Star Trek: TNG Christmas Special PICARD, the captain TROI, the ship's counselor BEVERLY, the doctor WORF, the Klingon warrior DATA, the android RIKER, the first officer LAFORGE, (reading rainbow guy) chief engineer GRINJ, the thieving Ferengi COMPUTER, one line TSINDEELU, young villager MOMMY, older villager RANDOM CREWMEMBER, bit part with killer joke SCENE 1 - Bridge [Theme] [SFX Enterprise engine hum] [PICARD, RIKER and DATA are on the bridge.] Picard Captain’s log, Stardate 41224.9. We have tracked the fugitive Ferengi thief Grinj to the icy third planet in the Hovillian system. He has been a thorn in Starfleet’s side for some time, and I look forward to bringing him to justice at last. [SFX door opening] Riker Captain on the bridge! Picard Report please, number one. Riker The planet’s strong magnetic field is scrambling our sensors, but we suspect that he’s encamped in one of the caverns near the planet’s primary settlement. Picard The Hovillians have not yet made first contact. We must ensure that neither we nor Grinj are detected. Data Captain. According to previous research on this civilisation, the Hovillians will be celebrating an annual gift-giving festival tomorrow. I believe it is likely that Grinj intends to disrupt this celebration and steal the inhabitants’ gifts. Picard Agreed. Can our transporters work through the interference? Data Negative. An away team would require a shuttle to reach the surface. Picard Understood. Number One, I want you to find that Ferengi and arrest him before it’s too late. Bring Commander Laforge. Whatever you do, don’t allow yourselves to be spotted by the Hovillians. Riker Aye, Captain. Laforge to Shuttle Bay 2! [SFX Door opening and closing.] SCENE 2 - Ten Forward [SFX Engine hum, murmurs, glasses tinkling, etc.] [TROI, BEVERLEY and WORF are having drinks.] Troi [we join her as she’s finishing a story] … Parson Brown was very surprised to learn that Betazoid weddings are done completely naked! [BEVERLEY chuckles politely] ​ ​ Worf I do not see the humour in unfortunate misunderstandings. Troi And Beverly, what about you? Normally you would have been rolling on the floor! Beverly Oh, I guess I’m just not myself today. Troi I’m sensing intense nostalgia from you. Beverly It’s this planet we’re visiting. The snow, the festival...It reminds me of Christmas back home! (Sighs) Well, I’d better get ​ ​ back to Sick Bay. [Pause while she leaves] Troi I wonder if we can give her a celebration here, just like back on Earth. Worf, you grew up on Earth - do you remember Christmas? Worf I witnessed several festive customs, yes. I recall an emphasis on the giving of dull but practical gifts, and the consumption of large quantities of alcohol. Troi That sounds ... pleasant. Worf On the contrary. I used to hear stories of children being gifted two front teeth, perhaps for those they had lost in combat. At this time of year, a pah-wraith would visit humans and frighten them into performing good deeds. Troi A pah-wraith?! As in the evil Bajoran spirits? Worf An entity similar to that, yes. It was corpulent, red as fire, and could see into peoples’ souls. Troi Well I’m not sure what’s so appealing about this, but let’s give Beverly her Christmas party! SCENE 3 - Surface of Hovillia 3 [SFX Tricorder noises, blizzardy wind blowing] [GEORDI LAFORGE and RIKER confront GRINJ.] Laforge Commander. My tricorder’s picking up a life form coming from the direction of the settlement. Riker That might be our Ferengi friend. Let’s take cover in this cave. [SFX echo-y footsteps] Laforge Look! Piles of wrapped gifts everywhere! Grinj must have stolen these from the Hovillians! Riker He’s coming! Take cover! [Pause] Grinj I hope I swiped another can of Who Hash. It’s even better than pre-chewed grub worms. Riker Hold it right there, Grinj. LaForge How could you steal from innocent people like this? Grinj The 34th rule of acquisition: control the moneybox and you'll control the world. Riker This guy is as charming as an eel. LaForge The three words that best describe him are stink, stank, stunk! We’ll never be able to return all this stuff before the Hovillians wake up! Riker Hm...You there, Geordi, what stardate is it? LaForge Why, it's stardate 41225.1, sir. Riker The Ferengi must have worked his magic in one night. Perhaps there’s still time for us! SCENE 4 - Plotting Christmas [TROI, DATA and WORF are in Beverly’s quarters. COMPUTER has one line.] Troi Thank you for helping us set up the Christmas party, Data. Data It is my pleasure, Counsellor. Certain human traditions are difficult for my programming to grasp. I believe that it is necessary to experience them first hand in order to understand. Troi How are things coming along? Data I have placed decorations in keeping with the “Holiday spirit”: an uprooted pine tree from the arboretum, a candelabra with exactly nine candles, and a parasitic plant commonly referred to as mistletoe. I cannot say that I am any closer to understanding these customs. Troi The tree smells so nice. Maybe we should add a few more to balance the room. Worf Here is a cask of Blood Wine from 2309, a good year! Data Commander Worf, are you sure the instructions you sent me are accurate? I found 12 volunteers willing to drum, but I could not find 6 ovulating geese among the ship’s cargo. Troi I’m sure we have enough birds already, between the french hens, the calling birds, and that partridge. Data I wonder if they were meant to be alive… Troi Well, I suppose all that’s left is for us to make Christmas dinner! Worf [to replicator] ​ ​ Computer. One Turkey. Cooked. Computer Specify parameters: Carving, stuffing, dressing. Troi Oh! I wasn’t aware of these options. Perhap carve... a bust of Beverly? Worf Stuff it with Gagh, still wiggling. Data We will be dressed in casual attire. SCENE 5 - Hovillia 3 Surface [RIKER and LAFORGE plan with PICARD] Riker Brr, I’m glad we’re back inside. Okay, Grinj, you’re staying right here till we can get you to the ship’s brig. Geordi, can we use the shuttle’s transporter to return those gifts without being spotted? [SFX pressing buttons] ​ LaForge Negative, Commander. The magnetic interference is still too strong. Riker Ideas? LaForge Well…if we could create a heavy blizzard, we could fly the shuttle right into town, unseen. Riker That just might work. We’ll need help from the Enterprise for that. Laforge [SFX pressing buttons] Boosting our comms to reach them. ​ [louder] Laforge to Enterprise? ​ Picard We read you, Commander. LaForge Captain, we need to get the shuttle into the settlement unseen. I suggest seeding the stratosphere with sulfate aerosols to cause a hibernal precipitation event. That should provide us with adequate cover to return these stolen goods. Picard Understood, Geordi. Ensign Crusher? [pause] Make it snow. ​ ​ SCENE 6 - Showing Beverley [DATA, WORF, and TROI welcome BEVERLEY into her quarters.] Worf Mel’ kal’kimaka! I believe that is the Klingon way to say Merry Christmas to you. Beverly Oh what's this! A Christmas party? Oh this is wonderful! Troi We know you've been kind of down lately, so sit down and enjoy the festivities. Data Doctor, you happen to be under the “mistletoe“ so now we are required to kiss. Lucky for you I am fully functional in 47 styles of kissing. Beverly Oh, um, Data, that's very sweet, but… Troi [tactfully] ​ ​ Data, why don’t we have some eggnog instead? Worf Nog! A Ferengi drink? [Slams fist on table.] No thank you! ​ ​ Beverly This music is ... nice. What is it? Worf It is the war theme from the Klingon opera Aktuh and Maylota. It ​ ​ celebrates the slaying of enemies during a winter campaign. Beverly Oh. That's not very festive… Worf On the contrary, I recall many Christmas songs about slaying in the snow. Data Doctor, I present to you the centrepiece: the holiday turkey. Worf The gagh has burst from inside! At least it is still writhing. [Slurping sound.] Beverly I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me. [Door opens and ​ closes.] Data Perhaps we ought to cancel the nine ladies dancing? SCENE 7 - Away Team completes mission [SFX blizzard; ambient shuttle noise] [RIKER and LAFORGE almost get caught by the villagers TSINDEELU and MOMMY] Riker Well, thanks to the Hovillians’ excellent labelling, I’ve worked out which gifts belong in each dwelling. We’re all set, Geordi. LaForge Okay Commander. It looks like all the dwellings have rooftop ventilation holes. That’s your best point of entry. I’m manoeuvring to the first roof now. Riker Opening shuttle door. [SFX whoosh of wind. Cuts abruptly.] [SFX snoring] Tsindeelu [the voice of a young child] Mommy, wake up! I think I saw a ​ ghost! Mommy [groggily] What did it look like, Tsindeelu? ​ Tsindeelu Well, he was dressed in red, had a beard on his chin and a big bundle on his back, and he came down the chimney! Mommy You were probably dreaming, sweetie. Go back to bed. [SFX ambient shuttle noise] Riker Okay, Geordi, that’s the last of the gifts returned! LaForge Do you think you were spotted? Riker One child saw me, but she wasn’t more than 2. Let’s head back to the Enterprise. As soon as we dock, we’ll transport Grinj here straight to the Brig. LaForge Yes sir.