BLACK SCREEN. In white the words appear; "IF YOU HEAR HIM HOWLIN' 'ROUND YOUR KITCHEN DOOR YOU BETTER NOT LET HIM IN" Werewolves of London W. Zevon This is replaced with; "THE FOLLOWING EVENTS ARE BASED ON A TRUE STORY..." CLAWS slash through the screen. FADE IN: EXT. COUNTRYSIDE-NIGHT. The moon is full and hangs like a cold, harsh white-blue rock on the black velvet that is the night sky. There is no cloud cover. GAZ, over-weight, bearded, in his early 30s. He is wearing a quiver filled with arrows and is carrying a bow. He is a lifelong failing criminal, and part-time poacher, and; DAZ, skinny, early 30s, has spent his whole life following Gaz to absolutely nowhere. He is the type of person who thinks being on The Jeremy Kyle Show is something to aspire to. They are stood on the edge of woodland, and about to cross the treeline. They are dressed quite warmly, although both are in trainers and tracksuit bottoms, proving that they don't really know what they're doing. DAZ Jesus, can we hurry this up? It's freezing. GAZ I know it's freezing, you girl. But I don't want to cock this up. DAZ What do you want to cock up? GAZ I'd say your mam, but there's a queue. 2. DAZ (quietly) Mam? GAZ Now have you got the bags? DAZ No, I just stand like this because it's cold. GAZ I'm going to bloody swing for you in a minute. DAZ Yes, I've got them here. Can we call this off? GAZ What? No. Why would we do that, you dozy sod? DAZ Gaz mate, it's a full moon. GAZ And? DAZ Well you know. Full moon, the woods. GAZ Oh you soppy tart, don't tell me you believe that nonsense about a bloody werewolf? DAZ Well you explain how all those people went missing? GAZ What people? The homeless people, who usually move-on anyway? Or the missing people the local rag reported missing, although no one else had ever heard of them? DAZ You don't think it's real? 3. GAZ No I don't think it's real. Papers make it up to have something to print. Also, how the hell can you be a grown man and believe in werewolves? DAZ Well...I grew up here. GAZ What about the Mummy? Or vampires? Or the Invisible Man? DAZ No, I've never seen him. GAZ Just get on with it. Gaz and Daz climb over the fence to sneak into the woods. EXT. WOODS-NIGHT. Gaz and Daz are skulking about in the dark. GAZ Ssh. DAZ What? GAZ It means shut up. DAZ I know, but why? GAZ Because I wanted you to be quiet. DAZ Oh. Why? GAZ Because I'd like to not draw attention to us, you numbskull. DAZ You're the numbskull. 4. GAZ I'm going to shoot you. You know that, don't you? SFX: A branch snaps. DAZ What was that? GAZ Probably nothing. Come on, keep moving. SFX: Another branch snaps, much louder and much closer. DAZ That wasn't nothing. Something dark, furry and very large rushes past the camera. GAZ Did you see that? DAZ No. Did you? GAZ No. Do you want to go on? DAZ No. Do you? GAZ No. Gaz and Daz turn to go back the way they came, but the dark furry thing rushes past blocking their path. Daz grabs onto Gaz in fear. GAZ Would you get off me? Gaz reaches behind him to pluck an arrow from the quiver, but the more he reaches the further the quiver slips from his grasp. DAZ What are you doing? 5. GAZ I'm going to shoot it. DAZ Oh. Looks like you're having a funny turn. The dark furry blur rushes past again on a different side. Gaz loads the arrow and draws it back. GAZ Careful now. One wrong move and we- WEREWOLF, at least seven feet tall, hard and sinewy, violently knocks into Gaz, sending him flying back. The arrow flies straight up into the night sky. DAZ Oh my Christing fuck. Daz scrambles on the ground to pick up the dropped bow and quiver of arrows. He loads one up, as Gaz gets to his feet several feet away. GAZ That stung. DAZ Can we go now, Gaz? GAZ Yes, mate. Careful with that thing. DAZ I know what I'm- The arrow that Gaz fired comes back down and lands in Daz's foot, causing him to fire the arrow, which sticks in Gaz's shoulder. Gaz calmly, quietly, looks from Daz, to the arrow sticking out of his shoulder, then back to Daz. GAZ (screaming in agony) What the fuck did you do that for? DAZ You did it first. 6. GAZ That's not the- A dark, furry claw slashes across Gaz's face. Blood splatters across Daz's face. A single eyeball spins slowly through the still night air. DAZ Sorry. Daz runs away, as quickly as he can with an arrow sticking out of his foot. EXT. WOODS-FIELD-NIGHT. Daz hobbling out of the treeline, he is now more scared than he has ever been in his life. SFX: Wolf howls. Daz limps quicker across the field, and falls over. EXT. CAR-COUNTRY ROAD-DAY. The car is a small hatchback. It's front passenger side wheel is the spare. It has a plastic bat hanging from the rear view mirror. There is a bumper sticker on the back that reads; "MY OTHER CAR IS A CASKET." The car passes a road sign that reads; "BURNDALE 3/4 MILE" Underneath that, scrawled in black marker, is; "TURN BACK NOW" As the car drives past, there is unknown roadkill squished by the sign. EXT. BURNDALE VILLAGE-DAY. SERIES OF SHOTS of the quiet countryside village. The place is beautiful and idyllic, nothing bad could ever possibly happen here. People have no need to lock their doors. The locals are friendly and welcoming, but will always keep a 7. close eye on strangers. People on pushbikes ride past people putting their signs outside of their small businesses and everyone waves politely and greets one another. EXT. SLIPETT INN PUB-DAY. The car pulls into a space outside the inn. The sign hanging above the door is a weather beaten and faded portrait of a brown cart horse that has a massive penis. We pay no special attention to this. INT. CAR-DAY. ALICE COOPER, early 30s, brunette, beautiful, is behind the wheel. She has thick-rimmed glasses, and is a total horror nut. All things horror, slasher, gore she is fully into it. She absolutely loves the paranormal. JESSE BROOKS, mid 30s, very short hair, is in the passenger seat. He is the author of more than 30 books debunking the paranormal. He is a very intelligent, multi-lingual sceptic. ALICE Ooh, look. It looks perfect. JESSE Does it? ALICE Doesn't it? JESSE If you think so. ALICE Don't you think? JESSE Being with you I've learned not to think. ALICE Don't be cheeky. JESSE Yes dear. But yes, you're right. The whole place looks perfect for the tale. 8. ALICE Please, just for this weekend. JESSE What? ALICE Don't. Don't, y'know, be you. The way you usually are. JESSE How? ALICE Well, you know, when everyone else is having fun with the ghosts and all that and you start explaining how things really happen. JESSE It's what I do. It's how I make my living. ALICE Yes, but this weekend you're on holiday. So knock that shit off. JESSE Yes, dear. Jesse kisses Alice's cheek. ALICE Good. Don't you think it looks scary? JESSE Yeah, but only in that we don't care for outsiders type of way. ALICE Like they kill visitors and put them in pies and then send the pies to the market and deny all knowledge of the people ever being here? JESSE I am so in love with you. ALICE I know you are. Come on. 9. Alice and Jesse exit the car. INT. SLIPETT INN-RECEPTION-DAY. The place is dark and quiet. You can almost hear the building growing older. There is a reception counter, that has no decoration, just an old-fashioned bell, and a stone gargoyle. In one or two of the corners there are noticeable cobwebs, one of which has a small Spiderman action figure in it. We pay no special attention this. Alice, far too happy to be scared, and Jesse, nonplussed, enter. Jesse is carrying most of the luggage. ALICE This is amazing. I bet it's haunted. JESSE Of course it is. By the last guy to carry his girlfriend's bags. ALICE Shut up, you tart. JESSE He was killed on this very spot, when a suitcase laden with shoes and hats the woman was never going to wear ripped through him and split him in half. ALICE You are such a girl. Alice hits the bell. A muzak/instrumental version of 'Werewolves of London' by Warren Zevon plays. Both Alice and Jesse look questioningly at the little bell. SINDY STYLES, late 20s, pretty, blond, enters from a back room behind reception. She is wearing bright pink and is very bubbly and bouncy and happy. She is the total opposite to everything in a dark, ghoulish, haunted place. She has a high, shrill voice.