TThhee BBoottttoomm LLiinnee June 2005 A Publication of The Intergroup Association of Debtor's Anonymous Editor’s Notes Opening a Channel to God Hi, Folks, A week after celebrating a year of solven- for work. The stark fact that I alone was cy I lost it by overdrafting my checking responsible for my prosperity and solven- D.A. is the most incredi- account. Overspending had never been cy enraged me. I secretly wished to be ble experience of my my poison, but a propensity to under- carried off to a place where I wouldn’t strange and wonderful earn made me a debtor by default. have to be awake and responsible for my life & it’s miracles keep Truthfully, the overdraft was a relief. In life. Step work with my sponsor shone coming every day! the weeks prior I felt like I was trying to the light on the futility of the situation: I hold up a collapsing ceiling. Losing my needed to go to work and I couldn’t. My My solvent husband and solvency left me no choice but to accept own fear paralyzed me. My easy income I just gave our daughter that this disease is more powerful than enabled me. The situation was hope- the gift of her first year in me. less. My best efforts only made matters a private High School worse. I felt the realization of powerless- and this is a major mira- Last year my life was very different— ness for the first time. Under my own cle of faith. The public money came to me abundantly and steam, I was screwed. I needed a mira- schools in our area of effortlessly. I got paid to open my mail- cle if I was going to make it through. Pennsylvania are good box, receiving regular residual checks for but it didn’t work out for commercial work. I was able to quit my I began to understand what DA people our child. For years we exhausting survival job and try on a dif- meant when they credited the admission believed we couldn’t ferent lifestyle. I made plans to get of powerlessness as the wellspring of afford private school. another job and put the residuals into a hope. There was nothing else to do but But now we asked HP to prudent reserve. I promised that I would give up on my plan, turn to God and say, help us find the best be responsible and wise with my “I’m out of ideas, what do you got?” I school for her and we finances. With money flowing in, I felt was about to sink financially, but I began put our faith in the belief like everything would be ok forever. I to think in terms of radical acceptance: that the $$ would come. had arrived. what if this too were part of God’s loving The perfect school plan? “Resist not” came to me in medi- showed up & we paid for Though I enjoyed my new freedom, I tation. ‘If you find that you’re falling, it! We got creative & quickly felt the itchiness and boredom of dive.” A recovering AA with 20-some- even produced a concert underemployment. I felt apart from the thing years of sobriety once told me that as a tuition fundraiser. rest of the world who had to work daily. a short version of the 3rd step prayer The amount we raised at I wouldn’t let myself enjoy or even was “F—- it.” That sounded a hell of lot the concert was exactly acknowledge my income. I felt like I did- easier than “fight everything”. Why not what we needed to finish n’t deserve it. I viewed the ease at which give up? I was digging a hole for myself, paying off the years I earned it as something criminal, and if dropping the shovel certainly wouldn’t tuition. But I don’t have people knew this they would abandon me make anything worse. Would I debt? to tell you about how the in a jealous huff. I craved meaningful Perhaps, but intuitively I knew that I’d be exact amount always work, but the longer I was jobless, the ok, because I was putting my life in seems to show up, do I? more I feared going back to work. I God’s hands. I decided to surrender all, Just a reminder -- send rationalized this fear by telling myself to my disease as well as my recovery. your D.A. experience that all work was time-demanding and strength and hope as soul-sucking. Yet I also agonized over I began to listen to my intuition. That text in the body of an the future. What would happen when I voice that I mistrusted and ignored my email to stopped receiving my checks? I felt whole life was now my master, my bottomline@danyc. myself in a strait-jacket of underearning, source, my director. I took the risk of org. Or send typed or exhausted by the mental struggle. obeying it instead of my ego-driven head. handwritten submissions I practiced contrary action, especially to: Bottom Line Just as I unwittingly planned, the day when I was in fear. Instead of acting on 420 Wyncoop Ct. arrived when the checks stopped coming, the old instinct of pushing harder when Holland, PA 18966. the funds were low and, under the threat something wasn’t going my way, I just Editorial Policy is on the of debting, I had no choice but to look completely dropped the ball and walked back page of this publication. The Intergroup Association of Debtor's Anonymous of Greater New York Peace & Prosperity, P.O. Box 452 Grand Central Station New York, NY 10163 917- 319- 2819 www.danyc.org Gretchen The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals who gave them and do not represent D.A. as a whole. the other way. That shortened had just taken it to heart. and the positive, abundant thoughts 2 3rd step prayer came in handy increased. My life began to reflect when I needed encouraging! The fear dropped from my shoulders. the internal changes. Work, love, My old, stubborn beliefs softened. abundance came to me. I did fall a bit, I did debt, but an The gripping feeling in my chest loos- amazing thing happened. When I let ened. I saw indeed that my problem I’m still working toward solvency and go of my ladder, falling backwards, I had truly been spiritual, that I had greater abundance, but I’m also living landed in the invisible safety net of organized my life around beliefs of the awesome creation of a new God’s care, one that wouldn’t have lack and limitation. Step work recovery on God’s terms. I don’t existed to me unless I needed to be revealed these old ideas and put a struggle. I keep my arms at my sides caught. That leap of faith was invig- bit of breathing room between them and move my feet only as my Higher orating, freeing—it made me feel and my true self. I saw that I had the Power directs me. I am responsible alive. Had God been there the whole option to believe something differ- for keeping an open channel to God, time and I just hadn’t trusted Him? ent—it wasn’t too late to literally remaining flexible and teachable. Had I really built my life on a founda- change my mind. My mind was a What a satisfying way to live! I had tion of fear and control when I didn’t laboratory of new thinking experi- tried to build a structure of recovery need to? I felt like I had discovered ments. What if the universe respond- by my own willpower. The thing the pot of gold at the end of the rain- ed to my desires without argument? stood for a while, just barely, but the bow. I wanted to run down the street What if everything in my life were second an unexpected breeze came and tell everyone “This is it! This is there to love me? What if I were along, it toppled over. Today God the secret that we’ve all been looking responsible for calling forth every creates a more beautiful and bounti- for! Just let go, don’t try, stop push- detail in my life? My old, limiting ful life than I could have ever ing. Rest and listen for direction.” Of beliefs put up a fight—they knew they designed. I live that trust daily. I let course, I’d been hearing about sur- were going extinct and, since they it happen to me. Thank you, God render to God even before I stepped once protected me, they feared for and DA. into the 12-step rooms. This was not my safety. I adamantly kept my a new theory, but rather one that I attention on the solution, however, — A.L. Remembering John H In the Spring of 1982 I told my prayer needs taken care of on a cash basis I to write the meeting format. Almost group at Church that my expenses felt like a millionaire. Income coming everything they did was a group were more than my income. A mem- in, I did not have to wonder about process. The meeting list and pam- ber said “New York has everything”. how to take care of myself. It was all phlets began. She gave me the number for Debtors laid out in my spending plan.