quidnunc’s limerick Te Lord of Te Rings by ELECTED #1 QUIDNUNC KID Tree rings for the elves, full of might; Dwarves seven, men nine - that sounds right! And one for their Lord? Sure! He lives down in Mordor - Where the shadows (and weather) are shite. quidnunc’s limerick Te Lord of Te Rings a fair use satire in limericks (with apologies to J. R. R. TOLKIEN and everyone) by ELECTED #1 QUIDNUNC KID the internet, metafilter.com August 2016 limerick The Lord of The Rings THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING Book I 1 An Unexpected Party Bilbo’s practical jokes are the worst! On his birthday (eleventy-frst) It was rude, crass and queer Tat he should disappear Before all of his guests had dispersed. 2 Te Shadow of the Past Now Frodo’s just mindin’ his biz When visited by a grey Wiz: “Must destroy Bilbo’s ring ’Tis an evil old thing! And Sauron be thinkin’ it’s his.” 3 Tree is Company Black Riders approach, and they’re seedy, It’s time to depart - let’s be speedy! Frodo’s of on his trip With brave comrade Pip! And with Sam (who’s all whiny and needy). 1 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 4 A Short-Cut to Mushrooms Farmer Maggot is really polite To’ you pilfered his mushrooms one night ’Twas all done long ago So chillax, Fro-bro. Oh Hi, Merry! - You gave us a fright! 5 A Conspiracy Unmasked “So, guys, there’s a thing you should know,” Says our hero, “I’m planning to go…” His buddies just smile ‘Cos they knew all the while “Yeah, we’re all coming with you too, Fro”. 6 Te Old Forest In the forest, a branch for a pillow, Means waking up inside a willow. We need an old timer, A magical rhymer - Tank Manwë, here’s Tom Bombadillo! 2 limerick The Lord of The Rings 7 In the House of Tom Bombadil Te “oldest and fatherless” Tommy Tells tales and makes jokes with aplomb! He Don’t want rings of power, He loves trees and fowers! I think he’s some kind of weird commie? 8 Fog on the Barrow-Downs Evil wights almost capture and kill Our brave hobbits; but Tom Bombadil (Once again) saves the day Soon they’re on their way With Fro stylin’ himself “Underhill”1. 9 At the Sign of the Prancing Pony At the “Pony,” the Hobbits are singin’, And downin’ the ale that they’re bringin’! Fro’s fnger gets stuck In the ring! Awful luck, But one shouldn’t be drinkin’ and ringin’. 3 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 10 Strider Te boys gets an ofer from Strider To act as a helper and guider. Taking Gandalf’s advice (sent by post) that he’s nice Tey avoid getting caught by Black Riders. 11 A Knife in the Dark On Weathertop, things turned out sour: Missed Gandalf; the weather was dour. Te Nazgûl were grabby And at Frodo, stabby! His wound’s looking worse by the hour. 12 Flight to the Ford Poor Frodo comes-to, with a sliver Of Morgul-blade in him. His liver Can’t help him de-tox - He’s got Nazgûl pox! Better wash them away in a river. 4 limerick The Lord of The Rings Book II 1 Many Meetings Poor Frodo should feel better soon In Riverdell, Elrond’s commune. Here’s a dwarf, there’s an elf, And here’s Gandalf himself! Come on Bilbo, now give us a tune2! 2 Te Council of Elrond So many new faces need greeting, So Elrond says: “Schedule a meeting!” After much talking Tey settle on walking To Mordor (to fy would be cheating). 5 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 3 Te Ring Goes South Say, Frodo - who’s going with you Into Mordor? “A man, maybe two - Plus Gandalf (of course), An elf and a dwarf, And all of my mad Hobbit crew”. 4 A Journey in the Dark Now Gandalf can see friendly signs: “Let’s try Khazad-dûm – no, it’s fne!” Ten they read up on Balin3 Who wrote (with hope failin’) “May be Moria, but it ain’t mine.” 5 Te Bridge of Khazad-dûm Walking through Khazad-dûm is insane: Orcs are scary, and so’s Durin’s-Bane. Gandalf says, “None shall pass!” Ten gets kicked in the ass: “Fly you fools!” (does he mean - take a plane?) 6 limerick The Lord of The Rings 6 Lothlórien Gandalf gone? It’s so sad! Our tears stream - Seems we’re now minus one from our team. And Elves who think dimly Of people like Gimli Lead us on in some kind of a dream… 7 Te Mirror of Galadriel Check Galadriel out - she’s so fair! Wise and ancient, with really nice hair. In her mirror, you’ll see Stuf that may come to be. All should love her, but all might despair. 8 Farewell to Lórien A Gal can be trusted, who delves Into minds, to show people themselves. And all moods are lifted When presents are gifted But let’s go, I’m sick of these Elves! 7 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 9 Te Great River A river - so we can go boating! On Anduin’s waves we’ll be foating. Tere’s statues of kings (Seems like Boromir’s thing, ‘Cos for Gondor he’s always emoting). 10 Te Breaking of the Fellowship Two groups of Orcs are a wake-up - To battle! Our arms we should take-up! Ten an envious leer From our friend Boromir T’ward the ring means it’s time that we break-up. 8 limerick The Lord of The Rings THE TWO TOWERS Book III 1 Te Departure of Boromir Foul deeds interrupted the walk Into Mordor. Let Aragorn talk: “Boromir’s dead, And Frodo has fed - But fuck that shit. Let’s hunt some Orc!” 2 The Riders of Rohan Tis plan to hunt down Orcish forces Is one that Eomer endorses! His men are quite grave - Tey’re bold and they’re brave, And suspiciously fond of their horses. 9 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 3 Te Uruk-Hai But what about Merry and Pip? Why, they’re held in the enemy’s grip! But two types of Goblin Will always start squabblin’ So it’s easy to give ‘em the slip. 4 Treebeard To throw all those Orcs of their scent Pip and Merry go visit an Ent! He’s a beardy old coot Who loves a long moot But can’t recall where his wife went. 5 Te White Rider Te mixed team of dwarf, elf and fghter (Whose diversity makes ‘em much brighter) Find Gandalf returned But are slightly concerned Tat his power’s consid’rably whiter. 10 limerick The Lord of The Rings 6 Te King of the Golden Hall Téoden King’s feeling germy - Some illness has made his brain squirmy! But Gandalf will cure him If he can lure him Of his dependence on Wormy. 7 Helm’s Deep Helm’s Deep - and, yeah, Helm is quite wide. Tere’s lots of room in which to hide: But Orcs want a fght So we battle all night Until Gandalf turns up for our side. 8 Te Road to Isengard Now we’re of on the road to Orthanc! It’s impregnable (much like a bank). But wait, it’s been sacked By an Entish attack! Seems Saruman’s threat was just wank. 11 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 9 Flotsam and Jetsam So, Merry and Pip, tell your tale - What forces made Isengard fail? “Well, the Ents got quite mad Wrecked the place. It’s too bad! But we’ve got some pipe-weed to inhale!” 10 Te Voice of Saruman “Hey, Saruman!” (our Gandalf calls) “Someone smashed up your citadel’s halls!” Although he’s no quitter, Ol’ S-man is bitter! And drops one of his glassy balls. 11 Te Palantír In a Palantír, one shouldn’t look - Sauron can read you like a book! But Pippin is naughty And makes Gandalf haughty - He’s one fucking fool of a Took. 12 limerick The Lord of The Rings Book IV 1 Te Taming of Smeagol Frodo and Sam mustn’t mope - Tey’re stuck on a dangerous slope! And Gollum’s applied To act as their guide As long as he’s tied up with rope. 2 Te Passage of the Marshes Our travellers go for a romp Trough a creepy and dangerous swamp! Tere’s no time for cooking Te Nazgûl are looking And they’ve hardly a mouthful to chomp. 13 Elected #1 Quidnunc Kid 3 Te Black Gate is Closed Te Black Gate is closed - what a pity! No way in to Sauron’s dark city. But Gollum is sure Tere’s one other door - Hope his back entrance isn’t too shitty4. 4 Of Herbs and Stewed Rabbit Quick stop for a meal, let’s have stew! Better make some for Faramir’s crew: Tey’re wary of strangers, And troubled by dangers: Orcs, Southrons and elephants, too. 5 Te Window on the West Frodo Baggins, who’s under arrest, Is grilled by a man of the west: “So tell me why, Fro, You hated my bro? I thought he was one of the best!” 14 limerick The Lord of The Rings 6 Te Forbidden Pool Gollum’s fshing in of-limits pools Tus breaking all Faramir’s rules! Frodo gives an excuse: “He’s a child of abuse! Blame the ring, or his parents, or schools!” 7 Journey to the Cross-Roads Te journey to Mordor’s a killer - But this part ain’t much of a thriller.