I5QUIET, PLEA5E MORE HUMOR WRITING FROM THE NEW YORKER EDITED BY DAVID REMNICK AND HENRY FINDER RANDOM HOUSE / NEW YORK CONTENT5 Introduction xi COUPLE5 The Breaking Up of the Winships /James Thurber ' 3 The House of Mirth / Peter DeVries 7 The Zagat History of My Last Relationship / Noah Baumbach 11 8 Simple Rixles for Dating My ExrWife / David Owen . 14 Audio Tour / Patricia Marx 16 Share Our Joy I Larry Doyle • - ;! - ' 18 THE FLEJH.Ii VEAK , Frigidity in Men IE. B. White > ' 25 The New Yorker Advisor / Roger Angell ' ' ' 29 The Whore ofMensa/ Woody Allen •• •• 37 Artichoke / Polly Frost •''• 43 My Sexual Fantasies I Jim Windolf -' •' 47 Aristotle on Relationships I Frank Gannon -' • 52 Four Short Crushes / Paul Simms 54 CONTENTS CHILDREN'5 H O U R 5 Stage Father / Calvin Trillin 61 Shiftless Little Loafers / Susan Orlean i 63 Recently Discovered Childhood Letters to Santa /Johnny Carson 65 How to Lay Off Your Kids / Carina Chocano 66 Camp Correspondence / Bruce. McCall 69 College Essay / Christopher Buckley 71 Inappropriate/ Paul Rudnick 73 The Wisdom of Children / Simon Rich 76 Hey, Look / Simon Rich -•• . c 79 ANIMAL Cl\ ACKER5 Coyote v. Acme / Ian Frazier 83 What to Do About Sharks / Bruce McCall 87 All I Really Need to Know I Learned by Having My Arms Ripped Off by a Polar Bear / Andrew Barlow 89 Animals All Around Us I Jack Handey 91 The Living Dead / David Sedaris 93 Talking Chimp Gives His First Press Conference / Paul Simms 100 My Dog Is Tom Cruise / Noah Baumbach t 104 Aesop in the City / Yoni Brenner 106 Monkey Do / Yoni Brenner , 109 Animal Tales / Simon Rich - 112 NO BU5INE55 LIKE 5HO¥ BU5INE55 Farewell, My Lovely Appetizer / S.J. Perelman 117 Early Morning of a Motion Picture Executive / Thomas Meehan 123 Hollywood in the Fifties / Garrison Keillor ' 126 Running Through the Wall / Frank Gannon •. • 129 The Envelope, Please: A Viewer's Guide to theEmmys I Jon Stewart 132 Theatre-Lobby Notices / Andy Borowitz • • . 135 Review / Patricia Marx . 136 Studio Script Notes on The Passion I Steve Martin 139 Why We Strike/ Larry Doyle , • 141 CONTENTS ARTI5T5 AND AUTHOR5 Theory and Practice of Editing New Yorker Articles / WolcottGibbs ' . V, 145 Life Cycle of a Literary Genius / E. B. White , ,150 Complete Guide for Book Reviewers / Ruth Suckqw 151 How to Tell a Major Poet from a Minor Poet / E. B. White . 154 The Metterling Lists / Woody Allen ." 158 Without Whose.Unfailing Encouragement I H.F. Ellis . 163 Jack Schmidt, Arts Administrator / Garrison Keillor . , 167 England Picks a Poet / Ian Frazier 175 Settling an Old Score / Veronica Geng 178 Unspoken O'Neill / Henry Alford .. , 183 Van Gogh in AOL / Noah Baumbach 185 Picasso Promoting Lady with a Fan I Steve Martin 189 Suitable for Framing / David Seddris -1J 191 Ideas for Paintings I Jack Handey "•"•"' 199 The Knowledge / Henry Alford ' 202 5ONG OF MY5ELF . The Little Hours / Dorothy Parker , 207 The Early Essays / Woody Allen 212 I Embrace the New Candor / George W. S. Trow . 215 Carbohydrates / Polly Frost 218 Shiksa Goddess / Wendy Wasserstein 222 Lowering My Standards / Jack Handey 224 Suffering Fools Gladly / Andy Boro^witz 226 An Announcement / Mark Singer 228 Pledge Drive / Patricia Marx . , 230 Thin Enough / Ian Frazier ,. •• ; . , 232 Awake /Jenny Allen '. r. :. 235 REAL IMITATION 5 A Visit from Saint Nicholas /James Thurber v : ' > 241 Intruder in the Dusk / Peter De Fries ' ^^ No Ka.dd.ish for Weinstein/Woody Allen 249 viii CONTENTS Rolled in Rare Bohemian Onyx, Then Vulcanized by Hand /Bruce McCall , 253 Oldfinger / Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely 256 The Last Catalogue I John Kenney 258 The Ethicist / Steve Martin 261 Under the Provencal Deadline I Bruce McCall 263 Jewelers' Caesar / Anthony Lane ' ' 265 Class Notes / Ian Frazier 268 Air Pockets I Bruce McCall \ i- , : 271 The Lonely Planet Guide to My Apartment I Jonathan Stern '• 273 Ask the Optimist! / George Saunders ' 276 TE5TAMENT5 AND DECLARATION'S The Diary of a Lady/ Dorothy Parker 291 The Secret Life of James Thurber /James Thurber, ,; 294 End of the Trail / Garrison Keillor : . ' • 300 My and Ed's Peace Proposals / Veronica Geng v 302 You Missed It / George W. S. Trow 304 A Man Who Can't Love / George W. S. Trow 306 How I'm Doing / David Owen 309 A Prayer/ Paul Simms . - . , 311 My Living Will I PaulRudnick , .314 What I'd Say to the Martians I Jack Handey , 316 This Is No Game/Jack Handey 318 Proclamation / George Saunders • • 320 THE GREAT AND THE GOOD { • r , .. A What, Another Legend? / Marshall Brickman '327 The New York Review of Gossip / Marshall Brickman * "• - 331 The Bloomsbury Group Live at the Apollo / Ian Frazier . 335 Kimberley Solzhenitsyn's Calendar / Ian Frazier 339 Record Roundup / Veronica Geng •;•--••-> 340 Babe Ruth: My Teammate, My Lover / RogerAngell ?>A'A Donald Rumsfeld Orders Breakfast at Denny's / Frank Gannon 346 What Would Jesus Test-Drive? / Jesse Lichtenstein •' v . 348 Intelligent Design I Paul Rudnick ••-•.• 351 Jeeves andW. / Christopher Buckley 354 CONTENTS EXPLANATIONS AND ADVISORIES So You're Going to New York I Robert Benchley 359 A Hard Day at the Office / Peter De Fries 361 A Look at Organized Crime/ Woody Allen 364 The People's Shopper / Garrison Keillor 368 Seek Dwellings for MX / Cathleen Schine 373 Side Effects /Steve Martin 375 Superstring Theory for Dummies / Zev Borow 377 Researchers Say/Ian Frazier 379 Brainteasers: The Aftermath / Don Steinberg 382 A Survey of the Literature / George Saunders 384 Your Table Is Ready I John Kenney 389 Pre-Approved for Platinum / Frank Gannon 391 May We Tell You Our Specials This Evening? / Larry Doyle 393 Getting Started / Bruce McCall 395 I'm Afraid I Have Some Bad News / Larry Doyle 397 How to Operate the Shower Curtain / Ian Frazier 399 PAST IMPERFECT No Starch in the Dhoti, S'il Vous Plait / S.J. Perelman 405 More, and Still More, Memories of the Nineteen-Twenties / MichaelJ.Arlen 412 The Pickwick Capers / Bruce McCall 415 The Gospel of Debbie /PaulRudnick 419 1992 House/BillyFrolick 421 Further Proof That Lincoln Was Gay / Paul Rudnick 424 FIELD NOTES FROM ALL OVER Show Dog / Susan Orlean 429 The Tired Chronicles / Betsy Berne 437 Paranoid Packaging I John Updike 439 Conscientious Consumption / David Brooks 441 The End Matter / Louis Menand 444 The Underminer / MikeAlbo and Virginia Heffernan 454 Model Citizens / Nancy Franklin 458 Space Case / Anthony Lane 462 CONTENTS PERSONAL HISTORY- - , : The Night the Bed Fell I James Thurber 469 The Huntress / Wolcott Gibbs 473 One/PeterDe Fries - 476 Disquiet, Please, We 're Turning! / S.J. Perelman 482 Confessions of a Standup Sausage Eater / Calvin Trillin 488 In the Waiting Room / David Sedaris ' 509 Tasteless / David Sedaris 514 Notes on Contributors 517.