THE PRODUCERS Lyrics as in Film 1 “OPENING NIGHT” First Nighters But never like this! Max Chorus men Ahhhhh! We can do it, we can do it, Opening night... Max Bialystock has done it We can do it, me and you. again! We can do it, we can do it, Chorus women We can make our dreams Opening night... First Nighters come true. The songs were rotten, Chorus The book was stinkin', Max It's opening night! What he did to Everything you've ever Shakespeare, wanted Usherettes Booth did to Lincoln! Is just waiting to be had. It's Max Bialystock's latest Beautiful girls, wearing show, Workman nothing but pearls, Will it flop or will it go? We had this made up Caressing you, undressing The cast is taking its final special for Max you, bow, Bialystock… And driving you mad! Here comes the audience Ha, ha, ha. now! Leo The doors are open; First Nighters No! They're on their way... We couldn't leave faster... Let's hear what they have Max to say! Usherettes Bloom! Bloom, wait a What a disaster! minute now. Hear me out. Men First Nighters Just think about it. He's done it again, First Nighters We can do it, we can do it, He's done it again. We are still in shock, This is not the time to shirk. Who produced this We can do it, you won't rue Women First Nighters schlock? it, Max Bialystock has done it That slimy, sleazy Max Say goodbye to petty clerk. again! Bialystock! Hi, producer; yes, What a bum! producer, First Nighters I mean you, sir, go berserk! We can't believe it, We can do it, we can do it, You can't conceive it... “WE CAN DO IT” And I know it's gonna work! Whatta ya say, Bloom? Man First Nighter Max How'd he achieve it? What did Lewis say to Leo Clark What do I say? First Nighters When everything looked Finally a chance to be a It's the worst show in town! bleak? Broadway producer! We sat there sighing, What did Sir Edmund say What do I say? Groaning and crying, to Tenzing as Finally a chance to make There's no denying, They struggled towards my dreams come true, sir! It's the worst show in town! Everest's peak? What do I say, what do I What did Washington say say, All First Nighters to his troops Here's what I say to you, Oh, we wanted to stand up As they crossed the sir... and hiss… Delaware? I can't do it, I can't do it. I’m sure you're well I can't do it, that's not me. Men First Nighters aware... I’m a loser, I’m a coward, We've seen shit... I’m a chicken, don't you Leo see? What'd they say? THE PRODUCERS Lyrics as in Film 2 When it comes to wooing I can't do it! With a hit show on women, Max Broadway. There's a few things that I We can do it! Leo I wanna be a producer, lack. I can't do it! Lunch at Sardi's every day. Beautiful girls, wearing Max I wanna be a producer, nothing but pearls, We can! Sport a top hat and a cane. Chasing me, embracing I wanna be a producer me, Leo And drive those chorus I'd have an attack. Cannot, cannot, cannot, girls insane! cannot, Cabbie Cannot, cannot do it, Leo / Chorus Girls Where to? 'Cause I know it's gonna I wanna be a producer / fail. Ooh! Leo And sleep until half-past Central park… gotta two. breathe, gotta breathe. “I WANNA BE A PRODUCER” Chorus Girls Max / Leo Ooh! We can do it, / Mr. Accountants Bialystock, Unhappy...unhappy...very Leo / Chorus Girls We can do it... / Please unhappy. I wanna be a producer / stop the song, Unhappy...unhappy...very Ooh! We can / You've got me very very And say, "You, you, you... wrong, Very very very very Not you". Grab / I'll say "so long", unhappy... That / I’m not as strong Leo / Chorus Girls Holy grail! / A person as Leo & Accountants I wanna be a producer, / you think! Unhappy...unhappy... Ooh! We can do it, / Mr. Very very very very very Wear a tux on op'ning Bialystock, very night! We can do it.../ Just take a Very...unhappy. look, Leo / Chorus Girls Drink / I’m not a crook, Leo I wanna be a producer / Champagne / I’m just a I spend my life accounting, Aaaaaah! shnook, With figures and such. And see my name "Leo Not / The bottom line Bloom" in lights! Ginger ale! / Is that I stink. Accountants I...can't...do...it! Unhappy. Chorus Girls Come on, Leo, Aaaaaah! Can't you see-o... Leo He wants to be a producer To what is my life Of a great big Broadway Leo amounting? smash! You see Rio, I see jail! It figures, not much. He wants to be a producer, Driver, stop! Ev'ry pocket stuffed with Here! Accountants cash! Unhappy. He wants to be a producer, Max Pinch our cheeks 'til we We can do it! Leo Leo cry. I can't do it! I have a secret desire Max Hiding deep in my soul. Chorus Girl #1 We can do it! Leo It sets my heart afire Ouch! I can't do it! To see me in this role... Max I wanna be a producer Chorus Girl #2 We can do it! Leo Eek! THE PRODUCERS Lyrics as in Film 3 Enthrall 'em, certified public asshole! Chorus Girl #3 Here’s my visor, my Dixon Ooh! Leo & Chorus Girls Ticonderoga number two Read my name in pencil… and my big finish! Chorus Girl #4 Winchell's column. I’m gonna be a producer! Oh! Leo Chorus Girls Chorus Girl #5 I wanna be a producer, He's gonna be a producer! Aah! 'Cause it's everything I’m not. Leo & Chorus Girls Chorus Girl #6 Look out Broadway... Yes! Accountants Unhappy...unhappy... Leo Chorus Girls 'Cause, here I come! He wants to be a producer Leo With a great big casting I wanna be a producer. couch! “DER GUTEN TAG HOP- Ooh! Accountants CLOP” Very, very, unhappy, Leo unhappy. Franz I wanna be... Eins, zwei, drei... Chorus Girls Leo Guten tag hop hop, He wants to I wanna be a produc… Guten tag clop clop, be... Ach du leiber Leo Leo / Accountants Und oh boy! I wanna be... Wait a minute, wait a Guten tag clap clap, Chorus Girls minute! / Very…very… Guten tag slap slap, He wants to Hold everything! / Ach du lieber be... Unhappy…unhappy… Vat a joy! Leo Hold everything! What am Oh, ve essen und fressen I wanna be the greatest, I doing here? Und tanzen und trinken, grandest, Tanzen und trinken And most fabulous Leo Until ve get stinkin'! producer in the world. Mr. Bialystock was right! Everybody! There is a lot more to me Chorus Girls than there is to me. Stop Franz, Max & Leo He's gotta dine with a the world, I wanna get on! Guten tag hop hop, duchess and a duke. Guten tag clop clop... Marks Leo What the hell is going on Franz I just gotta be a producer, here? Do I smell the Guten tag Drink champagne until I revolting stench of self- Mein liebe schatz. puke. esteem? Bloom, where do So ve hop our hops, you think you’re going? Und ve clop our clops, Chorus Girls You already had your toilet Und ve drink our schnapps Drink champagne 'til he break! 'Til ve plotz! pukes! Leo Pigeons (in background) Leo I’m not going into the toilet! Coo coo coo coo…. I wanna be a producer, I’m going into show Show the world just what business! Mr. Marks, I got Franz I've got. news for you: I quit! And Vunderbar! Gentlemen, I’m gonna put on shows you’re right about one you may produce my play. that will thing: you are a C.P.A. – a THE PRODUCERS Lyrics as in Film 4 Carmen Shirley ...if he winds up with mom! ...and tits! “KEEP IT GAY” Roger Carmen Max Keep it gay... And the rule is, when Then you'll do it? mounting a Carmen Play… Roger Keep it gay... Do it? Of course not. It’s Roger, Carmen, & Team not my kind of thing. I Roger & Carmen Keep it funny, keep it mean, Max, please World Keep it gay! sunny, keep War Two? Ooooh. Too It gay! dark, too depressing... Roger This is my set designer, Roger Roger Bryan. I see a line of beautiful girls The theatre's so obsessed Dressed as stormtroopers, With dramas so depressed, Bryan each one a gem. It's hard to sell a ticket on Hello. With leather boots and Broadway. Keep it mad, keep it glad, whips on their hips, Shows should be more keep it gay! It's risque, dare I say, S. pretty, And M.! Shows should be more Roger witty, Here's my costume Carmen & Team Shows should be more... designer, Kevin. Love it! What's the word? Kevin Roger Leo Hello. I see German soldiers Gay? Keep it happy, keep it dancing through France, snappy, keep it gay! Played by chorus boys in Roger very tight pants. Exactly! Bryan & Kevin And wait, there's more – No matter what you do on We're clever, creative, they’ll win the war! the stage It's our job to see And the dances they do will Keep it light, keep it bright, That ev'rything's perfect be daring and new, keep it gay! For Mr.