WUnderground: quently, no future, the internet and phone service providers fled the campus in cahoots, Romance blooms leaving behind a tragic scene of chaos, and some Ethernet wires. during fraternity rush "I don't understand," said Johnny Walnuts, One the many fine cinematic moments ResTech a freshman in the School of Engineering. "If I deprived students of--Nermal the Cat licks herself. Temporary parking want to watch a cat lick its anus instead of snickered about the latest World of Warcraft lot mistaken for doing my Chemistry homework, then I should gossip. But halfway into the film, people got be able to watch a cat lick its god damn up and started socializing with each other Lexus dealership anus." Johnny is one of many high-caliber about weird things like baseball and mari - students from our university who gets his daily juana. Freckle was outraged that the group fuel and motivation from such groundbreaking had turned their backs on Lucas, so he content on the web, and without it has felt searched for answers, and got them when he depressed, and Amish. Rather than improving found an empty container of Baja Bob's 10- the collective work ethic, many students like proof Pina Colada mix™ in the trash can. But Johnny actually got less work done because before he could take action, it was too late, they resorted to watching longer, shittier B- and he joined the rest of us as we ripped off films on stolen cable. Remarked Benny our green, button-down polo shirts and Badoozi, a junior in the School of Architecture, started licking each other's arms and hands. Dakota Fanning's "If I have to watch Blue Streak one more time I hope that nobody had any cuts or bruises." on TBS, I am going to break into Martin According to another anonymous source, Hounddog Raped Lawrence's house and steal his children." the scene intensified as several techies ran at Box Office After 14 days of pain, struggle, and quickly around the room with their arms out to unappreciated shenanigans, ResTech finally their sides, bending and weaving to simulate Peyton Manning Ditches restored the bandwidth to its original level and airplane fighter jets. The fun also spread apologized to the WashU community via a outside the group's headquarters, as WUPD Super Bowl MVP mixture of AIM Smiley faces on their storefront reported having to restrain a student and a Ceremony to Film window. But, while students hailed the 35-year old man who were loudly singing 1-800-EMPIRE Commercial return of flash based media, many were left "The Imperial March" and square dancing in scratching their heads at the lack of an front of Wohl Center. When the officers explanation for the debacle. "I think I deserve traced them back to the scene of the 24 Hour Relay for Life to know why I have to memorize all the lyrics debauchery, they immediately gave everyone to Combine with to Dick in a Box again," commented freshman some Aquafina and cookies, and calmed Sammy "The Tuna" Schlamatto. them down. "We couldn't arrest any of them," Subway Lunch-line When asked about the situation, ResTech the cops would later say; "our breathalyzers was less than forthcoming with details related found nothing, and we honestly felt sorry for to the decision. "Uh... I don't know what you're them: Revenge of the Sith sucked." The talking about," commented ResTech's head officers were unaware that one of the techies coordinator Jim Freckle as his eyes nervously had taken his Canon Powershot A520 and shifted back and forth. "Maybe one of our stu - filmed the entire episode, subsequently post - dent-workers shorted things out while talking ing it on Youtube that same night. After being to his Internet girlfriend. I can't say I am angry confronted with the situation, Freckle ex - at him - she looks a lot like Heidi Klum. Way plained his actions. "If WashU students were to go, Josh!" to see this disturbing footage, they would flip Society Pages: But another reliable source deeply a Jimmy and go bonkers. We wanted to hide embedded within the ResTech family had it until the craze had passed so that nobody Kate Moss Spotted at something else to say in the form of a sworn would know about it, you know? I wanted to Party in Eliot affidavit: "On January 24th, ResTech was be the problem solver. I wanted to be the hosting their weekly Star Wars Marathon HERO. But in a world amongst mortals, I tried night, which is usually attended by "techies" to play God, and I failed. Cursed be my Daniel Radcliffe to star young and old. Things were going smoothy, name, and I shall pass through the fiery in Mr. Hands as the crowd was glued to Episode III: Re - depths of Hell." venge of the Sith while they quietly solved bio-pic Equus Rubik's Cubes behind their backs and CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break Disaffected Sophomore Laments Latest Party Was "On the Hook." Washington University sophomore Joel Jill Sanders blames the declining social satisfaction on a loss of novelty. "Freshman Schneiderman expected a killer time Friday year it was great, I got to experience all of the night - a suite party whose invite list included party things that I missed while I was members of 2 fraternities, 6 sororities, and all studying on weekends in high school: getting 54 acapella groups - but has since reported drunk, going out with the girls, bukkake." At that the party was firmly "on the hook," an Ivy-League caliber school like WashU, according to a Facebook post left Tuesday on expectedly, others take a more academic the wall of his best friend Philip Kolin. approach. "It's the simple economic concept “Last year all it took was beer pong or of diminishing marginal return," added quarters, but we just can't seem to raise the Economics minor Bill Caporella. "It's like bar to that next notch. We were left with this eating at Bear's Den, the first few days of it awkward, stale party. Nothing we tried are great, but after a year of eating fattening worked,” party-goer Harvey Multani related. It food served to you by people who hate their was not a lack of trying that led to the failure jobs, you want some variety. Or at least a this weekend. Fuck the Dealer, Circle of A photo tagged on Facebook fucking Taco Bell." Death, and even Asshole could not light the the morning after the party. There seems to be no answers at this flame of libation. "There we were, staring time. Joel and others can now only wait until each other in the face with cards all over the someone makes a breakthrough to end the table. I was so depressed. It was all I could streak of low quality parties. "I hope some- do to keep drinking." one comes up with something fast. It's get- A lack of party utility is becoming a com- ting scary. All we do now is sit on the couch mon symptom among WashU sophomores , WUnderground is a drinking and watch TV. I feel like I'm 45 leading many to deem unsatisfying visits to satirical newspaper and already. Where are all the awesome memo- Fraternity Row or multiple trips to Washington should be taken about as ries to look back on when I am 45? It can't be Avenue club 1014 on weeknights "the sopho- seriously as Aqua Teen over already. It just can't." more slump." Like many others, sophomore Hunger Force Advertising. The quotes and events reported in this paper are Goldfish Increases completely fictitious… at Memory to Six Seconds least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to per- with Help of Herbal sons living, ailing, or dead Supplement is completely intentional. Local recluse Pat Richardson announced Dennis Mickley, Tuesday from his empty studio apartment Commander In Chief that his pet Goldfish (Carassius auratus), "Gerald at Rest", a lovingly painted portrait Tommy Honton, Gerald, had managed to increase his by Patrick Richardson. Chief of Police memory by 50% thanks to an herbal much." Gerald admits that he was initially Arjun Muthusubramanian, supplement discovered in an email. TXSS- skeptical of using the memory supplement. "I Chief Import MDE15, the product advertised in the email, mean, why would I want to mess with the Bill Brasky claims that it can "INCR3ASE UR MEM0RY - body that God gave me?" he said. "At first, I Fire Chief ALL NATRUL PILZ." wasn't sure the benefits would outweigh the Elizabeth Romaner, "We knew this was an offer we couldn't risks, but.... What are you doing here? Who Chief of Making Shit Pretty pass up" said Pat Richardson, nervously are you? Get the fuck out of here. No, I don't Tyler Greene, logging into his myspace.com account to con- know you, I've never seen before you in my Master Chief firm new friends.