7 ue ss , I Wednesday, January 14, 2004 FREE IV 10¢ in Canada l. o V U.S. Launches The SlantPre-emptive Strike Against Mars w w w . th e sl an t.n et The Voice Of The Slant Staff - Since 1886 INSIDETHISISSUE SPACE Pre-emptive Strike on the 5Red Planet DRUGS Try Hemlex For Lower Blood 7 Pressure INFANTICIDE Steve Irwin Talks About 8Crocs Other News 2 Fucked Image 4 From The Editor 4 Bastard Confession 10 Around The Loop 11 Horoscopes 11 Advice Column 12 Top Ten List 12 2 OTHERNEWS The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 14, 2004 Angela Bassett To Star Howard Dean Not Happy With His New Puppy Annoying In 'How Stella Got Her Long Distance Plan Over the holiday break, senior Meredith Groove Back' Prequel Former Governor of Gray adopted a puppy, much to the chagrin On the heels of "How Stella Vermont and current of her roommate and friends. "She goes on Got Her Groove Back" and frontrunner for the and on about how "How Stella Got Her Democratic Party's cute it is, and I'll Groove Back 2: Electric Presidential nomina- admit it's sort of Boogaloo," Angela Bassett tion, Howard Dean, is fluffy, but Christ, all shocked the entertainment reportedly "not happy" it does is pee and community yesterday by announcing that with his long distance chew on shoes," said she would be starring in the prequel, "How telephone plan. her roommate, John Stella Lost Her Groove In The First Place." Recently, Dean recieved a courtesy call from Sands. "I would kill "I think it will really tie up all those loose Sprint, informing him that he could be sav- it in the night if she ends in the the 'How Stella Got Her Groove ing upwards of 3 cents a minute on long dis- didn't sleep with it. Back' franchise," stated Bassett, adding, "In tance calls. According to Sprint telemarketer Mary-Kate Oh, and it smells." Gray, oblivious to the this one, I start off with my groove fully Dajuan Jones, Dean was not happy about discomfort she causes her peers by forcing intact, but I eventually end up loosing my this. "That dude crazy," said Jones, "As soon them to be around the dog, continues to groove. It was a completely new and chal- as I told him he could save by switching 150 gush about the puppy. "Zoe is so smart! lenging role for me as an actress." from his current plan, he yelled, 'Aargh! She already knows how to sit! Isn't that pre- Days MCI will pay for this injustice!!! remaining cious?" Her boyfriend of three years, Jay Tribute Performed For Deceased Aaaarrrgghh!!!' and I think I heard him until June Todd, is less than enthused. "She doesn't Tribute Band Singer punching kittens in the background. Damn, 13, 2004. rub my belly when I sit," said Todd, visably Wayne Robinson, 34, it's just a few cents, why'd he have to get all On that agitated. "And I don't think she's gonna rub glorious of Davidson County, crazy?" day, twins anything else anytime soon. Stupid dog." died late Monday Mary-Kate when he lost control of Mars Still Red, Covered in Rocks and Ashley Former First Lady Insults Well his pickup truck, driv- With the unveiling of the Mars rover's new Olsen will, Respected Cultural Icon at long last, ing left of center and images of the sur- turn 18. During her endorsement speech for Senate into the path of an face of Mars, the candidate Nancy Farmer last Wednesday at oncoming tractor-trail- general public and a St. Louis Democratic fundraiser, New York er rig. A tribute con- scientific commu- Ashley Senator Hillary Clinton prefaced a quote by cert is planned for nity alike have Gandhi with the line, "He ran a gas station Friday in memory of Robinson, a popular expressed disap- down in St. Louis." An eery silence filled the area singer in a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute pointment with room as the crowd appeared both shocked band. Rambo Sinclair, another local Lynard what has been and horrified at the New York Senator's Skynard cover band singer, had only good found. "Shit," said attempt at humor, while Clinton proceeded words to say about Robinson. “Shit man, NASA director to tap the microphone repeatedly and ask, I’m gonna miss him. Nobody sang ‘Sweet John Landers. "I "Is this thing on?" After pausing, the former Home Alabama’ like him. Except of course, mean, give us a freaking break. All we asked first lady continued, "No, seriously, the last Lynard Skynard. And I ain’t too bad myself, for was a monolith, or even a river or some- time I made a successful nonviolent move- if I don’t say.” Plans for Robinson’s memorial thing. But no, more fucking red rocks." Jerry ment, I was on the John. Huh? Huh? Ah, I'm include a performance of a cover of Wilson, local resident, concurs. "Yup, it's just fucking with ya. Come on, can't you Robinson's band's cover of 'Freebird.' boring alright. Maybe Jupiter will be better." people take a joke? Geez..." Saddam's New Year's Resolution Thwarted Deposed tyrant Saddam Hussein recently expressed dismay from his prison cell, say- OBEEFTHE INDUSTRYR NEWS REPORT ing that now that he is a POW, his New Year's Resolutions have been Mad Cow Just Having Period thwarted. "How am I going to start Atkins on Anxiety over a reported case of mad cow disease has calmed after the this starchy prison food recent discovery that the cow in question was simply menstruating, not diet?" asked a haggard, suffering from spongiform encephalitus. "She had all the signs of mad yet noticeably plump cow: bucking and snorting, falling down, eating ice cream, ramming bulls Hussein. "I'm also falling and sniping at other cows," said a Canadian government official. "Things behind schedule on would have been cleared up faster if we'd just noticed the Kotex. Our those weapons of mass destruction that I bad." was, um...not making." Mad, bloated cow MASTHEAD 01.14.2004 3 Reading Versus - Since 1886 (just kidding!) CONTENTS 188 Madison Sarratt Student Center 2301 Vanderbilt Place NEWS VU# 351669 Station B Nashville, TN 37235 OTHER NEWS: When Cows Go Mad . .2 Phone (615)322-3291 Fax (615)-343-2756 website www.theslant.net CLARIFICATIONS: Younger pussy . .3 STAFF MARS: Earth Strikes Back . .5 Editor-in-Chief Meredith Gray OBESITY: Still too fucking fat . .6 Managing Editor David Barzelay Head Writer Andrew Banecker DEMOCRATS: So many weakest links . .7 Technical Consultant Brad Ploeger Editors COLUMNS & HUMOR Tim Boyd Robert Saunders Copy Editors CROCODILE HUNTER: Babies Taste Like Chicken . .8 Audrey Peters Melanie Siemens Cartoonist Jason Carpentier Distribution Managers LUXEMBOURG: Thoroughly Evil . .8 Andrew Collazzi Brett DiCio Doorstop Jacob Grier POINT/COUNTERPOINT: Jerry Knuth . .9 Contributing Writers Evan Alston Diabetus Colin Dinsmore Peter Grant Richard Green AROUND THE LOOP: Ceaf-alicious . .11 Rob Hilton Howard Lee Keith Leeman Ceaf Lewis HOROSCOPES: Worst Ones Ever . .11 Rebecca Ohly Stephanie Schacht Liz Vennum Alumni Contributors SLANT FEATURES Ben Stark Jeff Woodhead Editors Emeritus LACK OF CARTOONIST: more Ceaf . .4 Joe Wong Mike Mott BASTARD CONFESSION: Confessions Of A Bastard . .10 POLICIES Back Issues ADVICE: Ask that tool Britney married . 12 Back Issues can be ordered by sending $5.00 and a description of the issue desired (volume number and TOP TEN: Stuff that might happen . .12 date, if possible) to the address above. Some issues are no longer available. For a back issue please email [email protected]. Subscriptions Mail subscriptions are availible for $30.00 a year or $20.00 per semester. Email [email protected]. Postmaster please send address changes to 2301 Vanderbilt Place, VU# 351669, Nashville, TN 37235- Corrections: 1669. DISCLAIMER In our last issue, we mistakenly stated that actor and former James Bond, Sean Connery, This entire publication is a work of humor, parody and satire. You must be over 18 years old to read this was 81 years old, and thus starring in the publication. This publication and the content thereof does not always reflect the opinions of Vanderbilt upcoming “Octogenarianpussy.” It has come Student Communications, Inc. One copy of this publi- to our attention that Mr. Connery is in fact a cation is available free to members of the Vanderbilt community; additional copies are available for five dol- mere 74 years old, and the title of his film is lars each. If The Slant offends you, do not freakin' “Septagenarianpussy.” We apologize for this read it. Support our advertisers. inconvenience. Copyright © 2003, The Slant. All rights reserved Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances. 4 SLANTFEATURES The Slant - www.theslant.net - January 14, 2004 FROM THE EDITOR Over winter break, I had a lot of things to do. I won't go into this list of tasks; it would only bore you, the reader, who actually bothers to read my col- umn. However, I didn't accomplish as many of these things as I would have liked. Between television and online Scrabble (proper name: "Literati"), I could barely make sure I managed to brush my teeth. And goddamnit, I still cannot figure out how people who misspell "league" ("leege") can still beat me at Literati, but that's not my point.