ISSUE 9 Feb/Mar 1999 NEW! NAKED It’s been at least a YEAR In the news ell it was an exciting kind of year. What with the World Cup, you will virtually be able to do the the onset of Digital TV, the rise of the Internet and the week’s shopping and have it delivered TWINS! whole world getting mobile phones [If that sounds like a by a small virtuous mechanoid (see W 1). This will continue as you adorn techies dream then hold on, we’re going somewhere with this…] your virtual helmet and have a virtual So as we hurtle headlong into the new millennium, Madhatters night out. And what better way than takes an in depth look at how the future will change our lives for- to finish off with a virtual kebab… or ever. a curry, perhaps? ROBOTS - There will be robots and they will do everything from taking the ENTERTAINMENT - Never go to the dog for a walk to ironing and stuff. theatre or cinema again as you digital- SPACE 1999…erm, THIS YEAR. We will all be able to live on the Moon ly create your own plots, actors and and fly around in spaceships and stuff. Perhaps we can look forward to our scenes in a container the size of a next Medieval Lunar Banquet in zero gravity. small bag of nuts. SQUEEZEE MEALS - We think that even the most sophisticated gourmet PUBS - People will go to pubs and meals will be replicated in paste like form - and with all the nutrients - much have a drink every now and then. like toothpaste now. But exercise caution when cleaning your teeth. That’s the future then - for the most Dannii - you decide HOME SHOPPING - From the virtual comfort of your virtual sitting room part anyway. We know because we’ve seen it and read about it and talked to some top science people. If you are interested in the future and have some spare cash, why not buy some hi-tech Congratulations to PIP HUMPHREY and gadgets. In the meantime have a Brave New Year and don’t stop reading PAUL YATES on the birth of their new PAINTED MAN Madhatters (well not yet anyway). sons. Pip gave birth to Twins Jack (6lb 10oz) and Alexander (6lb 12oz) born on PREMIERE New Hatters Role call November 30th. Both Mother and babies are doing well! Late again! How quickly a year comes and goes, and what news it brings... Those astute hatters will realise that the last issue was well over a year ago. So, apologies to everyone. We may be late - but at least we’re consistent in being late. We’d like to welcome those outgoing folks from the The Premiere of Simon Hopes’ new film bowels of last year’s UHDS into the warm bosom of this issue… ‘Painted Man’ took place on a chilly Madhatters. If you have any suggestions to help Madhatters sur- Saturday evening in November at the vive and flourish into the next millennium we’d love to hear from Inside Madhatters Planets Complex in Woking. Much expecta- you. And to all those oldies - don’t worry we’ve not forgotten you. Letters p2 tion rested on Simon and the rest of the UAC More snigger filled tom-foolery in this Ôleast readÕ It’s just that, well you’re no longer spring chickens now - and to section of the publication. Film company to make this one count. Find be quite honest Billie is more upbeat and entertaining than the News Round-up? p3 A Madhatters album, come again? No thatÕs next issue. out the perspectives on page 9. Quo. SEE PAGE 7 for your handy guide and introduction to What people who could be bothered have been up to. Madhatters - your top ex-Herts Uni publication. 32hr Challenge Special p4/5 Just what were all those people up to last May? Revue Reviews p6 YouÕve been performing again, hmmm. Madhatters for novices p7 UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE SUCCESS Your handy guide to cut out and keep Wedding Watch p8 he now semi legendary UHDS EveryoneÕs favourite PC ties the knot - and so do some More 32 set ‘32 Hour Challenge’ which more of you in, quite frankly, a display of maturity. started life in 1992 as the elon- UAC gala premiere p9 T ÔPainted ManÕ finds ÔA Piece of WoodÕ in Woking for next year gated ‘42 hour challenge’, enjoyed My Marathon Hell p9 another revival earlier last year. More true life readers stories The Madhatters 32hr Challenge took Soccerwatch p10 Following the success of last place back in May as an opportunity to, Roughton challenge for England spot in Football drama Where are they now p11 year’s first 32hr MADhatters “meet and get back to doing what we all Now where did we put those addresses? challenge, Ken & Justin are used to enjoy so much”. With some ster- Madhatter of the Year p11 setting their sights on ling performances, some surprise faces One manÕs struggle to put Kings Lynn on the map another next year… and a host of gaffs, guffaws and bloop- University collaboration p12 ers… well, why not read what happened Madhatters sells mailing list for large amount of cash for yourself on pages 4&5. Back Page p12 See page 7 for more details Some Oscars pics, news on the new Otis single and 32 Pictorial Pages 4 & 5 some other stuff to fill space. http://www.madhatters.org.uk Page 2 BLOATER’S Letters✍ DUB Write to Madhatters, Walmer Villas, 139 Verulam Road, St.Albans, Herts, AL3 4DN. E-Mail: [email protected] WE DON’T WANT YOUR SWEET CHARITY RUMBLED RESIGNING? Dear Madhatters, Dear Madhatters Dear Madhatters, I've just finished a mammoth 4 night run In October I graduated and as is neces- I’ve recently resigned from my job and of the wonderfully penned 'Sweet Charity' sary I went to a Pub in St. Albans with fel- thought this letter might help to any of with the acclaimed Stone Revellers at the lows to drink heartily. This seems perfectly your readers thinking of doing the same... prestigious Stonefield Hall aka ABB normal, however while drinking in this Canteen..... And all I can say is,Its Done, pub, I noticed a small piece of card stick- Dear:_ _ _ _ _ (name of boss), Hello again hatters, let me re-introduce it was great. It was better than great. I ing out from underneath my Beer. I pulled I’ve worked for you for _ _ (number) myself after such a prolonged absence. That’s was a geek in glasses. out this curious card to discover that it years. It seems like _ _ (bigger number). me, BLOATER, on the right looking like I’ve It was another bloody musical, but I sup- was Honey Langcaster James’ business Working for you was more boring than _ _ just had ten rounds with ROGER COLES. And pose when I'm feeling pretentious and in card! I put the card in my wallet, intending _ _ (funny cliche). Well, no more you _ _ to the left is my cousin SPLODGER. a group of people talking 'shows' I can to send her a ransom demand for its safe _ _ (alternative name for boss). You can This issue Splodge and I would like to talk say,'......that's right darling, when I was in return. otherwise it would be returned in shove you job up your _ _ _ _ (part of about crisps and in particular, vent our Sweet Charity, or SC as we called it, ha, 4mm sections every 2hrs, but I didn’t get body). I’m no longer your wage slave, and spleens at that Gary Lineker. Now, as Chrissie ha, blah fucking blah blah BLAH.......... round to it. Some kidnapper I would make. it feels _ _ _ _ (verb ending in ing) great! Hynde once said, ‘don’t get me wrong…’ I Anyway, all's OK in sunny Staffordshire, Strange, but true… You think money means more than _ _ _ like your Salt & Vinegar as much as the next and I look forward to seeing you all soon. Paul Scullion _ (your vice) but one day you’ll learn badly knitted cretacean, however I take issue I'm on E-mail, so drop us a line. [[email protected]] otherwise. I may be skint from _ _ _ _ _ with Walkers who are blatantly using the for- (date), but I’ll be doing what I want. mer England striker’s name in vain. I am of Ciao Babies, Davey Wild GO DOWN WITH KEV Unlike you! course referring to the alleged Salt & Lineker Dear all, _ _ _ _ _ (your name) flavour. P.S. I still make Electricity Meters for a Nope, not got married (in response to E- PS. Fuck work before it fucks you Now, maybe I’m missing the point but surely living, hell could not be more real for me mail request for Marriage news - Ed) any crisps that purport to taste of Gary if I lived in _ _ _ (withheld due to sensi- although I’ve been to more weddings than Thanks for helping me get that off my Lineker should do. Come on Walkers do the tive nature of comment). anyone else (It’s my job). chest honourable thing, chop him up and chuck Have taken ‘going down’ to a new profes- Dave Patrick him in the flavour mixing vat. MORE EXCUSES FROM EVANS sional level and passed my Dive Master Next time I’ll be looking at ‘Spice Girls’ Qualification so anyone wanting to go flavour snacks in particular new Cheese & MH, down with me knows they’ll be in safe TRIVET MYSTERY UNRAVELLED ‘Sporty’ flavour.