By Federal Mandate, No More Trans Facts

Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break 10% Tuition Increase

STOCK MARKET FORECAST ResTech's Anti-YouTube™ Plot Foiled; Burdensome Videos Exposed loans with a In late January, thousands of students chance of were driven to insanity and several others to disappearing suicidal rage when they discovered that ResTech abducted massive amounts of inheritance bandwidth away from online flash media, resulting in sites like YouTube and EbaumsWorld taking days, years and even decades to load only seconds of fantastic, Buried time consuming footage. While students were left with no videos, no hope, and conse - WUnderground: quently, no future, the internet and phone service providers fled the campus in cahoots, Romance blooms leaving behind a tragic scene of chaos, and some Ethernet wires. during fraternity rush "I don't understand," said Johnny Walnuts, One the many fine cinematic moments ResTech a freshman in the School of Engineering. "If I deprived students of--Nermal the Cat licks herself. Temporary parking want to watch a cat lick its anus instead of snickered about the latest World of Warcraft lot mistaken for doing my Chemistry homework, then I should gossip. But halfway into the film, people got be able to watch a cat lick its god damn up and started socializing with each other Lexus dealership anus." Johnny is one of many high-caliber about weird things like baseball and mari - students from our university who gets his daily juana. Freckle was outraged that the group fuel and motivation from such groundbreaking had turned their backs on Lucas, so he content on the web, and without it has felt searched for answers, and got them when he depressed, and Amish. Rather than improving found an empty container of Baja Bob's 10- the collective work ethic, many students like proof Pina Colada mix™ in the trash can. But Johnny actually got less work done because before he could take action, it was too late, they resorted to watching longer, shittier B- and he joined the rest of us as we ripped off films on stolen cable. Remarked Benny our green, button-down polo shirts and Badoozi, a junior in the School of Architecture, started licking each other's arms and hands. Dakota Fanning's "If I have to watch Blue Streak one more time I hope that nobody had any cuts or bruises." on TBS, I am going to break into Martin According to another anonymous source, Hounddog Raped Lawrence's house and steal his children." the scene intensified as several techies ran at Box Office After 14 days of pain, struggle, and quickly around the room with their arms out to unappreciated shenanigans, ResTech finally their sides, bending and weaving to simulate Peyton Manning Ditches restored the bandwidth to its original level and airplane fighter jets. The fun also spread apologized to the WashU community via a outside the group's headquarters, as WUPD Super Bowl MVP mixture of AIM Smiley faces on their storefront reported having to restrain a student and a Ceremony to Film window. But, while students hailed the 35-year old man who were loudly singing 1-800-EMPIRE Commercial return of flash based media, many were left "The Imperial March" and square dancing in scratching their heads at the lack of an front of Wohl Center. When the officers explanation for the debacle. "I think I deserve traced them back to the scene of the 24 Hour Relay for Life to know why I have to memorize all the lyrics debauchery, they immediately gave everyone to Combine with to Dick in a Box again," commented freshman some Aquafina and cookies, and calmed Sammy "The Tuna" Schlamatto. them down. "We couldn't arrest any of them," Subway Lunch-line When asked about the situation, ResTech the cops would later say; "our breathalyzers was less than forthcoming with details related found nothing, and we honestly felt sorry for to the decision. "Uh... I don't know what you're them: Revenge of the Sith sucked." The talking about," commented ResTech's head officers were unaware that one of the techies coordinator Jim Freckle as his eyes nervously had taken his Canon Powershot A520 and shifted back and forth. "Maybe one of our stu - filmed the entire episode, subsequently post - dent-workers shorted things out while talking ing it on Youtube that same night. After being to his Internet girlfriend. I can't say I am angry confronted with the situation, Freckle ex - at him - she looks a lot like Heidi Klum. Way plained his actions. "If WashU students were to go, Josh!" to see this disturbing footage, they would flip Society Pages: But another reliable source deeply a Jimmy and go bonkers. We wanted to hide embedded within the ResTech family had it until the craze had passed so that nobody Kate Moss Spotted at something else to say in the form of a sworn would know about it, you know? I wanted to Party in Eliot affidavit: "On January 24th, ResTech was be the problem solver. I wanted to be the hosting their weekly Star Wars Marathon HERO. But in a world amongst mortals, I tried night, which is usually attended by "techies" to play God, and I failed. Cursed be my Daniel Radcliffe to star young and old. Things were going smoothy, name, and I shall pass through the fiery in Mr. Hands as the crowd was glued to Episode III: Re - depths of Hell." venge of the Sith while they quietly solved bio-pic Equus Rubik's Cubes behind their backs and CONTINUED ON PAGE 2 Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break Disaffected Sophomore Laments Latest Party Was "On the Hook." Washington University sophomore Joel Jill Sanders blames the declining social satisfaction on a loss of novelty. "Freshman Schneiderman expected a killer time Friday year it was great, I got to experience all of the night - a suite party whose invite list included party things that I missed while I was members of 2 fraternities, 6 sororities, and all studying on weekends in high school: getting 54 acapella groups - but has since reported drunk, going out with the girls, bukkake." At that the party was firmly "on the hook," an Ivy-League caliber school like WashU, according to a Facebook post left Tuesday on expectedly, others take a more academic the wall of his best friend Philip Kolin. approach. "It's the simple economic concept “Last year all it took was beer pong or of diminishing marginal return," added quarters, but we just can't seem to raise the Economics minor Bill Caporella. "It's like bar to that next notch. We were left with this eating at Bear's Den, the first few days of it awkward, stale party. Nothing we tried are great, but after a year of eating fattening worked,” party-goer Harvey Multani related. It food served to you by people who hate their was not a lack of trying that led to the failure jobs, you want some variety. Or at least a this weekend. Fuck the Dealer, Circle of A photo tagged on Facebook fucking Taco Bell." Death, and even Asshole could not light the the morning after the party. There seems to be no answers at this flame of libation. "There we were, staring time. Joel and others can now only wait until each other in the face with cards all over the someone makes a breakthrough to end the table. I was so depressed. It was all I could streak of low quality parties. "I hope some- do to keep drinking." one comes up with something fast. It's get- A lack of party utility is becoming a com- ting scary. All we do now is sit on the couch mon symptom among WashU sophomores , WUnderground is a drinking and watch TV. I feel like I'm 45 leading many to deem unsatisfying visits to satirical newspaper and already. Where are all the awesome memo- Fraternity Row or multiple trips to Washington should be taken about as ries to look back on when I am 45? It can't be Avenue club 1014 on weeknights "the sopho- seriously as Aqua Teen over already. It just can't." more slump." Like many others, sophomore Hunger Force Advertising. The quotes and events reported in this paper are Goldfish Increases completely fictitious… at Memory to Six Seconds least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to per- with Help of Herbal sons living, ailing, or dead Supplement is completely intentional. Local recluse Pat Richardson announced Dennis Mickley, Tuesday from his empty studio apartment Commander In Chief that his pet Goldfish (Carassius auratus), "Gerald at Rest", a lovingly painted portrait Tommy Honton, Gerald, had managed to increase his by Patrick Richardson. Chief of Police memory by 50% thanks to an herbal much." Gerald admits that he was initially Arjun Muthusubramanian, supplement discovered in an email. TXSS- skeptical of using the memory supplement. "I Chief Import MDE15, the product advertised in the email, mean, why would I want to mess with the Bill Brasky claims that it can "INCR3ASE UR MEM0RY - body that God gave me?" he said. "At first, I Fire Chief ALL NATRUL PILZ." wasn't sure the benefits would outweigh the Elizabeth Romaner, "We knew this was an offer we couldn't risks, but.... What are you doing here? Who Chief of Making Shit Pretty pass up" said Pat Richardson, nervously are you? Get the fuck out of here. No, I don't Tyler Greene, logging into his myspace.com account to con- know you, I've never seen before you in my Master Chief firm new friends. "I immediately forwarded life. This castle is mine, pal, I don't care who the benevolent offerer of this miracle drug, you are or what you write for, get the fuck out Chiefs of Staff: [email protected] , of my castle, and don't touch the treasure Brian Bloomer the small amount of requisite information: two chest with the bubble releaser." Aleya Broadway credit card numbers, a scan of my social After the success of the supplements with Jeremy Carroll security card, my Paypal ID, and a certified Gerald, Pat is taking internet offers more Joshua Delman birth certificate. It was the best decision I've seriously. "I just sent my bank account info to Scott Drattell ever made." King Mkejwkljah of Kenya, I'm going to have Barry Hubris Richardson became concerned about my Pontiac Aztek paid off in no time." Jared Lerner Gerald's short recollection after skimming a Joshua Malina Wikipedia article on Goldfish while alone ResTech's Anti-YouTube™ Jesse Markowitz Friday night. According to the article, the Danny McCullough common notion that Goldfish have only a 3 Plot Foiled CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 Ethan Stern second memory "has been proven A month after the early semester surprise, Nora Tane completely true by former X-Files star David things seemed to have cooled down, and Duchovny." The article states that the short students remain at ease with the Danforth We are actively recruiting duration of memory creates an internal Campus internet network. Commented Mickey new chiefs. If you would dichotomy in the fish, as they have strong Maducci, a sophomore in the School of Art, "I'm like to write, edit, doodle, associative learning capabilities and social just glad that King Bandwidth is back on his edit, spelcheck, or learning skills, but an inability to remember throne, you know what I'm sayin? Cuz I can't engage in Belegarth what they have learned. "It's the same tolerate that shit again, nuh uh." With combat, email us at frustration faced by Alzheimer's patients," students like Mickey feeling happy again, and [email protected] asserted Dr. Calvin Taylor of the Missouri the campus thriving, ResTech can certainly feel and join our Facebook Memory Institute. "Except goldfish are gener- more comfortable - at least for now. "All I know group! ally much cuter, and spend less time playing is that I've learned a very important lesson," Backgammon." added Freckle. "When you take YouTube away "I'll be the first to admit that Pat has really from a bunch of 18-23 year olds, you're playing put a lot of time into my care," said Gerald with fire." And that's never a good thing, unless from his plastic castle home. "Probably too you're the guy who swallows it at the circus. Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break

POINT COUNTER POINT Campus Security Enough is Enough Is Enough Enough? Harold Bigguns, Junior Dick Schenck, Sophomore I understand the need for heightened Despite the recent efforts on behalf of security on campus, I really do. But some - the administration to beef up security, times you just gotta wonder if we've taken there are still more holes in the it too far. I know that the Myers attack university's policy than in my fear-soiled was a serious issue, and if I didn't sheets. Just the other day, I approached know, then the 12 consecutive StudLife the dorms outfitted in what could have articles provided ample information. Lets been the trappings of a common face it, StudLife considers the attack to be criminal; clad in only my Washington of the same caliber as Sept. 11th - and University sweatshirt, sweatpants, my while it may be insensitive for me to clear plastic laminated ID lanyard, disagree, at the very least, I'd prefer to be holding only my student transcript and treated like a victim, rather than an Afgani or Iraqi or Irani or birth certificate. I was stopped just ONCE by B&D guards and whoever the hell attacked us back then. asked to identify myself following a cavity search. ONLY ONCE. I Here's an example. The other day, I was walking up to my ask you, gentle readers, is once enough to allow an affluent-look - room on the Forty when a B&D guard stopped me and asked to ing, non-descript white male to be identified by a man who he's see some ID. I had left my card in my room, and before I could only met 12 or 13 times over the course of the last 2 days? Does say "Patriot Act", a second guard popped out from behind a trash that man know him? Does he know whether his intentions are can and blackjacked me on the back of the head. I was then good or bad? Does he know that his fears of butterflies and taken to what they called the "Askin' Chamber" where they per - lollipops have drenched him in his own piss more times than he formed a "routine search" for over three hours! And it wouldn't cares to recount? NO. Does he know that typing that sentence have been nearly as bad, except one of them kept complement - has so damaged his fragile psyche that he's called all four of his ing my eyes and telling me I was special. At the end of the day, therapists to talk about it at length? NO. Sure, he may know the they left my limp, beaten, walletless body in the dumpster behind contents of his rectum, and that he lives in the building, and that Bear's Den. he has business being there, but he doesn't know what he thinks! I don't want campus security to go back where it was. I'm just He could be thinking criminalistic thoughts about stealing, or asking Student Life to stop running articles about campus secu - pilfering, or slowly plotting to enslave the indigenous race! What rity. If you need proof that its time to relax then you can look at I'm proposing isn't radical - it's necessary. All students would feel the lump on my head and the B&D guard's number that he wrote safer knowing that after having gone through two finger-print on a napkin for me. A date with Ted is so not worth the loss of my scans, a retinal scan, and a fertility test that they are living in a rights ... or is it? secure community. Sure, B&D is a start, but we need a more invasive, scarring and potentially life-threatening system to deter Human Evolution Professor Struck the criminals in our midst. Like the great junior senator from Professor Smoot 1350g Wisconsin, Joe McCarthy said, "Fear is a dish best served in the Down by God skulls of our...God, this whiskey is good." So, I pose this chal - In Anthropology 101, di - Bertrand Russell 400g lenge to you, university. Either scare us, brow-beat us and make vine retribution was an us fear the institution's power structure, or don't even try. abrupt addition to the daily curriculum. In a class dis - cussing the cytogenic trends and homologous nature of State School the Bonobo New World Student 300g WUnderground Suduku!!! Monkey, Professor Rick Creationist 10g Smoot was promptly incinerated by a lightning bolt Smoot's final handout Suduku rules are extremely easy: Fill all empty squares so from the heavens. The students, displaying a stunning lack of kinship that the numbers 1 to 2 appear once in each row and column. traits, failed to make any attempt to preserve their tribe leader, and began a mass exodus towards the classroom exits. The aim of the course was providing a coherent, linear progression of human evolution from the Ramapithecus fossil, the 5.5 million year old common ancestor of apes and humans, to the modern Homo sapiens. Smoot, however, was known for occasionally straying from the course syllabus to expand on his own views. Dwight Yanofsky, a front-row witness to the event, said, “Smoot was really rubbing it in God's face all class, saying Noah's Ark was ridiculous, and that all miracles and supernatural events were easily explainable with empirical analysis. He called religion an 'archaic 1 worldview', and God a 'personification for the scientifically ignorant'. I guess that was a mistake.” He also added, “Pascal's Wager is looking pretty good right about now.” The divine retribution has forced many students to reconsider their belief system. Jay Feldman, a professed former agnostic, had his non-belief shaken to its unstable foundation. “I've never been into the whole God thing. Generally, it seems to involve some sort of commit -

ment to charity, and I'm a business major. But now, I'm thinking about

2 converting to Christianity, or maybe Islam, which seems to be the hot 1

new thing. I hear that group worship is great for networking.”

2 1

r e w s n Professor Smoot's course has been removed from the WashU cur - A riculum, and been replaced by “Well That About Wraps it Up for Evo - lution” - a new, wildly popular course focusing on Intelligent Design. Charles Darwin, deceased, was unavailable for comment. Volume 3, Issue 5 The Week After Spring Break

The Depressingly Bitter Critic Reviews

With evGery halfo-asssetd coRmicidbooek cr haracter Top 10 ... and his super-powered dog riding on the Wild Rumors spandex lined coat-tails of legitimate super - heroes like Spider-Man ( Spider-Man ), Wolverine ( X-Men ), and Mariah Carey (Glitter ) and getting his or her own movie, it 1. OJ Simpson not performing was only a matter of time before the scraping Nicolas Cage ponders what ridiculous name will ruin his second child's life. at Wild (but if he was, he'd arm of Hollywood finally hit the bottom of the idea barrel. That day arrived when Mark Clocking in at six minutes shy of two hours open with "Killing me Softly") Steven Johnson sauntered his untalented- and a record nine on the so-bad-it-hurts self into Sony's offices and agreed to "write" scale, it's evident that all but a handful of the and "direct" the feature film adaptation of $120 million budget actually went to the 2. Paris Hilton to play skin flute the trippiest thing out of the 1970s next to "script," which I imagine resembles a Denny's LSD, Ghost Rider. placemat scribbled with gems like, "then for 3. Trey Anastasio chosen in Loosely based off the convoluted comic no reason he fights a helicopter." Horrible book, Ghost Rider tells the tale of a flaming dialogue and laughable effects aside, what jam-band three-peat (not in that way although he kind of is) Ghost Rider ultimately fails to do is create leather-clad skeleton that rides a motorcycle characters that have more depth than a piece and, as anyone might naturally associate with of cardboard or my ex-wife's new husband. 4. K-Fed offered to open for such a creature, fights bad guys. In the film, In the end, Johnson mistakes melodramatic, free, Team 31 politely declined the character of Ghost Rider comes into clichéd villains for conflict, unexplained quirks being when young stuntman Johnny Blaze - e.g., a stuntman with fondness for jelly - (Matt Long doing his best Nicolas Cage beans and the Carpenters (I'm not making 5. Jennifer Hudson refused, impression) unwittingly gets his soul sold this up) - for character depth, and meaning - found working with Team 31 less action for content. This film is poised to to a botox-laden Peter Fonda aka the Devil. abusive and traumatizing When things go horribly wrong, Blaze is become one of Cage's biggest hits, the only forced to dramatically leave behind his explanation for which is the American public carny-lifestyle, abandon the love of his life, ingesting lead paint chips at an unprece - 6. Obama to Ba-rack out and grow up to become a famous stuntman dented rate. It's evident that, with what is who can't die, played by Oscar winner passed off as entertainment these days, Nicolas Cage in his best role since 8MM … it won't be long before an hour of flashing 7. Wild cancelled as Wrighton lights and shiny things will win Best Picture at wait… no… Rumble Fish … hang on… maybe takes it with him to Harvard Fire Birds … no… The Ant Bully …. okay, the Oscars. That, or Ghost Rider 2 . Either okay… The Wicker Man . After forty minutes way, I hope I'll be dead by then. of exposition with dialogue more stilted than a Director: Mark Steven Johnson 8. Eastern European dorm- 10-foot midget, Johnny Blaze unwittingly Cast: Nicolas Cage, Eva Mendez, Peter Fonda transforms into a servant of the Devil, blows Rated: PG-13 cleaning staff band to play hit some [stuff] up, rekindles the romance with Running Time: 114 minutes single "Inferior Potassium" Rating: 1/5 Dirty Glasses Half-Filled With Cheap Vodka his old flame Roxanne Simpson (Eva "It's-a-good-thing-I'm-hot-because-I-can't-act- to-save-my-life" Mendez), fights some bad 9. Norah Jones to be off heazy CGI and that neighbor from American Beauty , and uh… actually that's about it.

What do you think? As the world experiences the highest winter temperatures in history, Scientists in Paris have released a 21 page report that purports an unequivocal link between humans and global warming. What do you think?

Bill Nye An Iceberg Isaiah Washington Mr. Freeze Terrance Goodhugh Science Guy Demise of Titanic, Actor, Bigot Governor Bon Appétit Lettuce Spokesperson Representative "It's really quite sim - "Man made global "OH NO! I'M ple, anyone can "It's fabulous! I'm warming is simply a FUCKED!" "Now that we don't create global warm - losing weight faster fag of science. Wait! have to buy our ing at home. All you than Keira Knightley!" Shit, shit, shit. I 'employees' coats need is what we need this job….. anymore, burritos have here on the lab Please don't print will cost only table: baking soda, that. Please." $11.99." scotch tape, a yard stick, and a balloon."