Iowa State University Capstones, Theses and Graduate Theses and Dissertations Dissertations 2013 Maintaining commitment in long-lasting mixed- orientation relationships: Gay men married to straight women Kevin John Zimmerman Iowa State University Follow this and additional works at: https://lib.dr.iastate.edu/etd Part of the Family, Life Course, and Society Commons, and the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Studies Commons Recommended Citation Zimmerman, Kevin John, "Maintaining commitment in long-lasting mixed-orientation relationships: Gay men married to straight women" (2013). Graduate Theses and Dissertations. 13464. https://lib.dr.iastate.edu/etd/13464 This Dissertation is brought to you for free and open access by the Iowa State University Capstones, Theses and Dissertations at Iowa State University Digital Repository. It has been accepted for inclusion in Graduate Theses and Dissertations by an authorized administrator of Iowa State University Digital Repository. For more information, please contact [email protected]. i Maintaining commitment in long-lasting mixed-orientation relationships: Gay men married to straight women by Kevin J. Zimmerman A dissertation submitted to the graduate faculty in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY Major: Human Development and Family Studies Program of Study Committee: Timothy Griesdorn, Co-major Professor Susan Stewart, Co-major Professor Carolyn Cutrona Clinton Gudmunson Anthony Santiago Iowa State University Ames, Iowa 2013 Copyright © Kevin J. Zimmerman, 2013. All rights reserved. ii DEDICATION This dissertation is dedicated to the couples who let me into their lives by being willing to talk with me, a stranger to them, about some of the most intimate and personal aspects of their lives. They gave a couple hours of their lives to contribute to this research, and I spent many days with their words as I transcribed, read, analyzed, interpreted, reported, and discussed their stories. Although each story is unique, I have learned a great deal about the nature of successful, long-lasting, mixed-orientation relationships, and I hope that the insights that I have gained and discuss herein can in some measure recompense my participants for their willing involvement in this study. I also dedicate this dissertation to mixed-orientation couples. May your closest relationships be filled with authenticity and love. iii TABLE OF CONTENTS LIST OF TABLES........................................................................................................................ vii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS ........................................................................................................... viii ABSTRACT................................................................................................................................... iv CHAPTER 1. INTRODUCTION Background and Context..................................................................................................... 1 Statement of Purpose and Research Questions................................................................... 3 Assumptions........................................................................................................................ 4 The Researcher.................................................................................................................... 5 Rationale and Significance ................................................................................................. 7 Definitions of Terminology ................................................................................................ 8 CHAPTER 2. LITERATURE REVIEW Overview........................................................................................................................... 10 Mixed-Orientation Relationships...................................................................................... 11 Reasons for Entering the Relationship.................................................................. 11 Protective Factors.................................................................................................. 12 Challenges to the Relationship.............................................................................. 15 Studies of Couples ................................................................................................ 17 Theory & Models.............................................................................................................. 23 Social Exchange Theory ....................................................................................... 24 Commitment Models ............................................................................................ 27 Queer Theory ........................................................................................................ 31 Summary........................................................................................................................... 32 CHAPTER 3. METHODOLOGY Overview........................................................................................................................... 33 Rationale for Qualitative Research Design....................................................................... 33 Rationale for a Phenomenological Approach ................................................................... 34 Overview of Research Design .......................................................................................... 35 IRB approval......................................................................................................... 36 Sampling procedure .............................................................................................. 36 Data collection methods........................................................................................ 39 Methods of data analysis and synthesis ................................................................ 43 Ethical Considerations ...................................................................................................... 46 Trustworthiness................................................................................................................. 47 Limitations of the Research Design.................................................................................. 51 Chapter Summary ............................................................................................................. 52 CHAPTER 4. RESULTS The Couples ...................................................................................................................... 53 Overall Participant Characteristics ................................................................................... 59 iv Overview of the Findings.................................................................................................. 65 Finding 1—Reasons for Marriage .................................................................................... 70 Love for Spouse .................................................................................................... 70 Clicked ...................................................................................................... 71 Physical Attraction.................................................................................... 71 Personality................................................................................................. 73 Common Interests ..................................................................................... 74 Finding 2—Coming Out ................................................................................................... 75 Gay Identity Development.................................................................................... 75 Bisexuality as a Transition to Gay Identity............................................... 77 Pornography.............................................................................................. 78 Sex with Men ............................................................................................ 79 Turmoil Pre-Disclosure......................................................................................... 80 Sense of Relief ...................................................................................................... 82 Wives’ Emotional Reactions to Coming Out........................................................ 83 Fear of Abandonment ............................................................................... 84 Acceptance............................................................................................................ 85 Turning Points........................................................................................... 86 Finding 3—Strengths of the Relationship......................................................................... 90 Love for Partner .................................................................................................... 90 Love for Relationship ........................................................................................... 92 Sources of Support................................................................................................ 95 Family ....................................................................................................... 95 Friends....................................................................................................... 97 Online.....................................................................................................