June 2011 Number 237 MELTHAM GOLF CLUB BULLETIN Captains News Can you play too much golf? I played my first round of the Carr Bowl on Thursday the 28th of April against John Steel, a member I have not had the pleasure of playing with before (another good reason to enter the KO comps). We finished on the fourteenth then I dashed back to catch the last hour of the first Social Committee meeting of the year, chaired by the Captain Elect Adrian Ashworth and diligently minuted by Dr Sue Whittaker. For the Bank Holiday weekend I went up to Scotland (managed to miss the Royal Wedding) with Paul Sykes and Steve Hanley from Meltham, Major Tim Dyson from ”Royal” Longley Park, an ex Marsden member and a slim lad from Woodsome. On Friday we played 18 holes at Stirling GC, it has spectacular views of Stirling Castle which is like Castle Hill but bigger, in the evening we went out for a few beers, as you do. Saturday morning we played 9 holes at Alva GC with only 3 clubs and a putter. I chose a rescue club, an 8 iron and a gap wedge (I don`t know why either). At least I finished with the same ball. On Saturday afternoon we played 18 holes at Alloa GC where for an extra £12 we had soup and bacon sandwiches for lunch with the option of a high tea after we had finished our round. We northern boys chose the pie, chips and gravy option followed by apple pie, cream and ice cream, and washed down with Carling Extra Cold. On Sunday morning we played 18 holes at Kilsyth Lennox GC which has an interesting history. Their original club house was burnt down with all their trophies and club history, the course has now been extended from its original 9 holes and is built around a working quarry. We came home on Sunday evening and finished the trip in the Woolpack at Almondbury as tradition demands. On the morning of Bank Holiday Monday I walked the course with the Greens Chairman Andrew Westacott, Geoff Keighley, Jonathan Leach our Course manager, Sam Wardill the Deputy Course manager and Golf Chairman Rob Load, looking at ways to improve the course. The findings have been published in Mr Westacott`s monthly report. I then had all Bank Holiday Monday afternoon off to rest. Tuesday the 3rd of May brought another 36 holes at Meltham in the Huddersfield and Halifax Winter Alliance Page Trophy, which as a past winner and this years Captain I was obliged to play in. The tro- phy was won by Simon Garside a 19 handicapper from Willow Val- ley, say no more. I was the lowest placed Meltham competitor, whereas Neil Paxman was the top Meltham golfer with two excellent rounds of 70 and 77 on what was a very windy day. The greens were, as ever excellent with all competitors praising the quality of the Meltham greens. On Wednesday night I had my first Captain’s Friendly away at Elland. Luckily I didn’t have to play all 18 holes but managed to finish with a birdie two on the last hole. My thanks to Past Captain David Thorpe, my foursomes partner Mick Cooke, David Utasi the Rabbit Captain Elect and stalwart Jack Thewlis for turning out to represent the Club. So I had Thursday and Friday off before another 36 holes on Saturday the 7th in the Fisher Cup Foursomes where myself and partner Ashley Mills went round the lakeside holes in the first round 3, 9, and 3. Easy life! I must pass on my congratulation to Norman Higgs and Jim Hemming for their splendid win in the Fisher Cup Foursomes, shows there is life in the old dogs yet! On the 12th of May I had the sad duty to attend the funeral of Mrs Jackie Donkin, a past Lady Captain and long time member of Meltham GC. Mike Carr remarked that Jackie always kept him on his toes when he was Captain. She will be sadly missed. Our thoughts are with her husband Barrie and his family. In the Chas.Watts Trophy I played with two of the nicest left handers in the club, Tom and Henry Freeland another two members I had not played with before. Congratulations to Ben Ellis for a great score on a tough day. I didn’t manage to play in the Mixed Invitation due to work commitments, but I did assist the Lady Captain in presenting the prizes. My thanks go to Pauline Hazelden for her hard work and for making my job easier. The first Gents Invitation was played on Saturday 21st, unfortunately it was not very well attended but it was won with ease by resurgent Mark and Toby Garret with a splendid 63. Toby said his Dad played so badly the week before he had to apologise to his playing partners! I express my apologies’ on behalf of the committee to those members who were unable to dine after the invitation due to a long standing booking in the diary. Thanks to young guns Alistair Brodhead and James Fish, not so young Roy Roebuck and Ted Pickles and Stephen Hanley for braving the elements at Dewsbury on Sunday the 22nd to play for the club in the Union four ball. That woman does it again! My foursomes partner Hazel Hardacre sank another monstrous putt on the tenth. Playing competitors Margret Bottomore and John Cooper were gobsmacked. Ian Saxton Captain Presidents Twopenn’rth Why, Oh Why, Oh Why…………….. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the bat- teries are almost dead? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but have to check when you say the paint is still wet? Is there ever a day when sofas are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead insects get into those enclosed light fixtures? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? …………………….and Lost in Translation A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese”. “No rike Chinese?” asks the co-pilot “why not”. You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that’s why”. “No no” the co-pilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah, that Japanese, not Chinese”. “Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, your all alike”. There’s a few minutes of silence. “I No rike Jews”, the co-pilot suddenly announces. “Oh yeah, why not?” asks the captain. “Jews sink Titanic”. “What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaimed the captain “It was an iceberg” “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg…..no matta….all same!” Rabbits News What a strange year! I have just picked some strawberries from my garden – not under glass – and it’s only May!! The dry ground is helping the ball run too, just discovering what a wedge is for! The Meltham Rabbits are doing well this year we lead the league after two games so keep it up. Apparently Derek Tompson is on fire hope he can keep it up as we play together in the Greensomes. In the Huddersfield and Halifax district competitions we have six players through to the second round of the RT Morley, unfortunately not our star from last year – Mr Auckland is out in the prelim. I let Mr Vice take a group to Saddleworth last Monday and apparently his joke was quite funny but they won’t let him eat in the clubhouse, he did win the wine again – I must remind him that as acting Captain he should give up his prize for his fellow team members. Meanwhile I seem to be witnessing incredible events on my Friendlies – first David White and his bunker antics, this has been put in perspective at Outlane, when a fellow Meltham member, who shall remain nameless to protect his honour, managed to hit his ball straight into his own goolies while attempting a wedge out of the rough – more than a shot penalty I felt. The Rabbits Committee went to Headlingly to take part in their annual Rabbits Open yesterday and I must say how good value these events are at £30 a couple and a free bacon sandwich and coffee plus 18 holes on a cracking golf course you can’t get many better days out. We only managed one prize – Jim Bence got nearest the pin after two on the 18th, but I would recommend fellow Rabbits to look at some of these events if you haven’t already and of course support our own on 3rd July and for anyone who can bring in 7 other non Meltham member golfers we’ll let you have a free entry. Lots of good golf and competitions to look forward to in June so lets get out there.